The Vampire’s Butler

>”Mistress, it’s evening, wake up.”
>You know, when I was a kid, I would have never thought a sleepy-looking girl getting out of a coffin would seem cute to me.
>Eh, c’est la… un-vie?
>”Ah, my dearest butler, just who I was hoping to see.”
>She’s got the evil grin on already, I see.
>I need the upper hand tonight.
>Any more of her “teasing” is going to kill me.
> I bare my neck to her before she asks, she’s always hungry when she wakes up.

>”Mmmm… No, I don’t think I’m hungry yet, my dear, do put that away.”
>”Actually, I need you to run a teeeeensy errand for me, you see I have a seamstress coming in, so I’d like you to go pick her up.”
> She’s trying to look innocent, but she can’t wipe the smile off her face.
>”Why, what is it, Mr. Butler?”
>”It’s the arachne again, isn’t it?”
>”PFFFHAHA-heheh… -ahem- heh. Oh, yes, my dear, how’d you guess?”
>It’s not that I think all arachne are bad, far be it from that, a lot a very nice.
>But I’m deathly afraid of spiders, and giant ones don’t make the problem any better.
>”Mistress, may I remind you the last time I picked up Ms. Webster that I vomited all over her when she started ‘teasing’ me at your behest?”
>She looks like she’s going to cry from how hard she’s stifling her laughter.
>”W-eheheh-well, that’s alright, I’ll just have the house staff c-heh-clean up again.”
>We live alone in this mansion.
>Kill me.
>”Well, Mr. Butler, get to buttling, you’ve got a busier night than I do.”
>I start to walk away, already getting tense about picking up a giant spider who is going to let me hear no end of how scared I am of her.
>Suddenly, something hits me in the back.
>”JESUSCHRISTFUCKSHITCUNT” I say rather eloquently on my way to the floor as I spasm.
>”I think I changed my mind about breakfast, dear.”
>She tears my shirt open so she can get to my neck.
>This is my only shirt.
>I’m going to have to do everything half-dressed again tonight.
>Such is the life of a vampire’s butler.

>The midnight meal I’ve come to call “night lunch” is a lot harder than usual with a guest.
>I’m trying to braise enough beef for a gigantic creepy-crawly, which is already a task and a half, knowing how much Ms. Webster can eat.
>I have to do it with one hand while trying to keep the IV in my left arm siphoning blood but at the same time out of my way.
>Can’t just drink from the source and finish up, oh, no.
>She feels the need to drink blood out of a goblet so she can look more smug.
>I can tell it isn’t even as good, the stuff starts coagulating right away.
>I don’t even have words for how upset I am.

>I try to hold what’s left of my shirt together as I set out the food and a decanter of fresh blood.
>More important is not looking at the chitinous abomination sitting across from my usual tormentor.
>Pity that thing shares the same body as Ms. Webster, she’s not a bad lady, all things considered.
>”Oh, my, thank you my darling~ You do make such lovely meals for itsy bitsy old me.”
>Did she just?
>Whatever. Not dignifying it.
>”My, my, what’s this, my dear butler?”
>Oh no.
>Please no.
>”You seem to have a bit of a tear in your shirt there, Mr. Butler…”
>”Mistress, please- please no.” I whisper.
>She leans in close enough for me to feel her breath.
>”Oh, yes.”
>Leaning back and speaking up, she asks rather loudly if there’s anyone who could fix it.
>My knees are weak
>Arms spaghetti
>I turn around to see at least 300 pounds of spider grinning lecherously at me.
>”Oh, it would be my pleasure, in fact, I’ll throw it in for free with the rest of the work I’m doing, my Lady.”
>”Splendid, do sit down, and join us for dinner my dear-“
>Mistress pushes my onto a chair and sits on my lap.
>M-maybe this isn’t so bad?
>”I’ll just take that ratty old thing to give to our silk-spinning friend here.”
>She rips off my shirt and jacket simultaneously.
>I’m used to how much that can sting, but did she really have to take the jacket, too? There wasn’t anything wrong with it.
>Now I’m sitting in front of an arachne and a vampire without a shirt on.
>And the vampire’s hair is in my face.
>I squirm a little, trying to get air instead of ponytail in my lungs.
>”Is it uncomfortable with me sitting on you, my dear?”
>”A bit.”
>Oh no
>That wasn’t meant to actually come out of my mouth.
>”Ah, Mistress I didn’t-“
>”WELL THEN. Perhaps my ESTEEMED BUTLER would like a DIFFERENT SEAT than what he was so GENEROUSLY PROVIDED?!”
>Her eyes are getting dangerously red with anger.
>Her head snaps away from me suddenly, her tone becoming demure.
>”Ms. Webster, would you assure my dear servant finds a lovely place to ‘hang out,’ as it were?”

>I was so young and naive when I thought being sat on without a shirt in front of some scary ladies was bad.
>Now I’m all of that, but also hung upside-down from the chandelier like some sort of unhappy pinata.
>”Mistress, the blood’s starting to get to my head a bit, so would you mind letting me down?”
>”I’m afraid not, Mr. Butler, your punishment isn’t over, but I can solve your problem…”
>She leans over the table, right in front of my face.
>She’s blushing like she’s going to kiss me.
>Is she going to…?
>I suddenly feel a familiar set of pricks on my neck.
>Ah, of course. Why would I even think otherwise?
>”There, there, is aaaaaaall that nasty blood troubling you gone now?”
>I feel so dizzy I want to pass out.
>Also I’m now hanging, shirtless, upside-down, spider silk touching my skin (oh god why,) with a raging erection in front of two girls laughing at me.
> Please let me die.


>I wake up before I even realise I’d passed out.
> It’s the second night our guest is staying over.
>And goddammit if it isn’t worse for me every time we have one over.
>I can handle it usually, but she and her friends just bounce off each other and end up being absolute dicks.
>I didn’t sign up for this shit.
>In fact, I didn’t sign up at all, she picked me up out of the village as a teenager because she “needed a new one.”
>The village lets her do what she wants as long as she doesn’t stir up too much trouble, so I didn’t have much choice in the matter, anyway.
>She wasn’t too bad at first, but now here we are.
>And you know what?
>I’m not even mad.
>I’m down with some friendly banter.
>Let’s see how they like it.
>6 PM now, I have a few hours left before they’re up again.

>First order of business, let’s see how my dearest lady likes wearing some humiliating clothing.
>She tries to dress in as much spooky black as possible, but she still has some dresses from when she was human around.
>Well, let’s see if pink and frilly still suits her, the bloody edgelady.
>Quick stop by the stable, I have to hide the rest of her clothes and pick up some necessities.
>Kitchen now, I don’t have much time left, and I have to get revenge breakfast ready.
>Oh, yes. This is going to do nicely.

>I’m waiting in the dining hall when the two of them arrive.
>Oh, this is just splendid.
>Mistress looks, bleary-eyed, hungry and embarrassed, wearing a pink, frilly dress that looks like it was picked out by a 5-year-old girl.
>She’s glaring back and forth between me and an arachne who’s laughing her- er, thorax? Abdomen?- off.
>”Oh, my, my, Mr. Butler, -ohohoho- I didn’t know your dear mistress had such a feminine side~”
>”I believe you’ll find my Lady to be the absolute pinnacle of ladyhood, Ms. Webster, I’m glad she’s stopped trying to impress you so much with black.”
>Mistress looks a bit betrayed as we both laugh at her state of dress.
>”That will be QUITE enough, do fetch us breakfast, WON’T YOU?”
>Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

>I set out what appears to be the usual, serving our esteemed guest first.
>She’s already starting to look a bit dopy and giggly when I get back out.
>She usually has a bit of herbal tea, but this is the strongest black I could find.
>I hadn’t hoped for much out of it honestly, kind of thought it was a myth.
>But she laughs like a madwoman when mistress spits out her first big gulp of her drink.

>Time for the finale.
>I step out of the kitchen wearing the tallest boots I can find, carrying a whip.
>I clear my throat. Do or die.
>She stands up from her chair, the table having been knocked over by a drunken spider rolling on the ground.
>She looks really mad.
>Might die, can’t say I have any regrets.
>Did she just?
>She just ran away crying.
>And I… feel kinda bad?


>She’s not in the bathroom.
>She’s not in her bedroom.
>I really did it this time.
>Wait, maybe she’s…

>I nearly kill myself getting onto the roof, but there she is.
>”Er- Mistress?”
>She nestles her face further into her arms when I sit next to her.
>Oh Jesus. What do I say?
>”*sniff* W-why?”
>Guess she’s starting.
>”This is what you do to me all the time! It’s even worse when you have friends over!”
>She looks confused and hurt when she looks up at me.
>”W-*hic*what do you mean? I j-just…”
>This is blackmail, you can’t just cry and look betrayed when you get a taste of your own medicine.
>”Look, I’m sorry, maybe I went too far, but…”
>”…you really think I’m… that mean to you?”
>Did she really not know?
>”Well, I mean… Yeah.”
>Oh, god, she’s crying again.
>She grabs onto me and nuzzles her face into my shoulder.
>”I-I’m *hic* sorryyyyy… P-please don’t *sob* lea-leave!”
>Not really sure what to do, so I just hug her and hope this horrible feeling stops.

>It’s an awkward couple of minutes until she calms down, but it does eventually happen.
>”I-I’m, er, sorry about that, Mr. Butler. I don’t know what came over me.”
>”Ah, that’s alright, Mistress, just, well, maybe we should go a bit easier on each other from now on?”
>”Yes, you’re right, there’s no reason to antagonise each other so much…”
>I realise now I’m still holding her and quickly help her back up.
>”Thank you, my dear. Now then.”
>My face heats up when she kisses me on the cheek.
>I think I’m falling…
>I’m actually falling, she pushed me off the roof.

>She flies down and catches me in mid-air, giving me a grin.
>”Terribly sorry, my dear, but I did still have to get you back for all the trouble you’ve caused me tonight.”
>Two steps forward, one back I suppose.
>”Perhaps we should see what Ms. Webster is doing, Mistress?”
>And I’m going to win this bully war, goddammit.

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