Panty Raiders Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Tweed Boy Steps in a Puddle of Trouble

The next day, Natasha stood outside the college theatre, waiting for her companions. The day before, she’d got an offer to go on a double-date from Saria. She was about to turn her down, but apparently that cute gopnik boy was coming along as well. She’d tried to avoid getting too excited, but, well… Here she was, wearing her best cocktail dress, waiting for him. She’d worn the black one with her pearl necklace, hoping he’d wear that black tracksuit he’d worn when they’d first met, the one with the white stripes. She felt like fidgeting from how excited she was, thinking about how cute they’d look together with matching outfits, but she cleared her throat and held her head high.

‘Keep calm, you’re nobility. You’re the best girl he’ll ever meet! Confidence is sexy! And look at this dress! He won’t be able to keep his hands off you!’

“Heeeey, Natasha! We’re over here!”

She peered around, eventually spotting Saria waving at her around the corner of the building. Walking over, she found the elf hanging off that er… big fellow she’d met on the raid… Marshall, was it?

“Ah, how are you two? It was Marshall, wasn’t it?”

“Ah, yeah. It’s goin’ pretty good. I feel a little underdressed with you all dolled up like that, though.” Marshall responded, giving a polite laugh.

“Oh, nonsense. We’re on a date, aren’t we? Soooo… Er, where is my date, anyway?”

“I think he’s waitin’ for you around the corner, actually. Said something about having a private talk with you or something.”

‘NobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobility’ Natasha thought to herself frantically, trying to avoid showing her excitement. She checked her watch, trying to look nonchalant.

‘Do we have time for a quickie before the show? I mean, I don’t want to ruin the mood… I guess we could just come in late…’

“Oh, he does? Well, he’d better be quick about it. The drama club’s finally putting on a good production, so I wouldn’t want any of you to miss part of it and not understand what a work of art it is.”

She strutted confidently into the alley, ready to meet her date. Would he take initiative? Should she press him for it, or should she just tease him into-

“Natasha, am over here, need to talk secretly.”

She caught a glimpse of him, standing in a dark corner. This was it, wasn’t it?! It had to be an invitation at the very least. They could do it right against that brick wall, but they’d need to be quiet so the others didn’t hear them.

“Hmm? And why should I come to you? Why don’t you come out here and take me, big boy?”

“Natasha, am over here, need to talk secretly.”

“Well, if you insist, but you’ll be needing to pay me back~”

She sashayed towards him, more and more excited with every step. He’d finally be all hers. She reached the edge of the shadow he was standing in, nearly within arm’s reach. ‘Oh, yes. Let’s see you smash the nobility, bolshevik boy.’

“Natasha, am over here, need to talk secretly.”

“I’m right here, you silly man~”

Suddenly, a loud clang sounded out all around her as everything went pitch-black. She jumped, grabbing onto Cheslav, who was… made out of cardboard?

“Saria. Is she okay? Like… up there?” Marshall asked to the elf, who burst out laughing after having held it in for the last few minutes.

“I don’-pff- I dunno anymore, Marshall.”

“I mean, like, how did she not see a giant box being propped up with a stick? I thought you’d lost it when you said it’d work.”

“And, I mean, did you see her reaction to a tape recording?” Saria kept laughing, burying her face in Marshall’s chest. He awkwardly patted her head, not sure where to put his hands.

“Welp, uh, let’s get going. Hey, Cheslav! Give us a hand puttin’ this thing on your truck, will ya?”

***

“Why am I here?” Natasha spat, handcuffed to one of the chairs in the clubroom.

“Because you are going to be telling us who’s behind this underwear raid you’ve staged, you decomposing dolt.” Church leaned in, eyes narrowed.

“I don’t know a damn thing about what you’re talking about, tweed boy.”

“Oh? Should I bring in my co-interrogator? I hear you love to talk to him.”

Church brought out the cardboard cutout of Cheslav that had been the bait for their trap, doing a poor impersonation of his voice. “Er, of helloings, I am Chap, so sexy man of tracksuits.”

Natasha turned a bright red, struggling against the handcuffs in vain.

“Do not to bother with cuffing devices, are impossible of escapings, dead lady.”

Church shot a dirty look at Marshall, who sniggered at the mention of the handcuffs. “They’re about as good as anythin’ else, so long as y’know how to use ‘em, Church.”

Church turned back to the wight, still fuming, but with embarrassment plastered over his face now.

“RRRGGHHH! Just… stop it! What do you want from me?!”

“Am not sure what to mean! Nice Englishman told to question, but you were not of answer!”

“I-I said stop it! I’m not talking to a- a damn cutout!”

“Oh? Are to feelings boxed in dead lady? You sound like tape recorder!”

She screamed in frustration, rocking back and forth on the chair.

“Uh, Church? We were tryin’ to ask questions, not-”

Cheslav squatted down in front of the struggling wight, Comrade Cluckers perched on his shoulder.

“Dead lady, Comrade Cluckers says he recognize you from yesterday.”

“Wh-what? I didn’t… U-uh… Maybe just… I-I just wanted to see if you were home! Ahaha…”

“Nice pointy-ear lady say you help to steal underwear. Please tell who help, Comrade Cluckers say he want to remove Natasha if not tell.”

Natasha pushed herself back with her feet, sliding the chair along the floor in an attempt to get away.

“N-No! Don’t! I-I just wanted to-” Marshall caught the back of her chair, stopping her from scooting any further away as Cheslav closed in again, his chicken’s single red eye burning into her soul.

“I’LL TALK! I’LL TALK! AMY PUT ME UP TO IT! I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!”

“See Comrade? Told you Natasha was nice lady. Too pretty to be mean on purpose.”

The chicken made a few clucks, prompting a laugh from Cheslav, then hopped off his shoulder.

“Is good joke, Comrade Cluckers, but do not be of mean to nice lady. Even wear nice dress and clothes to match tracksuit!”

Natasha squirmed. It felt good that he noticed, but with everyone watching, it suddenly felt kind of embarrassing.

“Amy?” Prudence walked over, her eyes empty, but her clenched fists shaking. “Do you perhaps mean Amy Zoghogo?”

“Y-yeah? You know her?”

Prudence gave an insincere-sounding laugh.

“Know her? Know her? Oh, I know her, alright. Slimy-ass fucking cunty fucking squishy bitch master-stealing whore goddamn frying-pan table clothes fucking cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt-”

Prudence began dashing around the room, picking up any cleaning implements she could find, working in a blind rage. She ran back up to Natasha, clutching a broom and looking dishevelled.

“A SHOGGOTH?! I WAS WORKING FOR A FUCKING SHOGGOTH AND YOU DIDN’T FUCKING TELL ME?! WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT FUCKING BITCH IS DOING TO MY FUCKING MASTER’S UNDERWEAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW?!?! HE’S MY MASTER AND THEY BELONG TO ME! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU-”

Prudence began flailing around wildly, swinging the broom furiously. Natasha leaned back in her chair, the broom getting closer and closer to her face with every swing until-

“AAH!”

She caught the broom inches from her face, her hand glowing with blue energy. Half a pair of handcuffs hung loosely from her wrist.

“W-what?”

Marshall and Saria began to laugh uncontrollably.

“Di- oh lord- Did ya really not think to use magic on those things?”

“Y-you said they were impossible to break!”

Church grinned smugly at his compatriots. “And what did I tell you? If she’ll fall for a cardboard cutout, she’ll fall for anything.”

“I mean, sorry, ‘Tasha, but come on! You didn’t even try to get out!” Saria giggled, leaning against Marshall for support.

Natasha put her head down, her whole body shaking. How could they do this to her? Kidnapping, betrayal, lying to her, harassing her and making a fool of her? She was a noble!

“Eeeh, is dead lady okay?”

Natasha stood up, her fists clenched, and dashed out of the room, sobbing.

Church was about to laugh, but was bowled over by the still-furious kikimora who was running back and forth in indignation.

“MASTER! WE’RE GOING TO MAKE THEM PAY! I’LL DO IT! LET ME DO IT! I’LL… I’LL SHOVE EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM INTO A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER FULL OF ROTTING FISH UNTIL THEY CAN LEARN HOW TO STOP BEING DUMB PURPLE WHORES!”

“Prudence, I think we should all really calm do-”

Church was cut off when the kikimora jumped through the window, throwing her arms behind her back so she could run faster.

***

“Prudence, wait! We need to plan this out, not just go in brooms blazing!” Church called out, trailing far behind the rest of the group chasing after her.

“THOSE MASTER STEALING JELLO-SLUTS! I WILL NEVER TAKE ORDERS FROM THEM AGAIN! NEVER NEVER NEVERNEVERNEVER!!!” Prudence zoomed ahead while everyone else tried desperately to catch up to her. Even Cheslav, who was usually the fastest of the group, couldn’t keep up.

“It’s… no use, we ain’t… never gonna catch… her at this rate…” Marshall said between frantic breaths, falling behind the rest of them. He carried the plastic bin in his arms, which didn’t help him keep up either.

“Push through, Marshall, we’ve got to either stop her before she reaches the dorm, or take advantage of the ruckus she’s going to cause.”

Marshall groaned, not wanting to be passed by the gimp, and kept trudging on.

Of course, Prudence managed to reach the shoggoth dorm before the rest of them did, grabbing the hatch that led to the underground dorm and ripping it off its hinge with her bare hands before hopping in.

“RRRRAAAAAAAHHH! YOUR TIME HAS COME, SHOGGOTHS!” She screamed, causing the subterranean residents to look up from whatever menial task they were doing.

“Uhhhh, can we help you?” One of the shoggoths asked.

“I CAME TO DO REAL MAID WORK FOR MY MASTER, AND THE FIRST THING TO DO IS GET RID OF THESE FAKE MAIDS IN FRONT OF ME!”

Another shoggoth tilted her head. “You’re crazy, we’re just cleaning up the messes you kikimoras are unable to, you know, like dandruff and fine dust particles.” She grinned.

“What… did you…just say?” Prudence reached inside her pocket for something. Suddenly, the shoggoths looked a lot more concerned.

“Boy she bout to do it!” One of them shouted while running deeper into the dorm.

“Pocket saaand!” Prudence shouted while tossing sand as far as she could.

“Hey what the heck?” One of the shoggoths ducked to avoid the incoming sand. “We just got done cleaning the dorm an hour ago! H-hey!” She jumped back to avoid being swatted by Prudence’s broom of justice.

“D-don’t you dare give me your excuses, you impostors!” Prudence shouted, continuing to swat at the shoggoths while they dodged out of the way. She finally landed a hit on one square in the chest, but her gelatinous body closed around the broom, trapping it.

Prudence tried to tug it out, but it was clear the broom wasn’t going anywhere. Still, she didn’t fret. Rather, she grinned as she reached under her skirt and pulled out another broom.

“Where… were you keeping that?” The shoggoth asked with a mixture of confusion and horror. Prudence ignored her, swatting her with the new broom faster than she could prepare to capture it.

Meanwhile, Church and the rest of the gang crept quietly down the shoggoth dorm, listening to the racket Prudence was causing. Truly, she was the perfect one for the job. At the base of the stairs was a long, tiled hallway lined with doors all the way down the concrete walls. The first door led to the main room where most of the shoggoths spent their spare time, while the other doors were either bedrooms or closets solely dedicated to cleaning supplies. After all, one of the shoggoths’ favorite pastimes was cleaning their dorm.

“We have to stay quiet, who knows where the rest of them are? I wish there was some way we could reliably find Amy…” Marshall whispered, following Church down the hall.

“Marshall, I don’t think you’re going to like this, but I think we should split u-”

“No way, josé. Last time we did that we-”

“Now, hear me out, hear me out. We can focus on more than one thing here, Chap and I will take care of Prudence, while you go search for this ‘Amy’ character. If we find her, we will call you. You can also steal some panties while you’re at it.”

Marshall rolled his eyes. “I guess, but if I need help, you guys better come for me.”

“Oh don’t worry, we wouldn’t dare abandon our dear friend.”

Marshall grumbled, grabbing the plastic bin and creeping down the hallway, systematically checking the bedrooms while Cheslav and Church watched Prudence from outside the room she was in, making sure she wasn’t doing anything too insane.

After the first bedroom turned out to be locked, Marshall moved on to the next room. Before he reached it, however, he heard the pitter-patter of light footsteps behind him. He suspected one of the shoggoths might follow him, but this soon?

He spun around, raising his fists to turn and face… Saria?

“Saria, the hell are you doing here?” Marshall whispered. “I almost punched you in the face!”

“I-I-I was just… I’ve got nowhere else to go since you canceled our lunch date, so I figured I’d follow you!” She fiddled with her hair. “O-of course, I wouldn’t mind if you punched me, since it’s you…”

“It’s dangerous here! I’m workin’ and don’t need you here jeopardizin’ me or yerself.”

“Pleeeasssee? Let me tag along, I promise not to be too much trouble!” She begged, hanging off of Marshall’s back.

Marshall ran his hand down his face. “You know what? I doubt telling you to go away is going to work, so fine. You can tag along. Just know that this technically counts as the date I owe you.”

“A-actually you owe me two, since you know… the whole closet thing.”

“Right.” Marshall peered into the next room, which was empty. He took this opportunity to grab some panties for the wall of triumph.

“S-so, this is what you did when you were in my dorm?” Saria asked, wrapping her legs around Marshall’s midsection in order to hold onto him tighter.

“Yeah basically.” Marshall crept out of the room and took another look down the hallway, relieved to find it was empty. “We go around stealin’ panties and putting them on our Wall of Triumph.”

“Wall of Triumph?”

“Ya may have seen it when we had you at our base, it’s the wall where all the panties from our exploits are kept.”

“Ooooh! Yeah I might’ve seen something like that, but I was more focused on you~”

“I reckon half the time you weren’t even able to see it since we blindfolded you and all.”

“Hey, you two!” A voice called suddenly from behind them.

“Oh shit!” Marshall whispered. “D-don’t say anything, I’ll do all the talkin’.”

“You two, what were you doing in my bedroom!?” A shoggoth said sternly.

“Uh…” Marshall had to think fast, it wouldn’t be long before she freaked out and called campus security. “W-we’re here with the trash collectors, here to get yer recycling, ma’am.” He chuckled nervously.

The shoggoth looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “We take care of our own trash, you know.”

“Oh! U-uh right, just kidding, haha.” Marshall furiously wracked his brain for another excuse. Maybe… just maybe he could pull this off. “H-have you heard of Amy by any chance? Eheheh…”

Her face softened. “Oh, you know Amy?” She leaned in, looking to either side of her. “Are you… Marshall by chance?”

“The one and only.”

“Oh, she talks about you from time to time, Marshall! Come with me, I’ll take you riiiiight to her.” She winked at him, then beckoned him to follow.

Marshall pushed the container down the hallway, Saria awkwardly hanging off his back as they got closer to Amy’s room.

“So, got anything… special planned for tonight?” She asked, causing Marshall to flush.

“Errr, well, whatever do you mean?”

“Oh, you know what I mean.” She winked.

“Oh! Y-yeah, you know how it is with Amy, haha.” Marshall laughed uncomfortably, causing Saria to hold onto Marshall more tightly.

“Mmm yeah, I bet she has something… special planned for you. I hope you’re a fan of strap-ons.”

Marshall broke out into a cold sweat, he most certainly was not, but he had to find a way to get to her. “I-is that so? Ha, I do like them strap-ons.”

‘D-does he really?’ Saria thought to herself. She hopped off his back to write something down in a notebook she kept in her back pocket.

“Hey, what’re you doin’? S-stop that!” He whispered.

“Kinky…” The shoggoth turned around, walking backwards so she could face him. “I have… an odd question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you think there’s room for a fourth?” She twiddled her fingers. “I can imagine she’s gonna be the strapon and that little elf on your back is going to wield her. Maybe… I can be the ball gag?”

“HOooooOOokay, I’m gonna have to politely decline your offer there. B-besides, four’s company is a little crowded don’tcha think?”

The shoggoth looked down, dejected. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Oh, speaking of right, her room is right here. Don’t let me get in your way, now~” She gave a short bow and headed off.

“Alright, so far you’re doin’ good, once again, lemme do all the talkin’ and go along with anything I say, capiche?”

Saria nodded, her cheeks burning red. In her mind, they were about to go in and have a threesome with that shoggoth. That’s what they were talking about, right? A-and peg him with a strap on? She didn’t know if she was ready for something like that. Oh lord…

Marshall knocked on the door, within seconds a short shoggoth with a traditional maid outfit and glowing yellow eyes answered it. “Oh, i-is that you, Marshall? What are… you doing here?” The shoggoth blushed a dark purple.

“Hey there, Amy. Got a favor to ask of ya.”

“O-of course, do come in.”

Marshall obliged, lugging in the plastic tub along with Saria clinging onto his back possessively.

“Uh, what’s the plastic tub for?”

“I’ll get to that in a minute.”

Saria grabbed the edge of her shirt, fidgeting uncomfortably. When was she supposed to start undressing? Weren’t they about to have a threesome or something? She cautiously lifted her shirt over her head, not wanting to be the awkward one that waited for everyone else to make a move.

“I have to say, I’m surprised you came to visit little ol’- what is your friend doing?”

“Oh Saria? She’s just- …Saria?” Marshall stared in disbelief at the topless elf. “What the hell are you doing!”

“A-aah! I was just… aren’t we having a threesome?”

“We are?” The shoggoth raised her eyebrows.

“No, we are most certainly not havin’ a threesome.”

Saria’s face was a mixture of both relief, and disappointment.

“A-anyway…” Marshall continued. “I wanted to ask you… if you uh… could clean out this plastic bin fer me? I would do it myself, but I need it completely sterile and dust free an’ I don’t trust that there kikimora that Church keeps around.”

Amy’s face brightened. “Oh? Such a simple, easy task for me! You know, you didn’t have to take the time to make your way down here, I would have come to you if you just asked~”

“Err, maybe I thought you’d appreciate this more.”

“You’re such a sweetheart.”

Saria scowled, grabbing onto Marshall protectively and growling.

Amy ignored her, starting to clean the inside of the plastic bin by letting her tentacle swirl around the interior.

Marshall sighed, that wasn’t going to work for him. “Uh, c-could I ask you to maybe… shove your entire body inside? I need it cleaned right quick for uh… something.”

Amy tilted her head, then shrugged before dropping her entire gelatinous body inside the container. “Like this?” She smirked, her face floating to the top. “Kikimoras would never be able to get something this cl-”

Marshall cut her off by slamming the lids to the plastic bin shut.

“H-hey! What gives!” She bashed at the sealed lid, but Marshall held it shut tight.

“Sorry, actually lied. We need to have a talk.”

Suddenly, Amy’s expression went from surprise to realization. “Oh no, i-if it’s about your boxers I swear I never laid a hand on them! I was just a messenger! I’m innocent, I swear!”

“Can’t exactly take your word on anythin’ just yet, Amy.” Marshall shook his head, then started to roll Amy out, Saria opted to walk beside him this time, not wanting to burden his back anymore.

Meanwhile, back where Prudence and the others were…

“Have some more POCKET SAND!” The Kikimora threw some more sand on the ground in front of her, which the shoggoth quickly swept up.

“Will you just… I mean the nerve!”

“Everyone remain calm! I am here to remove the kikimora from the premises!” Church called out, grabbing the attention of all the other shoggoths.

“I-is she your mate or something?” One of them asked.

“Oh no, GOD no. No, no… NO!”

The shoggoths looked at each other, mildly confused. “Errr, okay then. Sorry if it’s a bit of a touchy subject. Could you get her out of our dorm, please? She’s made such a mess.”

“Of course. Prudence! Come along now, we must be on our way.”

Prudence didn’t respond, too far down the warpath to listen to even her master.

“Oh dear, it looks like she’s too far gone. Chap, hand me the kikimora sleepytime juice!”

“Is chloroform, be careful this time comrade, do not want what happened last time happening again.”

“Pish posh, I won’t make the same mistake thrice.”

“Four times.” Cheslav corrected.

“Whatever. God, I wish there were an easier way to do this…” Church took the bottle of chloroform and applied the smallest dose he could manage on his jacket. “Oh Prudence, would you be so kind as to smell my jacket for me? I think I spilled mustard right here but I can’t be sure”

Immediately, Prudence zoomed towards Church and grabbed his jacket aggressively, inhaling the exact spot the chloroform was on.

“OfcourseMasteryouknowIwoulddoANYTHINGforyouMasteritsmellswonderfullikelavenderMasterIfeelfunnyMas-” Her words trailed off until she started snoring, sliding off Church’s jacket and onto the floor.

“What? That can’t be right.” Church leaned his head down to lightly sniff his jacket. “My jackets smell like rosehi-” He slid onto the ground, laying on top of Prudence.

Cheslav clenched his fists, then threw his hat on the floor.

“Yebat’sya srat’sya! I tell him! Every time I say ‘Church, be careful!’ And what does he do? ALWAYS! ‘Oh, Cheslav, am always bloody careful, of pippings and cheerios!’ What the blyat does this even mean?! IS CEREAL, STUPID! Even Cheslav knows this and does not even speak language!”

Walking up to the wall, Cheslav began to hit his head against it. “Is fourth time, blyat! Drooling on floor like idiot, and Prudence not even awake to lick up this time! And who carries idiot friends out of dorm raid? Is Cheslav, always! Marshall is always of sexing instead of sneaking, and Church could not open vodka bottle without help! ‘OOOOH, HAVE GREAAAAT PLAN THIS TIME COMRADES, MARSHALL HAVE SEX WITH TWO GIRL, AND CHAP BRING CHLOROFORM FOR INSANE FEATHER LADY!’ Eto pizdyets! Is everyone pizda s ushami?! Mne do lampochki! Cheslav never gives fuck, make him do all work! Oi, blyat, babushka, where did go wrong?”

The shoggoths were quiet, listening to his rant until about twenty seconds after it ended. “Uh… would you like some help bringing them out?” One of them offered.

Cheslav spared a glance in their direction, then sighed. “Please, take Church. Do not smell jacket, listen to Cheslav. Church never listen.”

“You know, our anatomy is dramatically different from yours, we aren’t affected by most chemicals.”

“Whatever, squishy jello ladies know what Cheslav means.”

***
Outside the dorm, Cheslav bid the shoggoth that helped him farewell, insisting that he could ‘be takings it from here.’ She bowed before heading back down to the underground dorm to help her sisters clean up all the sand. Cheslav regrouped with Marshall, who waiting just behind some bushes with both the captured shoggoth and Saria.

“Holy heck, what happened in there, Cheslav? Are they alright?”

“Crazy feather duster and mister chloroform are both fine, need smelling salts again.”

“Hoo boy, did he smell his own jacket again?”

“FOURTH TIME, COMRADE! FOURTH. TIME.”

“Pff, fuckin’ idjit thinks he knows how to use chloroform from watching one or two episodes of Miami CSI.”

“Can you carry Church on plastic bin? Cheslav will carry Prudence.”

“Leave it to me, partner.”

With Church sprawled out on top of the plastic bin and Prudence slung over Cheslav’s shoulder, they all headed back to base.

***

“So, any chance you’re going to explain to me why you brought me here?” Amy asked, her voice muffled by the container but still audible. At first she was in shock at actually being kidnapped, but now she was just irritated.

“I’d love to, but first we gotta wake up the lovebirds from their unexpected slumber.”

“Wakey wakings, eggs and bakings…” Cheslav chanted, wafting a tiny jar of crystals under the unconscious duo.

Church and Prudence both inhaled sharply, then started to cough and sputter from the strong scent of the smelling salts.

“Oh god, what the fuck Chap! Wh-why would you do that? What’s going on here?”

“U tebya cho ruki iz zhopi rastut? You smell chloroform shirt again, Church.”

“I did? I don’t think I’d be that stupid.”

Cheslav clenched the jar of smelling salts tighter. “Evidence is pretty overwhelming, comrade.”

“Oh. Well… Do we have the shoggoth we’re looking for?”

“Da, go see comrade Marshall.”

“What the heck was that!?” Prudence rubbed her head, her coughing fit finally ending. She looked around and saw she was back at the base, Church and Marshall were gathered around a plastic bin filled with purple slime and Saria was admiring the Wall of Triumph. But… Where was Cheslav?

“Prudence.”

She squeaked. “Ah!? Oh h-hey Cheslav…”

“Cheslav could really use some vodka and lemon.”

She snapped to attention, bowing before hurrying into the kitchen. “R-right away!”

Meanwhile, Church approached the sealed container, bending down and tapping the top of it with his cane. “Feeling a bit crowded in there?”

“Yeah, I’d really appreciate it if you let me out.”

Church snorted. “So you are uncomfortable, good. Maybe that’ll mean you will give us the answers we need quicker.”

“What answers?? I already told Marshall that I was only a messenger! Ask Narjala! I had n-nothing to do with…” She starts to trail off, as if she realized she said too much.

“Oh?” Church leaned in even closer, his face right up against the container and staring into her yellow orbs. “Who’s Narjala?”

“I-I shouldn’t, I can’t tell you.”

“I, for one, think you should if you want to leave anytime soon.”

“Come on, Amy. I don’t wanna keep ya here any more than ya wanna be here.” Marshall added.

“But… She’s my friend, I don’t want to rat her out.”

“You see, while I sympathize with that reasoning, I can’t let you leave until you tell me what I want to know. So your choices are to either cooperate or prepare for some more… persuasive methods.”

Amy gulped. “P-persuasive? Like what?”

“Marshall, go get a bottle of pop from the fridge.”

“You mean soda?” Marshall corrected.

“Pop.”

“Soda.”

“Just get the damn bottle!”

“Fine, be wrong for all I care.”

Marshall left for the kitchen, then came back with a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi, just so they weren’t wasting any good soda.

“What are you doing with that… soda?” Amy asked nervously.

“Aha! See, she calls it soda too!”

“Shut up, you inbred moron. As for you, Amy, have you ever been… stuffed somewhere so horrible that you would do anything to get out? Not only is it slippery and slimy, but you feel every part of your body wracked in both searing heat and biting cold?” Church smirked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a fire and ice condom.

Amy gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, you don’t know me well enough to assume that. Show her what’ll happen to her if she doesn’t give me some answers, Marshall.”

Amy looked at Marshall with pleading eyes, all Marshall did was shake his head. “Sorry, we really need to know this.” He was about to pour the soda inside when Amy spoke up.

“W-wait! I think I have a compromise!”

“Oh? You think you’re in a position to negotiate?” Church asked curiously, leaning on his cane.

“I-if you promise to frame someone else for telling you, I won’t tell campus security about you guys kidnapping me.”

Church paused, he forgot that kidnapping was against the rules. “Well. You drive a hard bargain, but who would we even frame?” He stood there, pondering for a minute. “I’ve got it! We blame Prudence!”

“Wait, what!?” Prudence snapped her head in Church’s direction.

“We ain’t doin’ that, why don’t we just claim we eavesdropped or somethin.”

“Cheslav suggests we blame the alps.”

“What is it with you and alps you bloody twink? I like Marshall’s idea better, make them think we have a secret network of spies or something.”

“That sound acceptable to ya?” Marshall turned towards Amy.

“S-sure, that’s fine.” Amy looked down.

“Hey now, why the long face?” Marshall asked.

“It’s just… I really hoped that… nevermind. I’ll just tell you all what you want so I can get out of here.”

Church and Marshall leaned towards her expectantly.

“Narjala is a jinko, just under seven feet tall and a solid wall of muscle. She’s in direct contact with whoever is behind your guys’s underwear disappearing, if anyone has them it’s her.”

Marshall sighed, then stood up, stretching his arms. “Whelp, looks like we ain’t gettin’ our underwear back nohow. Might as well accept the loss and buy some new pairs.”

Church looked over at him in disbelief. “Buck up, lad! I’m not having my strongest asset chicken out because of some tigress savages. We strike the jinkos in two days at seven, no excuses!”

“Chuuuurrrchhh…” Marshall whined. “But they’re stronger than the hinezumiiii, they beat them every tiiiime.”

“Marshall.” Church got in his face, tapping his chest with his cane. “If you’re not by my side along with Chap in two days at precisely seven in the evening, I’m going to make sure everyone knows you have women’s underwear in your drawer.”

“And how’re you gonna prove that?”

“Oh, I don’t need to. Do you really think students will pass up something as good as that? They’ll believe it because it’s funny and they want to believe. On top of that, I know it’s true, and so do you.”

Marshall gritted his teeth. “You’re a real asshole, you know that, Church?”

“And you’re a stupid lout, but I forgive you for that.”

“Hey guys, can I go now?” Amy whimpered from inside the plastic container.

“Oh yes, let her out Marshall.” He tapped the box with his cane.

Marshall sighed and picked up the crate, lugging it outside and pouring her semi-gelatinous body onto the ground. “Now Amy, remember our-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold up my end of the bargain, but Marshall…”

“Hm?”

“Did you… get my hopes up on purpose?”

“Yer hopes up? Ya mean you really wanted to clean that plastic thingy?”

“No, I-” She sighed. “Look, you’re a very sweet guy Marshall, but you’re denser than anti-matter sometimes, you know? I don’t know why I wasted my time. Have a good life.” She bowed, then headed off into the sunset, which also happened to be the direction of her dorm.

“I’m… dense?” Marshall held his hand up to his chin, trying to deduce what she meant by that.

“Hey, Marshall?” Another voice came from behind him.

“What is it now?”

“I don’t think you’re dense…” Saria wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind. “Or at least, if you’re dense that’s not something I don’t like about you.” She nuzzled into the back of his neck.

“Uh, thanks Saria, I really ‘preciate that. Yer a good friend.”

Saria whined uncomfortably at being called the f-word. “D-do you think we could grab dinner together? I’d like to cash in our other date.”

Marshall thought about it for a minute, then shrugged. “Sure, why not? Where do ya wanna go?”

“I dunno yet, buuut… I’ll text you when I think of a place.”

“Kay, I’ll seeya sometime tonight I guess.”

“Byebye, go home safe~” She closed her eyes and leaned in forward to kiss his cheek, but she leaned too far forward and fell on her hands and knees. “Aaagh!” She caught herself just in time, then looked up to see Marshall had already started walking home.

‘Dammit. It would be too awkward to ask for a goodbye kiss now. M-maybe when our date is done?’ She mused to herself.

Back in the base, Church had just finished hanging up the shoggoth panties that Marshall managed to snatch, and now he and Cheslav were drinking; Church had lemonade, while Cheslav had a mug of kvass.

“So, for the jinko raid, we’re going to need to get Marshall outfitted for battle. Get him a suit of knight armour, and some knives.”

“But comrade, knives on campus are illegal.”

“Well you have those guns on your wall, aren’t those illegal?”

“Guns just for decoration, not of shootings.”

“Oh whatever. So what’s Marshall to do then?”

“Fist covered in metal usually effective weapon.”

“Hmmm, good point. That’s probably enough to handle some overgrown cats. I need you to distract them too, the goal is to get all of them distracted while I steal the panties. Think you can handle that?”

“Da comrade, Cheslav knows what to do.”

“I knew you would. Now, let’s form a study group so I can copy off your notes for tomorrow’s test.”

“Cheslav… has something to do first.”

***

It did not take Cheslav long to find Natasha moping in the school courtyard, she sat on the fountain, staring at her reflection. Cheslav took a deep breath, this wasn’t something he was used to doing, and under normal circumstances he wouldn’t bother with things like this, but something about her… the way those tears welled up in her eyes before she ran out of the base, made him want to make things right. Once in front of her, he tapped her shoulder. She stopped staring into the fountain to look up at him, and squinted her eyes.

“You’re not cardboard, are you?”

“Da.” Cheslav answered.

“Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Am cardboard, touch arm.”

The wight looked around, a few passers-by still walking around the courtyard she sat in were watching. She felt a little silly, but steeled herself. No backing down now, she wouldn’t be made a fool twice in one day.She reached out, touching his arm hesitantly. They both stood motionless for a minute before Cheslav piped up.

“Was joke. ”

It was stupid. Of course it was. Who would find that funny? But somehow, it seemed charming, coming from him, and in spite of herself, Natasha giggled a little.

“Oh, stop it…”

He sat down next to her, awkwardly snapping his head away when she looked at him and pretending to be transfixed by the fountain in the middle of the square.

“Eeeeh… Dead la- Natasha. Was meanings Natasha. Am sorry comrades were not kind before.”

“W-well then, why didn’t you stop them?”

The man twiddled his thumbs nervously, taking a deep breath and hesitating.

“Was… Eeh… Needed Natasha to tell who was other ladies, but… Cheslav is bad at talking, so was not sure what to do…”

“Well, you got it out of me anyway! Well, and that… that chicken.”

“Comrade Cluckers just…” Cheslav sighed again, looking down. “Am sorry, did not want to hurt Natasha.”

There was… something about the sad-looking man in front of Natasha. The way he looked so nervous, like she was going to punish him, and the way he seemed so… genuine. She stood up, looking down on the poor bolshevik man, who looked up at her with those remorseful blue eyes. Straightening herself out, she gave him a her most magnanimous, smile and held out her hand.

“Well, if you’re bad at talking, we should really do something about that, shouldn’t we?”

Cheslav looked confused for a moment, his thumbs stopping for the first time since their conversation had begun.

“Why don’t we interrogate each other over dinner?”

“N-Natasha is not mad?”

“Well, I suppose that depends on where you take me. I am, nobility, after all.” She grinned, flipping her hair over her shoulder. ‘Maybe wearing this dress wasn’t a waste.’

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