A gorgeous Echidna sitting on her coiled tail looks over your resume, then back to you, then back at the resume; rinse, and repeat. All the while she has this cold stare making it impossible to read whether she’s impressed or not, needless to say you were quite worried you wouldn’t get the job. Then again applying to a job like this and actually getting it might be more of a pipe dream than anything.
Still you hope your years of work and solid reputation would be enough to sway her to your side.
Despite being an important figure she was dressed rather casually for her kind with a particular fancy to gold; a simple violet sash with gold patterns of rings, and curves adorned her well endowed chest, and compliment her pristine light-blue skin. Her green hair was bright, bouncy, and lengthy reaching down to her waistline. Her hourglass figure in perfect splendor to your eyes, with a matching violet and gold loincloth covering her womanhood and kept together on a gold hoop. Matching her hair her snake-like tail reached several feet, even coiled under her you can tell it can stretch quite long. The patterns on her scale was colored the same as her skin, and stretched like a waves across her tail.
Her sharp yellow eyes finally turn to you once more before speaking
“Hm~ my-oh my you have quite the positive record here, one could even say you’re overqualified for this” She explains.
“I-I strive to better myself everyday Kaitlyn” you try to assure her.
“Please just call me Katy dear, it makes me feel young” Katy explained.
Yes ma-am-I mean Katy” you stutter growing nervous to the point of feeling sweaty under your palms.
“Graduated from College with exceptional grades, even went the extra mile with University. Involved in sports, even played on a state level at one point…” Katy went on.
“G-go Jackrabbits” you meekly cheer you old college team.
“Majored in two fields, minored in several more. Dear me this could impress government officials you know” Katy said
“I didn’t know what would help so I went with as many fields as I could” you half-joke, but of course the real life grind to achieve what you’ve done is one memory you’d rather not gloss over.
“Yet here you are, trying to get a job as a caretaker at my orphanage. I apologize if I sound rude but may I ask why?” Katy asked.
“I-well to be honest I grew up around kids my whole life, being one the oldest of the bunch you know. My mother…well after the divorce my step-mother was a mamono and with that came a little sister and we just had a blast together, plus my entire school life I was around mamono. I-I guess what I’m trying to say is having to take care of my little sibling made me happy, and I was so undecided about what to do after college until I found out you were hiring. I knew it would be a long shot but I was willing to risk it, and here I am, to-uh make a long story short” you explain.
“That is a touchingly long story cut short, and it makes me happy to see such a positive impact our kind have left on you, but you know what I’ll be doing right?” Katy said.
You nod your head.
She lifts herself up and slithers across her office, looking at all her little decorations mostly that of plush and chibi snakes, and cats.
“I’ll be hiring a man, not on a temporary basis like I do when I need something constructed, repaired or renovated, but on a full time basis. I’ll be trusting you to keep your urges off my children and even the staff themselves for that matter as it is very easy to get distracted from work, I’m not paying you all to mate after all. Not only that you’ll be the only male to work on the inside on a full time schedule, one man against so many women-mamono for that matter and you still want to work here?” Katy asked.
You adopt a serious frown and nod your head once more. Certain now more than ever to prove to her that you can do this, that you have something others do not.
“*Giggle* well first off we’ll have to do something about that serious attitude, you’ll put off a lot of my children acting like that” Katy said.
“U-uh right, Katy?” You call out to her uncertain.
“Right then we’ll have to give you our uniform, an access card to slide on our locked doors, I’ll have to let the staff know too and all the paperwork to deal with as well” Katy mumbled.
“D-does this mean I got it!?” You try to contain your fan-gasm.
“Yes, I have high hopes for you little one, I’m sure you’ll do me proud” Katy smiled.
“Thank you! Oh Katy thank you so much you have no idea how much this means to me!” You exclaim.
“Easy there big boy, you have the job but we should really lay down some ground rules first” Katy said.
“Anything, I can handle anything” you assure her.
“I take it you’ve studied our kind, and the many-many variety this large world has to offer us?” Katy said.
“Yes of course!” You’re confident in your abilities.
“Ah, but do you have any idea on how they act on a younger level, how they behave as children? Their mannerisms and what not? I can promise you this they’re a whole lot different when their young, you may have been around your little sister alot, but there’s a whole slew of different mamono I’m almost certain you haven’t even seen yet” Katy said.
At this you weren’t so sure of yourself. Of course you read all the books and studied for so long, but all you got on them is all the practical and scientific studies.
“I can see your confidence is shrinking, let me make it easier on you. What you’re lacking isn’t intellect, it’s experience. That’s why every once in a while when you start your day I or one of the staff will introduce you to our children and give you the run-down on their behavior patterns and from then on you use your nursing and care-taking skills for the rest. You told me you’ve taken care of your younger siblings in the past right? Just do what you did for them and you’ll be fine…probably” Katy explained as she muttered that last part.
“I-I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity Katy” you still couldn’t believe this was happening.
“There’s no need to thank me, you did this all yourself. Your determination and hard work got you this far and now the next page of your life is about to begin. May it be a happy and dare I say…naughty one” Katy explained as her expression turned raunchy, her snake-like tongue licking her lips before opening the door allowing you to exit her office.
“Your first shift will be a short one, starting at ten, don’t keep me waiting” Katy purred.
“U-um thank you Katy” you murmur a response.
“I’ll be choosing the first of my little ones for you to get to know better, don’t worry about a thing though. I’ll pick the safe and easy ones for you, and then we’ll move up to the more dangerous, we took in a Hellhound just last week and I kind of want to show her off” Katy assured.
Your eyes go wide at the severity of the situation but despite that you won’t let anything scare you off from your new job!
The next morning still wearing your usual attire seeing as how your uniform is currently being worked on you enter the Little Monster Miracle Orphanage through the front door only to see Katy waiting for you in front of the hallway.
“Glad you made it, j-just for the record I didn’t wait for you or anything!” Katy went full tsundere for a moment. “Just kidding! Come on, let’s go. I have the room all set up and the girls are ready if not a little sleepy” Katy casually responded.
You politely nod and gesture her to lead the way to which she is more than happy to do so. It appeared as if she is already on normal speaking terms with you; you might even think the two of you are already friends.
“You’ll find I build this place quite elaborately, you could say it’s like a labyrinth so it’s quite easy to get lost if you don’t memorize the map which I will be handing you after work” Katy explained.
Taking a few turns here and there you are taken to a room which looked exactly like a classroom, empty desks aligned in a row of five by five with a white board on the front end nearly stretching from one side of the wall to the other. A small wooden podium sits in the middle of the room where you presume the teacher would stand behind to lecture the students.
“We’ll be borrowing this classroom for all our lectures, we’ll make them quick as our teacher wishes to start her classes sooner rather than later” Katy said.
“Will I meet her too?” You ask.
“In due time I’m sure, but for now let me bring out the girls and begin your training!” Katy declared.
You studied together with Katy going over a few of the basics and being introduced to a young Lamia girl. Polite, sweet, and a bit clingy, but you got the gist of her wants and needs, and before you knew it the lesson was over just as the Lamia was getting ready to drag you outside to play with her.
“Sorry little one, but he’s not ready to play, but I’m happy you like him! I think he’s definitely a keeper” Katy teased the beaming lamia before shooing her away.
It wasn’t long before your first trial day ended, getting a quick tour of the basic locations such as the bathhouse, cafeteria, and several entrances to the backyard. The walk back to the front entrance was quiet until Katy briefly spoke up.
“I suppose maybe I was a little strict back when we first met so let me try to elaborate something to you before you leave” Katy said.
You nod your head wondering what she has planned.
“While I said you aren’t allowed to rut like animals while on the job, well, let’s just say I can’t ignore strong urges and I’m not always watching so sneaking to fool around isn’t entirely forbidden. Though I would appreciate it if you did it on your breaks and you continue to work hard soon afterward, then once your shift is over you can chose to do whatever you want” Katy said.
“I-I um that’s not why I signed up for this you know” you try to assure her of your intentions.
“I know, and to be honest I’m still a little confused as to how to best work this. Like I said you’re the first full time male employee here so this is all new to me. However I know the importance of love and romance for mamono here and thus I give you full permission to date anyone in this staff should you find yourself interested” Katy gave the green light.
You almost do a spit-take at such a revelation, as if you have just been giving the golden ticket into the chocolate factory.
“You are also permitted to adopt any of my little ones that also suit your fancy; just remember you’re restricted to only five as any more is too much of a hassle unless of course you’re an experience Bicorn…but you’re not, so just five.” Katy restricted.
“Y-yes Katy I’ll follow your rules” You assure her.
“That’s good, I want everyone to be happy here, and that includes you, but just remember that sleeping around with anything that moves while enjoyable can have it’s own consequences especially if you’re doing it with your fellow employees so don’t make any stupid choices and keep your hormones to yourself or at least to a special someone” Katy warned.
You nod your head rapidly as you have heard stories of people doing such things and knowing Lamias are present here could mean you could end up in severe trouble. Yet you can’t help sampling everything this place has to offer, the temptation is just too strong.
“I can’t believe it…so I can date anyone here?” You ask.
Katy looks back to you with a lewd smile across her face as she stands in front of the entrance and opens it with her tail.
“Yes~ anyone here that catches your fancy. Of course be warned not all of us are as easy to bed as some people have led you to believe and some of us are old enough to have heard every pick-up line known to man. You’ll have to put a lot work into it. But I can guarantee…” Katy began. Her hands traveling across her waist rubbing herself rather seductively and giving you quite a show before she crosses them across her large bosom. “The rewards are worth every struggle” Katy purred.
You find yourself unable to respond, already turned on to the brink of jumping at her to do the nasty right on the hallway but you fight off such urges and simply nod your head.
“Tomorrow is your first real shift, you’re uniform should be done by then. I’ll see you there, have a pleasant day” Katy bid farewell.
You walk out of the orphanage, the image of Katy exploring her body still fresh in your head and her promise of rewards now tattooed into your brain. You could almost let out a cheer of happiness for your good luck, but of course you remind yourself that this is still a job and you aim to do her proud.
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Some rough wording here and there, so make sure you’re reading your sentences out loud to check your flow, otherwise,great start. Looking forward to chapter 1.
Can do, I’m already going over it again to see if where I missed, thanks for the heads up! I always appreciate the help.
Timid! Glad you could finally make it! Can’t wait to see the rest of all this make it over here.
Yup, gonna give this a real clean-up, and probably expand upon them for better depth and connection. Can’t wait to go back to reading your stuff soon too!
Well, this certainly looks promising. A young human male, will be working in a Mamono orphanage. I didn’t catch his name though.
A) Spelling/Grammar. Twoheavens gave the best advice. May I also recommend that you can improve by using more synonyms for a particular word. Like Gold- for instance. (Auric, Gilded, Gilt, etc.) But, I also learned of a phrase I’ve not encountered before: Spit-take.
B) Premise. Quite delightful. A young-ish human male, working in a Mamono Orphanage, who feels that he’s gotten the ‘golden-ticket’ since he gets the opportunity to ‘date’ co-workers. As I recall, The Chocolate Factory also came with many a danger to it. Soon, he will learn the difference between book learning, and field experience.
C) Relatable. Definitely. We’ve all been there in an interview, and I recall the nervousness as well. Yet, it needs a bit more polishing to make it immersive relatable. I’d recommend one or two more details per scene to make it seem more- there. The scent in the air. What does the place smell like? Perhaps the sounds; the pitter-patter of tiny hooves, pads, or slithering resonating in the halls.
D) Consistency. It was only during my third read-through that I caught the fact that the story, consisted of two parts: 1) Interview, and 2) The next morning. I’d recommend a form of page break in between scenes: A visual reinforcement, for lack of a better term.
E) Other. I’m trying to be diplomatic. I’d request less telling, and more showing of details.
Telling:Katy explained as her expression turned raunchy, her snake-like tongue licking her lips
Ok, why did her licking her lips seem raunchy to Mr. X?
Showing: Katy explained as her expression changed slightly. I felt my breath catch as I caught sight of her tongue for the first time. It was flat like a humans’ yet split exotically at the end like a snakes’. It seemed that she took just a little too much time to lick those succulent lips of hers. As my eyes focused on that tongue, I wondered what it would feel like sliding on my lips.
Get the idea?
So TimidDarkSpy, you’re off to a good start. It’s a great premise, and I’m looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
But, it needs a bit more spit and polish. So- in all honesty, I’m going with a 4-star. You’ll improve. You’ve got the talent.
I can’t thank you enough for the feed-back, it’s a real eye-opener, and quite honestly, I had thought I was being too descriptive at times, but perhaps I was holding myself back?
I’ll take your advice to heart, and try new things, and work on getting a thesaurus handy the next time I write a chapter!
Really thank you so much!