> I was through my village at night after a long day exhausted.
> I hear howls and laughter approaching from behind me.
> I turn around to see four Werewolves howling at the moon while drinking out of a bottle.
> Starts to pick up the pace to get home.
> I hear “Ooooh get him girls!” from one of the Werewolves then hearing another howl but this sounding a bit more lustful
> I start to run through the village for an escape.
> I hear “Don’t let him get away!” the same girl said.
> I continue to run making my way out of the village and into the forest.
> I hear the same voice close behind me “You cannot hide from four of us, just come out and play.”
> Shivers go up my spine as I continue to run. My lungs feel like they are on fire
> I continue to run before being tackled to the ground.
> I am forced on my back with my wrists being pinned down to the ground as my captor yells “I caught him!”
> A few seconds go by before the three other Werewolves show up.
> The one Werewolf who was yelling for the girls then said while looking at the Werewolf who had me pinned down to the ground “You caught him, so you get the first load.”
> I go to scream but I was interrupted by a wet kiss that reeked of alcohol.
> Claws ripped my shirt and pants from my body leaving me nude.
> The head of the pack stood above me before saying “You be good now, and we will be nice to you.”
> The Werewolf on top of me broke the kiss before sliding down on my rock hard length.
> A loud moan escapes my mouth before the pack leader lowered her paw rubbing her pads against my lips.
> The pack leader said “Don’t be loud or else things might not end nicely.”
> I kept quiet while the one Werewolf used her tight slick walls to pleasure me in ways I never thought possible.
> Each time I went to moan I was stopped by the pack leader.
> Minutes later I had to let a loud moan and sprayed a warm load into the Werewolf riding me.
> She let out a howl in pleasure before the pack leader smiled and said “I’ll let that moan slide, now it is my other girls turn.” before instructing another to climb on top of my still rock hard cock.
> Each girl over and over again rode me in a drunken horny rage, each time not getting any lighter.
> I eventually pass out after hours of sex with the group.
> I must have stayed passed out for a while. Hours later I wake up in a house that isn’t my own with two of the Werewolves from last night cuddling with me.
> Even though my pelvis and hips hurt, that night was great, and I knew I was going to relive it very soon.30132 Views
5 thoughts on “Drunk Pack”
Well, I’ve been meaning to read something you’ve written for a while, & I remember why I procrastinated now. I’ll give you some more or less constructive criticism, ’cause ya need it.
Let’s put aside keeping the greentext format for a narrative on a site that doesn’t support greentext, because sometimes it’s just the most convenient choice of format. I’d argue this should be re-edited out of the format, but whatever.
“I was through my village at night etc.” Is not a sentence. Were you walking through your village? Were you past your village? Night generally comes after a long day. Were you exhausted after that long day and it was night? Because the sentence as is doesn’t really say that. One shouldn’t have to interpret english like Google translate answers. Unless this is all written in a second language and then translated? Then there are other issues…
Start, not starts. I know I can be complacent about proofreading, but did you read anything you wrote?
Lazy/poor “this, then that, then this, theb etc” writing. Not much in the way of natural flow, I’m not going to waste my time providing rewritten examples unless asked for though.
Looking for an escape, to escape?
One can generally assume that you can hear dialogue that’s written out with all the characters present. In fact it’s less likely that you would have to write “I heard” than “Out of earshot, they said…”
Even if you wanted to explicitly point out the fact the protagonist heard every single line the wolves say, using “I heard” like three times in a row isn’t that great.
The kiss smelled? Or did it taste? Or did the girl smell?
Wow, from being stressed about being raped 30 seconds before he’s certainly eager now. Was he just being coy? Or is he just sensitive?
wait. So the werewolf can howl but you can’t moan? Also: “girl’s”
He’s super not stressed about being raped and kidnapped huh?
Well… That was a collection of words that made a story I guess? It would be worth editing this into a more cohesive story, carefully proofreading it, and reformatting it. Apart from that, yay for werewolves I guess?
First off, this is written in English I do not speak any other language.
This is my first shot at green-text.
The girls breath smelled of alcohol, I mentioned that
Being put in the situation of being raped by four Werewolves one would give up hope, plus being surrounded by four women knowing exactly what is about to happen would still be exciting in someway. Sex with a Monster Girl is exciting no matter how perverted it sounds
Him not being able to moan is the pack leader asserting her dominance on him, and even though it isn’t described the girls want to get their fill without someone interrupting. Noise from a male might attract attention.
Again not being super stressed about the rape and kidnapping also goes unsaid due to it being a green-text story. Normally I would give some detail on how Werewolves live in packs and could easily overpower an average man. So would fighting them be such a good idea?
Either way thanks for your input and criticism. I will use it in future stories.
No, you said “a wet kiss that reeked of alcohol”. It technically kinda works.
Srs time, getting raped isn’t exciting to like 99.9999+% of the population, male or female, much less by a goddamn monster. But this is fantasy so really that’s neither here nor there.
Physiological responses are physiological I guess.
You’d give up hope if you were a quitter. Even if you do give up hope most victims don’t just go with it. Fantasy is fantasy but your characters still need to act like human beings. Or para human beings.
Oh, ok, it’s less the watch or police they’re worried about and someone stealing their meal.
Hmm, greentext can be longer and more detailed you know? Of its better to add it you should just add it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a good idea or not, some people still fight. It depends on how violent you want your rape. They can be cowed and frightened into going with it, or they can hate it but submit, this guy was acting like it was an onerous chore. If you’re being raped “let’s just think of England” is a strived for ideal in the midst of violent assault. The amount this guy worries this could just be his Tuesday. And eventually that much psychological trauma will build up and over flow. Rape isn’t really as fun or harmless as you’d like it to be and if you sidestep that knowledge without backing it up with good writing it just looks odd.
You don’t need to add your blocks of encyclopedia style exposition to get that effect you know? In fact the huge encyclopedic blocks are either a bad fit or lazy exposition. Rather than give the information naturally you just tell the reader everything they need to know in one go.
No worries~ hope it helps
what’s the point of this story