“you two have a nice date” A werewolf trying not to bust out laughing.
“your loving this arent ya Alpha” James said holding the car door open letting an Alp get in.
“oh you have no idea” Alpha answered.
“Easy Alpha dont be mean” Johnathen said petting her of the head.
“you take care hun. try not to take advantage of him just cause hes cute.”Another werewolf said trying to hide her blushing.
“dont worry dear I wont.” he said getting into the car himself.
“you guys take care and have fun.” Jonathen said as they left.
“will do” James said relunctantly.
Once in the car himself he starts it and drives into town.
“so what do we have planned?” the Alp asked.
“well to be honest im kind of new to this whole date thing so i was thinking a dinner and a movie. if thats ok Angel” James said.
“ok.” Angel said.
after a while Angel sees something that excites him.
“James James!!!” he says tugging on James’s shirt.
“what?” he asked.
“there is a fair in town. any chance we could go there before the movie?” Angel asks giving a begging face.
With a sigh James head towards the Fair “I guess”
Once at the Fair Angel starts pulling James to all the rides happily.
“hmm?” James said thinking someone hew knew was following him.
“whats wrong?” angel asked.
“nothing just thought i saw something nevermind” James answered.
after riding some of the rides Angel starts getting a bit hungery so they stop by a food stand and grab a bite to eat.
“so you enjoying the fair food?” James asked.
“mhm” Angel said with a big smile. “oh James. you have some food on your face.” Angel said.
“oh where?” James said trying to wipe it off. “here” Angel leaned in and kissed him on the cheek getting the food off.
off in the distance James could have sworn he heard someone familiar squeeing.
Right after they finished their food James noticed an old school tunnel of love ride and asks if Angel wants to go on.
Almost as if he is glowing he gleefully grabs James’s hand and tugs him to it.
The ride itself was a little corny but Angel seemed to enjoy it.
Angel cuddled up next to an embarrased and reluctant James. “so uhhh you enjoying the ride?” james said.
“mhm. thank you James.” Angel answered.
After the ride was over James finally looked at his watch and realized it might be a it late for a movie and diner but seeing as how Angel is happy he blows it off. Walking through the Fair Angel sees a cute teddy bear at a dart throwing stand run by a shady looking man.
Noticing Angel eyeing the bear james asks if he wanted the bear.
To which Angel smiles and nods. “alright how much for a game and how do I win the bear” he asks the stand owner.
“5$ for 3 darts and you need to pop 6 balloons for the bear” the stand owner said. “what?!? thats bull.” James exlaimed but seeing Angel he breaks and hands over the money. “good luck” the owner said with a grin. “lets see. luckily they arent that light so they should fly well but not that sharp.then again thats either part of the scam or for safety reasons.” James thought checking the darts.
after a deep breath he eyes up the ballloons on the wall and tosses them similar to a knife out of habit and pops 6 of them. only 2 of the darts sticking in the wall.
“damn it. thought they all would have stuck.” James said annoyed at his bad throw. “ohhh sorry you may have popped enough but all 3 didnt stick so im only counting………them all a hit. here you go” the stand owner looking pale hands over the teddy to the Alp.
Wondering what could have frightened him James looks behind him but doesnt see anyone but a familiar looking tail.
“it couldnt be….could it? nah.” he said to himself.
While still holding the teddy Angel jumps onto James hugging him “Thank you. its so cute” he said excitedly.
“oh uh hey dont mention it.” James said petting Angels head.
After a few more rides it starts getting a bit late and James notices that he might miss the restraunt so he offers to grab some food at another food stand.
Once they ate James offers to get them some ice-cream since they missed the dinner.
Handing over the ice-cream Angel happily digs in.
Enjoyng his own ice-cream James looks over to Angel and sees some of the ice-cream got on him in a lewd fasion.
Almost choking from the shock, Angel asks if he is ok. “yeah yeah just some went down the wrong hole. hey you have some on your face here.” James says grabbing a napkin and wiping Angels face.
“thanks. ummm so what flaver did you get” angel asks. “swirl” James answered. “may i have some?” Angel asks cutely.
“uhhh sure” James said handing over his ice-cream.
But instead of taking it Angel licks it right from his hand.
Again James hears a squeeing sound somewhere.
Finishing the ice-cream the two of them head back to the car.
“sorry I couldnt take you to the movies.” James said opening the door for Angel.
“It’s ok. I really enjoyed the fair. It was a lot of fun” Angel said getting in.
After a while the two make it back to the manor and get out.
After parking the car they make it up to the front door and are greeted by a big group of monster girls.
“so how was the date? you have fun with your little playmate?” Alpha said laughing.
“well there was a Fair so we kind of got side tracked. Angel seemed to have had fun though.” james answered.
“im glad he enjoyed his day out. you really are a nice man.” a Succubus said walking up.
Noticing the bear she asks Angel about it.
“James won it for me. he was really cool.”Angel answered.
“he did?! well then. you better thank him” she said.
With a nod he goes over back to james and has him lean down.
“thank you for the amazing date at the fair” he said before giving James a kiss on the lips.
This causes James to freeze in shock and Alpha to bust out laughing before Angel heads back up to his room.
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I’m not sure that I got all 5 stars, well done, anyhow. If the person in charge can check, I’d appreciate it if I hit less than 5 to fix it…
All fine. No worries.
This could’ve used an editor. Putting aside the lack of capitalization/punctuation and misspelled words, apparently the Alp is a guy? I thought the whole point of Alps were that they weren’t male anymore?
Putting full conversations in one paragraph, and especially multiple speaking on one line, makes the conversation flow poorly to me.
I used to do the “describe how someone spoke after every line” thing too, the best thing I discovered is that if you describe how the characters feel at the start of the conversation you can get away with less noise during, which makes your dialog flow much better.
Yeah sorry probably should have explained the alp but better. From what I’ve read alps are dudes at first till they get enough energy then they become female and are labeled succubi.
Also on the editor thing……I don’t have the funding to hire an editor and I feel really bad asking a friend to edit for me
As for the last bit…..I don’t understand what ya mean? Mind showing an example please?
Ok, following on from what VB said.
He doesn’t mean “hire an editor” he’s saying, “proof read your work.”
Basic stuff. Like. Being able to go from A to Z with the 24 letters in between. Ok, look, as an example I’ll do the first… meta-paragraph/break/thing:
“you” to You. Capitals. Every new sentence. Every new line. Capitals.
“A werewolf trying not to bust out laughing” is a fragment, it has nothing to do with the dialogue because you haven’t linked the two in a satisfactory way. You can use this sort of thing for effect, but you’re not there yet.
You/You are/Your, all different, all should be used correctly.
Arent isn’t a word. Aren’t.
Said(COMMA) or else your sentence subject falls apart… look even the second part’s subject is confused.
You’re not properly punctuating the endings of your quotes either. You need a full stop or a comma or whatever.
Petting her of the head.
Full stop, no capital.
Hes is a contraction, you need that apostrophe. He is. He’s.
-cute.” Another. […] said,
Dont = do not = don’t. Wont is actually a word this time. It is not the word you are looking for however.
He said? Who said? Or is this because Alpha is still idenitfying as male at this point? Muh pronouns. Also nouns, what’s up with the name Alpha?
Ok. You see yet? Do you get the 101 writing issues at play here?
I mean, with VB’s last point about changing up dialogue, I feel like you should aim to have it be correct before you aim for it to be good to be perfectly honest, or hurdle at a time.
This is generally the point where I rhetorically ask “do you read?” and then direct you to the classics section of your local book depository.
To be honest, I’m not willing to go through the other issues in this piece until you correct the grammar and issues.
Usage and Abusage, Fowler’s Modern English, Elements of Style, a high school English grammar textbook… any of those would and will help you.
Depends on the point in time after start of transition so could still identify as male