Don’t know how many people will read it but here is the revamped version of Wormhole Chapters 11 of 11. I’m getting ready for a release on other sites so I felt it had to be done.
Now there is nothing stopping me from completing Chapter 12. I can’t tell how thankful I am with how patient you all have been waiting for it.
Enjoy and comment. Even pointing out typos with your comments helps.
Original Author’s Note:
I was both excited and terrified to dive into Wonderland. It was a tough chapter to write but here it is. Any feedback helps.
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be an explorer… but this is definitely not what I had in mind.
Having to go on foot, I trudged my way through the color-coded amazon. This must be some foreshadowing. I hadn’t gone thirty feet into the bush before the world of sanity behind me had mysteriously vanished without a trace into a black void. No way to see more than fifteen feet in front or in back of me. It was almost like I’d stepped into another world completely. No turning back. Terrific.
I figured I’d best stick to one direction until I stumbled onto something; preferably a cliff. Nah, that’s a lie. I’ve destroyed a camp, climbed a mountain, wrestled a Dragon, took out a recon team, and I have a Demon waiting for me at home. I’ve come too far. Any satisfaction I’d feel from finding an easy way out had died in me a long time again. Besides there was a part of me that was curious as what else I could add to that list of schenanigans.
It wasn’t too long before I came upon a clearing. Now I was able to take in my surroundings.
As you might have already guessed, I apparently stepped into some magic shit because this was much, much bigger than the half a football field forest I’d seen from the outside. How? Who knows. Don’t look for logic in Wonderland.
This place was an entire landscape, complete with grassy meadows, trees, water, and… mountains? Either that or giant breasts. Honestly I could believe either one. Regardless, what a tourist spot. Mushrooms of all shapes and sizes, huts, statues, hills, fortresses, patches of trees, gigantic flowers, waterfalls, rock formations, and several other majestic sights were all over… but scattered about without rhyme or reason. Not grouped together enough to form any kind of consistency.
If I come across a Tellytubby here, I’m shooting the fucker dead.
Contrary to mother nature’s style, were all of the out of control colors. It was a goddamn free-for-all with every shade of the rainbow being used to color the land just as randomly as everything else. Looked like My Little Pony had vomited its entire happy hour onto a Bob Ross painting. Honestly, I expected something like this, but I’m still baffled by it.
I checked to see if any of the forest I’d passed through had splooged its colors onto me. No, we’re all good.
Though there was one common thread in pretty much everything I saw; they were all phallically corrupted in design. Whether it was the shape, coloration, imagery, or all of the above, they all resembled the inside of a highschooler’s notebook; just penises everywhere. Not to mention, some one-on-one action was going on in various spots by the local crazies. Sigmund Freud would clean up here.
Uh-oh. My sanitation alarm was going off in my head again. I don’t think this is what Lewis Carroll had in mind. On second thought, maybe he did.
Unfortunately, the signal I’d been following had disappeared on my tracker. But how? I know he went in here, so he couldn’t have disappeared without a trace. The static interference on the screen certainly hinted at something else. Only one answer I could come up with. It must be the fact that Wonderland was one of those Demon realms I’d heard about. It was a focal point of magic that infected the area around it to the conjurer’s liking. Kind of like the film “Annihilation”. There was nothing wrong with my device functionally, which means that the magic permeating through this place was fucking with the signal. There was, however, some good news. It was unlikely that it was completely lost, just really weak and harder to pinpoint. That left me no choice but to search for the signal myself, leaving it in Lady Luck’s hands. And you know how me and her get along.
I wandered about aimlessly like a kid looking for bars on his cellphone during a trip to the country. So you can imagine how much of a dumbass I felt like. I may have took in the sights along the way, but I was also on alert. I’d heard about the residents of Wonderland. All of them were screwballs, and I mean that both ways. Real DTFs. Best take my mom’s advice; don’t talk to strangers and don’t follow them into a white van, no matter how much sweet talk they offer. And don’t think about what these girls like to put in their tea.
My body felt a little more recovered since my fight with Karvale, but still not much reserve left in me to fight the Skarliks. So I didn’t want to waste energy by starting something with anyone else. Just keep my trap shut and try to lay low. Yeah, I’m pretty good at that, right?
“Well look what I found…” a mischievous voice suddenly purred behind me.
Shit. Right out of the gate…
I turned to the voice but found nothing. What?
“A new mouse looking for a hole” purred the voice once more. Again, nothing.
“A little lost are you, stranger?” the voice came from behind me again. Only this time, I felt something furry brush against my neck. I turned but got the same result.
Man, I hate this shit.
I rapidly turned all around, trying my damnest to see all three-hundred sixty degrees at once.
“Getting warmer…” I heard directly above me. What do you think I found when I looked up? Fuck all.
“Maybe you need a guide?”
Suddenly, something poked at my groin from below, causing me to jump with fright.
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Hands off the goods, you freak… wherever the Hell you are” I shouted out toward the emptiness surrounding me.
“No hands?” suddenly to my right. Nothing there.
“Fine” suddenly to my left. Yet again, nothing there.
There were no spirits or ghosts in Wonderland. That narrowed down the possibilities pretty good.
Once again, something seized my manhood and cradled it. I looked down to see a striped, purple tail of sorts cupping my juice box before it quickly slid away behind me.
Focus, idiot. You can do this.
“Let me give you-” came the voice along with a two soft pads on my shoulders. As fast as I could, I grabbed one of the apparently fluffy pads and yanked the culprit over my shoulder, judo style. I heard a slight yelp from behind. Not bad form on my part, except for the fact that there was no thud on the ground at my feet. Instead, my stalker laid suspended in the air right in front of me.
Easy enough to guess what mamono this was.
Purple. Lots and lots of purple. The fur on her cat-like forearms, purple. Her tail, purple. Her lavish, waist-long hair as well as her adorably fluffy cat ears, also purple; two purples at that. The hair on her left side was a lighter purple while the hair on her right side was a dark, almost black, purple. Nearly as black as the a string of bows braided into her hair and the big bowtie below her chin. Behind her was that purple striped tail that I’d better get a restraining order against. Her fashion had some variety at least. A purple, of course, corset clung tightly to her shapely torso just above a frilly skirt. Though I wouldn’t say she was too restricted in her movement. Her chest and shoulders were gloriously exposed in a light purple bra showing off her ample cleavage. In addition, her curvy hips and legs were on full display below the skirt. Some tight, decorative sleeves and stockings gave the girl some modesty while still showing off her sleek appeal. ‘How long does it take to slip into those?’ I wondered. Tuffs of her fur poked out at the ankles above her classy dress shoes, also with black bow accessories. Yeah, wouldn’t want to give off the impression that she’s a skank off the street or anything.
Instantly, she reminded me of Kuune from that ridiculous anime, “Asobi ni iku yo”, right down to the goddamn cat bell around her neck. How un-ironic.
Striking, cat-like eyes were tracing me from head to toe. They were purple- Urrgh, again with the purple. I never liked purple. But I’m sure I could be persuaded.
Her face was heart shaped; a sign of things to come, I suppose. Sharp points at the corners of her lips gave her a bigger and naughtier banana grin than normal. She had a certain childish quality to her face. No, I’m not going pedophile on you folks, but she struck me as someone who looked the same as an adult as she did when she was a kid. Aging flawlessly. Not as elegantly beautiful; more of a smoking girl next door kind of hotness. Pretty face, slutty clothes, so… pretty slutty.
Nice, comely figure. Though, not quite as big of a bosom or other over the top ‘assets’ as Veina, Sateen, or Karvale. I would know, I’ve seen them up close. But her lupine features were more than enough to make a guy’s thoughts turn immoral. Same kind of sultry albeit smaller package, though still pretty busty by Earth standards. Bigger than the majority of racks you’d see on twitchingforgirls dot com.
Speaking of packages, she was immodestly presenting me an eyeful of her panties, like a stripper, as she remained floating in the air before me.
“-a peak at what Wonderland has to offer” she continued, now that she had my undivided attention. The whole thing was capped off with her lecherous grin.
Santa wasn’t going to visit this naughty pussycat. Meow. Cliched, I know.
“From this angle, I’d say it was more of a major spoiler than a peak. Now beat it, Cheshire. I’m hunting trouble and I definitely don’t need a guide for that” I said bluntly.
“Goodie! Sounds like a fun game, stranger! Cheshires just love to play games” she snickered.
“I play alone”
“Why would you want to do that? Nobody ever needs to masturbate alone in Wonderland, stranger” she chuckled insidiously.
“I wasn’t talking about masturbating, clits for brains!” I groaned at my miscalculated words.
“Call me, Niko. If I’m going to be your guide through Wonderland, I’d prefer you call me by my name, stranger”
“Okay Niko, I said I’m going alone. I don’t need a tour given by Barney’s pubic hair. So buzz off”
“Wanting to glaze your own depths? Intriguing”
‘Glaze’? ‘Depths’? Oh, hehe, I get it. How profoundly vulgar.
“You got that right. I’m leaving now. Got it?”
“Okay. I’ll be here” Niko said as she sat down in the air.
Huh? She wasn’t going to follow me? Wow, that was easier than I thought.
I wandered off away from the Niko. Strange that she would tell me her name and then just let me go, but who cares? I’m free. As I ventured my way down the hill we were on, I resigned to simply wander off aimlessly while keeping a close eye on my tracker. No less static than before but it was still working, at least. Sightseeing wasn’t on my list of priorities right now so I didn’t care where I ended up. I just traveled from one spot to another, hoping that my tracker would get some kind of a trace of that Skarlik. Even just for a second, so I could pinpoint him.
After about a half an hour of walking, I came to another hill. It was possible that I might get better reception up there so I hurried up.
At the top I found something… but it wasn’t on my tracker. The same fucking grinning face of Niko was waiting for me at the top.
“You said you’d wait back there and not follow me” I huffed at her.
“‘Back there’, hehehe” Niko mocked me. “You still don’t realize it”
“Realize what? That you couldn’t help but trail me from-” I started before it occurred to me. This place seemed awfully familiar. I could tell by the view of the landscape. But the nail that sealed the coffin was when I looked toward the edge of the hill. It was my own tracks leading down the opposite side of the hill I just came up.
I just went in a big ass circle, didn’t I? Motherfucker on a cracker jacker! But how the fuck did that happen? I kept traveling in the same relative direction. I didn’t reverse course.
Oh man. Welcome to fucking Wonderland.
“Damn! What have I ever done to you, Lady Luck!” I shouted out loud and buried my face into the ground.
“You must be the adventurous type” Niko chimed into my meltdown. “Most new visitors enjoy seeing the sights first. They don’t choose to hastily run off alone like that, unless they’re looking for some real excitement. It must be quite thrilling to wander off and get scooped up by any number of mamono. Then they can start makin’ bacon for the rest of their days, teehee. Sounds fun but without me to guide you, you’ll miss all of the best places in Wonderland”
You know, as untrustworthy as she is, she had a point. A lone adventurer blazing trails through Wonderland? I might as well have been a bleeding seal in shark-infested waters. And besides the bullseye on my chest if I traveled alone, I might need a “map” while I’m hunting Skarliks in Looneyville here.
Plus, I don’t want to waste any more time by repeating what just happened.
“Alright, Niko. What do you charge to guide around a moron with no better options?” I sighed.
“Yes! I knew you’d come around. We’re going to have so much fun together, stranger. Now let me show you all the wonderful things to do in Wonderland” she slyly mewed.
Marvelous. Now I have these kind of shitty innuendos to look forward to.
Before things went any further, I stopped her by grabbing her shoulders and made her look me in the face. “Listen up, Niko. Let’s get something straight between us” I asserted with an authoritative finger.
“I’d love to get something straight” Niko cooed lustfully while leaning toward me.
“Not like that! Now keep quiet and listen to me!” I demanded irritably.
“You’re so cute when you’re angry” she gleamed.
I groaned. “Look, no fucking tricks to get into my pants. I’m not in the mood for any kinky bullshit, so just stay clear of the ‘no flyer’ zone. Got it?”
She stared back at me like a curious child does at a magic trick. Her excitement didn’t fade as much as change course. “Doesn’t sound like very much fun to have to wait for all the good stuff but maybe you’re just the dominant type. With a dick as juicy as yours I’m not shocked. And the bigger the anticipation, the bigger the payoff. So okay, we’ll play your game… for now. I’ll be by your side whenever you’re ready”
Flattering? Sure, though I think any dick is the ‘biggest dick ever’ to a mamono. Actually, I may qualify as the ‘biggest dick ever’, at least from a certain point of view. Still, I’m not quite sure I like her cryptic words, but I’ll take foreplay over playing “hide the cat toy” with her.
“Very prudent of you” I said derisively.
“Prude? Where’s a prude? They’re so much fun to tease!” chortled Niko. She peeked around back of me.
“Skip it” I sighed. “Besides, I’d be wrong to think that you’ll just leave me alone, right?” I questioned her sarcastically.
“You’re right in that you’d be wrong” she said matter-of-factly, the delight on her face looked like a predator before dinner time. “Shall we proceed?”
Given my choices of following or skinning this cat, I thought ‘What the hell, I’ll follow her’ After all, what have I got to lose? I might actually find trouble faster with this chick.
Our first obstacle we came across was a big stream. Simple enough except that I didn’t see, or even expect to find, a boat rental service around here. And yes, I knew how to swim. But I wasn’t entirely sure what lied beneath the surface and I didn’t care to throw myself in the deep end on the matter.
“Motherfucker in a frat house” I sneered as I audibly displayed my apprehension at the first scenario in our campaign.
“Ooohhh” Niko sighed lustfully. “Getting some dirty thoughts are you?”
“Not really. Ever see ‘Jaws’?” I joked sarcastically.
“Sounds sexy. Can you show me?”
I think I rolled my eyes up to the back of my skull. “Sorry, grapehead. But I canned my Universal Plus subscription after they removed the ‘Back To the Future’ movies. In the meantime, how do we get across this big puddle?”
I wish I could float through the air like her.
“How about taking the plunge, stranger?”
“And put myself in a defenseless position? Who knows what kind of mad shit Wonderland has lurking under there? So no fucking way am I throwing my ass in there. You better think of another way to the other side”
There was probably a Mershark down there that’s off her rocker and eyeing me for a meal.
“Naturally, stranger” she grinned proudly. Gripping my hand in her incredibly soft paw, she disappeared with a poof and appeared on the other side of the stream. I didn’t. Moments later, she reappeared next to me, except a puzzled expression replacing her trademark grin. She tried it again. *Poof*. Same result. Next time she hugged my arm tight and tried poofing. Guess how that turned out.
Now she was really baffled. And I had the missing piece to this jigsaw puzzle. “I think I can help y-” I remarked before she grabbed both of my shoulders and poofed again. Again she then returned, now moving on to flustered.
“You don’t unders-” *poof*.
“I’m trying to tell yo- *poof*.
“Would you lis-” *poof*.
“Cut it out alr-” *poof*.
“You better stop th-” *poof*.
“Fucking listen!” I yelled while practically stomping my feet like a child. Embarrassing, sure, but at least I got her attention.
“Did you say ‘fuck’?” she asked as she poofed back, excitement beaming in her eyes.
“Give the damn Houdini routine a rest, will you?”
“Why won’t you go poof with me? Was it something I said?” Niko asked curiously.
“Look, I got this little handicap when it comes to that kind of magic shit, okay? So you can poof until you finally fizzle out, but I happen to be poof-proof. Comprende?” I asserted.
Niko stared blankly as she studied my face, particularly my eyes. She looked like a kid in deep thought when an adult describes something way above their head. Did my words not get through to her? Was I going to need to illustrate this to her? Perhaps some markers and paper grow on trees in Wonderland.
Suddenly, she pounced on me. We’re talking full frontal face-cushioned by her breasts with her arms clinging to my head and legs clinging to my waist; like a reverse piggy back. Well, that escalated quickly. Her little call to action had me stumbling backwards. She tried poofing me across yet again but only left me there to fall flat on my ass.
Before I could get back up, Niko poofed back, this time lying on top of me. She smiled and leaned in, dragging her tongue across my head several times. I did smell bad, so she was probably bathing me like a mother cat. Eww. She better not move on to the testicles.
After holding my taste in her mouth for several seconds, Niko swallowed. Then she rested herself on my chest and leaned her head against her paw. That dreamy smile now staring inches from my face. My expression wasn’t as dazzled as it was repulsed by her sloppy antics.
On the other hand, it was nice to have her lay on me.
“Bizarre. So, so sexy…” she mewed affectionately.
I could feel her saliva beginning to descend down my forehead so I started wiping it.
“Wipe it here-” Niko said as her tail reached toward me. Well, without another towel around, I might as well use it. To me, I was drying off my hand. But to her, I was stroking her tail like an owner does to a cat on their lap. And she was on more than just my lap, right? Either way, this cat liked it a lot. By the time I was done, she was purring really loud in my ear as her tail returned to eagerly wagging behind her.
“Honestly, I thought you would be peeved knowing that your tricks are worth less than a 3D television. Doesn’t that blindside your options for making whoopee with me?” I scoffed back as I tried to match her confidence with my witticism.
“Oh, it’s annoying that I can’t poof with you, stranger. Such fun we could have had together…” She walked her claws around my chest as a kid would do. “However, something so odd only stimulates me even more. It really is a crazy thing. You see, I knew you were sexy with that powerful aura you so nonchalantly boast, but this kind of oddity is just plain maddening, hehehe. It’s really hot. As the saying goes in Wonderland, ‘Curiouser and curiouser'”
How flattering. In truth I’m beginning to really despise this mana crap, or aura or spirit energy or fowl BO or however you want to classify it. I’m starting to think that it alerts all mamono in the area of where I am. Makes it tougher to lay low when you’ve got a beacon over your head. Not to mention it feels like all mamono can see me naked with X-ray goggles. Is that violating or invigorating? Based on my experiences in the mirror, I react with neither; I get disgusted.
“Forget the goddamn flirting because I’m curious too. Namely, how the fuck am I suppose to get across the Mississippi over there? I left my hovercraft in my other pants”
Her expression remained undeterred, save for the blush reddening into her face. “You definitely belong here with us in Wonderland…” she contemplated over me.
Isn’t it encouraging when an inmate opens their cell door to you?
She stood up, allowing me to do the same. “How about you go with flow? Whatever the flow may float, stranger”
Riddles? I hate riddles.
“Can’t you just tell me the answer?”
“That would be cheating. Such a devious thing to ask, stranger”
Brain-power was the last thing I thought I’d be using in Wonderland.
“That does it. Cut out the ‘stranger’ crap, kitten. You just shoved your tits into my face and you’re still calling me ‘stranger’. My name’s Jason. Get used to screaming it” I relented bitterly.
“Oh, I will… Jason” she lustfully concurred with a sinister glint in her eyes.
I groaned out loud. Just as feared, giving out your name in Wonderland was like giving out your name in a haunted Halloween attraction. It would only be used to antagonize you. Moron.
Nevertheless, maybe she meant those giant peddles floating in the water. Giant peddles? Sure, lots of phallic looking flowers were all over the place, so go figure.
Alright, I can do this. I played platformer video games as a kid, so how hard could it be? Much harder than looks in the games, as I found out first hand. It was especially difficult to keep my balance upon landing on a pedal but I pulled it off fairly well. I hopped my way from leaf to leaf across the river with Niko hovering next to me, applauding all the way. Give her a microphone and she could host a game show.
Finally reaching the other side, I bent over; exhausted. Where’s the flagpole for me jump on?
Since Wonderland’s shitty disregard for WiFi had caused the signal to weaken on my tracker, it occurred to me that my best chance to find the Skarliks was probably to find the center of Wonderland and hope that they were close enough to get a signal. Or I could just listen for gunfire and explosions and go from there but that’s plan B. For now, I wanted to find the center of this world. If only I had someone who knew their way around Wonderland… who wasn’t insane.
“Hey Holloway, can you take me to the center of Fucksville, here?” I asked Niko who I caught ogling my ass when I wasn’t looking.
“Center? Oh, you must mean the Queen of Hearts’ plaza. Good choice! It’s a favorite among us here in Wonderland. Absolutely I’ll take you there, Jason”
‘Fluffy’ here is too excited about that place for it to be a good thing. But I crossed my fingers and promised to sell my soul to Satan if he could guarantee that our journey would be a peaceful one.
Forty minutes later…
I want a refund on my soul, Satan.
“Dammit all!” I yelled as a branch smacked me in the face while bobbing and weaving through the foliage… with a Jubjub hot on my heels. Of course, ‘That Darn Cat’ would take a shortcut through the woods. I wish I could rip her a new one but she wasn’t here right now. Yeah, she conveniently disappeared when I wasn’t looking. Next thing I knew, this Jubjub is on my ass, proposing to me.
It was unavoidable that this kind of trouble was going to find me, one way or another. But that doesn’t mean that I was quite ready to handle it. Though I was filled with adrenaline, I still knew that I didn’t want to put a hole in her bird brain. True, I could have just knocked her out with some low-powered shots, but I didn’t want to waste any more of my fleeting ammo, especially on an airborne target. I want as much juice as possible when I find my real targets.
“Where are you going, husband? Come back! I promise I’ll be rough with you, okay!?” called the heat-crazed Jubjub.
She keeps squawking like that and I may just get rough with her. But come on, you chump. You can take down a horny, marbleless, feather-faced moron like her without having to turn into Rambo. Save your beast mode for the Skarliks and use your wits.
As I brainstormed an escape plan, I continued to duck and dodge through the colorful forest. The Jubjub had better dexterity in following me than I expected. If that’s anything to go off of, then she likely has better stamina than I do. I wouldn’t be able to keep my lead forever.
Speaking of which, I heard the perverted Harpy’s flapping getting closer. “Got you now!” she yelled behind me. Big mistake. Now that I knew she was right behind me, this was a good chance. I redirected toward a tree. At the last second, I ducked and skidded to a halt before reversing directions. As planned, the Jubjub was flying so full steam ahead that she sailed overhead and slammed head-first into the tree with a loud thud. She grunted and fell flat on her face; out cold. Works in cartoons and it worked here.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I glanced at the downed Jubjub with her ass up in the air. Not bad.
“Now there’s some wood in your face, pigeon toes. Go find another man to nest on” I gibed out loud. But my naughty peeping was cut off by the sound of more flapping.
“Did someone say ‘man’!?” I heard a high-pitched, ecstatic voice above me. Looking up, I saw six more Jubjubs emerging up in the tree that she’d crashed into. I guess that was a wakeup call for them. Would I be lucky enough that they wouldn’t notice me?
“A man!” they all shouted in unison as their eyes practically bulged into the shape of Valentine’s Day hearts. Funny, my heart shrank in response.
Of course I wouldn’t be that lucky. This marathon wasn’t over yet.
Continuing my brisk jog through the forest, and despite the grating and flirtatious chattering of the all too excited Jubjub flock pursuing me, I still resisted the urge to draw my guns and fire. Though I will say, I wasn’t entirely against the concept as long as it would shut them up. And one bit of good luck was that they didn’t use their numbers to outflank me. Too dim witted to use any kind of tactics.
Before long, I felt my stamina tank closing in on empty. That was probably why I didn’t see the slope until it was too late, causing me to drop and roll my ass all the way down. Catching brief glimpses of what laid at the bottom, I think I saw… flowers?
At least it didn’t require any stamina to go down; only bumps and bruises. Fair enough, I’ll make the trade.
Once I reached the bottom, I landed on a big purple mushroom. I thought it would bring me to a stop, but no, it bounced me high into the air like I was fired out of a cannon.
“Mother of fuckers!” I screamed loud enough so all of Wonderland could hear me. They probably loved my choice of profanity. Words like that must be like a PSA around here. As I arced across the sky, I got a good look at where I was before I landed…
*BAM* I landed with a grunt.
Yep, they were flowers alright. Big ones too. Almost as big as a lighthouse. And I just landed on the sepal of one. Luckily, it was soft enough to act like an air mattress. Good, it saved my brains from splattering like a watermelon. Quite a refreshing surprise, especially after my game of crash test dummies back in Karvale’s cave.
Bad idea to sit out in the open. This whole thing had already gotten out of hand, so maybe there was an easy way out. Being that it was a giant flower, I slid in-between the folded petals and hid inside the alcove they formed. Just as I had hoped, the flock lost track of me during my cannon flight. I could hear the Jubjubs’ boisterous jabbering outside as they searched for me. Let’s just sit here quietly and wait until this blew over.
Smelled nice in here, at least.
While I caught my breath, the flower’s petals closed completely, cutting off my exit. The fuck? Have I just been eaten? Then the walls of the pedals began to illuminate with a golden glow. I looked down and realized that I was standing ankle deep in something sticky. I dipped my finger in it found that it was some kind of a brownish syrup.
Just then, I heard something shift behind me.
“Looks like someone finally took my bait. It’s okay little one; you can have as much of my lovely nectar as you want” a sultry voice spoke.
Can’t I catch a break?
Sitting there was a green skinned, peddle-covered girl whose only modesty was some leaves, seeds, and vines. Her hair shined with a luscious emerald green, identical to her eyes. Some fancy roses sprouted from her wrists with a big rose on the side of her head. Do I even need to say that she was sexy?
An Alraune, no doubt. So that’s what that sweet smell drowning my nose was. Though I didn’t expect to find one of her kind in Wonderland. She was probably mad like the rest of them. After all, once you go cuckoo…
“Shhh, pretend I’m not here. If those Jubjubs knock, tell them I never existed in the first place” I sneered in response. I was thirsty, but not that thirsty. Her nectar was seeping into my boots. And I found it much harder to move my feet around in the sticky shit than expected.
Ignoring my derision, the Alraune’s vines crept over and wrapped around my arms and ankles before I could put up a protest. She yanked me over and held me spread eagle style. I felt like the Vitruvian human diagram. Half of me did at least. Now eye to eye, she felt her hands all around me like a toy.
“Oh, I don’t wish for you to leave. I have so much nectar! There’s no way I can possibly finish all of it on my own!” she said obnoxiously. She wasn’t kidding either. In fact, I think the amount of sweet sauce had increased since she seized me.
“What do I look like? A bumble bee looking for some oral? You’ve been drinking too much of your own damn Kool Aid. I’m just here to hide, so shut the fuck up and let me go” I scolded in an intensely aggravated whisper. My ability to escape from my restraints was lacking. “I didn’t come in here for- Hey, hey! What the-” I blurted louder than I should have as she tried prying off my armored swimsuit area.
“Oh you will. You will…” she cooed softly while playfully tugging at the buckle part. Once the tugging got harder, she quickly grew frustrated. “Dammit, how do you unbuckle this? You want me to pleasure you and I want you to feed me”
New twist on the plant from “Little Shop of Horrors”. But her voice was getting even louder.
“Just let my arms go and I’ll show you” I said opportunistically which she was so erotically eager to oblige. Predictably, she took my bait. Once released, I grabbed her by the head and yanked her toward me, eliciting a squeak from her. “If you’re going to go all wood-crazed Poison Ivy I’m me, at least do it quietly. Or I’ll rip your ass up and sell you as garden seeds” I scolded her with a stern face.
Tenderly, she wrapped her arms around my back and stared at me through half-lidded eyes. “Oh yes! Please seed me! I’m very fertile!” she shouted in ecstasy.
Here was the ovary of the flower wanting me to fill the second ovary. She must have been watered with an aphrodisiac. But damn that was loud. I had to hold back some frustrated profanity.
“Here. Suck on this” I whispered as I silenced her moans by plugging my finger into her mouth. Sounded harsh but she loved it. I felt her tongue caressing my finger as her lips slid on and off.
“Hey, I think I heard something in here” I heard one of the Jubjubs outside. Thanks to this boy-crazy bouquet, the Jubjubs were closing in on me.
“Lovely. I like dirty talk” she lulled.
Quickly I gripped her mouth to keep her quiet, hoping that the Jubjubs would pass by. My hand also stopped her from kissing me when she leaned in. Two birds with one stone.
Silence. Did it work?
“Yes! I can smell him! He’s in there!” one of them yelled outside.
See? There it is again. My mana was even stronger than the Alraune’s flower.
“You happy now? My cover’s been blown, you sap-happy fertilizer” I angrily spat at the Alraune.
“You’re the fertilizer” she murmured and glanced down.
Boy, I really got to watch what I say.
It didn’t take the “chicks” long to pry open the entrance to the flower. One of them popped her head inside before the opening was big enough to fit through. “Hey there handsome! You shouldn’t have run like that. We’ve got so much to do” she cheerfully howled as she squeezed her way in and slammed into both of us. I braced myself, though the Jubjub was so soft and supple that it felt more like a light mattress slamming into me. A barely dressed, jiggly mattress.
“How many kids do you want? I want ten! Let’s get started right away!”
Kill me now.
Like the Alraune, who apparently wasn’t against a ménage a trois, the Jubjub snuggled her goods against me from the back. I’d heard about how excessively soft a Jubjub’s body was and it didn’t disappoint. Her feathers were delightful as they embraced me. Wish I could afford to enjoy it, but there was no Ushi Oni to save me this time.
“Go sit on-” I said before a second mattress collided with the side of my face, engulfing my head in pink feathers.
Yeah, yeah. Another pair of dirty pillows. Getting all too familiar.
Nevertheless, boner uprising.
“You’re going to like living in Wonderland, husband!” the second mattress said in a chippy voice.
Before long, more and more noisy Jubjubs came crashing into our ever-expanding ball of flesh and feathers. When you’re stuck inside a nest of feathers while also inside a big flower, one tends to develop some claustrophobia. As my world was further mashed under the arousingly soft assailants, I got to figuring that maybe the structural integrity of this Alraune’s flower might not be…
Oh damn. Things were about to get sticky.
I may have been trapped in a booby trap, but I sure as shit heard a cracking sound and then felt like we were falling. Then, a resounding impact rattled my brain even through the Jubjub cocoon. We all spilled out of the flower and back into the sunlight.
Our little group hug had broken the flower clean off the stem.
I looked up to quite a messy scene. Nectar. It was everywhere. The overturned plant had shattered into pieces, splattering it’s sticky payload like a giant water balloon. Slowly, I realized that the moistness creeping onto my skin was the nectar. It was covering me. There were also several pink feathers stuck all over my body. I probably looked like a toucan birdie piece of flamingo shit.
Luckily, I found that I hadn’t landed in a big puddle of nectar. I laid on top of a big peddle, shielding me from the sweet golden marsh. Too much of that stuff was harder to step through than a shit covered mud-bath. A rare moment of luck for me.
The Jubjubs didn’t fair so well. All six Jubjubs were either more messy than I was or they had landed in a puddle of nectar. Either way, their wings were absolutely covered with the syrup-like shit, which rendered them useless. The Alraune laid dazed nearby, but her kind wasn’t designed to chase a man, so who cares.
If my spider-sense was working right, this could only be a good thing.
My brain was more rattled than injured by the crash, unlike last time this kind of thing happened to me back at Tifa’s hotel. But just like last time, I had to make a getaway while I had the chance. Often the most creative times are during chaos. I proved this by placing down pieces of the flower to create an exit path over the nectar. The Alraune’s flower was resistant to the nectar so my boots didn’t stick to the pedals.
Once I crossed my ‘bridge’ I made a break for it. The partially recovered Jubjubs attempted to follow me but were so coated in sloppy sweets that they couldn’t fly even an inch off the ground. This chase was effectively over.
“No fair! We haven’t even seen your dick yet!” one of the girls yelled after me.
“I got you sticky, didn’t I? So stop bitching and eat my ass!” I cheekily yelled back while trudging off.
After I put some distance between me and them, I stopped to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. With my sticky boots, running was more laboreous than usual. At least I lost them.
I didn’t even need to see her to recognize that poofing sound.
“You got the punctuality of Hollywood military, flea-bag. While you off cat-napping, I almost turned myself diabetic” I sneered in between breaths.
Then, I felt a light weight gently lay itself on my back as I was bent over. “Naughty, naughty, Jason. Wandering off like that and getting into fun without me. Even the tour guide likes to join in” Niko murmured into my ear. Grasping my shoulders with her paws and resting her chin on my head, she held on to me as I stood up. I was annoyed by the evident mischief in her voice.
She snickered behind me. *Poof*
Now we were face to face.
“My, aren’t you sticky? And now you got me sticky, too. Shall I clean us both up or would you like to help me, Jason?” she mewed while dancing her tongue around her claws, scooping up some nectar. I could see the sap-like crap from my back had clung to her front. It was splattered all over her not-so-modest attire and lovely thighs. And don’t even get me started on how it slowly dripped into her cleavage.
“No thanks, but I’d better get washed up. I haven’t had this much syrup on me since I got into a fight at IHOP. If you need me, I’ll be cleaning up down by the river” I said as I walked down the hill to the water’s edge. She’ll probably follow just to push me in.
“Dammit” I cursed as a branch had clung to me when I walked through it. God, this stuff was strong. What does it do to your stomach? It better wash off. Even if the water was ice cold, I wouldn’t care. I hated being sticky. Once I reached the waters edge, I dipped my hands in to find that the water was pretty warm. That’s one way to prevent shrinkage in Wonderland. However, I hadn’t even gotten my face soaked before something splashed into the water right in front of me, dousing the rest of me in a blast of warm liquid.
Yep, it was Niko all right; playfully rolling around in the shallow water and rinsing herself off while sprawling out like a cat on it’s back. She shot me that sensually playful grin as she noticed me watching her. Why wouldn’t I? It was fun to watch the little minx.
“Gee I didn’t know you could swim, fuzz-butt” I said sarcastically.
“Hurry, we’re wasting time! There are some many more things on the tour for you to thrust yourself into!” Niko was gleefully yelling fifteen feet behind me while bouncing up and down giddily. She really loved her job.
I sighed to myself as I couldn’t help but admire her zeal. Fuck it. Speeding things up, I pushed myself into the water.
When in Rome…
Here’s a joke. A fool and a Cheshire Cat walk into a giant egg with a Humpty straddling a guy who’s passed out and naked. The Cheshire Cat tries to help the Humpty resuscitate Sleeping Beauty while the fool wonders how in the name of Jupiter’s balls they got to this point.
If you’re expecting a punch line… well that is the punch line.
So how the Hell did we get here? Oh yeah, Niko here claimed to not know the way to the plaza. That smile on her face said otherwise. Regardless, the feline decided to ask for directions. Yeah, my fucking guide needed directions. I wanted to wait outside so I could pout and berate her but she insisted that I follow her inside. Remembering what happened the last time I left her sight, I decided to be a gentleman.
So here I am, inside an SUV-sized egg… still pouting and berating her in silence. Like I said, a gentleman.
Did I mention that I was standing ankle deep in egg yolk? Now I just need to stamp out the PTSD from my mind and not turn my back on anyone this time.
“When will he wake up? I’m starting to get worried. All we had were three orgasms before he passed out” the Humpty desperately pleaded with Niko.
“Now don’t you worry. This usually happens to new travelers in Wonderland. He just needs to be broken in. Before you know it, we’ll have him ready to stand up all night” Niko cheerfully assured as her tail twitched excitedly.
‘Stand up’. Ha ha, Niko.
Niko joined the Humpty by straddling his chest. Then, she tucked her tail under the poor bastard and, from what I could tell, right up his ass… probing for the ‘on’ switch. She gleefully bounced on his chest and encouraged the Humpty to pump her hips into his when she gave the signal. CPR and a gangbang; together at last. At least this way he’d be ready to go once he woke up with his morning wood.
“Hmmm”. Niko leaned forward and rested herself on the guy’s face. “Do have any suggestions, Jason?” she mused, with a provocative expression.
What the fuck do you say in times like this? ‘Serenity now’? I’m betting that she was just trying to find some “kinks” in me. Yes, those kind of “kinks”
“Where I come from, we pump guys full of coffee when they’re hungover” I said with a mocking smirk. I figured this dude was a different kind of ‘hungover’, right? At least the most important part of him was. “But I guess tea will do”
“We’ve got lots of that here, Jason. Anything else?” Niko snickered in response. Ah-ha, it seems that she got my ‘hungover’ joke.
She wants more? Okay then. I just assume have some fun with her.
“Shit, why don’t you hook up his nipples to a car battery and juice him up? How about we grill him over an Ignis fire and see what happens? Or let’s just all scoot closer to limit his air supply so he won’t recover. How about that?” I joked, allowing my sarcasm to play along with the lunacy of the situation.
Both Niko and the Humpty intensified their ministrations and gawked at me. Their expressions tightened and their breathless voices peaked as they began to shiver in place.
People don’t drool when they’re scared. Nor do they make lewdly wet sounds from their nethers… even if they tried.
“Is he…?” the Humpty wheezed shakily.
“I’m working on him” Niko stared with an evil glow in her otherwise pretty eyes. She was definitely dreaming of all kinds of immoral stuff she planned to do to me. Better tighten up my asshole if she’s ever around back of me.
So both of them came; big deal. It couldn’t have been that difficult given their situation. That that empty tank of a guy they were sitting on was the administrator; I was just the hotline.
“I’m not the one who needs a tune-up; that bag of yogurt underneath you does. Now rock that limp biscuit back to reality so we can get the hell out of here”
Niko’s face went wild. No, it wasn’t another orgasm. “Splendid idea, Jason!” she wailed as she got up.
“What?” I stupidly questioned my supposed brilliance.
“You’re so clever”
I didn’t know what exactly I had said, but I still regretted it. I felt like I had egg on my face; little did I know the ironic foreshadow.
Before I could get another word in, Niko started rapidly poofing from one side of the egg to the other and leaning. This of course caused it to start rocking and rolling violently. I didn’t realize this soon enough. Before I could stop her or abandon ship, the ride began and I sent flying into the egg batter.
No seatbelt either…
Nice, Jason. Great choice of words for a bimbo who had left Reasonburg long ago. But I guess the joke, or rather ‘yolk’ was on me. Like a famous man once said, “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on”
We hadn’t come to a stop for a while so we must have begun rolling down a hill or something. I caught glimpses of the world outside spinning madly through the egg’s opening. It felt like I was riding Disney’s Tumble Ball Mountain back on Earth again. Add in a sprained neck and an appointment with a chiropractor, and it would have been a typical day at Disney Universe.
In-between my cussing and rolling uncontrollably into and out of the maelstrom of egg yolk, I could hear Niko laughing enthusiastically. I may have seen the Humpty smiling as well. In fact, I think she was somehow still straddling the guy through the chaos. Till death do they part. Hell, he might have actually been dead by now. Lucky bastard.
By careful precision or by sheer dumb luck, I managed to throw myself out of the egg’s opening and tumble to a stop. The egg carried on without me. As I wiped the yolk from my eyes on the ground, I looked up to find another pair of eyes staring back at me; two steely amber eyes and lots of pink hair.
In an instant, I flipped myself over and got a good look at the stranger. Big wings, large horns, and two maroon tentacles with drooling mouths on the ends? A fanged mouth with a tongue hanging around the crook of her neck? Fierce red claws, maroon scales, and stockings with a barely-fitting dress-like attire, giving me a great view of both her cleavage and her tiny undergarments?
Mama fucking mia. Another mamono. A Jabberwock… a dragon. This calls for some real PTSD.
“Oh no. No, no, no, no!” I stuttered as I got to my feet. “I’m awake, see? I’m awake this time, so back off! This armor belongs to me, and you’re not gonna drool over it. And no way am I going through that horse hockey again, Spyro! You try taking it and you’re gonna use those three mouths of yours to kiss my fucking asshole three times over, you slobbering, buck-tooth, cock-licking piece of lizard shit!” I snarled, throwing caution to the wind.
I also held my finger on the trigger, just in case she tried to turn my head into a Rubik’s Cube.
No answer. Her expression remained undeterred as she closed in, almost pressing her large tits into my face. Yep, this purple dragon was as tall as Karvale with nearly as muscular of a body but still just as sexy. She was gorgeous, possessing more glamour than Karvale did. Obviously spending more time in front of the looking glass.
This babe was stoic, not at all like the intensity I’d seen in Karvale. There was no sign of rage in her piercing peepers. Just very stern and serious with a bordering-on-annoyed frown. Her eyes fluttered a few times like a curious child, before slitting them at me like an accusing parent. She even took a few light, experimental sniffs through her nose. In fact, she seemed to be checking me out. I felt my stand-off expression starting to crack, but maybe my brains were just scrambled. I’d have to smack her around before she got aroused. Isn’t that how Dragons work?
“Well, say something, will you? At least let me know if you’ve got Christopher Lee’s voice” I asked, trying to get a reaction out of her. Hey, the Jabberwock had his voice in that stupid movie. It would make as much sense as anything else here.
While I continued to stare up at her defiantly, she quickly reached out and grabbed my head. My fear was that she would gouge my eyeballs out with those big red claws. Instead, she jerked me forward and tightly embraced my head into her cushiony bosom. Remember that tongue-tied bowtie she wore? Well, I got a great look at it as it lapped my face while her two tentacles sloppily licked the sides of my head, fully drenching me in saliva. Their rough tongues sent jitters down my spine.
They even gave me a double wet willy.
This is a new one. Nobody’s ever tried to drown me while I was standing up before. And boy, she was strong; I couldn’t get away. However in contrast to her strength, her breasts were as delightful as could be.
After several seconds of struggling, muffled vulgarity, and outside the mouth ‘French kissing’, she released me.
“Geez! You fucking slop-artist! First Niko and now you!” I complained as I backed up and wiped the drool off my face. She still held the same stern expression except for a slight blush shading her face.
“Hmmph” she pompously scoffed. Nope, no Christopher Lee voice. “You speak quite lewdly and you taste even more appealing, even with the taste of egg upon you. Impressive. Yes, you possess great potential for bringing me pleasure. You may yet be worthy of my time. However, if you desire a tryst with someone as nubile as me, you best lose those restrictive garments. They’re quite licentious. Until then, good day. There is a Humpty who needs my assistance”
Eloquent, isn’t she? Unlike her attire.
As she stomped off, I was left as clueless as a Kardashian at an IQ test. Fancy that; my acid tongue nearly got me laid.
“Wow! You’ve even managed to charm a Jabberwock. She was really into you. Would like to get more into her?” Niko grinned at me.
Boy, this dirty cat needs a cold bath, big time.
“Wonderland can even drive a Dragon crazy, huh?” I sighed. I had to spit some lingering saliva from my mouth.
“Aren’t they crazy already?”
“Ha, good point. Stuck-up egomaniacs, to be exact” I chuckled. “So where’s that drool school off to?”
“That poor Humpty’s husband needed a real kick. And I figured that a Jabberwock’s pink breath would surely wake him up. So I requested her assistance. Hehe, I wish I could see how huge his boner will be once he wakes up”
“The fuck? How did you even call her? You didn’t even meet with- You know what? Nevermind. I’m helpless to try and figure any of this out. Besides, I’ll go mad like you if I think about it too much”
“Yes! Now you’re starting to get it. No sense is good sense” Niko playfully snickered.
“Makes sense” I scoffed back. “Like how a Black Harpy is like a writing desk. Now if you don’t mind, I got to go clean my ass up by the lake… again”. I walked off but stopped when something occurred to me. “How come you don’t have any yolk on you?” I asked. Niko started laughing again, but right before she answered, I cut her off. “‘No sense’. Right, right”
Demoralizing, wasn’t it?
“And what happened then?” Niko asked, hanging on my every word like a kid during a bedtime story.
“A pig bursts out of a drum and says ‘Th-th-th-that’s all, folks’ before they fade to black” I said flamboyantly as I recollected some Looney Tunes cartoons for Niko. My Porky Pig impression was shit but I did a decent Bugs Bunny, not that she could tell. Besides, I had Looney Tunes on my mind recently. I wonder why?
“Sounds like a big finish” Niko chuckled wickedly. More innuendos; ho-hum.
Now you have an idea what is was like as we walked along, prattling away. Niko was spirited to say the least. Upbeat and enthusiastic, but equally as profane and crude; deceptively so. She loved luring me in with her child-like mannerisms only to sucker punch me with her obscenely amorous banter. It never ceased to amaze me. Ordinarily, I’d say looks are deceiving, but who am I kidding? She flaunted her sultry wardrobe every chance she got, so it shouldn’t have surprised me but somehow it did. And she made sure to use her levitating ability to give me all kinds of arousing angles to admire her from. She even used it to check me out from several angles.
While I was constantly distracted by Niko as we traveled along, the scenery around us seemed to change without me even noticing it. One minute we’re in a rainbowed colored forest, the next we’re passing through a rocky road with a set of giant stone breasts. I think it was a fort of sorts because of the barred windows in place of the nipples.
“Now where the Hell are we? The adult district in Bedrock?”
Niko looked at me like a parent would if their kid was valedictorian.
“There, you see what happens when you let go of your senses? What other crazy things does that wild imagination of yours tell you?”
“It’s telling me that the Queen of Hearts should invest in a GPS satellite because in case you haven’t noticed, we’re come to a crossroads” I mentioned dryly. Three paths would have been annoying enough, but six? Tattoo me with a soldering iron.
“Teehee. Oh fabulous day! Callooh callay! This way or that way? What path do you say?” she gaily pondered with her tail alternatively pointing between the different paths.
If she was the guide, then why was I choosing the path?
“As long as it leads to the plaza, any path is okay”. Shit, that rhymed with her sentence. Now she’s got me doing it!
Niko’s tail anxiously twitched at my slip up. “You just can’t resist the wonderful lure, can you?” she teased with an evil little grin.
“Someone clearly didn’t listen to their mom. You wear that goofy grin long enough, it’ll freeze that way, Barbie. Ever consider turning that smile upside-down?”
“Hmmm, nope! As long as things keep coming up, nothing is ever boring in Wonderland”
“There’s the answer” I sighed to myself.
“Maybe you’re the one who should turn that frown upside down. Don’t you realize how sexy of a smile you have?”
“Ah-ha! Jokes on you! You couldn’t possibly know that because I haven’t smiled since I got here”
“Oh, I can still tell. And I can’t wait to finally see it. The suspense is really distracting me from my other duties, you big tease” Niko said unabashedly as she hugged my arm.
I’m the tease!?
“A feline fluffball with duties? Sounds like bullshit to me. Besides grooming your ass and some cat-nap marathons, what possible duties could you have from day to day?” I mocked as I blocked out the pleasant feeling of her soft breasts on my bicep.
“Just some of that, some of this. Lending a paw to those in need. Like those two making love over there” she pointed.
I looked over to see a Mucus Toad and some schmuck sleeping peacefully in each others arms under a tree. Confused, I turned back to Niko. “I don’t see any-” but she was gone. It was easy to guess that she had poofed over to the dozy duo. Sure enough, she was floating above and shaking some pink spores from a purple mushroom onto the two of them. Her gaze was still fixed on me. A frisky smile along with a playful twerk of her eyebrows emphasized her raunchy thoughts.
Warning; things were about to get X-rated.
The two lovers’ suddenly popped awake. Now gleaming with lust, they looked ready to devour each other. And either a squirrel was looking for some nuts in the guy’s trousers or that mushroom made him quite overjoyed to see his slimy partner. With that, they sprang into action and tied each other into knots.
Must be like the mushrooms in Super Mario Brothers; they make you grow larger.
I didn’t get a chance to shamelessly laugh at my dumb internal joke as something rammed me from behind. Then my world went dark.
“I’m sorry, sweetie! I’m so sorry that I’m so very late! Quickly! Take your pants off. We have to get started right away!” an erratic but strangely soothing voice implored as a fuzzy weight held me down from behind. I hadn’t been knocked out, but my world was still dark.
“What are you talki- Get off of me!” I growled in return. As I furiously rolled away, I realized that an object had gotten tangled on top of my head, obscuring my vision. Once on my feet, I yanked the object off to find that it was a basket… that must have been holding the carrots now scattered at my feet.
My assailant was a cute, furry little mamono called a Wererabbit. Her blue shawl was draped over her brassiere which was made out of the same bunny fur on her legs, bunny feet, ears, and cottonball tail. The cuffs on her wrists were absolutely pointless on her bare arms. Complete with the standard issue feminine top half. Reminded me of that Cadbury Eggs bunny. No, not that one; the Caramel Eggs one.
“Oh… you’re not my sweet, mate. I’m sorry, who are you?” she asked unsurely once she saw my face.
“The wrong carrot to chew on, Judy”
“My apologies. You smelled as sexy as he does”
I took a quick whiff of myself. Does that dude also smell like a sock full of sauerkraut?
“You always play football with your boy toy?”
I’m going to assume she means some kind of sex game by that, but regardless, she had a mean tackle.
“Yeah well, just the same, I’m not planting any carrots in your fuzzy carrot patch”
“How come I have never seen you around here before?”
“This hunk of cream is new to Wonderland” came Niko’s voice to my side. Good rescue. “He just needs some time to settle in and lose his mind”
Now that’s what I call accommodating.
The Wererabbit stared whimsically at me without answering back.
“Where’s your husband anyway?” Niko questioned, unconvincingly innocent in her tone. The banana grin gave it away.
“Oh my whiskers! Don’t you know how late it is!? I’m late!” she yelped as she hysterically shook her oversized pocket-watch. Quickly, she gathered her carrots and took off. “I’m late! I’m late! For my very important mate! No time to say ‘Hello’, ‘Goodbye’. I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!”
“Don’t forget to use the move we rehearsed!” Niko called after her. That’s some job Niko has, huh? “Now then, my work here is done. So we can go now, Jason”
I glanced back at the two love birds who were, well… going at it in a position that I didn’t even know could be done. If you squint, they could pass for a knotted up octopus.
“Wonderful, isn’t it?” I heard Niko purr.
“Quite an opportunistic voyeur, aren’t you?” I sneered back. Truthfully, I chuckled inside.
She let out a naughty little chuckle before continuing, “Now let’s see…”
I looked back to find Niko’s nice ass floating right in front of my face. No, I didn’t believe it was accidental. What a saucy little furball.
“Just get me to that damn plaza already, will you?” I hissed. “Or did that Humpty have too much yolk on the brain to give you proper directions?”
“Uhm, this way is best” she said passively as her tail wrapped around my neck and guided me into following her round, bubbly ass forward. She smelled kind of like candy. What a treat that must be.
The ‘best’ way sounds good in theory, but then I remembered where I was and who she was. Around these parts, the ‘best’ route usually goes… South; and I’m not talking about a compass, ladies and gents.
Later… yet again.
Apparently, I’ve stumbled into a forest of a different kind; wooden doors. Everywhere I looked, doors, doors, and more fucking doors.
I don’t remember how we got here or if I lost any luggage on the way, but Niko and I have been getting no place in this fortress for over an hour now. No matter where we went, three things were consistent; doors, stairs, and headaches. Doors only led to more doors, stairs led up and down to doors, and so on and so forth. We could have been passing over the same spots more than once, but God if I knew.
Sometimes we’d come to open hallways or long corridors filled with all types of mamano porno art. Then other times it’d be a ballroom full of endless stairs going upwards, downwards, sideways, longways, and shortways… with more hardcore porno artwork to admire from just as many angles. Reminded me of Escher’s lithograph painting, “Relativity”. Except here, it should be titled “Mind-fucked”
It started to wear on mind mind really quickly.
And of course, Niko was always taking pleasure in my verbal cocktail of frustration, confusion, and anger as I tried to sort out all this folly. Though, Niko’s chipper albeit raunchy commentary through the “artistic” labyrinth left no room for things to turn too dull. She’s fun to talk to, I’ll give her that.
“Motherfucker!” I shouted as I slammed a door behind me. Fifth straight time I opened a door only to find another door less than five feet in front of me, putting us in a room no bigger than a broom closet. As fun as Niko was, now I was really starting to lose my patience.
“You like slamming doors, don’t you?” Niko lustfully purred. “I could pretend to be a door, then you could slam me all night long, Jason”
My crappy jokes are starting to rub off on her.
“Hmmph, I bet you’re as easy to penetrate as a cheap screen door. But frankly you’re off your damn hinges, Whiskers.” I huffed at Niko’s mirth.
“Why, thank you, cutie”
“It wasn’t a… oh what’s the use?” I said defeated by her delight. “How much further to the plaza?”
“We are in the plaza”
“…I’m sorry, what?”
“Indeed, we’ve been at the plaza for a while now”
“Does this place look like a plaza to you? Looks like Deviant Art, only more perverted” I sneered.
“Of course it doesn’t look like the plaza. That’d just be silly”
There’s that sneaky smile again. I smell horseshit.
“Look, I’m warning you, if I don’t see a plaza in exactly one minute-”
“If you insist” said Niko as she proceeded to press in a brick on the wall. Immediately, the floor beneath us gave way and we dropped.
The shock had my stomach hop into my throat before we landed on a slide of sorts and began our descent. Enough twists and turns to make me wish I had multiple barf bags. With me being up front and Niko behind me during the ride, she draped her furry arms over my shoulders and down my chest like a toboggan partner. Resting her head on my shoulder, she laughed maniacally with gleeful shouts of “Wee”. I may have let my usual profanities fly, but hey, at least one of us was enjoying it. Not knowing what was waiting for us at the bottom had me worried. I just assumed the shark from ‘Jaws’ was waiting at the bottom for me to slide into it’s mouth like poor Quint did.
After descending for some time, and likely burning my pants clean off my ass, we were finally greeted by sunlight and an abrupt stop right into a pile of large bubbles. I almost preferred a shark. Some were the typical round bubbles while others were strangely, and impossibly, shaped like… sausages? Oh, of course. Put two round bubbles and a sausage bubble together and what do you get?
I’m in Wonderland; just embrace the perversion.
“That was easy enough. You should have pressed that button sooner” I grumbled bitterly as I exited the bubble bath, spitting them from my mouth.
“I didn’t want to end your fun. You seemed to be having such a good time educating yourself in our Palace of Passions, so I thought I’d let you enjoy yourself. I dream of one day having my passion get documented for the ages. Don’t you?” questioned Niko, full of enthusiasm.
Back on Earth, only two kinds of people ‘document’ someone’s passions; blackmailers and porn directors. Now, capturing the image of a ‘rocket exploring a black hole’ is considered the classiest of acts. Holy shit, how long did the dudes have to hold out in those positions until the artist was done?
God forbid they invent internet here. Hell, with all the stripper streaming, anime, grifters, and all around general perversion of the internet, just imagine it in mamono’s hands. Pornhub would eclipse even Google.
“Listen Bubbles, I told you to bring me to the center plaza. Not on some bullshit detour away from the plaza” I growled irritably.
“Whatever do you mean? Look around you; we are in the Queen’s Plaza. We have been since we entered the Palace. You didn’t say you wanted to be outside” she cheekily mocked me with her self aware deceit. She mischievously flicked some bubbles at me with her foot.
I’ll be damned, she was right. That art gallery we slid out from was just one building among many in a big plaza. So, technically, we were in the plaza all along. It was just more of her fucking antics to break me. All the worse was that she got the satisfaction of seeing my dumbfounded face as I glanced around.
“And you finally decided to get me out of there because…”
“You asked”. Her grin was really starting to piss me off.
“Okay. So all I have to say is ‘There’s no place like home’ and I can get the Hell out of this place? Wait, that wouldn’t work. That’s the wrong looney land” I muttered under my breath.
“Go ahead. Nobody’s going to complain if you babble things like that” commented Niko.
“Shut up, Glenda” I chided back.
I may just end up strangling this pussy cat by the end of the day.
Finally getting the last bit of bubbles out of my hair, I took in my surroundings. Oh, what fresh Hell is this? Looked like an architecture firm had a bat-shit, drugged out office party and forgot to sober up before punching in the next day. A long round plaza with a fountain in the center; that was the basic jist of it. The structures or buildings or whatever they were surrounding the fountain lacked any sign of sense. It was reminiscent of the town from “Babes in Toyland”, only with more insanity. You’d have stone fortresses one minute, then right next to them was a curved wooden cabin of sorts followed by a giant tent that must have been stolen from the fair. I didn’t know you could combine a windmill with a circus tent. Regardless, none of these randomized establishments seemed to bother the residents from mingling around.
In addition to all the dumbed-down castles, arch ways, tents, huts, cabins, etc., there were lots of random beds and other furniture lying about. Must be to accommodate the sporadic sex sessions.
The colors were just as hectic as ever. The sharp shades blinded me as the sunlight only amplified their intensity, just like the madness of it all. The last time I’d seen a pink castle was in my sister’s room when we were kids. Does She-Ra live in there?
As usual, nothing had any consistency, with the exception of the lewdly suggestive shapes. Tits n’ ass n’ dicks were everywhere, especially dicks. Like if H. R. Giger designed the banned poster for ‘The Little Mermaid’; you know, the one with the penis that we all snickered at when we were kids. Hell, I still snickered at the sight of these. But you’d have to be mad to find all this turpitude arousing. And that’s the name of the game.
The one thing that had any artistic cohesion to it was in the fountain. The statues looked to be carved out of pure red stone. It depicted a scene of various Greek-dressed dudes, as in not dressed at all, with mamono “assisting” them in spraying their cu- ahhhh, fountain water from their… male fire hoses.
At the top of all this absurdity was another depiction of a child-like figure riding another stud. She held a big fuck-off staff and a huge crown that made her head look bigger than it was. Both items were capped off with big fancy heart decorations; not unlike the other hearts scattered about the politically incorrect structure, just in case the clues weren’t on the head enough.
From the descriptions I’d heard, as well as the spectacle before me, that was the Queen of Hearts alright; in all her royally wistful indecency. The little slut.
What a monument.
“Admiring our inspiring statue of Wonderland’s creator?” remarked Niko as she effortlessly rolled into my field of view while levitating.
Her playful yet seductive nature always seem to pit my amusement and irritation against each other. Made it hard for me to decide how to respond half the time.
“What statue?” I blew her off and turned away. Why not just play it cool?
Some advertisement, huh? But damn, I haven’t even started talking about what this plaza had to offer.
We visited the various attractions the plaza had to offer. Yeah, besides some incidental fornicators doing the “bunny tango”, they had actual attractions. Although, they weren’t much less adult-themed. A ticket vendor was granting admission to a haze-covered orgy the size of a community day. At least it was just outside the plaza because I definitely knew what that haze was. Inside the plaza was either a yoga class or an instructor and her “assistant” demonstrating some homemade remedies for a dull sex life. If that didn’t work for you, then there was the toy shop. Just think of an nymphomaniac’s arts and crafts festival where everything must go… or rather “come” in this case. Clothing, love potions, role-playing gear, beds, a book of ‘dirty talk’, and much more. If you could add a kink to it, then it was here.
There was even a sale. The sign read, “Love Potions: Two for Ten Queen Coins or Three for Twenty-Five Queen Coins”
‘…A rare bargain’, I thought sarcastically.
Niko dragged me into one of the shops but I refused to go into the… “testing” area; where both single and married mamono got to try out their purchases. Yet another orgy, big surprise. This place could use an air freshener.
Niko’s love for all these lecherous playthings gave her all kinds of creative ways to mock me like I was some kind of a prude. When she surprised me dressed in some black, lacey getup with all but her nipples and pussy exposed, I did a ‘double take’ so big I almost fell flat on my ass. Yeah, she knew it would be difficult for me not to linger on her body. On Earth, you could get arrested for gawking at a girl like that, but for Niko, it was worth any amount of trouble.
Once we moved from the clothing department, Niko insisted that I try a free sample of “Eat Me” and “Drink Me” treats.
“See if they have one marked ‘Fuck me'” I jested to her. I threw one into my mouth. Sweet but with a certain blandness to it that I couldn’t really describe. Maybe because I couldn’t taste the magic in them. Though I wish I could have grown into a giant like ol’ Lewis Carroll intended. But all it got me was a collection of jarred faces and pervy stares at my swimsuit area. Nothing to see there, girls.
At least the kid mamono had it easy. An innocent little puppet show with two silly characters delighting the kids with their frolics. Though they didn’t seem to have any clothes on once they began to… Oh, for the love shit! Come on already! Even that!? Fuck, and they complain about what kids are exposed to back on Earth. ‘Punch and Judy’? More like ‘Cunt and Prudey’.
But I could play network censor later. Through all the stops, I watched my tracker. The second something came up on my radar, I’d have to move fast if I wanted to keep up with the Skarliks. I couldn’t afford to lose them again.
But after feeling my stomach groan, I figured I’d better get some food. Wouldn’t want to get killed by the Skarliks on an empty stomach now, would I? So I requested Niko take me to the nearest place with a restaurant. That happened to be the “The Cream-Filled Pie Inn”
Sounds suggestive but tasty.
“Hey Smiley, you should know that I haven’t got any cash an me” I nudged Niko as I thought it’d be good to mention. I remember hearing that Wonderland has their own form of currency. Whatever that might be, I didn’t have it… or I wasn’t willing to give it away. Gulp.
“Is that so? Well, we don’t pay in Wonderland… sometimes. So don’t worry about it” she said with a coy wink.
The word “sometimes” is something I tend to worry about all the time. So yeah, I had some doubts about following her in there but my stomach was nagging me.
Sure, what the Hell? Food is food.
Inside the restaurant, it looked like Chuck E. Cheese and McDonald’s had a love child that grew up into a sex offender. So many colors and hearts to lose the patron’s appetite. There was even a Founder’s picture on full display. It was a Mad Hatter with the Queen of Hearts… both naked.
I could tell business was doing great. And once I saw that the chef was a Mad Hatter, I figured tea was the main attraction. Wonderful.
Over time, I may have been getting better at ignoring all the stares mamono gave me as I swaggered about town, but being in Wonderland had caused me to relapse. When I was outside, I had places to run off to in case I crossed paths with a sexual predator. Now I was stuck in close proximity with them. All the drooling and heavy breathing from all these nut-crazed nuts made me feel like I just entered Arkham Asylum for the criminally depraved. If I wasn’t starving so bad, I would have lost my appetite.
I didn’t like the thought of my ass being on the fucking menu but tough teacups. Just put on the Batman act and take note of the nearest exit in case things got steamy. Hold the fork in one hand and my gun in the other.
As we looked for an empty table, another Cheshire Cat approached me and Niko. “Busy day for you, huh Niko? Anything happen yet?” asked the ally-cat, shooting me a glance.
“No. Nothing yet…” Niko replied shooting me more than a mere glance. Both of their flickering tails briefly intertwined together.
“What are you both looking at me for?” I replied with a sickened frown.
After we were seated we were handed some menus by a Lizardman in a heart-themed waitress uniform. A Lizardman? In Wonderland? Oh, whatever.
If you thought just sitting down at the table was simple, then I got a treasure map to sell you. At each table, there weren’t any chairs; only life-sized figurines of men in sitting positions. So we had to sit ourselves on their laps… which happened to have a very uncomfortable bulge on it.
Ahh, I see; nuts to butts. Niko loved it, of course. And you can imagine how excited I was.
If I stick to this seat, I’m going nuclear.
I don’t know how, but this joint had a menu more obnoxious sounding than a Disney World themed restaurant. ‘Backdoor Berries’, ‘Chef’s Handy Candy’, ‘Jubjub’s Best Breast’, ‘Tongue N’ Tail’, ‘Cream on a Stick’, ‘Nuts & Meatballs’, ‘Blow Cob Special’ and so on.
How’s that for a tempting menu?
“No beer? Fucking Hell, I need a stiff drink” I muttered to myself.
Actually, who needs it in Wonderland? These oddballs get drunk enough reading the brand label on a guy’s underwear.
“So do I” Niko chimed in.
Peaking over the top of the menu, I could see Niko’s hungry expression, and she wasn’t looking her menu. Now that I thought about it, I should have chose some better words.
“You look like a cat that just ate a canary. Now get rid of that grin before it makes me sick” I scorned her while burying my face back into the arousing menu.
“I can’t help it. I’m having such a marvelous time today. How about you?” Niko remarked.
“A regular New Year’s blowout”
“Exactly what I was thinking” she snickered slyly, while I caterwauled into a growl. I did it again, didn’t I? “Think about it. In one day, you’ve romped with Jubjubs, rolled along in a Humpty’s egg, sampled your intoxicating essence to a Jabberwock, wrestled a Wererabbit, and even got a tour through our Palace of Passions straight into a bubble bath. You’re doing quite well for your first day. Just think of what excitement still awaits both of us”
I dropped my menu and furrowed my brows to combat her sneaky smile. “You want to know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that some veterinarian better come along and neuter your sweet little ass before I do it myself. How does that excitement sound to you, huh? You’d be out of a job. As for me, I know what excitement is waiting for me out there and I’m not exactly exhilarated about it. Once this fucking thing finally talks to me, I have to get to work; dirty work” I snapped as I pulled out my tracking device and shook it. No signal yet.
“What is that!?” Niko exclaimed as she lit up.
Oh boy, I’m going to regret showing her that.
“It’s nothing. Just my imagination” I shrieked as I quickly hid the tracker.
“Quite the imagination you have, Jason. Can I play with it?”
“Not a chance. This thing’s trouble enough for me and I don’t need two troublemakers combined, so shut up about it”
“Fine, I’ll shut up… as long as you keep talking”
Fair trade I suppose. Anything for some peace.
I babbled on vaguely about the nature of my business in Wonderland. I stayed PG-13 with some of my details just so I wouldn’t egg her on. Plus, I wanted to maintain some level of decency; someone had to. It was kind of relieving just to think out loud. Ha, probably made me look mad. Nevertheless, it helped me sort out some kind of a gameplan. Niko probably wouldn’t understand anything I said anyway, so I wasn’t worried about arousing suspicions. Not that I cared what she thought. Even if she took me for a serial killer with a flesh mask, I wouldn’t be bothered.
True to her word, she kept quiet. Telling me everything in her head by dreamily watching me like a star-struck fan girl planning on kidnapping her celebrity crush. It was good, not just because it helped me think, but it helped me make up my mind on what to order from the menu. All suggestive names, so fuck it.
It was then that I looked up at Niko and noticed that she had begun sensually fidgeting in place and purring just as lustfully. Her expression had now turned into blissful ecstasy. A little drool plopped onto the table.
That damn bump on these fucking perverted seats, man. Emphasis on the “fucking”
“You finished, you little purple people eater?” I asked with a sharp tone.
“That’ll do it…” she mewled through small labored breaths as she dropped down one more time before letting out a shrill moan of lascivious delight. “Just wonderful”
The sanitation department would have a field day in this place.
“Weren’t you ever taught good table etiquette? Actually, I take it back. You probably learned those manners from your pussy cat mom”
“In Wonderland, expressing our sexual desire for someone is the highest compliment we can give. You wouldn’t want to be insulted would you?”
Boy, I’d love to hear someone use that excuse during a sexual harassment case.
“After all the insults that have been hurled my way, I doubt you could surprise me. Now keep that burning bush of yours in your skirt, got it? And find me that scaly waitress; I’m ready to order”
Niko giggled deviously then stood up, twirled over, and sat down in front of me. “Just leave it to me. I’ll go tell the chef myself so it gets here quicker. What dessert has caught your eye? Or is what you want already here?” she asked as she traced her claw down her chest.
I’m going to ignore that not so subtle comment simply because I’m hungry.
“The ‘Banana Cream Surprise’; hold the nuts”
She then leaned closer to my face, knowingly displaying her tits for my viewing pleasure.
“This restaurant celebrates unbirthdays. Is today your unbirthday, Jason?”
“…No. It is my birthday” I lied, as I feared Niko making a spectacle otherwise. After all, they loved those three-hundred sixty-four days, didn’t they?
“It is!? Splendid! This restaurant celebrates birthdays as well. I’ll let the manager know”
Fuck. I can’t win.
“No, no, no! Oh God, no! I don’t need an inauguration, alright? Just bring me something to eat”
Can you image if this diner had a mascot? But I guess they didn’t need one. There were enough sexual predators running around as it was.
“Fine. Just wait here, stud muffin. I’ve got some friends I’d like you to meet. So put on the charm, okay? In the meantime…” she reached into her cleavage “here’s an appetizer”. Out she pulled a small cat-shaped, piece of candy and handed it to me. “I’ll be back in a bit” she assured with a coy little grin and danced off, brushing her tail across my face.
“Tell the chef to not bother wasting the love drugs on my food; they won’t do any good” I called out to her as she skipped off. “And bring me a moist towelette, while you’re at it”
After she sat her dirty panties on my dining space, I could use it.
I probably looked like a perv as I gobbled up her teat treat. Like I gave a shit; I was starving. Mmmm, tasty. It was sweet enough to put a diabetic into a coma.
Waiting silently, I continued regrouping more of my sanity and focus. There were Skarliks here, and I had to find them. No time for distractions or any other fun and games, dumbass.
Within five minutes, the Lizardman walked over with my dish. My meal had come.
And I mean that quite literally.
They brought me an oval shaped bowl. Two round banana slices sat at the base of the rest of the curved banana. At the banana’s tip was a torrent of whip cream with two strawberries and a crescent cantaloupe slice sitting on top, arranged to look like a face; a ‘cream-covered face’, complete with apple slice ‘mamono’ ears.
The blowjob drink from “Deadpool” can suck it.
I burst out wildly laughing right then and there. It was just so blatant and immature that… I just couldn’t keep it together. It was fucking hilarious. I had to rub my eyes to keep myself from crying.
Like… what in the unholiest of fucks!?
I only managed to snap out of my hysteria, once I saw some other patrons lewdly smirking at me. They were also fidgeting in their chairs. Uh-oh, I’ve been in Wonderland too long; I was losing it. That means I was turning into an ideal Wonderland sex toy. After I calmed myself down, I wondered if I should eat my meal or smoke a cigarette. Shut up, you idiot. Stop making yourself giggle.
I’ll start with the ‘balls’. Ha ha.
My potentially last meal was pretty good. The fact that I had an empty stomach didn’t hurt anything. If they did drug my food, which is likely, I naturally couldn’t tell or be bothered to care. I kind of wished I had Niko here so I could rub my magic immunity in her face.
Hey, speak of the devil…
“Jason, this lovely little lady is Alice”
Standing next to Niko was a child no taller than five foot tall and dressed in a little blue dress. Not too different from the Alice in the books, though not quite as innocent. Yeah, I knew that this brat was actually a Succubus; just the flavor used when fishing for lolicons.
“Adorable. What’s your last name?”
“Last name?” the Alice curiously questioned.
“Don’t tell me you only go by ‘Alice’. What about others like you?”
“They’re also named Alice”
“Huh? You got a serial code or something? Ahhh, nevermind. That would make too much sense” I relented as I buried my face back into my food.
“See?” Niko simpered to the Alice before poofing away with her.
Spider-sense is tingling…
*Poof* A Wonderworm with her pipe.
“You haven’t got another smoke on you, have you?” *Poof*
*Poof* An Umi Osho.
“Just what I’m looking for; a pessimistic turtle mock” *Poof*
*Poof* A Selkie.
“I guess the time always comes for you, clam breath” *Poof*
*Poof* A Dwarf.
“If you’re looking for some wood to work on, try someone else, half-pint” *Poof*
*Poof* A Papillon.
“Stand back. I don’t want pollen in my food”
*Poof* This time, however, there was no other mamono with Niko as she sat back down across from me; lecherous grin on her face, like usual.
“Ha-ha! I just knew you wouldn’t disappoint. You’re quite the entertainer with your smooth talking. They absolutely loved you” she proclaimed.
‘Smooth talking’? Really?
“That kind of slander has only gotten me kicked out of clubs or slapped by gals. Charming, isn’t it?” I remarked casually. My instincts are to mock, not woo.
“Yes… charming” she cooed as she hungrily licked her lips. “Oh! You should meet the Queen of Hearts! She’ll be mad about you!”
“Listen, Fancy Feast. The last thing I want is a meeting with that trashy Shirley Temple. I’d just assume cut my own damn head off. I don’t need any more shenanigans out of you. I want to eat and think in peace”
“Well at least tell me how the food is”
“Hmmph. It’s no ice cream but still pretty good. I can’t even taste the aphrodisiac in it” I sneered. Niko simply shrugged me off.
As I tried to concentrate, a strange odor found it’s way into my nose. “I smell something musty. Was that you?” I asked Niko cheekily. Her ears twitched slightly from the question. She looked to be holding back a laugh, causing me to cock an eyebrow at her. ‘What’s she up to now?’, I wondered.
As I took a drink from my glass, I saw something in the glass’ reflection; several pairs of anxious eyes silently watching me from behind.
I hadn’t noticed it before, but the restaurant had gone suspiciously empty.
The surprise caused me to spit out my drink and stand up. Niko got some of my spit take as well. Good.
It wasn’t a revelation that I exactly welcomed. All of Niko’s friends, as well as the remaining patrons, were eye groping me like a pack of horny teenagers while I ate. Some even had their hands working down between their legs. I never thought I’d be the entertainment for a fucking bachelorette party, yet here here I was.
What would my mom say? Nothing, as it would likely give her a heart attack.
“Real cute, Niko! Real fucking cute!”
“Finally, you drenched me with something. What are you going to do for your next act? I’ll be glad to be your lovely assistant” she mewled delightfully as she cleaned herself like a cat.
“Go find another P. T. Barnum to be the ring-leader in this runaway circus. Pay the bill already so I can scram”
“I’m not the one with the money, Jason” she taunted while happily placing her paws behind her head.
“Aw, that’s just fucking great. I told you that I-”
“Is that a rattling in your pants, or are you eager for something?” she arrogantly cut me off.
In my pocket was a handful of Heart-shaped coins. These coins were similar to Earth’s coins with ‘heads’ and ‘tails’ on either side except that these coins were… lewder. Much, much lewder. But now with them jingling in my pocket, they would sound like a gunslinger’s spurs. Neat I suppose, but that’s besides the point. When did Niko put these in my pocket? She’s smoother than I thought. Of course I’m relieved that I can get out of here with my pants but I’m still going to kill her after this.
Me and Niko traded expressions. I was incredulous, she was smug. Just more of her games; like a cat with its mouse.
“Well… good! I wasn’t about to ‘work off’ the cost. Alright, where’s the bill?”
“Here I am, hot stuff” came a voice from the audience. It was the Lizardman waitress from before. Only now she was breathless and sweating. Also, her uniform was sloppier than earlier. This time I noticed her name tag said ‘Billie’.
Oh, now I get why there’s a Lizardman in Wonderland.
“Where’s your ladder, Billie? Don’t answer that; it’s rhetorical. Here” I sneered as I dropped a random number of coins and turned away.
“My shift is over in an hour…” she said, words filled with ardor.
“Good. Then you’ll have the rest of the day to ponder where this smartass ran off to” I shouted back to her as I rushed off. I wasn’t going to come down her chimney like that other lizard. Bonus points if you get that reference.
“Don’t you at least want your change?” she called to me.
“Keep it!” I shouted while parkouring out the door.
Back outside and into the sunlight, I pulled out my tracker; nothing. Fuck the world, and fuck this world harder. Here I was, stuck in a land with no logic, relying on pure luck to try and find an enemy that would only try to kill me if I found them. I hated this situation, but I have only myself to blame. Wonderland did have an easy way out, though. Embrace the madness. Like the line of mamono dancing around a nearby boulder while singing a familiar tune.
Forward, backward, inward, outward
Bottom to the top
Makes no difference where you cum
As long as you don’t stop
You know, it only took one word to make that song vulgar. Interesting.
“Bravo, Jason. Bravo” came Niko’s voice again.
“That was no big accomplishment. It’s as easy as dazzling a group of infants with a set of keys” I quipped.
“So what’s next, Jason?”
“I’ll be fuc-, eh damned if I know. How’s a guy supposed to think clearly in a place like this?”
“Who needs to think? In Wonderland, it’s easy to find people making revelry. And they’re always very generous with it”
“Stop! Just stop! Goddammit, playtime is over! I have work to do! Real work!”
“Work? Where’s the fun in that?” Niko pouted. “When the path is problematical, why not make backtracking your new path?”
“What are you talking about now, tuna breath?”
“Logic is difficult. There’s not enough correct answers. But illogical… now that has many, many correct answers. In fact, the sky is the limit. Much more fun to be had that way. Don’t you agree?”
I think what she meant is to surrender to the madness, like all of Wonderland’s residents. That includes the “un-indigenous” mamono like the Lizardman, Alraune, and whatever other mamono who decided to quit their day job. They embraced the insanity and let debauchery run their lives. Well, more debauchery than normal for a mamono. Don’t worry about finances, self-improvement, or work. Just a life of drugs, free love, and all around depravity. Much like the 1960s hippie culture, right down to the psychedelic colors.
Hakuna Matata on crack.
“I… I-I agree”. Yeah, I said that. “It’s an awfully tempting decision to make. But that option isn’t in my catalog. I’m not that kind of crazy”
Niko’s ears pricked up to full attention with her grin lightly faltering.
“Normally I would enjoy this but… that makes little sense. How could you not find Wonderland absolutely liberating?” Niko questioned curiously.
“Oh, I do find it liberating. In fact I’ve been having a great time with you today. A regular bowl of cherry bombs. Anyone would have a blast playing around in this land of giant chocolates boxes. They’d never know what they were gonna get; except getting laid. But no amount of unbirthday parties can make my problems go away”
These were my problems. And I wouldn’t take the easy way out.
Suddenly Niko poofed several feet in front of me. She laid facedown with her knees boosting her lush heinie into the air. Very cat-like.
“Is this the thing that has you so upset? How could this little thing have any power over you?” she pondered while playfully batting my tracking device between her paws on the ground.
“How did you-? Give that back. Now!” I asserted.
“Come and get it” she beckoned me as she quickly stood up and placed it behind her back.
“Hand it over or what I’ll do to you-”
“I wish you would. Yeehee”
More of her bullshit.
With that, I immediately rushed her with a head of steam. Just before I was about to make contact, she poofed away. I hadn’t even fully stopped myself when Niko reappeared above me, dropping herself on my shoulders while clamping her gorgeous legs onto my neck. An intense warmth engulfed my head as I was driven forward by the abruptness of it. I did all I could to stay on my feet while Niko rode on top of me.
Her mischievous laughter only got louder and she shielded my vision with her paw. Her gel-like feline pads mushed pleasantly against my face as her soft and incredibly malleable thighs gripped on to me like a neck pillow.
“Hey! Get off! Ugh!” I shouted irritably as I instinctually and sightlessly ran forward, struggling to break her surprisingly strong legs.
“Faster, faster!” Niko cheered as she further tightened her grip.
I was so blindly ballistic that I didn’t know to stop myself before I plummeted into the fountain surrounding the statue. Niko of course poofed off of me just beforehand.
Face filled with ire, I pulled my soaked ass out of the fountain. I’m sure I was getting stares as I entertained the crowds like Niko wanted. Speaking of which, Niko’s laughter was coming from above.
“See? That was fun” she teased me while hanging upside down by her legs on one of the statue’s boners, monkey bar style. Put the phrase ‘Hang in there’ underneath a picture of her, and you got yourself one Hell of a motivational poster. Naturally, she was once again purposefully showing off her kinky purple panties while she hung there. Nice view of a nice body. Her undies, coincidentally, were very wet, but not because of the fountain. Thankfully, I had fallen into the fountain which washed off the back of my head.
She tossed the tracker down to me then adjusted herself to an upright, sleek playboy-like sitting position. Amorously grinning like usual.
I chuckled under my breath. As annoyed as I was, I found it hard to stay really pissed at Niko. She was really amusing in her playfulness. Even with her sensually suggestive mannerisms, she always kept a level of child-like innocence, like the way she impishly wiggled her legs while sitting up there. Under different circumstances, I’d jump at chance for a day of fun with a wildcat like her.
“As fun as a fire hose up the nose” I jested. “Now if you don’t mind, this tour is over, kitten”
“Over? My tour is not over. We’ve yet to reach the main attraction” Niko breathed flirtatiously.
“Let me guess…” I began to hypothesize.
Niko spread her legs as confirmation.
“To give you my… personal tour” she said huskily.
“Like I said, it’s over”
I was walking away when she poofed and had me staring into her amethyst eyes, once more. “It’s not over until the two lovers fuck each other into madness”
There goes that tongue dancing around on her lips again.
“Not so sorry to break it to you, but that was never in the cards, pussycat”
“Yes! Pussy, indeed!” she chirped. “It’s time to feed this cat!”
“Go soil your own litterbox” I tittered at my own word play. “I only took your tour because I needed to find the center of this DTF-land. You knew your way around, so I had you bring me there. Done deal. Now, I’ve got more important matters to attend to”
I didn’t wait for her to respond before I walked past her; only for her to float after me.
“Hey I played your game. I let you play the aggressor and choose when to ravage me. And I’ve given you countless chances to fuck me. You led me on, now it’s time for the big bang”
“That’s only in your own warped mind. How could I have led you on?” I was starting to get agitated.
“How? With the things you say. Nobody from the outside world talks or acts like you. The nonsense that comes out of your mouth and the strange things you do… well, it just so happens to be quite the turn-on in Wonderland. Your spirit energy is ripe with sweet, delectable hypersexuality. Just look at how your erotic lure affected every girl you met today. You built up all of this good will with them and you must cash it in… into each of us”
I think I understand now. To the rest of the world, I’m just some certifiable crackpot with a bad attitude. An obnoxious son of a bitch who’s vitriol is matched only by his brash tongue.
But here… here I’m the cool one.
“Let’s play a new game. It’s called ‘Hard To Get’. And I’m it” I sassed her as I marched away. Only to be yanked from behind as the back of my legs hit something causing me to trip backwards to the ground. Next thing I know, Niko had mounted herself onto my hips.
“I got you; I win” Niko purred, her smile dripping with obscene intentions. “You’re not very good at that game, are you?”
Well that stupid wisecrack backfired on me. Nice one.
In an effort to regain my footing, I wrestled about to get her off of me with her trying holding me down. She was definitely excited as I unavoidably got physical with her. Through my struggling I was consciously aware of how good she felt. Her lupine body was just as great to the touch as it was to the sight; maybe better. Even her furry cat parts were charming to say the least.
Hey, I couldn’t help it if I groped her a bit.
Finally flipping her off of me, I jumped up, ready for a counterattack. Niko was poised on the ground. Her eyes big and wild, like cat stalking a toy. Complete with the butt wiggle.
“Hey back off, you sneaky, furry-packaged perv-puss. Don’t make me have to hose you down” I spat defensively.
“Sounds inviting” she affirmed longingly.
“Not what I fucking meant!” I spluttered. “Look, I told you I’ve got a job to do. And I can’t afford to be distracted by the likes of you”
“If you just let me do all the work right now, you’ll be glad to bring me along”
“Trust me, it’s for your own good to stay out of my business. But I guess I’ll have to spell it out for you and you can quote me on this when you tell all of your crazed friends. I’m not going to have sex with you!”
Niko gasped. She was left wordless from my outburst. That made me feel pretty damn good to think that I got the final word. That is until I noticed something.
Why didn’t I hear the line of mamono singing? Or any other noises in the once busy plaza?
I looked around. Every mamono that was once lively and minding their own business was now staring at me with the same bewilderment. Uh-oh.
“…yet!” I shouted while squirming in place, hoping to damper the mob that surrounded me. Nope, I still felt like crawling under a rock.
“Jason…” murmured Niko, a smile creeping back onto her face.
“I just fucked up, didn’t I?” I asked uneasily.
Niko nodded sympathetically.
“You there!” came a feminine yet commanding voice behind me.
Come on. This is not fucking fair.
Approaching me were four Trumpart chicks. All pretty and sporting the same sexy figure. A three of hearts was point with a four of spades, a five of diamonds, and a two of clubs following behind. Just short of a straight. Ha ha ha. Not now, idiot. They don’t look pleased.
“Greetings, stranger. We heard you say that you would not have sex with this lovely Cheshire Cat. Is that correct?” the three of hearts questioned me.
I looked at Niko for help. But all I got was a grin that eagerly waited for my answer as much as the Trumparts did.
Man up. You’re on your own.
“You got it, poker face. I did say ‘no’. Getting all sweaty and sticky just doesn’t suit me at the moment. Besides, I just got this armor cleaned by a Dragon and I don’t think she offers a buy one get one free, you know what I mean?”
Even when I was nervous and outnumbered, I was still a smartass, as always.
All four suits began to blush. Must be more of my wordy whimsy Niko had mentioned. Guess I got them all flushed in the face. Shit, now I’ve got card jokes on the brain.
“Yes… ah, (ahem) well stranger, that just so happens to be against Wonderland law. When on the grounds of the Queen of Hearts, you must have sex with anyone who asks”
“What? I, uhh. Umm…” I stuttered, not expecting to run into any kind of enforcement of rules in Wonderland. Let’s see how well I can deal with this situation.
“Oh, I meant I’ll have sex with her later, just not right now. That’s all. Ah-heh” I chuckled, hoping my bluff would fool them.
“Hmmm. That may be, but this is a very serious concern. And you’ve also disturbed the other residents. I’m afraid you will have to fornicate right now”
Well so much for that. Time to show my hand.
“Fine. I tried to play nice but no dice. I’ll just have to repeat it for you, shuffle-broad. I said ‘no’ and I meant ‘no’. I’m not fucking her” I said matter-of-factly and pointed at Niko.
“If you don’t comply, we have the authority to have you raped” she threatened as she and her subordinates readied their suit spears. Preparing to deck me.
“You touch me with that and I turn you into a corn dog” I threatened right back at her. Now I was fired up.
“Off with his pants” the three of hearts ordered her backup.
“Out with his head” they replied.
Okay, that’s just ridiculous.
“Look! A giant dildo plushy!” I pointed behind them. They looked away, I ran.
Let’s make our firearms a last resort, shall we?
I began tearing through the nearby attractions like a hurricane with the Trumparts hot on my heels. Leaping onto some kind of stage for a bubble game, I charged straight through and burst out the back of the stand, covered in more bubbles. The two of clubs tried to cut me off on the other side but I circumvented the card by kicking over a stack of barrels onto her.
Next, I jumped through a window into the toy shop I had been in earlier. Apparently I entered into the lingerie section. A lot of changing of clothes was going on, minus the changing booths, of course. Would have been embarrassing but none of the half naked patrons seem bothered by my little invasion of privacy. “Is this Castle Anthrax?” I commented as I moved on. Ignoring the other mamono ogling me, I zigged and zagged past them, knocking over table after table behind me to obstruct the Trumpart’s pursuit.
Recall that “testing” area I mentioned before? Yeah, I had to parkour my way through there as well but the lovers found my warpath invigorating. Since it’s a recurring theme around here, I’m going to need to clean myself up again after this.
Couple of bruises and cusses later, I found myself ascending some stairs. Near the top was a pair of young Liliraune. They may have looked weird outside of their flower but what was even weirder was the fact that they were playing with… marbles the size of a guy’s nuts? Bingo!
“Hey, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum! You know how to have more fun with these? Like this!” I joked as I grabbed the nearby bag of marbles and poured them onto the stairs. There went the Trumparts as they slipped and tumbled back down the stairs. Ha, toppled like a deck of cards. The two Liliraunes were thoroughly amused by the spectacle.
See that? I said that was more fun.
Now on the second floor, I picked a random room and slammed it shut. The marbles wouldn’t hold off the Trumparts for long so I had to think. How do I lose them for good? I would need something to hold them off long enough to break their line of sight and escape. An ace up my sleeve, if you will. Or in this case, in my coat…
As fast as I could, I retrieved a vial from my pocket and smashed it on the ground right inside the doorway. Then I hurried over to the window only to find it locked. I didn’t have time to figure out how the Hell to open it, so fuck it. Open it with a chair.
Before I could make my escape, the Trumparts had kicked open the door. “Seize the scoundrel” the four of spades ordered the other cards. They charged me but were stopped as they began to slowly and aimlessly float into the air like balloons. My trap elixir they just stepped into had made them as light as a feather. Or rather as light as a card.
What do you know, I actually found a use for that silly potion.
“So long, airheads” I mocked them like a cocky prick. Their perplexed faces was something that I wish I had the time to savor. Even just one photograph.
However, my brashness was quickly ballbusted as I began exiting the window. Down below was the three of hearts Trumpart waiting for me. “There’s no escape, stranger. You will come with us”
Clever albeit dirty girl.
Thinking quick, I jumped onto the top of the large tent nearby. The Trumpart followed me underneath, waiting to jump me once I came down. I grabbed a tight hold of the canvas and proceeded to kick one of the corner posts out from under the side that I was near. As you’d expect, I dropped down, pulling the tent with me. Getting the domino effect I was hoping for, the tent collapsed onto the other mamono, including my Valentine Trumpart.
With all the chaos of the stuck mamono yelling and screaming under the fallen tent, I was able to sneak off undetected by sliding down a hill away from the plaza.
Finally gone and able to catch my breath, I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of my situation. I follow a nutty cat chick who takes me on a tumultuous joy ride through a land of Lewis Carroll’s wet dream. Plus, I got to eat a blowjob for dessert without any dinner. If that wasn’t enough, now I got into trouble with the authorities for not being a gigolo when all I want to do is peacefully fight to the death with aliens from another dimension.
If only I could have predicted this scenario in my gradeschool days when I wrote an essay on what I wanted to be when I grow up. It would have got my ass sent to the principal’s office but it sure beat saying that I wanted to be a professional wrestler.
“I’m speechless” came an elated voice next to me.
“Good. Stay that way. You’ve got me in enough trouble” I ribbed her in between breaths.
“That was marvelous, Jason! You’re even more mad than I thought you were”
“And you didn’t bother telling me about the laws in Wonderland because…?” I inquired to my furry guide.
“It slipped my mind?” she answered knowingly with a wide grin. “But if you’re worried, it’s not that hard to get yourself out of this unlawful predicament you got yourself into”
“Yeah I know, you want me to keep my hands to yourself. For fuck’s sake, I already told you no! So lay off”
“You know, the more you say no, the more our lust will grow”
“Doesn’t ‘no’ mean ‘no’ here?” I griped as I brushed her teasing tail off of my chin.
“Well, ‘no’ means ‘yes’ here in Wonderland”
“Then what the Hell does ‘yes’ mean?”
“Silly, Jason. ‘Yes’ means ‘yes’, of course!” she giggled like the sleazy feline she was.
I growled in frustration. Of course it was like that. It would be weird if it wasn’t. I should have just told the Trumparts I was gay. Then maybe I could have avoided all this bullshit.
“How the fuck was I supposed to know there was any red tape in this looney bin!?”
“You could have asked about the rules before you decided to become an outlaw”
Great, now I’m going against the grain… like a rebel.
“I thought there would only be one rule here: Rule 34” I scoffed sarcastically.
“As a servant to the Queen of Hearts and the one you committed a felony against, I actually should report that I found you”
“Oh really? Well, next time those card-sharks come after my ass I may have to draw. And my trigger finger is getting awfully itchy”
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to tattle on you. I knew from the moment I spotted you that you would get into trouble and you haven’t disappointed me. I like trouble and you’re just too fascinating to give over to the Queen. For now, I want play with you some more. And you were right; my tour is over. Now… I want you to be my tour guide”
Just what I need. Fighting the Skarliks was going to be a bitch, so I really wasn’t too keen on having the peanut-gallery following me around.
“I work better alone, Niko”
“Of course if I get lonely, I could just go chit-chat with the Trumparts to amuse myself” she said smugly.
Oh boy. So they do have blackmail in Wonderland.
With my tight frown glaring at her, I had to give in. “You want to tag along?” I groaned.
“Why of course I would, Jason!” she jumped up and cheered much to my dissatisfaction.
I sighed heavily since there was no use in resisting.
Reaching into my pocket, I retrieved my tracker for an update. Hell yeah! I finally picked up a signal almost a mile away.
“Just be seen, not heard. And keep your head down when shit starts to fly” I sternly advised Niko. Actually, that was good advice. I should do that too.
It was less than twenty minutes before I neared my target. Now was as good a time as any to activate my visor helmet. Keeping my head down as I closed in, I identified the same Skarlik that I’d let go back there in the cave. Now, he had met up with two other armed Skarliks, one with a heavy blaster pistol and the other with an assault rifle. Amping up the competition, I see.
Instead of an ambush right there, I opted to covertly follow them to see if they’d lead me to any other Skarliks. Along the way, I noticed that none of the mamono paid any attention to them. If I hadn’t been playing a simulation of Metal Gear, other mamono might have come charging at me like rabbits in the Spring. How come they got a free pass?
Regardless, at least the Skarliks were ignoring the mamono as well.
“Hey, tell me something Niko, would you fuck any of those guys?” I asked Niko. It felt surprisingly normal asking her that question.
“Hmmm. They’re not particularly arousing. Far less sexy than humans. Still, they do look vaguely like human men but they’re definitely very different from you. They don’t make me wet…” Niko slurred her last words. I was too focused on them to care.
If my detective skills are working, then I suppose all mamono must only have a thing for humans. Not that they would have encountered aliens before but this isn’t a choose your own sex fantasy like in “Mass Effect”. Despite being inhuman themselves, they only lusted after humans, meaning that these Skarliks were not dating material. And I knew that these ass clowns wouldn’t lust after these mamono either. Good. I don’t have to worry about any broken hearts.
Following the Skarliks, I decided to get a higher vantage point, so I started to climb up a rocky slope along the way. At least it wasn’t a mountain. But my field of view on them was growing limited, which made it hard to follow them as I climbed in the meantime. Luckily, Niko was eager to do some scouting for me, so I had her watch them for now. She probably thought of this whole thing as a game. Regardless, she proved to be a natural in reconnaissance with her poofing and levitation abilities. I owe her a kitty treat.
Niko had counted a total of nine Skarliks and pointed me toward a safe vantage point. Evidently, the three Skarliks met up with some others like I suspected. Once I reached the top and I had a clear view from a spot on the slope above, I scoped them with my visors. My heart sank at what I saw.
I recognized the leader of the group. His name was Turos.
Goddammit. That motherfucker was still alive? And here, as well? My situation already sucked, but it just got much, much worse. Like having to go to a Carrot Top standup, only to find out he’s doing a mime act.
Turos was a commander, this much I knew. I also knew how dangerous and smart he was. Tough as nails and a clever strategist on the battlefield. Clever enough to have killed several units in my division… people I knew. And after the last time we met, well, let’s just say that he might actually be happy to see me if only for the chance to tie my lungs around my neck for a bow tie. And me becoming a Skarlik party crasher wasn’t exactly endearing.
He was wounded. Favoring his waist and limping as he walked, he regrouped with my bugged Skarlik who no doubt filled him in on the details. Whether he’d be tickled pink to see me or not, I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t fun watch that sack of shit in agony. Whatever. I planned on ending his agony. Yeah, call me a humanitarian. Besides, now was as good a time as ever to knock him off before he recovered and rallied any other troops that could come through a portal in the future.
If I could just get close enough for a more accurate shot.
“Stay here and… clean yourself” I ordered Niko. She may have been good in a fight, but she had no idea what she was getting into. And I didn’t want her death on my hands.
Once I had slid down the hill a bit, I settled into a good firing position as I leaned against some large mushrooms while still remaining above their field of view. As I aimed my gun at Turos, I just needed him stay still long enough so I could open his fucking head like a melon.
Before I was ready to fire, the mushrooms beneath me began to jitter. Next I was pushed to the side as they sprouted up from the ground, revealing that they belonged to a pair of Matangos. My gun went off accidentally in the air.
“Ow! I’m awake now, sweetheart! You don’t have you be so rough if you want sex!” they bellowed out in unison.
Dammit, dammit, dammit! This isn’t happening!
But it was too late. I heard Turos angrily yell “It’s the crosh!” from down below. Like I said, he was just thrilled to see me again. And now that my cover had been blown he could show how thrilled he was. I hope I lived through this upcoming fight so I could curse myself in a mirror later for that stupid mistake.
With nothing to lose, I immediately opened fire on them and tossed down an energy grenade for good measure. Too bad that bastard Turos avoided my shots. All the commotion sent the Matangos back underground. If only I could do the same. Instead, I had to duck and fire my way down the rest of the hill and take cover behind a rock. Their firepower vastly outclassed me but I could hold my ground.
Through all of the laser fire, the squad began to retreat into the forest. Strange. I wasn’t exactly a one-man army, so why would-, ah-ha! The grunts were trying get the wounded Turos to safety.
Not if I could help it. Looks like I’ll have to play offense.
Diving from one cover to another, I trailed behind them and returned fire whenever I could. It was best to use my stolen Skarlik weapons first and leave my personal weapons as a last resort.
It proved nearly impossible to get a bead on Turos as two of his goons helped him scurry along while the others suppressed my advance. I still had some of their weapons to even the odds a bit, but this attack wasn’t going too smoothly. Man, I wish I still had Karvale to back me up; even just to have her smash a single skull… Turos’ skull. Tough luck, dipstick. You are your own front line, left and right flanks, reinforcements, and backup.
I didn’t even have time to wonder where Niko had ended up.
My own bandaged wounds weren’t making things any easier. Since I got to Wonderland, I’ve been chased, tackled, slammed, tumbled, wrestled, and crashed in all kinds of ways. And sooner or later, it catches up to you. My body was begging for some R&R.
How does Rambo do it?
We had been so busy blasting our way through the colorful thicket that it took me a second to realize that we had entered a clearing. A large round clearing with a long, long table that stretched almost the entire forty yard diameter of the clearing.
A table? It was littered with a shit-ton of chairs and an even greater number of bouncing teapots puffing multi-colored steam into the air. Do I even need to tell you viewers who was sitting at this table?
That’s right. They sexy versions of Ed Wynn, Jerry Colonna, and probably some mouse inside one of the big ass tea pots. Like I said; I was a party crasher.
Four of the Skarliks had taken cover behind this table and continued firing. I was glad that they hadn’t taken any hostages. They had chose to focus on me and ignore the Wonderland cover girls who had started backing off from the table. Now we had spectators for our little deathmatch.
Always the entertainer in Wonderland.
Being at this distance was no good. So I seized a big, broken mushroom nearby which was thick enough to act as a shield. After a quick reload of my Skarlik firearms, it was full steam ahead as I charged toward the table, plowing through their hailstorm of laser shots.
Seamlessly, I leaped onto the table and dived onto one of the Skarliks. Using the super mushroom, I pinned him and his weapon to the ground, leaving his head exposed. All the easier to pop a few shots into. Once he was dead, I turned toward the other three and started to charge with my “shield” up.
Though I have to work on my Captain America skills. The stronger Skarlik tanked my Hail Mary and threw me backwards, sending the mushroom flying from my hands. I instinctively rolled under the table away from their gunfire. There was no where to maneuver under there against that many aggressors so I exited on the other side and stood up. Then, I began to run and gun my way along the other side of the table away from them. Gunfire was going everywhere, tearing up the teapots and dishes in a frenzy of tea and glass.
The scrimmage was interrupted when an exceptionally thick puff of steam erupted from the teapots and blasted me in the face, getting under my mask and into my face. And it wasn’t just me. The pots got all of us in the face, watering our eyes and throwing off our game. As I deactivated my visor and blindly rubbed my way back to 20/20 vision, I felt something latch onto my Skarlik pistols and yank them out of my hands. No matter, I still had my old faithful firearms.
Or at least I thought I did. They were gone too. So were my bombs and dagger. What next?
With my eyesight back, the steam started to clear. I was greeted with the sight of three dumbfounded and unarmed Skarliks. Damn, I hope I didn’t look as stupid as they did.
But on to the pressing question: where the fuck are our weapons?
It was then that I heard the trio of tea bags cheering from from far away on the other end of the table. Even the Doormouse had come out of her teapot. “Fistfight! Fistfight! Fistfight!” they merrily shouted while prancing about with all the lunacy and bouncy fanservice of a cheerleading squad. Well okay, much more fanservice. I wish I was having as much fun as those bimbos were.
That still didn’t answer my question. Oh Lord, give me some help.
*Poof* Niko appeared laying among the teapots in front of me. The adoration on her face was a little encouraging for me. “If you’re looking for that kick you need, then why not look to the tea with speed?” she said cryptically into my ear as she tapped a nearby teapot with her claw. Then she poofed away.
Oh come on Lord; you can do better than that.
Were the weapons in the teapots? But how? With that being my only hint, I figured it made as much sense as anything else. Fuck it. Let’s reactivate our helmet and start searching for those teapots that had that extra “kick”
It was a big table though…
I began searching vigorously for my weapons in whatever pot I could grab. Either the Skarliks solved the riddle too or it was a case of monkey see monkey do, because they began searching inside the pots like me. To say I felt like an ass-backwards asshole would be an understatement. Highly skilled soldiers now at the mercy of a crockery of bullshit. Having to participate in a kindergarten scavenger hunt just so they could kill each other. It’s funny when you think about it.
But in times of panic, pride rides in the trunk.
My search had me crawling up onto the table, digging into the dancing pots like a drunkard after his tab got maxed out. By the way, the tea was really fucking hot.
Before long, I ended up coming face to face with one of the Skarliks. We locked eyes briefly. In that moment, I think the realization of how insane this situation was hit us both at the same time. I almost laughed. It was a strange moment of comradery between us. Without words, it was if we were asking each other, “How did we get here?”
It didn’t last long though as I proceeded to smash the teapot over his head. Nope, no weapon in that one.
Spotting my action, another Skarlik charged at me. Desperate for a weapon, I began hurling various teapots at him. It was actually pretty pathetic having to resort to tactics no more advanced than the Three Stooges. Eventually he broke through my tea storm and tackled me down by the stomach. Does landing on a bunch of dancing teapots sound fun? That was more of a wake-up than the tea itself. The linebacker went to stomp his foot onto my face which I was quick to roll away from. Then I grabbed the tablecloth and yanked it from under his feet. Worked in comedies, and it worked here too. I’ll laugh about it later.
Once he was down, I mounted myself above him and unloaded some heavy blows into his face like a caveman. However, being on top didn’t give me the advantage I needed. Even though I wasn’t completely outclassed by them, these Skarliks were stronger than a human and this freak was quick to reiterate it. Like Luke fighting Darth Vader in “Empire Strikes Back”. My helmet and gear could only protect me so much from their blows.
I wished my gauntlet still had some power in it.
Lifting me up by the neck, haha just like Vader would do, he slammed me down hard. I think that mushy stuff I crashed on to was a cake. But I’ll worry about that later since he dragged me by the throat along the table before chucking even further where I crashed through several teapots.
Looks like I’m going to be picking glass shards out my coat for months.
I hadn’t even began to wipe the tea off my visor before a large arm seized my neck and held me tight. It was the Skarlik covered in tea from the pot I had smashed over his head. Figures, the caffeine was more of a ‘picker-upper’ than it was a sedative for this guy. Across the table, the other Skarlik was approaching. I don’t know what was more fierce; the dagger he must have found in a teapot or the animalistic aggression joining his scowl. Yup, I sure knew how to bring that out in people, inhuman or not.
Who knows where the third Skarlik was.
I think I had a better chance of escaping Veina’s affections than muscling my way out of this Skarlik’s grasp. I was trapped; unable to defend myself as I was held down by his legs, arms, and body weight. And it wouldn’t take long for Michael Myers over there to close in and carve me up like a Jack O’ Lantern.
In the middle of a Skarlik sandwich, and me about to supply the ketchup.
Boy, did I need an escape plan and fast. So with my only free hand, I grabbed a nearby sugar bowl and threw it into my captor’s face. That would sweeten up his sour puss while I slithered free during the brief lapse in his grip. He was too busy de-sweetening his eyes to see the tip of my armored boot collide with his face.
Recognizing the furious cry behind me, I grabbed a coffee tray and shielded myself just in time to block his incoming dagger. During the struggle, the tray was flung away from both of us, the dagger still stuck in it.
I kicked him in the stomach and hit him with a left cross to the face only for him to ram me off my feet with his shoulder. It wasn’t too bad as I was quick to recover and grab a metal creamer which I used to uppercut him, “Mortal Kombat” style, as I rose to my feet. The creamer crumpled onto my hand from the impact, spraying liquid everywhere. More blows followed my first one onto the side of his head. But before I could finish the job, a powerful right hook to the face dropped me.
Still face down, he grabbed me from the back and lifted me above his head. I didn’t want to go sailing like I did once before so I gouged my fingers into his eyes. He screeched in pain and dropped me from which I managed to land on my feet.
Completely turning the tables on him, I latched my arm under his shoulder and waist. Then I dug deep and jerked him backwards with a small suplex, dropping him on the back of his head. With him on the ground, I grabbed his head and slammed it through a large cup and saucer.
Still not beaten, he flipped me over with a tomoe nage throw. Shit, when will enough be enough for this guy? I got up only to get a stiff kick into my chest that sent me off the table.
Needing a bigger weapon, I grabbed a chair and surprised him with a shot to the head as he stalked me. He dropped to his knees. I decided to add another layer of paint as I approached his dazed body and put my body weight into another shot which shattered the chair over the back of his head. Hopefully some of that cracking sound was his skull. Maybe he’ll finally be down for the count.
I glanced back toward Sweet Tooth. He had just about recovered, so I flung a teapot and nailed him in the back. I wish I could say that was a good move but unfortunately it wasn’t. My body shuttered as I realized the pot I threw had released a firearm right in front of him. And he wasn’t too dazed to realize it.
Fucking bullshit luck.
Like the frantic fool that I was, I raced toward him as fast as my fleeting energy would allow. He had almost gotten the gun into a firing position before I left my feet and slammed into him, knocking him back with full force nd missing his shot. Upon hitting the ground, I readied myself for the inevitable struggle. But I was pleasantly surprised to find him quite dead. How about that? He landed on the dagger that was still stuck in the tray. If I had planned that, I’d be pretty impressed with myself.
I wanted that gun, bad. But as I went to retrieve it, I was hit in my shoulder. A sharp pain jolted through me arm and chest as I was knocked back. Oh fuck, I found out what that last Skarlik had been up to at the other end of the table. He had found a gun and God knows what else during my bar room brawl with the other two. Well, more like tea house brawl.
And coincidentally, I recognized that gunfire sound. Goddammit, are you kidding me? He had one of my guns. How embarrassing; to get killed by your own firearms. Up yours, irony.
I had no choice but to retreat from the nearby weapon as his laser barrage continued. Fortunately, I managed to survive and reclaim the fungi ‘shield’ from earlier. I breathed some much needed air as I remained safe from the gunfire. Once it stopped, I got curious. So I peeked over and found an energy grenade he had thrown was stuck onto the mushroom.
I chucked the shroom toward the Skarlik who had collected enough of himself from the chair that I unceremoniously broke over his noggin. He had no time to react before the grenade detonated in a blast of blue energy and even darker blue blood.
Now they have jelly at this tea party.
Not surprisingly, the last Skarlik had begun firing on me once again. As I ducked for cover, I found myself near the first Skarlik that I had killed.
I rolled over the corpse and back under the table once again. This time I waited there, anticipating the unsuspecting fuck nugget to come over and finish the job. I spied his approach from under the table and once he got close enough, I immediately burst out from under the table and let my newly acquired assault rifle rip into him. Down he went, fresh worm food.
It hadn’t occurred to me earlier but my hunch was that the tea pots hadn’t eaten his weapon after I killed him. So yeah, now I had a machine gun. Ho ho ho.
Victory… just barely. A very merry unbirthday to me, indeed.
I should have been much happier but I wasn’t. Because then, I realized that my last kill was the Skarlik I had placed my tracker on. Oh… not fucking cool.
With an exhausted grunt, I plopped myself down in a chair and contemplated. I could feel the anger within me approaching the boiling point. That silent kind of anger filling my body as I came to grips with the gravity of the situation. I’d spent too long fighting these assholes. Long enough for Turos and the rest of the Skarliks to escape. Tracking him would be hard enough, but in Wonderland I might as well have been trying to find a needle in a haystack… a haystack where someone forgot to hide the needle in the first place. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
I’d won the fight… so why do I feel like I had lost?
The Wonderland spirit squad, led by Niko, came running over to congratulate me and sing praises that I didn’t feel I deserved.
“Wonderful, wonderful” cheered the March Hare leaning against me.
“This has been our finest party yet” praised the Mad Hatter.
“Very… very fine… indeed” slurred the sleepy Dormouse as she plopped her head onto the trainwreck of a table.
Niko said nothing but watched gleefully as the girls fawned over me. “Whatever. Just get me a fucking drink” I grumbled at the Mad Hatter who was happy to oblige. I felt like getting shitfaced now more than ever. Sure, I hated tea, but after that whole ordeal, it might as well have been a delicious six-pack of Budweiser. It was overly sweet, just as I suspected, but fuck if I cared right now.
The three kooks were so enthralled with excitement that they resumed their tea party and paid no attention to me as I scavenged the Skarlik bodies for equipment. And in case you folks are wondering, yes I searched the rest of the teapots until I found the rest of the weapons. Not really comfortable having to slip a sticky gun into your coat. Oh what did I care? I was wearing most of the tea party as it was. My wardobe was a mess and I felt even worse. Especially my shoulder which I patched up with some simple field dressing. It was all I had left.
The only one that paid me any attention was Niko. She seemed more concerned than usual. Don’t get me wrong, she was still wearing a lewdly enchanted smile, even in front of a walking ‘messterpiece’ like me. I expected that from her, but the look in her baby blues didn’t seem quite as sneaky as before. I really couldn’t read her. Perhaps I could have figured it out If I had given it a second thought before packing up my things and wandering off.
For my spoils, I got a new kickass rifle to add to my collection and any other weapons I could salvage from them.
I ventured in the direction that Turos and his cronies went. A half hour of searching later, nothing. Not even a trace.
I was pissed. Really pissed. How was I supposed to recover from this? I couldn’t track them anymore, not to mention the fact that I couldn’t zero in on any future portals either. A cold feeling of demoralization began to wash over me, which only made me more furious; at everything. How I got here, how I had no way back home, how I fucked up my mission, all of it causing me to take out my rage on the surrounding foliage. Tearing, yanking, throwing, cursing, and any other healthy way of letting out your anger spurred me on as my frustration came to the surface. It lasted until I was too weary to do anything but walk.
Hopelessly searching for a little longer, I eventually relented and decided to leave this dreamland. My exhaustion and the aching all over my body, both new and old, told me that it had had way more than enough for one day. My internal rage had also eased as fatigue set in. I did all I could. Live to fight another day, right? Best to just go home. I didn’t even care to clean up again. Looking neat was not on my list of priorities.
But how the fuck do I get out of here?
“Isn’t this where we came in, Jason?”
Niko dropped down from a nearby tree and pranced over to me. As upset as I may have been, I was sort of relieved to see Niko. She wasn’t harmed; that was good.
“Looks like it, Niko. And it’s also where we go out” I replied.
“You want to leave?”
“Unless those other guys are still here. Do you happen to know where they went off to”
“Those strange people you were chasing? Oh, I followed them for you while you amused the girls. They found a gateway out of Wonderland and left”
“Thanks. Where’s that gateway?” I asked. Though a lead was better than nothing, the fact that they escaped Wonderland wouldn’t help me track them.
“You don’t want to leave already, do you Jason?” she said with a dismissive wave of her paw.
“Damn right, I do. Now show me the door”
“Oh, come now, Jason. There’s so much more for us to see… and do. You wouldn’t want to leave and miss it all, would you? Besides, someone as unpredictable as you has been quite exciting for Wonderland. That was the best performance I’ve ever seen. Would you do it again?”
That was it. I snapped.
“Exciting? Is that what you think all of this has been?”
“Why yes, it has-”
“Shut up! Just shut up and take your head out of your fucking ass because I’m going to do the talking now!” I roared at her, catching her off guard. “Don’t you get it? That wasn’t some goddamn magic show. I killed them in cold blood. They’re dead as shit and they’re not coming back for the afterparty”
For the first time since I met her, Niko was morbidly shocked. That adorable glow had faded from her usually lively eyes. “But… why?”
“Why else? Those bastards were dangerous and they were trying to kill me. You have no idea what they do to people who cross their path, so it’s a good thing that you didn’t get involved. They would have taken all nine of your lives in a flash. Guys like them are not here to have fun, get it? They make war, not love. And your little charm spells are not going to change that”
Niko’s ears flattened onto her head and her face drooped with grief. “I didn’t know”
“Of course you didn’t” I hissed. There wasn’t much sympathy in me yet. “I wouldn’t expect anyone in Wonderland to give two fucks about it. Well, I just so happen to care enough to do something about it. And my work isn’t over yet. I was planning on hunting down and killing the rest of them too. But… I don’t know how the Hell I’m going to do that now. My guinea pig Skarlik is dead now, so any chances of finding the others are as fucked as that table back there. The only other hope I might have had was this. But now it’s just a worthless piece of shit!” I snapped as I threw my broken portal tracker against a tree.
Storming off, I felt no relief having let out my frustration. Actually, Niko having taken the brunt of my rage had made me feel even worse.
“Jason!” she called to me. “Where are you going?”
“To find a way out of here and hope to God that I can pick up some kind of a trail to those sons of bitches”
*Poof* She stopped me in my tracks.
“Why do you have to go off and fight? What fun is that?”
“I don’t find it fun”
She gently placed her paws against my chest while keeping her purple, longing eyes fixed on me. Wasn’t as lusty as playfully persuasive. “Then why do it? You belong here Jason. In Wonderland, you wouldn’t have to worry about those kinds of things anymore”
“Someone has to”
“But it doesn’t have to be you! Let someone else worry about it. We did have a good time together, didn’t we? When you live here, you can enjoy all the wondrous pleasures life has to offer. And you have been staring, haven’t you? Just think of all the unbirthdays we can enjoy while screwing each other crazy. And we could have so much more fun…”. Niko’s tail lifted her skirt slightly as she coaxed me.
I thought back to everything Niko and I had been through. It was true; Wonderland was definitely infectious.
“Of course I would enjoy it. This place has more laughs than a Texas-sized barrel of monkeys” I admitted.
“Then why don’t you want to stay with me?”
“Because it is too fun!” Niko looked at me oddly as she cocked her head like the curious cat she was. “You don’t think I could easily lose myself here? To just say ‘fuck it’ and then… fuck it? Yeah, it sounds great to be able to forget all the problems of an adult and just live the rest of your life like a kid. Actually, it would be more like living your life as a teenager but I’m not going to let hormones run my life like a prepubescent, fuck-brain idiot who just discovered he has a penis. I didn’t come here looking to escape my problems. I came to fix them. This is my job; my choice. So I can’t let you or the lure of this place get in the way of my priorities. I have real problems that won’t go away just by ignoring them. But you wouldn’t understand. You get to live and play as carefree as the Addams Family with grandma Queen of Hearts as the rent-free landlord. Well, not everyone gets the choice in life to abandon their responsibilities. It comes with growing up. Why don’t you?” I snarled as my temperament got the better of me again.
Niko’s ears flattened again as she sadly slid her paws off my chest. Her cheerful grin completely disappeared as sorrow took her.
It was a justified but still asshole reaction on my part. Nice one, dickwad. To someone who you knew didn’t bear you any ill will. Sure, she was a sneaky little diva with one Hell of an evil smile, but what else could you expect from someone who grew up in Wonderland? All she ever knew was tomfoolery. Even ordinary mamono have submitted themselves to the maddening freedom that Wonderland offers, without even a down payment; and Niko was a natural inhabitant. She may have got on my nerves but, well… I kind of liked it.
Also, Niko was just endearing, in an insane sort of way. She helped me remember the limitless joy and stupidity I’d felt in my younger days, something that I found myself appreciating more than I expected. Beneath that enticing figure of hers, I guess I saw some of my younger carefree self. Or at least who I think I was back then. Man, it feels so long ago. Even so, she was definitely enjoyable to hang out with. Besides her obvious sex appeal, I found her simply fun to watch. Just seeing her swagger about in her own madcap lunacy was entertaining and infectious, just like the rest of Wonderland.
I always considered myself nuts in my own way, and her natural charisma made it all the easier to gaslight me into losing myself in Wonderland. Who wouldn’t want to let loose and ride with a beautiful woman in a place as Wild, Wild West as this?
But that’s just it; it was too easy. I wasn’t looking for an easy way out because I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was a man who had steeled himself to life’s hardships and who now had to fix the sins of the past. As much as I wished I could have afforded to sing “Let It Go” but that choice died a long time ago for me. Now if only “Let It Go” would die. Seriously, fuck that song and its 24/7 stream.
On a side note, I wasn’t too keen on letting Wonderland turn me into a brainwashed inmate. I know I had been easing up on the whole brainwashing conspiracy theory but in Wonderland, anything goes. Besides that, there was the thought of all the demonic energy of this place possibly turning me into an Incubus, Veina unleashing all hellfire if someone else fucked me first, and all those other nasty consequences I left out for simplicity’s sake.
“I’m sorry, alright? It’s nothing you did, it’s something I did. Just be happy that you’re able to live your life here and have a good time. Me, I’ve got to work for a living” I said as I begrudgingly tried to comfort Niko. It was the least I could do.
“I understand” Niko lamented. Really? She did? “It’s just that… you’re not like anyone that’s ever entered Wonderland before. Being so strange and irresistible made you very ideal to be a resident. You’re just so electrifying for my emotions and there was so much more excitement for us to have together. I still think you belong here; not out there. Out there are nasty things like duties, and responsibilities, and… logic. Things make sense out there. It’s no fun”
Wow. Honest feelings from Niko that weren’t dirty. How rare. Just imagine, having sense which makes sense to someone without sense, which is why it makes no sense to those without sense. Wrap your brain around that.
“I wish I could take a vacation here, but I can’t, okay? Now can you please show this ironhead the way out” I asked as I braced myself. I was still at her mercy, after all.
“…Of course I will. After all, that’s what a good tour guide is for!” she said aglow with that pleasantly familiar grin once again. Thank God. I thought she would extort some of my “rocket fuel” before showing me the door.
“Well technically the Wonderland law says I should hold you down and violate you before I let you go…” she suggestively suggested. I know I didn’t vocalize my suspicion and only thought it, but fuck, I’ll say it; me and my big mouth. “However, I find the prospect of aiding in a wanted criminal’s escape rather thrilling. So allow me to show you the exit”
Dodged a curving bullet there.
Placing her fluffy paws on my shoulders, she faced me in the opposite direction toward the colorful but dark treeline. “Now turn around” she instructed. Now facing her, she gestured for me to turn away from her again.
“You want to add some pixie dust to this act?” I joked, eliciting a giggle from her. Nevertheless, I obeyed.
This time, however, a big bright passage through the trees had manifested out of nowhere. I could see the world of the normies at the end of the passage. “Ta-da!” came Niko’s rejoicing voice.
Awesome. I was so grateful to see some semblance of reason that I wasn’t even going to question how in the shit-biscuit she did that trick. Let that be a lesson to you folks; don’t check the price tag on a gift.
“Is this the same exit they went out”
Niko put a digit to her chin as she recalled. “I think so”
I guess I’m not going to get any better than that.
Strangely, there’s a first, my horse and cart were waiting for me nearby. But I left them outside Wonderland.
“I thought it would be nice to bring your horse and sex toys in for you. So they wouldn’t get stolen” said Niko, as she read my mind.
‘Sex toys’? Oh, she means my equipment, just filtered through her lust-crazed perception. Then again, I could fuck people up with them.
I eagerly mounted my cart and began to roll out with Niko graciously gesturing me to pass through. “Thanks again, fuzz face”
“Oh, can you at least rub my tail one more time?” she asked, smiling with anticipation.
I sighed. “Sure. Give it here”. Considering that Niko did help me out more than once, I guess I could do that. She was quick to extend it to me and I obliged. Four nice, slow strokes from her backside to the tip of her tail, raising her butt with my hand each time. One stroke for each time she helped me with my mission today.
“Strangely, that’s not the first time I’ve ever given that kind of a tip for service” I remarked as I made my way down the passage. “So long. Wish me luck with all the crazy shit I have to do out there”
The last image I saw of Niko was of her purring with that ever-widening smile. At least I took the comedian route and left her wanting more.
Emerging from the other side of the passage, a comfortable familiarity filled up within me. Like a massive breath of fresh air. Though that relief quickly went sour as I remembered my unlucky conundrum; how was I going to find the Skarliks?
After scanning the area as thoroughly as I could, I had to face the fact that there wasn’t a trace of them. Nothing for me to follow. Now, I was left in the dark. They only way I might find them again is when they start blowing stuff up and killing more people. I’ll recognize the sound.
With nothing left for me to do here, I decided to just head home and worry myself over all of the worse case scenarios. How many Skarliks were left and how the fuck do I find them now? What would I do when other portals opened in the future? Could I assemble some kind of portal tracker back in my lab? Gee, maybe I should have taken Niko’s offer rather than deal with this bullshit again.
Although, my grief didn’t bug me for too long as the exhaustion of all the day’s mayhem became too much to bear. In less than half a mile, I pulled my cart over to the side and let the peace of slumber take me. Save my fretting for later.
It was well into the evening, so it was fine to go nighty night.2470 Views