“Thanks for having me over…” the young woman in my bedroom said as she disrobed. For some reason, I thought it was quite humorous that she was willing to remove all her clothing, but her Shimada mage hairdo was off-limits. She most likely worked very hard to get it to stay like that. The beauty mark on her cheek just below her right eye was the real deal, as it turned out.
“I’m afraid I can’t stay for too long, otherwise father will yell at me for skipping out on work.” she continued.
“Just tell him you were talking to a customer…” I chuckle.
The pale-skinned beauty who was now completely undressed save for her fundoshi scowled playfully at me.
“What? It’s not like you’re lying. I bought noodles from him last week and you and I are talking…” I point out.
“Mmm….but I don’t plan on just talking with you. Besides, I certainly don’t talk to EVERY customer like this….”
“I should hope not, Shizuka…. I mean-“
My words were cut off as her lips found their way to mine. After my initial shock at the bold and flirtatious noodle-maker’s daughter, I returned her kiss as I felt her hands starting to undress me.
Shizuka and I had been flirting for months whenever I stopped at her father’s shop, and I couldn’t help but enjoy how young and invigorated I felt just being near her. I thought that maybe she was behaving in such a manner to attract more business to the shop, but soon she began asking to see me after the family shop had closed down for the day. The smart thing to do would have been to tell her that I was flattered, but then tell her the truth. Instead, at the time I thought that a romantic liaison with a younger woman was too good to pass up, along with the fact that other men in the town had been unsuccessfully pursuing her, yet she was drawn to me for whatever reason.
“Mmm….you like that?” she asked, her voice sensual yet hesitant as she pulled her lips away.
I said nothing right away as I remained in awe of her body. “I like ALOT of things I’m seeing right now, Shizuka…”
“Well then….” she said as we both landed on the futon with her on top. “How about I show you a little more?”
“Hey- what happened to ‘I have to get back to my father’s shop before he yells at me’?”
“I can handle it…I’m a big girl now.”
“So I see…” I said lecherously.
I quickly glance over to my right. Looking back at me is a framed portrait of a smiling younger version of me and a beautiful albino serpentine woman who’s looking at my younger self as though I was the only man in the world for her.
Before Shizuka gets a good look, I reach out and put the portrait face down so that my younger self and my shirohebi then-fiancee are now face-down on the nightstand. The next thing I know, I’m helping Shizuka out of her fundoshi.
All along, I knew that what I was doing was a mistake. Yet I couldn’t help myself as I lost myself in the sight of Shizuka’s creamy white skin and her perky breasts as she straddled me.
“Fu fu fu….so eager….” Shizuka teased me as she started to rock back and forth. “Are you-?”
That was as far as she got as the door to our bedroom slid open.
“Sweetie- I’m back from the temple a little early and I brought…..” the shirohebi in the doorway said before trailing off. Her jaw went slack as the bags she was carrying dropped to the floor and her hand was now covering her mouth.
My wife had returned far earlier than I expected.
Shizuka flew off of me as though she had been launched from a catapult. Her wide eyes darted back and forth between me to the albino serpentine woman in the doorway.
“Y-you didn’t tell me you were married!” the human woman hissed as she hastily scooped up her yakuta, fundoshi and obi. Honestly, she most likely could have made an educated guess without me coming right out and telling her.
“Wh-what is this?” my wife asks in quiet shock from the doorway. “Sweetheart, what are you…..?”
My wife’s pleasant, sleek and welcoming facial features now appeared crestfallen and defeated while her red eyes were now open wide and beginning to water. It was finally sinking in on my wife that I was being unfaithful to her when Shizuka hastily made her way past her in the doorway with nothing but her crumpled garments to preserve her modesty. My wife looked at her as she passed, her emotions difficult to read.
“You….I know your father.” she said in a flat monotone. “He would be so disappointed in you right now…”
“I…I know….I’m so sorry, ma’am….” Shizuka said timidly, perhaps relieved that my serpentine wife was choosing to shame her instead of lashing out physically. “I didn’t know…I didn’t mean to….” In the blink of an eye, the noodle-maker’s daughter was gone from my sight as I heard her footfalls recede down the hallway.
“H-how could you…?”
“Awai….please….I….” I could only nervously stammer as she made her way closer. I could see that anger was now clouding her soft and gentle features.
“Sweetheart….how could you…?” she repeated the question to me.
“I’m sorry….it’s just that sometime I miss the touch of a human…” I began to say. It was a stupid excuse and I was caught red-handed doing the one thing that you should NEVER do to a Shirohebi- screw around with other women. My frantic excuses did little to assuage her anger as I was now aware of two spheres of glowing blue flames flickering on each side of her at about shoulder height.
This was a side of my gentle and loving wife that I had hoped to never see- the jealous side that would resort to her blue fire curse and make my body yearn for nobody else but her. The manifestation of the albino Lamia’s infamous jealousy.
“Awai….please….I….I’m sorry….” I’m practically begging her as she’s now looming over me.
Just as quickly as they had appeared, the blue flames that flanked her had disappeared. Her expression seemed to change from anger to something else. Instead of the open-handed slap that I so richly deserved, she gently cupped my chin and looked into my eyes with a mix of sorrow and pity.
“I love you so much, my dear husband…..” she said tenderly.
“I love y-” I began to say before she put a finger to my lips.
“Please don’t lie to me and say that you still love me- that’s just cruel. You hurt me so very badly….” she murmured sadly. “But I still love you with all of my heart.”
I was almost relieved to hear that, but I knew she wouldn’t be so ready to forgive my betrayal of her.
“Awai-” my words were cut off as she pressed her finger a little harder into my lips.
“Why did you do it…?” she asked.
“I….I don’t know. I just….I guess I felt so much younger when Shizuka was flirting with me like that. She didn’t even know I was married.”
“Yet I’m sure you had all the time in the world to tell her that. Did she make you feel the way I made you feel when we first met?”
“Only a little bit…” I tell her, remembering back to the busty and flirtatious serpent girl asking for alms for the Ryu’s temple when I first met her a little over five years ago. I had nothing in the way of alms that day, but we struck up a conversation and I found myself increasingly smitten with her as I peppered her with questions about life at the Ryu’s temple. At one point, instead of answering my numerous follow-up questions, Awai simply led me by the hand to the temple- a short distance away from where we were- and gave me my own guided tour. We had been seemingly inseparable ever since.
Lately, she had been increasingly preoccupied with an increased workload at the temple now that the Ryu that had watched over the region had fallen ill. The more time she spent at the temple, the more neglected I was starting to feel and the flirting with Shizuka had proven to be a welcome distraction at the time. But I wasn’t satisfied with merely flirting with her.
“I never meant to hurt you, Awai….”
“No…” she sniffled. “You never meant for me to find out. Don’t you understand? There’s a difference. Was I not good enough for you?”
“That’s not it, Awai…..” I say defensively. If anything, my serpentine wife was now demonstrating that she was TOO good for me. She was doing her level best to bear through her jealousy and anger as serenely as the circumstances would allow.
“Why…..why did you hurt me like this, sweetheart? Did you ever love me?”
“O….Of course I love you. I still love you….”
“Liar. You may think that, but the fact that your brought home another woman to our bed says otherwise.”
I can only hang my head in shame after such a stinging but quietly delivered rebuke.
“I hate myself for telling you this” she sighed. “But because I still love you, I won’t use the blue fire curse on you, Husband. I couldn’t bear to make you long for the embrace somebody that you clearly no longer care for…”
“But I still….”
“NO!” she said forcefully. It was so very out of character for her to show even a glimmer of anger, but here we were. “If you still loved me you would never have done this to me to begin with.”
“Awai….please….” I’m begging her now.
She gently cups my cheek and presses her forehead against mine as she tries forcing a sad smile. But I can now see that tears are beginning to stream down her cheek. The sweet and devoted shirohebi I called my wife was now in tears and I had nobody to blame but myself. My own eyes well up- not because I was caught with another woman, but because it was finally sinking in that I shattered the heart of the beautiful and gentle Lamia who agreed to become my wife and showered me with affection and love at every opportunity.
“I still love you so very much, husband, but I won’t let you hurt me ever again…” she says. “Instead of using my demonic energy to make it so that you can’t live without my touch, I shall grant you your freedom. You have my permission- from here on out, you can now be with any woman you desire now. Except for me.”
She kisses me on the forehead as she backs away. I want to throw myself down at her and beg her for forgiveness, even though I know that it won’t do me any good.
“No…no….I know you think I don’t love you anymore, but you’re wrong…..please, Awai….what can I do to prove you wrong?” I plead.
I could only watch with this sinking feeling of despair in the pit of my stomach as my wife made her way back to the bedroom’s doorway. Awai paused for a moment, almost as though she was contemplating giving me the second chance that I now wanted more than anything else in this world.
“I hope you can find someone who makes you as happy as you made me once.” she says quietly on her way out.
“Don’t go, away…..please……Awai! I still love you……I know you don’t believe me, but…please…I’m begging you…” Any further words I have for her die in my throat.
She then turned around and looked upon me with the same loving gaze in her eyes as when we spent our first night together. However, what she said next was far more devastating than the infamous blue-fire curse as she looked me in the eyes one more time before leaving.
“Goodbye forever, Husband.”
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Wow, oh my god this hit me straight in the heart. It was great but so sad T . T
Only realised that “Awai” was the name of the lizard till after I finished the story. Wow.
This was definitely alright for a one-shot.
Now, this is only my personal opinion, but the narrator’s a pretty weak-willed guy and I hate him. Do his wife and the noodle girl only like him because he’s cute? He certainly doesn’t have much of a backbone. I don’t know how old he is or how long he has been married to his snek wife, but did he never talk to her about his lonely nights without her? “Wifey, please stay another hour this morning, I’m lonely.” “Well, alright, husband, but I have to leave soon.” I just don’t feel he went through enough effort or stress for him to rationalize (even in his own mind) that fucking the noodle girl would in any way improve his current state. In fact, he says that he knows it’s a mistake but does it anyway. I’ve never been married to a workaholic, but what?
I mean, come on, stand up for your right to cuddle your waifu. Is she still at the temple when you get home from work? Go visit her there! Ask for a day off from work and go help her out so she can come home early for some lovin! Do something other than screw the filthy human girl! I mean, they met at that very temple, so he clearly has ready access to it. Unless it was closed due to the ryu getting sick, but I don’t remember that ever being stated.
I just don’t feel a reason to feel for this guy. The whole time I kept thinking “Yep, yep. You deserve this. Mhm. Leave him, honey. That’s right, she IS too good for you. Sit the fuck down.” If I’m supposed to hate him for cheating on a snek, then I say you did a great job.
Now for the nitty-gritty.
You use roundabout language a lot, as if you’re padding your writing to make it longer. Even simple sentences like this: “I can now see that tears are beginning to stream down her cheek.” can very easily be shortened to something like: “Tears streamed down her cheek.” It means the same thing, the first one just takes longer to read. We don’t need the “I saw tears” because we know that it’s from his POV. If he’s describing it, then of course he can see it; you don’t need to remind us.
A good rule of thumb to use in writing is: if it can be shortened or made more concise, do it. You don’t want people having to slog through your writing; it should be quick, snappy, and roll through the reader’s head from sentence to sentence in a given scene. If you want to slow things down, then maybe add some description between dialogue, like how the narrator feels, what his wife is doing as they talk, etc. Of course, all this doesn’t mean you can’t have compound sentences. It’s also good to combine several shorter sentences into one long one if you can. Get creative with it.
Also: ellipses.
First of all, be consistent with the number of “dots.” Three is the normal number for them, and you seemed to jump everywhere from two to five throughout the short. Second of all, there is no reason to use so many of these unless (maybe) it’s a script for a graphic novel or something. If you have to create pauses or a sense of time in your writing, try doing it with well-placed description throughout the dialogue. A gulp of anxiety from the narrator, a glimpse of his wife’s lips quivering with sadness, etc. Actions speak louder than words in written dialogue. In the case of this short, the conversation between the narrator and his wife is the supporting pillar of the story. For the most part, ellipses are acceptable maybe once or twice in any given scene. What you have here is ellipses overload.
Also, the reader isn’t really given a sense of place. All I know is that photography has been invented, but noodle girls still wear traditional Japanese clothing for some reason. All we know about the narrator’s room is that it has a bed, a night stand, a picture frame, and a door. We don’t know if the narrator is a businessman in the year 2018 where gods are dying and men are lonely, or a rice merchant in 1800s Japan in which someone utilized a time machine to take his wedding picture because reasons. A quick description of his clothes and maybe his house would fix all of this, though.
Finally, a few words on how you wrote their backstory. Try not to dedicate long paragraphs to describing a given character’s history. It can be given throughout a conversation with the narrator remembering events (which is an advantage of the first-person POV), or be done through dialogue. For example:
—
“Do you remember when we first met, Husband?”
She did not have to ask. “Yes,” I muttered, “at the temple. You led me around by the hand for hours.” When I put her ring on her finger, I said would never have let go of her again. Yet, there I was, having done just that.
Yet more tears slid down her cheeks. “How did this happen? What changed?”
etc.
—
Definitely not exactly like that, but you get the idea. It lets the characters themselves tell their history and lets the reader know more about them smoothly without slogging through a paragraph of exposition. Again, the key is to be concise, yet convey all the information the reader needs.
This got pretty long, but I hope you can improve your writing with some of the stuff I mentioned. Keep it up!
P.S. Never use “fu fu fu” in any situation. I assumed this would be a serious short, but my eyes nearly rolled out of my head when I read that part of noodle girl’s dialogue. Unless they’re in a porno or something the characters have no reason to apply animu cliches to the things they say, even if they’re Japanese. Unless noodle girl is a fujoshi or something, in which case, write about her instead- I’d read the shit out of that.
For those who liked the story, I have been given expressed permission by Break to make a second serving of the Unfaithful story.
Where will you post it?
Carthois posted it here awhile ago.
http://touchfluffytail.org/?story=unfaithful-two-careless-whisper
Yeah it was great! Sad but great. Its great because there are so many good stories or action and stuff but there needs to be a little of this stuff, like consequences. Thanks for the story! 10/10
Well written, though a little more detailed in some areas than need be but still otherwise good. I could very easily see this being a great ‘low point’ in the life of a character that could be used as a foundation for their persona.
The MC is ‘unforgivable’ for sure. Mistakes were made, and he is rightfully going to spend the rest of his life serving a sentence for his crime against his wife. But this could make for a fantastic foundation of character development if used right.
Think about it, what if he’s an incubus already? His body is immortal, and he is stuck right in that mid to late 30’s age with a physique and face that make younger women swoon for him. Sure, he could have any women he wanted, but the impact of this night struck him so deep that while yes, he could have any women he wanted other than Awai, the heartbreak he suffered has sealed him into his own emotional isolation, making him recluse.
This was good as a one-off, but definitely has the potential to be that dark, bitter back-story to a solitary MC that could pan out to be a whole lot more too.
As a guy, I can almost feel for the man. But he was a dickhead, who should’ve let the noodle maker’s daughter know what was what. And to take her to his own bedroom? Deep down- he wanted to get caught.
I don’t know his full motivation- but to hurt Awai this way is inexcusable.
He could’ve done something else if he was ‘feeling neglected’. He could’ve helped her out at the temple. He could’ve mentioned that he was feeling neglected. He could’ve done anything.
Instead- he chose the path of least resistance. Passively allowing himself to ‘accidentally’ fall into temptation.
Awai deserved better. But now she’s never going to get such because she’s committed to that lout. If she were a widow- then perhaps she could find someone more worthy of her.
Seppuku would be the honorable way for him. But he has none.
Actually- Carthois wrote a one-shot dealing with Awai after she had left her husband.
http://touchfluffytail.org/?story=unfaithful-two-careless-whisper