The Cure-All

This really isn’t fair. You make one little mistake at your job and now you’re transferred to a Demon Realm of all places. An actual Demon Realm, all because a series of misunderstandings resulted in a drunk and unsealed Ushi-Oni in your bosses office. It was a complete accident and the place was due for a refurbishment anyway, if anything she did half the work for the contractors and you saved the company money.

Being sent here is just disproportionate.

Why do they call these things Demon Realms anyway? You’ve been here for a week and you’re yet to see a single Demon. Plenty of Holstaurs though, but then again the term ‘Holstaurus Realm’ doesn’t have much of an impact. No one is going to going to shiver in fear at the knowledge that the next town over is full of lazy cow girls.

Except for you of course, because you have a psychological fear of these things

Not Holstaurs, that would be stupid. No, you have a deep and personal fear of being married to a monstergirl, because that would be awful. Unconditional love and passionate sex for the rest of your life? What if you got bored? It’s not like they give their husbands any say in the matter. No, you’ll send a transfer request as soon as possible along with a wedding gift for the boss and his new wife and go somewhere safe instead.

It’s just unbearable, the thought of one of these things just barging through the door and taking you in your sleep is too much. The paranoia is keeping you awake and jittery at all hours of the day, and something has to give.

You haven’t slept since you got here almost a week ago. You’re feeling sluggish and beginning to hallucinate, or at least you assume you are, it’s hard to tell because you actually are surrounded by women with horns and giant paws. The voices you keep hearing are slightly more suspect, but who can tell anymore? At any rate it’s time you saw someone about this before you did yourself some lasting harm.

Even if it had to be one of them.

“Mr… Harrison?”


You’re faintly made aware of someone calling your name out, but only barely. Perhaps it’s your imagination? You’re clearly imagining that the woman in front of you is a giant bird monster, so-

“Hey, are you alright?”

You stop staring blankly ahead and look up slightly into the pretty face hovering inches from your own, genuine concern and worry in her piercing yellow eyes.

“Uh… y-yeah, I’m fine.” You manage to mumble, your gaze shifting to the clipboard clutched in the woman’s arm.

Or to be more accurate, her wing. How do Tengus even write anything with those things, and why does a species that lacks hands even specialise in jobs that require them in the first place? You’d ask her but the last time you were curious about a monster’s traits half your workplace collapsed.

“The doctor will see you now, Mr. Harrison.” The Tengu says softly, gesturing a wing to the left. “Just follow the corridor to the end and take the last door on the right.”

You walk down the mostly quiet and sterile looking corridor, noting the large number of wheelchairs on your way there. You hope this doesn’t mean the town actually has a large Ushi-Oni population somewhere, you’ve had enough of those things recently. No matter, it’s time to get some pills and get to work on escaping this shitty town. You read the name etched on the door as you knock. ‘Dr. Nadia of the Eternal Night’. Dammit, she better not be chuuni.

“Come in.” A soft and emotionless voice beckons.

You open the door to see a pale woman sitting at a desk.

“Take a seat.”

You do as she asks, getting a better look at her face as you sit down. She seems to have an almost sleepy or disinterested look about her as she silently gazes at you with striking purple eyes. Her short white hair is a disheveled mess and only adds to the impression that this doctor has only just got out of bed. An oversized lab coat hangs unbuttoned off her shoulders, and the view it offers reveals she’s wearing little else underneath, it doesn’t take you long to realize that you aren’t dealing with a human here. Your eyes dart back to the cleavage that is proudly displayed for all to see. Why exactly do these things hate wearing proper clothing so much? She looks more like a serial flasher than a medical professional. You note with great discomfort that her chest is perfectly still, showing no signs of breathing at all. You should stop that, she’s going to think you’re staring at her tits.

The undead looks to a clipboard for a short while before taking in a short breath. You suspect this was only so she could talk.

“It says here you have trouble sleeping.”

“Uh… yes.” Her unending stare is really off-putting, does she even blink? You’d mention something about her bedside manner but as a monstergirl she’d probably get the wrong idea.

“How long had this been going on for?”

You think for a what seems like a few seconds, but might be more in your sleep-deprived state. “A good few days, since I got here, really.”

The pale woman silently jots something down in her pad. “Okay, have there been any other changes to your lifestyle  that you think might have caused this?”

Well this is awkward. Do you tell her the truth? That your sleeplessness is clearly due to your fear of her kind? Won’t she be offended or angry about that? You study the doctor’s face carefully, but can’t read her. The undead must be fearsome poker players. You draw a deep breath: “Well, this place is really different to my home town, the lifestyle here isn’t what I’m used to. It’s probably stress, right?”

You hope this is enough, a truthful answer without being too specific. Even if it isn’t you could always lie, it isn’t like lying to a doctor has ever had any negative consequences.

The pale woman gazes at you for a moment, before her attention returns to the clipboard. “I see. Now, when was the last time you had sexual intercourse?”

You think for a second. “Well, that was probably… wait, what?”

Did she really just ask that?

“Hmm.” You’re certain there’s the faintest hint of a smile on her face. “…My apologies, that was poorly phrased. I’ll try again. When was the last time you ‘made love?'”

You want to go home.


“Oh. I see…” Nadia murmurs softly, making more notes on the pad. If you didn’t know better there was disappointment or pity in her voice. You shift about uncomfortably on the chair. Perhaps this was a bad idea after all, this woman is clearly undead – what does she know about the ailments of the living?

“How often do you masturbate?”

“…can we skip these questions?”

“You aren’t making my job very easy, Mr. Harrison.” The Lich exhales loudly. You guess this is supposed to be a sigh, or something similar.

“Any fetishes that migh-“


“Do you prefer large or small brea-“


“So you’re more of an ass man?”

You’d consider walking out but getting appointments these days was hard enough as it is. The worst part about it all is that she probably thinks these questions are important to the diagnosis somehow. Why can’t she just give you a prescription for some sleeping pills and leave the sexual harassment for someone with the time for it?

“Doctor, I’m having trouble sleeping. I seriously doubt any of this will help find a solution.”

Nadia stops in the middle of her frantic scrawling and looks you dead in the eyes. Which is easy for her because she’s dead to begin with. “I’m the physician here. Now, please lift up your shirt.”

You don’t expect anything useful to come out of it, but comply anyway. The doctor produces a stethoscope from a drawer and placed the bell against your chest, almost giving the impression that she knows what she is doing.

“Hmm…” She listens carefully, deep in thought. You stare at her face for a while, but as expected you can’t really tell what she’s thinking.

“Um… well?” You ask, hoping your nervousness wouldn’t affect the results too much.

Nadia slowly removes the device from your chest and places it back in the drawer before solemnly addressing you: “I regret to inform you that you have a pulse.”

“Can I see a human, please?”

“The good news is that I believe I have found the root of the problem. Your sleep deprivation has clearly been brought on by stress-“

“Yes, exactly!”

“-The stress of being unmarried in a town full of beautiful women. Your reluctance to answer the most simple medical questions is proof of your psychological issues, and rest assured I will do all I can to assist you.”

The silence that follows is only broken by the rhythmic sound of your head banging against the doctor’s desk.

“Self harm is not the answer, Mr. Harrison.” The Lich soothes, slowly patting you on the head each time it rises. It feels comforting enough, you suppose. “While I regretfully cannot find you a wife, I can at least take care of your sleeplessness.”

You stop slamming your face on the wood and hear her out. Maybe it’s the exhaustion or the slight head trauma talking but it sounded like she was finally willing to help.

“My specialty is alchemy. I believe I have a potion that will help end your sleepless nights and allow you to function normally in your search for a partner.”

You tried not to sigh. You really did.

The emotionless undead rises from her desk and continues to do so until she’s hovering slightly above the floor. Fucking show off. You’d point out it only reveals her lack of underwear more but that would mean confessing that you looked in the first place.

“I’ll be just a minute.”

The Lich glides silently over to a large shelf stacked with strange and rather toxic looking bottles. As she inspects them you absentmindedly shift about on the chair, looking around the room. The doctor has clearly personalized the room, but you just have to wonder what she was thinking by decorating the room with skulls, occult books and pentagrams. It hardly brings about any feelings of confidence in this healer’s abilities or her patient’s mortality rates. You look back to Dr. Nadia, who is clearly still browsing through her collection of potions and medicines, and then to the clipboard on the table. Carefully, you reach over and lift it up, trying to make as little noise as possible. This plan fails because on reading the notes you loudly yell out in anger.


‘…Patient refuses to answer questions on sexual experience which may imply the lack of any to begin with. High chance of being a PRUDE, special treatments may be required to cure…’

‘…Patient is deeply insecure in expressing his sexual fantasies which may imply he has socially unacceptable fetishes and is at least aware of his own degeneracy. Possible furry? Afraid to ask…’

‘…Patient is deeply embarrassed on the subject of masturbation implying an Order upbringing. Despite this he looks the type to masturbate constantly, probably to anime or human girls. I can’t decide which one of those depresses me more…’

‘…Patient claims to be an ass man but was blatantly more interested in my breasts on arrival. A bizarre case of self denial that will require further examination…’

‘…Patient’s heart rate is disappointingly normal for being alone with such a beautiful woman. More encouraging results may be obtained through tighter clothing and aggressive flirting…’

Nadia looks over her shoulder in what only can be assumed to be annoyance. “Those notes are for my use only.”

You hurriedly flip over the pages looking at the other questions Nadia is likely to ask you as the Lich rapidly glides over towards you.

‘Sensitivity to touch:’

‘Level of arousal before experiment:’

‘level of arousal after experiment:’

“Are you sure you’re a fully qualified doctor?” You ask as the nervousness in your voice begins to show.

The clipboard is snatched from your hands by a powerful yet invisible force and gently comes to a halt in the doctor’s hand. You notice she is holding a small vial containing a faintly glowing purple liquid. It’s actually quite pretty really, the same colour as her eyes. Like hell you’re drinking that, though.

“I assure you I am the most respected necromancer in my realm.” The Lich unhelpfully replies.

You stare at the bottle in her extended hand, eyeing the contents nervously. “Uh… what is it?”

“Just drink it. Doctor’s orders.”

Frankly, it looks poisonous. You know you’re not meant to swallow something if it’s glowing or the result of a dead person’s mad experiments. “But-“

Dr. Nadia presses the vial into your hand almost impatiently. “Do you want to cure your sleeplessness or not?”

Ugh, This had better work. You open the seal and gulp down the contents as fast as you can. You expected the strange purple liquid to taste like grape from it’s appearance, but it tastes like ass instead. Oh well, medicine always tastes bad anyway, it’s hardly anything to go by-

“Good, now we will begin the treatment.”

Wait, what?

“That wasn’t the treatment?” You try to stand up in a panic, but find to your horror that you’re unable to move. It was clearly too late to ask if you could see a human doctor instead.

“No, that was just a little something to help you relax. However, I must warn you that there are possible side effects with the medication.”


“Well, if I told you about them before you’d be reluctant to take it.”

The Lich pulls out a large and dusty-looking book. “Now, you may begin to vomit blood after a few minutes but it isn’t as bad as it sounds, so…” she pauses, briefly re-reading the text. “…oh, my apologies. Wrong page.”

To be fair, your current predicament was brought about because you decided to to drink a strange liquid offered to you by an animated corpse. It’s hard to fuck up any harder than that without the help of an Ushi-Oni.

The Lich continues to idly browse through the strange book, ignoring her patient’s increasingly severe panic attack. Oh god, something’s happening. You can feel a tingling sensation sweeping through your body. It’s getting stronger, it’s kind of…warm…and your pants are getting tighter-

Please no!

You’re going to die!

You’re going to die in a doctor’s office with a raging erection!

A raging erection that people will assume was over this terrible doctor and not some fucked up side effect of a poorly made potion!

Nadia looks up from the book and can clearly see that you are in great distress. “Oh good, it’s working. Can you please tell me what you are experiencing?”

“I can’t stand up!” You blurt out. Oh gods, let there be some kind of antidote to this thing!

“Don’t worry, that’s perfectly normal.” She picks up a pen and begins writing something on the notes. You can’t help but remember the unasked questions and sections of her forms as she carefully fills something in.

“I-I feel warm, like there’s some kind of heat all through my body!”

Nadia marks something on her pad. “Good. Anything else?”

“There’s kind of a weird tingling too!”

“Good so far. Anything else?”

Yeah, like you’re going to tell a monstergirl that you’ve got an erection now that you’re paralyzed and alone with her. You rapidly shake your head.

“N-no. Just what I’ve told you.”

“Oh…” Nadia stares silently at you for a minute.

“…How about now?”

…She knows, doesn’t she? This was probably the entire reason she gave you that awful stuff in the first place. You glare daggers at the woman as she stares back, emotionless. If only you had actual daggers with you, she’d probably make more of a reaction to that.


The Lich returns to her note taking. “Excellent, it appears the potion has worked wonderfully, and with no apparent side effects, other than a significantly reduced lifespan.”

You just stare blankly at her.

“Just kidding.”

“How is any of this supposed to help treat me?”

The undead gets up from her desk again, only this time without feeling the need to infuriate physicists everywhere. She walks over to an examination table behind you. “I assure you it’s all part of the treatment. Now would you kindly come over to the table and I will begin your examination.”

For a second you thought the doctor had forgotten that you couldn’t move, but your legs obey her command and carry you over to the table. This was certainly not helping with the stress levels.

The Lich looks down at your crotch, making you more aware than ever of the raging erection straining against the fabric of your pants. “Now I’m going to examine you. Please remove your trousers and underpants.”

“Not happening.” you reply flatly, but whatever magic she was using is still in effect, and your own body eagerly disobeys you in favour of exposing your raging erection to the world.

“THIS ISN’T NECESSARY!” You cry out, your face turning red with embarrassment as your jeans fall around your ankles. At least you didn’t wear your Paladin Man briefs today, you know, silver linings and all. Not that your briefs had those, such extras are expensive.

“Not necessary? You clearly have never had a medical examination before.” The Lich rolls her eyes and actually starts to look fed up. Yeah, like you’re the issue here.

“Yes I have! I’m only suffering from some kind of sleep problem, there’s no need to-“

“I mean a Demon Realm Medical Association approved examination.”

“Is that even a thing!?”

“Yes.” She shows you the clipboard and points to a very official-looking red stamp at the bottom of the form. Shit, you guess this actually checks out after all. You’re still googling this when you get home, though.

“Oh, okay.” You reply. It still isn’t clear why she has to look at your dick, but if it’s regulation then you can’t do much about that.

The doctor’s attention keeps switching back to your magically-attained erection, and a tiny yet noticeable smile appears on her face as she jots something else down. “Hmm… Very nice.”

…And we’re back to being unprofessional again. “Excuse me?”

“I was only saying you have a nice dick.”


“Men these days don’t know how to take a compliment.” Dr. Nadia quietly huffs, gesturing to the table. “Now lie down, please.”

You do so against your will, now beginning to accept that you have no say in your own actions for the time being. As you lay on the sterile surface with your furious erection on display, only one horrible thought fills your mind. You try to sound defiant, but your voice begins to rise in pitch not even a syllable into your next question:

“Are you… going to rape me?”

The sound of the Liches scribbling stops instantaneously. She calmly steps over to your side and gently runs a surprisingly warm hand down your cheek. “Of course not, that would be most unprofessional.”

You sigh in relief.

“I’m merely going to retrieve a semen sample.”


“Because it’s a medical procedure. Honestly, I don’t know which town you grew up in but I find your ignorance quite depressing.” She wanders over to her desk and returns with a small cardboard box. “See? Would a rapist use sterile gloves?”

“Uh… probably?”

“At any rate, I’d personally prefer not to use the gloves, but many of the subjects-” She giggles slightly at this, and the sheer creepiness of her showing emotion almost makes you forget the second most worrying part of that exchange.


“Patients. I clearly said patients.” Nadia replies, at a speed you didn’t think was possible for an undead until now. “Many patients found the enchantment in these gloves very agreeable, so they’ll likely assist in achieving the desired results. My hypothesis is it’s the tingling sensation the cleansing magic produces as a side effect. Isn’t science fun?”

She clearly enjoys her job far too much. “You know, I think I’ve wasted your time enough today, doctor. I should be go-“

The Lich gently places a finger on your lips. “It’s natural to be nervous for your first time. Just relax.” She reaches into the box and retrieves a pale white glove marked with a bright red pentagram. You’d ask her if she drew that on herself with marker pen but the answer was probably yes.

The gloves are stretched tightly over her delicate grey hands with two sharp snaps. She stops for a moment to lean uncomfortably close into your face with a big fake smile. You didn’t even think she was capable of such a feat, and as certain as you are that it’s meant to be comforting the sight will still be featuring in your nightmares for weeks to come.

At any rate you feel like screaming, but just don’t have the energy anymore.

“You may feel a slight pleasurable sensation.”

Is she trying to be funny, or does she just have no idea how this-

You feel her warm hand tightly grip your dick, and before you can protest any further it slides up the shaft, making a slight twisting and rolling movement as it reaches the tip before sliding back down to the base, the room echoing with the sound of latex rubbing against flesh.

This sensation! You never knew anything could feel so vivid, your entire mind is overwhelmed with the intense feeling…

Of horrific chafing.


“My apologies, I got carried away and forgot to apply the lubricant.” Nadia casually says, ignoring your moans of discomfort and pouring the contents of yet another vial onto her hands. Oh god no, not more magical potion bullshit, if it’s anything like the stuff she made you drink it’ll-

She gently slides her fist back down your shaft

HOLY SHIT. The reason for the paralysis is pretty obvious now, if you could move you’d have convulsed off the table in seconds. The pleasure is nothing like you’ve felt before, the best orgasm of your life was essentially a sneeze compared to the feeling growing throughout your body. It’s too much, she has to slow down!


As eloquent as your request was, the Lich is completely ignoring you. The fact you’re still conscious is probably due to the potion, the sensation has long past the unbearable and is now firmly in the inhuman levels.

“…So what do you think of our town?” Nadia suddenly asks, not slowing the vigorous pumping in the slightest. You can only reply with an elongated whimper.

“…I haven’t been here long myself.” the Lich continues, seemingly oblivious to your ecstasy-induced trance. “It seems nice enough, but the graveyard is too small. I thought it would be larger from my research on the place, it’s all a bit disappointing, really.”

You gasp out as the pleasure starts to reach a potentially mind-breaking climax, and your heart begins to race so fast you fear the orgasm will literally kill you. The undead doctor stops watching her handiwork and looks to you instead:

“You aren’t very social. I believe this is a large reason as to why you are still single.”

Your mind goes blank as the orgasm hits you like a truck.

There was this movie you watched once, 2001 A Space Odyssey. Near the end there’s this scene where the main character falls into this strange multicoloured place and makes weird faces for about 20 minutes. You were never sure exactly what was going on there, but now you’re pretty certain he was being wanked off by a Lich.

“There. All done. Such a large quantity, this will be very useful.”

You lay there content and happy in the afterglow of what will probably be the greatest sexual experience of your life. Drifting off seems inevitable, even with this unliving example of medical malpractice staring down at you.

“You’re feeling sleepy? I’d say the procedure was a success for you too.” The doctor said, with the smallest hint of amusement.

You don’t even care anymore. Your eyelids grow heavy as you gently start to fall asleep. For all her perversion and weirdness, the doctor did one hell of a-

“Oh. How bothersome. It would seem this particular enchantment has contaminated the sample. Can we try that again?”

You’ll go to a human doctor first thing in the morning.

If you’re still alive.

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3 thoughts on “The Cure-All

  1. According to Stanley Kubrick, the astronaut in question was traveling through a wormhole. Not exactly the standard provender for a human used to a mere three dimensions of space. Such is rather akin to get a handjob from a Lich.

    Quite enjoyable.

  2. Reading through this in the middle of my double shift it actually made me grin the rest of the day and made it more tolerable. I love Doctor Nadia and her personality really made this story. As well as the reactions of our dear Anon.

    Definitely of those stories I’ll be coming back to time and time again. It’s a great tale and I would love to see him go through more mundane tasks at the Demon realm. Or anything you got cooking in the future!

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