Warm Delights #1

Slutbucks [Tropical Location] #1

“It finally looks like I’ll be able to get out and see some of the world,” Mark thought to himself as he started to approach his newly rented Floridian condo. His employer had paid for his southern relocation for his new position with the branch there.

Mark is an average looking man, aged twenty-four years, short and well kept brown hair, slender of figure, with green eyes, and a pale complexion. Once he had arrived at his new home, which had already been set up by the movers under his careful instruction, he immediately thought he might have some emails, possibly too intensive for his phone. “Well, all right. I’m sure there’s somewhere I can grab a cup of coffee and some free wi-fi, without going out of the way.”

He hadn’t need to travel far at all to find what he was looking for: A coffee shop was right across the street from his new abode. “Warm Delights, haven’t been in one for a while, but they have free wifi,” Mark said to himself approaching the shop with his laptop bag over his shoulder. The closer he got, the larger the place looked. “Why does a coffee shop need to be so big? Huh, maybe they serve more than just coffee,” he thought as he reached out and opened the door

Mark stood in awe at his surroundings as he looked about. This place was huge, the tile floor smooth, a huge table in the center looking to be for business meetings, an upper section with couches behind glass to look out over the rest of the shop, and then another area over to the side—just up a small set of stairs with more table and more luxury couches, though this room included some television as well.

“So, are you just going to stand in our entrance, or are you going to order something,” a voice asked.

Mark jumped, zoned out as he was, before locking eyes with one of the waitresses. She was a lovely Manticore who filled out her simple uniform—a plain black shirt with vents on the back to allow her wings through, and black shorts that rose up high enough for her fluffy legs to stay exposed. Her tail also had its own vent and was gently swaying behind her shorts.

Mark didn’t have much experience with Mamono, but he knew enough to just treat them as if he would anyone else. He smiled at the Manticore. “I was just shocked to see how nice your cafe is.”

The Manticore giggled, smiling widely. “So this is your first time here? Well, go on and order. Then grab a seat and relax—one of us will serve you when your order is ready.”

“All right,” Mark replied, making his way over to the counter adjacent to the entrance. There was a large menu on the wall behind the counter, allowing everyone to see what was available to order. Though he certainly hadn’t heard of many of their items he decided to go with breakfast.

Breakfast was always good, despite the time of day.

“Welcome to Warm Delights,” a voice behind the counter told him, drawing his attention. Mark looked down from the menu to see a blue-skinned beauty behind the counter. She was wearing a uniform almost identical to the Manticore he’d encountered a few moments ago.

One of the first things Mark noticed was her large bust, her blouse showing off an ample amount of cleavage. It was so ample, in fact, it was all he could focus on for a moment before her voice broke him from his reverie. “Ehem! Eyes up, honey!”

Mark shook himself and looked up to the woman. “Never seen a Demon before, huh,” she asked him while smiling gently, and seeming not at all put-off.

“Actually, I haven’t,” Mark shrugged while answering honestly. He gave her a nervous laugh.

She smiled and flipped back her long black hair while winking at him. “Hm…well maybe you can come by more often and we can REALLY get to know each other. But for now, what would you like?” Her earlier comment delivered in a most lustful manner.

Mark looked back up to the menu and decided to go with something simple. “I’d like a large black coffee—extra sugar. And a Fruit Salad, please,” he said reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.

“Aw, nothing stronger? It is a bit early, I suppose. Either way, it will be $5.34,” she said with a few taps at the register. Mark paid her and she quickly gave him his change. “Just grab a seat somewhere and we’ll have your order out to you soon,” she said with another flirtatious wink.

Mark smiled nervously before heading up to the second floor. He took a place on one of the available couches so that he could just see the register and some of the first floor. He expected that only his head would be visible to anyone looking up, making him smile at the silly thought.

Relaxing back into the couch, Mark smiled. “This place is quite comfortable,” he said to himself. He supposed that since he lived so close this would become his regular haunt. And with the scenery available, he intended to come here quite regularly. He set up his laptop, plugging the charger into the wall socket next to his couch. Once it booted, he saw the expected email from the local branch Manager.

Mark shrugged, opening the email. He figured they’d contact him soon, but this was even sooner than expected.

Dear Mr. White,
Mr. White, we are very sorry to contact you this way—and so late. But we didn’t receive your new phone number and have been unable to contact you. We are very sorry to inform you that your services to the company are no longer required. Unfortunately, we have to let you go.
We wish you luck. Your severance will be deposited soon.
J.J. Jameson—Management

Mark’s heart sank down through his chest and into the pit of his stomach. His mind began to race. I can’t believe this, I spent all my savings just to move down here. Now I’ve got the severance check to hold me over. It’s not enough to get me back… I need to find a job post-haste, he thought as he stared at his lap absently.

“Well, hello again, sir! Here’s your coffee—extra sugar—and fresh fruit salad,” The Manticore waitress said. She was smiling, hovering in front of him holding a coffee cup and a plastic bowl.

Mark took the items from her and placed them on the table with a nod. “Thank you, miss.”

“All right. Well, if you need anything else you can go to the company website—just look up the store and you can buzz the front counter for a refill if need be,” she said smiling down at him fondly.

Mark managed to match her smile with a slight nod. It looks like I’m going to be here for a while, might as well look for a job while the wifi is free, he thought to himself. He began to peruse the want-adds as the Manticore went back downstairs.

* * * * *

Mark had sat in the shop for hours, watching so many different kinds of people come in a leave as if there’d been a huge weight taken off their shoulders. He could have used some of that. He’d been upstairs the entire time in a mild panic, filling out job application after job application, hoping for something easy that would hire quickly. Just something to make the ends meet while he continued looking for a more permanent solution.

After his sixth cup of coffee, the Manticore who had been waiting on him came back.

“Well, you’ve certainly been putting in some work. And enjoying our fine coffee,” she said sitting down next to him on the couch.

Mark smiled tiredly. “Yeah, I’m in kind of a panic here—looking for a job since my former company had me move down here and then fired me. After renting out a condo across the street,” he said groaning at the last comment, still plugging away on his laptop.

The Manticore sighed. “That’s is some bad luck there.”

Mark matched sigh, pounding down his last shot of coffee in his most recent cup. He leaned back against the couch and looked toward the manticore. “Yeah, it is. Hopefully, I’ll get another soon.”

The Manticore smiled, putting her paw on her face. “Why not work here? We need a male around for some of the Mamono customers who come here to relax.”

Mark’s felt his face light up with glee upon hearing those words. Yeah, I could work here. It’s really close, and it just might pay well enough for me to keep the condo, he thought to himself.

“Well, what do you say,” The Manticore asked him giggling, giving him a playful tap on his arm.

“Yeah—of course. I’d love to work here. I can handle the sixty-second commute—no problem,” he told her smiling excitedly. Not to mention that their coffee was probably the best he’d ever had.

“Well, look—let me go talk to the owner. I’ll be right back,” she said standing and stretching, making Mark check out her rather ample curves discreetly. She winked and made her way downstairs.

Mark sat in place waiting, his laptop closed and forgotten in his bag. He was hoping his luck was finally about to turn—for the better. It would be a nice change of pace.

After a few minutes, he noticed the Manticore walking back with another Mamono. “Sir, this is the owner of this fine establishment,” The Manticore told him once she’d returned.

As they approached, Mark stood with his hand outstretched to shake hers.

“Good afternoon. Nice to meet you. Sir, My name is Alexis,” the second Mamono said as she extended her rather large paw. Mark wasn’t exactly sure how to go about shaking a hand more than twice the size of his own. He supposed he got caught up looking at her paw.

“Apparently, you haven’t been around many Mamono in your life,” Alex said with a smokey chuckle. Mark did his best to grab hold of the woman’s paw and shake it. Alexis continued laughing while shaking his hand.

“Well, I’ve been around them…but there hasn’t been much socializing,” he answered honestly after the handshake ended.

Mark took a long look at Alexis. She was something he’d never quite seen before, aside from that giant black paws that could easily cover the entirety of his face in the mount of black fluff.

“So, you’re in need of a job. At least that is what my girl here tells me,” Alex said as she placed her paws on her rather shapely hips.

“Yes, Ma’am, I most certainly do need one. I just got put into a rather rough spot,” he said honestly and sighing nervously.

Alexis smiled at him. “Working here as a male isn’t as simple as it is for the Mamono you’ve seen. You’d have to give extra service that the customers request since most of our clientele are Mamono. You’ll be in high demand and working your butt off,” she said her smile growing incrementally.

Mark was puzzled, as he’d been watching customers come in all day long. He’d seen nothing out of the ordinary. “Uh, okay.”

“All right, well…do you want the job,” Alexis asked him while gently tapping of her furry digits against her hip.

Mark didn’t see as he had much choice, as he needed the additional paycheck just as quickly as he could get it. If something better came along, then he could always put in his notice. “Yes Ma’am, I’ll take the job. I’m sure I’ll need to fill out some kind of paperwork for you,” he said lifting his laptop bag to his shoulder.

Alexis smiled. “Good. It’s early. Make sure you’ve got your things together. We’ll start your training right away.”

“Yes Ma’am,” Mark said patting his laptop bag and pocketing his phone.

Alexis led him back downstairs to the first floor. She then lead him up another set of stairs to the back of the store. She turned back to check on him and smiled, continuing through the back of the store that appeared to be an employees only area. Or at least not a part of the regular store.

They came to a room that had a stairwell that led up to a part of the shop that couldn’t be seen from the area in which he stood, and he assumed it was where things were stored. Alexis led him to the right of those stairs through another doorway.

Alexis led him to another stairway and allowed him to take the lead up. “My office is right up ahead,” she said as he made his way up. He turned around once he’d gotten to the top, waiting for her to join him, but she’d remained at the bottom.

“Go on ahead, and make yourself comfortable. My office is at the end of the hall. I just need to grab a few things and I’ll be right in,” Alexis said before turning and walking out of sight.

Mark shrugged, walking down the hallway to see her office door already open. The office heavily decorated in Ankhs proved to him that she was an Anubis. He sat down in the chair placed in front of her desk. He straightened himself out as best he could for his interview and training.

After a few minutes, Alexis came back up to her office with two cups of coffee. “Sorry about that. We’re about to begin your training, but first, we’ve got to have a discussion about what your duties will be,” she told him setting the cup of coffee in front of him just by the edge of her desk. She sat down in her chair on the other side.

“Well, can you tell me what my duties would be,” Mark asked taking the cup of coffee and sipping at it. He’d probably drank too much already, but he wanted to be polite—she’d gone and brought it specifically to him.

Alex smiled. “I wasn’t sure how you took your coffee—so I just gave it to your straight.”

Mark smiled and took another sip. “Well, this must be a different blend that what I had before. It has a nice bit of extra flavor to it. A different body.”

Alexis smiled. “As for what you’ll be doing—a bit of everything, honestly. But your main job will be as a waiter. And to take care of any of the Mamono’s special requests,” Alexis told him taking a drink from her own cup.

Mark took another sip of his coffee. It was really good, and he found he couldn’t stop drinking despite having had so much today. “What do you mean by special requests?”

“I’m sure you noticed that area we passed earlier. Near the back of the restaurant,” Alexis asked fingering her coffee.

Mark nodded. “I figured those to be storerooms for supplies.”

Alexis smiled widely. “Those are pleasure rooms. A Mamono can take a man they bring with them or take one of our male workers back there. And quench their thirst for Mana.”

Mark sat there speechless, his cup forgotten in his hand.
“Now, don’t worry. This job will see you are well cared for,” Alex said before taking a deep pull from her coffee. “We have a great benefits package, as well as a health plan available for you.”

A knock came at the door.

“Come on in,” Alex said waving towards the open door. It was the manticore from earlier, except she had several trays of food and drinks with her.

“I brought everything you requested,” she said placing the trays down on Alexis’ desk.

Mark look at the items she’d brought, and a few were items he didn’t recognize. He could pick out the coffees and teas, but that was about it.

“Miss Alex, what are all these things,” Mark asked curiously.

Alex smiled. “Well, we are beginning your training. So you’re going to have to sample the items from the menu so you can inform the customers about what they’re purchasing.”

Mark was still somewhat nervous about everything he’d heard so far, but he needed this job. And if it came with a benefits pack it would be well worth his while.

“Now, let’s make ourselves comfortable so we can talk and eat,” Alexis said pointing a claw over to a tan color couch.

Mark nodded somewhat nervously. “Sure…that sounds all right,” he said standing up and making his way over to the couch. He sank into it with a sigh. It was incredibly comfortable.

Alexis came over with the trays, setting them down on a nearby table. “I should have told you to bring the trays—you’re going to be doing a lot of that.” She moved the table over so that it was withing arms reach.

“Just call me if you need me, Miss Alex,” The manticore said as she paused in the door to close it.

Alexis handed Mark his cup of coffee before sitting down next to him with her own. “Go on, take a bite of something. You won’t regret it,” She urged him with a smile.

Mark looked down at the various foods on the tray. He reached down and grabbed a danish. It looked to be grape filled and lightly iced.

“Go on, give it a taste,” Alexis urged him.

Mark took a bite out of the Danish. The flavor was incredibly sweet. Now the filling didn’t taste of grape at all, but it was a thick earthy flavor with a slightly muted sweetness that dialed back the icing nicely.

“How is it?” Alexis was watching him rather closely while she sipped her coffee.

Swallowing, Mark nodded. “It was good. Nice and sweet. But it wasn’t grape-filled like I thought.”

Alex let out a smoky chuckle. “It was Dark Slime jelly, not exactly an every human food. But it makes excellent sweets.”

“D…Dark Slime Jelly,” Mark asked nervously.

“Yes. Each of the slime races produces an edible by-product of their own bodies. And the Dark Slime is very sweet,” Alex was stretching out sweet to make it sound rather lewd.

“I wasn’t expecting to eat such a thing, honestly,” he said placing it down.

“Well, we serve lots of other Demon realm goodies too. Which you will also be sampling…” she trailed off with a flushed smile.

“I hope they’re not harmful…” Mark said taking a deeper pull from his coffee.

Alex placed her paw on his shoulder. “I wouldn’t give anyone anything that would cause them harm,” she said with a serious look and tone. Mark was inclined to believe her.

Mark then reached down and grabbed what appeared to be some kind of Egg Sandwich. It seemed to be mostly egg and cheese, but there was loads of the gooey cheese.

Alexis let out a giggle. “Go on. That’s actually very tasty,” She told him with a lick of her lips that stirred his loins.

Mark stared at it for a few moments, admitting to himself that it did indeed look tasty. Warm cheese and egg entered his mouth before he began to chew it slowly.

Alex smiled, running his deliciously soft paw over his neck and shoulder. “That’s a Humpty Egg Slime jelly sandwich. It has some rather…interesting effects on the male body,” she said, her tone deliciously sensual.

Mark nervously swallowed his bite, setting the sandwich down. Almost immediately, he started to feel a heavy sensation between his legs. A hand on his groin told him he wasn’t insane—his cock was swelling at an alarming rate. “W…h….how… What’s going on,” he exclaimed trying to stand up.

Alexis strong and soft paws kept him rooted in his seat. “Now, no need to worry. It isn’t deadly—you’ll just need some relief. Though I can help you with that,” she said reaching down, her nimble paws popping the buttons of his pants.

Eventually, Mark snapped out of his shock. “I-isn’t this inappropriate—being boss and employee and all,” he finally asked. He noted a small tint of pink shining on her caramel skin.

“This treatment is something you’re going to have to get used to, considering any male that usually comes in and thinks they can handle this job ends up quitting soon. They just can’t handle it,” Alex said as she opened his fly.

His cock was painfully hard, springing free of the confines of his pants. The Humpty slime jelly he had eaten had fully taken effect. Alexis gently ran one of her soft paw pads from the base of his aching cock to the tip, causing Mark to tremble and leak a bit of cum. He was also rather vocal with his groan of delight.

Alexis continued using her paws to but his buttons—in just the right ways to make him spurt out more thick seed. “Such a good man. Make yourself comfortable while I take care of this,” she told him placing her cup of coffee near the tip of his length, in turn, milking him into her coffee.

Mark laid against Alexis in pure ecstasy as she milked the effects of the sandwich out of him. It took roughly half an hour before nothing else could come out. Alexis licked up as much of his cum as she could, but there ended up being more than she’d evidently expected.

“Good boy,” She said patting his head. “Now that you’re empty, I think you have an idea of what your job’s going to entail,” she told him as she took a drink that was now more semen than coffee.

Mark couldn’t find the words to reply after that intense experience. He was still coming down from the orgasmic high that had lasted FAR longer than he was used to.

“So you’ll start tomorrow at six AM. I expected you to be here a little early. I’ll leave the rest of the menu up to some of our guests. I think they’ll take great joy at your surprise after you try some of our items,” she told him fondly.

Finding his voice, Mark smiled. “I’ll be here bright and early, Miss Alexis,” Mark promised standing up. He realized his pants were still around his ankles and began to fix himself.

Alex took a deep pull of her coffee and groaned in delight. “You have a good taste. I hope to have a bit more of you in the morning. Now head down to Beatrice—the manticore—and she will give you your uniform.”

Mark was ecstatic. He’d never been so excited to start a new job. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll do my utmost to keep the customers as happy as possible.”

Alexis grinned and smacked him on his ass. “See you in the morning.”

Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Bonus Side Chapter
Second Bonus Chapter
Midwest Local

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5 thoughts on “Warm Delights #1

  1. I think I’ll just note the parts that specifically bugged me or stand out. The piece still requires another editing pass for weed out poor grammar and the like.

    Remove the first line. I let you know why in a previous critique. Also, “started to approach” really bloats the sentence. “he approached his new condo” is smoother.

    I don’t think it’s worth it for you to describe your main characters at this point. Physically, they all seem to be the same damn guy. The second sentence in this paragraph is a little confusing, too. It says that once he arrived (as in, the very moment he got there), he immediately thought he might have some emails. However, he was apparently watching over the movers and instructing them on what to do, so he was already there by the time they finished setting things up in the apartment. The timeline here needs to be straightened out.

    Quit having our point-of-view character actively voicing his thoughts to nobody but the reader. I get the a lot of people, myself included, talk to themselves when they’re alone, but this guy’s dialogue when he’s alone sounds like something out of Blue’s Clues.

    “He hadn’t need to travel far…” Change to: “He didn’t need to travel far…”

    Also, I get that the quotations here are supposed to be his thoughts, but you don’t need the character to the replacement for basic description. It tells us very little about the character in the first place and could be less-awkwardly applied as description instead of mental dialogue.

    In the paragraph starting with “Mark stood in awe,” you use “huge” twice in a row. Different ways of showing the size of objects could include comparing things to the character or the number of chairs at the tables.

    I’ll skip talking about the usage of “Mamono.”

    “She smiled and flipped back her long black hair while winking at him.” There are a lot of things going on in this sentence. Maybe keep two of the three actions, but not all of them. As it is, it feels jumbled and rushed.

    “He expected that only his head would be visible to anyone looking up, making him smile at the silly thought.” This here is what I mean about integrating the POV character’s thoughts into description. This flows a lot better than previous examples of his thoughts being shown in quotations.

    Aaaaand then he talks to himself in the next paragraph. Stahp. Something like, “He sank into the couch and sighed.” might be better.

    Since you’re writing in third-person past-tense, avoid using words like “this” and “here.” Those two words imply that their subjects are here in the present while the reader is reading it. More suitable words would be “it” and “there.” (If this is wrong, however, let me know; I’ve always written it like that.)

    If “Branch Manager” is his official title, then capitalize both words in “Branch Manager.”

    “Dear Mr. White,/ Mr. White” is repetitive. Aside from that, this revelation really comes out of left field and makes very little sense. The reader was never informed that the MC got a new phone, just the new apartment that his company paid for. So they hired a guy and paid for his move into town, just to “let him go” before his first day of work? Talk about a waste of money on their part. If he was already that far into the hiring process, wouldn’t they have an emergency contacts list for him, regardless of the state of his phone? Is MC an orphan without any family? This raises far too many questions, which I doubt will be answered. I could go on, but this whole thing just became thoroughly unbelievable.

    “I spent all my savings just to move down here.” Hold up. In the very first paragraph, it said, “His employer had paid for his southern relocation for his new position with the branch there.” You should go back and edit to inform the reader that he spend all of his own money on the move (as opposed to the company paying for it). At least then it would be more believable, and we’d know it was the MC who fucked up by not giving them his new phone number, rather than his once-future employers being terrible businessmen who waste resources on pre-fired employees.

    In addition, in that same paragraph, you start portraying his direct thoughts without quotations. Aside from being inconsistent, try going with normal description here like before. However, I think MC has reasons to start talking to himself here (like, “What the fuck what the fuck are you fucking kidding me you Spider-Man 2 lookin-ass piece of shit?”) since it’s an emotional moment for him.

    It’s “ads,” not “adds.” “Want-adds” sound like MC wants to practice his addition or something.

    “‘That’s is some bad luck there.’” First of all, remove the “is,” since you already have a contraction there. Second of all, not it fucking wasn’t! Luck had nothing to do with it! Somebody, whether it was MC or the company, fucked up big time.

    “The Manticore smiled, putting her paw on her face.” I just pictured the manticore grabbing her face with her big paw and then talking through it in a muffled voice. It was funny, though I assume you meant she put it on her cheek.

    “Mark’s felt…” I see where this sentence was originally edited, but remove the contraction. The reader really doesn’t need his thoughts to be spelled out for us here. Hell, the thoughts currently written in that paragraph could be his actual response, or just skip the manticore asking for a response rather than lollygagging.

    “mount of black fluff.” I think you mean “mound.”

    “he said honestly…” this is the second time he’s said something honestly. No real need for that, since he’s our POV character. Also, it’s more immersing to give more emotion to dialogue instead of saying “Mark said nervously.” He could maybe stutter, or reword something mid-sentence, or his heart could be beating harder. “He said” and “she said” are all a reader really needs, and when a reader gets into a scene with dialogue, their eyes often gloss over them anyway. Adding extra words to them can end up slowing things down.

    “she said, her smile growing incrementally.” The same things goes for here. The paragraph started with Alexis smiling at him, so we know it’s her turn to talk and how she’s acting as she does so. You can change the last sentence to “Her smile grew incrementally.” and it would still make sense because we already know who’s speaking. This applies to later paragraphs, too.

    “They came to a room that had a stairwell that led up to a part of the shop that couldn’t be seen from the area in which he stood, and he assumed it was where things were stored.” This sentence is a mess. Too many “that”s, which make it difficult to imagine what is being described even though it’s just a room with stairs leading up to some storage space.

    “‘Well, can you tell me what my duties would be.’” This is redundant, since she just told him that that’s exactly what she’s about to do. “Yeah, that’d be great” would be more appropriate here.

    “‘Those are pleasure rooms.’” Haaa, so this was the story of a man brought to such lows that he had to resort to prostitution. Man, from would-be company employee to cafe slut. What a turn-around!

    “If it came with a benefits pack it would be well worth his while.” Where’s he getting that idea? The benefits could be a measly 10% employee discount for all he knows! This guy needs to ask more questions before being thrust into prostitution for his rent money.

    “Alex smiled, running his deliciously soft paw over his neck and shoulder.” Heh, this sounds like the anubis just turned into a man-ubis or something. Also, she’s a goddamn sleaze, not telling him the various magical effects of the stuff he’s eating. She might as well have spiked his coffee with roofies while she was at it.

    The pawjob scene kind of culminated in “she gave me a pawjob for 30 minutes and I came a lot, felt good man.” Judging by the joy MC supposedly felt afterwards, the scene itself seemed really impersonal and bland. The scenario was fine for a piece of smut, but the payoff after so much text was more of a drizzle than a bang.

    Give this whole thing another editing pass and consider some of the things I said here. You are definitely improving, but there are patterns that you’ve fallen into that keep it in 1-star territory for me.

  2. “He hadn’t need to travel” is outright a weird little hiccup. Even a simple “didn’t” would’ve worked better.

    “Though this room included some television as well” heh

    You have an indent before “Mark jumped” where you have no indents otherwise. Also the staff is rood.

    Wow ok she totally changed her demeanour. Was her first line meant to be lightly teasing?

    He shoulda still stammered out an apology for forgetting the world beyond her tits existed.

    Hahahaha oh wow his boss is a shitcunt. Is the rest of this story going to be about suing his old company for unfair severance?
    Beyond that he’s taking this really well. Does he get fired a lot or something? Was he subconsciously expecting to be fired? Mystery.

    He’s in a mild panic? That’s kiiiinda related, but this doesn’t feel like a really strong or important event. It’s like “ok this happened.”

    Does Mark have no concept what Alex is when he first sees her? Because all we know is that her paw is beeg and fluffy.
    Ah ok, so he has no idea. Well this was nicely done I guess.

    You’ve started indenting your paragraphs again, pls settle on one way of formatting and stick with it consistently. It starts at “they came to a room”

    “Using her paws to but his buttons” wot?

    He’s really chipper about becoming a prostitute x cream dispenser isn’t he?

    1. I think in terms of grammar TB, it’s… I don’t know. Endemic. You may well be fighting a (losing) battle with Sukiru’s actual worldview. Just in terms of us all being “>authors” you should keep that in mind. If we’re actually talking about the *quality* of Sukiru’s writing, then yeah we hit problems in terms of comparative quality; it’a blunt, it’s often graceless, it over tells, under tells, and under emotes. There seems to be a true disconnect between Sukiru’s characters being artificial constructs *and being actual people*. Certainly Sukiru could well read Usage and Abusage or Elements of Style and really get something out of them.
      Subjectively, in terms of “what was Sukiru actually trying to accomplish here,* I think it’s really hard to deny that he achieved his goals. He set up his story, more or less established his characters, and had a pretty erotic ending too. In terms of just that, this isn’t even *nearly* in the same ballpark as his earlier failures.

      I agree the exposition and character description was on the nose, that information would usually be related otherwise; but I don’t think this exposition heavy description is incorrect as a choice: it’s just not a very well executed choice.
      If you split it TB, he had already been to his condo before. This bothered me as well, and it is confusing and could do a rewrite, but it isn’t really stated that he has arrived *for the first time* anywhere. That could be clarified.

      I broadly agree with TB’a annoyance at how blunt your writing is. If you’re going to write in this 3rd person past, interior thought heavy, exposition heavy style, which I know is used a lot in fantasy and sci fi writing, you’re really going to have to improve your formal English abilities, and increase the depth, nuance, and substance of basically everything in your story. Right now it’s not even skin deep. It’s almost absurdly shallow apart from one or two nice passages.

      Hahaha TB is much better at this nitpicking formal structural stuff than I am, I don’t have the patience. Most of what he’s saying is on point though.

      Yeeeah. The set up of the handjob scene was a lot more erotic than the anticlimactic ending. It needed more. Plus there were all those nagging doubts about Alexis that TB brought up that made the entire thing ethically iffy. But you can turn ethically iffy things into erotic things, with a bit of grace.

      Personally, as I said earlier, comparatively you could only call this… mediocre I guess. That’s comparing it to things in this kind of style, like the Big Sleep. You’ve got this kind of distant, descriptive, interior style, it’s blunt, graceless, and desperately needs a bit of flair and life and depth,
      1 star TB? I really don’t believe that’s fair. I really have to protest that. Sure, Sukiru didn’t knock this out of the park, sure comparatively you could say that it lacks any flair or style at all, however, I cannot honestly say that it absolutely failed it’s own goals. I cannot accept a score as low as one star for this, I really can’t TB; you should reconsider. If you consider it’s own interior goals, if you constrast it against Sukiru’a earlier works which usually failed their inner objective, I mean, even if you consider it in terms of true trash writing, this doesn’t fly that low. I’m not saying it’s 5 star worthy, but I really don’t believe it deserves a single star TB.

  3. Well his day went from great, to bad, then to memorable, just like that.

    Wonder what the male to female ratio is on an average Warm Delights Local is

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