“I need some time to relax,” I said to myself before stepping into our town’s bar.
Our towns bar is usually pretty quiet with only a few people who regularly show up. When I stepped through the door I was greeted by the Centaur waitress who I had seen around town. She smiled at me before saying “Evening Professor.” and headed back to the bar to pick up an order.
I smiled back at her and said “Evening.” before heading over to the bar and having a seat.
The town bar is nameless and very plain inside and out. It has four normal tables with two chairs at each, one larger table in the back with several seats around it used mostly for parties or groups, and the front of the bar just had 5 stools that looked over the midsize selection of drinks you can order.
The Blue Oni who was the bartender and owner she was really nice but being an Oni she was a heavy drinker. When I sat down at the counter she smiled and asked me “What would you like today Professor?”
I smiled back and said, “Just a coffee please, black with extra sugar.”
She simply sighed and responded, “Come on how about something a bit stronger, you are in a bar after all.”
I looked around and didn’t see too many people so I figured maybe a little bit so I responded with “Alright but only if you have a drink with me.” before chuckling a bit and giving her a lovely smiling knowing that she would take up on my offer.
She grinned devilishly at me before reaching down below her and lifting up a small wooden barrel labeled “1868”
“What is in that?” I ask looking at her cutting a small hole in the top of the barrel.
She responded “Very old aged whiskey, that year on the barrel is its year. I have been saving this for a while now.” before pulling out two small glasses dropping some ice cubes in it and pouring a half glass for both me and her.
Besides thinking about how this was about to taste I thought about how high the price is going to be for such an aged drink. “How much is this going to cost me?” I asked while looking at her sip her drink.
A lustful smiled then appeared on her face before saying “Free of charge as long as you stay and help me clean up after we close”. She then licked her lips clearly showing me her intentions.
Smiling back gently, knowing I have to let her down I say “You know I would but I am married with a baby on the way.”
She sighed before pushing the glass closer to me. “Yeah I know already, but the drinks are free for the meantime because when you finally do a lesson about my species you will come here to me for the information,” she said sipping more of the whiskey
I smiled and said “Yes, of course, I will come here to ask you about the Blue Oni when it comes that time.” before picking up the glass and taking a sip of the strong and bitter whiskey. At first, it felt like I swallowed fire but it quickly turned smooth.
As I sipped the drink with the Oni for a bit now before a man charged in looking like he just ran for his life before making his way to the bar and starting asking the owner “W-W-Where is the Professor I need him, my wife was snatched up at the lake by a Monster and the Monster demanded to see me or else she won’t let her go.”
I sighed deeply and responded “I am right here, you said a Monster took your wife down by the lake and requested me.” before tossing back the rest of the whiskey and standing up off my seat.
The man didn’t hesitate one bit. He grabbed me and pulled me out of the bar before saying “Please help her, I don’t want my wife hurt by some sea demon.”
As he dragged me out-of-town to the lake beside me pleading to be let go so I can walk by myself I had to correct him a bit by lightly saying “I don’t think the Monster is going to harm her but I’ll help out.”
He thanked me over and over again as we made our way to the lake outside of town, but the second I caught sight of the lake I saw what had his wife and why he freaked out so much over it. His wife was dangling over the water tied in tentacles from a Kraken. It was a rare sight to see for me, I had only heard they lived in the ocean not so much in smaller bodies of water. So we walked over and he dropped to his knees and pleaded with the sea maiden “Please I brought him for you, let my wife go please.”
The Kraken didn’t even look at the man, her eyes were set on me. She looked me up and down as I walked closer to her, before she quietly said “Well thank you, here is your wife unharmed as promised.” before laying her on the ground near him with her tentacles.
“She is all your’s professor, I owe you one.” the man said before hurrying off with his wife into the night.
I stared down the pale maiden for a moment before noticing one of her giant white tentacles making a move for me. At this point, I had no chance of escaping so I let her coil her wet slimy tentacle around my waist before lifting me up to face her. Once I caught a glimpse of her amethyst eyes I said “You know you could have just asked someone to get me right? You didn’t have to kidnap someone to get my attention.”
She smiled at me before saying “I wanted to ensure that you came, I have also been hearing about you lately from groups of Monsters, and I wanted to see you for myself and see what makes you so special.”
“You caught me as I was relaxing for the evening away from home, what exactly did you want to see me about? Even though I have a feeling I know what that is.” I say looking down at her glowing white skin
She smiled again and said “You will see.” before locking her slick lips against mine and pulling me into the icy cold lake.
I struggled against her kiss, I really thought I was going to drown. As her breath filled my lungs I felt sensation over me that made the cold feeling in the lake go away. She broke her kiss but did not release the tentacle wrapped around me, I then looked up and noticed how deep down we were, and figured it was over for me.
The Kraken then swam up to me and whispered in my ear “Go on breathe it in.” be releasing me from her tentacles bind.
I looked up and went swimming up but ended up inhaling water, it felt like nails so I clutched my throat with my hands and struggled to get a level head to swim back up, and then I noticed that I wasn’t inhaling water I could breathe underwater now because of that Kraken’s kiss.
The sea-maiden coiled three of her massive tentacles around me before pulling me against her glowing white body before saying “Isn’t it nice to breathe underwater?” she asked while running her hand through my hair flowing in the water.
I was shocked, I had always wondered how men stayed with their sea maidens so long under the depths but now I knew. So I responded, “This is incredible, I had no idea this was possible.”
She then smiled at me and started to undress me before saying “You know what I want so give it to me.” lustfully in my ear.
“Alright, we can do that,” I replied watching her undress me completely. Even after completely naked the water felt so nice and even a tad warm, I guess her breath had other properties along with allowing me to breathe underwater.
“Good boy now lets’ head to the bottom.” she said to me as she pulled me down to the lake bed and laying me on the floor.
“I can’t see you miss,” I said looking around in the darkness for her.
“Don’t worry Professor you will see me soon.” she said as I noticed her glowing white body starting to fade into my vision.
I was shocked, I had to know how she was doing these things so I asked “Miss how can I see you now?”
She responded as she straddled me “My ink, it is special even more so in water, it can create a pure space of darkness that illuminates my body so all you can see and focus on is me.”
“I can see only you, it prevents intrusion from others I bet as well,” I said looking up at her.
She spread her tentacles and proceeded to start to ride me. Her insides felt just like a normal woman just that it felt like hundreds of small tentacles coil around my cock as she gently rode me.
“Mmm you are what they have said you are.” she said pulling my hands up to grab her pillowy soft breasts.
I was also confused about the things she was saying about the other Monsters talking about me, I had to ask about that as well. “What do you mean they are what they said I am?” I asked while gently panting as she rode me.
She smiled and continued to ride me before moaning deeply “Mmm I will tell you later after we finish here.”
I just leaned back against the lake bed and started to gently thrust under her body causing her to gasp a bit.
“Mmm god professor please cum in me, you can do it,” she said to me as she constricted my limbs with her tentacles
I had to comply with her request, the seconded she tightened up on me, and her suction cups stuck to my body it triggered and orgasm like no other causing me to flood her insides with warm gooey semen.
“Such a good boy professor.” she said whispering in my ear before kissing my lips and unsticking her body from mine.
I smiled and took in some deep breaths before saying “You were quite the experience too miss.”
“Call me Kura.” she said gently kissing my lips while wrapping her tentacles around me.
I put my arms around her and said: “Alright Kura, I should get going soon, my wife will be worried.”
She sighed slightly and pulled me up to the surface and tossed me to the edge of the lake “You better get to her then, here take your clothes too.”
I sighed, I could tell she wasn’t happy that I was leaving so soon so I told her “Hey Kura I am sorry I have to leave so soon, I can come back and see you though since I know you are staying nearby.”
A big smile grew on the Kraken’s face before saying “Alright professor, I have a gift for you to take home.”
I grabbed my clothes out of the water and put them on, breathing normal oxygen was quite rough after spending that time down underwater.
Kura handed me a small glass jar filled with what was safe to be her ink before saying “That stuff will make food taste really good and same with coffee.”
I placed the jar in my pocket before leaning down and gently kissing her lips gently and saying “Thank you Kura, I won’t be a stranger I promise.” then walking away.
“I’ll hold you to that professor, I’ll snatch up someone else if I think you haven’t visited me in a while.” she told me as I walked away before submerging herself back to the depths of the lake.
I walked back into town now freezing cold and making my way back into the town bar. “Hey, I made it back someone get me a cup of coffee please,” I said to the owner.
She smiled at me and said, “Alright since you saved that woman and it looks like you had to do some work with that maiden.”
“Yeah I had to but it helped me out since now my next lesson will be about her,” I said sitting down shivering at the counter.
A few minutes went by and the owner came back out with a dry pair of clothes and a blanket and said “Here professor warm up you look like you need it.” before handing me the items.
“Thank you, I needed this,” I said walking away into the bathroom in the back and quickly changing before coming out and seeing a hot cup of coffee on the counter. “Well, I might as well see how this tastes as well,” I added before pulling out the small jar container of Kraken Ink.
The Oni bartender looked at it and said “Well that should be good in there, I have had Kraken Ink Coffee a few times for you that should be a treat.” while I poured a bit into the coffee.
“Well let’s find out how good it is then,” I replied while taking a sip of the body warming coffee. The Kraken Ink gave the coffee a nice stronger flavor something I will be enjoying for a while. “It is very good, I will have to visit her again soon to get more,” I say with a smile finally now being able to relax for the night…
(Character in the photo by Kenkou Cross)
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Pretty nice, not that often that I see a Kraken story.
Oh, you finally managed to start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks during dialogue. I guess that’s worth a +1. Good for you. That said, I’ll be skipping all of the little grammar errors in favor of the more glaring issues that directly affected my experience, if only to keep me from highlighting something in every single sentence. Yes, your grammar is that bad.
—-These will be text copied from the piece—-
-These will mark my comments on the text
—-“I need some time to relax.”—-
-Well, fuck. Right out the gate. The MC doesn’t have to voice the fact that he needs time to relax. Show, don’t tell. That’s the worst kind of telling you can do: have a character outright state how he feels to nobody in particular, in public. It’s the laziest thing to do. You can instead describe his posture, how his eyelids are drooping, how heavy his footsteps feel, or something else to show the reader how tired or stressed he is. This kind of “show, don’t tell” problem can, without hyperbole, be seen throughout this entire piece.
—-She smiled at me before saying “Evening Professor.” and headed back to the bar to pick up an order.—-
-There needs to be a comma after “saying,” and the period at the end of her dialogue needs to be a comma, too. Since the dialogue does not complete the sentence, don’t end the dialogue itself with a comma. You go back and forth between almost-correct and completely incorrect punctuation throughout this piece, and it’s pretty jarring. Google yourself some dialogue punctuation, and procure better glasses for editing purposes.
—-Our towns bar is usually pretty quiet with only a few people who regularly show up. —-
-You’ve switched it to present tense in this paragraph. In the first sentence, it was “I said.” Now you’re saying, “Out town’s bar IS.” Then in the next paragraph you go back to “I said.” Pick a damn tense and stick with it. If you don’t understand what I mean by “tense,” then Google that shit.
—-It has four normal tables with two chairs at each, one larger table in the back with several seats around it used mostly for parties or groups, and the front of the bar just had 5 stools that looked over the midsize selection of drinks you can order.—-
-What is a “normal” table? And how does a drink selection qualify to be “midsize?” The normal for one person is most likely different for someone else. Never ever ever use “normal” or “midsize” to describe something. It’s lazy. And leave out “just” and “only” and other similar words. If someone’s reading this piece, they’ve probably been to a bar before and can tell that this is a little hole-in-the-wall from the fact that its bar has only five chairs. That’s tiny.
—-The Blue Oni who was the bartender and owner she was really nice but being an Oni she was a heavy drinker.—-
Was this from an ESL class? The grammar here was like hitting a speed bump at freeway speeds.
—-“Just a coffee please, black with extra sugar.”—-
Who drinks coffee- with extra sugar, no less- to relax? If he asked for decaf it might have made sense, but this just feels like a ham-fisted way to steer the dialogue where you want it to go (trying to convince her to have a drink with him). But we find out later that it’s evening, so why doesn’t he just go home and sleep if he’s so tired?
—-Besides thinking about how this was about to taste I thought about how high the price is going to be for such an aged drink. “How much is this going to cost me?”—-
-Don’t tell us what he’s thinking immediately before he voices those exact same thoughts. Redundancy is redundant, and redundancy murders any flow a story could have with its redundancy.
-As a general note, stop capitalizing centaur, blue oni, and other monster species names. Do you capitalize the H in “human?” No. It is not a proper noun and therefore does not require capitalization, unless every member of a given species in this world actually IS their exact species name.
—-a man charged in looking like he just ran for his life before making his way to the bar and starting asking the owner “W-W-Where is the Professor I need him, my wife was snatched up at the lake by a Monster and the Monster demanded to see me or else she won’t let her go.”—-
-Three things.
1. Don’t just breeze past important description. What do you mean when you say he ran for his life? Are his clothes ripped? Is he injured? Or is he just out of breath? Details, nigga.
2. If he’s approaching the owner, or even just talking to her, wouldn’t he see the professor? He’s sitting right there at the bar, isn’t he? And if the mystery man knows that the professor is the guy to speak to in such situations, wouldn’t he know what he looks like? We find out later that the kraken asked mysteryman to get the professor, in which case, how the hell did he know where to look?
3. Stop capitalizing the M in “monster.” Like I said, that shit don’t need no capitalization.
—-I sighed deeply and responded “I am right here, you said a Monster took your wife down by the lake and requested me.”—-
-I have ceased to care about this guy. He acts too “cool” and annoyed for his own good and I hate it. This is some Kirito-level shit. And why is he stating EXACTLY what just happened in the previous paragraph? He could’ve stopped talking at “here” and it would’ve flowed so much better. Redundancy is still redundant regardless of how redundant you are.
-Why the hell’s there a kraken in what I assume is a freshwater lake (we aren’t told otherwise)? I know the MC mentions that he hasn’t ever seen one in a lake, but that’s beside the point. This scene could easily have taken place in a coastal town, but nope. Freshwater kraken. Squad morale broken.
—-“I wanted to ensure that you came, I have also been hearing about you lately from groups of Monsters, and I wanted to see you for myself and see what makes you so special.”—-
-The whole thing about the kraken wanting to “make sure” he came is pretty dumb. So do I, because I’m not seeing it.The reader might’ve thought it was an emergency- a situation the professor might have to work to overcome or smooth talk his way out of. But nope. Just a booty call. For a moment there I was almost intrigued. Also, what DOES make him so special? Is it because he’s the main character? So, the kraken would rather fuck the married main character than a nameless married man she already had available due to the kidnapping? It’s so roundabout it hurts.
—-She broke her kiss but did not release the tentacle wrapped around me… The Kraken then swam up to me—-
-She’s either wrapping him up in her 10tacles or she isn’t. If she is, she can’t really swim up to him; she’s already there.
—-and then I noticed that I wasn’t inhaling water I could breathe underwater now because of that Kraken’s kiss.—-
-Oh. Thanks for that completely flat explanation. I was almost excited for his inevitable death. The thing is, he later says that he had no idea water-breathing via monster girl kisses was possible. So how the hell did he immediately (and correctly) know that it was the kiss that allowed him to suddenly breathe water? He’s the point-of-view character, so there is no way he could’ve outright told the reader what actually happened, because he did not have the knowledge at the time.
—-I had always wondered how men stayed with their sea maidens so long under the depths but now I knew.—-
-This kind of magic very clearly exists in this setting. How else did he think they did that? Water-breathing should be the first damn thing a professor of monsters should hypothesize about mermaids and the like, especially in a world where men are apparently kept underwater for long periods of time to fuck them. This guy is not smart. He just wanted people to call him “Professor” because it sounded cool.
-And then he just gives in and lets the kraken fuck him. I don’t know much about this guy, but didn’t he just refuse hot oni sex earlier because he’s married? Now he’s all, “D’oh, alright, I guess I can have sex with you or something.” If he believed he couldn’t get away, then that’s fine, but have him express that somehow. As it is, he’s really goddamn quick to become this kraken’s fuck toy.
—-it can create a pure space of darkness that illuminates my body so all you can see and focus on is me.”—-
-Alright, I’m game.
—-“I can see only you,”
-Thank you, captain fucking obvious, that is almost exactly what she just said. Christ, I bet this guy didn’t even graduate high school; he just got a participation ribbon.
—-She spread her tentacles and proceeded to start to ride me.—-
Being redundant by proceeding to do something and then starting the same thing is a redundant thing to do. She either proceeded to ride him, or started to ride him. Pick one.
—-Her insides felt just like a normal woman just that it felt like hundreds of small tentacles —-
Oh. Yeah. Y’know, like a human woman, except totally not. Why’s she fucking him, again?
—-I had to ask about that as well. “(asks about that as well)”—-
-Stop it.
—-I sighed, I could tell she wasn’t happy that I was leaving so soon so I told her “Hey Kura I am sorry I have to leave so soon…”—-
-I said stop it!
—-“That stuff will make food taste really good and same with coffee.”—-
-So, all types of food ever will taste better, but the only beverage it works with is coffee. That’s what I’m getting from this, and there are too many things wrong with that to list.
—-I placed the jar in my pocket before leaning down and gently kissing her lips gently.—-
-Oh, wow, how gentle is this guy? Are we talking 2(gentle) or 2^gentle, here? And again, isn’t he married?
—-“Yeah I had to but it helped me out since now my next lesson will be about her,”—-
-Sure, buddy. You just had to fuck a kraken on today of all days, with your next subject just-so-happening to be krakens, even though you had no idea one lived in that lake. Soooo convenient. Could this guy please have a bad week? Just one? No monster girl fucking, no strangely respectful townsfolk, just a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’d to read that.
—-The Kraken Ink gave the coffee a nice stronger flavor—-
-Stronger how? Silky? Mocha-y? Details, nigga. Don’t throw away the damn title on a few lazy sentences.
We never did find out what was so “special” about him. Do “orgasms like no other” give him short-term memory loss or something? And why does he have to be special, anyway? From what I’ve seen, he really isn’t. So far, the only reason this story has to be told from his point of view is because he gets all the monster pussy for no adequately explained reason. I like adequately explained things in fiction.
Try addressing some of these problems. And don’t just respond with one of your patented “Thanks, TB” responses, either. That’s just a punch in the face.
>That’s just a punch in the face.
Well that’s exactly what you need to be a less edgy.
Still mad.
no, I calls em as I sees em. I blame iron chef and other exaggarated criticism from overblown TV faggots.
This guy even spurns a thank you. You know it. Admit it.
It’s the “thanks (but I” not going to make any effort to discuss this with you, for whatever reason, so take my thanks and be grateful)” attitude that’s the issue.
You’re just being a cunt to someone who tried to help you.