Little Monster Miracle Handbook sidestory: Balase makes 103

It was looking to be a warm day. Though the season wasn’t summer yet, spring had been hot enough that Fubuki refused to go outside of her new room, a walk-in fridge bought from a weird merchant from another world named Nerana and converted to living quarters. She taught the children through an enchanted screen while a Praxian Ureonggaksi named Pilfy looked after them as a summer job. You had worked up a sweat dodging Katy, who was very active and triply amorous in this warm weather. You could only hope that the lock on your new quarters would hold. Your old room and the surrounding section of the orphanage had been condemned due to unintended consequences of Katy’s habit to call in workmen and then occupy their time differently.

The demolition and rebuild were worth it though, even if gathering the funding had been a nightmare before the donations from Praxis, Nerana and Ithus had come in. The new medical clinic in particular was a welcome addition, though a permanent doctor was not yet procured and the Witches currently filling in talked like old ladies when they thought no-one was listening. Quite disturbing, but as you went in for your weekly check-up, you found the clinic quite devoid of Witches. Instead, three familiar girls and a cute boy are present, the latter getting a thorough examination with a magnifying lens. “Now Aered, we’s gonna check you good. Maybe we can see what makes you so kewt?” Emmy and Metala nodded in agreement. Then they notice you and you swear poor Aerdayasêr looks relieved.

“Mister Abo Minous~! Whatcha doing here?” Rukia exclaims as they give you a quick hug. “Granny Bala an’ the big girls is waiting in the classroom.” Emmy grabs your shirt then and takes you to the door with a whispered injunction. “You need t’hurry mr. Anon, they’re in the big room.” Gently patting her head you make your way to the big auditorium that has more space for the larger children to move around in. It is dark inside, except for a ghostly flame  dancing in the far reaches. You call out, but get no response, so you move to the switch in the hopes of shedding some light on the situation. But then your foot catches on something and you find yourself hoisted into the air upside down before you know what happened. “Got him~!” A cheerful, if mostly boisterous voice calls out. “Hey, Májestè, hit the lights, will ya?!” Moments later you grunt as the lights banish the darkness. 

Spots dance before your eyes, but you make out a loop of very tough spidersilk around your feet. It passes a knot that could moor a ship and eventually terminates in the grip of a very large hand. Right next to it is a mass of unruly hair from which an upside down grin and two eyes are aimed at you. “Very well done Rangeena, now please lower him gently to the floor and come down there yourself.” The new speaker has a soft, gentle voice that sounds a little young for all the age evident in her tone. En route to the ground your ears burn red with several amused giggles. Then you are quickly set upright again and steadied while your legs sort themselves out. “He wobbles like dadd’m when he goes ashore.” A snort followed that comment. “You said it, I mean… He isn’t getting away from a Shongororo like that.” A rich chuckle from your side cut into this evaluation.

“Girls, he’s standing on his own. After a trap like that that is pretty good. Now then, mr. Anon?” You look down at the voice and spot a youthful face with faint lines, shoulder length brown hair that has several small braids in it and two no-nonsense horns. “I’m mrs. Stock-LaMont, but call me Balase or Granny, most people do. I’m here today, as promised by letter, to teach you a few things about some of the more…” She waved a paw through the air. “Exotic species of Praxian children you might find in the orphanage one day.” A crash denoted Rangeena’s arrival. “Thaaaaat’s riight~! Booya!” You note with interest that while definitely large, she’s still a little girl, but one that has an exotic spider-like lower body. Balase chuckled, drawing your attention back to her. “Now I heard about what happened when Eihy and Alyssum had their visits, so I had a word with Katy to nip any… issues in the bud.” A slightly mischievous smile flashes for a second, then she gives you a serious look.

“Make no mistake, I could and would go on a rampage at need. But I don’t want to. Nor do I want to fix everyone with a nappy.” She shakes her head. “Take a seat and I’ll call the girls to the front for a little exposition on their species. You know the drill, but pay close attention.” When you are comfortable and she’s taken up position behind a lectern that should be nearly double her size, she calls forth Májestè. A girl wearing a sailor’s outfit walks forward, one hand in what seems to be a bag of holding. Her arms and legs seem to have ornamental fluting and she has a slightly rolling gait more common to sailors than anything else. Balase cleared her throat. “Now, appearances can be deceiving. You may be thinking that Májestè is just a cute and small mamonme girl. Truth is, we couldn’t fit all of her into this large classroom if we tried.” She raises one digit at your slightly skeptical look. “She is in fact a Phantom Ship, the largest known species of mamonme on Praxis. But I’ve found a work-around. Her actual body is in that bag of holding and she’s a fairsized schooner.”

Májestè nodded, having Rangeena help to hold the bag open. Inside, you see that her hand is clamped onto the main mast. “Phantom Ships come in all shapes and sizes, but you have to understand that they aren’t just the figurehead. The whole ship is their body, but their figureheads are compatible enough to interact with humans. They also reflect their age.” Balase gave a pointed look at the hand in the bag. “If you ever have to care for one then please take care not to take their ‘small’ form from the ship itself on a lengthy trip. A shopping spree at the docks is fine but if they separate too long then the consequences are deadly. Special care has to be taken with her ship form as well, your daughter might not want you to walk here or there, or touch this or that.” Májestè blushed, then nodded, speaking up clearly. “You’d better believe it. It’s not fun when someone stomps all over your bladder, or pokes into your cargo bay… Or…” She blushed furiously.

“Yeah honey, let’s leave it at that.” Balase looked slightly embarrassed. “As I said, the whole ship is their body, so figuring out what bits you need to avoid touching is a good idea. In terms of food? They won’t eat the things you do, but spiritus and materials for ship repair apparently provide sustenance. A married Phantom Ship can upgrade herself with spiritus alone. But a child can’t. And she will need some special care. Sailing lessons, a wide but calm bay and selecting anchors are definitely needed, being uhmm….” She scratched one fuzzy ear thoughtfully. “Like swimming lessons, a safe bed and shoes maybe? While she won’t catch the measles or hoofzits, a responsible parent will see to it that their Phantom Ship daughter is regularly de-barnacled and kept free of termites and such.” Balase nods to herself, referring to some internal memo. 

“Making friends is easy, at least with those that aren’t afraid of water, or present some kind of danger. But getting a Phantom Ship to attend inland activities….” Májestè sighed, looking sad as she picked up the line. “Its a hassle. I have to put most of myself in a bag of holding and pray to Lady Eiraiha the magic doesn’t fail. So I kinda hang with sea mamonme and mermaids.” She turned to Rangeena. “Its worth it when meeting new friends though.” Balase nodded in response. “Careerwise, a Phantom Ship has a wide range of opportunities. As long as they can be done onboard. Many of them work as mercantile vessels, pirate ships, ferries, salvage ships and so on. But I know of at least three whom respectively have a printinghouse, dojo and orphanage to run. Anyhoofs, on to our next girl.” Balase shook her head at Rangeena, telling her to wait just a bit more. She then looked to the rafters and shouted: “Heeeeeeyyyoooo~! Calliste, get your fuzzy behind down here.” A loud yawn came from above, followed by a girl fluttering down on white wings to land on fuzzy legs reminiscent of a moth.

She looked rather sleepy and slightly miffed, but did her best to present herself neatly. On her head a traditional, if white and bedecked with charms, Witch’s hat rested. She carried a small doll in the crook of one arm that resembled a hedgehog. “‘Allo monseigneur, mme. Stock-LaMont will handle the technical detail. But I would like to have a look at the finances of you-er orphelinat later. Its ain agreement I made with mme. Wayfarer.” Calliste got a swat on her rump then. “Keep it relevant, girl. He’s here to learn about your species. Miss Katy is the one who will let you look at the records. Later!” Balase harrumphed as she returned to the stand. “I’d have liked a little more time to prepare, but Calliste was added to our little group kind of at the last minute so I have to do this on the fly. She is a White Witch, a kind of moth-like mamonme who can be found in many different places on Praxis. Basically, if they can find food somewhere, they’ll live there.”

“They are kind of stealthy and take a while to open up to you. One particularly silly fella didn’t meet his wife until eighteen months after she moved into his house.” She grinned and Calliste smirked. “Oui, maman said it was fun, but mon pere was onto her quite swiftly… A little too. Its a game, I hope to play it one day.” She tittered behind her hand and the others joined in. Balase resumed: “As a parent, you should lay down a rule that your daughter comes to you when you say a certain phrase. And you need to be careful how you touch her. White Witches have rather sensitive skin and grabbing her wings? That’s kind of like groping them. They can’t bathe easily, but keeping clean is relatively easy.” She plucked at a tuft of fuzz on the girl’s thigh. “This moth-fuzz is especially good at self-cleaning. Now, you might think that they are magicians based on the name.” She shook her head.

“White Witches can learn magic, and be good at it, but they’re better mathemagicians and voodoo-economists. Your daughter will like doing sums, learning about calculating odds and so on, so a math-heavy education is a good idea. But…” Calliste tsk’d. “Oui, oui. Its a bit more work for us. We are nocturnal. Its why I am sleepy.” Balase nodded, rolling her shoulders. “There are schools available though. But in terms of careers they can and will do almost anything if there’s something they can put their brains to. But the home economics? Once they have a husband, he’s barred from the accounting books and glad of it.” Calliste shook her head. “Non! Maman says papa needs to learn. He is an artiste and not good at math, but he is improving. Maman has an observatory and papa has his gallerié at ground level.” Balase sighed. “They do make friends, thanks to their gentle nature and their rumored luckiness. They mostly eat flowers, nectar and once adult, mead. But they like honey and spiritus too, don’t you doubt.”

Calliste smiled again, with a tip of her hat and Balase returned the smile with a little wave. “Next, we’ll have Rangeena. Gently step front and center please.” You barely dodge out of the way as the spidery girl ululates joyously and charges into your seat as she misjudged the distance. “Ooops… Dang, they don’t make these seats sturdy enough, or the floors rough enough.” She picks up one fragment of the chair before dropping it and assuming a very dejected pose. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to-” Her voice eeped as magic lifted her up and a spell restored the seating. “Please listen next time! Rangeena, you are a strong girl so you need to be more careful.” Balase gingerly returned her to the ground. “No matter, Granny’s got your back. But the next one is coming out of your allowance!” Rangeena nodded again, very carefully huddling on the floor and muttering. “Can’t help it, slippery floor…”

Balase floated over and patted her on the shoulder before resuming her exposition. “Rangeena is a very chipper example of a Praxian Ushi-Oni, one of the more misunderstood species of mamonme. Back in the days of monsters, they were kind of like living siege weapons in service to the Demon Lords and that reputation has kind of stuck to them even to the present day. Kiddo, could you please stand up and turn around a bit? Sulking isn’t becoming of a cute Ushi.” Rangeena sniffed, but did as requested, showing armored legs and a spiked abdomen on her lower body. Grey skin, large arms and developing horns featured on her humanoid torso, which was very muscular already, if still cutely girlish. “As you can see, they are a little different from your local variety, which has some bear mixed in, who knows why?. They might be related to the Ithusian variant, but we’re still researching that.”

Balase pondered for a moment. “I should say that since the Great Changing, Ushi-Oni have changed quite a bit. They became more gentle and more fierce. Gentle when with family and friends and incredibly fierce when defending the same. They tend to be a bit boisterous too.” She winked at Rangeena, who grinned. “Yup, I ain’t a wallflower.” She pumped her arms. “Woot~! Hey Calliste, lets show him our combo~!” Calliste shook her head lightly before jumping up onto Rangeena’s abdomen with a chuckle and drawing an arrow along a bow, both imaginary. “Back in our bayou we go hunting together sometimes. Its fun, ‘cause she’s a good shot.” Both grinned, but then Balase cut in. “I’ll bet. But more on that later. Taking care of an Ushi-Oni is not as hard as it looks, really. But I’d recommend wearing some protection if playing with your daughter. And don’t bother with expensive furniture.”

“They don’t really know their own strength, but they will be considerate of those weaker than them. Not without some comments though. Expect to be up and about a lot as your daughter will love to play in nature. Ushi-Oni are natural survivalists who love pushing themselves to their physical limits. And while omnivorous, they prefer meat, especially if they can help catch it.” Balase laughed aloud. “They are fine cooks if considered by campfire cooking standards. But really, they excel in any profession that allows them to use their physical strength. But don’t discount their brains though. Most of them aren’t good at magic and need specially adapted gear for finicky things like writing. But Rangeena has some talent in medicine and an interest in architecture. Her family runs a quarry near the observatory of Calliste’s parents and both edge on a swamp. A nice swamp, which has some interesting plants in it as well.”

She goes on to detail some of the medicinal properties of swamp lilies and the like, before blushing in embarrassment. “Skribblelits! Argh! Back to topic!” She waved her tri-digit paws. “Ushi-Oni do have a little trouble making friends, Shongororo and Ureonggaksi tend to be a bit frightened by their loud greetings at first and sometimes humans think of them as bogeygirls. But once they get to know them, few would refuse friendship with an Ushi-Oni. Uhm… I should note that school can be a bit problematic. Ushi-Oni get agitated if they sit still too long without something to do. So its best  to look for a school that has some experience, or get the book ‘Making your place Ushi-Oni proof’ and the companion volume ‘Debunking Ushi-Oni misunderstandings’.” A twinkle of magic later and both volumes drop into your waiting arms.

“And now, for a little mystery. Lysl, come forward please.” You note with surprise that a young, but adult Ureonggaksi shuffles forward then. “Hi, I’m Lysl. Granny asked me to come along to show you the newest species of mamonme on Praxis.” She gingerly undoes the large shellpack on her back and puts it down. Inside, it is decorated in a manner similar to a baby’s room and Lysl extracts two tiny little girls from it. At a first glance they seem to be Ureonggaksi, but then you note a lack of secondary eyes and instead spot four facial tentacles. “These are my little girls, well… two of them. Whelky and Pinã. They are what we call Ruanggaksi. Aunt Licci and cousin Rukia came up with the name. Basically, that means shock-shell-snail and their species didn’t exist until last year.”

She hands Pinã to Balase before presenting Whelky, who wakes up and regards you with slight curiosity. “I was on a quest with friends of mine, we visited another world where we met two species of big snails. One of them broke into my shell and laid her eggs there.” Her eyestalks peer down and she blushes. “A few jars of my purple special broke when Ulurin showed her the door. And the result of those eggs being bathed in the special, well, that’s my little babies.” She happily nuzzles Whelky, who coos. “I was a little worried at first since they seemed apathetic and a little dull, but then we found out that they eat electricity. You know, the stuff they make lightning of.” You gently reach over to the girl and ruffle her hair, asking Lysl if you can hold her, when Whelky grips your arm with surprising strength and her tentacles clamp onto your watch. “Oopsie.” You reflect later that getting new batteries isn’t much of a bother.

Balase chuckles as she resumes. “I don’t yet know what careers they’ll have, but they are friendly enough. And they probably will have the same issues with the footcare and all as Ureonggaksi do.” She is temporarily unable to speak as Pinã grabs her lip and makes a whining sound. A small zap of electricity later and the girl is rumbling happily. “They do have a jealous streak when it comes to electricity. Anyway, that is just about it for today, I think.” Lysl shook her head even as she replaced her daughters. “Granny! Really, how can you say that? You haven’t told him about yourself.” Balase pouts with a put-upon look on her face. “Sheesh Lysl, I wasn’t planning to.” You chime in that you are interested though and the others agree. “Alright-alright. Okay, sheesh, what’s a poor lil’ Granny to do?” She preens a little though.

“Okay, I’m an Ithusian Baphomet. Basically, a magic beast mamonme with immense magical and physical strength. I’ll skip the bad old days, bar that we’ve always been top-tier monsters. If you are lucky enough to care for a Baphomet, then you need to apply yourself as we’re smart and bossy. Though not to the degree of a Wendy. We’re also kind of drawn to Sabbath. I think your world has a similar organisation. But I like to think I’m a bit more mellow since my family is packing beef on their chests.” She presents her paw-like hands. “See these? Basically they are like your thumbs, fully opposable and definitely capable of magic, surgery and the lot. Baphomets do make friends easily, though we tend towards alpha personalities, leaders and not followers. We’re kind of childish and like our father to spoil us a little.”

“Education is a must, especially magical schooling.” She nibbles one claw for a moment. “But we soak up knowledge and thereby have access to almost any career. As long as it doesn’t have a height requirement or places us under a boss. Politician, mage, priestess… erh… maybe not the latter. But scientist, doctor and teacher are common enough vocations. How’d you like the new clinic by the way? My girls are all trained superbly.” You reply that the Witches seem capable, though they also seem a little old to be called girls. “Hahahaah~! Yeah, my chapter is called Granny’s Sabbath for a reason. Anyway, it is a good idea to protect yourself against tantrums when dealing with a Baphomet. Ithusian ones also have… one weird feature of note. Due to our connection to the Demon Lord, we’re kind of badly influenced by DE. Resulting in rather weird hobbies and fetishes.” Lysl nodded sagely as she chimes in. “Granny isn’t kidding about being strong though. She singlehandedly slew a maniacal God.” Balase shook her head. “I just finished him off, your uncle and the others had put in a lot of effort before.”

Lysl laughed aloud and waggled a finger. “False modesty, Granny? Anyway, we have taken up a lot of mr. Anon’s time, maybe we should go do these other things so he can get on with his work?” Several hours later you are surprised to find Fubuki outside her room, cursing a blue streak as she is calling for a technician. “Hey Anon, those snails got into the generator! Weren’t you supposed to be watching them?” You reply that you hadn’t seen them for a while until you were called again to say goodbye. And you ask Fubuki if she’s seen Katy. “Huh? No, but who is that on your back?” You chuckle and say the little Echidna on your back was left in a basket at the front gate. She seems a little clingy. Fubuki narrows her eyes and casts a dispelling charm. When you come to in the clinic, the little Echidna is gone and Katy is busy paddling Fubuki. “Do you know what I had to do to get that spell cast on me? I wanted Anon to see how cute I was as a kid! Consider yourself in hot water!” As you close your eyes and pray for oblivious sleep to claim you, you can’t help but wonder why every visit from Praxis seems to bring some issues.

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