Lich Part 5

**Perspective Change to Sam**

Jesus christ, she’s been asking me pizza questions for the last half an hour. It’s five o’ clock in the morning. I have homework to do. I sigh deeply. At least she isn’t trying to flash me those… I hesitate to even call them underwear, considering I’ve seen more revealing shorts on men, honestly. …I mean, they’re tight, at least, but honestly, they’re only one step up from bloomers.

I’m interrupted from my musing on a five-hundred year old woman’s choice of underwear by another inane question about tomato sauce or some shit. I don’t even know any more, and I’m starting to get pissed off. I’m happy she really likes what I introduced her to, but I just need to fucking sleep. Does she even sleep? …She probably doesn’t. I could be here all day and she wouldn’t even notice. Kill me. Please, please, just fucking-


An entire row of books noisily tumble to the floor, and I turn, and I see… well, I wouldn’t call her a witch exactly… She looks like the average, forgettable sorority girl, wearing a pi sigma lambda shirt, but… well, she’s wearing a witch’s hat and cape that look like they came from the dollar store, and on top of that, it looks like her broom is plastic.

She tugs her overlong cape free of the pile of books, looking between them and Liz in alarm a few times, hugging a heavy tome to her chest.

“Ahaha… I-I’lljustseemyselfoutthen-”


The girl falls to the floor when the broom she’s desperately trying to mount flies out from underneath her and into the lich’s hand.

“And what, precisely, do you think you’re doing, young lady?”

The girl squeaks, shaking uncontrollably and clutching the book tightly to her chest as Liz walks up to her.

“I.. uh… Eeeh… I thought… I mean, b-but… And… I… u-uh…” She looks desperately around the library, her eyes finally settling on me. “I-I was trying to spy on, uh… him? H-he’s preeeeetty cute… aha… ha… ha…” She quickly skitters over to me, sitting on my lap and locking eyes with me, whispering “OhgodohgodpleasehelpmeIdon’twannadieIthoughtitwasjustaprankandohgodshe’sgoingtokillme”

I have to stop myself from sniggering as the girl clings to me, sweating profusely.

“H-heeeeey, big boy… D-d’you wanna come back to my dorm? Me and some of the girls picked up some pumpkin spice condoms last week… eheh… W-we could uh, t-try themoutifyouwanted?”

NO.”  The room suddenly becomes subtly darker and Liz strides over, pointing an accusing finger at her. “That is mine. Now get off. …And give me that book, too.”

She snatches the tome away from the girl, who’s taken a sudden interest in her own boots. “And are you, young witch, the reason my books have been going missing?” The lich sits down on my lap and crosses her arms, giving her a hard look.

“N-no! No, I didn’t… I don’t know where the other ones are, they just asked me to get-” The witch slaps her hands over her mouth and what passes for a grin lights up Liz’s face.

“Ooooooh? So I suppose a group of other witches put you up to this? Like, oh, for example, the pi sigma lambda sorority?”

The girl lets out an uncomfortable whine as she continues. “You know, I could get you out of that awkward situation you’re stuck in. Like, for example, I could just get you riiiiight out of the school. Expel, you might say.”

“P-please don’t! I-I haven’t even gotten laid yet! I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry!”

“Then take me to your damned coven virgin then! I won’t be playing games with my books.”

“U-uh, she’s not really a… I-I mean, she’s more of a, well… Dame Habonde…”

“I don’t care what a woman who enchants plastic brooms calls herself. Bring me to her.

I pull Liz over. “Wait, there’s witches on campus?”

“Oh, barely. The girl’s broom is enchanted, but knowing this ‘coven’, I’d be willing to bet that’s the best they can do. Now come on, boy, we have a party to crash.”


This is my Saturday we’re cutting into now. I’ve been in this sorority house for five seconds, and I already wish I was at home sleeping. My feet hurt. The music is too loud.

I look around, finding the massive sound system, blasting Britney Spears, being used as a table for a bowl of… coffee? Looking around a bit more, I think I can figure out what it is. There’s pumpkin spice… well, everything. Pie, coffee, vodka, and there’s- huh. I guess that girl we caught wasn’t lying about the condoms thing.

Elisabeth clears her throat and the whole room stops. Some of them, dressed in robes, looked like they had actually been doing something, even if they were holding plastic cups in one hand. The rest of the ‘witches’ were in various states of dress and undress, and one, wearing nothing but a pair of ugg boots and a pointy hat, ran off on seeing the three of us standing by the door. The only sound in the room is a TV playing one of the Harry Potter movies.

I see a hat that looks more like a traffic cone than anything else making its way through the crowd, and before long, a woman with a pisces tattoo on her stomach pops out of the mass of people.

“Alright girls! Keep going! We’ve really gotta summon Bacchus this esbat and get a piece of that big, hard magic!” The girl leans in, whispering to Liz. “How did you, like, break our protective barrier?”

“What? You drew a star on the door in orange chalk. Were you trying to do magic?”

“But we sacrificed a whole latte on that door!”

“…Blood. For god’s sake, that takes blood. I’m a necromancer and I know that.”

“Like, eww… Besides, none of the girls are on their period anyway.”

The lich clenches a fist, then sighs. “I’m not here to discuss magic with a talentless child. Your ‘witches’ have been stealing my books. I caught this one in the act.”

“Whaaaaaaat? Nah, doc, that’s cray. Like, why would we even, like, steal your books? Anyway, who’s this hot piece of dick? I’m Britney, by the way, but you can call me bae.” The girl says, winking to me.

“Uh, I’m-”

“My belonging, so step off.

I nearly jump straight in the air when Liz grabs my ass protectively and steps forward.

“Like, what the fuck’s your problem? Aren’t you, like… way too old for him?”

Liz clenches her fist and a purple glow fills the room. Britney’s cup slowly floats out of her hand, then suddenly implodes, making several girls jump at the sound of the plastic being crushed.

That’s none of your damned business, girl. Why don’t we talk about my phylactery instead of your insatiable hunger for penis, hmm?

“Like, ugh. I don’t even know anything about your pie factory or whatever. Just… stop it, you’re scaring everyone… a-and you’re gonna ruin the party…”

Fetch me my books, then.

When the girl scurries off, Liz turns away in a huff to stare at the TV, her hand still soundly in my back pocket.

“Uh, Liz? You’re still, er…”

Shut-” She clears her throat and pulls her hand away. “Shut up. If she doesn’t… Sam, have you seen my phylactery anywhere, then?”

“Uhhh… W-what’s it look like?” She got really pissed at that girl for not knowing what it was, so maybe I won’t test my luck and ask…

“A leather-bound book, it should have my name on it. …I don’t feel anything wrong, but I need to make sure nothing’s happened to it.”

The girl who led us in nervously plays with her hat, staring at us awkwardly a moment before she continues.

“U-um, did you want to-”

We’re interrupted by a chorus of girls in robes chanting loudly over some obnoxious pop music. They have a milkshake at each of the points of a pentagram and are spinning a bottle in the centre.

Liz floats over to the crowd, curious. “What are you doing?”

“This is like, a totally sweet ritual to summon this ancient vampire hottie that Britney showed us. Oh! It’s me! Uhh… dare! No, truth!”

“‘Kay… You know that hot guy Caden? You ever fantasized about, like, sucking that massive stallion cock of his?”

“Oh yeah! I would totally fuck the shit out of that stud!”

“Yeah I hear his roommate is a total fuccboi tho.” The rest of the witches giggle amongst themselves.

Elizabeth snorted, looking over at me with the closest to a grin she could muster without needing to move her face. Goddammit. At least they don’t know it’s me personally, I guess.

“Yes, I’m sure he wouldn’t know a girl if one broke his legs, but… were you saying this was magic?

“Yeah, like, the milkshakes are the summoning foci, ‘cause like, you know…”

“That’s not… For god’s sake who- I don’t even want to say taught, but… Do you even know how to do magic?”

“Like, if you’re so good, then, how should we do magic?”

“Kill yourself.”

The witches gasp, looking back and forth between each other, looking uncertain.


“Kill yourself. You’re not going to do anything spectacular if you’re still human, even if you know what you’re doing. Why do you think old Dr. Grey doesn’t have my good looks? She’s still alive.”

One girl looks like she’s about to cry while another makes an uncomfortable whine. They all look absolutely petrified at what Liz just said.

“I-I don’t wanna die… I… I didn’t even-! U-uh… Kate, don’t be mad, b-but I love you! I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry-!”

The entire group spins into disarray as one of the panicking girls desperately tries to kiss another one of the witches, the rest looking like they’re in the middle of some kind of existential dread.

“Well, best of luck with that. Have fun with your, er… ritual.

Elisabeth guides us back to the couch and smugly sits on my lap, waiting for Britney to bring the books back.


I stretch my back, tumbling off the cou- wait, what? Did I fall asleep? It looks like I’m back in the library, but where’s-


“Excuse me, but I believe you’ll find I’m a lich. See?” Liz shoves my face into her chest and suffocates me. “Did you sleep well? It’s nearly evening again.”

“Mmprhrpmph mmmph.”
“Hmm? What’s wrong, am I raising something other than the dead~?”

I’d be enjoying this a lot more if I wasn’t being pressed against at least four layers of clothing and her the chain from her pocket-watch. I nearly put out my eye with one of her waistcoat buttons trying to look up at her, but I finally manage it.

“Liz, come on, I just woke up, stop joking ar-”

“Come now, boy, is it really that bad? I could see how you were looking at those girls~”

I sigh. Goddammit.

“…Did you find the… uh… phylamhmm?” I ask, slurring the end of the word in the vain hope she won’t notice I forgot what it’s called.

“No, they didn’t have it, so it must be around here somewhere. Would you be a dear and help me look?”

“Well, where do you figure it’s going to be?”

She gestures broadly at the entire library before looking back to me.

“It’s… probably in biographies? It might be in manuscripts too… Wait, maybe quotations? Potential for ‘other Germanic literature’ as well… Aha…”

Well-done, Sam. Looks like we’re not getting to go back to the dorm today.


We’ve been looking for an hour and I never want to read a book title again. We’re in the Germanic language section, too, so I don’t even know what any of these say. I sit down on a ladder and rub my sore eyes, looking over to Liz, who’s looking through ‘V’ for ‘Vries.’

She seems like she’s getting pretty comfortable with having me around. Should I… ask about the flirting? I mean, it seems pretty obvious, but the last time, she accused me of necrophilia… Thinking about the alternative of having to get back to work, I decide I might as well.

“So, uh, Liz…”


Dammit, I really should have thought about what I was going to say. Uhh…

“So, h-how about when you grabbed my butt, eh?”

She turns to look at me over her reading glasses. I know she can’t help it, but that dead stare with no feedback make me a little nervous, asking about this.

“Yes, what about it?”


“Well, uh, you surprised me a little, there. Didn’t really see that one coming, aha… ha…”

“I suppose I might have. Sorry, but you really do need to be firm with those girls, or they won’t learn.”

She pulls her long skirt up a little to squat down, exposing her ankles before turning away to keep looking.

Wait, that’s it? Conversation over? I mean, she was definitely hitting on me with the boobs thing this morning. Wasn’t she? I guess she likes to mess with people, so could it be that-

“Alright, it’s not here either. Do you need a break for food? People get hungry around now, don’t they?”

Thinking about it, it’s been a very long time since I’ve eaten, hasn’t it?

“Uh, sure. What did you want to-”

“I was thinking we could have some more of that…”

She looks like she’s thinking really hard about something.


She stays quiet, staring into space, but starts idly twirling her hair around her finger.

“…Are you… doing okay?”

When I put a hand on her shoulder, she jumps, looking confused for a moment before continuing.


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