If Monster Girls Took Over the World…(Chapter 3)

Chapter 3: Harness the Dodge Force! Dodoji Ramu!

As the days went on and monster girls continued to spread their influence across Earth, people began to discover more about these strange powers. Some were able to access these abilities and use them to great effect, while others still tried and failed to contain the tide of monster girl loving. Even still, not everyone resisted their advance, and some even personally sought them out…

>Be stocky black man
>Code Name: Rem
>The Bitchy Sage
>Fusion of Rem(Re:zero) and Rick Ross(Huh!)
>Currently barricaded in dorm room, watching the news
>Within the past few days, monster girls have become a real thing
>Louisiana has become a Dark Demon Realm
>Undead Union and Confederate Soldiers are fighting in old Civil War battlefields over access to cock
>Undead Presidents are amassing armies to deal with the whatever bullshit they’ve seen the nation slip into
>Across the lake in Europe…absolute chaos
>The Vatican is currently drowning angelic monster girls
>Romania’s government is slowly being subverted by Vampires
>The United Kingdom is overrun with all kinds of fucking dragons, goblins and Redcaps
>The Middle East and North Africa…just full of nope
>And now, a floating dick has been spotted around major landmarks in Canada
>Everything is just absolutely fucking weird now
>Then there’s your own situation
>Your Resident Assistant (RA) has turned into an Ogre and has then proceed to turn the rest of the girls’ side of the floor into Ogres as well
>Self-preservation kicked in and you made a decision
>Steal your roommate’s key, break the locks of every other door in your suite and barricade the door
>Spent many nights listening to the anguished cries of your suite mates
>Meh, better them than you, right?
>That barricade is not gonna hold forever, though…
>Begin making plans for your escape
>You know you’re not gonna be able to avoid getting fucked by a monster girl, but you’re damn well gonna choose which one gets your dick
>Two local zoos are in the area
>At least one of them has a Monitor Lizard pen
>For some reason, you believe that the Monitor lizards will become fucking dragons
>Dragons are fucking lit
>You only hope that you’ll be able to find an unclaimed one
>Dragons do have high standards…
>Even if a pure Dragon is not necessarily your cup of tea, it’s better than nothing
>You should be able to break her out of her haughty bitching real quick
>You are the Bitchy Sage, after all…
>Equip black and white tracksuit, hard ass ruler and water skin
>Turn tie into headband
>It’s time to fucking go
>Someone’s banging on the door
>”Come on Rem! You can’t hide from us forever!”
>”Yeah Rem! All the other dicks are broke!”
>”Besides, your black! You probably have a big and sturdy one!”
>Fucking whores
>”Nah, girls. The Bitchy Sage is off limits! I’m out this shit hole!”
>You hear them mumbling about your title as you chuck your mini fridge out the window
>You’re unsure how you were able to that, in all honesty
>Chorus of shocked yells come from the other side of the door
>Banging against the door becomes louder and more forceful
>Make dynamic exit from the window
>Stick the landing somehow
>Alright, it’s time go make a break for the Zoo
>Awkwardly hop over fence and make your way up the street

-Sometime Later-
>Wew lad
>After hours of ducking, dodging and charging through bullshit, you’ve made it
>And it’s an absolute fucking Clown Fiesta
>Massive fucking orgy at the gates
>Harpies, Jinkos, Lion girls, Lizardmen, Lamias and god knows what else are raping people everywhere
>Let whatever deities are listening protect your pelvis
>Make your way through the fucking debauchery
>You have to walk on your the tips of your toes to avoid stepping someone’s splodge
>You get some sideways glances from a few non-fucked monster girls, but they seem more interested in watching the multiple sex encounters take place
>This is literally the worse fucking thing ever
>Draw your ruler and look behind you
>Find some dude waving at you to come closer
>Your face scrunches up
>That looks a little sus…
>Almost immediately, the dude is dived bombed by more harpies
>Fucking hell, that dude got wrecked
>Best you keep trying find the lizard area…

-Later at the Lizard Pen-
>Fuck fuck fuckity fucking hell
>Not a damn monitor lizard any fucking where
>Which means there;s not a damn dragon anywhere either
>To add insult to injury, a troop of Kakuens have followed you and now surround all your exits
>Their leader, red and black furred Kakuen calling herself Seiten is talking to you
>She has the biggest tits and ass out of all them
>Especially on the ass part
>”Alright cutie, here’s how it goes: You give up and let me have my way with you, or you resist and then after I’m done with you, the rest of my troop gets a go at you…”
>Her cronies start laughing their asses of
>Fuck, this is bad
>You have an idea, but you know it’ll probably fail
>Better than nothing!
>”Hey…how about you and me have a fight yeah?”
>The Kakuen stares at you before breaking out into massive fit of laughter
>”HAHAHAHA!!! Oh, your a funny one. I think that’s you choosing the hard way, yes?”
>The Kakuen launches toward you
>You pull out your ruler and smack her right in the head
>She grabs her head and reals back before looking at you
>”Oh you little….now I’m going to ride you rough!”
>Her tail smacks the ruler out of your hand
>It falls in the lizard pen, out of your reach
>Oh noes, it’s over fam
>Suddenly, a strange presence comes over you
>That’s it! Roll!
>As the Kakuen reaches for you again, you perform a dodge roll right under her.
>She’s absolutely shocked
>”What? How did you…fuck it, get him girls!”
>The Troop of Kakuens charges at you, but you feel absolutely calm with this strange presence radiating within you
>Dodge Roll, dodge roll, dodge roll!
>Not matter how they try, your dodge rolls are too much for them
>There’s only one thing on your mind
>Gotta dodge roll to victory
>It’s like Dark Souls all over again…

-Several Days later-
>Thanks to constant dodge rolling, you’ve become a master of it
>You’re so good at it, you can move at least 70 mph at maximum RPM
>You can even roll across the surface of water now
>Your search for a dragon has proven useless here in the States, but you know one place where all types of dragons are plentiful
>The land of tea, crumpets, fish and chips
>The United Kingdom
>Possibly becoming a Britbong is worth the waifu
>You’ll make history as the first person to dodge roll across the Atlantic
>Break into rolling
>Build up speed
>Hit the waves

-Roll Across the Atlantic:  Day 3-
>Dear god this was a bad idea in hindsight
>You’ve been pursued by shark girls, almost caught by lazy whale girls and harassed by Seagull harpies
>Not to mention you have no idea where the fuck you are even going
>No, the reward is worth the risk…

-Roll Across the Atlantic: Day 6-
>This kind of peaceful, now that you think about it
>You’re far enough in the ocean to where you mostly unmolested
>Well, the storms and rouge waves have proven to be an issue, but it’s alright
>Then again, you may have been thrown of course…
>Or on course, you still can’t tell

-Roll Across the Atlantic: Day 8-
>You were tempted to stop by that little island for a rest
>Those Scyllas and Merrows looked really welcoming
>But the voices in your head remind you what would have happened if you did…
>Wait, are those voices in your head though?
>You’ve been at sea for way too fucking long…

-Roll Across the Atlantic: Day 10-
>Oh dear, you’ve become the Cheeki Beeki
>Remover of Kebab
>No fucking roaches are gonna stop you from creating the Pan-Slavic state
>Nor fucking Germans and their shitty Holy Roman Empire
>Wait, are you hallucinating?
>”No comrade, you are not hallucinating!”
>You don’t know, Comrade Stalin isn’t the most trusting person…
>”Nonsense, Boku-gaijn! Remember your mission, lest your bring DISHONOR on your name!”
>Eh, that was a little racist Nobunaga-sama…
>Wait, fucking World Star? What-

-Roll Across the Atlantic: Day 14-
>Finally, land!
>You got all the random historical figures (and fucking World Star) out of your head
>It’s rocky as shit, but you’ll probably make it
>It’s only a short way at this point
>”Wait, what is that white thing on the horizon…?”
>Suddenly tentacles burst out from under you and try to grab you!
>Barely roll out of the day
>Based on those tentacles, you already know what this is…
>”Wow…I wasn’t expecting to find a human capable of traveling across the ocean with their own power…”
>You float in the water as you lay your eyes on the voice
>Pink hair, white skin and fuck-ton of tentacles
>The fucking Kraken
>”Oi lady, I’m just trying to get to land. I don’t wanna hurt your feelings B, but if you try to stop me, I WILL hand out this L to you.”
>Blegh, fucking World Star rubbed off on you
>The Kraken gives that real annoying laugh you here in anime
>That ‘Oh hoho’ laugh
>Fucking disgusting
>”I’m sorry, but you belong to me now. No different ways about it dear.”
>Her tentacles form a fucking wall around you
>”Nah lady, it’s not going down like that.”
>Suddenly dodge roll forward
>Barely batter through the tentacle wall
>The Kraken cracks a smile
>”I like to see you try that again, dear. I doubt you can do it again!”
>Multiple tentacles launch at you
>Dodge roll to the best of your ability through the bullshit
>It’s getting harder though
>2 weeks of constant dodge rolling is starting to catch up with you
>Your dodge rolls batter the tentacles away as they come, but each time is getting harder
>”Hahaha! You can’t keep that shit up forever!”
>She’s fucking right, you’re running out of steam
>You land a nearby rock, exhausted
>The Kraken’s tentacles surround as she draws closer to you
>”Did you really think a human like you could have beaten me? You may have a veritable pool of stamina, but you’re nothing. Especially considering how fat your are…”
>”Ha…stocky bitch, not fat.”
>”Hm, quite the mouth on you too. I bet I can put that to much better use…”
>You can’t believe it, you may have failed completely
>Dragon scales were so close
>You tried so fucking hard and got so far, but in the end…
>…it didn’t even matter
>”Don’t look so dejected boy, I’ll treat you real good…”
>Suddenly, that presence that filled all those days ago surges forth!
>”Nah, fuck that shit! I’m not falling here!”
>Your whole body is covered in a massive yellow aura
>The Kraken is blown back, but she has an odd look on her faces
>Righteous Fury defines your own face
>”I will not be stop! I came all this way for a fucking scaled dragon waifu! I’ve dealt with fucking endless swarms of birds, wild animals, sharks and got hit with by A FUCKING SHIP! I know that in this land, there’s a nice dragon girl that’s lonely and in need of a cuddly loving! I DON’T CARE WHO OR WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE! MY GOALS ARE CLEAR AND MY SPIRIT IS ON FLEEK!”
>You strike a pose, looking like you’re praising the Sun
>Words you don’t even understand come to your lips:
>”Ore wa Studo: Dodoji Ramu!”
>A spectral Dodge Ram surrounds your form
>The Kraken laughs
>”Yare Yare Daze, now I know who you are! The dark skin, fat body and mini afro…You’re the one they call the Bitchy Sage, one member of the Six Paths of Shitpost…Remu Rosu!”
>You raise an eyebrow
>”I mean, if you wanna make it into weeb cancer like that, sure…but what the fuck are the Six Paths of Shitpost?
>”Ha, trying to play dumb are you? You’re one of the Stud users…and better yet, one of the six. It’s an old legend spoken only in hushed tones. You don’t really think every that happened was freak incident of nature, do you?”
>This bitch watches way too much fucking anime
>Not that you’re sure how she’d be able to do that…
>”Look let’s just finish this shit, alright?
>”Heh, even with you unlocking the power of the Studs, you’re way too exhausted make much use of it!”
>You scrowl
>”We’ll see about that! I’ll end this quickly!”
>Break into another dodge roll
>Notice that your building up speed much faster than ever before
>In fact, your dodge roll has turned into a spin dash, of all fucking things!
>Only one sound travels across the land as your build up power…
>It’s time to launch
>You charge forward at break neck speeds
>You smash through tentacle after tentacle as the Kraken loses her cocksure attitude
>The last of her defenses fall as you charge forward yet again, free to strike her body
>She let’s out on last cry:
>La Cucaracha plays in the background as you crash head first into her stomach
>You knock her out as your body breaks from hers and you skid across the coast to the land
>You unceremoniously wash up on shore, your aura gone and your body spent
>The world turns black as you lose consciousness….

-Unknown amount of time later…-
>Jeez, your fucking head hurts…
>Strangely, it doesn’t feel like rocky sand…
>In fact, it feels fleshy…and scaly for that matter
>You open your eyes only to be temporarily blinded by the light
>You can barely make out four figures standing over you
>Better yet, this doesn’t look like the beach either…
>Everything finally clears and you realize that two of the figures are actually the underboob of one person
>”Oi Rashid Jamal Kamer Allah Muhammad! The fat git is awake!”
>”That’s kinda mean Gwyn…”
>”Oh piss off! We’re still gonna fuck him after a display like that…”
>You try to rise only to be pushed back down by a scaly tail
>”Oi luv, don’t strain yerself. That’s for later, ya understand?”
>You look up and realize that Gwyn is in fact a grey scaled Wyvern
>Her hair is a little longer than usual
>”H-hey! You’re alright here!”
>Look down and notice a floating piece of leather armor
>Huh? There’s a spectral girl in it…
>A Living Armor that possessed a dinky leather armor
>Next to her is a weird girl carrying a steak knife
>Actually, that knife is fused to her hand
>A Cursed…Steak Knife?
>She’s pretty petite and girly though…nice.
>”Where am I?”
>”My friend! You are in one of the back rooms of Rashid Jamal Kamer Allah Muhammad’s Outlet store!”
>You turn towards the voice and notice a stereotypical Arab man standing in the door way
>Eh, he kind of has a passing resemblance to Osama Bin Laden…
>”Uh…thanks for the help Rashid. I-“
>The man holds up a hand to stop you
>”My friend, you must say the whole thing! It’s like….what do you American’s call it…A Pimp Named Slickback!”
>”You were really brave when you fought that Kraken um…
>”You can call me Rem.”
>”Rem! Yeah, it was really brave! I’m Elizabeth!”
>The leather armor extends her hand towards yours
>Eh, not the weirdies thing that’s happened to you
>You give her a strong shake, but she’s rather unfazed by it.
>The Cursed…Knife looks at you sheepishly
>”W…would you like to b-be my scabbard, Rem?”
>The Wyvern chuckles
>”Jeez Sami, our boyo just woke up. Give ‘im a minute’s rest, yeah?”
>The Arab man approaches your bed
>”Well Emir Rem, there is much we must discuss, but I believe that rest is most important…that and these girls want their chance at you. It’s best you recover your strength for the days ahead…if you catch my drift, haha!”
>You sigh and relax back into the lap of Gwyn
>The Wyvern gives a little gasp and you’re certain her face has a red tint.
>Well, you succeeded after all..

With Rem’s victory over the Kraken, he has finally achieved what he most desired in life, but there is still much to be discovered. What are the Six Paths of Shitpost, and is Rem truly a member of them? Better yet, if that is the case, who are the other members? Find out next time on “If Monster Girls Took Over the World!”

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