Depravity Series: C 1

“And at this home, here… oh? A boy just came out, and… are you burying something? Is that… a book? Now why would you be doing that, little one? …Hm, he’s awfully wary, looking around like that. Ah, now he’s heading back in. Interesting indeed. I wonder…

…Oh my. So that’s how it is? Well, I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised… he is a young one, perhaps just entering that age. Hmm… yes. I can certainly have fun with this. But for now, I shouldn’t continue dawdling… I have work to do.

Oh, but don’t worry, little one… my precious gem. I’ll be back for you, and then… well… fufufu, I should be going.”

C 1 • Passion And Obsession

She waited until the mother left. Off to gather groceries at the distant shops further within the city’s boundaries, as well as visit an ailing relative, Desira knew it would be a long while before the human woman returned to her house; the trip was a routine one, as the demon had discovered during a single month’s worth of surveilling the humble, middle-class home. During this same time, her husband too was away, apparently laboring and earning his wages far out in another city altogether. This left only a single, young boy, alone with the house all to himself. He had no visitors, outside the occasional door-to-door salesmen that rarely showed up… which made things all the better.

Confident that his mother, the one possible interference was out of the way and much too far away within the city to intervene, Desira made her move… but not before giving the order for her small, personal horde of mamono subordinates to lead the charge leading into the city’s outskirts. From the beginning, it had been the demon’s job to scout out the land and collect several accounts of information, from military might to the population and overall alliance of its citizens; despite her leading rank amongst the factions, she had been enthusiastic about the role.

Until she had discovered the occasionally abandoned, lonely human boy in his house. While hardly realizing it, she had become distracted and slowly begun to abandon her duties, focusing nearly all of her moments of reconnaissance upon the youth. Even now, she had scheduled her forces’ invasion specifically around his family’s absence and went even further by abandoning her place at the frontline of her forces, soaring ahead of them all in order to claim her prize. The demon may have been neglectful, but she was not foolish, still taking the precaution to remain out of sight of the people below or else risk a chance of being spotted and ruin her approaching army’s element of surprise. A mild cloaking spell was all she needed to go unnoticed, for being so high up in the sky with the clouds provided more than enough coverage, even without the added invisibility. On top of that, the fading light of nightfall especially helped.

Desira scanned the streets before making her descent, opting to arrive at the right opportunity when the least amount of witnesses were around; fortunately for the demon, the neighborhood was currently empty. She gleefully held open her wings to slow her borderline dive from the troposphere, the massive leathery extensions of her body almost immediately halting her downward progression. With grace only years of practice could have achieved did she step down from midair with a single foot, the other joining ankles with it shortly after; upon completing her artful descent did she flap her wings a single time, loosing them from enduring the tension of such an abrupt landing before folding them to her back. Finally, with a gushing smile, the figurative hellspawn rose her fist and prepared to knock on the door before her.

However, she nearly did so until a thought hit her, and Desira franticly started looking over herself. Just about every one of her flight sessions failed to mar her wardrobe or even dishevel her dark and luxuriously long hair, but even so the monster girl was determined to present herself as best she could for this encounter. It was a first impression after all, so with that in mind she began to adjust and tamper with her already-perfect appearance. One would think a monster of her ilk was immune to mind-altering spells and other forms of entrancements, or at the least highly resistant, yet when it came right down to it she herself was under an illusion all the same, that her guise was for some reason flawed and that she could (somehow) improve it.

In her defense, none were able to resist illusions when brought about by love itself, which was very much occurring in this scenario. After spying on the boy, simple curiosity was quick to sprout into affection… and in turn, that eventually became a deep longing. For a woman of her stature, let alone her age, in the end it was but a fifteen year old boy that had managed to capture her heart. In all honesty, to say at this point that Desira had a crush on the lad was an understatement… by revolving her plans and her duties around the plot of claiming him, she was only using the invasion as an excuse to do the deed, and a distraction to keep other humans from getting in her way; she could even care less about whether or not the mission became a success, for as far as she was concerned there was nothing getting in between her and what she wanted. Quite frankly, he was already hers.

He just didn’t know it yet.

At last, contentment managed to come to her regarding her appearance. Desira took in a deep breath of air, exhaling it slowly to relax her sudden nervousness… then finally rapped the door gently with her knuckles. The sound of quiet, muffled shuffling immediately reached her lengthy pointed ears, the woman noting that the noise would have probably gone unnoticed had she not been equipped with superior senses, one of the many perks that came with being a demon. The sounds that came from behind that door were panicked and clumsy, and Desira couldn’t help but smirk to herself in knowing.

“Such deceit…” she whispered to no one in particular, “actively pursuing your passions to the extent of sacrificing the trust of your own family- no, of even your own people.” A wicked smirk crossed the demon’s lips. “Your mother would be so ashamed of you.”

But that’s when Desira blinked, the sound of her own words startling her for a brief moment until her eyes grew wide in realization: in her rush and state of excitement, she hadn’t set up the disguise she had planned to cast upon arrival. The noise from inside faded, and footsteps were heard coming for the door. The demon nearly had an anxiety attack as she tried to focus on conjuring her spell, almost losing her focus when the doorknob was gripped from the other side and twisted. She spat out the final words to the enchantment in a hushed tone and forced out a rush of demonic energy into fueling the spell just as the door was opened.

From behind the conjoined planks of oak serving as the door, a youthful face peered out into the afternoon twilight. He was much shorter than Desira, almost by a full head. Moderately lengthened and partly unkempt dark hair framed bored, yet curious brown eyes that beheld her, and the demon struggled desperately to suppress an emotional war. She had no idea if her disguise was accounted for, as it was a spell she herself could not visually identify without the presence of a mirror; it was an illusion spell rather than physical transformation, so while others would see her as something else, the caster herself would undergo no change.

Also, along with the uncertainty of having even set it up, this was by far the closest she’s ever been to the human boy. It was hardly a few seconds before his initial reaction, but to her it might as well had been half an eternity.

“Hey, mom.”

Evan was nervous, not quite expecting his mother to be home for at least another few hours… yet here she was. She looked tense for some reason, but that was the least of his concerns; the fact that he was on the verge of getting caught was still making his heart race. Usually, he would have put things back and already waiting for her to arrive. The knock on the door was a bit of a shock in of itself, considering he hadn’t even heard the horse carriage pull up like he should have. At least in that case he was given somewhat of a decent warning and a little time to rush things at the last minute. Now that he thought about it, where was the –

“So…” the aged, gentle voice of his mother broke through Evan’s wandering thoughts, and he was swiftly brought back into the moment, “are you going to let me in?”

“Oh. My bad.”

Just as he stepped aside and held the door open for her, Evan began to worry. His mother was no idiot. Sure, the middle-aged woman came off as pretty simple and carefree half the time, but she was really a true fox… in the witty sense. She was sharp, and while the littlest of suspicions drove her to take action she was also very thorough. So thorough in fact, that the young man was determined to make his move as soon as she went into the next room. Even as she walked in with her casual smile, seemingly happy to be home and without a care in the world, there was no way he was going to take chances.

He had to get it out of the house, and back to its spot in the yard… where she would never bother searching.

Watching her practically strut towards the couch, twirl in place and finally plop herself upon the cushions (a very questionable list of things for the woman to do, but he disregarded it), Evan struggled intensely to keep a straight face as he made an attempt to act casual, while at the same time find out why she was back so early.

“That was fast,” he started off with a mildly deadpan tone, trying to keep his voice within the norm. “Did you forget something?” The sound of an uncharacteristic giggle made the youth a little more wary.

His mother’s eyes fluttered awake from their closed, relaxed state, and following a light stretch of her arms she placed her hands in her lap. “Oh, I’m afraid I did, sweetie~,” his mother stated with unreasonable cheeriness, “…just one thing.”

Evan pretended to have cared less, but nothing could have been further than the truth. For one, the woman was much too happy; of course, she was usually seen with a smile on her face, but the fact she was so full of energy was a wonder in of itself. She was even calling him something like “sweetie” of all things… and then there was the likelihood that she knew something was up, which terrified the youth considering what was at stake. If she found out about it…

His parent then began humming to herself. “Hmm, now where could it have been misplaced, I wonder~?” And then without warning, her hand moved. As it slowly traveled from its place in her lap, Evan could only stare in silent horror as it slipped down between the cushions at her side.

“Ah, here it is~!”

Her eyes never strayed from the teen’s face, even as she teasingly reached into her seat and pulled out the object from within. Desira watched him with eager anticipation as she held it up for the boy to see, intent on observing his response; gripped by her fingertips alone, a small paperback booklet of sorts hung in the air. Upon the cover, a small group of provocative, scantly-dressed women were shown, flaunted their bodies with seductive poses and lewd gestures. The material was obviously pornographic, but that was only half of the offense which this specific book portrayed. Each woman in the picture shared unique characteristics to either an animal, plant or anything else relatively inhuman, whether that be a serpent’s tail in place of human legs, bird’s wings instead of arms, etc.

To put it simply, it was a monster girl erotica piece.

“Sweetie,” Desira began with a warm smile still charming her face, her tone ever gentle as she spoke with a voice not her own, “you wouldn’t happen to know how something like THIS managed to be HIDING in such a DECEPTIVE location, would you?”

The demon had chosen to stress the chosen words within her question, sticking to the role of an angry mother that she had decided to play out. Of course, she was not upset in the least; if anything she was pleased with the youth, especially by the fact that he had a sexual interest for mamono. However, she was also a curious entity, and wished to know just how he’d respond to this situation had his mother actually been the one to find him out.

The only thing that came from the boy was a blank face along with a prolonged stare, and Desira patiently allowed his silence to progress and keep her question unanswered. She was impressed by the poker face he presented, and would have considered comparing it to that of a sahuagin’s had the color in his skin not begun to drain. The demon’s keen, sensitive ears also picked up the faint difference that was his breathing quicken, but it was his heart rate which had been the most prominent change of all, which her monster’s sixth sense had managed to detect. Not unlike that of a war drum, but sped up to the rate of a fledgling harpy frantically attempting her first flight. He was scared, yet still maintained enough composure to keep up a cool exterior.

“Well?” The voice of a middle-aged woman, spoken through demonic lips urged the boy.

“I… what do you mean?”

Desira quirked an eyebrow beneath her illusion. Was he without an alibi and, in his panic, trying to buy time to come up with one? Or was he actually afraid to lie to his mother’s face? She mused over his answer only briefly, however.

“You know what I mean,” she pressed once again, giving the material in her fingertips a feigned look of disgust before returning her gaze upon him. “Now I am going to ask one. Last. Time… What do you know about this book?”

Another prolonged silence followed.

“Answer me. Now,” the demon behind the older woman’s voice demanded.

“I found it in Ray’s bathroom trash… before he left for the crusades.”

Wow. So he was also quick to bring others down with him. Desira herself didn’t cater the prospect of such treachery, but she could understand the boy’s reasoning. If it meant that he’d get off the hook, or at least deal with less punishment as a result, then it was natural to take the least-painful route for himself… and that was especially true if he had no positive relationship with his supposed sibling in the first place. Then again, it had also been a considerable wait before she drew out that answer, so it was also possible that he did have a good standing with this “Ray”, yet he simply feared his mother’s wrath even more than that. Another useful discovery was that he had a sibling in the Order’s militia, but the demon could really care less about something like that at the moment. Either way, she’d surely correct that disloyal mindset sometime in their future together.

“You found it,” Desira echoed the statement with a forced none-too-pleased expression. “So, then, why was it hiding in the sofa?”

At this he fell silent once more. Undoubtedly, he was either too ashamed or too scared to. However, just when she assumed the boy wasn’t going to say anything, he made a response which forced the demon to rethink her approach.

“…Does that mean you’re going to turn me in?”

Evan had no way out of this. He had been caught, not just with porn in his possession but with a variety that was rated nearly as illegal as murder itself. Being a citizen to one of the Order’s cities meant that you could easily be arrested and held in custody for the mere assumption that you so much as sympathized with monsters, let alone fapped to their porn. This was quite literally the worst possible scenario he could have ended up in… and he was certain his mother would probably disown him if it didn’t come to jail. Then again, she never did keep her mouth shut when it came to most family matters, so in the end…

Even if he did end up on the street, it wouldn’t be long before the Order came after him. He had to get out of the city… no, he had to get out of Order territory itself. But just as that realization dawned on him, Evan was hit hard by another fact: the lands bordering the ones under their control belonged to the monsters. Now, the youth may have thought the inhuman beauties were incredibly attractive, going so far as to get off on their erotica, but it was common knowledge that those creatures either ate the human victims that were foolish enough to copulate with them, or they had them forced into grueling slavery. If he, a guy being little more than a teenager, were to travel through their lands all by himself, he’d definitely be caught.

In that case, if he wasn’t mauled to death or had his soul sucked from his body, he would have to endure a lifelong fate of inescapable suffering. At least with the Order, if they didn’t just give a quick execution they usually allowed their prisoners a peaceful, albeit work-laden jail sentence; it was against their own laws to abuse prisoners, and fights amongst inmates were dealt with strictly. All that said, the boy had only two options: remain in Order territory where he would most certainly face trial and possible death, or leave and potentially risk getting caught in a fate far more gruesome than what the Order would bring.

Option one, certain damnation. Option two, chance of freedom but with an even higher chance of worse damnation than option one.

“…What?” There was a hint of concern in his mother’s voice upon the inquiry. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Evan, bemused, took a glance up from staring so long at the floor to look her in the eyes.

“I… you’re not…?”

“Why would I?” His mother casually asked him, now opening the porno in her hands for some reason. As she began flipping through the pages, Evan repressed the urge to know why the woman would do such a thing; she was a zealous supporter of the church through and through, and was expected to have burned the book by now. But here she was, casually reviewing its contents as it sat in her lap. “It’s to be expected, after all. You are a grown boy, and as such it’s only natural for you to become attracted to the opposite sex.”

Evan nearly voiced a reminder that it wasn’t human women that the subject was about, but instead he held his tongue and tried his luck. Maybe he really wasn’t in as deep a trouble as he originally thought? Whatever the case, he was just relieved she wasn’t screaming at him.

“Especially when you factor in mamono,” his mother continued. “Looking through these, I can understand why you’d be so enthralled. These ones in particular are quite the lookers if I do say so myself.”

Now this caught Evan’s attention. His mother had not only spoken about monsters without her usually venomous tone, but she had was outright complimenting them. The boy realized that she had even used the term “mamono”; if he was not mistaken, the youth knew the word to be either socially acceptable or outright affectionate from amongst pro-monster groups. This was not like the older woman whatsoever, and it was almost scaring her son. What had happened to her when she went out this morning?

She took a brief moment to glance up at him, and Evan noted the unusual warmth in her expression when she spoke again. “Now why do you seem so confused?” His mother questioned him with a knowing smile, her eyes returning to the porno. “Many refuse to admit it, including parts of the Order itself, but one cannot deny the truth. The average mamono is many times more attractive than any human, this is simply a fact… one which many cannot bring themselves to face. Indeed, it may be against the rules to be infatuated but really… can you help it? You are a boy. A virile, young male. Isn’t it only natural for you to be enticed by a beautiful woman? If anything, I’d hope so. And what type of woman exudes beauty more than a mamono?”

The words of his mother made sense with every point she made, yet he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that she was being so mellow and casual about the whole thing, on top of continually giving praise to monsters. By now, fear had been almost entirely replaced with genuine concern, but even so he was fairly certain the worst-case-scenario wouldn’t occur like he had assumed… at least he hoped it didn’t. He still wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.

“Now then,” his mother went on, this time with the inquiry, “do you have other things like this that I should know about? Anything else you’ve been hiding, perhaps?”

Great… she was going to search his stuff again. Truth be told, young man didn’t actually have any sort of hidden stash, however it had been a little frustration to put things back in their place the last time his mother sorted through his things.

“No, that’s all I had,” Evan answered, trying to keep his response from coming out too quickly; although it really did look as though he was not in nearly as much trouble as formerly predicted, potentially encouraging a more thorough disorganization of his belongings was still something he wanted to avoid. His mother gave a nod of understanding, but Evan’s surprise came with her next statement.

“I’ll trust you,” she told him, shutting the book, “but for now, I want you to go to your room. You aren’t in trouble, I just need some time… I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Ah… alright.”

Desira watched patiently as the boy showed her a look of skepticism for a moment, then bobbed his head slightly in acknowledgment and finally turned, heading towards the stairway between the living and dining rooms which led down into the cellar. Before descending, he gave her one last glance and she kindly waved her illusion-clad hand in turn; finally, he was gone, and that’s when the demon let out a winded sigh.

“Fufu… it all went better than expected~!” The demon prided herself in a hushed chuckle; she stood up from her place on the sofa, and with the boy’s porno in hand made her way to the home’s entrance. “Now then,” she grinned through her illusion as a disguised hand parted itself against the surface, a faint red glow illuminating between her palm and the wood underneath; from beyond, she could detect the happenings of ongoing war and battle. Apparently, her warriors had already arrived. “I suppose it’s best we closed ourselves off from the rest of the world for the meantime,” the dark entity smirked as the brightness beneath her fingers changed to a vibrant blue. “Wouldn’t want any interruptions, would we?”


Twenty minutes had passed since he was sent to his room, but Evan wasn’t keeping track of time. He was lying on his bed, his thoughts revolving around the events which had recently taken place. From his place he turned his head, and eyed the sword resting in its stand upon the neighboring dresser on the opposite side of the room. The weapon was just a model, a replica of the wakizashi to be precise; even so, its blade was sharp and its structure was durable, the finesse one expected in even a counterfeit when forged by a zipangese blacksmith. It had been given to him as a holiday gift some years back, and would have come with him on his journey had he decided upon leaving the Order lands.

Guilt developed within his gut at the reminder and the young man gave himself a mental slap. How could he have believed that his own mother would go about such extreme measures? He was her son, and as much as his rebellious, teenage mentality hated to admit it, she loved him. Hell, she wouldn’t have stuck to raising him in the first place if that weren’t true, right? There were plenty of orphanages around, so it’s not like she never had a choice –

“May I come in?”

A gentle knock, followed by the voice of his mother interrupted his thoughts, and Evan sat up.

“Yeah,” he sighed.

The door opened and in walked his mother. He didn’t bother looking at her, even as she slowly entered and came over to join him on the ledge of the bed. Evan wished she would say something (for he certainly couldn’t), but the woman simply remained quiet; the moment dragged on, and the teen felt he was going to go crazy from the suspense… while he wasn’t expecting anything to happen he also didn’t know what to say or do, which was ultimately worse than the former.

That was when he noticed that his mother still had his book, and was once again roaming through its contents. At this point, he couldn’t help himself.

“Um… You still have that?” He inquired cautiously, fighting to keep from chancing a peek at the lewd images inside the porno. “And also, why do you keep reading it? I thought you would have gotten rid of it by now.” She didn’t answer, but instead presented a question of her own.

“So, tell me,” she began with her gaze glued to the pages, “which one of these girls was your favorite?”


Evan finally looked at his mother and just gawked at her, speechless; the older woman did not face him, but went on nonetheless.

“To truly find the remedy to any problem,” she explained, turning over another page and resuming her read, “one must investigate and learn more about it, not by removing a mere benefactor… like an poisoned victim, you need a sample of the toxin, to know it’s contents in order to develop an antidote. The issue isn’t the book, sweetie, but your interests. So then, how can there be a solution found if we simply get rid of this?” She raised the open porno for emphasis, and Evan forced himself to look away from the pages shown to him.

“So~… which is it, then?” She once again urged him. “Is it the holstaur… ‘Brianna’, was it? I wouldn’t be surprised, what with her having a rack like that. Or are you into the more naughty girls, like that hellhound? Oh! Don’t tell me you’re actually into loli! However, this baphomet here sure is something isn’t she? What was her name again…? ‘Zeuriel’-something?”

Evan’s embarrassment was becoming almost unbearable. Was this her idea of a sick joke? To flaunt his sins in his face to further humiliate him? Even if this was some sort of twisted form of punishment, the young man could hardly believe that his mother would stoop down to such underhanded treatment. Despite the fact that he would strongly prefer a bit of embarrassment in place of abandonment and prison, this was beginning to become a little too much for him to endure.

“Please… stop it,” Evan muttered with agitation in his voice, “I get it already. Won’t happen again, okay?”

He ignored the prying eyes of his mother, and didn’t react when she raised a hand, saying, “aww, don’t be upset, sweetie. I hadn’t meant to bully you.” As the back of her hand slowly neared his cheek, she continued. “That aside, there’s no reason for you to feel guilty. In fact, if you wanna know the truth…”

The back of her hand caressed his cheek, but the young man was confused. The appendage felt slightly larger than what he had been expecting, and it seemed like her nails were much longer than what he had seen, even pointed at their tips. Before he could acknowledge the strange oddities, a chill swept through his body as a foreign, alluring voice whispered into his ear.

“…I like a boy who’s into such things~.”

The words had come from beside him, where his mother should have been… but upon craning his neck to take a look, she was gone, the presence of an entirely different individual in her place. A gorgeous yet ominous face, belonging to an alluring woman straight from the depths of the underworld was grinning back at him. Set within a backdrop of alien, blue skin, a mouth having pearly white fangs gleamed in the dim light of the basement bedroom; her eyes were a hellish reversal of anything remotely natural, a void of pitch-black sclera surrounding crimson irises. All these were framed by a head of dark-colored hair and, in addition, two especially long elvish ears.

Moved by a rush brought about from the shock of it alone, Evan let out a startled cry and slapped away the stranger’s hand touching him, leaping off the bed in the process. When he finally stopped to take in the features of the unknown individual once he was on his feet, his blood froze. A pair of black wings and a matching, lengthy tail, along with a scanty and rune-esque wardrobe were what otherwise completed her features. Her inhuman assets were massive and demonic in nature, the wings themselves (currently folded neatly against her spine) looking powerful and almost draconic; her tail was smooth and streamline while also appearing quite hefty in its own right, a flattened spade serving as its tip resting over the monster’s curvaceous lap.

His throats went dry and he choked up, an unbridled fear hitting the youth hard as the reality of the situation dawned on him. This person was not his mother, but something far worse. She was a monster. There was an actual, real-life MONSTER right here in his bedroom! Evan couldn’t fathom what was happening, but he knew one thing: for as much as a monster was attractive she was equally as dangerous, according to certain studies and the Order’s teachings… and this one was easily the most beautiful he’d ever laid eyes upon. Of course, this was also his first time seeing one in person, but that was beside the point.

As much as he was attracted to her exotic, otherworldly beauty, he was also fearing for his life.

“Oh my~, did my illusion spell fade already?” The intruder chuckled at him with an obviously feigned surprise, her tail lazily slinking away from its place on her lap. “What a shame… although, I must say that is quite the face,” she said while pointing a clawed finger – belonging to the same hand which she had used to caress his cheek – at him. “And here I was thinking you had an impregnable facade~.”

Instinct told him to keep backing away and Evan was more than happy to oblige, however, it wasn’t long before he bumped into the dresser behind him. That’s when he remembered his sword. His wakizashi was just a model, but if past tests of hacking through saplings and fruits proved anything, it was that the model was just as easily capable of inflicting lethal damage… perhaps even to a monster. But could he reach behind him, grab, unsheathe and finally wield the weapon before the woman saw what he was doing and attacked first? He had no idea what she was, let alone the creatures’ capabilities. To assume she was faster than a human was at least reasonable if he went off basic knowledge concerning monsters, and it wasn’t like the young man was willing to take any chances.

He had to make a run for it.

“…Tell me something,” the monster girl beckoned while her tail’s spade began to twitch for some reason; her wings hardly moved at all, but they did flutter some. “What is your name, little human?”

Her voice was angelic, a perfect contrast to the woman’s demonic form. Admittedly, Evan was entranced by it, and almost missed the question itself. Why did she want to know his name? Was it simply a ruse to get him to drop his guard? It had to be… yet, on the other hand it provided an opportunity. If he could stall and distract her with small talk, he might be able to keep her from noticing his motives. It was a long shot for certain, but what other choice did he have? Unfortunately for him, conjuring the ability to speak when scared out of your mind was a challenge in of itself.

Thankfully, his inhuman inquirer was a patient monster.

“E… Evan,” he managed to spit it out eventually, and then decided to return the question… all while making sure to move his arm as inconspicuously as he could manage. “Wh-who are you…?”

The spade of her tail began to pat excitedly on the bedsheets in response. “Oh?” She said with a quirked eyebrow, eyes locked with his own. “You wish to know who I am, hm~? Well, I would be delighted to inform you… as soon as you stop reaching for that blade, of course~.”

Everything stopped. He hadn’t even moved his hand two centimeters!

“You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?” Her arms folded loosely beneath her voluptuous breasts, squashing them together while she gave the youth a pitying smile. “Every day for weeks on end… you, all alone and left to yourself. With not one soul desiring to keep you company.” She then let out what seemed to be a genuine sigh. “What harsh living, to endure abandonment on such a reoccurring basis. You must be ve~ry lonely…”

“Would you like me to change that?” The monster hinted, a mysterious gleam in her vibrant red eyes. “I have the power to make all of your troubles disappear… forever, if you’ll let me~.”

Something must have snapped in the boy’s mind, for with a terrified shriek he swiftly bolted for the door as soon as she finished her sentence. Desira let him go, worried that an immediate pursuit might make things worse. Had she gone too far? The demon hadn’t thought it too soon to unveil her illusion, and it should have been obvious that she meant him no harm. It was a shame humans were such frail creatures… if they were not, things would be so much easier. Without all that fear and suspicion, she might even have gotten him into bed with her by now.

Her extraordinary senses tracked the youth as he ran up the stairway, but the demon wasn’t worried in the slightest. In fact, she decided to lie down and take a moment to drink in the boy’s lingering essence dormant within the bed. Every exit in the house had been sealed with enough magic to give an experienced sorcerer trouble, and in case there were ways to bypass them she had also put up a powerful barrier surrounding it; while that was mostly to keep others out, it just as easily served its purpose as a secondary blockade.

“Evan,” she echoed the boy’s name, enjoying the way it rolled off her tongue, “you’re as good as mine. You may not give in to your fleshly desires right away… but you will… and when you do, I will be right there by your side to give you proper guidance. That is my promise to you.”

Desira stifled a giggle as her head became clouded, filled by thoughts of endless fantasies involving the teen and herself; as expected, all of these imaginations were exceptionally lewd and immoral, and once she had him commit to her she would likely take the boy back to her own home, where she would start making those events a reality. She gave her body a stretch as her mind wandered, but was quickly disappointed as the bed proved to be much too small; her feet and tail dangled lifelessly off the mattress with a wing and arm joining them, the other two limbs completely blocked off by the opposing, bedside wall. The demon was familiar with discomfort, but never had she felt so cramped.

For that, she pitied her future lover even more.

“Such a shame,” Desira sighed to herself. “Had he even acquired a woman of his own, they would never have been able to sleep together…” but soon enough, a wry grin appeared on her lips. “All the more reason to make him mine.”

After reaching the top of the stairs, Evan made a dash for the front door in the living room. There was no way he was going to stay in this house, not with a monster after him. How she had even entered in the first place was a mystery in of itself to the young man, let alone why he of all people was her target. This was Order territory, not some neutral zone where the creatures could come and go where they pleased; his home specifically was also near the land’s center, and as such it should have been impossible for any normal monster to invade.

Did that mean the one downstairs was actually one of the more powerful races? The possibility wracked his already shot nerves, especially since she was apparently singling him out… but if he could just escape outside and get help, he might still make it out of this alive. Reaching the door was his primary concern, and when he did his blood pumped while he anxiously fiddled with the lock; seizing the knob with his hand, he jerked his wrist to turn it.

“What!?” He exclaimed when the knob refused to budge. “No…” the youth tried again, his hold strengthening in tandem with his repeated efforts. “No no no no NO! How?! Why?!!”

Desperation forced him into trying a few kicks to force the wooden obstacle in his way into yielding, but still to no avail. He was losing time. Evan was alerted to the fact that his adversary would be arriving at any minute, and with that in mind he abandoned the door and went for the nearest window… but he was swept with horror as he ripped open the curtains, which explained why the monster had managed to be here in the first place.

It was utter chaos. Monsters were everywhere, vastly diverse by their species and running amuck through the streets. A raid, the young man concluded, for it couldnt be anything else. From between being downstairs and consumed in fear, he had somehow failed to hear the thunderous sounds of battle going about from outside, but now that he was staring right at the source the noise finally registered with him. The sun had set by now, yet he could still see almost every detail due to the hundreds of lit torches of the two clashing armies.

Order soldiers were present and fighting valiantly, but they were outnumbered by the seemingly endless horde of monsters… and any time there is less humans than there are monsters, a loss is almost guaranteed. Much to his dismay, he helplessly watched as his people were slowly overcome by the masses, every man (and woman) mercilessly thrown down in the streets and raped… until just one armored knight stood. As he faced off against an ogre, Evan lost sight of the man as the remaining monsters having yet to participate in the widespread orgy began to encircle him, the crowd forming a wall of bloodthirsty monster woman that blocked the rest of the fight from view.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t an opportunity to mourn… for he had his own problem.

“Isn’t it beautiful~?” A voice purred hypnotically into his ear.

Evan jumped at the sudden presence and he worked his legs to flee, spinning around to face the culprit when he reached the other side of the room. She stood bent forward, staring out at the scene happening under the night sky with a demeanor gushing with pride, her spaded tail flicking about with vigor. Her posture indicated that she had intentionally meant to whisper so close to him, which was confirmed when her head turned to give Evan a notably smug look.

“You form the cutest faces when frightened,” the hellish entity grinned at him. “Honestly, you cannot expect me to refrain from startling you if you continually grant me such adorable sights.” At that she straightened her back and breathed in deeply through her nose, and her folded wings stretched out behind her as she exhaled with a content sigh; Evan got a good, extensive look at those wings when they spread open, their individual spans reaching about as long as he himself was tall.

“So then… what will you do, I wonder?” The monster stated as her wings retracted to again hug her voluptuous form. “Every exit leading out of this house is sealed by my magic, including a barrier enveloping the area to keep others out. You have no means of escape, nor will receive help. In addition, there is a war beyond these walls, one of which your people cannot win.” Her alluring, black and crimson eyes once more gazed into the outside battlefield.

“There is not a soul but us now. Just you, and me.”

“Why…?” Evan stammered in disbelief, his voice not much more than a whisper. He was visibly shaking, his body about to buckle under the weight of all the combined stress. “Why is this happening to me…?”

Deciding not to look at him, the devilish monster simply hummed in thought, pondering his question with closed eyes as a clawed finger touched her chin. “If I were to be truthful,” she started off with a mild shrug, “I would have to admit that the reason itself is quite elusive. However…” her eyes opened and stared directly into Evan’s with a deep, longing gaze; it unnerved him, “I have already made up my mind about you, my sweet~ Evan. You will not escape this, no matter what you do or how hard you try… of course, you may refuse to accept your fate, but that will not change it. All there is left is to decide the next step. Fortunately for you, I’ve made it your move.”

Evan was left clueless as to what she meant, but had an idea. She was going to kill him (at least that much was obvious to the youth), but what he didn’t understand was whether or not if she was asking him how he wanted to die. Why? How would she benefit from making such an offer? Did she pity him or something?

…Wait, she wasn’t asking for what method of sex he wanted (with which she’d certainly use to siphon his life force), was she?

As much as the youth found resentment in such a request, the very thought of coupling with such an admittedly gorgeous entity had immediate results… much to his discomfort. As his eyes involuntarily traveled down and began to trace the curves in the woman’s voluptuous figure, a certain part of his being started to grow; he felt the change take place, and abruptly reverted his gaze from the monster and attempted to purge the sensation with other thoughts… but much like his earlier efforts of escape, it was futile.

“Hnn~?” His captor grinned mischievously as her stare dropped downward, taking in the sight below. “Did your friend get excited~?”

“N-no,” Evan stuttered, covering himself.

“Aw~ how sweet,” the monster giggled, clearly not buying his lie. “And to think, I haven’t done anything yet. You must tru~ly want to get to ‘know’ me, then… I’m so flattered~!”

“I-it’s not like that…!” Evan claimed, now trying to hide a flushed face by looking to the floor.

“You shouldn’t be so dishonest with yourself, E~van…” she continued, finally moving her body towards him; she struck a seductive pose – it was one that had been specifically chosen from the young man’s porno, he realized – and humiliated him further. “We both know what you want, so why not indulge yourself?” She stretched out her arms and wings, an inviting gesture that was equally as intimidating.

She began to slowly strut.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle with you~…”

“Sh-shut UP!!”

Again, it seemed as though Desira had gotten carried away and gone too far, a mild pang of guilt managing to strike her as Evan shouted and took off, aiming to run past her. Even so, she couldn’t help it… he was just so cute! She could never get bored with teasing him, and so once he was close enough she reached out with her tail to give his teenage butt a playful slap; a yelp escaped the boy’s throat when the prehensile limb made contact, and he clutched his wounded cheek as he hurried away for the stairs.

“Back into the cellar, hm?” Desira noted as she witnessed the youth disappear down the stairway. Her wings fluttered once before she folded them, and as she made her way to follow after him her tail began to twist and coil, a sign that she was getting increasingly excited. “Oh, Evan… you are surely the right one for me. Tainted by sin, yet oh-so-pure… When lust is presented by your mortal enemy, what do you do? You fall for them. Any fear you have is outweighed by embarrassment brought about by your simple innocence. Does that mean you are a virgin as well? I certainly hope so~…”

The demon allowed Evan some time before eventually giving chase. Although his bashfulness shone through, she knew it would only temporarily outweigh his fear of her. Desira was keen on the fact that, if she wanted things to go her way, she’d have to remove that fear… or, stimulate his lust to surpass it; the mamono wanted the boy to fall for her and give in to the temptation of herself, but that would never happened if she continued to tease and frighten the poor thing. He was just a youth, and a human no less. Inexperience and isolation had led to diffidence and doubt, and when a human’s instinct of survivability is included you get someone who is naturally skeptic of anything they do not truly understand… pair that with the unruly teachings of the church and their Order, and the result is almost always a monster-hating person who will never trust someone like her.

Yes, he was most definitely attracted to mamono, especially if he was willing to go through the extensive hassle to so much as keep an illegal parchment of pornography… however, that did not mean he thought kindly of their ilk. They were simply that much more alluring to the teen than other human girls, and as such were used as a visual source to help satisfy his sensual cravings; other than that, he had no reason to believe Desira’s intentions to be genuine.

She hated to see it for how it was, but to him she was only a monster. It didn’t matter that she was more “human” than other races, or that mamono in of themselves were nothing like the definitive “monsters” they had been centuries ago… from Evan’s perspective, he had been likely taught since birth that anything like her was dangerous, or irredeemable at best. It was not as if the demon could break a lifetime of beliefs and teachings by telling him he was being lied to and that she honestly meant him no harm… that was like informing a dragon that the pyrite in her hoard was not actually gold, and that it was next to worthless in comparison.

Fortunately, while gaining his trust would be a considerable challenge, it was not impossible. Unfortunately, Desira would have to stop playing around… she could do that later, when he was hers.

Eventually, he’d give in, and when he did the teen would be all over her. She could see it in her head, how he would timidly make an effort to take the lead; at first he’d be nervous, but she’d encourage his actions and even help him along the way. That’s when he’d start getting into it, busy groping her body and giving sweet kisses from time to time. Soon after that he’d get confident, and they’ll join for the first time… a slow start of course, but it wouldn’t be long before he was recklessly violating her, hands everywhere while his mouth hungrily latched onto hers, all the while pounding away at her –

“OKAY, I need to focus,” Desira gasped as she snapped out of her latest fantasy; after wiping away the drool from her lips, she finally headed down into the basement floor. “I pity you, Evan, I really do. By locking yourself away in your room, you aren’t keeping me out… instead, you have only trapped yourself down here with me. You have my apologies, bu~t,” she said as her hand reached for the knob on his door, “I am not necessarily sorry.”

But as her clawed fingers closed around the knob, she paused. Something wasn’t right. Desira could sense it… like something bad would happen if she progressed any further. At first she was confused, but the demon had a sharp memory and, once a certain realization surfaced in her thoughts, she closed her eyes; a second later they reopened, each of her crimson orbs now veiled behind a miasma of blue magic. The demon had cast a wordless sight-augmenting spell, and now with a gaze able to penetrate walls and barriers, there was almost no time wasted in locating the youth.

As she had suspected, the sword from earlier was in his hands and raised.

Evan hadn’t the faintest idea what was taking so long. That damned monster had already blocked off the upstairs areas using her stupid magic and all that, so why hasn’t she come for him yet? Was it because she really didn’t, and had bluffed that there was no escape just to keep him from trying? He really was an idiot, the young man realized, to have not at least headed into the kitchen and check the backdoor. Yet, even if it were able to get through, where would he go? There was still a whole ARMY of monsters outside, and he was no warrior of any kind, just a lazy stay-at-home fifteen-year-old with a little too much free time on his hands. Even if he were someone who could fight, he’d have no chance against an army of humans, let alone monsters.

He had his wakizashi, but he felt that it wouldn’t be enough. Firstly, even if it was sharp and able to take some punishment, it was still just a showcase accessory… a simple model. Secondly, he had no way of telling what his inhuman stalker’s capabilities were. Being a monster, literally anything could be in her arsenal, and based on looks alone she was probably a type of succubus. Evan was knowledgeable (if only marginally) of the iconic sex-devils, and had learned in the past that they specialized in the use of charm spells; they apparently excelled in the art of seduction, enrapturing their foes into a state of infatuation before luring them into having sex… only for the monster to drain the poor person of their soul once their libido has been sated.

If this was the kind of being he was dealing with, then Evan knew he had no hope. Were he to select from among the fabled list of “seven deadly sins” the most fitting attribute, then Lust was definitely up there. He’d always had a strong interest in girls, yet the failure of ever obtaining a girlfriend had directed that interest towards erotica, which is where his mild obsession in the subject eventually blossomed. For most of his life, the young man had been homeschooled (like he currently was), so friends were very few, which also meant a near nonexistent social activity. With nothing otherwise to distract him from his small passion, that’s all his focus became centered upon.

A physical incarnation of procreation in the form of a beautiful woman, trying to seduce him into fucking her was about the closest thing to a perfect heaven Evan could imagine… but the fact that it would literally cost him his life put a complete spin on the subject. Instead of his greatest fantasy, it was his worst nightmare. The only thing going for him in this situation was that this monster seemed a bit different than the generic succubus, having blue skin instead of natural human pigmentation. That, and she hadn’t used any charm spells… yet. It was taking everything he had to not fall in love every time he looked at her.

If she used a charm spell on him, Evan was absolutely certain he would fail to muster up any will of resistance. But, why hadn’t she then? She obviously knew what he thought about her looks, so what was holding her back? Did she not have any charm spells, with sealing magic being her only skill? Doubtful. Then did she simply enjoy his reactions to her ongoing harassment by following him around and toying with him? That was much more probable, if her reactions were anything to go by. Although, if that were the case then what was she even up to right now? Shouldn’t she be busy hounding him to every corner of the –

—Knock. Knock. Knock.—

Evan’s heart leapt into his throat when the sound of a knuckle rapping gently on wood reached his ears. He went completely still, all thoughts gone blank as his eyes became entirely focused on the door. All was silent until he heard the voice of his pursuer call out to him from the other side.

“I know you are in there, Evan,” the monster said, her voice as detestably beautiful to listen to; this time however, her words were less flirty than expected.

The young man grit his teeth in response, but did not answer. He was starting to hate it every time she called him by name; it felt as though it was yet another method she used to taunt him, to remind him that she knew so much more about him than he knew of her. Why had she even knocked in the first place?

“I am under the impression that perhaps,” she continued in an uncharacteristically careful tone, “we may have reached a less-than… proper understanding of each other. I don’t suppose there is a way to remedy this? All I want is to get to know you~.”

Evan honestly fought the impulse to lash out at her and tell her off, but as always his sense of fear kept him in line. He was unable to run this time, his only other exit leading into his bathroom, which still wasn’t an exit; even if he did head over there, he couldn’t take the chance of the monster throwing open his door and jumping him when he tried. He was forced to remain in place beside his bed, and wait for his adversary to make the first move.

“Still no answer?” There was an audible sigh of disappointment heard from beyond the room. “Am I to understand that you don’t like me? I was quite certain that we had compatibility, a connection of sorts… su~rly you’ve felt something as well. Was that tent in your pants simply my imagination, then?”

Evan couldn’t take it anymore, and his bitterness gained a brief victory over his terror to allowing him the courage he needed to summon a shout.

“Go away!” He demanded, his voice cracked and much more shaken than he’d have liked.

The monster woman seemed unfazed, her words coming along as serene as possible with her next question.

“Did I do anything wrong?” She asked of him.

Her inquiry gave him pause, and a small part of him was left uncertain as to whether or not the inhuman woman was feigning ignorance. She sounded so genuine, but there was no way he was about to take her words for granted.

“You’re a MONSTER,” he nonetheless tried to remind her, “it’s not what you did! It’s what you are going -!”

“Did I,” she firmly, yet calmly interjected, “do anything wrong?”

“N… no,” Evan was forced to admit, “not yet.”

“Might I ask what you mean by that?”

It was at this point that his fear began to be replaced with a growing irritation. Frustrated, he dipped the raised end of his sword and threw his head back a bit, before returning his eyes o the door with an angry leer. “For gods’ sake…” he growled to himself through clenched teeth.


“WOULD YOU JUST STOP!?” Evan cried out in a fit of rage. “We both know you’re gonna kill me! All of you monsters are like that! You go after guys and rape them, just to kill or enslave them in the end. It’s all the same! Because as soon as one of use aren’t useful to you anymore, were nothing but food if not simply killed-off!” Tears were beginning to trail down his face, and his body began to tremble as he inadvertently went from shouting to crying. The young man couldn’t recalled the last time he broke down like this.

“I hate this! A-all of it!” He carried on, his words bearing half the strength it started with; the tip of his blade touched the floor, and his head slowly lowered with it. “J-just leave me alone…!”

Evan voiceless wept, his eyes now steadily raining drops onto his feet as his oppressor fell silent. There was a bit of a wait before she spoke up again.

“…That,” the monster said quietly, her tone a mystery to interpretation, “couldn’t be any further from the truth.”

At this did Evan raise his eyes to stare at the door, an abrupt skepticism rooting itself in his mind.

“You’re ly-“

The monster swiftly cut him off. “The Order,” she stated calmly, “are the ones lying. We are nothing like that, and it hurts very much when such accusations are made. Sadly, you were likely brought up to believe such atrocious claims, knowing little to nothing else… normally I would be very wroth, but I understand that it is not your fault.”

There was nothing to do but let her continue. Evan was still uncertain, but was at least willing to hear her out. What did she mean by saying the Order had been lying about monsters? Despite this coming from a monster herself, he wondered if there was actually something of value to be heard.

“What if I told you,” she went on without skipping a beat, “that we do not kill our men, but lead them into lives of love, pleasure, and carnality? We are not evil in the sense that we would commit murder, but we are most certainly wicked creatures. Imagine a better life, Evan… one that is filled with nothing short of your every fleshly desire being fulfilled. An eternity, all dedicated to fulfilling each and every one of your lustful passions. A life of depravity, if you will. This is why I am here in the first place… to make you this fine offer. I would give you everything you could ever ask for.”

Evan was soaking everything in, but couldn’t bring himself to exactly believe any of it. She could very well be lying her ass off and trying to get him to drop his guard, but for what? She was bigger than him, and on top of that she had a tail, claws, fangs, and giant wings to fight with, meaning that she had the ability to easily overpower him anyway. As far as he was concerned, she had no reason to make up a story… so was she telling the truth? Despite the mix-matched jumble of reinterpretations of words like “wicked” and “depravity”, her offer most certainly sounded appealing.

Correction: the term “appealing” was a drastic understatement. Evan wished more than anything that she was being honest, and not just because that would mean his survival.

“…I’m coming in now,” she said after he was given a moment to think. “I hope you will allow me without trouble.”

Any fear that Evan had thought left him returned immediately upon hearing the sound of the doorknob turn; slowly, the door creaked open, his emotions multiplying ten-fold as soon as the monster woman came into view. As she entered, he instinctively rose his sword.

Desira kept her gaze locked upon the boy in the room as she entered, the spell augmenting her sight dissipating once she could see him without its aide. Before, she could only see vague outlines and simple details of his features while looking at him through the door, and it was only now that she could see the bloodshot eyes and his tear-stained face. The demon was utterly heartbroken to witness him in such a state, and was more than willing to rush over to embrace and comfort him.

The only thing keeping her from doing so was the blade in his hands. In all honesty, she was not afraid of the weapon itself, but concerned for it’s wielder. If there was anything to know about humans, it was that they were just as much a danger to themselves as much as they were to others once cornered and scared, especially if they were armed. There had been many a time when a mamono had lost a man due to his reckless desperation.

The demon had to be more careful now than she had ever been…

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12 thoughts on “Depravity Series: C 1

  1. Dude, if she doesn’t back-off a little he’s gonna use that thing for its intended purpose. Good characterization. Both characters physical action/quirks go well with their 1st-person thoughts. Keep it up!

    1. Ever since i read this comment and became motivated by it, i got off my lazy ass and made certain to write every single day, no matter how little time i had at my disposal.

      My apologies for taking soooooo terribly long to complete C2, but as you’ve likely noticed, it’s up now.

      Thank you, GioM (and the others who’ve cared enough to “bother me” over this), cuz without you i would certainly not have completed C2 anytime soon…

      In the future, feel more than welcome to give me a deserved kick in the ass should i ever end up slacking again. I assure you my next write wont take nearly as long as C2 did…

      So then, without further ado, i bid you adieu! Take care.

  2. So I remember reading this a while back, and I just had to re-read it again, and much like the first time it didn’t disappoint. The pacing was slow, but engaging…like you know it’s coming, but the suspense is killing you, and that’s what I felt the whole way through, and I loved it all the same! This pretty much means I’m gonna have to read the rest of this, and see where it goes. Great job here! I can’t praise you enough.

  3. Felt like going through this like the good old days. This’ll be a stream of consciousness kind of thing as I go through, but I’ll preface this by saying that I didn’t finish the chapter.

    —Too many ellipses in the first three paragraphs. One or two would be fine. The rest can just be commas or something.

    —When a single quote extends across multiple paragraphs, you leave the end of each paragraph without a quotation mark, and the beginning of each paragraph will have a quotation mark. Like this:
    –She said, “words words words.
    –“words words words.”

    Cut that shit out, you weeb.

    Fuck off, that’s way too obvious for a demon’s name. May as well have called her Demona.

    —”He had no visitors, outside the occasional door-to-door salesmen that rarely showed up… which made things all the better.”
    So the occasional (and rare!) salesman made the boy being alone better somehow? Might want to reword this or just scrap the damn ellipses and the statement after it.

    —”Confident that his mother, the one possible interference was out of the way and much too far away within the city to intervene, Desira made her move… but not before giving the order for her small, personal horde of mamono subordinates to lead the charge leading into the city’s outskirts.”
    –A few things: 1. Put a comma after “interference.” 2. Cut out “and much too far away within the city to intervene.” It’s too wordy and we already know she’s in the city and it’s been established that mama’s out of the way. 3. Cut out the ellipses. 4. Delete “mamono,” you weeb.

    —”… she had been enthusiastic about the role./ Until she had discovered the occasionally abandoned, lonely human boy in his house.”
    I guess it wasn’t really that important to her. Just saying, it’s not very convincing that she was enthusiastic about her job if it took her a single paragraph break to slack on her duties. Actually, it would’ve been a great twist at the end if one of her lieutenants crashed her party with the kid, asking why the hell she accidentally scheduled their attack on the same day the Wizard Academy was visiting.

    —”…the fading light of nightfall especially helped.”
    So the light of nightfall was fading? Try something like “the daylight fading into night especially helped,” or something.

    —”…the neighborhood was currently empty.”
    Wow. Lucky. And unneeded. I don’t think this should matter for her plan to work, given her illusion magic and junk.

    —You spend a big chunk of this paragraph describing her landing. Not really needed. This can be condensed into maybe one sentence.

    —”After spying on the boy, simple curiosity was quick to sprout into affection… and in turn, that eventually became a deep longing.”
    Okay, but why? We don’t have any idea what this kid is like except that he has a hidden copy of The Lusty Argonian Maid or some shit. Did she catch him jacking off and appreciate his dick-stroking form? Does she like his eyes? Hair? Hobbies? At least tell us something about him and why he caught her attention, because thus far we’ve gotten zero. Also, fuck your ellipses. Simple periods would do the job in both instances in this paragraph. I swear, if you put in another one, I’ll—

    —”exhaling it slowly to relax her sudden nervousness… then”
    Remove ellipses from your repertoire and relearn them from scratch.

    —” The sound of quiet, muffled shuffling immediately reached her lengthy pointed ears, ((the woman noting that the noise would have probably gone unnoticed had she not been equipped with superior senses, one of the many perks that came with being a demon. The sounds that came from behind that door were panicked and clumsy,)) and Desira couldn’t help but smirk to herself in knowing.”
    Delete everything inside the parentheses and you have yourself a sentence. The rest is filler and can be removed. Maybe replace “lengthy ears” with “sensitive ears” to inform the reader about her hearing instead.

    —”From behind the conjoined planks of oak serving as the door”
    This sentence is padding if I ever saw it. It’s a door. We don’t care what it’s made out of.

    —”Evan was nervous,”
    So now we’re doing this from his perspective? Feels like a sudden switch, since so far it has exclusively been from the demon’s perspective (and I refuse to call her by name). Try inserting a break or something before this line to show that the 3rd-person limited PoV is changing, or make the 3rd-person omniscient PoV from the beginning a bit more omniscient instead of only from her perspective.

    —”considering he hadn’t even heard the horse carriage pull up”
    Hol’ up. You sayin’ this is the Middle Ages an’ shit? Or at least pre-industrial? This is the first time the era was mentioned or alluded to, though I guess it’s supposed to be KC-Land. Or was the plank door the first hint? Either way, using more modern terms like “troposphere” and “door-to-door salesman” and slang like “My bad” really don’t help. Gotta immerse the reader in that sweet Middle Ages feeling. “Thou”s and “thee”s and whatnot, along with ditching Japanese terms like “mamono.”

    From here on I’m just going to subtract 1 metaphorical point out of 100 every time you use ellipses. Spoiler warning: I Ctrl+F’d this shit and you use ellipses 116 times in this chapter. You owe me 16 points based solely the ellipses in this chapter.

    Okay, so is this more of a Victorian era kind of deal? But I pictured the house being more slummy after reading about the shitty door. I can’t picture a house with a shitty door also having a couch that isn’t falling apart. Dust should’ve been kicked up when she sat on it.

    —“His mother’s eyes fluttered awake from their closed, relaxed state”
    I don’t see how this detail is important. She never closed her eyes in the first place, either, so half of the detail of her closing her eyes and then opening them is missing anyway. How about some details on what Mama looks like? I don’t recall seeing any details about her. There’s a little description of the demon (she’s pretty much just the archetypal demon drawn by KC, I’m guessing), but all we get is “demon used illusions and looks like Mama now,” without telling us what Mama looks like despite her image being present for so much of this.

    — “Evan pretended to have cared less”
    The phrase is, “could not care less,” as in, “this is the furthest I can be from caring.” As this is written, it is an incomplete thought. He pretended to care less than what? Less than a small amount of care? Less than a big amount of care? Change this into a complete thought.

    — “To put it simply, it was a monster girl erotica p—”
    Now hold on, if you’re going to use “mamono” in one instance, you can’t use “monster girl” in another. Decide if you’re a weeb or not and be consistent with it.

    — “a warm smile still charming her face”
    This part confuses me. I think I know what you’re trying to say, but I don’t think it quite works. At the very least I’ve never seen “charming” used like this.

    — ““you wouldn’t happen to know how something like THIS managed to be HIDING in such a DECEPTIVE location, would you?” / The demon had chosen to stress the chosen words within her question”
    No shit? I couldn’t tell with all the CAPITALIZATION and the STRESS it puts on the chosen WORDS.

    — “especially by the fact that he had a sexual interest for mamono”
    So you plan to cycle one after the other between “mamono” and “monster girl?” Let’s see.

    — “The demon’s keen, sensitive ears also picked up the faint difference that was his breathing quicken, but it was his heart rate which had been the most prominent change of all, which her monster’s sixth sense had managed to detect.”
    This is a complete mess. Long-winded, repetitive usage of “which,” and what’s the difference between hearing his breathing with her ears and “sensing” his heart rate with her “sixth sense?” Seems like something her keen ears could pick up on regardless of the existence of a sixth sense.

    — “before he left for the crusades”
    Okay, this is just a mess of anachronisms. Horse-drawn carriages and crusaders alongside comfy couches and porn magazines.

    — “Wow. etc.”
    This whole paragraph is a waste of time. Delet. Or delet most of it.

    — “At this he fell silent once more. Undoubtedly, he was either too ashamed or too scared to.”
    Too scared to what? I’m guessing you edited the first sentence but forgot to edit the second, or visa versa. As it is written, she’s assuming he was “too ashamed or scared to fall silent once more.” Revise.

    — “He had been caught, not just with porn in his possession but with a variety that was rated nearly as illegal as murder itself.”
    -I laughed aloud at this part. It’s fucking hilarious out-of-context. Build the world/era/setting a little more before dropping bombshells like that, not immediately afterward. “Bombshell first, loredump after” might work in other contexts, but when discussing porn with so few hints at what the society is actually like, this part comes off as comedy gold. I get that context is gained from KC’s setting, but fuck ‘im. Spread your wings. Break free from the mediocrity that is KC. And don’t assume the reader knows everything about a given setting before a detail like this ruins a scene.

    —((insert three-and-a-quarter-paragraph infodump here)) / “…What?” There was a hint of concern in his mother’s voice upon the inquiry.”
    What was his inquiry, again? It’s been three-and-a-quarter paragraphs and I can’t remember. Don’t infodump right in the middle of dialogue like this. If you have to dump info, do it before or after a scene, or sprinkle details in between.

    — “she was a zealous supporter of the church through and through,”
    Oh, that would’ve helped create tension earlier. That isn’t just an off-hand detail. Although, the reader knowing that she isn’t his mother won’t exactly feel the same tension as the kid. I, personally, didn’t feel any tension during this scene. If you want the reader to feel his tension, then maybe keep the reveal that Mama’s not Mama from the reader until the shocking twist later or something.

    — “The boy realized that she had even used the term “mamono”… or outright affectionate from amongst pro-monster groups.”
    Okay, so I guess both words are used in this setting? And I guess it’s kind of explained here? I get that this is KC-Land fanfiction, I just find the word “mamono” insufferable. Don’t worry, though, I won’t mention it anymore.

    — “You are a boy. A virile, young male.”
    One of these things is not like the other. Alternatively, call the police.

    — “Truth be told, (the) young man didn’t actually have any sort of hidden stash, however it had been a little frustration (frustrating) to put things back in their place the last time his mother sorted through his things”
    Fix this mess. Lots of unnecessary words here, too. Delet them.

    — “Before descending, he gave her one last glance and she kindly waved her illusion-clad hand in turn; finally, he was gone, and that’s when the demon let out a winded sigh.”
    You’re overusing semicolons. They really aren’t fit for most grammatical situations, so they feel very forced here. A quick Ctrl+F and it looks like you’ve used semicolons around 40+ times. Ease off.

    — ““Fufu…”
    Fuck off.

    — “… for the meantime,” the dark entity smirked as the brightness blah blah blah”
    Put a period instead of a comma at the end of dialogue if the description outside of the quotation marks doesn’t complete the sentence began in the dialogue. This dialogue, for example, will end with a period because it completes the sentence:
    –The crusader stepped on the monster’s neck and said, “You got a purty mouth.”
    This dialogue will end with a comma, because the sentence continues:
    –Despite being stepped on, she said, “My mouth ain’t purty,” and fried him with magic I guess.
    Basic descriptors for dialogue (he said/she said) are usually the most efficient. Just remember to punctuate properly.

    I could go on, but I’m tired of the “Fufufu”s and “mamono”s and “…”s after the first third of it. Let me know if I misunderstood anything or if you have any questions about what I said.

    1. Nope, your criticisms are pretty much spot on. Yes, i was using Mamono and monster girl/etc. interchangeably, although nowadays i’ve strayed from using the word entirely.

      Concerning the very poorly described setting, i wont deny that i was completely uncertain what i was going for. The setting was supposed to be KC’s (more or less), and concerning that his MGE and its associated books contain an odd assortment of things taken from several time periods and whatnot, i just refused to think in that regard.

      That is entirely my error.

      Now on to the overly used ellipsis and semicolons. For all of my writing “experience”, I’m a little self-taught. Truthfully speaking, i hadn’t truly undergone extensive study regarding grammar and such, despite knowing i aught to. I assume that you probably suspected this much throughout the read. My apologies, regardless.

      You mention the name Desira, and your distaste for it. Ironically, i too find it to be a bit too “easy”, but Road of Corruption had already been written by the time i realized this, and i was unwilling to make the change going into Depravity (its extended rewrite). Perhaps a second revision could be done, fixing all the addressed problems.

      I have been mulling over the thought of creating a fresh start for a while, actually. Perhaps i could pull it off after all. We’ll see.

      Allow me to wrap this up with a thank you. In all sincerity, i do very much appreciate you taking the time and effort to critique me, and so thoroughly. Nobody else has done so at this level, and i’m quite pleased that i’ve been shown and taught a few things. i am also most thankful for the few tips, suggestions and examples you provided along the way.

      Thanks again! I will do better.

  4. Well this is quite interesting.

    At first i was confused how the perspective changed in tone, but I realized soon that the 1st person narritive changes depending on who’se thoughts were being conveyed.

    With that said in mind, this was an excellent intepretation of what the “victim” would do. Oblivuous to anytbing beyond the “truth” told to him, it really made you feel for the character despite being the reader knowing that everything that would happen would be far from the horrific truth that Evan concluded.

    On the other hand, Desira approached the situation as carefully as any love depraved demon would. She carefully read the situation on hand and tried to carefully deescalate it as gently as possible, but couldn’t help but tease the poor lad out of excitement since she finally has the chance to act on her desires.

    I’ll definately be reading the rest. Good work ^_^!

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