A Serpents Love

Brian was uncomfortably warm.  The heat of the area did not sit well with him.  He had been raised in the frozen north, and zero to ten degree weather was what his body was accustomed to.  He was still in this sweltering climate because while he was trying to get away from the stress of his day to day life, he had a fateful encounter with a women.  The lady in question was on his mind now, not only because she was always on his mind, but because he was looking forward to the sweet, cooling, velvety embrace of her scales.   
Just thinking about it made him feel a bit of relief. The underside of her long serpentine body had the effect of cooling him off better than any drink or bath.  As a Shirohebi Lynn’s body was covered in beautiful white scales, she also had a small pattern of red scales down her side that formed a row of chain linked hearts, a pattern that seemed unique to her family.  After moving to this province he acquired a job as a city guard in one of the towns nicer districts.   
This allowed him to stay close to the temple where Lynn worked and lived.  Passing through the main gate of the temple grounds, he glanced around for his darling snake.  While she had the benefit of blending into the group of women tending to the temple, he stood out like a sore thumb.  Being a foreigner in Zipangu made him a foot taller and a few shades fairer than the usual visitors to these holy grounds.  What this did is make him very easy to spot and being distracted looking for his love, incredibly easy to sneak up on.   
He suddenly felt two arms drape over his shoulder and a familiar weight press into his back.  “Greetings lover.”  The sensual purr in her voice floated into his ear and sent a slight shiver down his spine.  “Evening dear heart.”  He leaned his face to the right in such a way that their heads touched.  They stayed like this for a moment before the giggling of a gaggle of young miko, both human and mamano brought them out of their own little world.  Like other mamano shirohebi both craved and needed many forms of affection.  They are however viewed as holy and proper making them as easily embarrassed as any human women caught in the act.  While Brian having lived the life of a surly adventurer was merely upset by the interruption, Lynn’s face darkened a deep shade of red.  “Adorable” was all Brian could say.   
Taking a moment to compose herself Lynn’s face had returned to its normal alabaster shade.  “Sush you. A priestess of my standing should have better control over herself.”  “I’m fine with it, your flushed face is beyond cute.  I may even start going out of my way to see it more often.”  Her face began to flush again.  “Jerk, to think I would have fallen for such a cruel man.”  Her face wore a pained expression.  Before she could move on with her act Brian moved in for a kiss.  Her soft cool lips pressed against his own filled him with a hunger he knew but one way to sate.  Pulling away he looked into her eyes.  “Please tell me you are done for the day.”  Looking away from him she muttered.  “A-almost, why don’t head to my domicile and wait for me there.”  With an exagerated sigh he muttered an acknowledgement and left giving her a peck on the cheek.  As he walked away he imagined the blush on the pale snakes face.   
Walking through the temple was always surreal for him.  There was nothing quite like the massive compound back home.  He’d always thought of a temple as being one of the Orders churches.  The stone structures absolutely nothing like the sprawling grounds of the zipangese temple.  Each of the elder attendants had a small home on the grounds.  It made the temple seem like a gated community.  As he turned the corner leading to the living area, he almost walked into the Ryu who was worshipped at the temple.  
Brian had never put much faith in religion.  Having had originally been raised in a farming town, and was familiar with various mamano such as were-sheep and holsts, he had never been one to put much stock in the hate speech of the order.  He’d assumed though that it was easier to give to a temple when one could go in and speak with the very goddess you came to worship.   
“My apologies Lord Brian.”  He always thought it was funny the way she always put  lord in front of his name.  “It is I who should apologize Lady Yuna.  I should have been paying more attention to where I was walking instead of day dreaming.”  The water dragon had a sly smile on her face.  “No doubt thinking of one of my attendents Lord Brian.”  Chuckling to the joke he responded, “What else would i be day dreaming about?:”  “Who else indeed.”  Before Brian had a chance to correct her, she offered a good day ad began to slither away with slightly more shashay than he remembered her having.  Not that he often looked mind you.   
Continuing on his way he approached Lynn’s home.  She often left her home unlocked due too the security in the temple.  Opening the door he glanced around the main living space and walked over to the long sofa in what Lynn referred to as her conversation pit.  It was essentially a waist high depression in the floor with a few couches and pillows.  He removed his city issued security gear so he could relax a little bit.  As a testement to how much time he spent here Lynn had gone and bought an armor stand so his gear would not just it in a slump on the floor.  He moved to lay down on one of her sofas and decided that now would be a excellent time to take a short nap.
Waking up to the sound of a door shutting Brian cracked an eye open and noticed Lynn sliding into her home.  Quickly shutting his eyes so she wouldn’t notice he had wawoken.  Listening for the slight soft shushing noise her scales made on the floor.  He could hear her move from the door to just in front of the sofa he lay upon.   
After a period of silence she spoke in a hushed voice, “My pretty little man.  What kind of mouse falls asleep in a snake’s den.”  He felt a hand tenderly touching his face clearly trying not to awaken him.  “Such handsome features I could just eat you up.”  He felt her slowly begin to move her long scaled tail next to him on the sofa.  “With all my heart I wish nothing more than to hold you in my scales.  Were it not for my duty to Lady Yuna, truly it would be all I do.”  
Brian decided that now would be the best the best time to reveal his farce.  Opening his eyes he spoke in a equally soft tone, “Were it not for my job I would never leave your embraace.”  Looking upon her face she had gone as red as a rose in bloom.  “You uh…you heard all that did you?”  Smirking as he spoke he said, “Yes maam, especially the part where you compared me to a rodent.”   
She began blushing deeply and stuttering.  “Wwwwell I said mouse so they are much cleaner than most…”  “Ah so I’m a pretty rodent then.”  “Shut up and go back to sleep you were much cuter that way.”  He chuckled, “Oh now you want me to sleep to make it easier for you to eat me up.”  Lynn moved her hands to the side of his face and brought her lips to his.   
When she decided to take the lead it was always incredibly fierce.  Gone was the blushing little priestess and Brian was left with the lewd, lustfull monster.  Her kissing was so forceful that her fangs bumped his cannines, and her long serpentine tounge was squirming about like it was trying to taste every part of him.  Not to be outdone Brian’s own tounge moved into her mouth and did its best to wrap around hers.   
For need of breath Lynn backed off and a thin trail of salive formed between the two lovers.  “Very well I shall eat you up while you are wide awake for the experience.” He was beyond excited for what was about to come and she could feel it.  As she lowered her head oh so slowly delivering kisses to his abdomen as she went his excitement only grew.  He knew that the two were about to have a very long passionate and beautifull night.   
The accursed sun shined bright into the tiny slit in between the dark cutains of Lynn’s home.  fortunately he was not expected at work that morning.  He glanced over to the sleeping face of his Fair skinned lover.  Her hair was a mess, there was drool comming out of her mouth and had formed a small puddle on his chest.  Her loud snoring could have probably awoken the dead.  confident that she was good and unconcious, Brian began untangling himself from limb and tail.   
Finally breaking free from her grasp he was feeling a little gross from a mix of sweat and other bodily fluids.  His shower could wait though.  Walking into the  Kitchen he began brewing a pot of coffee and pulled some eggs and bits of fish from the Lynn’s ice box.  Brian would perfer bacon or sausage but most of the meals in the temple were fish based.  Boiling Lynn’s eggs and frying his own, he stepped away from the stove and moved into her bathroom to relieve himself.   
Heading back to the kitchen he noticed that Lynn had still not moved much.  He then placed the fish in a oiled pan.  He added a spritz of lemon, some salt and a dash of pepper.  He pulled his perkalator off the stove and replaced it with Lynn’s kettle.  He loved her to death but simply could not understand her preference oftea over coffee.   
Back in the ice box he grabbed two scoops of pre-cooked rice and placed them in a pan over a slow burn.  Looking back at his little cuddle snake he decided now would be a good time to wake her.  Placing himself in a position so that he was leaning over her sleeping form, he thought back to a tale form his childhood.  He placed a kiss upon her lips and felt her begin to squirm, but other than that showed no signs of waking.  Clearly more drastic measures were required.   
Pulling the blanket they had covered themselves in had left her upper body exposed.  Her beautifull form lay before him and he moved his had toward her breast to massage the bountifull globes.  As her eyes opened he moved in for a kiss, her eyes opening wide in suprise before slowly fluttering closed again.  Breaking away from the kiss and moving his hand from her generous mound, he offered her a good morning.   
“One hell of a good morning my love, but why stop your ministrtions I was enjoying them.”  Because my dear heart if I do not our breakfast will burn and you will be late for your duties.”  He moved so she could rise up, taking note of the pout on her face.  As she rose she sniffed the air, the smell of breakfast having permiated the room.  Brian wlked into the kitchen and placed the food on plates and then the plates on a tray along with his coffee, her kettle , and some prepackaged tea that Lynn had loved so much.   
As Brian moved over to the conversation pit Lynn moved her self closer to the table and curled her serpentine tail under it.  He sat down next to her placing the tray gently down on the table.  He never undertood the zipangese tradition of sitting like this, his legs always fell asleep.  Lynn placed her head on Brian’s shoulder, something she often did as they ate.  He watched as Lynn dug in to her meal, with a level of grace his clumsy hands could not macth she used the two pieces of wood known as chopsticks to make quick work of her fish.   
While he himself no longer had issue with them, when he first started using them it was certainly an uphill climb.  They ate in silence meerly enjoying each others pressence.  As Brian moved to collect their dirty dishes Lynn reached up and grabbed his arm.  “I am going to take a bath if you wish to join me.”  “I’ll be in as soon as I put these in the sink.”  She moved toward the washroom.  Brian always hated seeing her go but loved to watch her slither away.  due to the way lamia moved they all had a beautifull sway in their hips.   
He placed the dishes in the sink and followed her into the washroom.  In the short time he was gone she had drawn the bath and laid out a collection of towels and wash cloths.  She had already placed herself in the warm water and Brian took a spot accross from her.  The warm water felt good on his skin and he could feel the grim from last nights activities start to wash away.  Feeling the water slosh toward him he new Lynn on her way to his side of the tub.  She put a cloth covered hand on his chest and began to wash his upper body.   
“I can wash myself dear heart.”  “I am aware however if I help you, I will not feel bad about asking you to help me.”  Brian new what she wanted and even though he had helped her time and time again she alays seemed embaressed by it.  “Ah, i see, someone wants her tail scrubbed.”  He felt a punch to his chest.  “Do not say it so bodly it is embarrasing.”   
She stopped her assault long enough to give the washcloth to him.  She positioned herself so that she was leaning on the edge of the tub and a part of her long body was placed in front of him.  starting from her waist and working his way down, he enjoyed the sensation of her smooth scales and the moans she made were always beautifull to his ears.  She compared his work to a deep body massage and always claimed to feel relaxed after his work was done.   
Having spent some time cleaning her body, he was approaching his favorite part.  Many people do not know this but the tail of any lamia is an incredibly sensetive spot on their bodies.  He had even seen a few with a type of jewelry thats sole purpose was to protect this weakness.  Having removed the cloth from his hand he grasped the tip of her tail so that with one hand he could massage the tip.  Lynn turned around and glared at him in shock.   
His response to her stern look was of course to twirl his thumb around the tip of her sensitive tail.  Makng sure to rub every part of it, he watched her tense up and squirm evening biting her finger to try and stifle her moans.  A game they had played before, he teases her and she dose her best to fight it.  She has yet to win one round.   
Sliding his thumb over the tip one more time he finally heard her voice break and her body tense in one final strong spasm before collapsing into a panting mess.  She picked herself and turned to him with a look in her eyes that screamed of the mamano’s predatory lust.  She began coiling her serpentine body around him, the pressure insuring he was not going to escape.  He may have won the set but she was about to win the match.  With his whole body wrapped in her tight embrce she moved in to give him a deep passionate kiss.   
He could still taste the breakfast they ate on her lips.  She began rocking her hips against his letting out small moans each time her slit rubbed up against him in just the right way.  Just as she was about to impale herself on his manly sword a loud gong rang out across the shrine, with each bang her mind began to refocus bit by bit.  “Oh goddess I’m going to be late to my duties.”  She quickly unwrapped from around him and grabbed her robes quickly drying and dressing herself before moving to her little dressing stand to dry and brush her hair.  Realizing that she had calmed down he stood to exit the water when her soft voice broke the silence.   
“Please stay on the temple grounds today.  I know you are off today and I wish for you to be here for meals today and… I have something important to speak with you about.”  Brian felt a pit form in his stomach.  These kind of things did not usually end well for him.  “Can’t we talk now that way I’m not stressed out my whole day off?”  “Do not panic my love it will be a good talk.  I hope.”  She placed a kiss on his lips and slipped out the room before he got a chance to continue the conversation.   
“I’ll be free at meal times so please come to the dining hall.  While the lady is aware of who you are, many of the others do not so lunch time will be a excellent to introduce you.”  He followed her out of the room just in time to see her begin to move out the door.  “What time should i be at the hall?”  “Be there by the first bell.  Please don’t stress about our talk, know that I love you more than anything.”  Giving her a hug and a kiss he whispered.  “And I you.”   
She smiled a big dopey grin, muttered something under her breath that Brian couldn’t hear and slithered out the door.  Now Brian was alone and had to figure out how to kill a few hours.  He thought about cleaning his armor, but he had done so recently and it was not really needed.  Looking at his pile of clothes on the floor he saw his sword in its sheath still attached to his belt.  Many of the other guards used to mock him for his ineligent weapon, right up until he broke two katana that were being held by a wanted murderers hand.  After that not a single member of the city guard mocked him again.   
He moved to his travel bag and pulled out what was essential weapon maintenence supplies.  Oiling a cloth he began cleaning the grit from his blade.  Noticing some nicks in the sword he began to worry what he would do if the blade were to ever be severily damaged.  He had hoped to find a local smith that would be able to forge him another, but sadly he had not progressed far in that particular quest.  Basic maintenece would allow him hopefully to keep the weapon as long as possible.  After a short period he held the blade back and admired it’s shine, and the temple gong broke him from his trance.  Standing up and cleaning up the mess he made.  Deciding that he had lounged around enough, it was time to go for a walk.   
He had never really had a chance to truly explore the grounds, his normal route from the gate to Lynn’s abode gave little view of the whole complex.  He left Lynn’s living quarters and decided to head to the sprawling garden.  Approaching the green expanse Brian could only marvel at the carefully sculpted organic display.   
Trees used as hanging platfrms for all manner of flower and vine, the irigation system carefully organised to appear to be a organic flowing river complete with its own waterfall.  Such a thing must be easy to create with a living goddess who is capable of controlling the flow of water.  He wandered among the verdant field taking in the beautifull view.  Lost in thought he failed to notice that he was not the only person moving among the flowers.   
Lady Yuna had managed to sneak up on the distracted young man, and did not notice her presence until she spoke.  “Good morning Lord Brian.”  Turning around he finlly noticed the large green dragoness.  Lasy Yuna was gorgeous, the kind of etherial beauty one would expect from a being who is worshipped as a goddess of the people in this town.  The green scales on her body shined as if they had been polished.  Her dark mauve hair flowing down t her gentle curving hips.  Her perfect alibastor skin standing out from her shined scales.   
“Lady Yuna, my apologies I did not mean to intrude.”  “Nonsense Lord Brian, these grounds welcome all who wish to visit our holy shrine.”  She had moved within arms reach of him before he realised it.  Some part of him wanted to be on guard with her this close.  He still remembered the old men of his home warning him that dragons coveted what they did not have, but she was a water dragon right, they were known for being creatures of wisdom and grace.   
“I will assume Lord Brian, that due to your early arrival here here that you spent the evening with Lynn.”  As she was speaking she began to press herself close to him.  He could feel her body heat through his clothes.  “Do you like girls with more scale than skin Lord Brian?”  His previous experience with mamano meant that he had to watch his words here.  “Well Lady Yuna, I am with Lynn, and I like her, love her actually, so I quess you could say I do.”   
Something moved behind him and Yuna pushed him down slightly so that he was sitting on something.  The texture and feeling quickly made it apparent that he was now sitting on a part ooof Lady Yuna’s tail.  In the back of his mind he began looking for a way out, an unusual thought to have in a open garden.  He was now going to have to use all of his skill and cunning as a ex-adventurer to survive this.  Unfortunately he now realised that there were now two coils of water dragon wrapped around his legs.   
Oh dear, I hope that ryu are not as strong as their western counterparts or i may be in some serious trouble Brian thought to himself.  “Lady Yuna if I may, I fear my legs may be falling asleep.”  Lady Yuna seemed undisturbed by his protest.  “Oh Lord Brian I am quit certain that Lynn has squeezed you much much tighter.”  The goddess had a coo in her voice and a look in her eye that made Brian start to sweat just a bit.   
“Would you like to know a secret Brian?”  He sheepily shook his head convinced that even if he said no the women would simply ignore it.  “I love that you are here.  the people of the province will not approach me for fear I will ruin their crops.  I cannot talk to my attendents they look to me for guidance and that makes it hard to speak to them as equals.  You Brian however, talk to me as if I were any other women.  Sure you speak with respect but no more than you do to any other person I have seen you interact with.”   
She stopped talking and her face had flushed to a deep red.  she was wearing a look on her face that bore a sense of hesitation.  “Lord Brian may I ask you a personal question?”  She had hid her face behind her claws so that all he could see was from the eyes up.  Again he shook his head.  she began to stutter slightly like a school girl confessing her love.  “Wwww-would you be willing to love a goddess of the water over a snake of the land?”   
Oh gods, she was in fact declaring her love.  Brian began to sweat, and panic began to slowly set in to his brain.  He loved Lynn more than any other being on this earth.  Right now however, a blushing Ryu had two, oh shit three, three whole coils wrapped around his body.  He had heard tales f scorned dragons rampaging through small towns after the men they loved.  A loud bong rang out across the gardn and almost as if a switch had flipped in Lady Yuna seemed to regain her composure.  “Oh my, I am going to be late for midday meal the shirohebi will worry.”  She turned quickly and began to rush away when she spoke once more.  “Please think about what I have said Lord Brian.”  Before he could respond she quickly slithered away.  Saved by the bell, but now lunch was going to be veery awkward.
Brian slowly made his way to the dining area and saw Lynn waiting for him.  She smiled as she watched him aproach.  Giving him a quick peck on the cheek and wrapping her arm around his she led him into the hall.  The meal itself was a simple one mostly consisting of fish and rice.  All in attendance were caretakers of the shrine.   
Many of them were paired off as couples, husbands and wives sat about enjoying their meals.  Brian sat next to Lynn and was almost immediately bombarded by dozens of questions.  Where did he come from, what did he do before he came here, what was life like in the west, the usual get to know you questions.  Periodically he noticed that Lady Yuna would stare at him for extended periods.   
Whenever he noticed this he would always try to make physical contact with Lynn.  He hoped that if she noticed how close they were she would forget about the events earlier in the day.  Brian thought about wether or not to tell Lynn about his encounter with Yuna.  Thinking about it he decided to find out what time Lynn would be home.  
“I’ll be home around the fifth bell.  Your not still worried about our talk are you.”  “I’m not panicking about that but there is something i wish to speak to you about, and I would perfer if we did it in privacy.”  She looked at him with a bit of a sly expression.  “Oh my, now it’s my turn to worry about our little talk.”  She giggled slightly at her own joke.  Noticing that people had begun to clean up their plates and trays Brian began to tand up and Lynn followed.   
As the other shirohebi move toward Lady Yuna , Lynn does the same giving brian a kiss goodbye.  during the exchange he noticed that Yuna did not at any point stop staring at them.  deep down inside he hoped that she understood that he loved Lynn and would not betray her.  Watching the ryu be ushered out by her attendants Brian wondered what other fun the day would hold.  He knew that the temple would be closed at around the fifth bell so he still had a lot of time to kill.   
Brian had already explored the largest part of the grounds and decided to check out some of the other sights around the grounds.  He avoided the main building of the temple to dodge another awkward situation with the temples ryu.  The sun began to dip into the horizon and Brian made his way back to Lynn’s little home.  He always felt at peace here.  Something about the calm living space brought him a level of peace he had never quite felt before.   
He thought about why this brought him such a feeling.  Perhaps it was the fact that it was Lynn’s home, was the knowledge that Lynn would return here, was that what brought him such serenity.  While he mused on such thoughts he heard the front door open.   
Turning around he made out a white blur before he felt a hard impact on his chest.  Loking down he noticed his beautifull white snake hugging him tightly, her long tail trailing behind her.  “Ok I missed you too.”  “Not why I am hugging you, love you sosososo much.”  Brian looked at her and noticed there were tears streaming down her face.  “Love whats the matter?”  “I had a talk with Lady Yuna today.  I had no idea that she had feelings for you.  She told me she confronted you with this and that you resisted her.”   
He began stroking her hair trying to soothe the crying women.  “Hey, you wanna know something?”  The crying girl nodded her head.  “You are the most important person in my life.  I will never put another before you.  Even if I have to reject a goddess you are the only women I want.”  Her sobbing only seems to increase and she begins muttering I love you over and over again like a mantra trying to impress in him the depths of her love.   
He lifts her head up and kisses her deeply silencing her murmering and seemingly calming her.  She enjoys the kiss before pushing back slightly and exploring his mouth with her own pink muscle.  They moved together as one back to the couch their day started on. She made quick work of both their clothes, leaving them in a messy pile on the floor.  Taking no time for foreplay they joined as soon as they landed on the sofa.  Tangled in a mess of limb and tail their passion lasted well into the night as well as into the morning.   
When they finally collapsed into one another a panting, fluid covered mess they lay there simply holding onto one another enjoying the pressence of their ost important person.  A thought then occured to Brian.  “Hey what did you wanna talk about today?”  Lynn’s head slowly moves to look up at him her eyes looking like they may close into sleep at any moment.  
“Brian, why do we live seperately?”  Clearly meant to be rhetorical she spoke again.  “You spend your days off here and I spend much of my free time in your home.  You could save money by moving in with me.  We could share all our free time together, and share all our nights and days in OUR home.”  She began rambling all the reasons it would be a great idea.  He enjoyed watching the snake squirm and blush while she tried to voice her reasoning.
He decided to cut her off with a quick peck on the lips.  “Lynn you don’t have to explain.  Everything you said is 100% true and I completely agree.  I’ll talk to my land lord about it tommorow.”  The women’s face brightened and she hugged him tightly.  She begins kissing every part of his face.  Brian new that he was going to be busy the next few days between work and the move, but knowing that he would get to spend more time with the women he loved would make it all worthwhile.   
Noticing that Lynn had stopped her attack, he looked down to to see the exhausted serpent nuzzling into his chest.  Looking to be on the edge of sleep she said but one last thing before sleep took her.  “Love you Brian.”  Brian smiled knowing that the words she spoke were true.  He thought about all the things in his life that led him to this moment, that him being here right now was all because someone told him Zipangu would make a great vacation spot.  Thinking about all this he looked down at the slumbering mamano and before he followed her into dreamland he whispered, “I love you too Lynn.”

14 votes, average: 3.93 out of 514 votes, average: 3.93 out of 514 votes, average: 3.93 out of 514 votes, average: 3.93 out of 514 votes, average: 3.93 out of 5 (14 votes, average: 3.93 out of 5)
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9 thoughts on “A Serpents Love

  1. Hmmmmmm. Ok. The plot’s ok! That much is fine. It’s a bit saccharine, mills and boon-ish, and the Ryu angle isn’t really resolved per se, but as a general direction, it works. If there was some kind of confrontation maybe, between your three leads? Or the Ryu actually giving up? Who knows. Maybe even have the Shirohebi really torn between her love and her devotion to the Ryu, and having to choose her own love over her self effacing duty. Stuff like that.

    On the bricks and mortar elements of your actual writing… Eh. It’s an amateur effort. That could be somewhat allayed if you were to properly proof this, it’s full of spelling mistakes and composition errors. The most glaring being you have people talking in giant blocks of paragraphs, rather than a separate paragraph per speaker. This seems to be a serious issue amongst the writers here, and I have no idea why.

    On the actual /quality/ of your writing… Well…
    Imagine being in a car with a person learning how to shift gear for the first time.
    That was my reading experience.
    There’s little flow, no grace. Everything is jerky, stop start, with over statement running rife, it’s almost more an After Action Report, than a piece of smutty fiction.
    Some really unfortunate effects of writing smutty fiction without much personal experience of smut rear their ugly heads here too.
    “Impaled on his manly sword” wasn’t ever a suave metaphor, rather a joke for Freud and Jung to laugh at. It has a “and then they did done sex to each other” feel in the smutty parts. Saying that, smut is ridiculously, notoriously hard to write well…

    If you had more practice, properly proofed your work, and achieve a certain quality of literary effect, you could do well.
    Read more, it’ll help.

    1. Thank you for your critic Eyepop. This is my first bit of fiction and the romance sections were very hard for me to write mostly because I’m more of a king and Koontz reader and my only experience reading “smut” or “romance” was either here or MGE wiki. The story was originally for the contest a few months back and I cut alot of content to try and get it under 5000 words which I failed to do anyway. I intend to flesh it out more here in the future. I’ve also learned to stop trusting word to proof read for me.

      1. Ahaha, well with those references you’re bound to suffer. Bob writes (generally) consistently good smut, as does Penywise, whom you’ll have to search out. The latter has a very set “type”, and errs towards the saccharine too. For romance… Nnnn, thunderbrother is the obvious choice, he does great long form stories.

        Whilst I think horror should be the bones of all MG stories, King and Koontz aren’t going to help you much. I can’t say anything of their quality, as I’ve never read them… But I’ve never felt the need to read them either, so that’s a judgement in and of itself.
        Its always healthy to have as wide a reading as you can possibly manage. Start putting out feelers for different genres and different authors. If you suck at that, just pick what ever sounds good on Le Monde’s 100 books of the century or whatever that list is called. Can’t really go wrong with a classic. Generally speaking anyways.

        That’ll be good! I’m a firm believer that stories shouldn’t ever be a word more or a word less than they absolutely need to be. The story should dictate the length, unless you’re a brutal editor and a capable draughtsman.

        Yeah. Don’t ever rely on spellchecker. Its worthless for the most part. Did you actually read back what you were writing at all? Or just sped through for the deadline? I feel you could shape this up if you gave it another thorough edit now.

  2. Loved the story, the only thing which dampened my experience was those misspellings. Apart from that, I love your word choices to explain the motions and surroundings.

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