Tag Archives: comedy

The Testing Phase

25 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 5 (25 votes) (4.60)

-One unlucky man wakes up to find himself in the worst testing environment since Aperture Science-

Groggy and uncomfortable, John awoke. This was a mistake, as the fierce glare of the fluorescent lights above him burned into his retinas, making him instinctively roll to his side and tightly shut his eyes. The after image remained, as did the dull pain, and in his half-awake daze he swore never to open them again.

Naturally, it was a promise he couldn’t keep. You can’t just lay around on the floor all day, especially when the floor in question is hard, cold – and as it dawned on John once he had become more wakeful – not his usual sleeping arrangement. Coming to the conclusion that he’d passed out in the kitchen after a night of drinking, he slowly opened his eyes once more, taking great care to shield them from the blinding light with his arm.

Squinting and still hazy with sleep, he sat up and assessed the room around him, slowly adjusting to the light. Both the walls and floor in this tiny room were grimy and worn, as if the place was abandoned long ago. That ruled out the kitchen then, this place was far too clean.

Still unsure of his whereabouts, he staggered to his feet, becoming increasingly aware that something was very wrong. Maybe it was the old television monitor and camera fixed to the wall, maybe it was the strange machine sitting and humming ominously in the centre of the room…

Or maybe it was that the only door to this windowless place was a closed steel shutter.

“HELLO!?” He called out, faintly hoping this was some sort of prank. He was new to his job and for all he knew this office could have some really advanced hazing traditions. “IS ANYONE THERE!?”

The ancient monitor burst into life. A pretty, yet emotionless pale face filled the screen. It stared impassively at John with red, slightly glowing eyes. It’s mouth opened mechanically and began to talk in a distorted growl:

“Hello, John. I want to play a game.”

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Just Another Zombie Movie

17 votes, average: 4.53 out of 517 votes, average: 4.53 out of 517 votes, average: 4.53 out of 517 votes, average: 4.53 out of 517 votes, average: 4.53 out of 5 (17 votes) (4.53)

-Anon wants to make a horror film starring real monsters but quickly learns their “talents” lie elsewhere-

“Get off me, GET OFF ME!” The man screams, as the shambling hoard greedily lunges at his flesh. The mass of writhing bodies collapses onto the floor on top of their victim as he howls bitterly in despair. Cold, pale hands hungrily claw all over his body, desperately pulling and tearing wherever they can as their prey screams and struggles against inevitability.

One inhumanly strong hand greedily clutches its victim by the shoulder and its owner crawls up to the desperately thrashing man’s face. The creature opens its mouth full of razor sharp teeth and-

Affectionately nuzzles his neck

“Oh for fu- CUT!” This is the fourth time this afternoon. I don’t care if it takes all day, these girls are going to do it right.

“But I thought that went really well!” The Zombie pouts, still straddling her victim.

I get up off my directors chair. It’s technically a carp fishing chair, but it helps me feel like the real thing. It’ll have to make do until I prove myself through this project. “Where’s the aggression? Where’s the inhumanity?”

“Well, I am raping him, you can’t get more aggressive than that!” She argues, hands on hips. I can see this isn’t going to be easy.

“What? No, you’re supposed to be eating him.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?”

“Obviously not for real!” Fuck Craigslist, these extras are terrible even by the usual standard. “Grab a bunch of those organs over there and just cram them in your mouth, like you’re-”

“That’s vile!”

“BUT I’M VEGETARIAN!”

“Wait, we’re the bad guys?”

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No-Lifer

18 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 5 (18 votes) (4.78)

-Anon must suffer the world’s worst dungeon keeper as he assists her in repelling a Paladin attack-

“Adam…” Shanna murmured, her thighs twitching in anticipation. Her attention was now entirely focused on me, leaving her character at the mercy of the enemy hordes. She stood up and the bathrobe slid to the floor in a heap around her ankles, completely exposing her pale, shapely body. We both stared longingly into each others eyes, as her delicate hands slid down my chest towards my belt and began do undo the buckles. I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her mouth, slightly biting her lower lip and causing the lich to pull my head in for a deeper, more passionate kiss. Our tongues began to slowly explore their way around each others mouths as a slight moan of pleasure whimpered from Shanna’s throat. A few impatient tugs later and my belt came loose, followed by my pants.

She slipped down onto her knees, and reached out for the hard object in front of her. The liches fingers lovingly caressed it, teasing and stroking in all the right places with finesse. Her skill wasn’t surprising; she’d done this countless times before, and she only got better at it with each passionate session. The lich gazed lovingly at her handiwork with a faint smirk as she saw the thing beginning to react to the stimulation. She looked up at me and our eyes met.

“For fucks sake, Shanna, Put down the DS!”

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The Cure-All

18 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 5 (18 votes) (4.61)

-Anon goes to the doctors to cure his sleeplessness and finds he needn’t have bothered-

You hurriedly flip over the pages looking at the other questions Nadia is likely to ask you as the Lich rapidly glides over towards you.

‘Sensitivity to touch:’

‘Level of arousal before experiment:’

‘level of arousal after experiment:’

“Are you sure you’re a fully qualified doctor?” You ask as the nervousness in your voice begins to show.

The clipboard is snatched from your hands by a powerful yet invisible force and gently comes to a halt in the doctor’s hand. You notice she is holding a small vial containing a faintly glowing purple liquid. It’s actually quite pretty really, the same colour as her eyes. Like hell you’re drinking that, though.

“I assure you I am the most respected necromancer in my realm.” The Lich unhelpfully replies.

You stare at the bottle in her extended hand, eyeing the contents nervously. “Uh… what is it?”

“Just drink it. Doctor’s orders.”

Frankly, it looks poisonous. You know you’re not meant to swallow something if it’s glowing or the result of a dead person’s mad experiments. “But-”

Dr. Nadia presses the vial into your hand almost impatiently. “Do you want to cure your sleeplessness or not?”

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Home Improver Stories: Regina’s Garden

19 votes, average: 4.42 out of 519 votes, average: 4.42 out of 519 votes, average: 4.42 out of 519 votes, average: 4.42 out of 519 votes, average: 4.42 out of 5 (19 votes) (4.42)

When one of Regina’s associates is threatened, what steps will our noble Alraune take to keep him safe?

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Holding Hands

18 votes, average: 2.33 out of 518 votes, average: 2.33 out of 518 votes, average: 2.33 out of 518 votes, average: 2.33 out of 518 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5 (18 votes) (2.33)

The rod of steel was stopped inches from Kazumi’s head before it could enter her brain. Kazumi’s paw was locked around the middle of the blade, and she wasn’t even bleeding. The knight landed on her heels in front of the eight-foot tall beauty, struggling to make her sword move an inch. She couldn’t. Kazumi’s grip on the blade tightened, and then she simply twisted her paw around. The blade shattered into pieces, leaving the empty hilt in the knight’s hand.

The knight gaped at the part of her sword in her hand, her face a picture of shock and awe. She then raised her eyes to Kazumi’s face, and screamed in frustration. She swung the useless hilt at Kazumi’s side, but it was intercepted with a powerful paw gripping her wrist. She turned the knight’s arm around, bringing it behind her back, and grabbed her throat with the other paw in a death grip.

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