Don’t know how many people will read it but here is the revamped version of Wormhole Chapters 4 of 5. I’m getting ready for a release on other sites so I felt it had to be done. Still the same continuity as chapters 6 and beyond, just spruced up with some extra bits added. Chapter 12 will be coming soon.
Enjoy and comment.
Jason’s log. Star date: Who gives a shit.
After traveling back to the portal site, I had got to thinking. Dangerous, I know.
These portals had brought me trouble, but perhaps there was a silver lining. Obviously if Skarliks could come through, then so could various other technological advancements that no one in this world, save for one schmuck, would know what to do with…
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
I definitely had some personal projects in mind and this could prove very beneficial. So I made up my mind to haul back as much equipment as I could, multiple trips if necessary. It was risky and time consuming, but it was what I knew best; Earthly technology. Even if something wasn’t functional anymore, I’d find some use for it. And being able to kick bigger asses with better weaponry was always a plus. I fought for survival, not for the thrills. Well… sometimes for the thrills.
Despite the silver lining, there was still a major thorn in my ass. It was likely that many more of these portals would pop down the line. Where, when, and how many? Well, I’d need Doc Brown’s DeLorean to answer that. If there’s one thing for sure about wormholes, it’s that nothing is for sure.
On one hand, that meant that more equipment, tech, and other sweet goodies would come through the portals, giving me all kinds of toys to work with and experiment on. But on the other hand, that meant that the portals could bring more Skarliks. Many more Skarliks, and armed much more dangerously than the two bastards that I’d dealt with. That was definitely a big price to pay. Even a few Skarliks would be big trouble for any world they decided to invade. I’d seen that first hand, and I didn’t want to see it again. I was one man against a potential army, but I wasn’t about to let the Skarliks run loose on this world. I couldn’t. The gear to be acquired was great, but I might just have to kill to get it. With great power comes great responsibility and all that stuff. Thanks Uncle Ben.
This whole situation was like a loot box scam. What would I get; something good, something bad, or a mixed bag? Regardless, Though the odds were against me, I had to know, like a sucker.
Any way I chose to look at it, I always drew the same conclusion: if I played my cards right, then maybe returning home wasn’t impossible…
Live long and prosper… hopefully.
I temporarily lived in my little clubhouse for a few days until I eventually acquired a room at another hotel in Vallick. This one was run by a Inari. Nice that I could sleep easier knowing that no one would pound-the-pillow with me out of nowhere during the night, but… I was always finding hair in my food and drinks. There goes another hotel rating.
As I found out, Tifa’s hotel was off limits. In addition to the whole PR nightmare from before, the whole place had been quarantined due to the outbreak of that Biohazard-level hormone drug. Gee, you don’t say? Are going to have a Resident Evil scenario on our hands? Hilariously, Tifa and her employees had to be quarantined for a month and get that rape “stimulant” flushed out of their system. As if rape was above their standards beforehand. That’s the second time I managed to elude rehab.
The past few months were busy indeed but surprisingly didn’t include Skarliks. The only things I found at the portal sites were equipment, which I gleefully hauled back to my workshop to work my own kind of magic. I would spend hours breaking down and building anything I could to make my life easier in this world. It was like a regular daytime job as some kind of mad scientist.
I had bigger plans in mind, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Since a tracking device, two laserguns, and a helmet weren’t exactly my idea of a BFG-9000, I figured some artillery was in order. No way to make serious firearms, so I scrambled together some small explosive devices, like a few mines, some flash bombs, and a spark grenade. Wish a grenade launcher would had fallen out of a portal but it was better than nothing.
Survival gear aside, I often got bored and built things for fun. Such as a primitive Christmas light show made from a computer circuit, a string of lights, and a speaker. Cue the Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Carol of the Bells on my I-PRO and I’m set for the holidays. Maybe I could get a Harpy and a Holstaur to help me with some eggnog.
Recently, I’d been spending a couple days in Haybrew. You want bottom-of-the-barrel, you got Haybrew. Bottom-of-the-beer-barrel, was more like it. If Vallick was Miami, Haybrew was Chicago. 1930s Chicago at that. You got gangs, rapists, thieves, rapists, thugs, rapists, slums, rapists, murderers, rapists, gamblers, rapists, con-artists, and more rapists. To be fair, everywhere in this world had mamano rapists, but here is where raping a guy was practically a sporting event. Think of Bill Cosby on American Gladiators sponsored by the Price is Right. Bob Barker got lots of pussy on that show, didn’t he?
At least in Vallick, mamano were classy enough to rape guys in private.
And what a reception I got when I entered town. A pair of skanky Succubi flirted with me before I even stepped off my cart. With arched backs and luscious asses pointed up in the air, they flashed me their glowing pink eyes, signaling their sneaky demonic powers trying to work me into a horndog. They had opened shop and were just begging me to come inside. Tsk tsk. Sorry but I was only window-shopping. I thought I’d cool them off as I grabbed both their asses and shoved them face first into the fountain they were leaning on. Too easy.
But my latest incident two days later was a real doozy. Out of nowhere, an Ocelomeh had pinned her curvy body up against me as I exited a shop. I didn’t even get a chance to draw a bead on her before she got the upper hand, or paw whatever. Lustfully she whispered into my ear that if I quietly took it like a man, she might not use her claws.
My heart was beating like an execution march. How fitting. Hope it wasn’t too loud to set her off.
Being the crafty little rat that I was, and knowingly risking her claws if I made a move, I played to the spectators for assistance, specifically a Raiju. After professing my hard-on for her, the ecstatic rodent came to my aid, launching herself at the Ocelomeh and leaving me free. Mamano and sexual competition, gets them every time. Such a shame that the prize had slipped away.
Later, I entered a lowbrow barroom. Inside was like an old Western; people were drinking away their problems about jobs they didn’t have, lots of people were playing cards, and a few ass-clowns were dancing poorly to the poor musicians. Lead by example, I suppose. Of course there was sex going on in various locations. Did I mention rape, before? Some High Orc was dragging the leg of a skinny, weeping bastard out the back door and off to puberty. Hell of a way to make a man out of someone.
Why would I come to this charming vacation spot? Well, I enjoyed being there as much as Fay Wray enjoyed accompanying King Kong on his tour through New York City, but I wasn’t exactly there to make some high society friends. As trashy as it may have been, it wasn’t without something to gain. Haybrew was a known spot for selling and acquiring pricey loot from the underworld. Loot that couldn’t even be sold behind the shops’ dark curtain in the bigger cities. As if a black curtain for a porno section would ever exist in this depraved world. I had my eye on gambling. With me being a male, I was welcomed to cut in on some mamano card games with some good loot. Ironically, no Yu-Gi-Oh card games existed here.
That about brings things up to speed.
“I got a full house” said the Amazoness sitting across from me. She looked like a talking tattoo parlor with legs and tits. Big ones.
“Oh now that’s pretty cute” I said through my face helmet. In these parts, best to have a secret superhero identity. “And here all I have is two pairs of Queens… I mean Maous”. We were playing with a special deck. “Four of a kind, Jungle Janet” I said with a smug smirk, basking in the thrill of victory.
The expression on the Amazoness along with her Dryad and Hinezumi cronies didn’t so much sour as it did stupefy. The gasps from the surrounding audience turned into cheers, complete with a couple of Succubi taking their tops off and throwing them on my head. Guess that makes me a rockstar now.
“How’s that afterglow feel?” I said as I quietly removed their dignity from my head. I claimed my spoils; three vials containing magical barrier elixirs. Great for shielding against whatever shit may hit the fan on the battlefield. A rare favorite of the Order’s mages who went into combat.
As much faith I had in my Earthly weapons, I needed to be more formidable in a fight. Of course being immune to magic was bitchin’, but that also meant that I couldn’t conjure magic from my mind or body. However all was not lost. I could still use potions and elixirs, rather than sorcery, for some badass options in combat. Oh well I was more of a Star Trek kind of guy rather than a Star Wars “force” kind of guy.
I had played card games in this world before, and I usually dominated in them, at least against mamano. These sex-offenders relied too heavily on using their charm spells to blind their opponents and capitalize on any mistakes they made. Or they sometimes just jumped onto the table and twerked until the dude folded like a deck of cards, haha. That put a lot of rust on their natural card skills against men. So I took great pleasure in making their magical mind games crash and burn in glorious fashion. Wish I had my phone on me. I would have loaded my Facebook page with pictures of their dumbfounded expressions. While Wonder Woman here was better than other opponents I’d faced, she still lacked a good poker face. Hashtag GetGood.
“Good doing business with you”. I felt the crowd eye-raping me as I tucked my winnings into my coat and prepared to depart. Back on Earth, I may have not been a repulsive looking dude, but I still never had much luck at attracting the opposite sex. My best chemistry I could sometimes get with a woman was like a hobo and a bottle of booze. Good for a while, but eventually ended up in a street gutter. Here, on the other hand, I made Elvis Presley look like Alec Baldwin.
Sure it was fun. But while being cat-called by a horde of cosplaying floozies acted like vitamins to my male ego, it was also a bit unnerving. Yeah, it wasn’t quite as thrilling as you might think, at least not in this town. I felt less like a pimp and more like a chunk of meat dangling above a pack of hungry lions. And that’s pretty much what they considered me. A sausage no doubt.
Now I know how Megan Fox feels.
As I had hoped, my mask made me look more intimidating. I was already armed to defend myself, but every little bit helps. Makes some of the lesser mamano think twice about making a move. Good, I just had to keep up the mystique long enough to get to the door and flee. I did my best badass gunslinger walk toward the exit.
But my John Wayne moment was cut short as the Amazoness had other plans.
“Hey, Stranger!” she called in a piercing voice. “You’re not planning on leaving are you? We still have some unfinished business. You got your spoils, now I want mine”
“I don’t do tattoos, pilgrim”. Oops; still thinking of John Wayne. “Too many of those could get you limb cancer” I said as my spider sense started to tingle.
She had already stood up by the time I turned around. She then effortlessly threw the table against the wall with only one arm. “I promised these girls an exhibition tonight. And you’re the only guy still here”
A sore loser and a show off. She was an Amazoness; what did you expect?
I actually wasn’t the only guy here. Just the only guy who hadn’t been dragged off yet. The last one on the bench for the big ball game so to speak.
“I don’t recall leaving anything else on the table for you except the bill for the drinks. Unless you’re the type to go back on our little wager?”
“Who’s going back on our wager? I planned to take what I really want from you the moment you sat across from me. Winning or losing just decided how rough I would fuck you. So what are you complaining for? You’re still walking away with the winnings like we wagered. That is if you can still walk after tonight”
Spoken like a true rapist. No wonder she didn’t try to seduce me during our game.
“What’s the matter? Afraid to tell the boys before they play?”
“It’s so much more fun to make it a surprise” she said inciting a chuckle from her two henchwomen.
“Maybe that’s why the guys never return your calls. Regardless, I didn’t put my flagpole up and I don’t plan to”
“Too late. It’s part of the wager every time a human is foolish enough to challenge me”
“Who’s more foolish? The fool or the one who lost to a fool?” I said, giving her something to think about.
“Why you little…” she said as her face started turning red. I wasn’t sure if it was due to me pissing her off by embarrassing her in front of her ho train or arousing her with my fiery tongue. “You best not anger me, boy. You’ll only make it worse on yourself”
Okay, I just crossed the thirty year mark. I know I really wasn’t a grizzled John Wayne by any means, but calling me “boy” was just plain emasculating. I could take a beating any day; at least you came out with some battle scars for show and tell. But being belittled like that was like having to say “I love you” to your mom in front of your entire high school. You would spend the rest of your classes crammed into a locker.
With everything that I had been through at this point since I’d been dropped into this fucked up world, I felt I was owed more respect than that. I’d seen more shit in my life than this skank who spends her days pillaging guys out of their money and underwear. Now I was the one who was pissed off.
“Call me ‘boy’ again and I’ll shove your tail so far up your ass it’ll be tickling your tonsils, bitch. Just let me walk away” I said with a glare so combative that she could probably see it through my helmet. I didn’t care.
“A tough guy, huh? Good. The tough ones are always the most fun to break in” she cooed as she strolled over to me.
It wasn’t until she was right in front of me that I noticed how big Buffy the Forest Gump really was. A full head taller than me with a finely toned body, fit for combat.
Maybe I overreacted to her calling me “boy”
“You ought to cut down on your raw meat” I said, only slightly humbled by her physicality.
My head came up to her considerable chest which she promptly cushioned against my face as her muscular arms trapped my head in a warm embrace.
“Unlikely for what I have in mind. Now take off that helmet, little one. I got plenty of things I want you to do with that wild tongue of yours”. Her words were almost as hot as her body. I could feel the heat from her breasts through my mask. How was that even possible?
“Just so you know, I’m packing heat” I said with a face full of her mounds.
“I’m sure you are” she grinned with a blush on her face. “The heat that’s building in your dick, that’s what I’m interested in”. She began roughly fondling my balls with her tail.
Okay. Enough was enough. I’ll just have to spell it out for her.
“Just let me take my belt off, okay?” I said as I began to reach down.
“Good boy. It’s easier if you-“
Her condescending words were cut off with a cry of pain as I put a laser shot into her foot, breaking her embrace on me. Free from her cleavage, I drew the guns from its holster, ready for a follow up before she could retaliate. One shot to the abs dropped her to her knees, and another shot to the face knocked her backwards. She slid on the ground, stopping at the feet of her subordinates; out cold and sporting a new shiner on her forehead.
She got off easy. Those shots were low powered enough that they wouldn’t penetrate her skin and kill her. I just wanted to dry her loins, so to speak.
The Dryad tended to her fallen leader while the Hinezumi stared a hole straight through me. Or rather burned a hole straight through me.
“You crude fiend!” she hissed with a fire beginning to spark from her fingers.
Wow. This rodent really needed to work on her trash talk.
“Hey, I warned her I was packing heat. She should have settled for using her fingers again tonight” I said.
Through my visors, I detected the heat around Minnie Mouse’s hands and feet beginning to intensify. Her eyes flared up as she lifted her hand towards me. Yay, I got myself into a literal firefight.
“I’ll incinerate you with real heat, you scoundrel!” she cried.
“Take it easy now. She’s not dea-“
Obviously my words had fallen on deaf ears… mouse ears. Looks like my night wasn’t quite over yet.
My adrenaline fired up as I dove over a nearby table, pulling it over into a shielding position. As I expected, an unseen force hit the table with a *thud* followed by some scattered flames flaring over the top of the table.
Great. Another mamano in heat, literally, for me to cool off. She clearly wasn’t in the state of mind to listen to me. But maybe my two sidekicks on my hips could talk some sense into her.
Time to return fire.
I readied my gun for a shot when the table was suddenly batted to the side, leaving me exposed and catching me off guard. Minnie had smacked the table aside and delivered a sharp kick to my wrist, dropping my gun.
What followed was a series of fiery punches and kicks connecting to my head and chest, knocking me to the ground. Damn, her squeak wasn’t worse than her bite. Without my armor and helmet, I wouldn’t have my eyebrows or chest hair anymore. But I wasn’t going to keep taking hits like Glass Joe from “Punch Out”. So I quickly got up to see her closing in for another pummeling.
I knew I didn’t have shit on her in a fist fight, but I’d had enough of her fists of fire. Best thing to do against an honorable martial artist is to fight dirty. Sure you could call me a rat but at least I didn’t have ears like one.
I sidestepped her incoming roundhouse and grabbed her waist from behind. Her skin was pretty hot but soft as could be. Quite stimulating to the touch. In fact, her whole figure was elegantly toned and curvy. Fit like her leader only more petite. But this was no time to cop a feel. Time for some pest control.
I lifted her into the air and suplexed her onto the back of her head and shoulders. And my mom said all those years of watching WWE pay-per-views wouldn’t do me any good. With all the other mamano cheering us on, it could have been for a championship. I guess they’re getting their exhibition after all.
Getting to my feet, I spotted a large pitcher of liquid nearby. Without even thinking, I decided to douse the mouse as soon as she got to her feet. She didn’t even get a chance to react before she got a face full of water.
‘Holy shit, that was water?’, I thought to myself as I remembered that I was in a bar. If that had been alcohol in that pitcher, this place could have went full Hindenburg. What kind of a dumbass plan was that, you idiot!? You gonna let dumb luck keep your ass in one piece!?
As her flames sizzled away, she turned her attention back to me, snapping me out of my mental scolding.
“What!? How dare you throw water on me? Why I’ll-” was all she got out before I fired a shot into her face with my other gun, knocking her back. Guess she didn’t realize that I was packing double the firepower.
With the Hinezumi groaning in pain on the ground, I turned my attention to the Dryad.
“You want to participate in the exhibition, too?” I asked pointing my weapon at her.
“No” she said shaking her head. “but… could we still have sex?”
You’re kidding me. After all of this, she just straight up asks to hop into bed? Was I actually the sane one in this world?
“Do I fucking look like I’m in the mood to have sex?” I snarled at the gall of this clueless girl.
She shuttered like a timid child being scolded by a parent. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean offence by it. My friends prefer the more fierce approach but I prefer asking first. Since you… took care of them, I finally had a chance to ask” she lamented as she checked on her hot friend. As morally confused as I was, I felt the need to say something to the bleeding little heart.
“Don’t worry. Your gals will be fine” I sighed, forcing something decent to come out of my mouth.
“Just some bruises and headaches. And hopefully a bit wiser”
“Oh thank you! But before you go, can… can I at least give you a hug?” she asked hesitantly.
“I want to thank you for not killing my friends. Please…”. I saw the gentleness in her eyes. Not like the other two.
“Fine. Just don’t leave any grass stains” I muttered under my breath and opened my arms.
“Yay!” she exclaimed as she happily dashed over to me and latched onto my torso, gently holding me and nuzzling against my chest. Emotions, echoing through the room; but not for me. I think I heard the crowd let out a tender “Awww” sound like a dumbass sitcom.
As she enjoyed herself, I questioned why they hell I agreed to this. It could have been a ruse for all I knew, so why? Exhaustion? Sympathy? Wanting to make sure that my chest wasn’t so dilapidated to never feel again? WIsh I could say. Regardless, I chose not to hug her back. But even with my distrust still going strong toward her charms, I found myself kind of enjoying it. No, I was still flaccid, so shut up. Maybe it was simply because I hadn’t had something as comforting as this for a long time. Even the Terminator learned how to hug.
Still, I made sure not to let her get carried away.
After peeling her off of me, I spoke. “Try opening with that next time. It’ll save everyone the barroom-brawling”
“Okay” she smiled cutely and hurried back to her friends, allowing me to switch from the Superman persona back to the Batman persona.
I walked over to a Kikmora waitress who had been playing curiously with my other gun. I gave her a shock as I approached and insistently held out my palm. She obediently placed the gun in my hand and shyly bowed.
“Thanks, Fifi” I said dryly.
She blushed as she kept her gaze toward the ground.
“Sorry for the mess but hey, it could have been much nastier if I didn’t fight back” I said, cringing at the thought of being passed around the tavern by a horde of monster girls competing to see who could break my pelvis first. “By the way, are you going to let that table keep burning?” I called to the Kikimora, breaking her obvious boy-shy trance. She let out an adorable gasp and began beating the flaming table with a broom.
I walked toward the door amongst the cornucopia of snickering mamano all giving me the dick eyes. Nope, my visor wasn’t malfunctioning. Most of them had their hands working between their legs as I strode out the door. Nice. Real nice.
I exited the tavern like a true gunslinger. Heading toward my ride, I turned back. Crammed at the door and windows was the same group of hormonal monster chicks, still molesting themselves with their hands and me with their imagination. Guess I left before any of them could finish.
I felt I had a good enough stash of elixir winnings from the past couple days to add to my arsenal. So I decided to finally leave this dump town. Should I wait until tomorrow or-
“There you are, you tricky bastard!” I voiced growled at me once I reached my cart.
‘Bastard’? Someone must know me down here.
It was the Ocelomeh from before, charred and burnt from her last scuffle. Her standing hair made her look like she just came out of the dryer. She was apparently the victor against the Raiju but was, nevertheless, a hilarious sight. Only adding to my amusement was how peeved she was; she looked like Grumpy Cat.
“All that trouble you caused me, well I’m taking it out on your ass” she hissed as she readied her claws for some action. Now did she mean kicking my ass or having rougher sex with me? …Yes.
Of course I had no reservations about going all Han Solo on her but I thought of a better way out of this.
“Oh I don’t know. I like my odds in this game of cat and mouse we’ve been playing” I gibed as I jumped onto my cart and swiftly took off at a quick pace.
I looked back and, just as I suspected, she was pathetically trying to follow behind me. Under normal circumstances, an Ocelomeh could catch a horse and cart easily. But these were not normal circumstances; this feline needed a cat-nap. She struggled and dropped a few times as she fell further and further behind. I probably could have jogged back to Vallick and she still would have eaten my dust.
Looks like this little rat got away with the cheese.
Even though first place was guaranteed, I still rode back to Vallick as fast as I could. I prayed the whole way that none of the other mamano decided to chase me. I didn’t have a stick big enough to beat off that many girls.
Man, in retrospect, maybe those nights back on Earth I spent silently complaining about having nothing to do weren’t so bad after all.
Veina was strange, in case you didn’t pick up on that yet. And as far as I could tell, she was a human. Otherwise, she would have tried to rape me by now. But that didn’t mean she was normal by any means. Always energetic and devoid of boring conversations, I couldn’t quite put a label on her, besides being “enthusiastically eccentric” as she put it. There’s also a certain mystery about her. She has an uncanny ability to sneak up on me out of nowhere. And each time, I don’t buy her old excuse of “Hey there! I just so happen to be passing by when I ran into you and now I’ve decided to spend the rest of the day bullshiting with you because I don’t have anything better to do… nor do you”. To be fair, half the time I didn’t have anything better to do, but that story gets suspicious after the twentieth time. She shows up out of nowhere, and sometimes disappears just as quick. Carefree innocence? Then why can I see the wheels turning in her head whenever I look her in the face? Maybe she’s a malfunctioning robot. I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for smoke to start rising from her ears.
Bottom line, I think I have a stalker, and a good one at that. It seems like Veina’s everywhere. No matter which town I visit, she still manages to track me down. Even when I’m in a town crawling with Order patrols, she still finds me. I couldn’t shake the thought that I was constantly being watched. That sent an uneasy tingle bouncing up and down my spine like a yo-yo. I kept worrying that I was going to wake up only to find that she’d gone all Annie Wilkes and strapped me to a bed, ready to break my legs.
She’s creative, I’ll give her that. She always has a new “topic” for us to discuss. I guess I never gave much thought as to whether an Aspara has to stretch more than an Otohime before they dance but now I know… and I still don’t give two fucks. Or how many bonfires could you fuel with an Ignis’ own special lighter fluid. Or if a Basilisk only wears the mask to hide the fact she’s cross-eyed. Unsurprisingly, Veina had given way too much thought to that.
Still, I can’t help but feel that there’s more to her. Some kind of sensor deep within me was sounding off. Whether it’s that mystifying twinkle in her eye or that devious smile she boasted as I “charmed” her with my usual anti-charm, I felt that there was another side to her. But whenever I looked at her, I couldn’t tell if she was going to break out in a song and dance or just tear my head off. Each time, I was left stumped.
I took particular note of how interested she was in learning about who I was. She never let up; wanting to know every detail like what I ate for breakfast that day or where I was heading so she could “accidentally” run in to me again. If the scholar gig didn’t work out, she’d make a great April O’ Neil, minus the banana suit.
Adding to her mystique was how keenly interested she was in where my injuries came from. She went so far as to make sure that I was patched up properly. Was she going for a medical degree as well? If she ends up asking about my bowel movements, I’m gonna put a shot in her head.
It was fun to play along with her insanity. While her ninja skills were jarring, being able to speak so freely with her became the highlight of my day. Working most of my days as a inter-dimensional handyman in a makeshift workshop inside a hunk of rock meant that I could use a little levity. Best to enjoy it while it lasts. That is until the Order knights in white armor come by and cart her back to the penitentiary.
And at least spending time with her helped sharpen my riffing skills.
For now, she seems harmless enough, if not a little mysterious, but I’m one to talk. Even though I still had to keep an eye on her, I felt I could trust her to a degree. And she was a great way for me handle stress. No not in that way, you perverts.
Over the past three months, I visited three portal sites all in different regions surrounding Vallick. My best guess was that a portal would open each month, roughly. That suited me fine, as it would give me some down time build things and also recover from the injuries that I no doubt had coming. Maybe I should hire a Kikimora to sweep up my broken body after a fight.
But only time would tell if my portal theory was full of shit.
The first portal didn’t drop much of value; just a wheelchair, a stuffed Bobcat, and some cupcakes… yep, cupcakes. But no Skarliks.
The second portal was better. I got some miscellaneous tools and circuitry; great for crafting something new. Besides that, it was just scrap… and a Santa decoration.
Currently, I had tracked the third portal to a sandy area. There, I found an engine. Sweet Jiminy Cricket’s ballshack, now that’s what I’m talking about! It definitely wasn’t from a car, but it may have been from some kind of industrial vehicle. Only a wind shield, a door, part of a crane arm, and a few other parts remained. The engine was about the only thing useful outside of scrap. Looked beat up, but after a primitive tune up, it might breath again. Happily, there were still no Skarliks, and no complaints on my end.
I tried to lift the damn thing into the cart, which only made me wish I had a chiropractor in my pocket afterwards. Opting for the next best thing, I had to drag the engine behind the wagon. It was going to be a bitch on my horse, but I’ll win back his respect with a batch of carrots and a desperate Unicorn.
As I very slowly rode back, I worried that, despite my progress, the light at the end of the tunnel was getting smaller and smaller. My end game of finding a way home was beginning to fade. More portals meant more trouble. However, these portals were my only chance of getting back home. But even with the tools, was I even capable of building a portal generator on my own or was this to be my fate? Stuck in this world until the end?
I thought of my Earth. Besides my family and my simple adult life that i’d settled into, I actually missed Earth. Sure it was a dumpster fire of a world, with all the wrong people calling the shots, but fucking hell, it was my dumpster fire of a world. I was still so shocked to be missing it that much, but I did. Shit, I’ll even take the traffic jams, shitty online memes, the fast food joints sneezing onto my orders, and all that other crap that drove me nuts. Compared to this world, we had it pretty good, well in some ways. Sure indigenous DTF pornstars were one hell of a one-up but war is war. And war is hell.
I was lonely as fuck. Ironic isn’t it? There was a sea of erotic thrills all around me, sending my amorous side into full throttle for something as simple as going out to wet my whistle. The ridiculously nubile nature of these girls had my brain filled with enough urges to make a priest cry. But don’t fool yourselves folks, my cynical instincts put pay to my reluctance. How about getting laid a time or two, only to have your dick dough sucked out along with your life force? Or maybe they just eat you like a female black widow spider does after a few nights of web slinging? Besides, I think the Demon Lord had something more sinister up her sleeve. I’d seen deception in the past so… yeah. Trust is a hard thing to come by these days. Regardless of how you looked at it, no fucking thanks.
Holding onto my will was the worst kind of torture imaginable. But if I ever wanted to commit suicide, I had the best way to go.
I tried to think of good times back on Earth. Just appreciating the simple things. Like my Playstation, movies, and unhealthy food. Ah the days of wasting away. Like relaxing for the weekend with a bowl of ice cream and zero fucks to give. Goddammit, I missed ice cream.
About half way back to Vallick, my path was crossed by five knights on horseback. Their armor, crossbows, shields, and axes weren’t cheap props from a Renaissance Fair in Wisconsin. What I hoped was just bird droppings on their armor turned out to be insignias; I should be so lucky. Terrific. I knew I would have to tangle with the Order sooner or later, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.
“Stop, knave” the middle soldier shouted. Pompous-looking bastard, with a face you might see after a bad night of drinking.
“I wasn’t speeding, officer” I said, practically chewing my tongue in my cheek. “Nor was I drinking and driving… at least not yet”
“Silence until you are spoken to!” What a prick. He was kind of short; unfitting for his ego. “Tell me, what is that contraption you carry behind you?” he said eyeing my engine that I was ungracefully toeing through the sands.
“I’m with AAA. Just responding to a call from another dimension. Since the owner wasn’t present at the motor vehicle, I figured I’d tow it back home and turn it into an Xbox or something”
My Spaghetti Western instincts kicked in as my hand came to rest on my gun.
“The man speaks in tongues” he sneered to his men. “Someone as mad as you couldn’t possibly be the owner of that commodity. Surely you must have stolen it. Such a strange device should be brought to our mages at once. By the power of the Order, I command you to surrender your arms”
“Unless one of ol’ Merlin’s spell books is titled ‘Sarens SGC‐120 Engine Manual’, I don’t think this hunk-a-junk here is gonna be of use to him. Besides, I’m not the sharing type, pal”
Sensing my ever-so-subtle irreverence, he glared daggers at me and signaled his men to draw their crossbows.
“I warn you, peasant. Stand down or face the consequences” he spat at me.
Instantly I pulled both my guns out to answer their challenge. I took pleasure in aiming at their smart-mouth of a leader. “Sorry but you must be over eighteen to handle heavy equipment, dickwad. If you don’t ‘order arms’, I’ll be glad to pacify you and your not-so-merry men” I chuckled to myself at the crappy joke. I just couldn’t resist. “So get out of my sight”
As dumb as this course of action may have been, I didn’t trust the Order to stop at taking the engine. I didn’t have any Jedi mind tricks at my disposal and I wasn’t about to hand over this engine or any other equipment they may desire. After all, big bait catches big rat.
“Do you dare trifle with me, fool?”
“Sorry. What I meant to say was move it or lose it”
“Move what or lose what?”
“Your ass or your ass, Sir Shits-For-Brains” I said with a roll of the eyes. Dumbass.
“So be it!” he said just before he gave his boys the signal to fire.
Before their arrows reached me, I fired off a few shots, clipping the leader in the shoulder, as I dove behind my cart. Activating my collapsible helmet, I was ready for combat.
I turned up the power output on my guns since I needed to penetrate their armor, which would no doubt, be powerful enough to kill them. Not a time for morality folks. The leader yelled something about me using magic and ordered them to surround me. They had quantity, but I had quality.
Looking under the wagon, I spied their horses moving in on me from both sides. I took aim and shot one of the horse’s legs out, with the soldier dropping like his ride. I quickly put a few more into his head and chest, leaving him dead.
With three more coming in on me, one from the left and two from the right, I rolled my only spark grenade toward the two on the right. As it detonated on the two, the last soldier rounded the wagon and began firing on me. I did the same. We traded shots until we both hit our target. I had the advantage of speed and fire rate but that didn’t stop an arrow from catching me in the shoulder and his horse running over me as I wrenched in pain.
I stuck my head up from the sand and saw that I had knocked him off of his horse. He was lying on the ground not too far from me. Picking myself up, I broke the arrow lodged in my shoulder in half, and then slid it out. Fuck, that stung like a motherfucker. Next I stupidly approached him to see if he was dead. Maybe it was the little bit of mercy still in me that thought that if I let him go, he’ll turn over a new leaf and not hunt me down to kill me when I’m taking a shit. A fucking terrible time to be an optimist.
As I drew near, he whipped his shield and hit me in the side of the head, knocking me to the ground. That didn’t stun me long enough to not see the Tin Man about to bring his ax down. I dodged his blade as he attempted to plant it on my head then I yanked him down by the arm, throwing his heavier, iron clad body next to me. Sensing an opportunity, I fired a shot into his stomach. The shot punctured the armor and drilled into the squishy insides underneath. As he painfully gasped for air, I fired another shot into his neck, spilling his blood onto my coat. He was already done, but call it a “mercy kill”
The first thing I noticed when I got up was that my horse and cart took off during the commotion. However, the engine was too heavy to handle the increased speed as it had snapped the rope off from the back of the cart. Good thing, too. It would have sucked ass if I had gone through all this for nothing.
The other two soldiers were both lying on the ground with their horses, all smoking like a KFC kitchen dinner, and just as sickening. With their armor, my spark grenade not only electrocuted but deep fried them pretty thoroughly.
Ben Franklin sends his regards.
There was only one left, their ass clown of a leader. Unsurprisingly, he had taken off while I wrestled with his subordinate. Well, this could be the start of a beautiful rivalry. Shit.
With no cart or horse to drag this engine back, I’d need a jackass to haul it back. Yes, that’s right. So with a stinging shoulder, I dragged it through the sands back toward my little hideaway outside of Vallick. My journey just got even longer.
I really did feel like I worked for AAA. Not the driver, but I felt like the truck that does the towing. Good thing I still had my water bottle on me. In time, I came upon a hill. Oh boy, this would be fun. Finally reaching the top, I spotted my “camp” on the horizon. With a sigh of relief, or exhaustion I don’t know which, I forged ahead.
I expected my horse to be waiting back in Vallick, ready to laugh at me.
Just then I heard someone approaching me from behind. Fucking A, just what I need; another Jawa on my ass looking to steal my engine that I almost killed myself several times over trying to keep. And with the state I was in, I probably couldn’t even take on C-3PO asking for directions out in these sands.
“Keep on stepping, you peckered piece of-” I yelled as I flipped around with my handgun drawn.
It was Veina. Shit. I kinda wished it was another Order lackey. At least I could have shot them and been done with it.
Her face was contorted with confusion and concern.
“What in Maou’s name happened to you?” she asked with great desperation in her voice. Did she just say “Maou”?
“Black Friday?” I said, still with some fuel in my tank of wise-quacks.
“Never mind. Follow me if you want to hear the unedited version of the story” I wheezed as I holstered my weapon. What could I do? I didn’t have any other options, so I begrudgingly lead her back to my lab. Surprisingly she helped me pull the engine but kept her mouth shut the rest of the way back. She seemed able to tow a good portion of the load… somehow.
What the hell was I going to tell her? That I’m an alien from another dimension with no way to phone home? That I’m collecting a bunch of equipment from my Earth to create all kinds of crazy experiments? That this dimension was going to have visitors more troublesome than me? Sounds good. It was a shitty idea but I was too tired to make something up.
Once in my lab, her jaw hit the floor as she took in my setup and equipment. She looked like the Candyland champion in Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I really couldn’t tell if she was scared or excited.
“Oh yes! I knew there was something special about you! With all the weird things I’ve seen you do, I knew you weren’t from around here. Tell me everything this time!” she said, confirming that excitement was, in fact, her current state.
Wait. Does that also confirm that she’s been stalking me this whole time?
Veina was more adamant than usual about tending to my wounds. Fair enough. Made it easier to tell her the whole story from the moment I landed in this dimension to the present. But I wasn’t going to tell her what happened before that. Yeah, she still got an edited version despite my promise, so what? I didn’t feel like getting into that shit right now.
She listened intently the whole time, only taking her eyes off mine when giving my injuries attention. She took it rather well considering what I had expected of her. I didn’t have anything to worry about, really. If she told anyone about me and my daytime job, they’d sign her up for a lobotomy within the hour. I might just give her one myself if I had to.
When I finished my story and my wounds were thoroughly licked, I half expected a Hoover Dam level of excitement to finally bust. She would start running around the lab like a child, asking a thousand questions about my equipment, right down to every last speck of dust. I’d have to give her the cupcakes to calm her down.
Oddly, her usual absent-minded antics were nowhere to be found. Instead she placed her hand on my cheek and sweetly smiled with a content sigh. Okay… she was starting to scare me. Next, she calmly stood up and walked a few feet away before turning around to face me. With complete composure, there’s a first, she then did something I definitely did not expect.
“No more games. You were honest with me, so it’s time for me to be honest with you, my love” she said with, again, no sign of insanity like usual. Wait a minute. Did she say “my love”?
With a snap of her fingers, her whole body began to glow with a purple light. I couldn’t even look at the blinding light as I shielded my eyes. Several seconds later, the light died down until it completely vanished and I could see Veina again.
Only now I wasn’t sure it was still Veina.
Where she once stood was now a new, curvaceous, and scantily clad figure with light blue skin. She wore dark red, devilishly detailed, thigh-high hooker boots with sleeves and red-clawed gloves to match. Tattoo-like markings ran along her shoulders and shapely hips. Her dark blue hair seemed to glisten like silk as it draped past her tight torso, down to her curvy legs. To say she was wearing a devilish string bikini-like top and bottom was being overly generous, since it left barely any imagination for her “assets”. Large, red-tipped horns wrapped along the top of her head with two menacing, bat-like wings widely spreading from her back. Also, a long, spaded tail, that you’d find on a Succubus, flicked excitedly behind her like a playful cat. To top it off, she had pointed ears, blood-red eyes, and if I have to tell you how dangerously beautiful she was, you must be new here. I also noted the lecherous smirk on her face.
No doubt about it. I’ve heard of these high-rank mamano before. This was definitely a Demon.
Aw, fuck me. Shit, very poor choice of words.