I was both excited and terrified to dive into Wonderland. It was a tough chapter to write but here it is. Any feedback helps.
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be an explorer… but this is definitely not what I had in mind.
Having to go on foot, I trudged my way through the color-coded amazon. Oddly a sign of things to come no doubt, I hadn’t gone fifteen feet into the bush before the world of sanity behind me had mysteriously vanished without a trace. Almost like I’d stepped into another world completely. Terrific.
I figured I’d best stick to one direction until I stumbled onto something. Preferably a cliff. But it wasn’t too long before I came upon a clearing. Now I was able to take in my surroundings.
Apparently I must of stepped into some magic shit because this was much, much bigger than the half a football field forest I’d seen from the outside. This was an entire landscape with… mountains? Either that or giant breast; honestly I could believe either one. Regardless, what a tourist spot. Mushrooms of all shapes and sizes, huts, statues, hills, fortresses, patches of trees, gigantic flowers, waterfalls, rock formations, and several other majestic sights. Contrary to mother nature’s style were the out of control colors. It was goddamn free-for-all with every shade of the rainbow being used to color the land without rhyme or reason. Looked like My Little Pony had vomited its entire happy hour onto a Bob Ross painting. Seriously, I expected something like this, but I’m still baffled by it.
Though there was one common thread in pretty much everything I saw; they were all phallically corrupted in design. Whether it was the shape, coloration, imagery, or all of the above, they all resembled the inside of a highschooler’s notebook; just penises everywhere. Not to mention some one-on-one action going on in various spots.
I don’t think this is what Lewis Carroll had in mind. Well, maybe he did.
Unfortunately, the signal disappeared on my tracker. But how? I know he went in here. The static interference on the screen hinted at something else. Wonderland must have been one of those Demon realms I heard about. A focal point of magic that infected the area around it. I think I saw this kind of thing in the film, “Annihilation”. My best guess was that the magic was interfering with the signal. But it was unlikely to be completely lost, just really weak. That left me no choice but to search for the signal myself, leaving it in Lady Luck’s hands. And you know how much she loves me.
I wandered about aimlessly as I took in the sights. But I was also on alert. I’d heard about the residents of Wonderland. All of them were mad screwballs, and I mean that both ways; real DTFs. Best to take my mom’s advice; don’t talk to strangers and don’t follow them into a white van, no matter how much sweet talk they offer. I felt a little better since my fight with Karvale, but still not in the best shape to fight the Skarliks. So I didn’t want to start something with anyone else. Just keep my trap shut and try to lay low. Yeah, I’m pretty good at that, right?
“Well look what I found…” a soft but mischievous voice purred behind me.
Shit. Right out of the gate…
I turned to the voice but found nothing.
“A new mouse looking for a hole” purred the voice again. Nothing.
“A little lost are you, stranger?” the voice came from behind me again. Only this time, I felt something furry brush against my neck. I turned but got the same result.
“Maybe you need a guide?” Suddenly, something poked at my groin from below, causing me to jump.
“Hey! Hey! Hands off the goods!” I shouted out toward the emptiness surrounding me.
“No hands?” suddenly to my right. Nothing there.
“Fine” suddenly to my left. Again, nothing there.
There were no spirits or ghosts in Wonderland. That narrowed down the possibilities pretty good.
Once again, something seized my manhood and cradled it. I looked down to see a striped, purple tail of sorts cupping my juice box before it quickly slid away behind me.
Focus, idiot. You can do this.
“Let me give you-” came the voice along with a two soft cushions on my shoulders. As fast as I could, I grabbed one of them and yanked the culprit over my shoulder, judo style. I heard a slight yelp from behind. Not bad on my part, except for the fact that there was no thud on the ground at my feet. Instead, my stalker laid suspended in the air right in front of me.
Easy enough to guess what mamano this was.
Purple. Lots and lots of purple. The fur on her cat-like forearms, purple. Her tail, purple. Her lavish, waist-long hair as well as her adorably fluffy cat ears, also purple; two purples at that. The hair on her left side was a lighter purple while the hair on her right side was a dark, almost black, purple. Not to mention she had a string of black bows braided into her hair. Her fashion had some variety at least. A purple, of course, corset clung tightly to her shapely torso just above a frilly skirt. Though I wouldn’t say she was too restricted in her movement. Her chest and shoulders were exposed in a light purple bra showing off her ample cleavage. In addition, her curvy hips and legs were on full display below the skirt. Some tight, decorative sleeves and stockings gave her some modesty while still showing off her sleek appeal. Tuffs of her fur poked out at the ankles above her classy dress shoes. Yeah, wouldn’t want to give off the impression that she’s a skank off the street or anything.
Instantly, she reminded me of Kuune from that ridiculous anime, “Asobi ni iku yo”, right down to the goddamn cat bell around her neck. How un-ironic.
Nice, comely figure. Not quite as big of a bosom or other over the top ‘assets’ as Veina, Sateen, or Karvale, but her lupine features were more than enough to make a guy’s thoughts turn immoral. Same kind of sultry albeit smaller package, though still pretty busty by Earth standards.
Speaking of packages, she was unmodestly presenting me an eyeful of her panties, like a stripper, as she remained floating in the air before me.
Meow. Cliched, I know.
“-a peak at what Wonderland has to offer” she continued, now that she had my undivided attention. The whole thing was capped off with her lecherous grin.
Santa wasn’t going to visit this naughty kitten.
“From this angle, I’d say it was more of a major spoiler than a peak. Now beat it, Cheshire. I’m looking for trouble and I definitely don’t need a guide for that” I said flatly.
“Goodie! Sounds like fun game, stranger! Cheshires just love to play games” she snickered.
“I play alone, pussycat”
“Call me, Niko. If I’m going to be your guide through Wonderland, I’d prefer you call me by my name, stranger”
“Okay, I said I play alone, Niko. I don’t need a tour given by Barney the Dinosaur’s pubic hair. So buzz off”
“Wanting to glaze your own depths? Intriguing. Most new visitors want to see the sights before being scooped up by a mamano to start makin’ bacon. Perhaps you’re just the adventurous type. But without me to guide you, you’ll miss the best places in Wonderland”
‘Glaze’? ‘Depths’? Oh, hehe, I get it. How profound.
You know, as untrustworthy as she is, she had a point. A lone adventurer blazing trails through Wonderland? I might as well have been a seal in shark-infested waters. And besides the bullseye on my chest if I traveled alone, I might need a “map” if I’m hunting Skarliks in Looneyville here.
“Alright, Niko. What do you charge to guide around a moron with no better options?” I sighed.
“Yes! I knew you’d come around. Now let me show you all the wonderful things to do in Wonderland” she slyly mewed.
Oh boy. Now I have these kind of shitty innuendos to look forward to.
Before things went any further, I stopped her and locked onto her eyes.
“Listen, Niko. Let’s get something straight” I asserted with an authoritative finger.
“I’d love to get something straight” she lustfully cooed.
“Not like that! Now keep quiet” I demanded irritably. “No fucking tricks to get into my pants. Just stay clear of the ‘no flyer’ zone. Got it?”
She stared back at me like a curious child. Her excitement only slightly fading. “Doesn’t sound like much very fun to have to wait but maybe you’re the dominant type. And the bigger the anticipation, the bigger the payoff. So okay. We’ll play your game… for now. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready”
I’ll take foreplay over playing “hide the cat toy” with her.
“Very prudent of you” I scoffed.
“Prude? Where’s a prude? They’re so much fun to tease!” chortled Niko.
“Skip it” I sighed. “Besides, I’d be wrong to think that you’ll just leave me alone, right?” I questioned her sarcastically.
“You’re right in that you’d be wrong” she said matter-of-factly, the delight on her face looked like a predator before dinner time.
Given my choices of following or skinning this cat, what the hell, I’ll follow her. What have I got to lose? I’ll get into trouble either way.
Our first obstacle we came across was a big stream. Simple enough except that I really didn’t want to be put in a defenseless position. I wasn’t entirely sure what lied beneath the surface in this place and I didn’t care to throw myself in the deep end on the matter. Probably a Mershark that’s off her rocker and hunting for a meal.
“Motherfucker in a frat house” I sneered as I audibly displayed my apprehension.
“Ooohhh” Niko sighed lustfully. “Getting some dirty thoughts are you?”
“Not really. Ever see ‘Jaws’?” I joked sarcastically.
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Show it to me!”
I think I rolled my eyes a full three-sixty degrees. “Watch it yourself on Universal Plus, grapehead. In the meantime, do you know of any way to get us-, err, I mean me across this big puddle?”
I wish I could float through the air like her.
“Naturally, stranger” she grinned proudly. Placing her paw on my shoulder, she disappeared with a poof and appeared on the other side of the stream. Moments later, she reappeared next to me, except a puzzled expression replacing her trademark grin. She tried it again. *Poof*. Same result.
She poofed back, now even more baffled. Fortunately, I had the missing jigsaw piece. “I think I can help y-” I remarked before she grabbed both of my shoulders and poofed again. She then returned, clearly flustered.
“You don’t unders-” *poof*.
“I’m trying to tell yo- *poof*.
“Would you lis-” *poof*.
“Cut it out alr-” *poof*.
“You better stop th-” *poof*.
“Fucking listen!” I yelled while practically stomping my feet like a child. Embarrassing, sure, but at least I got her attention.
“Did you say ‘fuck’?” she asked as she poofed back, beaming with eager eyes.
“Give the damn Houdini routine a rest, will ya?”
“Why won’t you go poof with me? Was it something I said?” Niko asked curiously.
“Look, I got this little handicap when it comes to that kind of shit, okay? So you can poof until you finally fizzle out, but I happen to be poof-proof. Comprende?” I asserted.
She stared blankly as she focused into my eyes. Did my words not get through to her? Suddenly, she pounced on me. We’re talking full frontal face-cushioned by her breasts with her arms clinging to my head and legs clinging to my waist. Well, that escalated quickly. Her little call to action had me stumbling backwards. She poofed yet again and left me there to fall flat on my ass.
Before I could get back up, Niko poofed back, this time lying on top of me. She then pressed her face against my head and inhaled deeply. Was she sniffing me? If she thought I smelled bad, she better not plan on bathing me like a mother cat.
After holding my scent in her lungs for several seconds, Niko exhaled and leaned back, cupping her cheek in her paw and casually resting herself on my chest. Her dreamy smile now staring me in the face. “Bizarre. So, so sexy…” she purred affectionately.
“Honestly, I thought you would be peeved that your tricks are worth less than a 3D television. Doesn’t that blindside your options for making whoopee with me?” I scoffed back as I tried to match her confidence with my witticism.
“Oh, it’s annoying that I can’t poof with you, stranger. Such fun we could have had together… However, something so odd only makes things even more stimulating for me. It really is a crazy thing. You see, I knew you were sexy with that powerful aura you so nonchalantly boast, but this just makes you even more maddening. It’s really hot. As the saying goes in Wonderland, ‘Curiouser and curiouser'”
How flattering. But I’m getting sick of this mana crap. I’m starting to think that it alerts all mamano in the area of where I am. Makes life tougher when you want to lay low. Not to mention it feels like all mamano can look at me with X-ray goggles.
“Forget about that shit because I’m curious too. Namely, how the fuck am I suppose to get across the Mississippi over there? I left my hovercraft in my other pants”
Her expression remained undeterred, save for the blush reddening into her face. “You definitely belong here in Wonderland…” she contemplated over me. Isn’t it encouraging when an inmate opens their cell door to you?
She stood up, allowing me to do the same. “I guess the only other option is to go with flow. Whatever the flow may float, stranger”
Riddles? I hate riddles.
“Cut out the ‘stranger’ crap, kitten. You just shoved your tits into my face and you’re still calling me ‘stranger’. My name’s Jason. Get used to screaming it” I relented bitterly.
“Oh, I will… Jason” she lustfully concurred.
I groaned out loud. Just as feared, giving out your name in Wonderland was like giving out your name in a haunted Halloween attraction. It would only be used to antagonize you. Moron.
Nevertheless, maybe she meant those giant peddles floating in the water. Giant peddles? Sure, phallic looking flowers were all over the place, so go figure. Alright, I can do this. It was harder than the platformer video games I played as a kid but I pulled it off pretty well. I hopped from leaf to leaf with Niko applauding each hop as she hovered next to me. Give her a microphone and she could host a game show.
I finally made it to the other side. Where’s the flagpole for me jump on?
Since Wonderland’s shitty disregard for WiFi had caused the signal to weaken on my tracker. My best chance to find the Skarliks was to find the center of Wonderland and hope that they were close enough to get a signal. Or I could just listen for gunfire and explosions and go from there but that’s plan B. For now, I wanted to find the center of this world. If only I had someone who knew their way around Wonderland…
“Hey Holloway, can you take me to the center of Fucksville, here?” I asked Niko who was probably ogling my ass when I wasn’t looking.
“Center? Oh, you must mean the Queen of Hearts’ plaza. Good choice! It’s a favorite among us here in Wonderland. Absolutely I’ll take you there, Jason”
Fluffy here is too excited about that place for it to be a good thing. But I crossed my fingers and promised to sell my soul to Satan if he could guarantee that our journey would be a peaceful one.
Forty minutes later…
I want a refund on my soul, Satan.
“Dammit all!” I yelled as I bobbed and weaved through the foliage… with a Jubjub hot on my heels. That Darn Cat would take a shortcut through the woods. I wish I could rip her a new one but she conveniently disappeared shortly before this Jubjub proposed to me.
It was unavoidable that this kind of trouble was going to find me one way or another. But that doesn’t mean that I was quite ready for it. Though I was filled with adrenaline, I still knew that I didn’t want to put a hole in her head. I could have just knocked her out with some low-powered shots, but I didn’t want to waste any more of my fleeting ammo, especially on an airborne target.
“Come back, husband! I’ll be gentle!” called the heat-crazed Jubjub.
Come on, you chump. You can take down a horny, marbleless bird-brain like her without having to go Rambo. Save my beast mode for the Skarliks. Think man, think!
Eventually, I heard the perverted Harpy’s flapping getting closer behind me. “Got you now!” she yelled behind me. Big mistake. Now that I better knew how close she was, I redirected toward a tree. At the last second, I ducked and skidded to a halt before reversing directions. As planned the Jubjub swiftly sailed overhead and slammed head-first into the tree with a loud thud. She grunted and fell flat on her face; out cold. Works in cartoons and it worked here.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I glanced at the downed Jubjub with her ass up in the air. Not bad. But my naughty peeping was cut off by the sound of more flapping.
“Did someone say ‘man’!?” I heard a high-pitched, ecstatic voice above me. Looking up, I saw six more Jubjubs emerging from the tree she had crashed into. I guess that was a wakeup call for them. Would I be lucky enough that they wouldn’t notice me?
“A man!” they all shouted in unison as their eyes practically bulged into the shape of Valentine’s Day hearts.
Of course I wouldn’t be lucky. This marathon wasn’t over yet.
Continuing my brisk jog through the forest, and despite the grating and flirtatious chattering of the all too excited Jubjub flock pursing me, I still resisted the urge to draw my guns and fire. Though I’ll say, I wasn’t entirely against the concept as long as it would shut them up.
Before long, I dropped onto a slope, causing me to roll my ass all the way down. Catching brief glimpses of what laid at the bottom, I think I saw… flowers?
Once I reached the bottom, I landed on a big purple mushroom that bounced me high into the air like I was fired out of a cannon. “Mother of fuckers!” I screamed out loud enough so all of Wonderland could hear me. They probably loved my choice of profanity. As I flew, I got a good look at where I was before I landed…
*BAM* I landed with a grunt.
Yep, they were flowers alright. Big ones too. And I just landed on the sepal of one. Luckily, it was soft enough to act like an air mattress. Quite a refreshing surprise, especially after my experience in Karvale’s cave.
Before I could be accused of hesitation, I slid inbetween the petals and hid in the alcove they formed. Just as I had hoped, the feather-brains lost track of me during my cannon flight. I could hear the Jubjubs’ boisterous jabbering outside as they searched for me.
While I caught my breath, the flower’s petals closed completely, cutting off my exit. The fuck? Just then, I heard something shift behind me.
“Looks like someone finally took my bait. It’s okay little one; you can have as much of my lovely nectar as you want” a sultry voice spoke.
Behind me was a green skinned, peddle-covered girl whose only modesty was some leaves, seeds, and vines. Do I even need to say that she was sexy?
Can’t I catch a break?
An Alraune, no doubt. So that’s what that sweet smell was. Though I didn’t expect to find one of her kind in Wonderland. She was probably mad like the rest of them. After all, once you go cuckoo…
“Drink your own damn Kool-Aid and be quiet. I’m trying to hide” I sneered in response.
Ignoring my derision, her vines crept over and wrapped around my arms and ankles before I could put up a protest. She yanked me over to her and held me spread eagle style. I felt like the Vitruvian human diagram. Half of me did at least.
“Oh but I have so much nectar! I can’t possibly finish all of it on my own!” she said obnoxiously. She wasn’t kidding either. We must have been ankle deep in her sweet sauce.
“Do I look like a fucking bumble bee here to give you oral? Now shut the fuck up and let me go” I scolded in an intensely aggravated whisper. “I didn’t come here to- Hey, hey! What the-” I blurted louder than I should have as she tried prying off my armored swimsuit area.
“Oh you will. You will…” she cooed softly, until she quickly grew frustrated. “Dammit, how do you unbuckle this? We have to get this off so we can both get off”
That sounded like one of my bad jokes. She really is crazy. But her voice was also getting even louder.
“Let my arms go and I’ll show you” I said opportunistically to which she was so erotically eager to oblige. Now she took my bait. Once released, I grabbed her by the head and yanked her toward me, eliciting a squeak from her. “If you’re going to act like Poison Ivy with an even greater obsession with wood, at least do it quietly or I’ll bag you and sell you to Renee’s Garden Seeds”
She tenderly wrapped her arms around my back and stared at me through half-lidded eyes. “Oh yes! Please seed me! I’m very fertile!” she shouted in ecstasy.
Cue my eye roll. Here was the ovary of the flower wanting me to fill the second ovary. She must have been watered with an aphrodisiac.
“Hey, I think I heard something in here” I heard one of the Jubjubs outside. Thanks to this boy-crazy bouquet, the Jubjubs were closing in on me. I silenced her moans with my hand and hoped that they would pass. My hand also stopped her from kissing me. Two birds with one stone.
Silence. Did it work?
“Yes! I can smell him! He’s in there!” one of them yelled outside.
Fuck my life. Eh, again shitty choice of words.
“You happy now, you sap-happy fertilizer?” I angrily spat at the Alraune.
“You’re the fertilizer” she murmured.
Boy, I really got to watch what I say.
It didn’t take the “chicks” long to pry open the entrance to the flower. “Hey there handsome! You shouldn’t have run like that. We’ve got so much work to do” she cheerfully howled as she slammed into us. I braced myself, though she was so soft and supple that it felt more like a light mattress slamming into me. A barely dressed, jiggly mattress.
“How many kids do you want? I want ten! Let’s get started!”
Kill me now.
Like the Alraune, who apparently wasn’t against a menage a trois, the Jubjub snuggled her goods against me. I’d heard about how excessively soft a Jubjub’s body was and it didn’t disappoint. Her feathers were delightful as they embraced me. Wish I could have enjoyed it.
“Go sit on-” I said before a second mattress collided with the side of my face, engulfing my head in pink feathers.
Yeah, yeah. Another pair of dirty pillows to rest my head on. Getting all too familiar.
“You’re going to like living in Wonderland, husband!” the second mattress said in a chippy voice.
Before long, more and more Jubjubs came crashing into our ever-expanding group hug. As my head was further mashed against the arousingly soft breasts, I got to figuring that maybe the structural integrity of this Alraune’s flower might not be…
I may have been trapped in a booby trap, but I sure as shit knew that we were falling. Before too long, another impact rattled my brain even through the Jubjub cocoon. We all spilled out of the flower back into the sunlight. During the crash, I managed to, consciously, roll further away than the Jubjubs. Often the most creative times is during chaos.
Besides I was more rattled than injured by the crash, like the last time this kind of thing happened to me back at the hotel.
I looked up to quite a messy scene. The overturned plant had spilled the Alraune nectar everywhere. I had some of the sticky crap on me, mostly on my boots. The Jubjubs didn’t fair so well. Their wings were covered with the syrup-like shit while the Alraune laid dazed nearby.
And if my spider-sense was working right, that could only be a good thing.
I sprang to my feet and made a break for it. The Jubjubs attempted to follow me but couldn’t even fly two feet off the ground. This chase was effectively over.
“No fair! We haven’t even seen your dick yet!” one of the girls yelled after me.
“What are you complaining for? You got sticky didn’t you? So eat my ass!” I cheekily yelled back.
After I put some distance between me and them, I stopped to catch my breath and gather my thoughts.
“You got the punctuality of Hollywood military, flea-bag” I sneered in between breaths. I didn’t even need to see her to recognize that poofing sound.
I felt a light weight gently lay itself on my back as I was bent over. “Naughty, naughty, Jason. Wandering off like that and getting into fun without me. Even the tour guide likes to join in” Niko murmured into my ear. Grasping my shoulders with her paws and resting her chin on my head, she held on to me as I stood up. I was annoyed by the evident mischief in her voice.
She snickered behind me. *Poof*
Now we were eye to eye.
“My, aren’t you sticky? And now you got me sticky, too. Shall I clean us both up or would you like to help me, Jason?” she mewed while dancing her tongue around her lips. I could see the nectar from my back had clung to her front. It was splattered all over her not-so-modest attire and lovely thighs. And don’t even get me started on how it slowly dripped into her cleavage.
“I only lick the syrup off of waffles. If you need me, I’ll be down by the river” I said as I walked down the hill to the water’s edge. She’ll probably follow just to push me in.
I wouldn’t have cared if the water was ice cold, I hated being sticky. But surprisingly, the water was pretty warm. That’s one way to prevent shrinkage in Wonderland. However, I hadn’t even gotten my face soaked before something splashed into the water right in front of me, dousing the rest of me in a blast of warm liquid.
Yep, it was Niko all right; playfully rolling around in the shallow water and rinsing herself off as she sprawled out like a cat on it’s back. She shot me that sensually playful grin as she noticed me watching her. Why not? It was fun to watch.
“Gee I didn’t know you could swim, fuzz-butt” I said sarcastically.
“Hurry, we’re wasting time! I have so many things for you to see and thrust yourself into!” Niko cheerfully yelled behind me while bouncing up and down giddily. Clearly she loved her job.
I couldn’t help but admire her zeal. I sighed to myself. Fuck it. Speeding things up, I took off my coat and pushed myself into the water.
When in Rome…
Here’s a joke. A fool and a Cheshire Cat walk into a giant egg with a naked guy passed out while a Humpty straddles him. The Cheshire Cat tries to help the Humpty resuscitate Sleeping Beauty while the fool wonders how in the name of Jupiter’s balls they got to this point.
If you’re expecting a punch line… well that is the punch line.
So how the hell did I get here?
Oh yeah. Niko here claimed to not know the way to the plaza. That smile on her face said otherwise. Regardless, the feline decided to ask for directions. Yeah, my fucking guide needed directions. I insisted that I wait outside so I could pout and berate her but she insisted that I follow her inside. Remembering what happened the last time I left her sight, I decided to be a gentleman.
So here I am inside car-sized egg… still pouting and silently berating her. Like I said, a gentleman.
“When will he wake up? Should I be worried? I mean we only had three orgasms before he passed out” the Humpty desperately pleaded with Niko.
“Now don’t you worry. This usually happens to new travelers in Wonderland. He just needs to be broken in. We’ll have him ready to stand up all night before you know it” Niko cheerfully assured as her tail twitched excitedly.
‘Stand up’. Ha ha, Niko.
As Niko joined the Humpty by straddling his chest, she tucked her tail under the poor bastard and, from what I could tell, right up his ass… probing for the ‘on’ switch. She gleefully bounced on his chest and encouraged the Humpty to pump her hips when she gave the signal. CPR and a gangbang; together at last. At least this way he’d be ready to go once he woke up with his morning wood.
“Hmmm”. Niko leaned over and rested herself on the guy’s face. “Do have any suggestions, Jason?” she mused, with a provocative expression.
What the fuck do you say in times like this? She was probably trying to find some “kinks” in me; yes those kind of “kinks”
“Where I come from, we feed guys coffee when they’re hungover” I said with a mocking smirk. I figured this dude qualified as ‘hungover’; or at least part of him was, hehe. “But I guess tea will do”
“Well we’ve got lots of that here, Jason. Anything else?” Niko snickered in response.
She wants more? Okay then. I just assume have some fun with her.
“Shit, why don’t you hook up his nipples to a car battery and juice him up? Or let’s just all scoot closer to limit his air supply. How about that?” I joked as I used my sarcasm to play along with the lunacy of the situation.
Both Niko and the Humpty intensified their ministrations and gawked at me. Their expressions tightened and their breathless voices peaked as they began to shiver in place.
People don’t drool when they’re scared. Nor do they make lewdly wet sounds from their nethers.
“Is he…?” the Humpty wheezed shakily.
“I’m working on him” Niko gleamed with an evil glow in her otherwise pretty eyes. She was definitely dreaming of all kinds of immoral stuff she wanted to do to me.
So both of them came; big deal. It couldn’t have been that difficult given their situation. That that empty tank of a guy they were sitting on was the administrator; I was just the hotline.
“I’m not the one who needs a tune-up; that bag of jelly underneath you does. Now rock that limp biscuit back to reality so we can get the hell out of here”
Niko’s eyes went wild. No it wasn’t another orgasm. “Splendid idea, Jason!” she wailed as she got up.
“What?” I stupidly questioned my supposed brilliance. I didn’t even know what exactly I had said, but I still regretted it. I felt like I had egg on my face; little did I know the ironic foreshadow.
Before I could get another word in, Niko started rapidly poofing and leaning on one side of the egg then the other. This of course caused it to start rocking and rolling violently.
Great choice of words for a bimbo who had left Reasonburg long ago. Like a famous man once said, ‘When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on’
We must have begun rolling down a hill or something because I felt like I was riding Disney’s Tumble Ball back on Earth again. Add in a sprained neck, and it would have been another day at Disney Universe.
Inbetween my cussing and rolling uncontrollably into and out of egg yolk, I could hear Niko laughing enthusiastically. I may have seen the Humpty smiling as well. In fact, I think she was somehow still straddling the guy through the chaos. Till death do they part? Hell, he might have actually been dead by now. Lucky bastard.
By careful precision or by sheer dumb luck, I managed to tumble out of the egg’s opening and roll to a stop. The egg carried on without me. As I wiped the yolk from my eyes, I look up to find another pair of eyes staring back at me; two steely amber eyes and lots of pink hair.
I quickly flipped myself over and looked up. Big wings, large horns, and two maroon tentacles with drooling mouths on the ends? Fierce red claws, maroon scales, and a barely-fitting dress-like attire that gave me a great view of both her cleavage and her tiny undergarments?
Mama fucking mia. Another mamano. A Jabberwock… a dragon. This calls for some PTSD.
“Oh no. No, no, no, no!” I stuttered as I got to my feet. “I’m awake, see? I’m awake this time and I’m not going through that horse hockey again, Spyro! This armor belongs to me, and you’re not gonna drool over it. So you can use those three mouths of yours to kiss my fucking asshole three times over, you slobbering, buck-tooth, cock-licking piece of lizard shit!” I snarled, throwing caution to the wind.
I also held my finger on the trigger, just in case she tried to turn my head into a Rubik’s Cube.
No answer. Her expression remained undeterred as she closed in, almost pressing her tits into my face. Yep, she was as tall as Karvale with nearly as muscular but still as sexy of a body. She was gorgeous and seemed to possess more glamour than Karvale did. Obviously spending more time in front of the looking glass.
This babe was stoic, not at all like the intensity I’d seen in Karvale. There was no sign of rage in her piercing eyes. Just very stern and serious. Her eyes fluttered a few times like a curious child, even taking a few light, experimental sniffs through her nose. In fact, she actually seemed to be checking me out. I felt my stand-off expression cracking. But maybe my brains were just scrambled. I’d have to smack her around before she got aroused. Isn’t that how Dragons work?
“You don’t have Christopher Lee’s voice do you?” I asked, trying to get a reaction out of her. Hey the Jabberwock had his voice in that stupid movie; it would make as much sense as anything else here.
I continued to stare up at her defiantly before she quickly reached out and grabbed my head. Jerking me forward, she tightly embraced my head into her pillowy bosom. The tongue on her bowtie, tongue-tied haha, lapped my face while her two tentacles sloppily licked the sides of my head, drenching me in saliva.
After several seconds of struggling and muffled vulgarity, she released me.
“Geez! You fucking slop-artist” I complained as I backed up and wiped the drool off my face. She still held the same stern expression except for a slight blush shading her face.
“Hmmph” she pompously scoffed. Nope, no Christopher Lee voice. “You speak quite lewdly and you taste even more appealing. Yes, you possess great potential for bringing me pleasure. However if you desire a tryst with someone as nubile as me, you best lose those restrictive garments. They’re quite licentious. Until then, good day. There is a Humpty who needs my assistance”
Eloquent, isn’t she? Unlike her attire.
As she stomped off, I was left as clueless as a Kardashian at an IQ test. Fancy that; my acid tongue nearly got me laid.
“Wow! You’ve even managed to charm a Jabberwock. She was really into you. Would like to get more into her?” Niko grinned at me.
Boy, does this dirty cat need bath? Big time.
“Wonderland can even drive a Dragon crazy, huh?” I sighed as I griped.
“Aren’t they crazy already?”
“Ha, good point. Stuck-up egomaniacs, to be exact” I chuckled. “So where’s that drool school off to?”
“Well since nothing else was working, I figured that a Jabberwock’s pink breath would surely wake up that poor Humpty’s husband. So I requested her”
“The fuck? How did you even call her? You didn’t even meet with- You know what? Nevermind. I’m helpless to try and figure it out. Besides, I’ll go mad like you if I think about it too much”
“Hehe. Now you’re starting to get it. No sense is good sense” Niko playfully snickered.
“Makes sense” I snickered back. “Like how a Black Harpy is like a writing desk. Now if you don’t mind, I got to go clean my ass up… again”
“And what happened then?” Niko asked, hanging on my every word like a kid during a bedtime story.
“A pig bursts out of a drum and says ‘Th-th-th-that’s all, folks’ before they fade to black” I said flamboyantly as I recollected some looney tunes cartoons for Niko. My Porky Pig impression was shit but I did a decent Bugs Bunny, not that she could tell. Besides, I had looney tunes on my mind recently. I wonder why?
“Sounds like a big finish” Niko chuckled wickedly. More innuendos; ho-hum.
We walked along and prattled away. Niko was spirited to say the least. She just loved luring me in with her child-like mannerisms only to sucker punch me with her obscenely amorous banter. I’d say looks are deceiving, but who am I kidding? She flaunted her sultry wardrobe every chance she got. And she made sure to use her levitating ability to give me all kinds of arousing angles to admire her from. She even checked me out from several angles.
While I was constantly distracted, the scenery around us seemed to change without me even knowing it. One minute we’re in a forest, the next we’re passing a giant stone set of breasts. I think it was a fort of sorts because of the barred windows in place of the nipples.
“Now where are we? The adult district in Bedrock?”
Niko looked at me like a parent would if their kid was valedictorian.
“There. You see what happens when you let go of your senses? What other crazy things does that wild imagination of yours tell you?”
“It’s telling me that the Queen of Hearts should invest in a GPS satellite because in case you haven’t noticed, we’re come to a crossroads” I mentioned dryly. Three paths would have been annoying enough, but six? Tattoo me with a soldering iron.
“Hehehe. Oh fabulous day! Callooh callay! This way or that way? What path do you say?” she gaily pondered with her tail alternatively pointing between the paths.
“As long as it leads to the plaza, any path is okay”. Shit that rhymed. Now she’s got me doing it!
Niko’s tail anxiously twitched at my slip up. “You just can’t resist the lure, can you?” she teased with an evil little smile.
“You clearly didn’t listen to your mom. You wear that goofy grin long enough, it’ll freeze that way, Barbie. Ever consider turning that smile upside-down?”
“Well, as long as things keep coming up, nothing is ever boring in Wonderland”
“There’s the answer” I sighed to myself.
“Maybe you should smile more. Don’t you realize how sexy a smile you have? It’s really distracting me from my other duties, you big tease” Niko said unabashedly as she hugged my arm.
I’m the tease!?
“Yeah right. Besides grooming your ass and some cat-nap marathons, what possible duties could you have from day to day?” I mocked as I blocked out the pleasant feeling of her soft breasts on my bicep.
“Just some of that, some of this. Lending a paw to those in need; like those two making love over there” she pointed.
I looked over to see a Mucus Toad and some schmuck sleeping peacefully in each others arms under a tree. Confused, I turned back to Niko only to find that she was gone. Easy to guess that she had poofed over to the dozy duo. Sure enough, she was floating above them and shaking some pink spores from a mushroom onto the two of them while fixing her gaze on me. Her frisky smile along with a playful twerk of her eyebrows emphasized her raunchy thoughts.
Warning; things were about to get X-rated.
The two lovers’ eyes suddenly popped open. Now gleaming with lust, they looked ready to devour each other. And either a squirrel was looking for some nuts in the guy’s trousers or that mushroom made him quite overjoyed to see his slimy partner.
Must be like the mushrooms in Super Mario Brothers; they make you grow larger.
I didn’t get a chance to shamelessly laugh at my own internal joke as something rammed me from behind.
“I’m sorry, sweety! I’m so sorry I’m so very late! Quickly! Take your pants off. We have to get started right away!” an erratic but strangely soothing voice implored.
“What are you talki- Get off of me!” I growled in return. As I rolled away, an object got tangled on top of my head, obscuring my vision. Once I stood up and yanked the object off, I found that it was a basket… that must have been holding the carrots that were now scattered about.
My assailant was a cute, furry little mamano called a Wererabbit. Her blue shawl draped over her brassiere that was made out of the same bunny fur on her legs, ears, and cottonball tail. The cuffs on her wrists looked pointless on her bare arms. Complete with the standard issue feminine top half. Reminded me of that Cadbury Caramel Eggs bunny. No, not that one; the European one.
“Oh… you’re not my sweet, mate. Who are you?” she asked unsurely.
“The wrong carrot to chew on, Judy”
“My apologies. You smelled as sexy as he is”
I took a quick whiff of myself. Does he also smell like a sock full of sauerkraut?
“This hunk of muscle is new around here” came Niko’s voice to my side. “He just needs some time to settle in and lose his mind”
Now that’s what I call accommodating.
The Wererabbit stared whimsically as she looked me over without answering back.
“Where’s your husband anyway?” Niko questioned, deceptively innocent in her tone. Grin withstanding.
“Oh my whiskers! Don’t you know how late it is!? I’m late!” she yelped as she hysterically shook her oversized pocket-watch. Quickly, she gathered her carrots and took off. “I’m late! I’m late! For my very important mate! No time to say ‘Hello’, ‘Goodbye’. I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!”
“Don’t forget to use the move we rehearsed!” Niko called after her. Some job Niko has. “Now then, my work here is done. We may go now”
I glanced back at the two love birds who were, well… going at it in a position that I didn’t even know could be done.
“Wonderful, isn’t it?” I heard Niko purr.
“Quite an opportunistic voyeur, aren’t you?” I sneered back. Truthfully, I chuckled inside.
She let out a naughty little laugh before continuing, “Now let’s see…”
I looked back to find Niko’s nice ass floating in front of my face. No, I didn’t believe my up-skirt view was accidental. Saucy little furball.
“Just get me to that damn plaza already. Or did that Humpty have too much yolk on the brain to input your GPS properly?”
“Hmmm. This way is best” she said passively as her tail wrapped around my neck and guided me into following her bubbly ass forward.
‘Best?’ Sounds good in theory, but then I remembered where I was. Here, the ‘best’ route usually goes… South; and I’m not talking about a compass, ladies and gents.
Later… yet again.
Apparently I’ve wandered into the nightmare of one of the aliens from the film ‘Signs’; doors, doors, and more fucking doors.
I don’t remember how we got here or if I lost any luggage on the way, but Niko and I have been getting no place in this fortress for over an hour now. Whether is was long hallways filled with pornographic artwork of every type or a ballroom full of endless stairs going upwards, downwards, sideways, longways, and shortways, three things were consistent; doors, stairs, and headaches. And of course, Niko taking pleasure in my verbal cocktail of frustration and confusion as I tried to sort out all this folly. Doors only led to more doors and so on and so forth. Reminded me of Escher’s lithograph painting, “Relativity”
Though Niko’s chipper albeit raunchy commentary through the “artistic” labyrinth left no room for things to turn dull. She’s fun to talk to, I’ll give her that.
“Motherfucker!” I shouted as I slammed a door behind me. Fifth straight time I opened a door only to find another door less than five feet in front of me in a space no bigger than a broom closet.
“You like slamming doors, don’t you?” Niko lustfully snickered. “Why don’t we play a game? Pretend that I’m a door; then you can slam me all night long”
Aw man. Now my bad jokes are rubbing off on her.
“Yeah, I just bet you’re as easy to penetrate as a cheap screen door. But frankly you’re off your damn hinges” I huffed at Niko’s mirth.
“Why, thank you, cutie”
“It wasn’t a… oh what’s the use?” I said defeated by her delight. “How much further to the plaza?”
“We are in the plaza”
“… I’m sorry, what?”
“We’ve been at the plaza for a while now”
“Does this look like a plaza to you?”
“Of course it doesn’t”
There’s that sneaky smile again. I smell bullshit.
“Look I’m warning you, if I don’t see a plaza in exactly one minute-“
“If you insist” said Niko as she proceeded to press in a brick on the wall. Immediately, the floor beneath us gave way and we dropped.
We landed on a slide of sorts and began our decent. Enough twists and turns to make me wish I had multiple barf bags. With me being up front and Niko behind me during the ride, she draped her furry arms over my shoulders and down my chest like a toboggan partner. Resting her head on my shoulder, she laughed maniacally with gleeful shouts of “Wee”. I may have let my usual profanities fly, but hey, at least one of us was enjoying it. I just assumed the shark from ‘Jaws’ was waiting at the bottom for us to slide into it’s mouth like poor Quint did.
After descending for some time, which I couldn’t give a rat’s ass as to exactly how long, we finally were greeted by sunlight and an abrupt stop right into a pile of large bubbles. Some were the typical round bubbles while others were strangely, and impossibly, shaped like… sausages?
Forget it. I’m in Wonderland, just embrace the perversion.
“That was easy enough. You should have pressed that button sooner” I grumbled bitterly as I exited the bubble bath.
“Well you seemed to be having such a good time educating yourself in our Palace of Passions, so I thought I’d let you have your fun. I dream of one day having my passion get documented for the ages. Do you?” questioned Niko, full of enthusiasm.
Back on Earth, ‘documenting’ someone’s passions is called leverage for blackmailers. Now, capturing the image of the ‘rocket exploring a black hole’ is considered the classiest of acts. Holy shit, how long did the dudes have to hold out in those positions until the artist was done?
God forbid they invent internet here. Hell, with all the stripper streaming, anime, grifters, and all around general perversion of the internet, just imagine it in their hands. Deviantart would eclipse even Google.
“Listen bubbles, I told you to bring me to the center plaza. Not on some bullshit detour away from the plaza” I hissed irritably.
“Whatever do you mean? Look around you; we are in the Queen’s Plaza. We have been since we entered the castle. You didn’t say you wanted to be outside” she cheekily mocked me with her self aware deceit.
Yeah she was right. That art gallery we slid out from was technically in the plaza all along. Damn her antics. All the worse was that she got the satisfaction of seeing my dumbfounded face as I glanced around.
“And you finally decided to get me out of there because…”
“You asked”. Her grin really starting to piss me off.
“Okay. So all I have to say is ‘There’s no place like home’ to get me the hell out of this place? Wait, that wouldn’t work; wrong looney land”
“Go ahead. Nobody’s going to complain if you babble things like that” smirked Niko.
“Shut up, Glenda” I chided back.
Finally getting the last bit of bubbles out of my hair, I took in my surroundings. Looked like an architecture firm had a bat-shit crazy office party and forgot to sober up before punching in the next day. A long round plaza with a fountain in the center; that was the basic jist of it. Now, the structures surrounding the fountain lacked any sign of sense. You’d have stone fortresses one minute, then right next to them was a curved wooden cabin of sorts followed by a giant tent that must have been stolen from the fair. I didn’t know you could combine a windmill with a circus tent. In addition, random beds and other furniture were lying about. Must be to accommodate the sporadic sex sessions.
The colors were just as hectic as ever. The sharp shades blinding me as the sunlight only amplified their intensity, just like the insanity of it all. The last time I’d seen a pink castle was in my sister’s room when we were kids. Does She-Ra live in there?
As usual, nothing had consistency. Except for the lewdly suggestive shapes. Tits n’ ass n’ dicks were everywhere, especially dicks. Like if H. R. Giger designed the banned poster for ‘The Little Mermaid’; the one we all snickered at when we were ten years old. Hell, I still snickered at the sight of these.
The only thing that had any artistic cohesion to it was in the fountain. The statues looked to be carved out of pure red stone. It depicted a scene of various Greek-dressed dudes, as in not dressed at all, with mamano “assisting” them in spraying fountain water from their… well, you know.
At the top of all this absurdity was another depiction of a child-like figure riding another stud. She held a big fuck-off staff and a huge crown that made her head look bigger than it was. Both were capped off with fancy heart decorations; not unlike the other hearts scattered about the politically incorrect structure, just in case the clues weren’t on the head enough.
From the descriptions I’d heard, as well as the spectacle before me, that was the Queen of Hearts alright; in all her royally wistful indecency. The little slut.
What a monument.
“Admiring our inspiring statue?” chimed Niko as she effortlessly rolled into my field of view while levitating.
Her playful yet seductive nature always seem to pit my amusement and irritation against each other. Made it hard for me to decide how to respond half the time.
“What statue?” I scoffed nonchalantly as I turned away. Why not just play it cool?
We visited the various attractions the plaza had to offer. Yeah besides some random fornicators screwing the crap out of each other, they had actual attractions. Although, they weren’t much less adult-themed. An haze-covered orgy, big shocker, the size of a community day was going on just outside the plaza entrance. I definitely knew what that haze was. In the plaza was either a duo yoga class or there was an instructor and her “assistant” demonstrating some homemade remedies for a dull sex life. If that didn’t work, then there was the toy shop. Just think of an nymphomaniac’s arts and crafts festival where everything must go… or rather “come” in this case. Clothing, love potions, role-playing gear, if you could add a kink to it, then it was here. There was must have been a sale. The sign said, “Love Potions: Two for Ten Queen Coins or Three for Twenty-Five Queen Coins”. A rare bargain, I thought sarcastically.
I stayed in the shopping area and refused to go into the… “testing” area; where both single and married mamano got to test out their purchases. Yet another orgy. Where’s the air freshener?
Niko’s love for all these lecherous playthings made it all the easier for her mock me like I was a prude. When she surprised me dressed in some lacey getup, I found myself gawking at her body, which pleased Niko. Yeah she knew it would be difficult for me not to linger.
Also, Niko insisted that I try the free samples of “Eat Me” and “Drink Me” treats. “See if they have one marked ‘Fuck me'” I jested to her. Sweet but with a certain blandness to it that I couldn’t really describe. Maybe because I couldn’t taste the magic in them. Though I wish I could have grown into a giant like ol’ Lewis Carroll intended. But all it got me was a collection of jarred faces and pervy stares at my swimsuit area. Nothing to see there girls.
But at least the kid mamano had it easy. An innocent little puppet show with two characters delighting the kids with their frolics. Though they didn’t seem to have any clothes on once they began to- Oh come on already! Even that? And they complain about what kids are exposed to back on Earth.
But I could play network censor later. Through all the stops, I kept a close eye on my tracker. The second something came up on my radar, I’d have to move fast if I wanted to keep up with the Skarliks. But after feeling my stomach groan, I figured I’d better get some food. Wouldn’t want to get killed by the Skarliks on an empty stomach now, would I? So I requested Niko take me to the nearest place with a restaurant. That happened to be the “The Cream-Filled Pie Inn”
Sounds suggestive but tasty.
“Hey Smiley, you should know that I haven’t got any cash” I thought I’d mention to Niko, since I remember hearing that Wonderland has their own form of currency. Whatever that might be, I didn’t have it… or I wasn’t willing to give it away. Gulp.
“Is that so? Well we don’t pay in Wonderland… sometimes. So don’t worry about it” she said as she shot me a coy wink.
‘Sometimes’ is something I tend to worry about. So yeah, I had some doubts about following her in here but my stomach was nagging me. Sure, what the hell?
Inside the restuarant, I could tell business was doing great. And once I saw that the chef was a Mad Hatter, I figured tea was the main attraction. Wonderful.
Now, I may have been getting better at ignoring the stares of mamano as I swaggered about town, but in Wonderland, it proved to be even more unnerving than usual. The drooling and heavy breathing of all these nut-crazed nuts made me feel like I just entered Arkham Asylum. If I wasn’t starving so bad, I would have lost my appetite.
I didn’t like the thought of myself being on the damn menu but tough teacups. Just put on the Batman act and take note of the nearest exit in case things got steamy.
Another Cheshire Cat approached me and Niko. “Anything happen today, Niko?” asked the ally-cat, shooting me a glance.
“No. Nothing yet…” Niko replied shooting me more than glance.
“What are you both looking at me for?” I replied with a sickened frown.
We were handed some menus by a Lizardman in a heart-themed waitress uniform who led us to our table. A Lizardman? In Wonderland? Oh whatever. If you thought just sitting down at a table was simple, then I got a treasure map to sell you. At each table, there were no chairs; only life-sized figurines of men in sitting positions. So we had to sit ourselves on their laps… which happened to have a very uncomfortable bulge on it.
Oh I see; nuts to butts. Niko loved it, of course. And you can imagine how excited I was.
I’d better not fucking stick to these seats.
I don’t know how, but this joint had a menu more obnoxious sounding than both McDonald’s and Burger King combined. ‘Backdoor Berries’, ‘Chef’s Handy Candy’, ‘Jubjub’s Best Breast’, ‘Tongue N’ Tail’, ‘Cream on a Stick’, and so on.
How’s that for a tempting menu?
“No beer? Fucking Hell, I need a stiff drink” I muttered to myself.
Actually, who needs it? These Wonderland oddballs get drunk enough reading the brand label on a guy’s underwear.
“So could I” Niko chimed in.
Peaking over the top of the menu, I could see Niko’s hungry expression, and she wasn’t looking her menu. Now that I thought about it, I should have chose some better words.
“What? Did the kitty just eat a canary? Get rid of that grin” I sneered while burying my face back into the arousing menu.
“I can’t help it. I’m having such a marvelous time today. How about you?” Niko remarked.
“A regular New Year’s blowout”
“Exactly what I was thinking” she cheerfully snickered, while I rolled my eyes. I did it again didn’t I? “Think about it. In one day, you’ve romped with Jubjubs, rolled along in a Humpty’s egg, sampled your intoxicating essence to a Jabberwock, wrestled a Wererabbit, and even got a tour through our Palace of Passions. You’re doing quite well for your first day. Just think of what excitement still awaits both of us”
I dropped my menu and furrowed my brows to combat her sneaky smile. “Let’s just hope that a veterinarian comes along and neuters your sweet little ass before it’s too late. As for me, I know what excitement is waiting for me. And I’m not exactly exhilarated about it. The only thing I’m waiting on is for this fucking thing to talk to me” I snapped as I pulled out my tracking device which still hadn’t picked up a signal yet.
“What is that!?” Niko exclaimed as her pretty eyes lit up.
Oh boy, do I immediately regret showing her that.
“It’s nothing. Just my imagination” I shrieked as I quickly hid the tracker.
“Quite the imagination you have, Jason. Tell me more”
“Not a chance. It’s my burden, so shut up about it”
“Fine, I’ll shut up… as long as you keep talking”
Fair trade I suppose. As long as I had some peace.
I babbled on about what I would do when I found the Skarliks. I stayed PG-13 with some of my descriptions just so I wouldn’t egg her on. Plus, I wanted to maintain some level of decency. Not that I really cared if she thought me a monstrous serial killer with a mask made out of human flesh; I just wanted to think out loud. Helped me sort out some kind of a gameplan. Also, she probably wouldn’t understand anything I said anyway, so I wasn’t worried about arousing suspicions.
True to her word, she kept quiet. Sure as hell helped me not only sort my thoughts but helped me make up my mind on what to order from the menu. All suggestive names, so fuck it.
It was then that I noticed that Niko was sensually fidgeting in place and purring just as lustfully. Her expression had now turned into blissful ecstasy.
That damn bump on these fucking perverted seats, man. Emphasis on the “fucking”.
“You done, Grimace?” I asked with a sharp tone.
“That’ll do it…” she mewled through small labored breaths before letting out a shrill moan of lascivious delight. “Just wonderful”
The sanitation department would have a field day in this place.
“Weren’t you ever taught good table etiquette? Actually, I take it back. You probably learned those manners from your pussy cat mom”
“In Wonderland, expressing our sexual desire for someone is the highest compliment we can give. You wouldn’t want to be insulted would you?”
Boy, I’d love to hear someone use that excuse during a sexual harassment case back on Earth.
“Just keep that burning bush of yours in your skirt, got it? Now find me a damn waitress; I’m ready”
Niko giggled deviously then stood up, twirled over, and sat down in front of me. “Just leave it to me. I’ll go tell the chef myself and get it here quicker. What do you want to order? Or is the thing you want already here?” she asked as she traced her claw down her chest.
I’m going to ignore that not so subtle comment simply because I’m hungry.
“The ‘Banana Cream Surprise’; hold the nuts”
She then leaned closer to my face, knowingly displaying her tits for my viewing pleasure.
“This restaurant celebrates unbirthdays. Is today your unbirthday, sexy?”
“…No. It is my birthday” I lied, as I feared Niko making a spectacle otherwise. After all, they loved those three-hundred sixty-four days in the movies I’d seen.
“It is? Splendid! This restaurant celebrates birthdays as well. I’ll let the manager know”
Fuck. I can’t win.
“No, no! Oh God, no! I don’t need the foreplay, alright? Just bring me something to eat”
Can you image if this diner had a mascot? It would be as disturbing as that fucking Panda Cheese bear.
“Fine. Just wait here, stud muffin. I’ve got some friends I’d like you to meet. So put on the charm, okay? In the meantime…” she reached into her cleavage “here’s an appetizer”. Out she pulled a small cat-shaped, piece of candy and handed it to me. “I’ll be back in a bit” she assured with a coy little grin and danced off, brushing her tail across my face.
“Tell the chef to not bother wasting the love drugs in my food; they won’t do any good” I called out to her as she skipped off. “And bring me a moist towelette”
Now that she sat on my dining space with her dirty panties, I could use it.
I probably looked like a perv as I gobbled up her teat treat. Like I gave a shit; I was starving. It was sweet enough to put a diabetic into a coma.
Waiting silently, I tried to regroup some of my sanity and focus. There were Skarliks here, and I had to find them. No time for distractions, dumbass.
Within ten minutes, the Lizardman walked over with my dish. My meal finally came.
And I mean that quite literally.
They brought me an oval shaped bowl. Two round banana slices sat at the base of the rest of the curved banana. At its tip was a torrent of whip cream with two strawberries and a crescent cantaloupe slice sitting on top, arranged to look like a face; a cream-covered face if you will, complete with apple slice ‘mamano’ ears.
The blowjob drink from the Deadpool movie can suck it.
I burst out wildly laughing right then and there. It was just so blatant and so immature that… I just couldn’t resist. It was fucking hilarious. I had to rub my eyes to keep myself from crying.
Like… what in the unholiest of fucks!?
I only managed to snap out of my hysteria, once I saw some other patrons staring lewdly at me. I’ve been in Wonderland too long; I was losing it. That means I was turning into an ideal Wonderland sex toy. After I calmed myself down, I wondered if I should eat my meal or smoke a cigarette. Shut up, you idiot. Stop making yourself giggle.
I’ll start with the ‘balls’. Ha.
It was pretty good. The fact that I had an empty stomach didn’t hurt anything. If they did drug my food, which is likely, I naturally couldn’t be bothered to care. If only Niko was here so I could rub my magic immunity in her face.
Hey, speak of the devil…
“Jason, this lovely little lady is Alice”
Standing next to Niko was a child dressed in a little blue dress. Not too different from the Alice in the books, though not quite as innocent. Yeah, I damn well knew that this brat was a Succubus; just the flavor used when fishing for lolicons.
“Adorable. What’s your last name?”
“Last name?” the Alice curiously questioned.
“Don’t tell me you only go by ‘Alice’. What about others like you?”
“They are also named Alice”
“Huh? You got a code number or something to make sense of- Ahh, right, right” I relented as I buried my face back into my food.
“See?” Niko tittered to the Alice before poofing away with her.
Spider-sense is tingling…
*Poof* A Greenworm with her vapor tube.
“You haven’t got another smoke on you, have you?” *Poof*
*Poof* An Umi Osho.
“Is it tradition in Wonderland to mock this pessimistic turtle?” *Poof*
*Poof* A Selkie.
“I guess the time always come for you, clam breath” *Poof*
*Poof* A Dwarf.
“If you’re looking for some wood to work on, try someone else, half-pint” *Poof*
*Poof* A Papillon.
“Stand back. I don’t want pollen in my food”
*Poof* This time, however, there was no other mamano with Niko as she sat back down across from me; lecherous grin on her face, like usual.
“Hehehe. I just knew you wouldn’t disappoint. You’re quite the entertainer with your smooth talking. They absolutely loved you” she proclaimed.
‘Smooth talking’? Really?
“Oh, that kind of slander just comes to me naturally. Charming, isn’t it?” I remarked casually. My instincts are to mock, not woo.
“Yes… charming” she cooed as she lustfully licked her lips. “Oh! You should meet the Queen of Hearts! She’s be mad about you!”
“Listen, Fancy Feast. I don’t plan on meeting that trashy Shirley Temple, got it? I’d just assume cut my own damn head off. Now enough shenanigans. I’m trying to think”
“Well at least tell me how the food is”
“It’s no ice cream but still pretty good. I can’t even taste the aphrodisiac in it” I sneered. Niko simply shrugged me off.
As I tried to concentrate, a strange odor found it’s way into my nose. “I smell something musty. Was that you?” I asked Niko cheekily. He ears twitched slightly from the question, causing me to cock an eyebrow at her. ‘What’s she up to now?’, I wondered.
As I took a drink from my glass, noticed something in the reflection; several pairs of anxious eyes silently watching me from behind.
I hadn’t noticed it before, but the restaurant had gone suspiciously empty.
The surprise caused me to spit out my drink and stand up. Niko got some of my spit take as well. Good.
It wasn’t a revelation that I exactly welcomed. All of Niko’s friends, as well as the remaining patrons, were eye groping me like a pack of horny teenagers. Some even had their hands down between their legs. I never thought I’d be the entertainment for a fucking bachelorette party, yet here there I was.
What would my mom say? Nothing, as it would likely give her a heart attack.
“Real cute, Niko. Real fucking cute”
“Finally. You drenched me with something. What are you going to do for your next act? I’ll be glad to be your lovely assistant” she mewled delightfully as she cleaned herself like a cat.
“I’m not being the ring-leader to these runaway circus acts. So you’d better find another P. T. Barnum. Now pay the damn bill so I can get out of here”
“I’m not the one with the money, Jason” she taunted while happily placing her paws behind her head.
“Well that’s just fucking great. I told you that I-“
“Is that a rattling in your pants, or are you eager for something?” she arrogantly cut me off.
In my pocket was a handful of Heart-shaped coins. These coins were similar to Earth’s coins with heads and tails except these coins were… lewder. Much, much lewder. But now with them jingling in my pocket, they would sound like a gunslinger’s spurs. Neat, I guess but that’s besides the point. When did Niko put these in my pocket? She’s smoother than I thought. But I’m still going to kill her after this.
Me and Niko traded expressions. I was incredulous, she was smug.
Just more of her games; like a cat with its mouse.
“Well… good! I wasn’t about to ‘work off’ the cost. Alright, where’s the bill?”
“Here I am, hot stuff” came a voice from the ‘audience’. It was the Lizardman waitress from before. Only now she was breathless and sweating. Also, her uniform wasn’t exactly neat. Now I noticed her name tag said ‘Billie’.
Oh, now I get why there’s a Lizardman in Wonderland.
“Where’s your ladder? Don’t answer that; rhetorical. Here” I sneered as I dropped a random number of coins and turned away.
“My shift is over in an hour…” she said, words filled with ardor.
“Good. Then you’ll have the rest of the day to wonder where this chump ran off to” I shouted back to her as I rushed out the door.
I wasn’t planning on coming down her chimney like that other lizard. Bonus points if you get that reference.
Running out the door and back into the sunlight, I pulled out my tracker; nothing. Fuck the world. Here I was, stuck in a land with no logic, relying on pure luck to try and find an enemy that would only try to kill me if I found them. I hated this situation, but I have only myself to blame. Wonderland did have an easy way out, though. Embrace the madness. Like the line of mamano dancing around a nearby boulder while singing a familiar tune.
Forward, backward, inward, outward
Bottom to the top
Makes no difference where you cum
As long as you don’t stop
You know, it only took one word to make that song vulgar. Interesting.
“Bravo, Jason. Bravo” came Niko’s voice again.
“Big deal. It’s as easy as making a group of infants laugh” I quipped
“Hehehe. So what’s next, Jason?”
“I’ll be fuc-, eh damned if I know. How’s a guy supposed to think clearly in a place like this?”
“Who needs to think? In Wonderland, it’s is easy to find someone making revelry. And they’re always very generous with it”
“Playtime is over, dammit! I have work to do! Real work”
“Work? Where’s the fun in that?” Niko pouted. “When the path is problematical, why not make backtracking your new path?”
“What are you talking about now, tuna breath?”
“Logic is difficult. There’s not enough correct answers. But illogical… now that has many, many correct answers. In fact, the sky is the limit. Much more fun to be had that way. Don’t you agree?”
I think that what she meant is to surrender to the madness, like all of Wonderland’s residents. That includes the “unindigenous” mamano like the Lizardman, Alraune, and so on. They embraced the insanity and let debauchery run their lives. Well, more debauchery than normal for a mamano. Don’t worry about finances, self-improvement, or work. Just a life of drugs, free love, and all around depravity. Yeah like the 1960s, right down to the psychedelic colors.
Hakuna Matata on crack.
“I, I agree”. Yeah, I said that. “But that option can still just piss off”
Niko’s ears pricked up to full attention with her grin lightly faltering.
“Normally I would enjoy this but… that makes little sense. How could you not find Wonderland absolutely liberating?” Niko questioned curiously.
“Oh I do find it liberating. In fact I’ve been having a great time with you today. Anyone would have a blast playing around in this land of giant chocolates boxes. They’d never know what they were gonna get; except getting laid. But no amount of unbirthday parties can make my problems go away”
These were my problems. And I wouldn’t take the easy way out.
Suddenly Niko poofed several feet in front of me. She laid facedown with her knees boosting her lush heinie into the air. Very cat-like.
“Is this the thing that has you so upset? How could this little thing have any power over you?” she pondered while playfully batting my tracking device between her paws on the ground.
“How did you-? Give that back. Now!” I asserted.
“Come and get it” she taunted me as she quickly stood up and placed it behind her back.
“Hand it over or what I’ll do to you-“
“I wish you would. Hehe”
More of her bullshit.
With that, I immediately rushed her. Just before I was about to make contact, she poofed away. I hadn’t even fully stopped myself when Niko reappeared above me and clamped her gorgeous legs onto my neck and rested on my shoulders. An intense warmth engulfed my head as I was driven forward by the abruptness of it. I did all I could to stay on my feet while Niko rode on top of me.
Her mischievous laughter only got louder and she shielded my eyesight with her paws. Her gel-like feline pads brushed pleasantly against my face as her soft and incredibly malleable thighs gripped my head like a neck pillow.
“Hey! Get off! Ugh!” I shouted irritably as I instinctually and blindly ran forward, struggling to break her surprisingly strong legs.
“Faster, faster!” Niko cheered as she further tightened her grip.
I was so ballistic that I couldn’t even stop myself before I plummeted into the fountain surrounding the statue. Niko of course poofed off of me just beforehand.
Face filled with ire, I pulled my soaked ass out of the fountain. I’m sure I was getting stares. Niko had forced me back into show business. Speaking of which, Niko’s laughter was coming from above.
“See? That was fun” she teased me while hanging on one of the statue’s boners from her legs, monkey bar style. She’s a cat, so someone make a motivational picture of this with the caption ‘Hang in there’. Naturally, she was purposefully showing off her kinky purple panties to me again while she hung upside down. Nice view of a nice body. Her undies, coincidentally, were very wet. Thankfully, I’d fallen into the fountain which washed off the back of my head.
She then tossed the tracker down to me as she adjusted herself to an upright, sleak playboy-like sitting position. Amorously grinning like usual.
As annoyed as I was, I found it hard to stay really pissed at her. She was very amusing in her playfulness. Even with her sensually expressive mannerisms, she always kept a level of child-like innocence, like the way she impishly wiggled her legs while sitting up there.
“As fun as a fire hose up the nose” I jested. “Now if you don’t mind, this tour is over, kitten”
“Over? My tour is not over. We’ve yet to reach the main attraction” Niko breathed flirtatiously.
“Let me guess…” I began to hypothesize.
Niko spread her legs as confirmation.
“To give you my… personal tour” she said huskily.
“Like I said, it’s over”
I began walking away before she poofed and I was staring into her amethyst eyes, yet again. “It’s not over until the two lovers fuck each other into madness”
There goes that tongue dancing around on her lips again.
“Not so sorry to break it to you, but that was never in the cards, pussycat”
“Yes! Pussy, indeed!” she chirped. “It’s time to feed this cat!”
“Go soil your own litterbox” I chuckled at my own word play. “I only took your tour because I needed to find the center of this DTF-land. You knew your way around, so I had you get me there. Done deal. Now, I’ve got more important matters to attend to”
I didn’t wait for her to respond before I walked past her; only for her to float after me.
“Hey I played your game; I let you play the aggressor and choose when to ravage me. And I’ve given you countless chances to fuck me. You led me on, now it’s time for the big bang“
“That’s only in your own warped mind. How the hell could I have led you on?” I was starting to get agitated.
“How? With the things you say. Nobody from the outside world talks or acts like you. The nonsense that comes out of your mouth and the strange things you do… well, it just so happens to be quite the turn-on in Wonderland. Your spirit energy is ripe with sweet, delectable hypersexuality. Just look at how your erotic lure affected every girl you met today. You built up all of this good will with them and you must cash it in… into each of us”
Oh I understand now. To the rest of the world, I’m just some certifiable crackpot with a bad attitude. An obnoxious son of a bitch who’s vitriol is matched only by his brash tongue.
But here… here I’m the cool one.
“Let’s play a new game. It’s called ‘Hard to get’. And I’m it” I cheekily mocked her as I marched away. Only to be yanked from behind as the back of my legs hit something causing me to trip backwards to the ground. Next thing I know, Niko had mounted herself onto my hips.
“Game over; I got you” Niko purred, her smile dripping with carnal need. “You’re not very good at that game, are you?”
Well that stupid wisecrack backfired on me. Nice one.
In an effort to regain my footing, I had wrestle about with her for a bit. She was definitely excited as I unavoidably had to get physical with her. Through my struggling I was consciously aware of how good she felt. Her lupine body was just as great to the touch as it was to the sight. Even her furry cat parts were charming to say the least.
Hey I couldn’t help it if I groped her a bit.
Finally rolling her off of me, I jumped up, ready for a counterattack. Niko stayed where she was. Her eyes were like a wild cat stalking a toy; complete with the butt wiggle.
“Hey back off, you sneaky, furry-packaged perv-puss. Don’t make me have to hose you down” I spat defensively.
“Sounds inviting” she affirmed longingly.
“Not what I fucking meant!” I spluttered. “Look, I told you I’ve got a job to do. And I can’t afford to be distracted by the likes of you. Trust me, it’s for your own good. But I guess I’ll have to spell it out for you and you can quote me on this when you tell all of your crazed friends. I’m not going to have sex with you!”
Niko gasped. She was left speechless from my outburst. That made me feel pretty damn good to think that I got the final word. That is until I noticed something.
Why didn’t I hear the line of mamano singing? Or any other noises in the once noisy plaza?
I looked around. Every mamano that was once lively and minding there own business was now starring at me with the same bewilderment. Uh-oh.
“…yet!” I shouted while squirming in place, hoping to damper the mob that surrounded me. Nope, I still felt like crawling under a rock.
“Jason…” murmured Niko, a smile creeping back onto her face.
“I just fucked up didn’t I?” I asked uneasily.
Niko nodded sympathetically.
Oh, why me?
“You there!” came a feminine yet commanding voice behind me.
Come on. This is not fucking fair.
Approaching me were four Trumpart chicks. A three of hearts was point with a four of spades, a five of diamonds, and a two of clubs following behind. Just short of a straight. Ha. Not now, idiot. They don’t look pleased.
“Hello, stranger. We heard you say that you would not have sex with this lovely Cheshire Cat. Is that correct?” the three of hearts questioned me.
“You got it, poker face. I said ‘no’ and I meant ‘no’. I don’t care if that suits her or not”
Even when I was nervous, I was still a smartass, as always.
All four suits began to blush. Must be more of my wordy whimsy Niko had mentioned.
Look at that. Now I had them all flushed in the face. Shit now all I can think of is card puns.
“Yes… ah, (ahem) well stranger, that just so happens to be against Wonderland law. When on the grounds of the Queen of Hearts, you must have sex with anyone who asks”
“What? I, uhh. Umm…” I stuttered, not expecting to run into any kind of enforcement of rules in Wonderland. Let’s see how well I can deal with this situation. “Oh I meant I won’t have sex with her right now. That’s all. Ah heh” I chuckled, hoping my bluff would fool them.
“Hmmm. That may be, but this is a very serious concern. And you’ve disturbed the other residents. I’m afraid you will have to fornicate right now”
Well so much for that. Time to show my hand.
“Fine. I tried to play nice but no dice. I’ll just have to repeat it for you, shuffle-broad. I’m not fucking her” I said matter-of-factly.
“If you don’t comply, we have the authority to have you raped” she threatened as she and her subordinates readied their suit spears.
“You touch me with that and I turn you into a corn dog” I threatened right back at her. Now I was fired up.
“Off with his pants” the three of hearts ordered her backup.
“Out with his head” they replied.
Okay, that’s just ridiculous.
“Look! A giant dildo plushy!” I pointed behind them. They looked away, I ran.
Let’s make our firearms a last resort, shall we?
I began tearing through the nearby attractions like a hurricane with the Trumparts hot on my heels. Leaping onto some kind of stage for a bubble game, I charged straight through and burst out the back of the stand, covered in more bubbles. The two of clubs tried to cut me off on the other side but I circumvented the card by kicking over a stack of barrels onto her.
Next, I jumped through a window into the toy shop I had been in earlier. Apparently I entered into the lingerie section. A lot of changing of clothes was going on, minus the changing booths, of course. Would have been embarrassing but none of the half naked patrons seem bothered by my little invasion of privacy. “Is this Castle Anthrax?” I commented. Ignoring the other mamano ogling me, I zigged and zagged past them, knocking over table after table behind me to obstruct the Trumpart’s pursuit.
That “testing” area I mentioned before? Yeah, I had to parkour my way through there as well. None of the lovers seem too bothered by my warpath. But I was gonna need to clean myself up again after this.
Couple of bumps and cusses later, I found myself ascending some stairs. Near the top was a pair of young Liliraune. They may have looked weird outside of their flower but what was even weirder was the fact that they were playing with… big marbles? Bingo!
“Hey Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum! You know how to have more fun with these? Like this!” I joked as I grabbed the nearby bag of marbles and poured them onto the stairs. There went the Trumparts as they slipped and tumbled back down the stairs. Ha, toppled like a deck of cards. The two Liliraunes were thoroughly amused by the spectacle. See? I said it would be fun.
Now on the second floor, I picked a random room and slammed it shut. The marbles wouldn’t hold off the Trumparts for long so I had to think. How do I lose them for good? I would need something to hold them off long enough to break their line of sight and escape. An ace up my sleeve if you will. Or in this case, in my coat…
As fast as I could, I retrieved a vile from my pocket and smashed it on the ground right inside the doorway. Then I hurried over to the window only to find it locked. I didn’t have time to figure out how the hell to open it, so fuck it. Open it with a chair.
Before I could make my escape, the Trumparts had kicked open the door. “Seize the scoundrel” the four of spades ordered the other cards. They charged me but were stopped as they began to slowly and aimlessly float into the air like balloons. My trap elixir they just stepped in now made them as light as a feather. Or rather as light as a card.
What do you know? I actually found a use for that silly potion.
“So long, airheads” I cockily mocked them. Their perplexed faces was something that I wish I had the time to savor. If I only had my phone on me.
Although my brashness was quickly ballbusted as I began exiting the window. Down below was the three of hearts Trumpart waiting for me. “There’s no escape, stranger. You will come with us”
Clever albeit dirty girl.
Nevertheless, I jumped onto the top of the large tent nearby. The Trumpart followed me underneath, waiting to jump me once I came down. I grabbed a tight hold of the canvas and proceeded to kick one of the corner posts out from under the side that I was near. Naturally, I dropped down, pulling the tent with me. Getting the domino effect I was hoping for, the tent collapsed onto the other mamano, including my Valentine Trumpart.
With all the chaos of the mamano yelling and screaming under the fallen tent, I was able to sneak away undetected as I slid down a hill away from the plaza.
Finally able to catch my breath, I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of my situation. I follow a nutty cat chick who takes me on a joy ride through a land of Lewis Carroll’s wet dream where I got to eat a blowjob for dessert. If that’s wasn’t enough, now I got into trouble with the authorities for not being a gigolo when all I want to do is peacefully fight to the death with aliens from another dimension.
If only I could have predicted this scenario in my gradeschool days when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up. It would have got my ass sent to the principal’s office but it sure beat saying that I wanted to be an astronaut.
“I’m speechless” came a chipper voice next to me.
“Good. Stay that way” I ribbed her in between breaths.
“How marvelous! You’re even more mad than I thought you were”
“You didn’t bother telling me about the laws in Wonderland because…?” I inquired to my furry guide.
“It slipped my mind?” she answered knowingly with a wide grin. “But if you’re worried, it’s not that hard to get yourself out of this predicament you got yourself into”
“Yeah I know, you want me to keep my hands to yourself. For fuck’s sake, I already told you no! So give it a rest”
“You know, the more you say no, the more our lust will grow”
“Doesn’t ‘no’ mean ‘no’ here?” I griped as I brushed her teasing tail off of my chin.
“Well, ‘no’ means ‘yes’ here in Wonderland”
“Then what the hell does ‘yes’ mean?”
“Silly, Jason. ‘Yes’ means ‘yes’, of course!” she giggled like the sleazy feline she was.
I growled in frustration. Of course it was like that. It would be weird if it wasn’t. I should have just told the Trumparts I was gay. Then maybe I could have avoided all this bullshit.
“How the fuck was I supposed to know there was any red tape in this looney bin!?”
“You could have asked about the rules before you decided to become an outlaw”
Great now I’m going against the grain… like a rebel.
“I thought there would only be one rule here: Rule 34” I scoffed sarcastically.
“Hehehe. As a servant to the Queen of Hearts and the one you committed a felony against, I actually should report that I found you”
“Oh really? Well next time those card-sharks come after my ass I may have to draw. And my trigger finger is getting awfully itchy”
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to tattle on you. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that you would get into trouble and you haven’t disappointed. You’re just too fascinating to give over to the Queen. For now, I want play with you some more. And you were right; my tour is over. Now… I want you to be my tour guide”
Just what I need. Fighting the Skarliks was going to be a bitch, so I really wasn’t too keen on having the peanut-gallery following me around.
“I work better alone, Niko”
“Of course if I get lonely, I’ll could just go chat with the Trumparts to amuse myself” she said smugly.
Oh boy. So they do have blackmail in Wonderland.
With my tight frown glaring at her, I had to give in. “You want to tag along?” I groaned.
“Yipee! Of course I would!” she jumped up and cheered much to my dissatisfaction.
Reaching into my pocket, I retrieved my tracker for an update. Bingo! I finally picked up a signal almost a mile away.
“Just be seen, not heard. And keep your head down when shit starts to fly” I sternly advised Niko. Actually, that was good advice. I should do that too.
Keeping my own head down as I closed in on the signal, I eventually found my target. It was the same Skarlik that I’d let go back there in the cave. Now he had met up with two other armed Skarliks, one with a heavier blaster and the other with an assault rifle. Amping up the competition are we?
Instead of an ambush right there, I decided to covertly follow them to see if they’d lead me to other Skarliks. Along the way, I noticed that none of the mamano paid any attention to them. If I hadn’t been playing a simulation of Metal Gear, other mamano would have come charging at me like rabbits in the Spring. How come they got a free pass?
“Hey, would you fuck any of those guys?” I asked Niko. It felt surprisingly normal asking her that question.
“Hmmm. They’re not particularly arousing. Not like you sexy humans. They don’t look too different from human men but they’re definitely not like you. They don’t make me wet…” Niko slurred her last words. I was too focused on them to care.
If my detective skills are working, then I suppose mamano only have a thing for humans. Not that they would have encountered aliens before but this isn’t a choose your own sex fantasy like in Mass Effect. Despite being inhuman themselves, they only lusted after humans. These Skarliks were not dating material. And I knew that these ass clowns wouldn’t lust after these mamano. Good. I don’t have to worry about any broken hearts.
Eventually, the three Skarliks met up with the other Skarliks. With my limited field of view, it was hard to fully scout them out. Luckily, Niko was eager to do some scouting for me. She probably thought of this whole thing as a game. Regardless, she proved to be a natural with her poofing and levitation abilities. I owe her a kitty treat.
Niko had counted a total of nine Skarliks and pointed me toward a safe vantage point. Once I had a clear view from a rocky slope above, I scoped them with my visors. My heart sank at what I saw. I recognized the leader of this group. His name was Turos.
Goddammit. That motherfucker was still alive? And here, as well? My situation already sucked, but it just got much, much worse. Like having to go to a Carrot Top standup, only to find out he’s doing a mime act.
Turos was a commander, this much I knew. I also knew how dangerous and smart he was. Tough as nails and a clever strategist on the battlefield. Clever enough to have killed several units in my division. People I knew… And after the last time we met, well, let’s just say that he might be happy to see me if only for the chance to tie my lungs around my neck for bow tie. And me becoming a Skarlik party crasher wasn’t exactly endearing.
Fortunately for me, he was wounded. Favoring his arm and limping as he walked, he regrouped with my bugged Skarlik who no doubt filled him in on the details. He wouldn’t be tickled pink to see me, but I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t fun watch that sack of shit in agony. Whatever. I planned on ending his agony. Yeah, I’m very humane that way. Besides, now was as good a time as ever to knock him off before he recovered and rallied any other troops that could come through a portal in the future.
If I could just get close enough for a more accurate shot.
“Stay here and… clean yourself” I ordered Niko. She may have been good at maneuvering, but she had no idea what she was getting into. And I didn’t need her death on my hands.
Once I had slid down the hill a bit, I settled into a good firing position among some large mushrooms while still remaining above their field of view. As I aimed my gun at Turos, I just needed him stay still long enough so I could open his fucking head like a melon.
Before I was ready to fire, the mushrooms beneath me began to jitter. Next I was pushed to the side as they sprouted up from the ground, revealing that they belonged to a pair of Matangos..
“Ow! Not so rough, sweetheart!” they bellowed out in unison.
Dammit, dammit, dammit! This isn’t happening!
But it was too late. I heard Turos angrily yell “It’s the crosh!” from down below. Like I said, he was just thrilled to see me again. But now, my cover had been blown because of a stupid fucking mistake on my part. I hope I lived through this upcoming fight so I could curse myself in a mirror later.
With nothing to lose, I immediately opened fire on them and tossed in an energy grenade for good measure. Too bad that bastard Turos avoided my shots. All the commotion sent the Matangos back underground. If only I could do the same. Instead, I had to duck and fire my way down the rest of the hill and take cover behind a rock to avoid return fire. Their firepower vastly outclassed me but as long as I played defensively, I could hold my ground.
Through all of the lasers fire, they began to retreat into the forest. Strange. I wasn’t exactly a one-man army. So why would-, ah-ha! The grunts were trying get the wounded Turos to safety.
Not if I could help it. Looks like I’ll have to play offense.
Diving from one cover to another, I trailed behind them and returned fire whenever I could. It proved difficult to get a bead on Turos as two of his goons helped him scurry along. Thankfully I had some of their weapons to fight with, so now I could last longer. Man, I wish I still had Karvale to back me up; even just to have her smash a single skull… Turos’ skull.
Well man up, dipstick. You’re on your own again.
I didn’t even have time to wonder where Niko had ended up.
My own bandaged wounds weren’t making things any easier. Sure, touring Wonderland wasn’t much of a problem for me, but now I was jumping through branches and slamming into rocks. Not quite the R&R my body was begging me for. How does Rambo do it?
We had been so busy blasting our way through the colorful thicket that it took me a second to realize that we had entered a clearing. A large round clearing with a long, long table that stretched almost the entire diameter of the clearing.
A table? One with a shit-ton of chairs and an even greater number of bouncing teapots puffing multi-colored steam into the air? Do I even need to tell you viewers who was sitting at this table?
That’s right. They sexy versions of Ed Wynn, Jerry Colonna, and probably some mouse inside one of the big ass tea pots. Like I said; a party crasher.
Four of the Skarliks had taken cover behind this table and continued firing. Luckily, they hadn’t taken any hostages, opting to ignore the Wonderland cover girls who had started backing off from the table. Now we had spectators for our little deathmatch.
Always the entertainer in Wonderland.
Being at this distance was no good. So I seized a big, thick broken mushroom nearby which was thick enough to act as a shield. After a quick reload of my Skarlik firearms, it was full steam ahead as I charged toward the table, plowing through their hailstorm of laser shots.
I leaped onto the table and dived onto one of the Skarliks. Using the super mushroom, I pinned him and his weapon to the ground, leaving his head exposed. All the easier to pop a few shots into. Once he was dead, I turned toward the other three and started to charge with my “shield” up.
Though I have to work on my Captain America skills. The stronger Skarlik tanked my Hail Mary and threw me backwards, sending the mushroom flying. I instinctively rolled under the table away from their gunfire. Standing up on the other side, I began to run and gun my way along the other side of the table. Gunfire was going everywhere, tearing up the teapots and dishes in a frenzy of tea and glass.
Our scrimmage was interrupted when an exceptionally thick puff of steam erupted from the teapots and blasted all of us in the face, watering our eyes and throwing off our game. As I blindly rubbed my way back to 20/20 vision, I felt something latch onto my Skarlik pistols and yank them out of my hands. No matter, I still had my old faithful firearms.
Or at least I thought I did. They were gone too. What next?
With my eyesight back, the steam started to clear. I was greeted with the sight of three dumbfounded and unarmed Skarliks. Geez, I hope I didn’t look as stupid as they did.
But on to the pressing question: where the fuck are our weapons?
It was then that I heard the trio of pot heads cheering from the other end of the table. Even the Doormouse had come out of her teapot. “Fistfight! Fistfight! Fistfight!” they merrily shouted while prancing about with all the lunacy and fanservice of a cheerleading squad. Well okay, much more fanservice. I wish I was having as much fun as those bimbos were.
But that still didn’t answer my question. Oh Lord, give me some help.
*Poof* Niko appeared in front of me. I found it kinda comforting to see the adoration in her eyes. “If you’re looking for that kick you need, then try searching through the tea with speed” she said cryptically into my ear as she tapped a nearby teapot with her claw. Then she poofed away.
Oh come on Lord; you can do better than that.
Were the weapons in the teapots? But how? With my only hint being that, I figured it made as much sense as anything else. Fuck it. So let’s start searching for those teapots that had that extra “kick”
It was a big table though…
I began searching vigorously for my weapons in whatever pot I could grab. Either the Skarliks solved the riddle or it was a case of monkey see monkey do, because they began searching inside the pots like me. To say I felt like a ass-backwards asshole would be an understatement. Highly skilled soldiers now at the mercy of a crockery of bullshit; having to participate in a kindergarten scavenger hunt just so they could kill each other. It’s funny when you think about it.
But in times of panic, pride rides in the trunk.
My search had me crawling up onto the table, digging into the dancing pots like a drunkard after his tab got maxed out. Before long, I ended up coming face to face with one of the Skarliks. We locked eyes briefly. In that moment, I think the realization of how insane this situation was hit us both at the same time. I almost tittered. It was a strange moment of comradery between us. As if we asked each other, “How did we get here?”
It didn’t last long though as I proceeded to smash the teapot over his head. Nope. No weapon in that one.
Just then, another Skarlik charged at me. Desperate for a weapon, I began hurling various teapots at him. It was actually pretty pathetic having to resort to tactics no more advanced than the Three Stooges. Eventually he broke through my tea storm and tackled me down. Landing on a bunch of dancing teapots sounds fun? It was more of a wake-up than the tea itself. The linebacker went to stomp his foot onto my face which I was quick to roll away from. Then I grabbed the tablecloth and yanked it from under his feet. Worked in comedies, and it worked here. I’ll laugh about it later.
Once he was down, I mounted myself above him and unloaded some heavy blows into his face like a caveman. I wished my gauntlet still had some power in it.
However, being on top didn’t give me the advantage I needed. These Skarliks were stronger than a human and this freak was quick to reiterate it. Like Luke fighting Darth Vader; Empire Strikes Back, Luke.
Lifting me up by the neck, haha like Vader would do, he slammed me down hard. Hopefully that wasn’t a cake I crashed on to. But I’ll worry about that later since he then dragged then chucked me down along the table, crashing through several teapots.
By the way, the tea was really fucking hot.
I hadn’t even began to pluck the glass shards out of my hair before a large arm seized my neck and held me tight. It was the Skarlik covered in tea from the pot I had smashed over his head. Figures, the caffeine was more of a ‘picker-upper’ than it was a sedative. Across the table, the other Skarlik was approaching. I don’t know what was more fierce; the dagger he was carrying or the animalistic aggression joining his scowl. Yup, I sure knew how to bring that out in people.
I think I had a better chance of escaping Veina’s affections than I did this Skarlik’s grasp. I was trapped; unable to defend myself as I was held down. And it wouldn’t take long for Michael Myers over there to close in and carve me up like a Jack O’ Lantern. In the middle of a Skarlik sandwich, and me about to supply the ketchup.
Boy did I need an escape plan. So with my only free hand, I grabbed a nearby sugar bowl and threw it into my captor’s face. Maybe that would sweeten up his sour puss while I slithered free during the brief lapse in his grip. He was too busy de-sweetening his eyes to see my boot collide with his face.
Recognizing the furious cry behind me, I grabbed a coffee tray and shielded myself just in time to block his incoming dagger. During the struggle, the tray was flung away from both of us, the dagger still stuck in it. After he rammed me off my feet with his shoulder, I swiftly grabbed a metal creamer which I then used to uppercut him, Mortal Kombat style, as I rose to my feet. The creamer crumpled onto my hand from the impact, spraying liquid everywhere. Before I could follow up, a powerful right cross to my face sent me off the table. Needing a bigger weapon, I grabbed a chair and surprised him with a shot to his head as he stalked me. Finally he dropped to his knees. I decided to add another layer of paint as I approached his dazed body and used as much strength as I had left to shatter the chair over the back of his head. Hopefully some of that cracking sound was his skull. Maybe he’ll be down for a the count.
I glanced back toward Sweet Tooth. He had just about recovered, so I flung a teapot and nailed him in the back. I wish I could say that was a good move but unfortunately it wasn’t. I shuttered as I realized the pot I threw had released a firearm right in front of him. And he wasn’t too dazed to realize it. Fucking bullshit luck. Like the frantic fool that I was, I raced toward him as fast as my fleeting energy would allow. He had almost gotten the gun into a firing position before I slammed into him, knocking him back with full force. Upon hitting the ground, I readied myself for the inevitable struggle. But I was pleasantly surprised to find him quite dead. How about that? He landed on the dagger that was still stuck in the tray. If I had planned that, I’d be pretty impressed with myself.
I wanted that gun, bad. But before I could retrieve it, I was hit in my shoulder. A sharp pain spread through me arm and chest as I was knocked down. Oh yeah. I forgot about the last Skarlik at the other end of the table. Goddammit he had a gun too. Now I know what he was doing during my bar room brawl with the other two. Well, more like tea house brawl.
And coincidentally, I recognized that gunfire sound. Are you kidding me? He had one of my guns. How embarrassing; to get killed by your own firearms. Up yours, irony.
I was forced to retreat from the nearby weapon. Fortunately, I managed to survive his laser barrage and reclaim the fungi shield from earlier. I sighed some relief as I remained safe from the gunfire. Once it stopped, I got curious. So I peeked over and found an energy grenade he had thrown onto my “shield”
I chucked the shroom toward the Skarlik who had collected enough of himself from the chair that I unceremoniously broke over his noggin. He had no time to react before the grenade detonated in a blast of blue energy and even darker blue blood.
Now they have jelly at this tea party.
Not surprisingly, the last Skarlik had begun firing on me once again. As I ducked for cover, I found myself near the first Skarlik that I had killed.
Oh hell yeah…
I rolled over the corpse and back under the table. There, I waited, anticipating the unsuspecting fuck nugget to come over and finish the job. Once he got close enough, I immediately burst out from under the table and let my newly acquired assault rifle rip into him. Down he went, fresh worm food.
Fuck yeah. Now I had a machine gun. Ho ho ho.
Victory… just barely. For my spoils, I got a new kickass rifle to add to my collection. A very merry unbirthday to me, indeed.
I should have been much happier but I wasn’t. Because then, I realized that my last kill was the Skarlik I had placed my tracker on. Oh… not cool.
With an exhausted grunt, I plopped myself down in a chair and contemplated. I was pissed. That silent kind of anger filling my body. I’d spent too long fighting these assholes. Long enough for Turos to escape. Tracking him would be hard enough, but in Wonderland I might as well have been trying to find a needle in a haystack… a haystack where someone forgot to hide the needle in the first place. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
I’d won… so why do I feel like I had lost?
The Wonderland spirit squad, led by Niko, came running over to congratulate me and sing praises that I didn’t feel I deserved.
“Wonderful, wonderful” cheered the March Hare hugging against me.
“This has been our finest party yet” praised the Mad Hatter.
“Very… very fine… indeed” slurred the sleepy Dormouse as she plopped her head onto the trainwreck of a table.
Niko said nothing but watch gleefully as the girls fawned over me. “Whatever. Just get me a fucking drink” I grumbled at the Mad Hatter who was happy to oblige. I felt like getting shitfaced now more than ever. I hated tea, but after that whole ordeal, it might as well have been a fucking six-pack of Budweiser. It was overly sweet, just as I suspected. But fuck if I cared.
The three kooks were so enthralled with excitement that they resumed their tea party and paid no attention to me as I scavenged the Skarlik bodies for equipment. And in case you folks are wondering, yes I searched the rest of the teapots until I found the rest of the weapons. Not really comfortable having to slip a sticky gun into your coat.
The only one that paid me any attention was Niko. She seemed concerned. Don’t get me wrong, she was still wearing a lewdly enchanted smile, even in front of a walking ‘messterpiece’ like me. I expected that from her, but the look in her eyes didn’t seem quite as sneaky as before. I really couldn’t read her. I might have figured it out If I had given it a second thought before packing up my things and wandering off.
I ventured in the direction that Turos and his cronies went. A half hour later, nothing. Not even a trace.
I was pissed. Really pissed. How was I supposed to recover from this? I couldn’t track them anymore, not to mention the fact that I couldn’t zero in on any future portals either. A cold feeling of demoralization began to wash over me, which only made me more furious; at everything. How I got here, how I had no way back home, how I fucked up my mission, all of it causing me to take out my rage on the surrounding foliage. Tearing, yanking, throwing, cursing, and any other healthy way of letting out your anger spurred me on as my frustration came to the surface.
Searching for a little longer, I eventually relented and decided to leave this dreamland. The aching all over my body, both new and old, told me that it had had enough for one day. My internal rage had also eased as fatigue set in. I did all I could. Live to fight another day, right? Best to just go home. But how the hell do I get out of here?
“Isn’t this where we came in, Jason?”
Niko dropped down from a nearby tree and skipped over to me. As tired as I may have been, I was relieved to see Niko. She wasn’t harmed; that was good.
“Looks like it, Niko. And it’s also where we go out” I replied bitterly.
“You want to leave?”
“Unless you can tell me where those other guys went off to”
“Those strange people you were chasing? Oh, I followed them for you while you amused the girls. They left through a gateway out of Wonderland”
“Thanks. Where is that gateway?” I asked. Though it was better than nothing, the fact that they escaped Wonderland wouldn’t help me track them.
“You don’t want to leave already, do you Jason?” she said with a dismissive wave of her paw.
“Yes I do. Now show me the damn door”
“Oh come on, Jason. There’s so much more for us to see… and do. You wouldn’t want to leave and miss it all, would you? Besides, I’ve had such fun playing with you. You’re so unpredictably exciting. That was the best performance I’ve ever seen. Would you do it again?”
That was it. I snapped.
“Take your head out of your fucking ass!” I roared at her, catching her off guard. “Don’t you get it? I killed them. That wasn’t a goddamn magic show”
For the first time since I met her, Niko was shocked. Her eyes widened. That adorable glow had faded from her usually lively eyes. “But… why?”
“Why else? Those shitheads were dangerous, and it’s a good thing you didn’t get involved. If you only knew what they do to people who cross their path. They’re not here to have fun, get it? They make war, not love. And your little charm spells are not going to change that”
Niko’s ears flattened onto her head and her face drooped with mild grief. “I didn’t know”
“Of course you didn’t” I hissed. There wasn’t much sympathy in me yet. “I wouldn’t expect anyone in Wonderland to give two fucks about it. Well I just so happen to care enough that I’m willing to do something; namely hunt them and kill them. But now my chances of that are as smashed as much as that table back there. I got no way to hunt them, so I probably won’t find them again until it’s too late. My only hope was this, but now it’s just a worthless piece of shit!” I snapped as I tossed my broken tracker against a tree.
Storming off, I felt no relief having let out my frustration. Niko had taken the brunt of my rage. Actually, that made me feel even worse.
“Jason!” she called to me. “Where are you going?”
“To find a way out of here and hope to God that I can pick up some kind of a trail to those bastards”
*Poof* She stopped me in my tracks.
“Why do you want to fight? What fun is that?”
“I don’t find it fun”
She gently placed her paws against my chest while keeping her purple, longing eyes fixed on me. Wasn’t as lusty as playfully persuasive. “Then why do it? You belong here Jason. In Wonderland, you wouldn’t have to worry about those kinds of things anymore. Here, you can enjoy all the wondrous pleasures life has to offer. Think of all the unbirthdays we can enjoy while screwing each other crazy. You’ve been staring, haven’t you? And we did have a good time together, didn’t we? We could have so much more…”. Niko’s tail lifted her skirt slightly as she coaxed me.
I thought back to everything Niko and I had been through. Wonderland was definitely infectious.
“Of course I would enjoy it. This place has more laughs than a Texas-sized barrel of monkeys” I admitted.
“Then why don’t you want to stay with me?”
“Because it is too fun!” Niko looked at me oddly as she cocked her head like the curious cat she was. “You don’t think I could easily lose myself here? To just say ‘fuck it’ and then… fuck it? Yeah it sounds great to be able to forget the problems of an adult and just live the rest of your life like a kid. Well, it would be more like living your life as a teenager but I’m not going to let hormones run my life like a prepubescent, fuck-brain idiot who just discovered he has a penis. I didn’t come here looking to escape my problems. This is my job; my purpose. One of my own choice. You wouldn’t understand. You get to live as carefree as the Addams family. Well not everyone gets that choice in life. So I can’t let you or the lure of this place distract me anymore. I have real problems; it comes with growing up. Why don’t you?” I snarled as my temperament got the better of me again.
Niko’s ears flattened again as she sadly slid her paws off my chest. Her cheerful grin completely disappeared as sorrow took her. A justified but still asshole reaction on my part. Nice one, dickwad. To someone who you knew didn’t bear you any ill will. Sure, she was a sneaky little thing with one hell of an evil smile, but what could you expect from someone who grew up in Wonderland? Ordinary mamano have submitted themselves to the maddening freedom that Wonderland offers without even a down payment; and Niko was a natural inhabitant. She may have got on my nerves but, well, I kind of liked it.
Also, Niko was just endearing, in an insane kind of way. She helped me remember the limitless joy I had felt in my younger days, something that I found myself appreciating more than I expected. Beneath that enticing figure of hers, I guess I saw some of my younger carefree self. Or at least who I think I was back then. Man, it feels so long ago. Even so, she was definitely enjoyable to have as company. Besides her obvious sex appeal, I found her fun to watch. Just seeing her swagger about in her own lunacy was entertaining. I always considered myself nuts in my own way, and her madcap personality made it all the easier to gaslight me into losing myself in Wonderland. Who wouldn’t want to let loose and ride with a beautiful woman in a place as Wild, Wild West as this?
But that’s just it; it was too easy. I wasn’t looking for an easy way out because I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was a man who had steeled himself to life hardships and who now had to fix the sins of the past. I wish I could have afforded to sing “Let It Go” but that choice died a long time ago for me. Now if only “Let It Go” would die. Seriously, fuck that song.
On a side note, I wasn’t too keen on letting Wonderland turn me into a brainwashed inmate. Yeah I know I had been easing up on the whole brainwashing conspiracy theory but in Wonderland, anything goes. That and the thought of becoming an Incubus, Veina unleashing all hellfire if someone else fucked me first, and all those other consequences I left out for simplicity’s sake.
“I’m sorry, alright? It’s nothing you did, it’s something I did. Just be happy that you’re able to live your life here” I said as I begrudgingly tried to comfort Niko. It was the least I could do.
“I understand” Niko lamented. Really? She did? “It’s just that, you’re not like anyone that’s ever entered Wonderland before. Being so strange and irresistible made you very ideal to be a resident. You’re just so electrifying and there was so much more excitement for us to have together. I still think you belong here; not out there. Out there are nasty things like duties, and responsibilities, and… logic. Things make sense out there. It’s no fun”
Wow. Honest feelings from her. How rare. Having sense which makes sense to someone without sense, which is why it makes no sense to those without sense. Wrap your brain around that.
“I wish I could, but I can’t, okay? So please… can you show this ironhead the way out” I asked as I braced myself. I was still at her mercy after all.
“… Of course I will. After all, that’s what a good tour guide is for!” she said aglow with that pleasantly familiar grin once again. Thank God. I thought she would extort some of my “rocket fuel” before showing me the door.
“Well technically, I should hold you down and violate you before I let you go…” she suggestively suggested. I know I didn’t vocalize my suspicion and only thought it, but fuck, I’ll say it; me and my big mouth. “However, I find the prospect of aiding in a wanted criminal’s escape rather thrilling. So allow me to show you the exit”
Dodged a curving bullet there.
Placing her fluffy paws on my shoulders, she faced me in the opposite direction toward the colorful but dark treeline. “Now turn around” she instructed. Facing her again, she gestured for me to turn away from her yet again.
“You want to add some pixie dust to this act?” I joked, eliciting a giggle from her. Nevertheless, I obeyed.
This time however, a big bright passage through the trees had manifested out of nowhere. I could see the world of the normies at the end of the passage. “Ta-da!” came Niko’s rejoicing voice. Awesome. I was so grateful to see some semblance of reason that I wasn’t even going to question how in the shit-biscuit she did that. Let that be a lesson to you folks; don’t check the price tag on a gift.
Strangely, there’s a first, my horse and cart wagon were waiting for me nearby. But I left them outside Wonderland.
“I thought it would be nice to bring your horse and sex toys in for you. So they wouldn’t get stolen” said Niko, as she read my mind.
‘Sex toys’? Oh she means my equipment, just filtered through her lust-crazed eyes. Then again, I could fuck people up with them.
I eagerly mounted my cart and began to roll out with Niko graciously gesturing me to pass through. “Thanks again, fuzz face. Wish me luck with my crazy shit out there” I remarked as I made my way down the passage.
The last image I saw of Niko was of her ever-widening grin. At least I took the comedian route and left her wanting more.
Emerging from the other side of the passage, a comfortable familiarity filled up within me. Like a massive breath of fresh air. Though that relief quickly went sour as I remembered my unlucky conundrum; how was I going to find the Skarliks? After scanning the area as thoroughly as I could, I had to face the fact that there wasn’t a trace of them. Nothing for me to follow. Now, I was left in the dark. With nothing left for me to do there, I decided to just head home and worry myself over all of the worse case scenarios. How many Skarliks were left and how the hell do I find them now? What would I do when other portals opened in the future? Could I assemble some kind of portal tracker back in my lab? Gee, maybe I should have taken Niko’s offer rather than deal with this bullshit again.
Although, my grief didn’t bug me for too long as my exhaustion became too much to bear. In less than half a mile, I pulled my cart over to the side and let the peace of slumber take me. Save my fretting for later.