If you’re reading this, I might be dead. I hope I’m not, of course, but I have to tell you, things don’t look too rosy in the good ol’ Royal Capital these days. Especially for a scrawny, bookish type like Yours Truly. I got all excited when the letter came, telling me I’d been promoted to a general. However, now I’m not so excited. The whole thing is due to Uncle. Fucker probably wants me gone so he can take a pass at my mother, that cheating bastard. May Ilias damn him.
Deep hatred for your scheming relatives aside, time to get to the backstory. I enrolled into the army because of these two fully understandable reasons:
1. Because every other profession requires a skill level well above my own. That, and I’m apparently a born leader and possess a great understanding of the battlefield if that letter is to be believed. Which it is not.
2. It’s the family tradition, the first son becomes a soldier, rest of the family remains home. Just my luck, eh?
Now, what’s the current situation that requires an immediate military campaign you (probably didn’t) ask? Well, it’s an Undead Invasion, of course.
Don’t look at the image you made of me in your head like that, I’m not crazy, we’re legitimately being attacked by a large horde of living corpses (who are all lasvicious women, if the adventurers from the nearby bar are to be believed.). That’s what the higher-ups said, at least. I could understand monsters, but corpses? Seriously? What nonsense is that?
Enough with the rambling. The army is already prepared and should depart tomorrow.
I hope this will be a fast campaign. After all, they already died once, no?
Soldiers Dead: 0
Soldiers Missing: 0
Soldiers Remaining: 10000
Priests Dead: 0
Priests Missing: 0
Priests Remaining: 200
Troops’ sanity: As good as it’s going to get.
My sanity: Good
Already, so, that report should be good enough for the guys back at base. Back to the story.
Turns out that it’s not that easy to kill someone twice. Especially when they have no blood left to bleed. That strange inky substance that they let out whenever they’re struck by a sword? Not gonna question it. It’s for the best.
At any rate, seems like the adventurers were not joking. They really are all women. Lasvicious too, as one unlucky fellow soon found out. While they indeed eat flesh like in the old stories, I never expected them to ‘eat’ flesh in that way. Apparently, it was better than when he does it with his wife. I could have lived without knowing it.
We quickly downed the village from which the monsters came from and had the priests purify it. Along with the man’s ‘equipment’. I could have lived without knowing that too.
We’re off to a good start, at least.
Soldiers Dead: 0
Soldiers Missing: 24
Soldiers Remaining: Remaining: 9976
Priests Dead: 0
Priests Missing: 1
Priests Remaining: 199
Troop’s sanity: Could be better.
My sanity: Not as good as before.
So, I’ve come to find out that there are a bunch of different types of undead.
I’ll begin to list them here.
First off, there’s the regular Zombie. Your old fashioned shambling corpse. Just stab till they stop moving.
Second off, Skeletons. Basically, it’s a set of bones brought forth with magic. Pretty resistant to piercing. Slashes should disable them fairly quickly.
And last off there are Ghosts. They hunt the personnel and try to absorb their essence. In impure ways, of course. Physical attacks are useless against them, your best bet is to quickly find a priest and have him purify the damn thing out of you. There has been a case, however, in which the evil soul took a corporeal form after she gathered enough energy from one of the poor bastards. Apparently, the poor bastard’s tent was pure white by the time the others got there. She was just… riding him. After we got rid of her, the man was stricken with grief, started crying out, “Dear, dear, what have you done to my wife?!”
Sent him to the priests’ quarter, they’ll be able to get rid of his madness. Maybe.
Besides that, I sent a team of soldiers and a priest to the neighboring village. Cleaned it out earlier, however, it was better to advance than to remain there, so, they were left with the job of purifying the place. Let’s hope that they’ll return safely.
Soldiers Dead: 50
Soldiers Missing: 500
Soldiers Remaining: 9450
Priests Dead: 5
Priests Missing: 10
Priests Remaining: 185
Troops’ sanity: Fine.
My Sanity: Fine.
There are more types of undead. I found about this the hard way.
Ghouls. Corpses covered in blood. Fast, agile and sneaky. They are not mindless. They’d make great whores in the capital, however. Attempts at decapitating them are futile. Bone-like growths extend from their shoulders to their necks. Attack the limbs. Should put them down.
Nightmares. Akin to Ghosts, they can’t be harmed physically. They attack at night when the soldiers are resting. Rumor has it that they can be tricked and paralyzed by pretending to be asleep. I have yet to confirm these rumors. Some of the soldiers already have though. And, as he put it. Horse pussy is shit. Best bet is to have the priests lay a holy ward around the encampment each night. This is not foolproof.
“The team from before is dead. From this point onwards, any team that goes missing for more than 3 days shall be presumed dead. Any man who has been possessed by ghosts and is unable to regain his sanity after five days shall put to death and his body will be purified afterward.”
This is the statement that I released today.
The team I mentioned before was discovered. The monsters won’t stay dead. Sure, the soldiers’ bodies are fine, but their minds are gone. That black goo? Its nature is magical. It turns them mad. They just become lustful beasts, no better than the undead. It is befitting of us to treat them as such. They joined their ‘lovers’ in damnation.
Having to put my own men out of their mystery does me no good. Same goes for the others.
Ah, regarding our progress? We’ve encountered our first horde today. The ones from before? They were just the scouts. Merely scanning the surroundings as the horde advanced. All those villages were lost to those bottom feeders.
How did it go you ask? You’ve seen the report, have you not? We won, sure, but the casualties were not pretty. Not at all. At least, I like to assume they were casualties, knowing those things, they most likely became ‘husbands’. That’s what they always moan out when they approach. That’s what they always scream when we strike them down. And that’s what they whisper when they rise yet again.
This is not good for the troops’ morale.
Not at all.
Soldiers Dead: 1000
Soldiers Missing: 2000
Soldiers Remaining: 7000
Priests Dead: 40
Priests Missing: 30
Priests Remaining: 130
Troops’ sanity: Declining
My Sanity: Still fine, believe it or not.
The miasma of death is becoming more frequent.
Something new appeared since my last entry.
It’s called the Dullahan. Strategic, ruthless and Intelligent. They’re the leaders of the hordes. Experienced warriors, a few soldiers stand no chance against them. They must be overwhelmed on sight. After all, they’re able to lead the hordes.
One of them was successfully captured and brought in for interrogation. That proved fruitless, however, once I began to use more…unconventional methods, she started to speak. Through moans, that is.
Apparently, as long as we destroy the lich behind this invasion, we will be victorious. Already knowing her location, this should be a piece of cake.
Now, if you excuse me for cutting this short. I’ll see if I can get more information from Elizabeth. Maybe I should try anal next… Fellatio was getting old anyways.
Soldiers Dead: 8000
Soldiers Missing: This category shall be removed. They’re either dead or alive.
Soldiers Remaining: 2000
Priests Dead: 150
Priests Missing: This category shall be removed. They’re either dead or alive.
Priests Remaining: 50
Troops’ sanity: Barely hanging on
My Sanity: Declining steadily.
Elizabeth sure knew how to keep her mouth shut when it mattered. Damned bitch made a lie of omission. We had encountered every type of undead in their army. However, she never told me that a new type could appear from the lowliest of them all.
Wights. An evolved type of Zombie that is born through the consumption of energy. To compare them to their former selves was blasphemous. They are beings of elegance, beauty,and power. The Queens of the Undead.
We stood no chance.
A few weeks back, seeing how the undead could still provide quite the relief (Having experienced that myself), I decided to allow my men to take ‘prisoners’. More like willing sluts. They did indeed raise the troops’ morale.
However, through continued exposure to spiritual energy, the mindless zombies changed. They became aware of their situation and waited. Waited for the day when they had enough power to transform. To transform into Wights.
Once that happened, hell broke loose. Whoever tried to stop them fell to their knees in orgasmic bliss after a mere touch. Tens upon tens of soldiers lost in mere minutes, all of them worshipping their new goddesses.
We stood no chance.
I gathered the remaining men and made a break for it, leaving the others behind, knowing that it was too late for them.
And Elizabeth? She just stood there, smirking within the chaos. The smirk from her first day as a prisoner. The smirk she always seemed to carry on her lips.
And then, watching as we departed, she blew a kiss, making a come hither gesture towards me.
At that moment, I felt two emotions.
Fear. As I realized what her plan was from the very beginning.
And rage. As I understood that this was not the last time I’d be seeing her.
At least, her directions are not wrong. The castle of the Lich is within sight.
This will be over soon.
Soldiers Dead: All of them.
Soldiers Remaining: Not a single one left.
Priests Dead: I’ve failed. They’ve won.
Priests Remaining: I’ve… No.
Troops’ sanity: I can do this.
My sanity: On the verge of insanity.
Liches are fascinating. Forces of nature to be reckoned with. Capable of bringing the dead back to life. En masse, nonetheless. It doesn’t matter how many times you kill her, she’ll just keep coming back. And keep coming back. And keep coming back. They just refuse to die, no matter how many men fell before her minions. No matter how many priests turn into quivering messes upon trying to purify them. No matter how many generals they drove in madness. But…
They have a flaw. A flaw which can effectively destroy them, for you see, their soul is contained within an object. An object that they must protect at all costs. Their phylactery.
If you destroy their phylactery.
You destroy them.
It took us four months to get through her castle.
Four entire months to get through that foul place.
I lost countless man through her traps and minions.
Only a handful of them remained once I reached her chambers. They were filled potions of all different kinds and tomes containing unspeakable evils. And, in the middle of them, there she stood. A corpse covered by an indigo cloak which did nothing to hide her small, pert breasts and her pale, smooth sex. I was entranced upon seeing her figure, yet, that only lasted for a moment before a deep, burning rage took over me. I commanded them, my comrades, to take her down.
They with their last bit of strength managed to. Yet, that was not the end. In a few mere moments, she came back, as if nothing happened and blasted the ones who were closest to her into the walls.
The fight continued on until only I was left.
And here we are, with her soul within my bosom.
As I’m writing this, I can see my skin turning blue. My blood running cold. And… my determination wavering.
My eyelids are getting heavy. I can’t hear my own heartbeat any longer. I feel like I’m dying.
I probably already did.
But, at this point, who cares. I surely don’t. At least I managed to put my thoughts down first. Now, time to-…
Looks like she came back for me. The lich is starting to reform herself too. What a surprise.
How am I still writing this? Did I become one of those things? Incubus, was it? No matter.
It’s time to put an end to this.
Experiment Log #366
Upon continued exposure to undead mana, a man can become susceptible to rapid incubization. At that point, a single shot of concentrated mana is enough to turn him. This, however, will put him into a rut akin to that of an animal. The mental reprogramming(or convincing, as the servants put it) is at its best during this time. The state of rutting also puts the man on his best performance.
Personal Log #367
While the experiment was a success, it seems like my phylactery was damaged after the human’s attack. Now would be the best time for the human forces to attack with all their might.
Like that’ll work.
Upon his defeat, I gave the human general to commander Elizabeth. She seemed quite delighted with her new partner. Just another happy couple in my ever-expanding realm of love(darkness).
Now tell me, King Anon, were this general’s reports satisfactory? Sure seemed like a nice campaign to me. They won’t be as nice from now on, I can assure you of that.
Oh well, I tried to be a concubine first, but this is more lively (excuse the pun).
-With love, Yours Dearest, Me.
-P.S. My boobs are not small.
-P.P.S. They can be though, if you’re into that.