Chapter 9: Nobility!
With some very careful maneuvering, Cheslav managed to back his truck into the small, downtown parking lot. He hadn’t been sure where to take Natasha, and had ended up driving in circles for a few minutes, wondering where to go, when Natasha had prodded him in the right direction.
“Do you want to try that French restaurant downtown? I heard it was pretty good.”
“Ah, comrade Church goes to every week, must be fancy for noble lady.”
Natasha giggled, blushing furiously at being called noble.
Cheslav’s milsurp truck looked a bit out-of-place in front of the small, romantic-looking restaurant, but Natasha had seemed happy when they finally arrived. He hopped out of his side, dashing around the front of his truck to help the wight down.
“Um… can we wait a minute? I’m looking for- Saria!” Natasha ran over to the elf, smothering her in a hug.
“Natasha!” Saria said, standing next to a confused-looking Marshall.
“I’m glad you could make it! Let’s go inside, shall we?” The wight said, wrapping herself around Cheslav’s arm.
The two men sat across from their dates, fidgeting awkwardly as the girls chatted between themselves. Fed up with the silence, Marshall cleared his throat.
“So, uh… Did you plan this ahead of time, or…?”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Marshall,” Saria said, rubbing her feet on his legs, “How could we?”
The women turned to each other and giggled.
“Is it too much to ask for dinner and a nice night out with the men who kidnapped us?” Natasha asked, grinning.
“That wasn’… fine, whatever.”
“You know, I don’t mind being kidnapped, Marshall… I’ll pay for my dinner if you do it again…” Saria said, trying desperately not to drool.
Marshall narrowed his his eyes, frowning at the elf. “Oh, no, I insist. I’ll get you dinner if you never say that again.”
“Aw, come on, I have to pay you back somehow…”
“So, Natasha, y’know anything good here?” he asked, desperately trying to ignore the elf.
“Hmm… I’ve heard their kari kepala ikan is good…”
“Is it, uh… healthy?”
“What? I guess, yeah. It’s got fish and vegetables. I’m in more of a caviar mood, though…”
Cheslav suddenly woke up from his awkward-induced coma. “Natasha also likes caviar?”
“But of course, it’s a noble tradition.” She said, holding up her chin proudly.
“Oh, blin, has been so long! Does noble lady want to have with Cheslav?”
Natasha blushed. Was he more sophisticated than he looked? She couldn’t believe her luck! He was already cute, but he could really enjoy the finer things in life. She imagined her friends laughing, but then being astonished that this little man knew more about elegance than they did! ‘Heh, I’ll show them what a real noble couple looks like.’
“Oh, of course, I’d love to!” She said, trying to hide her excitement.
As the two began talking more about their shared interest, Saria looked across the table at her date, who didn’t even seem to be paying attention to her. He’d long since stopped paying attention to her trying to play footsie with him, and given that she was already halfway laying down to even reach his shins, there was no way she was going to reach his thighs and get his attention back.
‘Dammit, I need to- wait!’ Marshall glanced over at her for a moment and gave her a little smile before looking back away. Oh, this would wake him up.
Picking up her utensils, she casually tossed them under the table, towards Marshall.
“Oooooh, dear, I seem to have dropped my fork~”
“Oh, is it over by me? I can grab it for ya, Saria.”
“Oh, no, that’s alright, I can pull it out- er, grab it- er… eheh… I’ll get it myself, cowboy.”
‘Oh, I’ll be the one taking care of y- OW!’ In trying to get under the table headfirst, she’d hit her head on the edge.
‘Okay, okay. Maybe not the most graceful beginning, but it won’t even matter when I get to see his face when I just pull out his dick and he has to cover- OW!’ In the middle of trying to wipe a string of drool off her mouth, she’d forgotten to keep her head low and banged it again.
‘Dammit, this table’s too low!’ She rubbed her head, then sat back up, more careful this time.
“Hey, Saria? You okay down there?” Marshall asked, concerned with the banging coming from under the table.
“Yeah!” The elf couldn’t help but perk up at hearing his voice, hitting her head a fourth time. “Aaah… C-could you spread your legs, though? It’s kind of low under here…”
Above the table, the waiter had arrived, taking Cheslav’s and Natasha’s orders for caviar, the man insisting it be made ‘like last time was here.’
“But of course, monseigneur. And what will you ‘ave, sir?” The waiter’s fake French accent was starting to grate on Marshall’s nerves, but taking a deep breath, he- What the hell?
Saria, finally getting over to his side, seemed to have completely forgotten about the fork and was laying her face on his thigh, looking up at him with a lecherous grin.
“Fuckin’… Sorry, lemme have the, uh… kal… wait, was it… Carrie… Kepler? …This. I’ll have this.” Marshall said, giving up and pointing at the name on the menu.
“A fine choice, monseigneur.”
Beneath the table, Saria was struggling to catch Marshall’s fly with her teeth as he desperately tried to push her head away.
“And you, madame?” the waiter asked, squatting down to see under the table, notebook still in hand.
“AAAH! WAIT, THIS ISN’T…!”
“Would you like a moment to make your selection?”
“N-no! I mean… uh… g-give me some of what Marshall’s having?!”
“As you wish, madame. Now ‘zen, would anyone like to order any drinks?”
“Does restaurant havings vodka?”
“Of course, sir, only ‘ze finest Grey Goose for your tastes.”
Cheslav shuddered, hearing the dreaded brand’s name.
The wight raised her eyebrows. “You have vodka with caviar? I usually get wine…”
“Of course, Natasha, is way always have done, like Tsar when alive.”
O-oh! The Tsar himself? She couldn’t pass this up! Not only a King, but a foreign one, at that! Natasha fantasized about having Cheslav dress up like that handsome Nicholas II, then taking her into one of those big, four-poster beds and- She came to her senses when the waiter cleared his throat.
“Yes! Er… would you make it a bottle, please? I’d like to try some, as well.”
“And you, sir?”
“Uh, d’you have any vegetable smoothies or somethin’?”
“Right away, sir. I assume madame will be ‘aving ‘er drink from ‘ze tap?”
Both Saria and Marshall blushed furiously, suddenly acutely aware of everyone looking at them. “W-water, please…” Saria squeaked from under the table, sheepishly climbing back into her seat.
A quiet moment passed between them as she stared at him awkwardly, wondering what to say.
“S-so, uh…” She said, stuttering nervously. “H-how about that lady who asked to be your ball gag… haha…”
He shook his head unhappily. “Good lord, I was scared for a sec there. I mean, jesus.”
“Ooooh~? Can’t stand being on the other end of the gag?”
“What? No. I mean… yeah? …I don’t like that kinky stuff, alright?”
“Are you sure, cowboy? You seemed to be awfully good at it for someone who doesn’t like it.”
“Look, when you grow up on a ranch, you… learn things. It don’t mean nothing, okay?”
“Aw, why are you getting so defensive? I don’t mind if you just treat me like a dirty sow who needs some hogtying~”
“N-no, stop that. I ain’t doin’ any of that.”
“Oh, fine. But I just wanted to compliment your technique… you were so gentle.”
“Well, I mean… thanks? I was trying to make sure I wasn’t hurting you or anything, I was trying to use something soft…”
“J-just for me?” Saria said, drooling from every orifice in her body.
“I mean, all I usually have is a pretty stiff jute, since I can get a lot of mileage out of it, but it’s pretty coarse, so I started looking around for something else…”
“You didn’t wanna just use scarves or something?”
“‘Course not, what good are those? You’d slip right out. Anyway, I guess Prudence had some random bits stashed away, so I managed to find some cotton that was pretty soft. How was it, by the way?”
“O-oh… It felt really nice, e-especially with you doing it…”
Marshall nodded before he continued, mostly ignoring the elf. “I mean, I kinda felt bad that I had to give Church my usual stuff, but at least Prudence was more covered up than you were… I mean, ideally, really, I’d have picked up some nice silk or something.”
“Silk?” Saria asked, getting a little more drawn in.
“Yeah, supposed to be real smooth, but it doesn’t bind too much. I’d probably use it for you or Prudence, though, seein’ as you don’t struggle much.”
She grinned, seeing her opportunity. “Sooo… You want a retry with better materials?”
“N-no, I’m not sayin’ that… Just wish I’d had some warning, is all.”
“Well, I think you did a good job, but you don’t want to end up as bad as Church because you didn’t practice, do you? Especially if you’re going to be doing it again~”
Marshall gave her an uncomfortable expression, scratching the back of his head nervously. “Well, of course not, but… u-uh, hey, there’s the food!”
She turned to look, seeing a single dead eye staring at her above a row of jagged-looking teeth.
“AAH! Uh, I mean… um, t-thank you?”
The waiter smiled, setting down two identical bowls in front of Marshall and Saria, a severed fish head in each, sitting in some kind of orange sauce, with a grape tomato stuffed into its mouth like a pig.
“…Natasha, uhh… what is this?”
“Did you not know what it was? It’s a spicy fish head curry.”
Saria gave an uncomfortable whine, looking between Marshall and her dinner. “D-Do we have to eat all the curry?”
Marshall gave her a sad looking nod. “We have to eat all the curry.”
“Cheslav, what are you doing with those crepes?” Natasha asked.
“Ah, usually put sour cream on blini with caviar, makes taste better. Does Natasha want vodka? Will pour.”
Cheslav filled her shot glass full, and she picked it up, taking a mouthful of vodka and swirling it around in her mouth. She didn’t really know much about how to taste vodka, so she figured the usual wine tasting method would-
‘OH GOD, WHY?’
Natasha barely managed to choke down her sip of vodka, nostrils burning from the panicked snort she had made.
‘O-oh god, am I… n-not noble for not being able to enjoy this? I’ve got to… I-it has to be good, I mean, if the Tsar liked it…’ She thought, desperately watching Cheslav scarf down these… blini. She looked at her own plate, the usual fish-and-cracker combination she liked so much.
There was something relieving about having something salty and a little more solid after something so harsh, she had to admit… She cleared her throat, looking to her date again.
“So, er, this is the way you usually eat caviar? I’ve never seen it served like that…”
“Da, was always way babushka made for us. Natasha’s is… fancy, like sushi.”
She couldn’t help but giggle a bit, looking at the goofy grin he had on his face from remembering the ‘fancy’ thing he had in mind. They were really nothing alike, but… She paused for a moment, coming back to what she had planned on asking.
“I was wondering, then… Did you want to trade? I’m interested in what yours are like.”
“Of course, open mouth.” He held out a blin on his fork, cupping his hand under it to stop it from falling.
Natasha was a little embarrassed. H-he was trying to feed her like a child! I-it was kind of romantic, at least… She reached her mouth out, taking a tentative bite.
It was… delicious! The sour cream complemented the saltiness, and the breadiness offset the cream, but it was light and fluffy and- She turned bright red when she realised she was fellating the fork.
“Uh… ahem. That was q-quite good, aha… C-could I have another bite? Actually… do you know how to make this? I think my friends would be impressed with such a noble combination…”
“Da, Cheslav knows. Want to make date for day?”
Natasha rubbed her thighs together. A day with just the two of them? Of course she wanted to, but what should she wear? Should she wear something good for cooking in? No, that wouldn’t do, she needed something sexy. What about that strapless dress with the stripes? It might match with his tracksuit… But wait, what if he just ripped it right off her and bent her over the counter while they were waiting for things to cook? Oh, what an uncouth man… not that she minded, really, but-
She stared off into the distance, paying no attention to the world outside. “Eh, dead lady?”
Cheslav paused, then laughed. He leaned in, getting close to the wight’s ear and whispering to her.
“Eeeh, do you like the sexual intercourses?”
Her eyes flew back open. “W-what!?”
“Do you like the sexual intercourses?”
Everything went dark as she fainted, falling out of her seat.
“…Oi, blin, actually worked! Marshall, look, bam! She is wet! See how she is of sliding off chair?”
Marshall dropped his fork in confusion. “What in tarnation?”
Natasha came to in Cheslav’s arms at the front door, blushing when she realised what she had done.
“U-uh, put me down, I can pay… I am nobility after all.”
“No, no, Natasha, man should pay for date, is what learn from Eastern European Men’s School.”
“A-are you sure? This restaurant is pretty-”
The wight’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates when Cheslav pulled a gold bar from the pocket of his tracksuit and laid it on the desk in front of the cashier.
“Will be enough for tip? Have one more if-”
“NO! I mean, u-uh, well… T-that’s okay?!” The flustered staff member stuttered out.
“Ah, of thankings for good caviar blini again. Will see next time.”
Walking outside, Natasha held on to Cheslav’s manlet arm, needing to lean down a bit to be comfortable. “S-so, that was a nice night out… Did you want to-”
An old lady hobbled out from behind them, leaning heavily on a cane and smiling brightly.
“Oh, Cheslav, finally found lady!”
Natasha stopped. Was this Cheslav’s grandmother or something? She had to make a good impression, then! Nobility!
“It’s lovely to meet you, mada-”
The wight was interrupted by the woman pinching her cheeks, feeling her dress and running her fingers through Natasha’s hair before nodding and continuing.
“And noble lady too! Cheslav, treat lady right, not like stupid Misha. Give flowers!”
“Da, babushka, will-”
“And good ring! Not cover in cosmoline!”
“I’m honoured you think-”
“But Cheslav, is so thin! Take food, made enough blini and syrniki for take home! BOYS!”
“B-babushka, do not need-”
“Nyet, nyet, will need energy for tonight!”
“W-what? Will we? I-I mean, that’s awfully…” Natasha stuttered, unsure of what to say.
“Am so old, Cheslav, make sure babushka can see more babies before death!”
“B-babushka, do not think-”
“Oooh, feel faint already… Maybe can only make nine more month…”
The couple panicked, looking at each other in horror. Babushka recovered quickly, shouting at some young men, who loaded several wooden crates onto Cheslav’s truck. Again.
“Cheslav, is easy! Just remember in and out! Is like talk about bears and caves. Just go inside, but no hibernate!”
Natasha made a loud thump as she hit the ground, having fainted again.
“Oi, Cheslav, is perfect time! Just talk about, and bam! She is wet!”
Two days had passed, the raiders stood before the jinko dojo, the tall building looming menacingly over them. Church lowered his binoculars, then fixed the pith helmet on top of his head.
“Here we are boys, the jinkos. The strength of the amazon combined with the kung-fu skill of the hinezumi. We might not be making it out alive.”
“Church, come on. We ain’t gonna die on campus. Though, I would be lyin’ if I said I wasn’t worried about my pelvis…” Marshall trailed off, trying to scratch his head before realizing his plate armour was blocking it.
“You’ve got armour for that, Marshall. I’m not worried about you.”
“Course you ain’t.”
“Let’s climb in through the window, the door would be too noisy and obvious.”
“Thanks fer the tip, Cap’n Obvious.”
“Anytime, Lieutenant Hillbilly.”
Cheslav opened the window, pushing Marshall in.
“Alright Marshall, you start making noise while Chap and I make our move.” Church said as he shut the window behind him.
Marshall just lied there, body in a heap. He didn’t feel like moving, the more he moved, the sooner he would give away his position and the sooner he would inevitably get the shit kicked out of him. Maybe if he just kept still the entire time, they would mistake him as a pile of junk and ignore him? It was worth a shot.
He heard footsteps approach his location, and did his best impression of an unoccupied suit of armour.
“Hey Narjala, was that loud clunky noise you? I didn’t see… Ooooh, what’s this?”
He heard the footsteps get closer, then stop. He quietly wondered if she lost interest, but that glimmer of hope was dashed when he felt himself being picked up by the back plate.
“Boy this is heavy. HEY GIRLS, NARJALA GOT A NEW SUIT OF armour!” She called, causing Marshall to subtly quake in the suit.
‘No, no, no, no…’ He thought.
“A suit of armour? That’s weird… Where is Narjala anyway?”
“I dunno, could be in the bathroom or something.”
“Hey, hey, let’s pull a prank on her by doing something to this thing!”
“Haha, great idea! B-but what are we gonna do?”
“Oh geez, that’s a good question…” There was a short pause before one of the jinkos spoke up.
“Wait, I’ve got it! Let’s pose it on her bed, seductively~”
“That’s stupid, let’s do it!”
Marshall felt himself being dragged along the floor, then swung onto something springy. He had to admit, it was terrifying how easily they were slinging his weight around. It made him all the more resolved to put up this ‘lifeless suit of armour’ act for as long as he could. They adjusted him to a ‘paint me like one of your french knights’ pose before quickly running out of the room.
Now alone, Marshall let out a sigh of relief. He really had to control his breathing in order to fool them into thinking he was an empty suit, had they been a weaker species, he had a feeling the jig would’ve been up much sooner. The peace didn’t last long, as he started to hear more footsteps approaching the door. He suppressed his breathing again, anticipating her to enter the room.
Narjala wasn’t expecting any packages today, when her friends said something about the ‘armour suit’ she apparently had in her room, she was immediately suspicious. Peering her head around the corner into her room, she saw the suit posed on her bed.
“The hell…” She mumbled to herself, creeping into her room and standing in front of the suit. She flicked her ears, listening in closely…
…Breathing, soft, faint, but definitely there.
She leaned in, squinting her eyes, then flicked up the visor on the helmet, revealing Marshall’s visage.
“O-oh, uh… howdy miss Narjala!”
Narjala clicked her tongue. “Howdy yourself.”
“N-now, I know this looks bad, but it’s not what it looks li-”
“You’re looking for your stolen underwear, aren’t you? Maybe nab some panties while you’re at it?”
“I think it’s exactly what it looks like.”
“W-well ya see, I don’t-”
“How did you get my name, that’s what I really want to know. If you tell me that, I’ll tell you anything~”
“We learned it from our uh… network of spies!”
“Oh come now, we both know that’s bullshit.” Narjala drummed her fingers on Marshall’s armour impatiently.
“Come on, I’m happy to hold up my end of the bargain if you just-”
“NARJALA THERE’S THIS NAKED GOPNIK SQUATTING IN OUR KITCHEN COVERING HIMSELF IN THIS BLACK STUFF AND WE CAN’T CATCH HIM!” A jinko pleaded from outside the room.
“Naked!? I gotta see this.” Narjala tossed Marshall unceremoniously on the floor, scrambling out of the room.
After normalizing his heart rate, Marshall finally peeled himself from the floor. ‘They must be talkin’ bout Cheslav, but what is that cowpoke doin?’” He thought to himself. ‘Better go help ‘im out, I’m not that heartless.’
Meanwhile, Cheslav had finished covering the last of himself in cosmoline. He was invulnerable, nobody could catch a greased up russian, not even a venus flytrap alraune.
“Corner ‘im, he can’t dodge all of us at once!” One of the jinkos shouted. The others formed a half circle around him, slowly closing in. Cheslav was running out of options, and just when they all converged on him at once, he dove between their legs and narrowly slipped out of capture.
“Haha! Will never be of catchings me, for I am COSMOLINE MAN!” Cheslav boasted, manhood in full view and sporting a solid half chub from pride.
“It’s no use, he’s too slippery and small! We can’t hope to catch him!”
Just then, Narjala entered the room, seeing the Cosmoline Man himself.
‘Good grief, this slippery-slidey son of a fuck.’ Narjala thought to herself. She scratched her head, catching him wouldn’t be easy. She would need to strategize, come up with a plan-
“Y’all weren’t starting the party without me, were ya?” Said a familiar voice. Oh great, it was that… damn cowboy.
“This isn’t a party, goddammit! You’re both getting out of our dorms, now!” Snapped Narjala, her claws on full display.
“I dunno, I don’t mind them staying.” Said one of the other jinkos, eyeing Cheslav’s body hungrily.
“Come on girls, you’re really going to just let these two guys waltz in unannounced? What if we were… I dunno, changing or some shit?”
“We barely wear clothes anyway.”
Narjala’s eye twitched. “Well… if they’re so fun then why don’t we catch them, at least!?”
“I call the knight!” one of the bigger jinkos blurted, before tackling Marshall to the ground.
“I call the greasy sausage!” Another jinko shouted as she made another dive for Cheslav.
As each of the jinkos picked a man to ‘play with,’ Narjala felt her head swell with rage.They didn’t realize why they were here, or why they should care. Narjala’s blood boiled at the thought of having her underwear stolen, but she suspected her colleagues were either indifferent or enthusiastic at the prospect with how they were treating two intruders.
“Ow! Hey, Cut it- Aaagh seriously!?” Marshall whined as the jinkos shoved him back and forth like an unwanted dance partner.
Marshall wasn’t sure why he was letting the jinkos just toss him around like a cat toy, though realistically it was because they didn’t seem to want to harm him. However, he wasn’t a fan of their roughness.
‘Welp, guess there ain’t anything for it.’
“So, uh, -ow- you ladies gonna just roll me around for the rest of the night, or…?”
“What, were you hoping for rape? We’re not going to be any more gentle, you know…” The jinko licked her lips menacingly.
“Y-y’know, I think I’m good, actually. I-I was hopin’ to get my underwear and get outta here as fast as I can.”
“Your what?” The kicking stopped, the girl above him cocking her head.
“Yeah, I guess Narjala got into some thing with a bunch of other girls and stole me and my friend’s underwear.”
“The fuck? Really?”
There was muttering amongst the jinkos around Marshall, mostly about their distaste for their comrade’s stealing instead of fighting.
“Y’know, she has been acting all weird since she started hanging around that fuckin’ alp… Ash or whatever her name was.” She paused, scratching her chin for a moment before she continued. “You know what? Get your shit and fuck off, armour boy. We’re gonna have a chat with her. ‘EY, ‘JALA!”
Narjala looked up to see a few of her friends walking over to her while Marshall power walked in the direction Church had gone. “What the fuck!? Don’t let him run!”
“He doesn’t matter. We got to talking and we agreed you’re acting all funny ever since you started hangin’ out with that weirdo Ash.”
Narjala’s face blanched at the news. “You told him about Ash!?”
“Stop fuckin’ tryin’ to dodge it! He told us you were stealing underwear and shit!”
“Hey, fuck you! You don’t know what I’m doing and you’re trying to tell me what I should do? I don’t even have them and now you’re letting some frat boy walk around like he owns the place?”
The two jinkos’ arguing was interrupted by the group trying to catch Cheslav shouting at them. “You guys wanna shut up and help catch this greasy piece of dick instead of bitchin’ at each other?”
“I’m not- Damn it, we’re at least questioning him first!” Narjala shouted, making a leaping grab at Cheslav, who was hopping around, taunting the other girls.
Her face turned to horror as she realised what she had grabbed, Cheslav’s greasy dick sliding out of her outstretched paw. “AAH, SHIT! I GOT HIS DICK-GREASE ON MY HAND!” Narjala yelled, shaking the affected limb wildly.
“C-can I lick it?” A starry-eyed jinko asked, edging closer.
“What?! No! We have to cat-” Looking over, she saw the man flip out of the window stark-naked, escaping in the confusion. “God damn it!”
Church fell through the window, flat onto his face, after a great deal of effort. Standing, he righted his pith helmet and scanned the room.
“Ah, too easy, girls. Well-”
Church nearly walked straight into a jinko a full head shorter than he was, scoffing when he noticed her.
“Hmm? Oh, move out of the way, would you? I have work to do.”
“And who the FUCK do you think you are? You with that greased retard out in the hall?”
“Look, kitty, you can either move or get the spray bottle.” he said, pulling out a bottle labelled Kat Kontroller.
The small tiger slapped it out of his hand as soon as it was levelled at her, snarling. “Are you looking for a fucking fight, bitch boy?”
“Oh, honestly. It’d hardly be fair, would it?” He patted her head condescendingly.
“Are you calling me short, asshole?” She nearly shouted, shoving Church.
“If you’re that caught up on being disgraced, I suppose I could oblige you.” He grinned smugly. “We traditionally leave the hunting to the locals, but it won’t be the first time an Englishman takes care of an oversized, stripy c-”
Church’s fighting stance lasted all of a second before he was punched squarely in the jaw and stumbled back into the wall. “GOOD FUCK! Guh… damn it all. Look, you might’ve caught me on the wrong foot, but it won’t hap-”
He was interrupted by all the air being pushed out of his lungs as he collapsed into a pile, winded from the quick punch the jinko had delivered to his stomach.
“HHUUUEEEEEEEGH!” Church wheezed on the ground. “W-what the bloody…”
“Come again?” The jinko cracked her knuckles.
“Augh… n-not giving… up that… easily…” Church reached forward, grabbed his cane, and started to pry himself up. Right when he had his cane steady and was starting to pull himself up with it, she kicked it out from under him.
“Ffffuuhuhuck!” Church fell back onto his face, the wind still knocked out of him.
The short jinko leaned down, her nose almost touching his. “… Give up yet?”
“N-no! N-never! Just gotta…” Church tried to get up again, but felt a great weight press upon his chest as the jinko sat on top of him.
“Now, what to do with you…” She pondered.
“The only option for you is to let me g- OW!” Church was interrupted as she slapped him across the face.
“You really think I’m going to just let you go at this point? Wow, you’re stupider than I gave you credit for.” She traced a finger around his chest, causing him to sweat. Now, he realized, would be a good time for Marshall or Chap to pull through and rescue him.
“W-well, you may have me pinned down in a tight spot, but you certainly won’t be able to pin down my greatest asset, MARSHALL!” Church pointed dramatically towards the doorway, yet nobody appeared to the rescue.
“…You think I’m stupid? I know that you’re just trying to stall the inevitable. If you keep still, maybe I won’t break your fucking legs. Maybe.” The jinko, running out of patience, started to peel his shirt off.
“C-Chap? M-Marshall? Now would be a good time for you to come in, haha!” Church belted, nearing desperation.
“Face it, dipshit. Your friends aren’t coming to rescue you, and besides, this isn’t the worst fate you cou-”
“MARSHALL, YOU TWAT! GET THE HELL IN HERE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!”
“…Oh I see, you’re just clueless. Look, I’m not going to eat you, I’m going to have sex with you.” The jinko folded her arms, tail twitching impatiently behind her.
“I know that, you dense cat! That’s precisely the problem!”
“Wha? You can’t be serious. What kind of man doesn’t think a girl sitting on top of him and taking his clothes off is a dream come true? Unless…”
Suddenly, a sense of dread filled Church, as if he knew where this was going.
“You aren’t… playing for the other team, are you?” She adjusted her position on top of him, so she wasn’t sitting on his chest.
Great, his allies weren’t coming to his aid, so he had two options; either go with it, or risk having his well-guarded virginity taken away.
“Errrr, y-yes. I am indeed… gay.” He almost choked on his own bile, forcing himself to say something like that.
“O-oh, well…” She twiddled her fingers, then slid off of him. “I may be hungry for cock, but I have standards. I won’t touch you if you’re n-not interested. Say, that guy you were calling for earlier, Marshall, is he…” She made a vulgar gesture with her hands for several seconds, trying to accurately portray what she envisioned ‘gay sex’ to be like.
Church held in a gag, but knew he had to sell this. “Err, yes! Indeed, him and I are all that… a-and such.”
“Wooow, I never met a gay person before! Is it true you-”
Suddenly, the door clicked open, and Marshall peered his head in.
“Oh, hi Marshall!” The jinko waved cordially at him.
Marshall, unsure why this jinko knew his name, was caught off guard. “Uhhh… howdy?” He glanced briefly at Church for help. Church, in turn, waved his hands in desperation.
“Oh Marshall, darling, you’ve come! I was just through telling off this… harlot that I prefer the company of men, that is, I am… a hopeless homosexual. As are you.”
Marshall barely stifled a chuckle. “Yeah, I’ll say. You really hate them women.”
“Oh from the bottom of my heart, I truly do. Unfortunately, she seems to have incapacitated me, and I cannot leave by myself. Would you be such a good…” He swallowed a gag. “…boyfriend and carry me out?”
Marshall shrugged, guess this was the plan. “Of course… darlin,’ I’d be happy to. Didja get what you came here for?” To sell the ‘gay’ act a little more, Marshall placed his hands on his hips with his thumbs facing forward.
“Uuuuhhh, I didn’t, actually. You see, I was in-”
“You wanted to steal my panties for your lover? How come?”
“B-because…” Church racked his brain for an answer.
“S-so he could wear it of course! My little crumpet loves to wear ladies underwear.” Marshall stammered, proud of his idea.
“What? My dear Marshall, I believe all that long island iced tea has gone to your head! You’re the one that likes to wear the underwear, not me!” Church shot back, a bead of sweat running down his forehead.
“Now now, no need to be so embarrassed. I think you look great in ladies underwear.”
“Oh no, no, these would be far too big on me anyway. You should be the one to wear them, Marshmallow.”
The jinko crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow. “Hey, hold on a second. You guys aren’t trying to pull a fast one, are you?”
“Pfft, the only fast one here is Marshall.”
“The hell are you imply-”
“Alright, both of you!” The jinko stomped her foot, causing both of them to stop arguing and pay attention to her. “I’m not sure I believe you guys are a couple anymore. However…” She smirks, holding up a pair of panties. “I’ll give you these if you two can prove your devotion to one another. I want you two… to kiss.”
An eerie silence fell across the room. Church turned towards Marshall, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. Marshall exhaled deeply, holding back his own nervousness.
“Well, might as well get this over with.” Marshall whispered, slowly leaning towards Church.
Church gulped, cold sweat running down his face as he too, inched closer towards Marshall. Was it really worth it? Pretending to be gay in order to prevent himself from getting raped and acquiring the stupid cat’s panties? The closer to Marshall’s lips he got, the better snu-snu from an angry womanlet tiger was starting to sound. He could smell Marshall’s breath now, it smelled awful, like wheaties, tobacco and… iced tea.
Church couldn’t take it anymore, he gagged, turned his head to the side, and threw up all over the jinko’s floor.
Another moment of silence passed, both parties assessed the situation before Marshall spoke first.
“Uh… oh no! That doggone spotted dick must’ve been expired! Quick, get him a towel!”
“I’m so sorry! I had no idea one of you was sick! I-I’ll be right back!”
As soon as she left the room, Marshall rushed towards her dresser, threw open the top drawer, and stuffed a few pairs of panties inside his pocket.
“C’mon, she’ll be back soon. Let’s get the hell outta dodge.”
“Uuuugh, d-don’t touch me… you were going to… do it, weren’t you?” Church mumbled, being slung over Marshall’s armour-plated shoulder.
“Calm down, partner, I wasn’t happy about the circumstance either… but if you were fixin’ to commit to it, I was gonna do it too.”
“S-shut up, I eeuuueeghh…” Church suppressed a gag, then smacked his lips. “I could smell your breath, you cretin. How often do you brush your goddamn teeth?”
“I brushed this mornin,’ though I did smoke that cigar…”
“God. No wonder your breath was so foul. Did you at least grab any goods?”
“Yeah, in my back pocket. Now don’t fidget around, I’m gonna climb out the window.” Marshall whispered, sliding open the window before creeping out, taking care not to make too much noise. He kept Church secure on his shoulder, then once they were free, he made a break for the clubhouse. For a moment, he wondered if Cheslav made it out okay, but some cosmoline tracks leading away from the dorm quelled Marshall’s worries. Looks like Cheslav made it out first.
Halfway through the trek back to the clubhouse, Church came to his senses and insisted he could make it back on his own. When they finally arrived, they found only Prudence there to greet them.
“O-oh, welcome back guys! Was… it a success?”
Marshall smirked, pulling out several pairs of cheetah print panties.
“Ugh, really? Animal print? These trashy cats have no class.” Church snatched one of the pairs out of Marshall’s hand, then hobbled over to the drawer with all the frames. Taking out a fresh frame, he carefully inserted the panties and hung them in the ‘J’ section.
“Church, ya wouldn’t know class if it raped you.” Marshall grumbled.
“Oh? I don’t think you know who you’re talking to, Marshall. I exhale class.”
“Pff, nobody with half an ounce of class would talk shit about long island iced tea.”
“Long island iced tea is for fairies, and I’m not talking about the kind with wings. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you actually wanted to kiss me back there.”
Marshall rubbed his temples. “Church, I ain’t gay. I was just going along with the plan you set up. It’s your fault I even had t’act gay in the first place.”
“I had my back against the wall, there was no other way. Besides, I didn’t think she would… actually ask us to… kiss.”
“Well we ended up escapin’ without having to do that anyway, so if ya ask me, everything turned out peachy keen.” Marshall reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar.
“Christ, you kept that in your pocket this whole time?”
“I was hopin’ to find an opportunity to finish smoking it today, now’s as good of a time as any.”
Church pulled a silver box from his jacket pocket, opening it up and taking a pinch of the brown dust inside. “Well I would prefer if you did so outside so you don’t stink up the entire room. Besides…” He snorted the powder off his finger. “That stuff is terrible for you, anyway.”
Prudence, realizing she forgot to ask Church something, started to creep towards the door. Their conversation was very interesting, to say the least. She was going to have to tell Saria what happened. “Hey, M-master, can I… leave the clubhouse early and hang out with Saria? We talked about having a sleepover tonight and I haven’t had one of those since-”
“That’s fine, Marshall and I will probably be staying here the night, but be here tomorrow by nine.”
“O-of course Master, thank you so much!” Prudence bowed, then headed out for the night.