It was a quiet afternoon, some of the students were walking to and from their afternoon classes and amidst the crowd of students were the trio of panty thieves.
“Alright, it’s 5:50. We can reasonably expect a majority of the elves to be asleep at this time. Chap, the binoculars.”
“Da, right here comrade.” Cheslav pulled out a pair of what he had described as ‘X-ray’ binoculars and handed them to Church. It seemed the elves were more active than they anticipated, a large number sitting in a circle on the lower floor.
‘Probably singing a bloody kumbaya song or something.’ Church thought to himself. By his estimates, there were approximately fifty elves total. Aside from the human dormitory, it was the largest one.
“Alright, slight change of plans.” Church handed the binoculars back to Cheslav. “Chap, take Lady Lifts-a-Lot and station her on the northeast corner of the building. Marshall and I will go to the northwest corner for our entry. We enter through the second story window, I didn’t see any elves there.
“Wait, second story? How do you reckon we get up there without alerting the elves?”
“It’s simple, Marshall. I hold onto your back and you use your loutish strength to scale the wall. The little tree huggers have ivy running up the entire thing, so you won’t have any shortage of places to grab.”
“You might be overestimating my abilities a bit, partner.”
“You’d better pray I’m not, because you climbing that wall is our only ticket in.”
“Hope I still got it, then.” Marshall muttered, remembering his days on the military obstacle training course.
“Very well, let’s hop into action then. Chop chop!” He snapped his fingers, Cheslav ran with his arms behind his back off to where Lady Lifts-a-Lot was being held, while Church and Marshall bumbled their way behind the elf dormitory to the northwest side.
“You see that window right there, Marshall? That’s where you’re going to climb. And for God’s sake, do try to be quiet. I don’t want them to catch us with our trousers around our ankles.”
“I’ll do my best, partner.” Marshall cracked his neck, then his knuckles. “Don’t suffocate me when you’re hanging off my back.”
“I too will do my best, partner.” He wrapped his arms around Marshall’s shoulders. “Now, do your magic.”
Marshall sighed, approaching the ivy wall and grabbing the vines. They were thicker than normal ivy- likely to be some species native to their homeworld. Feeling somewhat more confident, he began to pull their combined weight up the wall. It was less trouble to pull both of their weights than he had thought, but as he got closer and closer their destination, he began to realize just how high off the ground he was, and the confidence in his grip faltered.
“Don’t fail me now, Marshall! We’re less than ten feet away from that window.”
“I-I’m tryin, it’s hard to concentrate knowing I’m one misstep away from certain death.”
“Tighten your grip, lad. Pretend the ivy are all ‘gubbamint officials’ trying to take away your guns.” He mocked.
“You can pry them from my cold!” He grabbed a handful of ivy and pulled up, bringing them several feet closer to the window. “Dead!” Another handful of ivy brought them just above the windowsill. “Hands!” He grabbed the edge, pulling himself up while simultaneously sliding the window up and pulling them inside the bathroom.
“Drat, it’s not a bedroom. Oh well, jolly good work Marshall. Let’s get to work, we don’t have much time until the bloody hippies hear us.” He hobbles out of the bathroom, searching for an empty bedroom.
As the two of them quietly snuck down the hallway, Church noticed in one of the open rooms there was an elf, nose deep in an old-looking book. He pulled Marshall to the side just out of her view.
“Bloody hell, do you think she saw us?” Church whispered, peeking around the corner. The elf was still quietly reading, it looked like the cover said “Rape Fantasies Vol. 23” or something. Her eyes drifted from her book to Church’s face, then back to her book, then snapped back to Church’s face.
“Shit, we’re too late. Marshall, subdue her!” He ordered.
“On it, partner.” Finally, a monster that he had a chance to actually restrain. He approached the elf as quickly as he could while still treading lightly, the elf looking around the room nervously. “S-subdue? O-oh my!” Thinking quickly, she took off her reading glasses, stood up and dropped them on the floor, bending over to pick them up. “I dropped my glasses, I can’t see anything without them. Ooooh, dear, If a big, burly man were to subdue all my holes, there wouldn’t be a thing I could do to stop him!”
Marshall almost stopped advancing, instead stopping in front of her, and picking up the glasses for her. “St-stop that.” He said, handing them over.
“Alright, I’m off to find a bedroom. You make sure she doesn’t alert the others by any means necessary.” Church gave Marshall a salute with his cane and continued down the hall.
Whelp, there Marshall was, in another awkward situation where he was alone with one of the girls. He held her shoulders firmly, but he wasn’t making any effort to restrain her otherwise. She just kind of stood there in front of him. She looked up and played with her hair.
“Sooooo… any means necessary huh?”
“Waaait a minute, before you get any ideas-”
“I’m just going to point out that I can’t tell anybody if you put something in my mouth~” She rubbed the back of her calf with her foot.
“Lord almighty, lady. I ain’t gonna rape ya. I’m not that kinda guy.”
She pursed her lips. “You’re not? But after aaaall that work to infiltrate my dorm and successfully catch me off guard, shouldn’t the winner take his spoils?”
“Look lady.” He pulled out a notecard and pen from his pockets. “You seem real nice and all, but I am not doing this here, where my friend is literally right down the hall. Here, you can have my number. We can go to a nice restaurant, maybe see a movie or somethin, but I don’t… rape women that I’ve only just met.”
“Wellll…” She considered his offer, then stood on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “What if I were to alert all the elves in the dorm right now, unless you… made an exception?” She grinned, smugly walking her fingers up his chest.
‘Oh for the love of pete.’ Marshall thought, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. ‘Think Marshall, think! You’ve gotten out of situations like this before.’ After furiously racking his brain for a solution, he noticed the rape fantasy book on the floor.
“H-how much do you like bondage, miss?” He stammered.
Her ears perked up. “Bondage? You mean like with ropes and stuff?”
“The one and only! You happen to be talking to a full blooded Texan!” He placed his hands on his belt proudly.
“Oooh! So you can use rope and stuff!”
“Correctamundo! But ya see, I left my rope back at the uh… my ranch! Yeah, my ranch. If you can stay here, completely silent, I’ll come back and show you how to hogtie a lady properlike.”
Her eyes were practically glowing with excitement. “Aww yeah! You got it Mr. Cowboy sir! Where do you want me?”
“Go inside that closet, and don’t you move from that there spot until I come back y’hear?” He said, pointing to the aforementioned closet and thanking his lucky stars that she was this gullible.
The elf nodded vigorously and quickly hid herself in the closet, giving him a conspiratorial thumbs up. He gave her a half-assed thumbs up in return before exiting the room.
‘Wow, I can NOT believe that worked.’ Marshall blew out a gentle sigh of relief and headed down the direction he saw Church go.
Meanwhile, Church had his own problems to deal with. He found an empty bedroom at the end of the hallway, but it was less empty than he had thought. After he had filled the backpack with precious cargo, a wood elf jumped out of the closet, bow in hand. She drew back a rubber arrow, fired, and it connected with his forehead.
“Ow! Damn you!” He picked up his cane and limped toward the elf, thrashing it wildly. “Let’s see how you like dealing with a practitioner of the gentlemen’s martial art: La canne!”
“La what now?” She asked before jumping back to avoid his cane connecting with her face. “Ah! Hey cut it out! Get back!” She tried to keep her distance from the madman, occasionally firing an arrow blindly in his direction. Neither of them were landing any hits on each other, and that’s when Marshall appeared in front of the doorway.
“Ah, about time you showed up, Marshall. I’ve got this hippie under control. You take the goods out to Lady Lifts-a-Lot.” He stopped chasing her momentarily to throw Marshall the backpack.
“A-alright, you got it partner.” Marshall caught the bag and turned to face the window at the far end of the hall, but blocking his way were about ten elves or so. All of them with deep frowns.
“Son of a bitch.”
“There he is, grab him!” One of the elves shouted, the rest of them charged Marshall, closing distance fast.
‘Great, how am I going to get past them? There’s just so many.’ Marshall panicked, it didn’t look like there was much hope of escape, but at the end of the hall he could see Cheslav waiting at the window with Lady Lifts-a-Lot.
‘Well, it’s a long shot, but I just might be able to charge right through them assuming they ain’t more than a hundred pounds or so each.’ He thought, taking a linebacker position that hearkened back to his days playing high school football.
“Right. Here goes nothin’.” He kicked off with his right leg as hard as he could, barreling into the mass of elves and knocking them over like bowling pins. After he turned around to survey the damage, he saw the elves lying in a heap. He had knocked the wind out of all of them.
“Are… are y’all okay?” He was about to check the pulse of the nearest elf when Church barrelled out of the room, the wood elf chasing him and firing an arrow that whizzed past his head.
“Dammit Marshall, no time to give these savages any sympathy, it’s time to go! Chap is waiting for us.”
“Alright, alright. I’m comin’ already!” Marshall started to pick up the pace again, but while Church was somehow able to pass him, the wood elf was gaining on Marshall.
“Throw open the window, Chap!” Church called.
Cheslav opened the window and got ready to grab the arms of whoever came out first, and help them onto Lady Lifts-a-Lot.
“Aaaaaaarrrrggghhh!” Church threw himself out of the window, Cheslav caught him and pulled him onto Lady Lifts-a-Lot with all his might.
Marshall was barely able to stay ahead of the elf, and when he threw himself out of the window and grabbed ahold of the edge of Lady Lifts-a-Lot, the elf nearly got ahold of his shirt collar.
“Haha, let’s get out of here, boys!” Church laughed triumphantly, pumping more gas onto their getaway hot air balloon, Lady Lifts-a-lot. All the wood elf could do was helplessly watch as three men made off with her panties.
“See you later, you knife-eared tart!” Church taunted, laughing as they slowly inched higher and higher in the sky.
The wood elf pulled back her bow and fired at them, the rubber arrow hitting Marshall in the rear.
“Ow! What in tarnation!?”
“Better luck next time!” Church continued to taunt the elf, while the elf shot arrows unceasingly at Marshall, being the most accessible target.
“Hey, stop that damn you! Ow! Fuck! Can’t you hurry it along any faster, Cheslav?”
“Nyet comrade!” He shouted from above.
Several minutes passed, Marshall was still getting shot at by the wood elf with troubling accuracy and Church was still taunting the elf.
“Should have been quicker, you…er- bloody… hippie!” He said, though with much less bravado and enthusiasm than before.
After a few more minutes, the wood elf had run out of arrows, and just stared at them, both bored and irritated that they were still this close to her. So close, yet she couldn’t reach them.
“Alright, this is taking too long.” Church conceded. “Chap, throw the rest of the sandbags down.”
“Say what!?” Marshall shouted as Cheslav threw some additional sandbags over the edge of the balloon. Within minutes, they were well on the way back to base.
Landing near their base, the trio stepped out of the balloon basket to find Prudence standing by to receive them.
“A-are all of you alright? There were a lot of-”
“Ah, Prudence, excellent timing. Be a dear and fold up Lady Lifts-a-lot’s balloon, would you? She’s delicate, so I won’t be having her sit outside.” Church said, cutting the kikimora off.
“…Yes, master, of course. In the shed again?”
“Damn it all, woman, you know it’s a hangar.”
“Pardon me, master! Maybe you could punish me for… my… oh.”
Halfway through her sentence, Church walked off, beckoning the other men to follow behind him.
Prudence sighed deeply, wishing her master knew how uncomfortable she felt about leaving his side. He could do whatever he wanted, shout at her, throw things… Even if he splashed a pot of tea she’d made wrong back into her face… And then her clothes would get all wet, and he could see through them, and maybe he’d bend her over the table, calling her a bad maid, and…
Prudence shook her head, trying to focus on the gargantuan task ahead of her. The entire balloon took nearly forever to fold up, though she’d been getting faster, what with Master Church asking her to fold it up so often. Maybe he was just testing her, making sure she was loyal and loved him…
And of course she did, how could she not? So handsome, his wonderful accent and he was just the perfect kind of classic master of the house, making sure she knew her place as his maid and nobody else’s. She didn’t want him to hit her, exactly, but there was something exciting about the way he told her to clean the floor when she dropped something, so firm and manly…
“Dammit, what absolutely shite taste!” Church curses, throwing pair after pair of plain, striped, and otherwise mundane panties out of the backpack and onto the floor. “All this work and not a single pair of panties worth keeping?”
“What about these?” Marshall pulled out a pair of tie-dye panties with floral markings on them.
“HA! I KNEW IT! THOSE TREE-FUCKING HIPPIES! ALL OF THEM LOVE THIS SHIT! Chap! Fetch me a frame!”
Cheslav opened the drawer and handed Church a fresh picture frame.
Taking the freshly-framed pair of underwear to the wall, Church walks down the line, looking for their place.
“Elves. E. E… E… L… K- wait. Kikimora? When did we…?”
Toward the back of the room, a bead of sweat rolled down Prudence’s cheek. Was he going to notice? Would he like them? It was her best pair, after all, the black ones with the frilly white-
“Ah, must’ve been that Friday we all had a bit too much to drink after the apsara raid. Two in one night, boys! We ought to do it again.”
Prudence’s ears drooped.
“Really? I don’t recall hitting the kikis either, and I reckon I was relatively sober that night.”
Prudence’s ears perked up again, her tail wagging behind her.
“What are you talking about you fool, you were most certainly hammered as the rest of us. You called Chap over there a little cowpoke and tried to brand him with the butt of your cigar.”
“Still hurts.” Cheslav complained.
Her ears drooped once more.
“Gentlemen.” Church turned his back to the table. “We’ve proven ourselves to be at least moderately competent panty raiders. I think it’s time we turned our attention to the less helpless dormitories. Our group is gaining notoriety, but we’re more of a passing rumor than a known threat. We need to strike a dorm that will send an unmistakable message that we are not to be taken lightly. We are not hitting a suicide dorm, just one that holds more risks than the ones we’ve done previously.”
Cheslav raised his hand.
“NO, we aren’t doing the alps.”
Cheslav lowered his hand.
“I’ve got a plan for a higher-value raid- a plan and our wits will get us through. The hinezumi.”
“Ain’t those them kung-fu fire mice? Shit, I don’t wanna have to fight ‘em.”
“Oh, there’ll be no need for that. With… THESE!”
Church dumps out a nearby bag, a number of water-guns and packages of balloons spilling out.
“Now then, pardner, take these.” Handing Marshall two small water pistols. “I believe you’ll find these to be familiar, you brutish cowboy.”
Church takes out a super soaker shotgun and slings it around his back. “This will be my weapon, since I’m the tactical commander of this operation.”
Church takes out another gun, with a pump that fired a continuous stream of water and handed it to Cheslav. “Chap, I trust you to be effective with this weapon. Do not fail me.”
“Da, enemy will not know what hit them.” He cocks the squirt gun, which was empty at the time so it expelled a puff of air.
“Prudence!” Church called out.
In an instant, Prudence was at his side. “Yes master?”
He handed her a glass of water. “Here you are, if one of them gets too close for comfort, splash them with this.”
‘He’s actually including me!’ Prudence thought, a goofy smile plastered on her face. “Thank you master! How else may I be of service?”
“Well, since you did soooo well on the angel mission…” He paced back and forth, pondering what task would best suit her. “…you can carry the extra water.”
“We will strike Friday morning, they always train in their dojo from five to seven AM. They will all be in the dojo, and so as long as we steer clear of that room we will be golden. The water is just a contingency plan in case one of them is skipping out, or going to the bathroom.”
“Friday morning at five, got it.” Marshall said.
“Da, I come.”
With that, the meeting was adjourned.