Chapter 13: When were you when panties was steal?
“♪♪♪EEEVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A MAID! SOMEONE WHO’S EFFICIENT AND RELIABLE! OBEDIENT AND PLIABLE! AND QUIET AS A MOUSE!♪♪♪”
He bloody well wished she’d be as quiet as a mouse. It was…
Church glared at the grandfather clock across the room. 3:30 in the morning. Lovely.
“♪♪♪OH! OH! WOULDN’T I BE DELIGHTFUL? CLEANING UP! LEANING DOWN! EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A MAID!♪♪♪”
He could only hope she wasn’t trying to flash him her underwear in the middle of the dorm lawn. Again.
“♪♪♪WRIGGLING IN YOUR BEDROOM! JIGGLING ON THE COUNTER! GIGGLING IN YOUR BEDSHEETS! PLAYING IN THE OTHER ROOMS!♪♪♪”
She wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, was she? Church dragged himself from his warm bed, stumbling to the window in a haze.
The kikimora perked up at his call, holding the boombox playing the music she had been singing to a little higher. “I-I’m here, Master!”
“I and the rest of the whole damned block knows that, you dolt! What is it?!”
“W-well, I… I just thought I could visit you!”
“And you thought that harassing the entire neighbourhood in the middle of the sodding night was the way to do it?”
Prudence looked sheepish for a moment, staring at her shoes. “…C-can I come in?”
“Will it bloody shut you up?”
He half-glared, half-squinted at her in the dark, his eyes still not used to the light.
“…The door will be unlocked.”
Prudence bit her lip nervously, pushing open the door to Master’s dorm room and skittering inside. She delicately placed her radio on the flattest available surface, which happened to be between a stack of Gentleman’s Monthly magazines and a teapot with half a cup of tea and leaves still left in it. Master’s room had always been… well… he certainly did need his maid more often. She wished he would let her do more than just his laundry now and then, but…
She crept further into the dark apartment, stepping over and around the papers, antiques, replicas and assorted pieces of extraneous furniture that were strewn everywhere. She eventually found Church laying on his bed behind a teetering pile of books.
“U-um… I’m here now, Master…”
A sour expression crossed his face, but he didn’t get up, putting an arm over his eyes. “Well don’t say it like I’m the one who asked to have a chat at this bloody hour.”
“…Um… It’s just… I-I got a little worried, Master… You haven’t been coming to the clubhouse so often, a-and I haven’t seen you in a few days, and you keep ignoring me and you seem mad, a-and…”
“I’ve been busy, Prudence. It’s been, what… A month and a half since we’ve done anything in particular? I do, in fact, attend classes.”
“I-it’s been 57 days tonight, Master… but… y-you’re not mad?”
“Well… I mean… t-that night with me… I guess…”
“And I’d pick a few months after to raise a fuss about it, would I?”
Church opened his eyes, squinting at the overwrought maid. She was nervously wringing the hem of her skirt, her eyes wide and watery. He sighed. “…I have nothing else to say about the incident to you.”
“Does that mean we… uh… made up, Master?”
He sat up, glaring at her a little again. “That depends on how much you’re planning on bringing it up again, doesn’t it?”
Prudence plopped herself down on the bed beside him, leaning into his shoulder as much as she thought would be subtle. Her heart leapt a little when he didn’t move away and just sighed. An awkward few moments passed, Church’s head drooping, then snapping back up a few times.
“So you’re just… here now, are you?”
“Human words can’t possibly describe how much I’d rather be sleeping right now.”
“O-oh… y-you can if you want, Master! I’ll just be here to watch over you…”
Church turned his head, his face getting heart-poundingly close to Prudence’s face. W-was he going to…?!
She must have been a good maid! A good, good, good, good maid! He was finally going to take her for himself! He’d just grab her by the chin and hold her close and they could just kiss and kiss and kiss until the sun came up and maybe they could even do some more without Master being all tied up and maybe he’d do it to her for revenge and he’d just treat her like his maid finally and just keep her all for himself all day and all night and just kiss her and tease her all day long until she was a panting mess and…
Prudence began breathing a little more heavily, closing her eyes and ever-so-slightly puckering her lips, leaning forward and…
“…Are you actually trying to get away with doing this right now?”
Church’s eyes narrowed. “I’d like to reiterate that by sleeping I mean not being awake.”
“U-um… I just… We never really, well… k-kissed properly and… well… i-it just felt… wrong…”
A long, tense moment passed before Church flopped down onto the bed and closed his eyes. “…I’m going to sleep. Do whatever’s going to stop you from disrupting me.”
It took Prudence a moment to process what he’d said. Did he… Did she… W-was it really okay?! He wasn’t really clear but… H-his eyes were closed and he was breathing deeply. Was this that ‘sun-deer’ thing Saria was always trying to tell her about?
She leaned in a little closer to look at her Master’s face. It scrunched up a little when she got closer, but he relaxed again when she’d stopped moving. She hadn’t watched Church sleep when they’d… the last time. She’d seen him sleeping before, but she’d never been brave enough to get this close. He looked so much more peaceful and relaxed like this. It’s not as if she didn’t appreciate every second of him, even if he yelled at her or punished her or told her to make the tea over again, but… Church seemed so much less stressed this way. All the tension he kept wound up all day was gone, and she was just left with… just Master.
She couldn’t help it. She needed to get closer to him. She didn’t even know if she would have the courage to even try to kiss him again, but she straddled him regardless, moving her face as close as she dared to his. As she listened to his breath, she started to subconsciously try to match it, even if her heart was beating so much more quickly than his.
She let out a squeak of surprise when she was grabbed by the collar, Church’s eyes flying open. “For god’s sake, are you going to do it or not? You’re breathing down my bloody neck, and that’s to say nothing about the fact that you’re getting your hair in my face.”
Prudence alternated between biting her lip and soundlessly mouthing words. She’d ruined it. They’d had a moment and she could have taken it, but she screwed up again. Why did she have to be so… weird about it? Saria wouldn’t have been this shy…
Church shook the kikimora a little to bring her back to the moment. “Well?”
“U-um… I-I mean, I… I wasn’t sure if… well… do you just feel obligated, Master? Because you don’t have to-mmm!”
Prudence was cut off when he dragged her to his face, kissing her a little awkwardly at first, but then settling into a more comfortable pace. When he parted their lips again, she was in shock. Master had just… a-and he just… took control! She could barely contain her excitement.
“There. For god’s sake, was that what you wanted?”
“U-uh… y-yes! Oh, thank you, Master. Thankyouthankyouthankyou! C-could, u-um…”
“If you shut up about your damned feelings and let me sodding sleep.”
“A-anything, Master! B-but, I was just going to say that you don’t have to feel-”
“What did I just bloody say, woman?”
The two moved closer, their lips touching more cautiously this time. Prudence settled in, trying to wrap herself around Church as much as she could. When they broke away again, she could only sit on top of him, dumbfounded at her luck. She’d finally done it! I-it hadn’t looked like he’d hated it, and well, he’d practically even suggested it! Maybe he’d… well, she didn’t want to ovu- speculate, but…
She’d been told off time and time again for hovering over him when she first started serving as his maid, but hearing such familiar words just felt… different now. “I-I’m sorry, Master…”
“At least bloody lay down instead of sitting on me. Is sorry the only thing you’re capable of saying?”
“I… R-right.” the kikimora rolled off of Church, taking a spot behind the man, cuddling up to his back.
He’d noticed? Prudence had tried to hold back her excitement as much as she could, but… It felt better than Christmas! She even got to share his bed after… all that! She was quivering in joy to have her face buried in his clothes and his pillow and his bed and- W-was it a good moment? Should she…?
“…I-I can’t help it Master…”
“Well, do your best, will you?”
“I-I just… I love you, Master!”
A long silence passed before Church cleared his throat. “Well, er… Ahem. I suppose you would, wouldn’t you? That… yes. Sensible. Well, it makes sense. I don’t know about sensible but, er… well. Was I doing something? Er, yes. Sleeping, wasn’t I? Aha…”
Prudence let out a pleased-sounding sigh and cuddled in tighter, not saying anything.
It was the sound of her bloody tail hitting the bed twice a second that was keeping Church from getting to sleep. He was sure of it. It had to be.
Another day without having to worry about one of Church’s stupid raids.
It had been, what, two months since the dragon dorm raid? Marshall wasn’t counting, but it had to be around there. Since then, Church had basically called for a hiatus on the raids. They had stolen enough pairs to last them a while.
Of course, just because he didn’t have to deal with Church didn’t mean all his problems were gone.
“Maarrrrshhhieeee, are you ready to go to the clubhouse yet? Natasha’s bringing Balderdash, don’t you like Balderdash?”
Marshall, in fact, did not like Balderdash. As a matter of fact, any game sounded better than Balderdash right now. He was about to suggest something like Apples to Apples, but realized his folly at the last second.
“Mmmnhh, can’t we do somethin’ besides play board games and text? I’m kinda Balderdashed out.”
“Weeeelll…” Saria trailed a finger along Marshall’s shoulder. “I could always say you were sick and needed caring for, then we could fuck the day away~!”
Marshall gave her a defeated look. “B-balderdash it is.”
Saria and Natasha lounged about outside of the clubhouse, waiting for Church to come by and unlock it. Their respective lovers were there too, Cheslav squatting beside Marshall who merely stood with his arms crossed.
“Where is Church? Comrade said he would be here ten minutes ago.”
“Dunno, usually he’s the first one here. What’s holding ‘im up?” Marshall wondered.
“I think that’s him, passing the fountain.” Natasha said, looking off into the distance. “Yep, that’s definitely Prudence there with him. She wouldn’t be following anyone else quite so closely.”
“Hey Prudence! Did it work? Is your first on her way?” Saria called out, causing Prudence to grab her arm and blush.
Church gave her a death glare as he approached her, but merely let out a deep sigh. “Shut up.”
“N-no, nothing like that happened.” Prudence whispered, giving Church a wide berth as he approached the door.
“It’s been quite a while since we’ve been in here, hasn’t it?” Church asked, loosening his tie and reaching into his shirt, pulling out a key attached to a string around his neck.
Marshall nodded. “Few weeks, at least.”
“You all stay out here, I need a minute with the wall.” Church rubbed his hands together in a way that made the rest of them shudder. Better let the man have his Church time.
Church clicked the door open, stepping inside the clubhouse…
For a while, none of them heard anything coming from inside the clubhouse. They began to get a little worried after ten minutes without a single noise.
“Y-you think he’s alright in there?” Prudence asked, taking a cautious step towards the door before stepping back. She couldn’t, not when he might be… well…
“I’m sure he’s fiiiine, he just needs a little help is all~!” Saria placed her hands on Prudence’s shoulders and began to walk her towards the door. “You should ‘accidentally’ stumble in and offer to give him a hand.”
“W-what? No, I couldn’t. I mustn’t! That wouldn’t be… Proper maid etiquette.”
“Oh come on, if he’s in the middle of yankin’ it, it won’t even matter. He’ll be too worked up to refuse you~”
“Yeah, I found out that if you get a guy horny enough, he’s much more likely to say yes to things he wouldn’t normally do.”
Marshall grabbed the back of his neck and sighed.
Prudence stood at the door for another minute, sighed, and decided that just going for it couldn’t hurt… right? Mustering up her courage, she grabbed the knob and clumsily barged into the room, trying desperately to make it look like it was an accident.
Master was lying on the ground, furiously… frothing at the mouth? “M-Master?! Are you okay?!”
He spasmed periodically, but didn’t answer as she ran to him. “S-Saria, get in here! Something’s wrong!”
The elf squirmed outside. She was being invited?! “U-um, can Marshall come, too? Or should we like, make sure Church can get it up before he comes in?”
“W-whatever! I need help!”
Saria dragged Marshall along with her, excited to start her first foursome. She wondered if she could get Marshie and Church to do anything exciting…
“Oh.” She said, seeing Church lying on the ground. “You didn’t tell me you were that good Prue! C-can you teach me?”
“No! It wasn’t… I-I just came in and he was…”
“I don’t reckon this is what you think it is, Saria. He’s got his pants on, still.”
Natasha and Cheslav poked their heads into the door, curious about the commotion.
“Oh, hey. Did you move that weird-ass underwear collection outta here, finally?” Natasha asked.
Marshall perked up. “What?”
“Ah, must be out for cleaning, yes Prudence?”
The kikimora quivered. “N-no…”
“So you’re tellin’ me they’re gone?”
Cheslav dug around in his bag, pulling out his phial of smelling salts and holding them to Church’s face.
He sat up, sputtering from the smell, but Prudence could see something was wrong. He… He didn’t look mad! That never happened! Not except when he was asleep, and even that wasn’t every night. And when he looks at that picture… She had never been able to figure out what was in that frame, but it unnerved her.
Church looked up at her, his eyes dead.
“Are you alright, Master? I… D-did you see them?”
“W-whoever stole everything! Master, you’re not… well… you’re not right, right now…”
“Oh, a thief? No, I suppose I didn’t… Doesn’t really matter, anyway…”
“T-the panties don’t matter?”
“N-no, t-this is what I wanted… doing it all over again… and again… maybe they’ll do this part again, too…”
Did they poison him? Hurt him? WHAT HAD THEY FUCKING DONE TO HIM?! She needed to shock him out of this!
“WE’RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW! GET THAT DICK OUT, WE’RE HAVING ROSE TODAY!”
“…Sure, whatever. Who cares? We’re all going to die pointlessly anyway, and my only legacy is already gone…”
“MASTER, WHAT THE FUCK?!”
Church laid back down, staring blankly at the ceiling.
“NO! YOU GET THAT CUTE LITTLE ASS BACK UP RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”
“WE’RE GONNA FUCKING FIND THOSE DUMB WHORES WHO TOOK THIS FROM US!”
“…no, what did y-”
“I’M NOT LETTING THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN GIVE UP LIKE A FUCKING PUSSY!”
“MASTER, WE’RE GOING TO FIND WHO DID THIS!”
“Do you think we-”
“WE’RE GOING TO GET THE PANTIES BACK AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO HAVE HOT, SWEET, BABYMAKING SEX ON TOP OF OUR TROPHIES!”
“WE’RE GOING TO MAKE THEM GIVE BACK OUR PAST, MASTER!”
Was that out loud?
She turned slowly back to Church, who had stood back up and had his regular scowl back on.
“First of all, I agree with half of that, and no bloody more. We’re not ruining my bloody collection to fulfill whatever bloody sex fantasy you were going on about. It’s unsanitary!”
“I-I think you misheard me, Master… I said, uh… um… a-a party? W-with everyone?”
“You’re damned right we’re finding them, you feathered wench! It had to be one of our enemies! We’re finding out who the fuck did this!”
He gestured at the empty frames with his cane.
“I HOPE YOU’RE FUCKING LISTENING YOU BLOODY CUNTS! I’M GOING TO FIND YOU, AND YOU’D BETTER DAMNED WELL HOPE YOU’RE OUT OF THE HEMISPHERE BY THE TIME I GET YOUR NAME, OR I SWEAR ON MY GRANDFATHER’S GODDAMNED CORPSE THAT YOU’LL WISH YOU HAD JUST KILLED YOURSELVES!”
Off in the distance, a chill inexplicably ran down Ash’s spine. She almost felt as if she’d awakened the spirit of someone long dead, but incredibly angry.
“Y’know, we say that, but uh… who could it be? I mean, whoever did all this.” Marshall said, gesturing to the empty wall.
“It was probably one of the girls from a dorm we’ve already hit. You still have the list, don’t you Chap?”
They gathered around the poorly-repaired table, all leaning in to peer at the long list of monster names. After a few minutes of deliberation, the question floated up from Saria’s mouth.
“So, uh… who do you think did it?”
“Maybe… tiny ladies with wings? Sneak in, very quiet and tricksy?”
Church snorted. “If there’s one bloody lot on this list you could trust to be useless, it’s fairies. Next.”
“Look, I don’t wanna say it’s them, but what about the angels? Prudence, you were up there, right? What do you think?”
Roughly one year ago…
“Prudence, stop looking down. You’ll only make yerself more nervous.” Marshall said, looking over at the trembling kikimora clinging to Lady Lifts-a-Lot for dear life.
At first, Prudence was ecstatic when Master asked her if she would like to accompany him on one of his fabled ‘panty raids,’ it was the first time she was included, so she knew she had to make a good impression and not mess it up. However, she wasn’t told that they were going nearly half a mile into the air in order to reach the angel dorm.
“I-I’m sorry, Marshall… It’s just… Oh god.” Prudence retched, covering her mouth.
“Don’t you dare puke in Lady Lifts-a-Lot, you just cleaned her, remember?” Church reprimanded, bopping her on the head with his cane. “If you must throw up, do it on the clouds where it’ll probably fall on some poor bastard down below.”
Prudence shuddered at Master’s command, swallowing the maelstrom of unpleasantness forming at the back of her throat.
“O-okay Master, b-b-but why are we all the way up here? W-why the angels?”
“They were next on our list, and we specifically need your naivety for this mission.”
“Why me, Master?”
“Because the angel dorm doesn’t just open its doors for anyone, you need to be pure of heart… or some such poppycock. I know I’m right out, since I can’t stand the feathery whores, and I don’t trust either of these two buffoons not to crack while in the dorm. So- you’re our best bet.”
“Y-you’re sure, Master?”
“Of course I am. Go on, then.”
“But… y-you really think I’m pure?”
“Of heart? I hope so, unless you’d like to fall through those lovely clouds they decided to build the angel dorm on. Hup hup, mustn’t dawdle, my dear.”
Church jostled Prudence out of Lady Lifts-a-Lot onto the cloud in front of the dorm’s gate as the group waited expectantly. Her footing held, and she took off the safety harness that Cheslav had given her for the job and tossed it back to the balloon.
On one hand, Prudence was ecstatic that her Master was paying her such a compliment. He thought she was pure! She could already imagine herself in a beautiful white dress for him, and he’s look so handsome… He should probably get a nice white tie and waistcoat to match her dress, and they’d have a nice little theme for the reception. But how would they keep all the linens crisp right by the ocean? She supposed she’d have to do them all herself the night before to make sure it was all just right. She’d definitely have to wear something else for that, though. Maybe she could get a cute little black bikini and sew some lace onto it… Master would probably like that, wouldn’t he? And then they’d have to do the ironing all over again when he-
Prudence screamed, jumping as she slowly began to sink into the cloud beneath her. This was going to be a problem. She was so happy that Master thought she was pure, but… He wasn’t wrong exactly, she loved him more than anything else! She just had… urges sometimes.
…P-pretty often, actually…
This was what she’d been worrying about. Was she going to be able to keep this up? She just tried to think of pure, happy thoughts. Puppies. Rainbows. Master’s tea. Oh! And that one time he-
No. She needed to stay on track. It felt a little embarrassing, since the boys were all still watching her, but she started to mutter under her breath.
“P-pure thoughts. Pure thoughts. Pure thoughts.”
She took a shaky step forward, and it seemed to help a little. The clouds seemed a little more solid again, and she made her way over to the gate. There didn’t seem to be any sort of bell, so she settled for trying to awkwardly rap on one of the golden bars.
She had to stand at the gate, chanting and trying to focus for a few minutes before a curious angel flew to the gate.
“Ah, fuck! Sorry, we usually don’t get people comin’ around.”
“Pure thoughts. Oh, that’s quite -pure thoughts- alright! I just got here. Pure thoughts, Prudence.”
The angel made a strange face at the kikimora. “You… um… alright?”
“Perfectly pure thoughts. E-er, fine, thank you. Perfectly fine. Would you let me in? Pure thoughts.”
“Right, shit! Come on in!”
It was working! A-and they just let her inside! She was afraid to turn back around, worried about whether Master was laughing at her for making such a fool of herself with the whole chanting thing. She shivered. What if they were all laughing at her? And Master wouldn’t let her live it down and make her just keep repeating it while he plowed her a-
“You sure you’re alright, girl?”
“Pure -yes- thoughts. I just… purethoughts… um… my mind is wandering a -purethoughts- bit is all. Isn’t this a bit dangerous?”
“What, the cloud shit? Fuckin’ yep. Allie’s down underneath us to make sure nobody dies, but I dunno why they decided this was a good idea at all.”
“And you’re -purethoughts- okay? I mean, you’re kind of… purethoughts… I don’t know how to say this…”
“Sweary? Yeah, I fuckin’ catch shit for it all the time, ‘cause eeeegh, I’m an angel and I’m supposed to be a massive thundercunt about watching my language and shit. Don’t worry, girl, pure thoughts ain’t just about what you say. Fuckin’… this shit up here? Cleaner than a nun’s cooter.”
“Purethoughtspurethoughtspurethoughts… I-is that good?”
“Look, you’d think the houses of god were fuckin’ lesbian brothels from what those bitches get up to. I’ve seen some shit, believe you me. Uh, anyway, head’s clean. By the way, didn’t catch your name, unless it’s ‘pure thoughts.’”
“It’s Pure-udence. P-Prudence, sorry… Pure thoughts.”
“Angie. Nice to meet ya, Prudence. So, uh… why you here, anyway?”
“It’s um… -purethoughts- kind of… I mean, they told me not to -purethoughts- say anything, but…”
Prudence shuffled a bit uncomfortably, looking at her shoes. Should she? She didn’t want to give away Master’s plan, but Angie seemed so… well… nice. It couldn’t hurt to just tell her a little, right?
“Well, um… I-it’s for my Master…”
“No shit? I thought the clothes were just for show.”
“Erm… y-yes… It’s just, uh… well… There’s this thing he does with the other boys, a-and he has this big goal of collecting all these things and showing everybody how cool and manly he is…”
The angel grinned. “And you’re tryin’ to get some of that dick, right?”
“W-well, um… I-I wouldn’t mind if he did… a-anything he wanted, I guess…”
“An’ ya think this is gonna help ya get with him?”
“I-it’s the first time he let me join in. I really don’t want to mess this up, and… I mean, maybe if I fail he’ll punish me with- ”
The angel held up a hand. “Say no more. Aw, fuck, really though! You’re sinkin’ a bit, Prudence.”
The kikimora squealed when the looked down to find herself knee-deep in the cloud they were standing on. “PURETHOUGHTSPURETHOUGHTSPURETHOUGHTSPURETHOUGHTSPURETHOUGHTS!!”
A few tense moments passed as Prudence tried to regain her focus, but she sighed with relief when she was back at the normal floor level.
“So, uh… What’s this shit you’re lookin’ for, anyway? I’ll give you a hand finding it, if you want.”
“Um…p-panties…” Prudence mumbled.
“Sorry, what? Didn’t catch that.”
“Shit, that was it? Sure, I actually know this great lingerie shop just off campus. I’ve been kinda lookin’ for someone to go with, actually. There’s this cute little guy in my religious studies class I’ve been meaning to uh… well, you know…”
“N-no, I mean, well… they’re not for me…”
“Oh. OH. Shit, uh… Okay. What size does he wear?”
“N-not that either! He wouldn’t do something like that! Not even if I asked him nicely… Pure thoughts, Prudence. I… I’m supposed to borrow some for this collection he’s assembling…”
“…You’re… an underwear thief?”
“No, no! Mmm… m-maybe?”
“…And you’re sure about this guy? He might just be takin’ you for a ride, you know.”
“NO! He wouldn’t! He’s my Master and I’ve known him since we were just kids! W-we’re going to get married, someday… I just… I need to show him what I can do for him…”
The angel gave her a hard look and sighed deeply. “Follow me.”
Prudence had to wonder. Was that a yes? No? She wasn’t going to be taken away, was she? She didn’t say Master’s name, so he wouldn’t be in trouble, at least, but how long would it be before she could see him again? Her stomach twisted at the thought of having to stay away from him. What if he replaced her while she was gone? Someone had to make his tea and do his laundry… What if he liked the new girl better?! She couldn’t let this happen, could she? What if… what if she just made Angie… take a vacation. J-just for a little while! She just had to make sure there wasn’t going to be any trouble for anyone and then she could just go on and do whatever she wanted! Three- well, maybe four years, considering Master’s study habits, but that was the absolute maximum!
The angel turned around to look at Prudence, who had been creeping closer as they walked. “…Are you really planning to try and knock me out with a lint roller, of all things?”
“I-it’s all I have, okay?! Master didn’t tell me I was going to have to hurt anyone…”
“Relax, would ya? Tell me about this Master of yours.”
“I-I’m not giving you a name! No matter what you do!”
“God damn, girl.” Angie paused a moment and slapped a hand over her mouth, beginning to sink into the clouds herself.
“Fuck, dude, it’s a figure of speech! You don’t need to get so testy about it! Sorry. Shit!” She yelled at the sky. When the angel turned back to Prudence, she cleared her throat. “Sorry. Uh, I meant why do you like him so much? What’s he like?”
Prudence perked up a little, being asked about him. Where should she even start? “Well, the way his family dresses is kind of weird, but it’s like… classic, you know? Like a proper Victorian master. I kind of want to get a special maid dress just for him, but I think it would be kind of embarrassing to wear around… Oh! He also hates it when you put milk in his tea at all, but… uh, don’t tell anyone, but he likes a lot of sugar in there, but he always just pretends it’s black…”
“Oh! Do you have any suggestions about tea? Matthias… that’s that guy’s name by the way, he kind of likes it, so I wanted to like… blow his mind, right? Like, I bring him back here and give him something that’s gonna just fuckin’ make him wanna keep coming back for more.”
“Oh! Uh, viagra doesn’t really work in tea, actually. There’s too much acid and heat.”
“What? No, I meant- well, I mean… N-no. I mean, just a really good… Wait, fuck. We’re supposed to be talking about your guy, not mine. What’s he actually like?”
“Well, um… he can be a little harsh sometimes… but he has a good heart! A-and he loves me… I think. I really, really really love him! Our wedding is gonna be beautiful! I’m just not sure whether we should have a daughter first so she can be the flower girl, or just save all six of them for after we’re married…”
“Yeah, I don’t really know what I want to do, either. I mean, on one hand, they’d get to see our wedding and how cute Matthias is gonna look in that tight-ass suit, but like… what if he doesn’t wanna do anything until after we’re married? Like, I’m not gonna do any of the more kinky shit like hypnotising him or putting stuff in his butt until after, obviously, but like, should I do the angel thing right, or would he be down for some fun before?”
“W-what? I… um… I-I dunno… aha… a-anyway, why are you flapping your wings?”
The angel, desperate to cover up the fact that she was sinking into the clouds below, blushed. “W-uh… n-no reason? Just… stretchin’ them. Fuckin’ cramped in here, right? Eheh…”
“ANYWAY. Panties, right? Panties. Here’s my dorm room, by the way… Aha… Don’t really have a laundry hamper or any of that kinda shit, so, uh… just pick a pair you like up from that corner. …Ish.”
“Oh, um… I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, but… Do you have any clean ones? Master really hates anything that isn’t perfectly laundered…”
“…What? Doesn’t he like… use ‘em?”
“He’d never! Trust me, I tried a few times, but he doesn’t even pay any attention to them… He just hangs them up on the wall to look at.”
“Oh, uh… sure, right. Lemme get you somethin’, then.”
Lady Lifts-a-Lot’s basket swayed uncomfortably as Church attempted to pace back and forth in the small space. “Where the bloody hell is that- ah. There she is.”
Prudence emerged from the gate, followed by the sloppy-looking angel that had let her into the dorm itself. “Oh, fuck it all. Where the hell are we going to find someone else to break into this damned place now that she’s caught?”
“Maybe she did it all sneaky-like and that angel don’t know?” Marshall suggested.
“Master! I got them for you!” The kikimora yelled, waving a lacy pair of underwear over her head, Angie blushing behind her.
“What the hell are you doing?! Put those away, she’s right behind you!”
“Who, Angie? Oh, she knows, Master, don’t worry. I told her what we needed and she just gave them to me!”
Church paused for a moment, his face blank. “You… asked?”
“Yeah! It turns out Angie is really friendly! Like, you’d think they’d be kinda stuck-up abou-”
“YOU FUCKING ASKED, DID YOU?!”
“DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF OUR BLOODY MISSION, YOU DAMNED CHICKEN-WOMAN-DOG-THING? WE DON’T ASK, WE TAKE!”
Waving his finger madly, Church stepped off the balloon to scold Prudence on the-
“FUCK!” He yelled, dangling a few feet below the balloon, held up by a safety harness.
“Is why always tell Church, ‘wear rope on balloon comrade!’” Cheslav yelled over the side.
“I DIDN’T FUCKING NEED IT, YOU DOLT!”
“Cheslav thinks you did, Church.”
“PRUDENCE, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE THINK YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK! IF YOU GIVE THESE BINTS AN INCH OF SLACK, THEY’LL TAKE A DAMNED MILE! FIRST IT’S ASKING, THEN IT’S A FUCKING FAIR TRADE FOR YOUR OWN UNDERWEAR, AND THEY MAKE YOU WEAR THEIRS AS THEY FUCKING STICK THINGS IN YOUR BLOODY ARSE!”
“M-Master, I don’t think it’s quite tha-”
“IF YOU FUCKING LOOK AT THESE WHORES THE WRONG WAY, THEY’LL EAT YOUR ARSE FOR BREAKFAST! YOU FUCKING ASK FOR THE TIME AND YOU HAVE A FAMILY OF GODDAMN SIX!”
Prudence cringed a little at the number, if not for herself, for their lovely (future) daughters Lily, Rose, Daisy, Violet, Petunia and poor little Nightshade (she was going to be so troubled.) With the commotion being raised, an angel who had been circling below the dorm flew up lazily to see what the noise was about.
“Uh, are you alright, sir?”
“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU STRUMPET! I DON’T WANT YOUR BASTARD CHILDREN!”
“I-I’m sorry! He’s just… um… s-stressed out a little right now. I-isn’t that right, Master? Why don’t I give you a back rub when we get back home?”
“SILENCE, YOU PETULANT BROTHELMISTRESS!”
“U-uh, okay? Take care, I guess?” The angel said, flying away.
Present day (Current year)
“N-no, they’re too nice for that…” Prudence decided.
“Yer sure?” Marshall asked.
“Yeah, definitely. I even saw Angie last week, and she didn’t really seem mad or anything…”
“Welp. I’m fresh out of ideas.”
The gang looked around the room in silence, devoid of a plan on what to do next.
“M-Maybe we could ask around?” Saria suggested.
Church rubbed his chin. “We should probably start with someone recent, I can’t imagine someone from our first raids holding a grudge for that long.”
“You sayin’ it was the dragons?”
“We can’t rule out anybody just yet, but I was thinking… perhaps the cheshires?”
Natasha piped up. “Look, we can sit around and speculate all we want, but the most important thing is that if we’re going to get information, we need to ask someone we’re on good terms with.”
The group went silent.
Natasha snorted. “Of course, I wouldn’t get my hopes up, considering you’ve basically wronged everyone on campus.”
“What? Of course not. There’s got to be be a monster that’s willing to help us. How about… no, that’s right out. Or maybe… no, not her either. Chap, surely you know other monsters besides your bloody girlfriend, right?”
Cheslav squatted, deep in thought. “Mmmm. No, not thinkings of any, comrade. Maybe talk to alps?”
“LOOK, UNLESS YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT TREATING US TO A SWISS VACATION, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A DAMN THING ABOUT THE ALPS!”
Meanwhile, Marshall was scrolling through his phone contacts, mumbling to himself.
“Marshie, whatcha lookin’ at there?” Saria asked.
“Nope, no, definitely not her… definitely don’t wanna hear from her again… I don’t even remember this one…”
It wasn’t long until Church also began to take an interest in Marshall’s phone. “Marshall, where did you get all those bloody numbers?”
“Don’t you remember? Back when we first started doin’ raids… I would have to give out my number to quiet down summa them monsters.”
“Hey, I was one of those monsters!” Saria pouted, upset at this new information.
“Now now, Saria. The difference between you n’ them is that you were persistent. Veeery persistent.”
Saria pouted, but in the end, she was the one who ended up with him.
“Oh wait, that dhampir girl… Isabella! She still owes me a favor!”
“Isa-who now?” Prudence asked.
“That one time that I was ‘necessarily sacrificed’ by Church. You weren’t there for that one.”
“Necessary… sacrifice?” Saria looked at Church with suspicion.
“You don’t wanna know, trust me.”
“Marshall, you’re not seriously considering contacting that bloody vampire half-breed, are you?” Church asked.
“She may be our best bet, partner.”
“Hrrrmm…” Church rubbed his temples. “Fine, I suppose she can come here. But if I feel like she’s about to blab our location to the enemy, we need to… dispatch her.”
“Looks like the enemy already knows where we are.”
“Fuck. That’s right, isn’t it? In any case, be on your guard. I’m not making the mistake of assuming her innocence.”
Isabella straightened her corset and looked down at herself. Was it too much? She didn’t want to come on too strong again, but… well, she hadn’t really expected Marshall to talk to her again, so she had just wanted to put on something cute, so he’d have something to look at. Was her skirt too short? She didn’t know if that’s the kind of thing he’d even be into. She might have tried to find some of those really short jean shorts so she could kind of match with the cowboy look he seemed to go for, but that wouldn’t exactly be her would it? It would just look like she was trying too hard to impress him.
Right. Marshall. Weird portable classroom thingy. Six o’ clock. Six o’ clock? She checked her watch. Six-ish. She’d be fashionably late. Perfect. She walked up to the door, but just as she was about to knock, a short elf making a face like >:C opened the door.
“Oh, sorry. Wait, is this like uh… one of those parties?”
“Why would we call you here if we didn’t need you to be here? Of course it’s one of those.”
Oh. Well. Huh. She didn’t really know Marshall was that kind of person. Isabella was getting a little less sure about the whole thing. The elf was kind of cute and all, and she could see that she was probably more here for the girl, but the dhampir had never really been interested in that kind of thing. Still, she might get a little blood and some fun with Marshall again for the trouble, so she supposed it wasn’t all bad.
She walked in, followed closely by the elf. Was she staring at her butt or something? Ah, there was Marshall. A-and a bunch of other guys and girls? “H-hey, Marshall! How’s it going, cutie? You didn’t say there’d be this many people… aha…”
Marshall began to sweat. Did she think that they were… Aw, shit.
“Oh, uh… yeah, sorry ‘bout that…”
Church pulled the Texan aside. “Marshall, what in the hell did you send her?”
“Just like a regular invitation text! I swear!”
“Let me see!”
Church scowled and read the text out in a poor Texan accent.
“And I quote: Lmao hey bby u wanna come? I wanna have you repay that favor ya owe me remember? ;)”
“I-I added come over after! It was an honest mistake!”
“It was five years too bloody late by that point! If they see something like that, those damned mouthbreathers don’t have the wherewithal to even read any more. And a fucking winky face? Are we in the third bloody grade again?”
“I didn’t even have a- You know what? Whatever. I screwed the pooch on this one, alright? Let’s just get the info out of her and get to work.”
“You would screw a damn pooch girl, wouldn’t you?”
“You fuckin’ threw me in front of that anubis yourself and y’goddamn know it. You sure as hell weren’t comin’ back, so I had to get out- Dammit, stop distractin’ me!”
Marshall gingerly walked up to the dhampir and patted her shoulder. “So, uh… hey, it’s nice to see you again! Anyway, I uh… well, I think y’might’ve gotten the wrong idea about-”
“MARSHIE!” Saria, making a face like >>>>>:CCCC popped up between Marshall and Isabella, trying to make as much distance as possible between the two. “Who is this? W-why are you touching her?!”
“Uh, she’s… A friend Saria, don’t worry about it, okay?”
“S-she smells like you!”
Isabella spoke up. “Oh, we didn’t start without you or anything, we just fucked a few months ago! Anyway, it looks like you have a bigger lead on me anyway.”
“Uh, Saria, it’s-”
“DON’T YOU ‘SARIA’ ME, MARSHIE! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE?!”
“Well, it was before I knew you, okay? That don’t mean anything right now.”
“THEN WHY IS MISS SUCK AND CUCK EVEN HERE?!”
“Wait, are we roleplaying right now?” Isabella asked.
“No, that’s what I was trying to say! I-” Marshall was cut off when Saria jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him desperately as her feet dangled off the ground.
“HE’S MINE! JUST FOR ME! STAY AWAY FROM MY MARSHIE!” The elf hissed.
“Uh, okay? W-what were you saying, Marshiiiii… Marshall?”
“Uh, right. Saria, stop grabbin’ my dick, I’m tryin’ to talk here! Anyway, I was tryin’ to say sorry if that text came out a little wrong, we’re actually lookin’ for some help tracking down some monsters…”
“Aaanyway, now that you’ve got the whole story, any ideas on who it wa-”
“It was the vampires, I just know it!” Isabella said without skipping a beat.
“Well. That was an awfully quick answer. Almost as if it’s to hide the truth.” Church slowly hobbled towards Isabella, raising his cane.
“Settle down, Church. Vampires n’ Dhampirs just have some kinda… natural rivalry? They’s like snakes and eagles.”
“C’mon, it only makes sense!” Isabella continued. “You stole the headmistress Carmilla’s underwear, right? That’s why I’m even here in the first place. She must’ve noticed, and decided to get back at you. Vampires are spiteful creatures! I should know.”
Marshall drummed his fingers on the table, deep in thought. “Well, that’s some mighty rock solid reasonin,’ but by that logic, any of them monsters we hit is still fair game. Only difference with the vampires’ is that we double crossed ‘em.”
“And they could be extra salty about that.”
“Hrrmm… I dunno, Isabella. Still doesn’t sound like we got enough evidence yet.”
“I say we give it a shot.” Church said, barging into the conversation.
“Uh… ya sure, bud?”
“Of course I’m sure, we’ve got to start somewhere right? Besides, those high-class hussies deserve a good interrogation.”
Isabella rubbed her legs together at the mention of interrogations. “Uhhh, yeah! Interrogations sound good. But uh… what are you going to do to them?”
“Er… I hadn’t really thought that far.”
“C-can I suggest something? We could just invite her here and-”
Church slapped his cane on the ground. “No, NO! Absolutely not! We’re going to question the head vampire in her room, and that’s it! We can’t risk her being innocent and then knowing where our clubhouse actually is!”
Isabella looked down, disappointed.
“Alrighty, looks like we’re gon’ pay the vampires another visit. Anything we need t’gather before we go?”
“Actually, yes. Only one thing, though. I probably won’t even need Chap’s help, not even Prudence could screw this up.”
“O-ohh..? What are you planning, master?”
“Prudence… we’re having Italian tonight.”
“W-WE’RE GOING OUT FOR DINNER TOGETHER?!”
“No, that’s- I meant we should… whatever. Make some Italian food, I’m not paying a restaurant for that tripe.”
At the Vampire Dorm…
“So… that’s it? No elaborate scheme or anythin’? We just waltzin’ in durin’ the daytime?” Marshall asked.
“Come now, they’re all asleep. Nobody is more willing to talk than someone miserably fucking tired who just wants to fucking get back to bed. I have… experience.” Spat Church.
“If that was so easy, why didn’t we just raid the vampires in the daytime in the first place?”
Church stopped talking, giving Marshall a death glare. “Because, you idiot… er… we were… busy.”
“What? No we weren’t.”
“If you’d paid any bloody attention, you could have figured out the kind of threat we were dealing with, but I handled it myself. You can’t trust the bloody help these days to take any damned initiative.” Church said grandiosely, turning his nose up at the other man.
Marshall gave him a scrutinizing glare, but he didn’t budge, so he let it go.
“Alrighty then. We headin’ in through the window?”
“Of course we are, you dolt! That door squeaks like a dormouse in heat.”
Church motioned for Cheslav to open the window, and they crept in, taking care not to make too much noise.
“Oh god, I forgot just how gaudy their dorm is. Come, quickly. Her room is upstairs.”
The gang crept upstairs, but before they could reach them, they heard something coming from the den. It sounded like… a laugh? It sounded hollow and forced.
“I thought you said everyone was asleep!” Marshall whispered to Church.
“Well they damned well ought to be! It’s two in the bloody afternoon!”
Isabella tensed up. “We should check it out. I mean, what if she comes out? We should just take her out now, while she’s unaware. We could tie her up and make her… uh… never mind. Knock her out? Knock her out is what I was saying.”
“Oh, good. Are you as much of a muffer as our resident elf is?”
Saria frowned. “Am not! I’m dating Marshie!”
“I’ve seen those filthy eyes on my maid more than once. Do try to restrain yourself, wouldn’t you?”
“I do! For practice, mostly… I prefer when Marsh- hey!”
The dhampir turned away. “L-look, I don’t see what this has to do with anything. Are we going or not?”
“Ah, the rhetoric of a woman who knows she’s lost. Yes, I think we shall.”
The group slipped in the door, closing on the single woman in the room.
The vampire sat on a couch in front of a pitifully small CRT TV, wearing a grimy-looking sweatsuit with the batman logo on it. The room was dimly lit by a rerun of How I Raped Your Father. The silence of the room was broken by another hollow-sounding laugh track after a succubus stood up and rattled off an inane line about enjoying sex. The vampire watching had to muffle her sniggering with a pillow from the couch, seemingly unaware of the party’s presence.
“Ahem.” Church said, trying to get her attention.
The vampire finished giggling and began shovelling food into her mouth. “Oh, Bernie. You always know what to say.”
The vampire turned, a tub of ice cream in one hand emblazoned with a cartoon mosquito girl advertising its ‘yummy new blood flavour!’
“U-um…” She said, barely understandable around the spoon still in her mouth.
The girl put down the tub of ice cream slowly and looked around the room. “O-oh! I guess I was sleepwalking again! A-and did you guys change the channel on me? I was watching… um… M-Mad Women…”
Isabella, hardly paying attention, stepped forward, grinning, when the vampire broke out into tears.
“I-I know! I’m a freak! Even I don’t know what’s wrong with me! It’s just all so… it’s hard, alright?! Trying to play it cool all the time…”
The dhampir was confused. “Wait, what?”
“A-and the sweatpants! Why are they so comfortable!? even my soft skirts are itchy! But I have to dress up, or everyone is going to make fun of me!”
“No, I don’t really care about that… Why don’t you just be a good girl and turn-”
“Oh, do it! Complete strangers are going to make a mockery of my entire life! I don’t even care anymore! If I have to attend one more stuffy ball without having Bernie’s jokes to comfort me, what’s the point in even unliving?!”
“I… what? That’s not what we’re here for. I just-”
“Y-you’re not here to humiliate me?”
“No, I just need you to shut up. Look, I’m not going to do too much to you, then we’ll just leave you here, and eventually, someone can come untie-”
“For god’s sake, are you still on about this, you half-breed?” Church asked, indignant.
“You can just, uh… well, I want to be there for Carmilla, too, so maybe just like… wait outside for half an hour or something? It shouldn’t take too-”
“For fuck’s sake, I don’t have the time to waste sitting around waiting for a rapist to finish her damned work. We’re doing this to fight your damned kind.”
“I-I wasn’t going to do anything like that! I just needed to… to torture her to show her her place!”
“Shut your trap or we’ll be leaving you behind as a distraction for the rest of this den of whores. You, vampire. You said we were strangers?”
“S-should I know you? I just transferred in from M State a few months ago, and-”
“Yes you should bloody know us! We’re the scourge of-”
“SORRY ‘BOUT THAT, MISSY! We’re just, uh… passin’ through right now. Big surprise thing goin’ on soon, so don’t tell anyone we were here, y’hear?” Marshall interjected.
The vampire nodded. “S-so, do you guys like sitcoms? I-I have this one episode that-”
“Quite busy, thank you. Unless you’d like to wine and dine your victim first, Isengard.” Church said, angry at having been interrupted.
“My name’s Isabella! And I’m not doing anything like that with the enemy!”
“Well you’re not bloody taking Marshall out with the elf around, so let’s move on, shall we?”
Leaving the vampire behind, they continued up the stairs and soon stood in front of a familiar door.
“Whelp, here we are. Anybody want to volunteer to go in first?”
“Get out of the way, I’ve got this.” Church shoved Marshall out of the way and wrenched the door open.
Sure enough, there was Carmilla, passed out on her bed with the covers disheveled.
“There’s our damned bint. Quick Chap, lock the door behind us.”
Cheslav nodded, there was a click from the door behind them.
“Alright, now let’s give this harlot a rude awake- Is that a bloody Alucard body pillow?”
Sure enough, nestled between her arms was a pillow depicting a surprisingly scantily-clad vampire holding a rose in his mouth.
“…I think I’m going to vomit.” Church muttered under his breath, approaching the bed. “Wake up, you scarlet-chinned tu-”
Church was cut off as the covers shifted next to her, and a man rolled from under them, with brown hair, a fit physique, and no clothes whatsoever.
“Oh, for god’s sake, lad! Do fucking dress yourself!” Church snapped, in his shock.
“Unnhhh…” The guy looked around the room until his eyes settled on Isabella, then he flailed, desperately trying to cover himself with the comforter. “S-shit! Izzy, what are you doing here!?”
Isabella yelped, covering her eyes and turning away. “Richard? Gross! Didn’t you say you were done with this… broad?”
Suddenly, Carmilla stretched in the bed, her eyes slowly fluttering open. “NNNN…Ritchie honey? What’s wr- Oh. OH! OH!!” She, too, scrambled so that her entire body was hidden under the covers. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE!?”
Marshall gave Isabella a strange look. “You two… know each other I guess?”
“Ugh, of course! He’s that little twerp’s brother! …Wait, did you really call me a broad?” Carmilla interjected, giving Richard a dangerous glare.
“Brother?” Team Good ol’ Boys said in unison.
“Well, I can obviously see that even though I indulge in your gross fantasies like letting you call me ‘Izzy’ during intercourse, I haven’t earned any loyalty from you, boy.”
“W-wait, what…?” Isabella looked towards Carmilla for clarification.
“Your brother apparently wants to think of you when he’s in bed with me, for some strange reason. I’ve put up with it because he really seemed like a nice guy, but apparently he’s just like the others.”
“The hell? Don’t you give her that bullshit! Isabella, I promise you it isn’t true, she’s just trying to get a rise out of you!” Richard yelled, desperately.
“R-Richard, I…” Isabella took a step towards her brother, tears dotting the corners of her eyes. “I… never knew you felt the same…”
Marshall visibly cringed, while Church eyed the door a few times and began slowly making his way towards it, even beckoning Carmilla to follow. Carmilla nodded, forming a temporary truce as they escaped the situation before it got any more out of hand.
“I… I’ve been wrestling with these feelings for so many years… I was always so jealous when you were in a relationship, and… I didn’t know why. I-I guess all along, I just wanted you to be thinking of me…”
“H-hold on, Izzy. You’ve got it all wrong. B-back me up here, guys! Isn’t this a little bit-”
He turned around, but found the room was devoid of anyone that could possibly save him. It was just him, and her now.
Carmilla breathed a sigh of relief.“Good lord, I can’t actually believe that worked.”
“Wait, what!?” Marshall asked in disbelief.
“I-I mean… O-of course I knew! I know my mortal enemy better than anyone, don’t I?”
Marshall rolled his eyes. “Well, for what it’s worth, at least we’re outta… that.”
Carmilla smugly inspected her nails. “Mmm, not a problem at all. Besides, I’m much more interested in this cute little feud we’ve got going on.”
“Cute? I try to conduct some serious bloody business and that’s all you’ve got? Cute?”
“Mmmhmhm~ You could say I see you all as bags of blood rather than threats…” She crooned.
“And just what is that supposed to mean!?” Church raised his voice.
“Simple. I’m going to drain each of you until you’re too weak to run away, then keep you here while my precious dorm-mates have their fun with you. But don’t fret, we promise not to take too much… But by the time we’re done, I hope you’re not planning to do anything for a few weeks~.”
“As if we’re going to just let you do th-”
Church was suddenly pinned to the wall, his head being held to the side while her other arm held both of his hands behind his back.
“I’m afraid it’s not a matter of you letting me do anything… it’s more like… well, you couldn’t stop me even if you tried.” Carmilla chuckled sinisterly, starting to lean in with her fangs drawn. Just before she could bite, however, a familiar, hollow sounding laugh track broke the tension clouding the hallway.
“…What’s that noise?” Carmilla pulled away from Church, much to his secret relief. He hadn’t expected that attack. If she had bitten him then, his prepared countermeasure would have been useless.
The four of them stood in silence, listening in. Some more muffled words, followed by that same hollow laughter.
“There it is again! Ugh, who on earth is doing anything in the dorm this time of day?” Carmilla cautiously made her way to the den, peering inside to see the same vampire that Church and the gang encountered before, still giggling quietly to herself and eating ice cream.
“What in the everloving hell are you watching, Lucine?” The sweatsuit-clad vampire jumped at Carmilla’s shout.
“O-Oh! Uh… I thought- but… T-this isn’t what it looks like?!”
“Is this a… one of those vacuous sitcoms?”
Lucine hesitated. “…Y-yes it is! I’m not… n-not ashamed of it, okay?”
“Oh, for god’s… I’d rather have my questionably-incestuous bisexual archrival in this dorm every fucking day in preference to having whatever shit that you’re watching even exist in my dorm!”
Church interrupted the stuttering vampire. “Excuse you. I am not a bisexual.”
Carmilla squinted at him. “What? Not you, Isabella!”
“…Who’s that now?”
“She’s- You know what? Shut up.” The vampire closed in, knocking Marshall and Cheslav aside with ease as she went straight for the loudmouthed cunt. It was bad enough that she had to be awake, much less deal with this ridiculous idiot who couldn’t even keep up with the conversation. “All this excitement has gotten me hungry. Now come here, you-”
The vampire pinned Church to the wall again, but as she went in for his neck, she suddenly gagged. “O-oh g-ugh What the FUCK did you eat?”
Church grinned, leaning in as close to Carmilla’s face as he could. “Hmm? Oh, I just hhhhad to have some Italian earlier. Delicious stuff, isn’t it? My maid makes a lovely 40 clove chicken, but of course I couldn’t turn down a plate of garlic parmesan alfredo and some absolutely stunning garlic bread first, of course.”
Somewhere back at the clubhouse, Prudence shuddered with arousal, though she wasn’t sure exactly why.
A small crowd of sleepy vampires began to gather, watching Church and Carmilla after being roused by the sound of the latter trying desperately not to vomit.
“Oh, you simply must try this new health craze that’s been going around! I’ve got a bottle right here! Did you know you can make tea out of garlic?” A vampire giggled, but quickly covered her mouth as Carmilla tried to crawl away, begging. “Oh, no need to be shy! Here, just open your mouth, I’ll help you drink it!”
“NO! NONONO! I’M SORRY! I WON’T DO IT AGAIN! STOP! STOP IT!” Carmilla screamed in desperation.
“Why, whatever could you be talking about?”
“I HELPED STEAL YOUR STUPID PANTIES! I DON’T HAVE THEM ANY MORE, STOP!”
“Oh, my! Are you saying that you’ve stooped to a level even lower than the common man?”
“W-what are you-?”
Church leaned in menacingly. “SAY IT.”
“W-whatever! Fine! We’re the same, who cares?!”
“My, my! Did you hear that, ladies? Your leader is worth even less than a mere mortal man!” Church said, standing in triumph.
A few jeers rose from the crowd, and Carmilla blushed when she realised what she’d just said.
“Now, would you like to give me a list of your friends? I’d like to have some words with them.” Church said, pulling a notepad from his jacket.
“I-I’m not going to-”
“Ah, ah, ah. You’ve got nothing left to protect and a delicious bottle of tea waiting for you.”
Carmilla froze, gagging from the smell before snatching the notepad from Church and scribbling furiously into it. “J-just… just go already! You got everything you wanted!”
“Well, then. That’s that, isn’t it? Oh, wait a moment.” Church grinned cruelly at the vampire. “You never did try the tea yet, did you?”
Marshall and Cheslav looked on in horror as he dumped the bottle of garlic tea onto Carmilla, prompting an uncomfortable laugh from the crowd.
“Was dumpin’ the tea on her really necessary partner?” Marshall asked as they left the dorm.
“Of course it was, you dolt. We had an audience!”
“Is- Oh hey, it’s Isabella.”
The dhampir jogged up to the group. “That was so much fun! What’s the next one?!”
Church paused. “Er… what?”
“We’re doing another, right? There was a bunch of them, soooo…?”
“I… Maybe? I hadn’t really planned to do anything for another w-”
“The great team Good Ol’ Boys wouldn’t leave the job half-done, right?”
Church cleared his throat and straightened up a bit. “Well, when you put it that way, we can’t-”
Marshall, realising what was happening, spoke up. “W-wait, Izzy, don’t-”
“Now now, Marshall. Let the lady speak. After all, she’s got a point. And impeccable taste, as well… Chap, get the list, would you?”
“Eh… is spicy micies next, da?” The gopnik asked, gesturing to the notebook that Carmilla scribbled in.
“Then let’s go!” Isabella said, grabbing Marshall’s hand.
“W-wait, hold on! Let go o’ that! You’ll upset Saria!” The Texan warned, very spooperooed.
“What? She’s not even here, though.”
“I-I ain’t sure about that… I mean, this one time when I was-”
Isabella tuned Marshall out, looking around. J-just to make sure. She jumped a bit when she saw some rather knife-like leaves on some bushes, b-but they really did look like elf ears.
“Ha, shows what you know. I don’t see her any-”
Just then, out of her peripherals, Isabella caught a glimpse of a stone gargoyle on top of the vampire dorm that she swore just moved. Focusing on it, she eventually saw that it wasn’t a gargoyle, its’ ears were too long and… o-oh god.
Shuddering in newfound terror, Isabella let go of Marshall’s hand and looked back again, only to find the gargoyle had vanished without a trace.
The Hinezumi Dorm
“Saria, I know I agreed to let ya come along but… why? What we’re doin’ isn’t relevant to ya at all.”
“Oh come on, Marshie. You know I could never forgive myself… or ANYONE! I-if these… hinezumi were to try and… steal you away~” Saria reassured, squeezing Marshall’s hand a little too tightly and glaring daggers at Isabella, who cowered away, looking expectantly at Church.
“S-so, uh… Church… About the plan… You’re just going to-”
Church interrupted Isabella before she could finish even asking the question.
“Yes, we are. Now stop your petulant questions.”
“Mashiiiii-er-all. Marshall. You’re not worried about this? I mean, she’s a hinezumi, she won’t be a pushover!”
“Are you really doubting my Marshie?” Saria bitched.
The Texan in question rubbed the back of his head. “Saria, for god’s- Uh… Look, I’m not really the plannin’ type, but this seems like it should work just fine.”
“What did I just bloody say, woman? As soon as she’s doused, we’ve got her right where we want her.” Church lifted his foot to the door, preparing to kick it open, but then stopped, noticing it was the same sliding door he had tried to kick in the last time he was there.
“…Ah. Could, uh… be trapped, right? Keep your fingers clear.”
Church awkwardly slid the door open with his foot, eliciting a strange look from Isabella.
The group walked in, rounding the corner and finding Wai-fu standing alone in the courtyard of the hinezumi dorm. When she saw the buckets of water they were carrying, she crossed her arms and grinned, adjusting an oversized yellow sou’wester perched on her head.
“Did you jabronis really fuckin’ think I wouldn’t be ready for you this time?”
Church looked around awkwardly. “Er… yes, actually. What happened to the honour bit and all that?”
“You think that fuckin’ water bucket in your hand is fighting fair, crippleman?”
“Well pardon me for wanting to even the fucking odds.”
“Fuck you. Come on, then. You want your dirty underwear back? Come get ‘em. I’ll take you jabronis on any day.”
“Excuse you, they’re perfectly clean.”
“STOP STALLING, FUCKBOY!”
The hinezumi may not have looked very imposing in what looked like her dad’s raincoat, but Church still didn’t like his odds to beat her, now that the water bucket plan was out of play.
“Er, right. Elizabeth, you’re up.”
There was an awkward silence before he turned back to look at the dhampir. “…Well?”
“Oh! Sorry, you meant me? My name’s Isabell-”
“Oh, spare me the details. Go on, then.”
Isabella rolled her eyes, drawing her rapier and standing in front of Wai-Fu, who was striking a pose of her own.
“C’mon, then. You first.” The hinezumi goaded.
“You think I was born yesterday? Striking first is always stupid. I read the “Art of War” too, you know.”
Wai-Fu clicked her tongue. “Maybe you’ve read it, but it takes a true warrior such as myself to truly understand the intricate philosophies that it holds.”
“Oh, so you’re a blowhard and a chuunibyou?”
The flames around the mouse burned a little brighter in her anger. “Who are you calling a chuuni, you… double chuuni?!”
“That’s it, now you’ve done it.” Isabella pulled back the blade of her rapier and whipped it against Wai-Fu’s chest.
“Ow, FUCK! I… I can’t believe you’ve done this!” The hinezumi wound up, countering with the hardest flaming punch to Isabella’s solar plexus that she could muster, sending the dhampir to the floor in one decisive hit.
Isabella coughed in pain, trying to get up before collapsing again. “I-I give… ow…”
Wai-fu stood above the dhampir smugly, the remains of her jacket dripping off her body from the flame. “Well? Who’s next? Come on, college boy.”
An evil-looking grin crossed Church’s face. “Hold her down, would you, lads? I think we’ve just solved our little problem.”
“What?” She looked down at her body and blanched when she saw that her protection against water had completely melted. “N-NO! FUCK YOU! THIS IS BULLSHIT! AT LEAST IT SMELLS LIKE IT!”
Church grabbed the bucket of water he had brought into the dorm, slowly circling the hinezumi, who had begun to panic.
“Er, look, come on, let’s not make this harder than it needs to be, now…” Marshall said, closing on the girl with Cheslav.
“S-so you like embarrassing me, huh?!”
“Goddamn it, grab ‘er Cheslav!”
The hinezumi managed to kick Marshall in the groin before she was tackled, taking the Texan with her as Cheslav dragged her to the ground.
Church cackled as he poured the water on her, eliciting a panicked squeak.
When the flames on her body had been completely extinguished, the half-drowned rat squinted at the men, miserable. “T-this is bullshit! Let me go! …P-please?”
“Oh, no, my dear. We have a little business to sort out before we’ll be doing that. Why don’t we take you to your room?”
As they walked down the hall, Cheslav leaned over to Church. “Eh, does Church have plan for revenge? Did not talk about before leave…”
“Er… Yes. Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? What a ridiculous question.”
Cheslav stared at the man in silence and Saria leaned in to eavesdrop.
“You know, you can tell us, Churchie~”
“Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to in that filthy den of lesbianism you call a dorm room. If I hear you call me that one more bloody time, I’ll be revoking your maid priv- Look. It’ll come to me, alright? She has to have something doesn’t she?”
The group marched into Wai-fu’s room, which was nearly completely devoid of any decoration, but more importantly, any obvious blackmail material.
“Well. Er… Hmm. Has anyone told you that you have the most boring room I’ve ever had the misfortune to break into?”
Church poked around at the few books she had on the shelf, trying to gauge her reaction, but the defeated hinezumi just smiled. “I’ve got nothing to hide from your little jabroni outfit. Good luck finding anything.”
Saria peered at one of the few decorations in the room, a poster of a man in a locker room. She hadn’t been able to recall where she’d seen it before, but when Wai-fu had said ‘jabroni,’ it clicked. “Hey, isn’t this just a picture from that one movie?”
“W-what?” the hinezumi squeaked, beginning to sweat.
“Yeah, like the leather guy in this picture comes in, and then the other guy is like ‘aah, you’re a jabroni, fag’ and then they wrestle for a bit and then the one guy fucks the other dude in the a-”
“WHAT?! N-NO?! WHO WATCHES THAT STUFF? NOT ME, HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“-And then after he’s done making the other guy jizz all over himself he-”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! STOP IT!”
“Did you remember the part when he pulled out his c-”
“Stop! STOP! For the LOVE OF FUCK stop! Someone make her stop! Please!”
“Haha! Yes, we came here with your… exact weakness!” Church boasted, folding his arms victoriously. “Saria, keep talking about the… thing.”
Marshall cringed. “N-no, hold up. You really don’t want her to go down this rabbit hole. It just… it never ends! The last time she started, she only stopped when I- Aw god, I still feel dirty.”
“Sometimes I talk about it so much…” Saria leaned in, nearly sticking her entire face in the hinezumi’s ear. “…I rip the skin.”
The rest of the group cringed, while Wai-fu continued to scream incoherently.
“A-alright, Saria. I think we’ve gone and done ‘nuff damage here. Whaddaya say we get outta here?”
“C’mon Marshie, I’m an artist, a performance artist.”
Just then, there was a knock at the door, followed by one of the other Hinezumi poking her heads in.
“Master Wai-Fu! We heard a mighty screech, is everything alright? Are these intruders?”
Before Wai-Fu could even reply, Saria butted in. “Oh no, we were just talking about the greatest and most underrated gay pornos EVER!!!”
The hinezumi at the door cracked the door open more, revealing nearly every remaining hinezumi in the dorm behind her. “P-pardon…?”
Wai-Fu tried to speak again, but Saria once again cut her off. “Okay! So like… basically there was these japanese guys who edited some gay porn clips together and made this really cool video, and then people were like ‘where were these from?’ So after some digging, it turns out there was this company that made these really cheesy gay pornos in the late 90’s, and a really-”
Saria continued her excited rambling to the crowd of hinezumi, who looked anywhere from disgusted to desperately fascinated as she continued her explanation.
Church walked up to Wai-fu, who had curled into a ball, trying to pretend that this wasn’t happening. “Well, er… That’s that, I suppose.We’ll, er… we’ll see ourselves out.”
Saria began squirming as Marshall picked her up, hoisting her over his shoulder. “Come on, Saria, let’s leave the poor mice to stew, alright?”
“But Marshiiiiiie! I wasn’t done! I’ve gotta tell them about how those guys were betting their ass-”
“I’ll make breakfast for us tomorrow if ya behave.”
The elf froze. “Okay, let’s go! You guys can just message me on my tumb-”
“Hush.” Marshall patted Saria’s butt, making her squeal and cut herself off.
The Jinko Dorm
The next evening, the men arrived at the jinko dorm. Marshall was carrying the grappling hook that they borrowed from the McGuffin twins.When they were at the foot of the dorm, he threw it up… only to have it sail back down, failing to catch on anything.
“Huh. Weird.” Marshall reeled it in and wound up, tossing it again only to have the same thing happen.
Church scoffed. “Oh come now, don’t you practice this every night at the ranch with that elven whore?”
“S-shut up, I’m jus’ tired, alright?”
Cheslav naruto-walked up, patting Marshall on the shoulder. “Is alright Comrade Marshall, happens to all men sometimes. I will do.” Upon saying that, he summoned the power of grappling hook throwing-no jutsu and caught it on the windowsill in one try.
“…Wait, are you tryin’ to say I can’t get it up? I-I can! …Fuck off.”
Cheslav looked at him with confusion. “But you did not get up, yes?”
“Will you two stop chatting about your cocks? I’d like to get home tonight.” Church said, tapping his foot.
“Alright, alright. I’ll head up-”
“Excellent.” Church said, jumping onto his back. “Alright, off we go.”
“Are you fuckin’… Sure. Whatever. Who cares? Not me.”
Several feet up the rope, Church groaned. “Can’t you go any faster?”
“Look, partner, it ain’t easy draggin’ us both up a goddamn rope when y’ain’t helpin’.”
“As much as pulling your own weight is Herculean all on its own, what aaaaaAAAAAAAAAA!” Church was cut off when their grappling hook was suddenly jerked upward, shaking the rope.
“Eh, Church? Cheslav thinks we are caught… Perhaps go another way?”
“Ha. N-nonsense, it’ll save us the time of making an entrance if the stripy whore already knows we’re here.”
The rope wobbled dangerously again, threatening to come out of Marshall’s hands at any moment. “C-Church, look… P-panties, right? I mean, they’re just panties, right? Isabella isn’t here any more to back us up, so why don’t we just get off here, nice and careful-like, then we can-”
“Marshall, we’re here for revenge. I won’t hesitate to use this cane as a riding crop if you don’t control your filthy little display of cowardice.”
Somewhere, Prudence and Saria, who had been writing their newest fanfiction together, simultaneously shuddered in pleasure.
“Come on, then. Our target’s doing half the bloody work anyway, get on with it.”
Narjala poked her head out the window, and seeing Marshall’s fear, she yanked the rope a little harder this time, eliciting an unmanly scream from the Texan.
“W-we were just leavin’!”
“No we’re bloody not! Are you going to let a woman do all the work, or is that the usual case when the elf bends you over the kitchen table?”
“H-hey, fuck you, Church! It ain’t liaaAAAA!”
In one last great effort, the jinko pulled the three men through the window and into her room, pinning them down in a mess of twisted ropes and limbs.
“Marshall, get- GAH, FUCK!” Church felt the wind taken right out of him as the jinko slammed a fist into his stomach.
“You boys have a lot of fucking nerve coming back here, you know. Now, since I’m a nice kitty, I’ll give you all a chance to explain yourselves. But be warned, if you all try to pull a fast one on me, you’ll never reproduce.” Narjala threatened, claws on full display.
“Ha! You’d be doing me a favoEEEHOUCH!” Church boasted before being socked in the gut again.
“How much do I have to take before you learn how to goddamn behave yourselves? We’ve raided you twice!”
A wicked-looking grin crossed Church’s face. “You know, that sounds a bit familiar, doesn’t it?”
“What? Of course it does! We’ve already done this dance!”
“No, no, not that. I mean, you’re trying to teach a lesson, aren’t you? Put it all to rest once and for all?”
“You know, I think we’re not so different, you and I. All I ever wanted to do was put an end to our troubles… teach them all a lesson in humility.”
“That’s not the same! I-”
“Isn’t it? Your sense of justice has made you as much a thief as I am, my dear.”
Narjala balled her paws into fists, biting her lip.
“I, for one, think that you’re just angry that we’re doing a better job than you are. Maybe our ideals are different, but when you look down deep-” Church stood, approaching the jinko and standing on his toes to whisper. “-our methods all turn out the same, eh? Well, you know what they say. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…”
Church’s grin only widened. “Hmm? What’s wrong, my dear?”
“I am fucking not like you!”
“You say that, but you really ought to search your feelings. They might just end up being true, you know.” He gave a cruel-sounding laugh.
“FUCK OFF! You know what? I’m washing my hands of this whole goddamn thing. I don’t have your stupid shit. Get out of my goddamn dorm room and don’t ever talk to me or my girls ever again.”
“Church, what the hell was all that about? Y’started gettin’ all weird back there.”
“Do you think I should get a cat? A proper one, like a Persian or somesuch.”
“S-sure? I ain’t in charge of your home life. Anyway, I was tryin’ to-”
“-Do you think cats like moustaches? I could wax mine to make it look presentable, of course.”
“Look, I really don’t get where you’re goin’ with this, Church.”
“Just trying to change my image a bit. You know, my grandfather used to wear an eyepatch now and then, and I was thinking I might fancy one myself…”
The Dragon Dorm
Giovanna sat at her desk, looking over the carefully-written notes she’d had a friend make for her. It was a pain in the ass trying to do schoolwork when you didn’t have hands, but she had her pride to keep up. It was less about how hard the classes were, and more about being able to keep up, since she couldn’t write quickly with just foot talons.
The wyvern looked out her window wistfully. She could be out flying right now instead of studying calculus, like the guys in that hot air balloon outside her dorm. Well, at least she was going to have something to do later. Narjala had texted her a few hours ago that she’d gotten hit by those lingerie larcenist guys. She’d told the rest of the girls that this would happen. Well, she still probably had a few days, since apparently they always took a while to-
“HAHA!” A man in a tweed suit who was brandishing a cane like it was a cutlass swung through the window feet-first, tumbling head-over-foot as soon as he landed. He took a minute to dust himself off and stand back up before shouting toward the window, where two men were hanging onto a rope for dear life, one kicking his legs to try and get them closer to the broken window.
Giovanna sighed as the three men finally finished bumbling their way into her room. Already?
Church coughed, then proceeded. “Well then! Tremble in fear, you knockoff dragon!”
“I’m not a knock… Look, is this about that panties thing?”
“Well what the bloody hell else would it be about? As far as I’m aware, coming into rooms through the window would be a bit of a prohibitively expensive hobby, wouldn’t it?”
“Look, I’m not sure what you were expecting, but I don’t have some harebrained plan on what to do with you or anything.”
“I don’t know how the hell I got dragged into this. I didn’t want to have anything to do with this shitshow to begin with.”
“…Well… F-fine! Suits me. I wasn’t expecting much out of a monster anyway.”
Church turned and began none-too-subtly pouting when Marshall cut in. “Wait, y’weren’t part of this?”
“…Narjie just kinda dragged me along and made me look out for anyone coming when they did the big heist.”
“Tiger lady? Come on, you were at her dorm a couple hours ago. Anyway, dunno where your underwear and shit is.”
“AHA! So you were part of this!” Church yelled.
“Uh, kinda? I mean, not-”
“Then we’re kinda taking our vengeance! Chap, plan Gamma.”
The slav hesitated. “Eh, Church… Maybe find something easier?”
“Oh, come now! She’s our sworn enemy!”
Cheslav held up a finger, digging through an old canvas backpack and discarding a few dangerous-looking tools and seemingly random objects, before pulling out an empty peanut butter jar and holding it up for Church’s approval. “Maybe this one is… kinda?”
“Well… Alright, I’ll let you have this one. Go on then, Chap.”
The track-suited man walked over to Giovanna, nodding to her before stuffing her notes into the jar and screwing on the lid.
“Aw, fuckin’… Come on, guys! I need these!” The wyvern snatched the jar away from Cheslav, trying desperately to open the lid with her feet, but not finding any grip.
Church grinned as the wyvern became more and more frustrated, throwing the plastic jar at the floor, only to have it bounce. “You know, Chap, this turned out better than I had thought. Well done.”
“FUCK! C-come on, uh… big guy, you don’t seem like a total prick. Gimme a hand?” She pleaded, gesturing vaguely in Marshall’s direction.
“Well, al-” Marshall was stopped when Church held out his cane.
“What do you think you’re doing, Marshall?”
“Well, I mean, she’s probably learned her lesson, right? I mean, she said she didn’t even really-”
“Absolutely not. We’re not to be crossed, and I’m not in the habit of making exceptions. Think of our reputation, you weak-willed ninny!”
The Texan rubbed the back of his head, looking torn. “Uh… Goddammit, alright. Sorry, missy.”
“Right, back into Lady Lifts-a-Lot, chaps.”
She looked pathetic, trying to open up that jar with the little talons coming out of her wings. He couldn’t just leave her like this, could he? Marshall checked the room quickly. Church and Cheslav were both trying to catch the rope that they had swung in on, and were looking the other way.
He tiptoed over to the wyvern, twisting the lid just a bit to get it started and handing it back to her, a finger pressed to his lips.
All three men sat in the balloon, relaxing as they piloted it back to the hideout. Church leaned back into the basket and spoke up.
“You’re acting like a dead fish with these girls.”
“They stole everything from us, I’ll remind you.”
“Right, it’s just, well…”
“We’re out for vengeance. You might try getting a little more into it, you know.”
“…Okay. Revenge…” Marshall said to himself, harkening back to those saturday morning cartoons he used to watch ‘back at the ranch.’
The Fairy Dorm
“…Are you fucking- Chap, you’re sure it’s the right address, are you?”
“Da, is address pointy-tooth lady writes. Cheslav told you comrade, was-”
“Shut the hell up about the bloody fairies. And why in god’s name are you dressed like that, by the way?”
Cheslav adjusted his bowler hat, briefly exposing the saw blade glued to the underside of the brim. “Thought we were dressing up to scare tiny lady? Cheslav felt left out, so…”
“What? Pff. No? W-why would you think that? I just have… an… eye thing right now…” Church fiddled with his eyepatch momentarily before straightening up. “I’m not sure what the hell Marshall was thinking when he got up this morning, though.”
“What? You said we were goin’ fer revenge! It helps me get into it, alright?” Marshall said, clutching his false moustache and tophat defensively.
“Right, let’s just bloody get on with it. 2105, is it?”
The group strode into the modestly-sized building, searching the rows of the locker-sized rooms until they found the number in question.
Church reached out, lifting the front wall of the dorm room, and an audible click sounded. A few seconds later, a row of dominoes on the floor began to tip over, one-by-one.
“WELL, WELL, WELL. IT SEEMS A FEW LITTLE BOYS HAVE FALLEN INTO MY TRAP.” A particularly small fairy floated down from the rafters, laughing smugly. “It’s too late for you already! Now that you’ve begun this, it can’t be stopped!”
“I, uh… take it you’re Krystal, then?” Marshall said.
“DO YOU NOT RECOGNISE ME?! YOU RUINED ME! MADE ME A MOCKERY AMONGST MY PEERS!”
“YOU TOOK SOMETHING MORE PRECIOUS TO ME THAN ANYTHING!”
“Sorry, uh… Still not catchin’ what yer talkin’ about.”
“MY… My U-underwear…”
“OH. Right. Uh… did we?”
Church scratched his chin. “ I… I think we did? I can’t remember.”
“Da! Did on way back from alps dorm. Church said was too easy, so had to get more before were done.” Cheslav beamed at having remembered.
The fairy stomped in anger, although the gesture was reduced somewhat by the fact she was still hovering several feet above the ground. “I-it doesn’t matter now! I’ve spent months planning my revenge, and now you’ve fallen for my trap! It’s all already over for you!”
Krystal cackled as a candle burnt through a piece of string, causing a ball to roll down a seesaw, tipping over another row of dominoes.
“J-just… just give it a minute and-”
Cheslav nudged Church and Marshall, pointing to some tape on the floor separating off a square labelled ‘splash zone.’
“D-don- That’s nothing! You’re not… I-it doesn’t matter where you are in the room, it’s too late!”
“I’ll hedge my bets, thank you.” Church spat.
A few seconds after the men had stepped out of the marked area, a rain of golf balls came from the ceiling, falling straight into the now-empty box, leaving Krystal fuming.
“DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT TOOK ME TO SET UP? THOSE THINGS ARE HEAVY AS-” The fairy was cut off when Marshall snatched her out of the air, stroking his fake moustache menacingly.
Church laughed, beginning to pace back and forth in front of the captured fairy. “Well, well, well. The shoe’s on the other foot now, isn’t it, you pygmy whore? Now whatever shall we do with you?”
“She nearly crushed us with those deadly golfballs, I say we just take ‘er outside and throw rocks at her! See how she likes it!” Marshall suggested.
Church looked at him, aghast. “Jesus fuck Marshall! What in god’s name is wrong with you?”
“Don’t you what me! We’re noble thieves and you’ve gone off the deep end!”
“I-I just thought that… w-well, we’re tryin’ to be evil, aren’t we?”
“Yes! For god’s sake, do you think I made Prudence adopt a persian cat for no reason? You, on the other hand, might try avoiding the Lord of the Flies route, you wanton psychopath!”
“No buts. Start again.”
Marshall looked down at the fairy awkwardly. “I… Sorry, uh… can ya get me started?”
Krystal huffed. “What are you- If you don’t release me this instant, I’ll make you pay dearly!”
“O-oh, I, uh… I think you’ll need more training to face me, m’dear! …Heh.”
The engine of the train spun around the last curve at breakneck speed, barrelling toward the fairy with the full weight of several coal cars behind it.
“…Are we actually doing this right- OW!”
The model train bounced off Krystal’s side, derailing itself on the small girl.
“Well, are you happy now? Because I’ve got a little secret…” she sat up as well as she could, the plastic tracks lifting up with her. “This was all part of my plan, too!”
“…What are you talking about?” Marshall raised an eyebrow.
“While you were busy with me, my secret network of fairy spies tracked the location of your Russian friend’s pet chicken. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about~”
Cheslav cracked his knuckles, looming over the fairy with an ominous glare in his eyes. “Fairy lady better have not laid tiny finger on Comrade Cluckers.”
Krystal stopped cold, having second thoughts about her plan all of the sudden. “Um… A-actually-”
“Hey Krystal, we got that thing you wanted. You’re holding up your end of the bargain, right?” A fairy coming in through the window asked, a team of fairies behind her carrying in a tray of fried chicken in a styrofoam case.
“U-uh… yeah. Y-you can use my… m-massager. Just be sure to clean it before you return it.”
Cheslav looked at Church, then Marshall. Both of them nodded understandingly. Then, he started to advance on Krystal, cracking his knuckles.
Cheslav shook the fairy angrily, shouting Russian at her. “Don’t you understand not to fucking come here cyka?”
“I-I don’t understand what you’re saying! L-let me go! Please!?”
This angered the Slav. “Nu blyat, fucking answer me! You fucking fried my chicken! Pizdyets, you forget how to speak now, too? Huh?”
He dragged the fairy over to the splash zone full of golf balls, some of the balls still stuck in the bucket, due to it not being tipped over fully.
“You shit your pants now, cyka? Your traps can’t fucking save you this time, blyat!”
“Y-you’re scaring me, s-stop it!” Krystal finally gave up any attempt at squirming free without any help.
“Why do I fucking come here, huh? I fucking raise chickens for you to eat? Blyat!”
Krystal’s train of thought was interrupted by the gopnik bringing her face millimeters away from the golf balls.
“Gaze at your failure of a trap before you’re in orbit cyka! Idi nauhi!”
The fairy struggled to regain her composure. T-they couldn’t see her like this. They weren’t even a threat… right? “D-uh… d-do you expect me to talk, Putinfinger?”
“No, cyka, I expect to fly.”
“Y-you’re not going to actually… right?”
Krystal struggled against the duct tape attaching her to a large bottle rocket.
“Now, now. Would he lie to you?” Church said patronisingly. “Marshall, start pumping, would you?”
“I’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRY!! PLEASEDON’T! ITWASANEIGHTPIECECHICKENFROMKFCISWEAR!!”
The girl began squirming more intensely, trying desperately to free herself.
“Well, you should have thought about that before you crossed-” Church pulled off his eyepatch dramatically, casting it to one side. “-Team Good Old Boys!”
“For fuck’s- Your cue, Chappy boy.”
Cheslav nodded, jumping as high as he could, stomping on the bottle rocket’s pump with both feet, sending the fairy airborne, though landing a disappointing distance away.
“Ahahaaaa! Jolly good fun. I do love a good…er… fairy launching. Come along, lads. We have one last stop.”
“YOU FUCKERS! W-WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DON’T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!”
The fairy’s complaints fell on deaf ears and team Good Ol’ Boys headed off to the final destination.
The Alp Dorm
The three men stood in the well-kept yard of the alp dorm.
“Alright lads, we’ve set the cosmo traps, and mapped out our route. I specifically picked these parts of the dorm because I’m sure an alp who’s insecure about their dwindling masculinity wouldn’t be caught dead in any of these rooms. That is assuming she’s even in the dorm, but she probably isn’t, if Marshall’s observations about her jogging habits are accurate. Now, are there any questions as to what the plan is?”
Marshall and Cheslav looked at one another, shrugging. They had gotten this far, it was time to just go for it and hope for the best.
“Good. Now Chap, you’re the distraction. Once you’ve successfully got their attention, we’ll get to work.”
“Da, one moment.” Cheslav slid down the gutter pipe, strolling casually up to the front door of the alp dorm and knocking.
After a few seconds, a small blonde head with short little horns poking out the top peered out at him.
“Helloooo!~ Welcome to the-” The alp paused, looking at the man intently. “Uhh… have we met before? I have the strangest sense of deja vu…”
“Da! Am Cheslav.”
“Cheslav… where have I heard that name before? It’s so…”
“Were of takings your underwear months ago.”
“O-Oooh! You were that sweet guy that kept us company!” She leaned in and placed a hand on his shoulder. “What the heck are you doing here? You KNOW Ash has it out for you guys… and we can’t exactly protect you either.”
Cheslav looked to either side of himself, and leaned in. “Be not of worryings, dyevushka. Have scared away Dire alp before.”
The alp raised her eyebrows. “Fuckin’ really? I never thought anything could scare her… Are you sure?”
“Cheslav is positive. Will not be problem.”
The alp looked at him incredulously, but eventually shrugged. “Aaalrighty then, well… what do you want to do?”
“Remember last time? Talked about tea party.”
The alp’s wings fluttered. “Oh? I do remember us discussing it briefly…”
“Please, gather alps in parlor. Will be of wonderful times, dyevushka.”
“Uh… my name’s Samantha, actually.” The alp corrected, then wondered if he knew that, and was just assigning some Russian pet name to her. The thought made her swoon a little bit.
“Please pass the Caravan, Cheslav~” One of the alps held out her arm to accept the teapot gracefully.
“Please, be of allowing me.” Cheslav poured the tea.
“Mmmm… by the waaay… how’ve things been?” Another of the alps asked, leaning in a bit closer to Cheslav.
“Ohhh, you know. Have been stealing of many panties. Recently have taken break, though. Just to explore… other opportunities.”
“Oooooohhhh, other opportunities~? Does that mean you’re gonna try out the dating scene?” Several of the other alps in the room inched closer towards him.
“Eeeehhh…” Cheslav scooched away from the alps just a bit. “Have already found nice lady.”
“…Oh.” Several of the alps said in unison, backing off. Not all of them did, however, including the one that was closest to him.
“Oh really? Tell me, what’s she like? What’s her name? What classes does she go to? Is she… allergic to anything?” The alp asked suspiciously.
“…Maaaybe we stop talking about, da?”
“O-ooooh~ maybe you’d rather think about-”
“GRAB HIS DICK!” One of the more excited alps yelled.
Before anything else could be said, a tall, muscular alp bashed the door open in a agitated rush. “What are you faggots doing?! I told you to- to…”
Cheslav began sweating profusely as Ash’s gaze drifted toward him.
“YOU. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE?”
“H-having drink with alp friends?”
The large alp paused.
Was she believing it? Church had said that it was important that his cover wasn’t blo-
A burst of static came out of the walkie-talkie Cheslav had in his pocket.. He slapped his forehead. Had he really forgotten to plug his earpiece in?
This was fine. He could recover this. People have radios! How are you supposed to talk to each other from a long way away without one, anyway? He thought of the policemen back home. They carried radios, and they were perfectly trustworthy!
…On a good day, maybe.
“Chap, where in god’s good fucking name are you? I swear to god, if you’ve forgotten why we’re here and you’re just having a spot of fucking tea with Cock Holliday and the arse bandits, I’m going to-”
“YOU PUSSIES ARE DEAD WHEN I FIND YOU! DEAD!” Ash shouted.
“Eeeeh, time to go.” Cheslav took off, knocking over the tea table and a few of the closer alps in his haste.
“Shit, is that voice who I think it is?” Marshall asked nervously.
“N-no need to panic… M-Marshall! We can st-still salvage this raid. We have the bloody barrels of cosmo up here already for god’s sake. Let’s just dump them before she reaches us! We can mount a rescue for Chap later.”
“Partner, if we don’t save ‘im right now, the only thing that’s gonna be mounted is him.”
Church shuddered at the thought, then grabbed the side of one of the cosmoline barrels. “W-we can burn that bridge when we get to it. J-just be useful for once and help me tip these barrels you lout!”
Marshall groaned, grabbing the barrel Church had and shoved it over with one hand.
The cosmoline cascaded down the wooden steps, coating them in a dark, oily sheen. Church and Marshall stepped back to admire their handiwork.
“Great, let’s see that homosexual harlot get up here now. Come, Marshall. No time to faff about.” Church stormed off in the direction of what was obviously Ash’s room, if the masculine decor on her door was any indication.
“Really? She’s gotta be at least in her 20’s and she still has a keep out sign on her door? And what is that… the biohazard symbol?” Marshall commented, grabbing the knob and testing it. Locked.
“Well, she did have a bellend and some boys at one point. She’s probably still in denial.”
“I wonder if Ash turned recently…”
“With how much her… assets have developed? God I hope not.” Church pulled out a hairpin from his pocket, and carefully slid it into the doorknob. “Now step aside for the master of unlocking, I watched that youtube tutorial at least twice.”
Cheslav struggled in Ash’s grip.
How could he have possibly gotten caught?
…Well, he had tried to do a flip to get over that table.
“Now then, you little goplet, whatever am I going to do with you~?” She crooned, bringing
him up to eye level and staring into his eyes.
Cheslav cleared his throat. Maybe there was one last card he could play… “Eeeeh… me not speak Angliskii.”
Ash rolled her eyes. “Oh please, that’s not going to work. And don’t think you can ‘scare’ me off like you did last time, ‘cause now your chicken isn’t here to save you~”
Cheslav’s previously racing mind came to a halt. What did she just say? Chicken? He thought back to the cold morning that he intimidated her. Comrade Cluckers had been there, hadn’t he? But what did that mean? What did she know about Comrade Cluckers? He had to find out, but first he needed to escape. For that, he had one final trump card.
As Ash turned to spit on the floor in anger, Cheslav activated his final form. Pressing a button on his belt, two full litres of cosmoline erupted from his clothes, greasing him just enough to writhe free of her grip and make a speedy escape by bellysliding across the floor like a gopnik seal.
“HEY! GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKER!” Ash yelled, beginning to chase after him, but almost immediately getting caught up on the oil slick he had left behind.
Church let out a final grunt, finally managing to break the lock off the door with his cane, his breathing labored. “There… we are. See? Lockpicking’s… no big deal. Whew.”
“Whatever ya say, Church.” Marshall carefully pushed the now busted door open, revealing a surprisingly masculine room, with dumbbells in one corner and a Gaystation 69 in the other. The walls were lined end-to-end with bodybuilders giving out inspirational quotes.
Upon closer examination, most of these quotes were also kind of… homoerotic in nature.
“Seize the day, grab life by the balls and don’t let go ‘til it submits.”
“Get huge, stay huge, live huge, die huge.”
“Any doubts? Beat them the hell off.”
“I know they have to be gay, but good lord. Let’s not stay here any longer than we need to, we might catch some of whatever disease causes this. Now, if I were a secret stash of stolen trophies…” Church began snooping around the room, with Marshall keeping watch outside.
“Y’reckon she put ‘em under her bed?”
“Of course! The bed! It’s so obvi-” Church reached under the bed, grabbing something that felt like the handle of a bag. “-ous?”
“Uh, you found ‘em?”
“What in god’s name is-?” Church began pulling out what looked like some sort of pipe or-
It was a two-foot long dildo with flames on the side. Church made something between a feminine scream and a gag, dropping the oversized plastic horsecock in disgust.
“Oh lordy. …Talk about ‘Gettin huge and stayin’ huge.’” Marshall mumbled, scratching the back of his head uncomfortably.
Just then, Cheslav burst through the door, eyes wild. “Comrades, must-!”
“GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING GOPLET! YOUR ASS IS- FUCK!” Hitting a particularly big puddle of cosmoline as she entered the room, Ash slid straight through and hit the wall.
“C-COMRADE CHURCH, THINK WE SHOULD BE-”
“Ah, good thinking, Chap! Keep her distracted and we’ll keep at it. Come on then, Marshall, we don’t want his heroic sacrifi-er, valiant effort to be in vain, eh?”
The two men continued digging through Ash’s personal effects as Ash and Cheslav continued slipping and sliding everywhere, slamming into every item of furniture in the room at least once as the dire alp chased after the gopnik in a blind rage.
Church’s eye twitched angrily the second time his fingers were nearly slammed in the drawer he was looking in when two-hundred fifty pounds of alp smashed into his working space.
“For god’s… will you bloody keep her out of the way? We’re running out of places to look!”
Cheslav’s only response was a ragged groan as he just barely slipped through Ash’s grip once again.
“Church, d’ya really reckon he’s gonna last much longer in here? We oughta give him a hand.”
“What? Pish-posh, look at him. He’s born for this kind of-”
Midway through his sentence, Church was cut off when Cheslav dashed up the wall and tried to flip over Ash’s head, sending him crashing into her nightstand as he bounced off her shoulder.
Everybody in the room winced as a lamp came tumbling down, smashing against the cosmo-coated ground and setting a small patch on fire that began to grow alarmingly fast.
Ash froze, finally shaken out of her rage. “Oh, fffffffucc-”
She turned around, finding the men already gone.
The three men had made it halfway down the stairs when Ash finally caught up.
“HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO BURN A FUCKING DORM TO THE GROUND?!” She shouted, visibly pulsing with rage.
“We did? You’re the one who sent poor, helpless Chap here flying into your bloody lamp!” Church said, patting the man’s oily shoulder and immediately regretting it. “And that’s to say nothing of our bloody collection! You’ve damned us both!”
“How can you say that when Mister Big and Tall is burning in there, all alone!?”
“Who in god’s name is… Oh. OH FUCKING LORD NO.”
“DON’T YOU DARE TALK SHIT ABOUT MR. BIG AND TALL, YOU FUCKING SOYBOY!” Ash’s fist shot out, narrowly missing Church’s head.
“Blasted fruit! You asked for it!” Church swung his cane at Ash, only for her to grab it effortlessly and break it over her knee.
Church yelped, cowering behind Marshall. “A-alright, you’ve forced my hand! G-g-get ‘er, Marshall, won’t you?”
“I think the fuck NOT!!” Marshall stepped aside, once again leaving Church right out in the open.
Ash scoffed. “Haha! I knew he wouldn’t raise a hand against me, it’s because he secretly likes me, but w-we were never meant to be!”
Marshall sighed, he had had it up to here with this girl’s weird pseudo-crush on him, it was time to set her straight. “Look. I get it. I’m the least crazy of the bunch. But… even if I fancied ya, which I don’t, I kinda already have Sa-s-someone.”
Ash stared at him for a few seconds, then suddenly advanced on him, grabbing both of his hands a little too hard. “I-it’s okay, y-you don’t know what you’re saying. The smoke’s getting to your head, I know it’s getting to mine~ HAHA! A-anyway, we’re all probably going to die in this fire, the least you can do before we all perish is satisfy me…”
“W-wait, waitaminnit! I d-didn’t consent! A-am I being detained!?” Marshall struggled, but all those gains were too much for the poor cowpoke. She already had his shirt off and was fumbling with his zipper.
But before Ash could deliver the final ‘blow,’ an ominous cluck sounded behind Ash, who turned slowly, sweating furiously. “N-No… it couldn’t be…”
Silhouetted in the quickly-expanding flames, Comrade Cluckers pecked at the floor in challenge, prompting the dire alp to gasp.
Ash backed away, the chicken taking a few threatening steps forward before turning to the men, nodding before making a turning back to Ash..
“Y-you! The last time we met, you gave me THIS!” She shouted, pointing a thumb at the scar running across her eye. “I’ve trained! Every. Single. Day! You won’t get the better of me this time! I’m not weak any more!”
Marshall coughed uncomfortably. “Uh… This is gettin’ kinda weird for me. Maybe we could take this out-”
“No! Comrade Marshall, Comrade Cluckers, he says… h-he says…” Cheslav wiped away a tear, sniffling. “We… we run, he will take care of angry vagenis.”
“I mean, alright but… Hey, Church, wh- Goddammit.” Church was already halfway down the stairs, looking at Marshall like he was handicapped.
The men made it outside, the flames now billowing out of the window. A crowd of the dorm’s residents, less the dire alp, were gathered outside.
Church leaned on his cane, watching the fire lick the side of the building as Cheslav stood next to him, tearily saluting toward where Comrade Cluckers was (presumingly) locked in mortal combat with Ash.
“FELLAS WHAT THE FUCK, THERE’S PEOPLE IN THERE, WE SHOULD BE-” Marshall was interrupted when Ash was thrown bodily out of a window, landing in a bush. He ran over, getting to her just as she rose.
“Aw fuck, are you al-”
“He… H-he saved me…” The dire alp said, in a daze.
“That… That mighty… wonderful beast…”
“The… Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? The chicken?”
Ash wasn’t even paying attention any more. She turned up to the window, where a cluck sounded before a massive explosion shook the ground and blew flames out of the few remaining windows.
“Is that? Fuckin’… Is anyone even seein’ this shit?!” Cheslav walked over patting Marshall on the shoulder.
“Comrade Cluckers is in… better place now. Also is nuggets.”
“…You know what? Sure. Fine, I don’t care. Talkin’ chicken? Entire dorm explodin’? Whatever.”
“Well. Er. Guess that’s that, then, eh lads?” Church said.
“Da.” Cheslav replied.
There was a long, awkward pause as the men looked around.
“We get drinks now, comrades?”
“Oh, you bet your arse we are.”
Church woke up in a daze, the rest of the raiders also sprawled in awkward positions around the clubhouse. His neck was killing him from sleeping in his chair all night. Judging from the three empty bottles of gin sitting on the table in front of him, he… may have overdone it somewhat last night.
He lifted Prudence’s head off his lap and laid her on the ground before stumbling to the toilet.
Marshall yawned, stretching out his arms, which made a small elf tumble off his chest. “Aw, shit, sorry, Saria.”
The girl groaned, trying to crawl back onto him and failing to get anywhere. Looking around, Marshall noticed the rest of the gang slowly waking up and blinking the sleep out of their eyes, except for Church, who had already gotten up and was furiously scribbling on a piece of paper.
“Half past one, actually. I’ve got two hours to finish this paper I haven’t started yet.”
Prudence, who had been laying peacefully on the floor, using Church’s jacket as a pillow, suddenly shot upright. “Oh! M-Master! Did you want some-”
The man grimaced. “For god’s sake, Prudence, would you avoid shouting?”
“O-oh, I’m sorry… Would you like some tea, Master?”
An hour and a pot of tea later, the raiders had managed to wake up and straighten themselves out enough to sit around the table, though Church was still desperately writing onto whatever papers he could find lying around, Prudence standing dutifully behind him.
“…So, uh… hell of a night.” Marshall began, not sure what to say.
Saria, who was sitting on his lap, leaned into him, grinning. “I’ll say. I didn’t know you could be so firm, Marshie~”
“Uh… I meant…”
Cheslav poked his head out from around Natasha, who had also jealously sat down on his lap. “Comrade Church was… eh… cannot think of word.”
“More drunk than any man or monster has right to be?” Natasha huffed.
Prudence stepped forward indignantly. “D-don’t blame Master! He… he’s been through a lot!”
“I mean, blowin’ up everything…” Marshall sighed. “So, uh… Who’re we hittin’ first again?”
Prudence hiked up her skirt and began to bend over when Church sighed. “Prudence.”
The kikimora froze.
“I know precisely what you’re up to, so pull your pants back up this bloody instant.” He leaned back a little, putting the pen down and grinning. “The answer is as simple as pie, Marshall.”
“So… Alphabetical or chronological?”
“For god’s- Look, you dunces, we’re done!”
Prudence’s face blanched. “N-no! Master, don’t tell me you’re broken again!”
“What? No! Do you know what it meant when that oversized fruit blew up her dorm to keep us from a massive pile of our hard-earned gains- in front of so many people?”
The room was silent.
“We’re more fucking famous than we could hope for in our wildest dreams! I couldn’t have possibly dreamt up a better publicity stunt than that! And we kicked the living shit out of her after she pissed herself over a chicken! Three dozen more damned raids couldn’t get us that!”
“So we’ve finally taught those damned harlots who’s in charge here! I’m a living god damned legend! There’s going to be copycats! The weak will tremble at our coming! There’s not a woman around who’d dare try their luck at raping us now!”
“Uh, Church… I think that’s more ‘cause o’ the girlfri-”
“Nonsense, boys! We’ve done it! Hand me that bottle of gi-” Church cringed, then sat back down, holding his head. “…er, never mind, actually. I don’t remember much, but that’s certainly how last night began.”
Prudence was nearly panting at her Master’s show of bravado. She walked around the table to face him, her hips swaying. “M-Master?”
Church had begun writing again, and didn’t bother looking up. “Yes, what is it?”
Prudence put her leg up on the table, biting her lip. “What are you doing right now? I mean, really?”
“My bloody homework. I think I’ve gone over this.”
The kikimora ran a hand up her thigh, sighing gently. “You know, I think I know a way to get rid of that nasty headache of yours~”
The man locked eyes with her, and she nearly melted. “Well. I think step one of a cure might be having maids’ feet off my sodding table.”
The girl bashfully pulled her leg down, but leaned in, resting her chest on the table. “But Maaaster~ Shouldn’t we celebrate? I mean, last night was… well…”
“Good lord you’re needy. Will you at least clear your damned bits off my workspace?”
Prudence pouted a little, running her finger in a circle on the tabletop. “C-can we do it after? Saria and Natasha got to do it with their boyfriends…”
Saria looked pleased with herself, smirking at Natasha, who was desperately trying to cover up the fact she was blushing.
Church looked up again, trying to stare down the unflinching kikimora. “Fucking- look. You need to shut up, so imagine I just said whatever’s going to make you do that.”
“R-really?!” she lifted her hands to her face, delighted. “This really is the best day of my whole life!”
“Keep in mind that I didn’t say that I would.” Church moved his eyes back down to the paper, but glanced back up again. “Have you started wearing an engagement ring, Prudence?”
Church felt a little conflicted. Why? It wasn’t his business what she got up to. Still, it… stung somehow that he hadn’t even heard about it. She was his maid, wasn’t she?
“Well, er, congratulations, I suppose.”
“I mean… proposing right on my birthday and… I couldn’t say no!”
“I said that’s good for you, let’s move on.”
“But Master!” Prudence dashed around, grabbing both of his hands. “You were so romantic! A-and you even stole a ring for me, right then and there!”
She looked down at the ring on her left hand again, tearing up. “…and it’s the p-prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, too…”
Church slowly brought his gaze down, looking at the kikimora’s hands, and then his own. Sure enough, his signet ring had been moved to his left hand to match Prudence’s.
In perfect sync, Saria and Natasha spun around, giving expectant stares to their boyfriends.
END OF STORY