Chapter 10: N-no homo, right?
“So… why’re we stayin’ at the clubhouse, again?”
“Well, we can’t trust our dorms any more, so we need to watch each other’s backs. I’m not letting my underwear fall into the wrong hands, again.”
“Riiiight. So, uh… What’re we gonna do ‘bout sleepin’ here?”
“Well, there’s only one comfortable chair, so unless you plan on having me sit in your lap, we’ll have to take turns, won’t we?”
“Yeah, that’d be a little… gay, wouldn’t it?”
“Of course it would be, you oaf.”
An awkward moment passed between the two, unsure about how to continue.
“Soooo… Uh… Say, what was with that gay thing at the dorm earlier? Ain’t nothin’ wrong with long island iced teas, y’hear?”
“Oh, I’ll believe it when I see it. Maybe you should try drinking something meant for men sometime.”
“The hell do you think a manly drink is, then, prissy boy?”
“A dry martini, of course. Shaken, not stirred.”
Marshall scoffed at him. “Oh, sure, Mr. Bond. Tell ya what, I’ll try your stupid drink if you try mine. It ain’t so stupid once you’ve had a sip.”
“Fine, then. I just hope I don’t alp from having that kind of trash in my body.”
A few minutes later, the two men sat down at the table and swapped drinks.
“Hope this ain’t as horrible as your tea.” Marshall said, gulping down a mouthful.
“At least it still is tea, you tasteless man.” Church took a more measured sip, judging the taste. They sat in silence a moment before Church broke the silence. “Well, it’s not… bad. I suppose. Er, I’d rather have mine back, though, if it’s all the same to you.”
“Uh, yours is pretty good too. Here, I’ll take that iced tea back.” Church took a sip of his martini, and Marshall stopped. “Hang on, ain’t this like one of them, uh, indirect kisses?”
“Oh, who cares? We’re not some kind of petty women. We’re straight, upstanding, strapping chaps.”
“Look, the only chaps I got are some- Hang on, if you don’t care about this kissin’ thing, why’d you get all riled up back at that dorm?”
“Well, I… A man’s allowed to be nervous, isn’t he? You were awfully close to my face.”
“Yeah, I guess… But, uh, what if we need to do this fake-out thing again? Vomitin’ might not work with ‘em next time.”
Church glanced up from the table, fiddling with the martini glass. “…Are you saying we practice?”
“Well, I mean, if’n that’s gonna be what works…”
Church looked away, his face turning red. “…Fine. But it’s only for the plan, alright?”
“Uh… ‘course, Church.”
Marshall pressed in closer, grabbing Church’s chin. “Kyaa, Marshmallow, what’re you-”
Then Church gets cut off by a kiss. Like, a super deep one, and when they break off, they give each other bedroom eyes, like ‘take my ass, cowboy!’
Marshall whips out his mare’s leg, and I’m not talking about the gun, if you know what I mean.
“Yeah, but then Church gets hard, and then his pants burst off because it’s so big, like BAM!”
“Yeah, and then Marshall gets hard, and it’s like… even bigger! And then he lifts Church’s legs over his head and-”
“But suddenly, Church teleports behind Marshall and jams that big horsecock up his ass and uses him like an onahole!”
“But… Uh… Marshall’s dick like, loops around and they’re like a buttsex ouroboros, and there’s just cum everywhere!”
Prudence wiped a strand of drool from her chin, then patted her thighs clean with a handkerchief, while Saria tried desperately to staunch a massive nosebleed.
After a few minutes of trying to calm down, Saria spoke up, her voice still a little shaky. “I-I think that was the best one yet! I mean… w-wow. You got that all down, right?”
Prudence rubbed her thighs together, writing down a few last sentences in a notebook. “I got most of it… There was a little part in the middle there, where, um…”
“K-’kay. You’ll send me the copies, right?”
“Still ‘gush1ngxXxth1gh5xXx69’ right? Are you ever gonna change that username?”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, ‘The-Lusty-Kiki-Maid’. At least I made mine when I was 12.”
“S-shut up, it’s witty, okay? I’m going to get some tea for us. I’m feeling, uh… dehydrated.”
A few minutes later, Prudence carried out a pot of strawberry tea to Saria, who had started to read the newest addition to the Rape Fantasies anthologies, volume 32.
“Oh! Thanks. So, uh… Are you gonna ask Church about that dorm thing any more?” Saria asked.
“Well, I mean, obviously I want to… But, well… Master usually gets the wrong idea about that kind of thing when I ask. Or he just ignores me as usual.” Prudence drooped a little as she sat, pouting.
“I-I’ll try to get some of the juicy details out of Marshie, if that helps any! C’mon, you’ll get through to him eventually. He can’t ignore that sexy ass of yours forever! Uh, no homo.”
The kikimora rested her face against the table letting out something halfway between a sigh and a frustrated scream. “But I’ve known him since middle school, Saria! They even started paying me at his parents’ house because I was over there doing maid work so often!”
“Hey, c’mon… He’s at least paying some attention to you, like bossing you around and stuff… I don’t even get invited to come when Marshall goes places! It keeps seeming like things are going well, but then he starts ignoring me again! Like, I’ve been having to tie myself- uh, well… More like doing research…”
Prudence sniggers at the mention of ropes. “I guess, but at least Marshall can do that for you. I guess it was kinda cute how hard Master was concentrating when he was trying to do me that one time…”
“Hey, that’s it! You’ve just gotta get it going the other way around, show him what it’s like to get tied up properly.”
“Uh… You think he’d actually like that? I mean, I’d kinda rather have him do it to me, but…”
“Yeah, girl, go for it! Just get all dressed up in leather and you’ll have to restrain him so he’ll keep his hands off you!”
“Well, I guess I could try it sometime, but… You look way better in it than me, especially with Marshall doing it. N-no homo.”
The elf laid a hand on Prudence’s shoulder. “No, no… Like, think about it, Prue! You’ve got him wrapped up all tight in a nice, romantic room, and he struggles a bit because he’s nervous, but he’s all yours, and he couldn’t get away even if he wanted. No more ignoring you, because it’s like… Just the two of you in the whole world.”
Prudence’s knees started shaking a little. “O-oh god… That’s, uh… W-wow. I guess… M-maybe… Master… Aaah.” She bit her lip, staring into nothing.
“When I think about Marshall and me doing that… It always gets me wound up, eheh…” Saria rubbed her thighs together. “Do you want me to show you some… stuff I learned?”
“YES! Um, I mean, if it’s not any trouble…”
Saria jumped up and dashed off to her bedroom, shouting over her shoulder. “Okay! I got these ropes in last week off the internet, and I was hoping to try them out! Marshie was talking about wanting some silk rope, and I mean, he probably has some, but what if he doesn’t? So I grabbed some myself, and…”
She dashed back out of her room, carrying a small duffel bag impressively full of various toys, ropes and other paraphernalia. She held out a coil of green rope to the kikimora. “Feel this! It’s nice, right?”
“Oh! It’s… kind of nice, isn’t it? Should I get some? I mean, I wouldn’t want to be too rough with Master. Well, at least the first time…”
“I could lend it to you, if you want, I’d just have to, uh… clean it up a bit. Anyway, let’s start with my ankles, come over here.”
About an hour was spent with experimenting, tying and retying until Saria laid immobile on her couch.
“T-that’s… Ooooh, yeah. C-can you call me a ‘Lil’ lady’? A-and try to do the accent, if you can…”
Prudence, standing over the elf, cleared her throat. “Um… Er, y-y’all snug up there, little lady? Because you’re- I mean yer’ all mine, now, sweetie.”
A moment of silence passed before the pair started giggling.
“Pff, come on, that’s your cowboy impression? Church could have done better!”
“Well sorry, I didn’t know it was a test! Besides, I try to speak properly for Master. …Do you want me to untie you now?”
Saria squirmed in her bonds, finding them difficult to slip out of. “Uh, well… Could you… Maybe just leave me like this all night? Oh! You could put in a gag, too, and-”
“Um, let’s not go that far. I-I guess I’ll put the movie on, if you’re serious about leaving you like that.”
The elf nodded vigorously, then paused. “Uh, Prue? Could you do one more thing? I… N-no homo, but… Could you get me a towel? I got a bit caught up in… Well, I mean, the impression wasn’t that good, but I got to thinking about it, and… It’s kind of uncomfortable.”
“Sure, ‘Lil’ Lady’.”
“O-oh, fuck off…”
Marshall was roused from his slumber by his ringtone. Who was calling him at… six in the morning?
“H’lo? Who the sam hell is this?”
“Comrade Marshall, thank Mikhail you are awake. Church was not of answerings.”
“Cheslav? What’s going on, is everything okay?”
“Not sure, spotted stranger near truck. Stranger is not leaving, appears to not be human? We investigate, da?”
“Why not just go yerself?”
“Strange monster has wings and demon tail. Could have magic, would not be good idea to confront without backup.”
“Shit, some kinda demon? Alright, I’ll drag Church along too. You just keep an eye on ‘em.” Marshall hung up, then shook Church’s leg.
“Nnnnnwwwhat is it?” He mumbled, barely awake.
“Cheslav’s got a strange monster hanging around his truck, we need to go back him up.”
Church swung his arms around, like a child who didn’t want to get up for school yet. “Five more minutes?”
“No, partner. We’re going to help him ‘cause he’s our friend. Now get your stupid jacket on, it’s chilly out there.”
Church groaned, pulling himself up and getting ready to go.
The sun wasn’t quite out yet, but the slightest glimpse of bright purple to the east signified that dawn was approaching. Marshall exhaled a cloud of vapor, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. It was too early for this shit.
“Church, quit leanin’ on me. I know you’re tired, but lean on that trash can if you’re really that tired.”
“Uuuhhgh, why did I let you talk me into this? We don’t even have any classes until evening, I could have just left you and Chap to deal with this.”
“Comrades.” Uttered a soft yet familiar voice.
Marshall and Church turned their heads, Cheslav beckoning them to follow him. Was it really necessary to be so quiet? Perhaps this intruder had sensitive hearing, better safe than sorry.
“There she is, Cheslav finds out she is lady, and probably as tall as Cheslav.” He pointed at a shadowy figure, sitting on the back of his truck.
“Well shit, ya think we should call campus security?”
“Cheslav thinks should at least talk first. Perhaps girl is merely lost.”
“I don’t know, she looks pretty confident where she is, I agree with Marshall’s suggestion. Let’s call campus security, then go back home.” Church added, squinting his eyes at the shadowy figure.
“Marshall, be of followings, comrade. If I give signal, Church will call campus security. Good plan, da?” Cheslav asked, demonstrating a hand signal for Church to watch out for.
“Sounds good to me, just hurry up and take care of this. I want to go back to bed.”
Cheslav and Marshall nodded, slowly approaching the mysterious monster. They took on a casual stroll, trying to make themselves look as nonthreatening as possible.
As they got closer, they began to notice this girl was rather lightly clad for the weather. She wore a navy blue jogging bra and matching mesh shorts. She had jet black hair, fair skin, a large scar on her face, and noticeable muscles. Her spaded tail curled around a water bottle, her wings lay casually against the back of the truck, and her short horns curved forward, like a succubus. Judging by her attire, it looked like she was in the middle of a morning jog.
“Hey, ya waitin’ for someone?” Marshall asked, breaking the uneasy silence between them.
“Y-yeah, I was waiting for you guys! ‘B-bout time you showed up if you ask m-me!” She had a very tomboyish voice, and she sounded like she was freezing.
“Why are you looking for us? We ain’t exactly hard to spot on campus.”
“Because I c-can’t discuss this in p-p-public!”
“Well you got us here, so what do ya want?” Marshall was getting impatient.
“F-for too long have alps been the b-bully bait of choice. We aren’t i-inherently strong, or able to use much magic, and have p-pullable tails, and sensitive horns, a-and we probably couldn’t escape if even a m-moderately fit human were to tie us up, s-s-so we would have to take the abuse and squeal while they had their way with us… a-and-”
“Alright, stop! That’s enough. We get it, alps are tired of bein’ picked on. So what? Ya don’t exactly look helpless yerself. You must work out a lot to get a body like that.”
She blushed, grabbing her arm. “Y-you mirin’ brah? Yeah, I hit the gym f-five days a week, and it takes a high p-protein diet in order to get these kind of g-gains, you wanna feel?” She flexed her arm, inviting Marshall to touch it.
After an awkward moment, she slapped her own face, snapping herself out of it. “C’mon, Ash, you can’t let yourself get this flustered over him!”
She paused, a profoundly blank look on her face. “Uhh, yes! It is I, the mastermind behind you guys’ underwear disappearing!”
‘Shit.’ Ash thought, ‘Dropped my name too early.’
“Well this makes things mighty easy, I reckon. If you return at least most of what you stole, I’ll…” Marshall racked his brain, what could he offer that this girl might be interested in… “Go to the gym with you or somethin,’ I don’t fuckin’ know.”
Ash scooted forward, her wings subtly spreading wider. “G-go to the g-gym together? Like a d-d-date?” Wow, she’d never been on a… date before. She couldn’t help but turn red at the-
No, NO! Damn this cowboy and his smooth talking.
“N-no! I’m trying to send a message here, dammit! I’m Ash, the Dire Alp that won’t take shit from anybody!”
“The hell is a Dire Alp?” Marshall asked.
“Oh, you don’t know? Dire alps are like alps…” She leaned in closer, “…but dire.”
“Right, and here I thought you were a threat, but you’re just a plus-sized alp.”
Ash clenched her fist, scooting off the truck to stand up. “Y-you better watch yourself, o-or else I’ll…”
“You’ll do what?” Marshall folded his arms.
“I’ll… s-steal all your gains!”
Marshall sighed. “Look, you’ve been out in this here lot for a while, and I’m startin’ to think you were planning on keyin’ up my friend’s truck or something. I don’t care if you’re a dire pretty boy. Unless you get outta here, we’re gonna have to call campus security.”
“Pfft, go on, c-call them. They can’t un-key your t-truck.”
“Step away from blyat machine, or else Cheslav will pickle in cosmoline and sell to russian Hannibal Lecter.” Cheslav stepped forward, having to look up in order to look Ash in the eyes. Comrade Cluckers poked his head from under Cheslav’s hat, glaring at Ash as well.
Ash paused, gently placing her hand on her scar before backing up. “T-this isn’t over, we will meet again!” With that, she started to jog away, leaving the truck unscathed.
“Haha! We scared ‘er off, Cheslav!” Marshall beamed, giving his friend a high five.
“Cheslav has finally scared monster off! He is now true man! Must call and tell babushka!” Cheslav took out his cellphone and dialed her number.
“Beep, nobody is home, KGB go away please and thank.”
“Babushka? Is Cheslav!”
“Oh? Thank stars! How is favorite grandson faring?”
“Babushka! Cheslav has scared demon lady! Finally become true man, can still see running away!”
“Why, is great news! Babushka is so proud of you, now… how is great grandchildren coming along? Has Cheslav put pirozhki in dead lady oven yet?”
Cheslav started to sweat. “Eeeehhh… oy b-blin! KGB has severed wire again! Am losing connection SCKRRRR love you babushka SCKKKRRRR!” He abruptly hung up.
“Alright, I’m going back to bed. Hey Church! Wanna come back to the- oh.” Looking back, he saw Church had fallen asleep against the lamp post.
Later That Day…
Church, last to make it to the clubroom, dashed in, a grin plastered on his face. “Have you heard the rumours yet? I’ve been wandering around campus all day, and it’s all anyone can even talk about! We’re so fucking famous!”
Prudence hopped up with glee, bouncing alongside Church. “Did you see it, Master!? They even mentioned us in the editorial section of the school paper!”
He laughed maniacally. “Seen it? I’ve already got a snippet hung above my bed, you daft woman!”
Marshall and Cheslav looked at each other, then grinned. “Well, y’know, I reckon we did a pretty good job on them jinkos. Didn’t even hafta have sex with any of ‘em.”
“Da, also scare away fire alp, thanks to Cheslav.” The man swelled with pride, straightening his tracksuit. “Am big, also scary. True strong man now. Babushka say so when tell.”
Church stopped bouncing. “Wait, the hell is a fire alp?”
“Dire. He meant dire alp.” Marshall cut in.
“Well what the hell’s that, then?”
“Like an alp but… tall? No, it was… Shit, she looked strong, anyway.”
“S-she wasn’t… How tall was she? Are you saying she was tall for an alp?”
“Yeah, I think she was an inch or two taller than you?”
Church collapsed into a chair, muttering to himself. “R-right. Why would I care? I mean, I’m precisely average height. J-just perfect! I’m not even the shortest of us! Chap’s much shorter than I am! Heh. Right Prudence? I’m fine!”
Oh, god, Master was doing it again. “O-of course! You’re practically gigantic! I-in more than one way, too!”
“I’m not Marshall. The least you can do is not call me fat.”
“Wait, I didn’t mean- I was talking about your c-”
Church stood up, revitalised. “Well, whatever. We’ve triumphed!”
Marshall tried to butt in before the conversation got too far away from him. “Hang on, Church, what was that last comment about me bein’-”
“SOON! Soon the whole school will know our names! Our might!”
Everyone gave each other a few glances, watching Church proudly strut around the room to the best of his ability with his cane, continuing what he imagined to be a rousing speech.
“Look at our wall of triumph! We’ve made it so far! One day, every dorm will quake in fear, knowing we’ve already taken from them easily!”
A few pleased-sounding murmurs came from the group, mostly from Prudence, and judging their reactions, he continued.
“The jinkos are already done! We’ve shown we’re nothing to be trifled with!”
A small cheer came from the kikimora, making Marshall jump a little.
“We’ll continue our momentum further forward!”
“Let’s get them, Master!”
“We’ll topple the powerful until the rest are too afraid to oppose us!”
“We’re the best, Master!”
“NEXT! WE TAKE THE HELLHOUNDS!”
“Yea- OH, GOD, PLEASE MASTER, DON’T DO IT!”
“Yeah! What the hell’re you thinkin’ Church! I ain’t lookin’ to die!”
“No! It’ll be easy! So easy! They’re probably already quaking in whatever the hell they use for boots!”
“But… hellhounds not nice. Angry dog ladies on fire! Actually!”
“I know, hellhounds have a nasty reputation. However, I’ve planned this raid for a long time, actually.” Church pulled out a folded up parchment from inside his jacket. “This is a list of things we will need, Chap. We’re making this happen in two days, just after midnight. With how much infamy we’ve gathered, they will probably be expecting us. We might be facing a small army of wound-up hellhounds if we do a day raid, so, night is a better option.”
“But Church, I reckon they’d expect a night raid, since they ain’t nocturnal and they would probably figure out that we usually raid when the dorm in question is the least active.”
“Oh, Marshall, you’ve underestimated my wit once again.” Church smirked. “Of course I anticipated the hellhounds to anticipate my actions, but since they aren’t nearly as simple minded as kobolds, they would anticipate my anticipation and expect a day raid! Well, I’m too smart for that, so of course a night raid is the safest bet.”
“So you’re anticipatin’ on them anticipatin’ your… anticipation?” Marshall scratched his head.
“In order to be a genius like me, Marshall, you have to have plans within plans.”
Cheslav looked at the list. “Hot dogs?”
“Yes, among other things. Hellhounds may be guardians of the underworld, but they’re still dogs at heart. Distracting them will be easy.”
“Cheslav is still not sure, won’t angry dog ladies hear us as soon as set foot in dorm?”
“Oh, no need to be so worried, Chap. If you can scare off a dire alp, you can scare off anyone!” Church reassured.
Cheslav pondered for a minute, then his face brightened up. “Right, Cheslav is true man now! True men not afraid of angry dog ladies!”
“There’s a good lad! Come on, we have plans to make, and plans within plans to plan in case our plans are outplanned!”
Marshall and Prudence didn’t share Chelsav and Church’s enthusiasm.
“Say, Prudence?” Marshall turned his head to face her.
“Yeah, Marshall?” Prudence nervously wrung her apron.
“For what it’s worth, it was nice knowin’ ya.”
“Y-you mean you’re actually going to… go with them!?”
“What choice do I got? I ain’t about to just leave them to their fate, and I don’t think there’s any convincing them to back off now.” Marshall sighed. “I guess it could be worse, y’know.”
Prudence whimpered, she didn’t want to just let them dive headfirst into the wolf’s den, but what could she do?
Marshall trailed behind his friends as they strode up the stairs to the hellhound dorm. Church was as confident as always, with a sack of ‘tools’ over his shoulder, and Cheslav had been suckered into not worrying the instant Church had mentioned how he’d scared off Ash.
“I don’t feel right about this, like, someone could be followin’ us already! Like… God damn it, Church, I hear their wombs can burn your dick!” Marshall hissed, trying not to make enough noise to attract attention.
“Oh, come on, you petulant child. We’ve hit the jinkos. We’ve dealt with the hinezumi. It’s just like a fusion of the two, and besides that, they’ll practically all be asleep anyway! It’s the middle of the night! We go to the laundry room and we’ll be in and out in a few minutes at most.”
“Look, I’m just sayin’ that-”
“Not worry, comrade Marshall, Cheslav will deal with dog ladies if come.” The slav stuck out his chest as he spoke, grinning.
Defeated, Marshall grumbled as they searched the perimeter of the building for any lights or entry points.
“…So then fuckin’ queen bitch pokes me with her tailpussy and I get so pissed that my goddamn test caught fire! I was halfway done the son of a bitch!”
“Why’s Marcy such a cunt, anyway?” The second hellhound took a sip of her beer, belching fire and scorching the wall. One of the hellhounds applauded her.
“She never gets laid, that’s why.” Another hellhound added, knocking back a shot of whiskey.
The laughs of the group were interrupted by a man in a pith helmet rolling in through an open window behind one of the vending machines down the hall, who began looking around wildly.
“…Y’lost, boyo?” One of the assembled girls asked.
“Uh… I…” Church slowly looked around the room. “…T-this isn’t the campus bookstore!”
“What? No shit, Dr. Livingstone.”
Church paused only a moment before he laughed loudly. “That’s right, you’ve seen through me, haven’t you? You’re correct! It is I!”
“…Y’gonna, like, give us a name to go with that, or…?”
“Ey, Church! Can we come in, yet?” Marshall yelled from outside.
“Wait, there’s more of you? If you’re looking for the bookstore, it’s probably closed right now, with how late it is. Are you lookin’ for someone in particular?”
Church, preoccupied with Marshall, wasn’t listening. “Well you may as well now, you fucking dolt! We could’ve salvaged this if you’d kept your hick mouth shut!”
The other men clambered in, Cheslav standing proudly beside Church and Marshall peering his head around the corner.
“Yo, it’s fine, we aren’t mad or anything. It’s just, anyone would wonder what a bunch of strangers are doing in the middle of the night snooping around their dorm.”
“You mean… you don’t know who I am?” Church put his hands on his hips, clearly offended.
“Uh, should I?”
“We were all over the campus just two days ago! Even in the papers!”
“…Wait, are you those guys who were advertising for that monster-human alliance club or whatever?”
“NO! God, why the hell would we be here, then?”
“Is this… is this a trick question? To make friends?”
“We’re here to strike terror into your hearts! To teach you a valuable lesson about humility!”
“Wait… are you with the church?”
“No, I am Church, you dolt! The Church!”
The hellhound grinned at his impotent rage. “So, like… the Pope?”
“NO, YOU DAMNED…! Look. Me. Church. You, dog. Savage. Me come to hut and- er… well, that’s none of your business.”
“Y’fuckin’ think so? Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot, let’s stop screwing around. I’m Liv, nice to meet ya, Church.” She held out her paw, looking for a handshake. Church scowled, looking back at Marshall.
“Tell Prudence to have a bath ready for me when we get back, will you?” Looking away, he took the hellhound’s paw, shaking for as short a time as possible. “Charmed, I’m absolutely sure.”
“Look, ya don’t have to be an asshole about it, I was just tryin’ to say hi!”
“And I’m insulted you mongrels don’t know ‘Team Good Old Boys’ when they show up on your very doorstep!”
“Wait… I’m so sorry! You’re the strippers for Lily’s birthday, right? HEY, LILY, THOSE BEEFCAKES YA ORDERED ARE HERE! Weeell… two, at least.” She squatted down to whisper to Church. “Look, I know about the whole ‘equal opportunity’ thing, but are you gonna be able to jump out of a cake with the cane?”
“W-what?! I-I mean… uh… really, you’re doubting my ability? Really. My associates and I should just leave, if that’s how you’re planning on treating us.”
“Oh! No, sorry, I mean please do stay.”
“Er, actually, I think we’ll be leaving, thinking about it. W-we even forgot the cake we were supposed to jump out of.”
Church found a hellhound nearly a foot taller than he was suddenly wrapped around his arm. “Aww, c’mon, we already paid the deposit and everything! You have to at least dance, it says so in the contract! Now strip down to your underwear, and follow me.”
“Look, Church, I mean, this isn’t the kind of awful I was expectin’, but ya really fuckin’ did it this time. How the fuck are we even supposed to get outta this?” Marshall asked, starting to panic.
A song with the bass raised so high as to be unrecognisable was put on, and a shout from the crowd went up. “Less talkin’, more dancin’, boys!” A hellhound shouted.
“Oh, yes! Cheslav will show moves he learned in Spetsnaz training camp!” The slav grinned brightly, breaking into a well-rehearsed robot routine. “There’s no limit, come on!”
‘Wait, the hell? Cheslav’s… Oh god, are we actually dancin’? T-two-step, maybe? I don’t have a partner, though. This is it, ain’t it? I’m gonna fuckin’ die and they’re gonna find me half-naked in a puddle of dog drool.’ Marshall thought in a panic.
Church started shaking in rage, eyes down as he stood absolutely still.
“No. No! NO! I refuse to play along with a bunch of smouldering mutts! Let’s see how you like… THIS!” Church yelled, reaching into the bag he had brought along with him and dumping out a tube of tennis balls.
Marshall nearly made a break for it, but only made it a step before he noticed how ineffective it had been. A few of the hellhounds looked indifferently at the balls, rolling across the room. “Did you really have to do that? We’ve gotta clean this up, you know.”
“Shit. Er… Shit. You’re dogs! You’re supposed to- Doesn’t matter. That’s fine. I know you damnable hounds will go for THESE!”
He began throwing half-frozen hot dogs into the crowd, cackling loudly as one hellhound nearly had to dive to catch one out of the air. The hellhound inquestion looked hungrily at the sausage a moment before beginning to fellate it, staring deep into Church’s eyes.
“Oh, I’ll go for a hot dog, alright. Maybe you wanna skip right to the chase, cutie?”
He froze, hand halfway into the bag again. The distractions weren’t working. Maybe he could fight his way out? They’d probably manage to snag Marshall, but- No. That mutt was eyeing him with a lecherous look. He wouldn’t be able to get away from that one, and… He shuddered when he remembered the jinko, putting a hand to his still-sore back. Maybe the gay thing would-
“Oh, god. No! That’s…I-I’ll just… Er… I-I’m singing in the rain…” Church began an awkward impression of Gene Kelly, and Marshall, completely lost, began awkwardly shuffling his feet back and forth.
“Church!” Marshall whispered, “How’re we gettin’ outta this? I, uh… look, I can’t keep this up!”
“Let me think, you oaf! There’s got to be something!” Church hissed.
His mind was racing, desperately grasping at anything, but it was taking almost all of his attention to keep going with this ridiculous dancing. Twirl the cane. The door! How to get to the door? He only had one distraction left in the bag that even might work. Tap section coming, and… twirl, twirl.
‘Dammit, stay on task!’ Maybe if they were distracted by one of them? What if Marshall… No, no, he’s no good… Bow, now the guitar bit… What about Chap? Most of them seemed to have their eyes on his… Well, dancing is hardly important, now, is it? Besides, he looked ridiculous. Tap, tap, kick, flip the cane, and- well, maybe it was a little fun, but really.
“Hey boys, we didn’t hire a musical theatre act! How’s poor Lily supposed to have a good birthday if you don’t start shaking it where it matters?”
“What, you savages want something more tribal? That sounds more your style.”
“Mmm, nah. Just work those hips of yours, you’re professionals. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
The guys all looked at one another, things didn’t look good at this point. What could they do but humor the lusty hellhounds? At least this wasn’t going online or anything.
“Hold on, I gotta immortalize this.” One of the hellhounds smirked, pulling out her phone.
“Don’t you dare, you lot of fucking black-skinned bints!”
“C’mon, let’s go boys!” The hellhound holding her phone jeered.
Cheslav was the first to react, thrusting his hips forward and slowly inching upstage until his crotch was right up against one of the girl’s noses. The hellhound did a fake swoon, then smacked Cheslav’s tight buttocks. The other hellhounds whooped and cheered for her.
‘How can Cheslav be calm in the middle of all of this?’ Marshall thought, using his hips with his awkward shuffling, but lacking any grace.
“This was the best idea ever! All we had to do was make up some bullshit about strippers, and they fell for it!” One of the hellhounds boasted, just loud enough for Church to hear.
“Hold on, bullshit? You conniving cunts!” Church held out his arms, which was enough to get his two comrades to stop their dancing. “That does it, I’m bringing out the big guns.” Church reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out… a dog whistle.
Church blew the whistle as hard as he could, making most of the hellhounds cringe, covering their ears.
“SPLIT UP, LADS! THEY CAN’T CATCH US ALL!”
To his horror, as the three men ran out the doors, Church looked back to see the entire room get up to follow him.
“Get back here, you little piece of shit!”
“YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, YOU CANINE NEGRESSES!”
Church dug through the rest of his supplies in a panic, dropping dog treats, rubber balls and a number of dollar-store slippers to no avail before pulling out his trump card.
“DON’T MAKE ME USE IT, YOU SATANIC… er… STRUMPETS!
Church held out a plastic water bottle, clearly labelled ‘HOLY WATER,’ unscrewing the cap and waving it menacingly at the dogs. One moved forward and was doused before she could take another step.
Wiping the water out of her eyes, she squinted at Church. “The fuck was that about?”
“B-but… You’re hellhounds! I even had to go out of my way to have a priest bless this!”
“That’s not… Look, I ain’t even religious!”
Church quivered a little, throwing a packet of condoms at the crowd of hellhounds before curling into a ball.
“If you think you’re still getting sex out of this, you’re dead fucking wrong.”
“Cheslav, you really should at least try to be a little quieter, these hellhounds will turn us into mincemeat if they find us…” Marshall whispered, frantically gesturing to his comrade, who strode boldly ahead of him.
“Be not of worryings, tovarisch. If angry dog ladies come, Cheslav will be of taking care of it.”
Marshall rubbed his temples. “Cheslav, sometimes I wonder if you’re alright in the head. At least recognize that you’re in some danger here.”
“Do not be silly, Cheslav is true man now, will not be scared off by mere-”
“Ooooh, what do we have here?” Came a smooth, alto voice behind them.
Marshall gulped, they were being followed? He had only a second to ponder who before a massive black paw rested on his shoulder, turning both him and Cheslav around.
Without a doubt, it was the tallest, most intimidating hellhound Marshall had ever seen. She looked to be just shy of eight feet, with a solid build and pelvis-crushing hips.
‘Shit, we’re so fucked! We’re FUCKED!!!’ Marshall thought, sweating bullets. Cheslav, however,
stood in front of Marshall, the top of his head not even reaching her breasts.
“Go, Comrade Marshall, true man will be of handling things.”
Marshall, knowing that staying with him wouldn’t change the outcome of this situation one bit, took Cheslav up on his advice.
“Oh, you seem like an interesting one. What’s your name, lil’ fella?” She squatted down so that she was eye level with the courageous slav.
“Cheslav goes by many names, but you will be of calling me true man!” He stomped his foot on the ground, crossing his arms.
“Ooooh, okay, Truman! I’m sure you’ll show me who’s boss!” The hellhound patted his head condescendingly, leading the prideful slav away.
“Cheslav scared away dire alp, did you know? Was moment Cheslav grew into true man. Even called babushka afterwards!”
The hellhound leading him away perked up at the mention of ‘dire alp.’ The only one in the school, and possibly the world, wouldn’t normally be scared by such a non-threatening man. There had to be more to it than that, right?
“So eh… angry dog lady! Where are we going?”
Oh, now he’s asking? He seemed to not care just a little while ago. “We’re going somewhere nobody will bother us.”
After an awkward silence, they reached her room. “Come in, Truman, I’m sure you’re dying to teach me a lesson.” The hellhound sauntered in, and flopped back on her bed, beckoning Cheslav to come closer.
“Ah, perfect!” He strode in and headed straight for her underwear drawer.
‘Wow, that was easy! He’s just gonna go along with it? I didn’t even… have to…’ Her thoughts trailed off as she looked up to see him raiding her underwear drawer.
“Uhhh, what are you doing?” She inquired softly.
“Cheslav is getting what he came here for, and leaving of course!”
Her ears drooped. “You came here for underwear? I guess that crazy british guy shouted something about that?…Look, you can have them if you earn them first. Don’t you want to take them as a prize for bedding a hellhound and surviving~?” She sat up on her knees, pulling her spandex shorts down just so that the tuft of black fur above her clit was visible.
Cheslav stared at her for a few seconds, then went back to rummaging through her underwear drawer. “No.”
The hellhound tilted her head, legitimately surprised by his answer. “No?”
“No, came for underwear, nothing more.”
For once, she was at a loss for what to do. She always had things under control, and was able to bed any man she wanted with a wave of her assets. This man… he was different. Perhaps she shouldn’t underestimate him, that dire alp could have been scared of him for a reason.
“Alright, Truman, here’s the deal.” She slid off the bed and placed both of her paws on Cheslav’s shoulders. “You’re not really in a position where you can negotiate here. Frankly, I don’t even know why you’d want to, but you’re not leaving with my underwear until you at least make me cum once.”
Cheslav looked over his shoulder, the imposing hellhound gripping him tight, to prevent his escape. He was helplessly flipped around to face her, and she leaned in to kiss him. Before their lips met, he blocked her lips with his finger. “No, germs.”
“Ex… excuse me?”
“Dog tongue does not belong in human mouth. Humans sexing dogs? How silly! Have told you story of uncle Dimitri? He tried…”
This hellhound, who had tried to be patient, was now more than a little hurt by his comparing her to an actual dog. “O-okay, first off, dog mouths have less bacteria than a human’s. Second, you’re being rude as fuck. Don’t make me lose my temper, boy.”
“Uncle Dimitri put peanut butter on balls, Uncle Dimitri no longer has balls. Uncle Dimitri… is Aunt Dimitri now. Very awkward at family reuni-”
Cheslav suddenly felt himself being thrown to the ground with great force, the hellhound sitting on his bare chest.
“You’re about to lose your balls, you little shit. Do you realize what kind of situation you’re in right now!?”
Cheslav, unable to wiggle free, suddenly realized that he had bitten off more than he could chew here. “Errr, C-Cheslav is sorry?”
“Here’s what I think, Truman.” She spat, grinding on top of him aggressively. “You’re going to get to know your Uncle Dimitri’s pain very well..”
“Oy blyat…” Cheslav groaned, oh, how the mighty had fallen.
Marshall, creeping down the scorched hallways, felt a pair of eyes on the back of his neck everywhere he went. Whenever he looked around, however, nobody was there. Starting to get nervous, Marshall found the nearest room with an open door, darted in, and slammed it shut.
‘Alright, gotta keep a cool head ‘bout this. I’m not being followed, hellhounds are big and noisy. There’s no way they could stalk me so easily.’
Looking around the room he shut himself in, Marshall was relieved to find it empty. What’s more, there was a dresser right next to the bed. Jackpot.
‘What luck, better get in and out before the owner of this room decides to come back.’
Marshall crept up to the dresser and creaked the top drawer open, seeing a nice, healthy stash of underwear. Reaching inside, Marshall pulled out a big handful. It was all going swimmingly until he heard the door burst open.
“Hey, you!” Came a loud, accusatory voice from behind. Marshall froze, then slowly turned around to face…
A hellhound, wearing nothing but a white T-shirt, and a pair of red underwear. Marshall discovered, to his horror, that her crotch sported a large bulge. Of all the hellhounds he could have been caught by… Were hellhounds with dicks even a thing!? He didn’t know, he should have paid more attention in Monster Anatomy 101.
“O-oh shit, I’m sorry!” Marshall apologized, dropping the underwear and raising his hands.
“Sorry for what? Our mommas told us not to be ashamed of our panties, especially since they got such cute patterns n’ all.”
Marshall had to think fast, she didn’t seem overly hostile, and so he had to do everything in his power to keep her from losing her temper. “Er, I see that! Your momma gave you good advice!”
She sauntered closer, jutting her hips forward as if to emphasize her package. She wrapped her arms around Marshall and pulled him down onto her bed, tracing her furry finger around Marshall’s exposed stomach.
Marshall’s heart started to thud in his chest, he couldn’t escape. That grip was easily stronger than a jinko’s, and unlike a jinko, she actually expressed physical interest in him.
As if to validate his words, the hellhound leaned in and sniffed Marshall’s hair. Making a bold move, she slid her paw down Marshall’s boxers and grabbed his dick. With great shame, Marshall could feel his flaccid dong begin to expand with blood. What else do you do when you have soft breasts pressed against your back and a hand wrapped around your shaft?
“Oooh, look! It get’s bigger when I pull on it.” She snickered.
Marshall let out an uncomfortable whine. “Hmmm…”
She leaned in, brushing her lips against his ear. “Sometimes, I pull on it so hard… I rip the skin.”
Marshall’s heart rate kicked up even further, was this really happening? Is this what today had in store for him all along? Violent, dick-rending handjobs? “Errr, my daddy taught me a way to not rip the skin by using someone else’s mouth.”
The hellhound smirked, then grabbed Marshall’s head and brought it to her bulge. “Will you show me then?”
So it had come to this, he had hoped the opposite would happen, but the universe hated him. What was he going to do? He couldn’t escape, couldn’t say no, and there was nobody to save him. It looked like his luck had finally run out, and the only thing left to do was accept his fate.
“Fuck it, I don’t got much of a choice do I.” Marshall relented, starting to reach for her crotch when she suddenly stopped him.
Reaching into her panties, she pulled out a handful of socks and started to giggle. “Holy shit, the look on your face was PRICELESS!”
Marshall just stared at her now bulgeless crotch, torn between relief and betrayal. “You… gave me a goddamn heart attack.”
“Aaah, I’m sorry. I kinda feel bad, but… not really though.” She patted him on the back, then pulled him up so that he faced her. “I’m still gonna fuck you, though. Don’t worry, I’ll be more gentle than usual.”
‘Fuck.’ Thought Marshall, ‘At least she doesn’t have a dick? Why did I ever think separating from Cheslav was a good idea?’