Bonus Episode III- Revenge of the Raiders
“Ha! Got your bishop, you flop-eared nonce.”
Lily laughed politely as Church smugly looked over the chess board. “Oh! You always get me with that one, Master!”
Marshall leaned back in his chair on the other side of Church’s study and shook his head at Cheslav. Lily hadn’t been joking. They met up almost every Friday and he was pretty sure that Lily played the exact same game with her dad every time.
“You know, is surprising, little kikimora. Church is very bad at funny checkers. Even Cheslav beat once.” The gopnik said from his seat across from Marshall.
“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You cheated and I’m sure of it! Queens can’t move that far and everyone knows it.”
“Mmhmm. Sure, partner.” Marshall said, taking a sip of his whiskey.
“Good lord, it’s no small wonder I’m driven to drink every time the two of you are in my study. Where the hell is my drink-maid, by the way?”
The door swung open, revealing Prudence, dressed in a German barmaid’s outfit, trying to balance several alcoholic beverages on a serving platter. “C-coming, Master!”
Church sighed. “And it’s this costume again. Why are you wearing that around the house?”
“It helps me get in the spirit of serving drinks, Master! I brought a few extra gin and tonics for you so you don’t have to wait, by the way.”
He paused. “Well, you’ve earned back a bit of my good grace. But why a German? You know, my ancestor Old Churchill fought those scum in at least three wars.”
Prudence blushed a little and straightened out her skirt a bit. “Well Master, why don’t you come take your war booty…”
“I won’t even bring up the fact that company’s over, since they’ve had to put up with your antics for nearly a quarter of a century now, but good fucking lord, did you not notice that your own bloody daughter is in the room with us?”
Prudence turned bright red when she noticed Lily sitting across from her husband. “U-um… I… uh… I was just joking, sweetie~! Just some adult humour, haha!”
“Don’t believe her for a second. She put viagra in the final glass of gin and tonic. I can see it from here.” Church leaned back a little, looking up at one of the room’s finely adorned walls. “Anyway, Prudence. Would you be ever so kind as to take your underwear off of my wall? I know this business with Rose taking up the family tradition has gotten you excited, but I won’t be having it. Especially when the wall of triumph is IN THE BLOODY DINING ROOM, WOMAN!”
Lily perked up when Church mentioned the underwear raid she’d gone on with Rose. “A-actually, Da- Master, I was there with-”
Church snatched another glass of gin and tonic, downing it in a single gulp before shaking his finger at Prudence. “You know, the bloody… ffffucking dark angels wouldn’t have tried this miserable little game with me, woman.”
Just then, Saria strolled into the room with Natasha in tow. “Did I hear storytime? I was just getting bored, since poor little Violet was getting a little too worked up from Auntie Saria’s stories~”
Natasha sneered. “I’m pretty sure you were actually just supplying a minor with-”
“Oh, hush. She turned 18 months ago.” Saria plopped herself down onto her usual spot on Marshall’s lap and folded her legs. “So… dark angels? You know, I still talk to a few of those girls every now and then on literotica.”
“Well, you’re in luck, you pointy-eared cockleeve.” Saria shivered with mild pleasure at the insult. I was almost the god of the lot of them.”
Lily’s eyes lit up, seeing the potential to earn untold amounts of Good Girl Points. “R-really, Master?! I mean, you deserve it, so it’s no real surprise, but-”
Church took another sip of liquor, apparently trying to drink himself into a coma before anyone could argue with his view. “I would have had it all, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dog-bird-thing.”
“D-don’t listen to your father, Lily! They’re… they’re just awful! All of them! And Master, it was your friends and beloved maid and wife who stopped you from going down that…” Prudence vibrated in freshly-remembered anger. “…that horrible fucking path with those dumb whores who were just going to rape you and pass you around like garbage and steal you from me and stop my beautiful daughters from being born and-!”
The room ignored Prudence as she began to vibrate and froth at the mouth, old and wise enough to realise that trying to interrupt her was a mistake.
Church cleared his throat and spoke a little louder to be heard over the intensely angry kikimora. “Well, it all began when I was judged in a magical trial to be the fairest in the land…”
“Hold up, partner. Me n’ Cheslav were the only ones in our right minds that whole trip and that ain’t how it happened. Now listen up, missy. We’re gonna tell you the real story.”
A long time ago, in a college, far, far away (35 minutes by bus)…
The three boys and the kikimora stood in front of the black cathedral, Church looking at the spire with disgust.
“Really? They put a statue of a dark angel masturbating with the spire? …Oh god, that’s real.”
“Black wing ladies have good taste.” Cheslav admired the obsidian-like quality the bricks had.
“Alright, partner. You’re the one that said the dark angels would be a harrowin’ ordeal, what do ya mean by that, exactly?”
“The lesson about Dark Angels was semester fucking one, Marshall. They value corruption and degeneracy above all else. Mere well-intentioned underwear thieves are likely too pure to get in, since we’re only doing it to make a statement.”
“Uh… You know, whatever. Who’s goin’ first, then?” Marshall asked.
“Cheslav will fight door. Only defeated one so big when had to escape haunted gulag during dare when was child. Cheslav never leaves home without explosives now.”
The goplet approached the door. When he paused in front of the monolithic stone, a hollow, haunting voice was emitted from within.
”YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.”
“…What, is it? No puzzle? Pizdyets, worst magic door have ever seen. Maybe should just blow up, Church.” Cheslav said, looking back at church with his hands in his pockets.
There was a long pause.
There was another long pause before the door spoke again.
”W-WHAT IS THE NECTAR OF THE GODS?”
Cheslav squatted into action. Was it glorious vodka? Babushka’s homemade jam? No… maybe kvass after long day of work?
Cheslav thought of home, the most /k/omfy place he knew. Wait…!
“Cosmo! Is finest lube for all occasion! Every real man should have at least one barrel. Learned in school for men in East Europe.”
The door slowly ground open, a squeak emanating from the hinges that sounded like a whispered kiiiiiiinkyyyyyy.
When Cheslav had proceeded inside and the door had shut fast behind him, Church turned to Marshall. “Well, you’re up, old boy. Don’t worry, you’re a degenerate, so you shouldn’t have any problems.”
“FUCKIN’- I don’t know why I put up with ya some days. Whatever. Headin’ up.”
Marshall stood in front of the door like it was high noon in the OK corral.
”SERIOUSLY? GO HOME.”
“Come on, gimme a riddle or some shit, at least!”
”WHAT’S TALL, FAT AND SHOULDN’T BE STANDING HERE?”
“…Ha, ha. So ya got some sass, huh? Let’s see how you like one’a these!” Getting a running start, Marshall kicked the door as hard as he could, instantly regretting his decision to attempt to hit a 5000-pound rock with his toes.
”HARDER, DADDY. I ALMOST FELT THAT ONE.”
Marshall let forth a string of curses that reminded everyone present that he was indeed from the American south and that the door was a deep, obsidian black.
”OOH, BETTER. STILL NOT LETTING YOU IN, THOUGH.”
“FUCK! Little help, Church? Hard ‘r’ was my only backup plan.”
“Hmm. Well, I don’t think I’d have kicked a stone door, personally.”
“YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! NO GODDAMN SHIT!”
“I don’t know, why don’t you kick a puppy or something instead? What do you want from me?”
“AND WHERE IN FUCKING T A R N A T I O N AM I GOING TO FIND A PUPPY, YOU BIG-LIPPED BRITCUCK!?”
“Rude. Wait, Prudence, you’re part dog, aren’t you?”
The kikimora shifted on her feet a little. “Y-yes, Master?”
“You know what I’m going to say. Get on all fours and bark a little so it’s more believable.”
Prudence suffered a near-crippling wave of arousal, barely stumbling over to Marshall before collapsing onto all fours. She panted a little, so humiliated she could hardly stand it. “D-do you really want me to, Master?”
Church tapped his foot. “What kind of ridiculous question is that? Get it over with, I can already tell you’re enjoying this more than you should.”
Marshall, who had managed to get back to his feet, looked down at the kikimora. “Prudence, this seems like… a little much. Why don’t we just find another way i-”
”SATAN’S SWEATY FUTA BALLSACK, SHE’S GOT ENOUGH CORRUPTION FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.”
Marshall took another glance at Prudence, who was trying to masturbate stealthily and utterly failing. “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know.”
The door ground open again, a little faster this time, though Marshall had to nearly drag the overwhelmed kikimora inside.
When the door shut again, Church cracked his knuckles and gave a little twirl of his cane. “Alright, you’re in for a tough fight, you oversized paperweight. You’re not pulling one over on me, though. I might be pure of intention, but I’ve got a mind like a-”
Church had barely blinked before the door had flown open, clattering against the walls of the massive cathedral.
”WELCOME HOME, MY LORD.
“Excuse me? I’ll have you know I’ve never stepped a bloody foot in this miserable place, and even if I did, I wouldn’t belong there!”
Church waited an awkward moment, but the door remained quiet.
“Silent treatment, eh? Awfully childish for a misplaced piece of basalt. Well, more’s the pity. I’ve got panties to steal and PURE intentions to accomplish.”
When Church walked inside, he found his companions waiting for him, Prudence still in a mild stupor, though at least standing, even if she was still whispering the word ‘woof’ to herself periodically.
“Prudence, stop that this instant or I’m calling the shoggoth again.”
“SORRY MASTER! PLEASE DON’T! I’LL BE A GOOD GIRL I PROMIS-”
“Good girl. Now shut up, we have panties to-”
Suddenly, the gang heard the distinct sound of footsteps and occasional wing flapping from underground. Prudence put her ear to the floor, feeling the vibrations generated from the footsteps getting more and more intense.
Marshal grimaced. “Our cover’s blown already. Why’d you have to alert them, Church?”
“Don’t look at me, this door swung open so hard it clattered against the wall, damn near shattered itself. I’ve never felt so… mislabeled in my life.”
“THEY’RE HERE ALREADY, BRACE YOURSELVES!” Prudence shouted as the entire dark angel dorm erupted from the basement stairs, heading straight for them in a zealous fervor.
“OH SHIT, STAMPEDE!” Marshall took off his hat and held it in front of him, bracing himself for the oncoming flood of monsters.
Brace as they might, the rest of the crew was mowed down in a tide of feathery wings and soaked panties. Church soon found himself surrounded by at least twenty dark angels, all of them taking a knee before him.
“My lord, we could feel your presence as soon as the door opened for you! We’ve been awaiting your return for decades!”
Church looked just as confused as the rest of his companions. “Err… decades? You mean you’ve attended this school for that long? Not that I’d be surprised, given how dumb you monsters are but-”
“N-no, you misunderstand, my lord! O-our temple has foretold of the return of the great Churchy-one! A nigh-immortal and unstoppable force of evil and corruption that walked the earth for longer than many men.”
“Oh, you must be referring to my grandpappy. Tragic death, his was. Cut down in the prime of his 150’s by his bitter rival. At least they both died.”
The dark angels looked a bit confused for a second. “You… do understand that you carry His blood in your veins, right? That means you’re our lord!”
Church’s face lit up. “Your lord, you say?”
Marshall cringed. He knew this was going to go right to his head.
One of the dark angels in the back spoke up. “Yes, you will be welcomed back with the grandest of all celebrations! The Black Sabbath Feast.”
“Black Sabbath? Sounds like the kind of trash Marshall would listen to. Old enough to be dated but new enough to be anything but a classic.”
Marshall recoiled. He’d been found out. “Fuck you, partner.”
“No, fuck you, cowpoke.”
The dark angel cleared her throat. “My Lord, while we make the preparations, what would you have your loyal subjects do? The mighty messiah of old left so much undone before he left us.”
“Have a bowl of peeled grapes at the ready. I think it’s time for some long overdue recognition.” Church said as he allowed himself to be led away by some of the dark angels.
Marshall and Cheslav rolled their eyes, while Prudence looked more than a little incredulous. “And just where do you think you’re taking my Master!?”
The dark angels look at Prudence like she just denounced Slaanesh. “Uh… taking him to the throne room… duh!”
“The throne room…? The only chair Master needs is me!” Prudence tugged on her master’s sleeve protectively.
“Oh, shut your damned mouth you overgrown featherduster. We both know that you’d immediately ruin the carpet, to say nothing of encouraging your disgusting little tendencies. Now then, play nice with your new fellow servants while I’m gone.”
As Church was lead away, Marshall and Cheslav turned and started heading for the exit. “Welp, he looks as happy as a pig in mud, so let’s not get in the-”
“MARSHALL.” Prudence screeched.
“Aw, come on, Pru, he don’t need us two. You go on ahead and do your darin’ rescue mission.”
“Are you-” Prudence smiled and seized the larger man by the lapels. “-Suggesting we leave your valiant leader and my FUCKING Master to a bunch of slutty, whorish awful winged harlotbags who are going to steal MY FUCKING MASTER away from me?”
“Uh, look, let’s uh-”
The kikimora pulled him closer, a murderous look in her eyes, but not breaking the fake smile. “Marshall, you really ought not to make jokes like that. Someone might get hurt. More than one person might get hurt. Master always says I’m a psychotic, irrational terrifying woman on a weak leash and I’d hate to prove him right over a little joke about leaving him here between good friends like you, I and Cheslav here.”
Marshall glanced at Cheslav for help, trying not to break eye contact with the rabid beast before him for too long.
“Guess we go save Church, then.” Cheslav said, shrugging.
Prudence let go of Marshall and stepped back, beaming. “Good! I have the perfect plan. Strip.”
Kassidy brushed her bangs from her eyes for the umpteenth time, leaning forward with her face in her hands. She just couldn’t win with these dark angels! No matter what she tried to do to ‘fit in like the other darkies,’ it wasn’t enough. She even dyed her snow white wings a jet black, which was already drawing scorn from her fellow angels.
Though, it wasn’t like she wasn’t scorned by them anyway, part of the reason she was even hanging out at the dark angel dorm was because she wasn’t like the other girls. Rather than getting her butt touched after buying pizza, she wanted to be kissed under the milky twilight, and to be swept off her feet by some bad boy with a soft, vulnerable interior that she could nurture into a perfect husband.
As she mused about how lonely she was, she gazed up into the sky, up where her other sisters were. Perhaps switching sides wasn’t such a good idea after all. Yeah, tomorrow, she would pack her bags and move bac-
Wait, what was that sound in the distance? It kinda reminded her of… no, it was too high pitched for a motorcycle engine. What the fuck was that noise?
She didn’t have to wonder for long as the sound of George Thorogood blared in the distance. Kassidy squinted as a dust cloud kicked up on the horizon, quickly approaching the gate. Out of the dust, she eventually made out a… wait, was that a moped? It parked just outside the gate, and out stepped a tall, dark, and handsome man wearing a leather jacket, black jeans, sunglasses and even a bandana on his head.
…It looked like he was arguing with the sentient door about something. He was showing off his jacket and gesturing towards it like it was supposed to mean something. After what was at least a good 2 minutes of straight arguing, the door finally creaked open.
W-was this a blessing from the dark gods?? Nothing like this had ever happened to her before! She had to go meet him, surely he was here as a sign.
As the hesitant angel skittered to the door to see who it was,she found that he was wearing a fully decorated biker jacket, complete with skulls, bullets, and studs all around. Completing the look were some fingerless gloves and a bandolier belt.
He was fucking perfect. All that pure, unbridled edge made her think…. Un-wholesome things. Kassidy tried to think of how to approach him, she only had one shot and knew she couldn’t fuck it up. But… how could she possibly hope to just… approach him without it seeming awkward or creepy?
Wait, maybe if she just started off all cool and aloof, and OH SWEET DARKNESS WAS HE POPPING HIS COLLAR?!
“H-uh… hey there, sweetcheeks. Y’all know where we can find a good time ‘round these parts?”
Oh no. She hadn’t had time to think of something to say! She wasn’t ready yet! This wasn’t fair! Okay. Okay. One shot, Kassidy.
“Y-yes?!” She squeaked.
A man dressed in a black tracksuit with spikes on it poked his head out from behind Marshall. “Com- eh… Gang Boss Marshall, thought was supposed to be edgy angels, not mice.”
Damage control. Damage control. What could Kassidy say to save this? “S-sorry, I… uh… it’s just that well, you’re such an… uncommon sight. Like, someone who knows what real inner darkness is about. There’s… uh… nothing but posers here. Do you boys want to uh… d-do something cool together?”
Marshall’s eyes lit up. Maybe he could just get what he was looking for without getting another facebook stalker he had to avoid this time! “So, uh… what do you gals do for fun here?”
“Well, uh… mostly they do like dark rituals and stuff, but I mean… pff. Right? L-lamesville.”
“Uh huh…” Marshall looked at the angel with growing concern. “A-and would ya be able t’show us where them… ritual rooms are?”
Kassidy felt a bead of sweat roll down her cheek. She didn’t expect him to be… this direct about his desires. Participate in an orgy with him already? Is this all bad guys wanted to do?
“O-ooh uh… w-well I suppose we could do that but uh… wouldn’t you rather go do something like… w-watch the stars? Maybe bake some cupcakes? The night is still young, there’s so much we can do!” Kassidy spun around whimsically, her wings outstretched.
Oh fucking great. Out of all the hedonistic dark angels he could run into, he found the hopeless romantic.
It was a long shot but maybe he could still turn the situation to his advantage. He motioned to Cheslav, time to execute Conversation Protocol Delta.
“Now hold on a sec, missy. I reckon y’all don’t have what it takes t’hang with the most hard-boiled of us. Ain’t that right, Red Menace?”
“Da, black-wing broad is only wasting precious time. Come, we must be of goi-”
“WAIT JUST A GODDAMN SECOND!” Kassidy stormed in front of them and was subsequently pushed out of the way. With not much of an alternative, Kassidy instead latched onto Marshall’s leg. “NO PLEASE LET ME COME WITH YOU I PROMISE I’M EDGY YOU HAVEN’T EVEN PUT IT IN MY BUTT YET!!”
Marshall tried to shake the little autist off his leg, but she had an iron grip.
“Aw hell, we ain’t gonna shake her off any time soon. She might as well help.”
“Help? With what?” Kassidy tapped her fingers together, nervously glancing around the room. Was this it? Anal sex? She hoped so.
Five minutes later, she could tell that it definitely wasn’t anal sex, unless this was the weirdest metaphor she’d ever heard. Kassidy scratched her head. “So, let me get this straight. You’re the baddest boys of all because you… steal underwear?”
“You see, dyevushka, edgy is state of mind, but can only be backed up by raw, capitalist goods. Must acquire the garments of enemies to demand respect.”
Kassidy looked dumbfounded for a second, unsure of how to respond. “Uh…”
“The man speaks wisdom, you don’t see many wise Ruskis nowadays. Why don’tcha follow us? We’ll show you why they call me the… uh… Texan…ator.”
The angel paused. “But wait a minute, if you’re all about obtaining capitalist goods, why do they call you The Red Menace? Isn’t communism like… the embodiment of the establishment?”
Cheslav’s eyes shone. “Ah, but is where you are wrong, edgy angel. Supporting communist regime is very edgy. Is so not edgy to support establishment, wraps around and becomes very edgy. Besides, how many people have the boys who fall out kill? Papa Stalin? Millions. See?”
“Okay, but… what about you, Texanator?”
Marshall cringed a little. He’d really thought that the name he pulled out on the spot wasn’t that bad, but… “We’re, uh… well, you know, rustlin’ panties is like rustlin’ cattle. I’m a bad ol’ bandito and it’s in my blood.”
That was potentially the worst line he’d ever delivered trying to cover up stealing panties, and it looked like Kassidy had noticed. She was starting to away. Oh god, he had to save this. If not for the plan, then at least for his own pride.
“Well, I think I’m actually just going to go ahead without you guys, but good luck with your- Ah!” The angel nearly fainted when The Texanator wrapped an arm around her waist and touched her lips with a finger.
“Meanin’ I tend to take what I want, sweetcheeks.”
“H-HOW CAN I HELP?!?!”
…Oh, christ. Now he’d done it.
Church leaned back into his new throne. Not as comfortable as his armchair in his dorm, but it was more like the regality he deserved. “…Now then.”
A small crowd of dark angels stood in a cluster before his throne, looking expectant. “Y-yes my Lord?”
“You.” Church lazily motioned to the dark angel who had spoken. “What time is it, girl?”
“Um…” Checking her phone quickly, she snapped back to attention. “11:02, my Lord.”
“Well, you’re already late for elevenses, then. Don’t speak to me until you’ve got something.”
“Um, what exactly is-”
“Ah, ah, ah. Not a word.”
After a few minutes of frantic googling and cooking, the dark angel brought out a plate of pizza pops and handed it to Church.
“What in God’s name is this slop you’re handing me?”
Church dumped the proffered food onto the floor and handed the plate back to the dark angel. “I wasn’t aware a servant could be so incompetent as to offer her master hot pockets for elevenses. You clearly need direct orders, so I’ll make this simple. Cucumber sandwiches. Someone new is going to go fetch them.”
“I-I’m sorry, my Lord. Amanda, if you would… I-I apologise again, my Lord, would you like to… p-punish me?”
He squinted at the dark angel, who had fallen to her knees, and after a moment’s deliberation, he held out his foot. “No, I won’t be punishing you. You are going to kick yourself.”
“Um… what do you mean?”
“Hit yourself with my foot. I’ll tell you when you can stop.”
A switch somewhere deep inside the dark angel was flipped. She had been hoping for something… sexier before, but somehow… this was actually pretty good. She wiped a string of drool from her lip and-
Church choked a little and spit out the sip of tea he had taken, a few drops landing on a dark angel he was using as a footstool, making the girl shiver, somewhat delighted.
“What the good fucking name of her poor deceased majesty Queen Victoria’s East India Company is in this bloody cup?!”
“Um… tea? That’s what you said you wanted…” Said Amanda, the dark angel who had taken charge after Church’s footstool had become… indisposed.
“Do you think I’m stupid, you black-winged twit? What precisely is this liquid you’re passing off as God’s elixir?”
“Well, uh… We had a couple of Christmas morning herbal bags from last year, but it looked kinda dark so we put some coffee whitener in i-”
Church took a deep breath in and held up a finger. “Shhhh. My dear girl, I think we’ve had a bit of a mixup. Don’t worry, alright?”
Amanda trembled a little. W-was he mad? She couldn’t tell. She’d never seen anyone this calm-looking, and especially not anyone related to the Great Churchy-one.
Church put a hand on the worried dark angel’s shoulder and gave her a warm smile before dumping the contents of the teacup onto her head. “You see, I think the misunderstanding was that I was under the impression that I wasn’t in the company of a lot of DROOLING, SNIVELLING LITTLE RETARDS WHO COULD BE THIS FUCKING STUPID! HOW ON THE GREEN FUCKING EARTH OF WHATEVER DEITY OR POWER YOU FUCKING PLEASE COULD A GROUP OF EVEN SUB-SENTIENT BEINGS BE SO BLOODY INCOMPETENT?!”
Amanda’s shaking began to spread to her entire body and she began to pant, her face flush. “I-I’m sorry, my Lord! P-please tell me more about how I’ve failed you!”
“YOU’D BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE I’M NOT DONE! HOW THE HELL DOES A DRIVELLING, USELESS PACK OF TREMBLING MOUTHBREATHERS GET THE IDEA THAT THIS IS EVEN REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE?! THIS VILE LIQUID IS AN INSULT TO THE VERY FUCKING PHYSICAL STATE OF FLUIDS! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT YOU’VE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO PROVE YOURSELVES AT LEAST TENFOLD MORE INCOMPETENT THAN MY OWN FUCKING MAID, AND SHE ACTIVELY TRIES TO RAPE AND POISON ME REGULARLY! EVEN SHE WOULD NEVER BE SO FUCKING REMISS AS TO GIVE ME THE ABSOLUTE SLOP I’VE BEEN SUBJECTED TO HERE, EVEN AS A JOKE!”
“A-and I haven’t even sucked your dick yet! I’m so, so sorry, my Lord! Please punish this miserable excuse of a servant as hard as you feel!” While he had been preoccupied shouting, the girl had stripped buck-naked and prostrated herself before the ranting man.
“Cover your disgusting body you absolute cretin! I’m not giving you the pleasure of even hitting you with my cane. You!” Church yelled, pointing to the angel he’d been using as a footstool. “Fetch me whoever is behind this… blasphemy on the very concept of food and drink!”
“Y-yes my Lord!”
Prudence shuffled her feet, unable to meet Church’s eyes. “U-um… hello, Master…”
“…And just what precisely are you doing here?”
“Because it seems to me that I’ve made a grave error in telling these poor girls you’ve tricked that you’re above the kind of wanton chicanery and blatant sabotage that you seem to have pulled.”
Amanda cleared her throat and spoke up. “A-actually, my Lord, it was… w-well, we’re all responsible! It wouldn’t be fair to punish just he-!”
“Shut up. Prudence, you’re going to instruct these girls on how to properly carry out their new duties and reflect on your abject failure as a maid.”
Prudence drooped visibly as soon as Church finished. “Y-yes, Master…”
“My Lord, I really must insist! We let ourselves be manipulated, so maybe before we begin the training, you should let off some stress and just give everyone a thorough punishment so we can learn with our bodie-
“Good Lord. Do you ever stop? I swear, the lot of you should have state-mandated chastity belts.”
The eyes of nearly every dark angel in the room shot up, and a quiet murmur ran through the crowd. “D-do you really mean that, my Lord?”
“Well… Yes, actually! You harlots could use some bloody discipline!”
“OF COURSE MY LORD! Sammy! Get a couple of the girls to bring in the crate! Everyone else, take off your panties and get-”
“WAIT, NO!” Church yelled, completely inaudible over the excited squeals and barked commands filling the room. He tried to turn to Prudence for help, but found her gone. Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit-
“W-who is that!? Why is she with you! Have you turned, too?!”
“No, Prudence, is friend now. Angel who want to be edgy help us find out what is of happenings.”
Kassidy perked up after squinting at Prudence a few seconds. “O-oh! I think I recognise you! Aren’t you that girl who kept sinking into the clouds at my… old dorm?”
Prudence prickled a little. “W-what does it matter?”
“You really changed my mind on the whole angel thing! I mean, you don’t have to be pure, right? So then I came down here and everything’s been… well, not great, but better at least. And now you’re here and the guys have been teaching me so much! And Marshall even said he’d put it in my butt, and that’s the edgiest place to do it!”
“I didn- Look, Pru, it’s uh… Now, I don’t wanna alarm you, but… there’s like, this big plan they’ve got goin’ and… they’resacrificin’Churchorsomethin’inthisbigorgything?”
A screech more eldritch than anything Marshall had heard, even in the shoggoth dorm, escaped Prudence’s mouth. “WHAT? THEY’RE TAKING HIM?! THEY TURNED HIM AGAINST ME AND NOW THEY’RE THREATENING MY CHURCHIE!?”
“IT’S A DISASTER! What are we going to do? He wasn’t supposed to find out about my plan and he was just going to come home and we’d be together again! Marshall! DO SOMETHING!” Prudence yelled, shaking the Texan violently.
“H-hey! Hold on, I’m tryin’ to think. If ya pissed him off real good, he’s not gonna listen to any of us…”
Prudence collapsed into a heap, trembling. “It… it wasn’t… It’s not fair… I didn’t want to, but how was I supposed to…”
Cheslav patted Marshall’s shoulder and led him away a few steps. “Maaaaybe no more talking to Prudence for a while, yes?”
“Ah, shit. I didn’t mean to… Alright, how are we gonna figure this out, partner? He don’t listen at the best of times, so we’re gonna have to convince him some other way.”
Cheslav rubbed his chin for a moment before he nodded to himself. “What if… Church likes stealing underwear, yes?”
“Yeah? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really do anything else but yell at Prudence and barely pass his classes.”
“So maybe we just show him how much is fun? Is probably already bored of black wing ladies now.”
“You’re bloody well right. The kikimora is bad enough, but I can at least handle her like the misbehaving strumpet she is. Probably won’t stop until we’ve had six fucking children at least, though.” Was that… Church? The two men spun around, relieved. Now they could just get the panties and-
He wasn’t there. It was just Kassidy and… Prudence was sitting on the ground, looking down, but she was holding up a puppet that looked almost creepily like Church. It was clearly handmade, but it somehow looked… too real. It was certainly more handsome than the actual man in question, but-
“What in bloody blazes are you looking at, you daft twits? We’re in the middle of a plan and you’re looking at me like I’ve grown a third bloody arm.” Prudence said, in a terrifyingly good impression of Church, bobbing the puppet up and down a little.
Prudence’s head lifted back up and she smiled at the puppet.“Oh, Master! There you are! We were just about to make a plan to rescue you!”
The puppet slapped Prudence in her floppy ear. “Well, get on with it! It’s about time you three got to work. I’m not bedding you until you save me, you lascivious maid.”
“Okay, Master! Alright, Cheslav, if you’re right, how are we going to do this?”
Church sighed, looking slightly uncomfortable as his living footstool panted heavily.
Suddenly, the doors to Church’s throne room flew open and Kassidy ran in and fell to the ground, trying to cool herself with a gaudy-looking hand fan. “Oh, no, sisters! I do declare that my underwear has been humiliatingly stolen by ruffians!”
The dark angels looked slightly confused, whispering amongst themselves.
Strutting through the door and waving a pair of panties over his head like a flag, Cheslav squatted over the fainting angel.”This is right! Strong, powerful men are better than tiny, weak rape animals with people faces!”
Marshall followed behind Cheslav a few seconds later, pushing a wheelbarrow full of women’s underwear. “Ah, sure was a good raid. Looks like them cheeky femoids couldn’t win against the cock. I even took extra so they can all learn their place.”
The black-clad gopnik nodded sagely. “This is right, comrade. Nobody can beat the cock.”
“Not the cock. Ain’t nothin like showin’ a femoid her place. They can’t keep gettin’ away with their bullshit. Can’t beat the cock, man.”
The crowd of dark angels stirred again, with a few mumblings about wanting to be beaten by the cock circulating before Church stood up, nearly slipping in a pile of chastity belt keys that had been arrayed at his feet. “What the hell are the two of you doing? T-that’s not convincing, you know…”
“What? What convincin’ partner? We were just goin’ on with the mission and teachin’ this little WHORESLUT a lesson about humility.”
Kassidy squirmed on the ground in barely contained arousal.
Church began sweating, trying to hold his persona together. “W-well… good. They deserve it.”
“Whelp, guess we wrapped this one up by ourselves, didn’t we Cheslav?”
“Da, also super extra fun without Church. Come, let us hang on wall of triumph and be drinking of all the gins.”
“Welp, guess we’re gonna have to mindbreak this one into bein’ our third man now. See ya, Church.” Marshall said, picking up the dark angel, who quivered in delight when he touched her.
“NO! NONONONONO!” Prudence dashed into the room, wearing black strapon with a lacy cockring that matched her uniform. “THAT WAS NOT THE FUCKING DEAL, MARSHALL!”
The Texan waved his hands defensively “Prudence, I didn’t actually-”
Church made a sound of disapproval. “Prudence. My absolute favourite maid.”
“OH! Um.. h-hello, Master…”
“What in god’s name are you wearing?”
Prudence poked the strapon she was wearing, making the shaft jiggle unnervingly. “U-um… Can’t beat the cock?”
“WELP. Guess we’ll be headin’ out now Church. Enjoy your, uh… chastity belt thing goin’ on.”
Church thought hard about what he’d done. Was he too hard on Prudence? She’d been with him so long and enjoyed the abuse so much he felt like he was never sure when was too far.
He felt a little left out, too. It was obviously exactly what they wanted, but-
“Excuse me, Lord Church? Are you ready for the ceremony?”
“What in blazes are you talking about, woman?”
“Oh, it’s time for the sacrifice, so we’re going to have to move to the ritual chambers…”
He squinted and straightened his stance, ready to try and fight his way out. “So, you’re cutting my heart out and offering it to Satan, I suppose?”
“What? Of course not my Lord! We’re just going to extract your semen with our bodies and offer it to-”
Church began to scream hoarsely, waving his cane around wildly as he dashed for the door as fast as his legs would allow. “SOMEBODY! FUCK! HELP! PRUDENCE! ANYONE! THEY’RE DOING WORSE THAN KILLING M-”
As the rest of Team Good Ol’ Boys and intern Kassidy walked back to the clubhouse, they argued about what to do next, but were interrupted by a Churchy voice.
“PRUDENCE!” The Church puppet slapped the kikimora’s shoulder.
“O-oh! What is it, Master? Do you know how we should-”
“Shut up about that before I pound you raw for your insolence, you feathery temptress. Those black-feathered whores are fucking trying to kidnap me!”
“W-well, I don’t want to be rude, Master, but we did already know th-”
“THEY’RE TRYING TO FUCKING RAPE ME FOR SATAN OR SOMETHING!”
Prudence began vibrating like a very angry dildo trying to escape the sex shop and murder the owner. “WHAT?!”
Marshall rubbed the back of his head and looked to Cheslav. “Are you… I mean, do you think she’s… okay up there? She gets pretty antsy without him, but I’ve never seen her this bad.”
Cheslav scoffed. “Is like real Church, but doesn’t try to pretend to hate Prudence. Come on, let us talk.”
Marshall cleared his throat, feeling a little silly for talking to a puppet. “Uh… C-Church?”
The puppet whipped around, away from Prudence. “Ah! Thank fucking god, Marshall. She’s bloody useless in this state. I… may have made a mistake turning away from the path of righteousness and fucking my maid, but you’re going to have to get me out of this one, old chum.”
Prudence hadn’t moved at all. Her eyes and mouth hadn’t even twitched. Marshall was starting to get a little bit scared, but Cheslav cut in. “Is still at edgy angel house, Church?”
The puppet-Church shook its head. “Not sure, Chap. They said something about ‘ritual chambers’ before they took me out. That’s about as much as I can tell you. Why don’t you try asking the one you took with you?”
Marshall managed to shake himself out of it long enough to step up to Kassidy menacingly. “You know, I recall you sayin’ somethin’ about all that.”
“I… y-you didn’t know? I thought you guys were going to participate…”
“Well it looks like we are n-” Marshall said.
“Where is place, edge apprentice? Need to get there before too late.” Cheslav cut in.
Kassidy wiggled a little bit. “I-I’ll tell you, but… Um… w-we can’t have them getting suspicious, right? You’ll have to pretend to humiliate me again, haha…”
“Good lord, Prudence. She’s almost as bad as you. Almost.” The Church-puppet said.
Church woke up to a dark room, the musty scent of shag carpet and aroused women hung in the stagnant air so much he could almost tast- OH GOD.
Spitting out the panties that had been shoved into his mouth, Church tried in vain to sit up so he could yell at the overexcited whore who had done this, but found himself securely strapped to a dirty loveseat.
“WELCOME, GREAT ONE!” the dark angel that Church had been using as a footstool for some time stepped forward, throwing an unlocked chastity belt to the side. “Welcome to our ritual room!”
Church looked around. Shag carpet. Wood panelling. Even the couch he was tied to was stained and precisely the kind of brown that furniture had no place being.
“You know, this is the most disgusting sacrifice chambers I’ve ever had the misfortune of entering.” Church complained. “It smells like you haven’t cleaned up your bloody bodily fluids since nineteen-fucking-seventy!”
“Oh, u-uuhh… If you want we can move you to the good couch, my lord!” A dark priest offered.
“This isn’t even your good couch? Who the hell do you think I am?!”
The dark priest cowered behind a black-winged valkyrie. “W-why the descendent of the great Church-y one of course! I don’t… I don’t know what they were thinking.”
The other participants gave her the stink eye, but they decided to at least move their sacrifice to the good couch. Besides, the good couch didn’t smell like mildew.
“Ahem. Well, my Lord, are you ready for the prophesied time? We waited 50 years, just like your last incarnation said!”
Church squinted at them, confused.
“Oh uh…Are you maybe unfamiliar with…The Great Churchy one?”
“It’s me, isn’t it?”
“Well… yes, but… W-we were so amazed at your grandfather’s sheer corruption and will that we pledged our undying loyalty to him! We offered to bear his offspring, but after our 69th time asking, his exact words were ‘I swear to fucking god, if you cockthirsty wenches ask me one more time within the next fifty years, I’ll burn your fucking church to the ground.’”
Church cringed, noticing just how excited they were all getting. “Not to burst your bubble, but if I know my grandfather, he meant for that to mean ‘never ask me ever again.’
“But he said it on the 69th time, and 69 is the sex number!” A dark priest piped up from the back, both the dark angles and valkyries murmured in vague agreement. “You’re his youngest living descendent, and the door chose you, so you must be close enough at least!”
Lighting the ‘ceremonial’ candles arranged around the good couch, the head dark angel climbed onto Church before realising she should probably take his pants off first.
As she struggled with his belt, a sudden gust of wind blew out the candles in the room and slammed the doors shut, leaving Church and his would-be assailants in darkness.
It must have been Chap. Took him bloody well long enough. Church had really been starting to get worried for a mom-
An eerie blue glow filled the ritual chamber, a ghostly figure coalescing from the smoke of the candles.
”WHO DARES INVOKE MY WRATH?”
The head of the dorm, wearing what was almost certainly the first result for ‘slutty nun’ on MonBay, knelt before the glowing spirit.
“Oh great Lord! We have summoned you on this most auspicious of days! Your successor has been drawn here by the hand of fate, and we humbly beg your permission to bear your descenda-”
“Good fucking lord, are you still on about this ridiculous sex horseshit? I’m quite sure I told you in no uncertain terms to fuck straight off.”
“My Lord! It is the fiftieth year after your sixty-ninth decree! That means-”
“Why don’t we start with the fact that I told you this little snippet you’ve taken to heart at precisely eight post-cunting-meridian, and you’ve deigned to summon me how many hours early, hmm? Oh look!” A clock flew off the wall into the hands of the spectral man, who gestured angrily at it as he leaned over the smaller woman. “Nine bloody hours! I know you whorish mockeries of real women have always had a hard time counting, but I’m interested as to how your little organisation survived half a century –at a school– without working out how to count past the fingers on a SINGLE CUNTING HAND.”
“But what are a few trifles amongst old friends, eh? Why don’t we have a little chat about the fact that you seem to have taken ‘don’t ask me again’ as full invitation to attempt to molest my grandson! Speaking of, come here, my boy.”
The restraints holding Church to the couch dissolved into ash, much to the younger man’s surprise.
“Yes, you’ve grown to be the spitting image of me in my youth. Not like your milquetoast father.”
“Well, not everyone can be a useless degenerate, eh, grandfather?” Church and his ghostly ancestor burst out in identical condescending laughter.
“Quite right. I must say, I’m impressed with how you’ve turned out in spite of… my most catastrophic failure.”
“Well, what’s in the past, eh? Don’t worry, I never wanted a thing to do with these overgrown crows dressed up as humans.”
“Well, obviously. I’d be surprised if they had a man who tolerated their presence longer than you or I have, but I’m talking about something a bit… closer to home. You be careful around that bloody kikimora, do you hear?”
“Good Lord grandpa! The help?”
The ghost stared off into the distance momentarily. “You know, I once had a nemesis who talked like that. He was so degenerate that the only thing he didn’t want to fuck was the help, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he led his maids on for so long, they raped him in his sleep. Ironic.”
Church was disgusted. “Bloody hell! Don’t tell me he even fucked these disgusting… things!”
Church’s grandfather nodded his head gravely. “Everything. We struck each other down in the end, so at the very least I ended his reign of disgusting fraternisation. Mind yourself with the maid, boy. Nothing good comes of these bloody magical women and their overactive ovaries.”
“I won’t forget , grandfather. I need to keep our bloodline pure. There’s no way to improve on perfection, after all.”
“Excellent. Now, if the rest of you feathered whores could close those bloody floodgates you’re trying to pass off as vaginas long enough to excuse yourselves, do so now. Farewell, grandson. Do not forget.”
A swirling vortex of smoke enveloped the ghost of Church’s ancestor once again, and when it dissipated, he was gone. Before Church could even dust himself off, a large, green milsurp truck burst through the wall and Marshall, Prudence, Cheslav and Kassidy jumped out of the vehicle, brandishing brightly-coloured water guns. Squinting slightly, Church could see that they were the same guns that had been used in the hinezumi raid, with the exception that crosses had been drawn on them, along with the title ‘HoLi Watr Gun.’
“MASTER WE’RE HERE TO SAV-! Oh.” Prudence lowered her gun when she noticed that most of the dark angels were huddled in a corner, some of whom were crying.’
“Ah, there you are. Business is all taken care of here, so drop off that little extra with the rest of them and let’s head home.”
“Master, you didn’t… w-well… f-f…”
“Fuck them? Lord no. Just showed them their proper place with a bit of help. But Prudence, tell me one thing.”
“Why in god’s name are you carrying a puppet that looks like me?”
Church leaned back, having finished telling his part of the story, giving a sidelong glance to his daughter.
Before Church could say anything smug, Marshall snorted. “Yeah, sure partner. Ghost of your grandpa and he wasn’t a monstergirl? Tell me another one. Did actual Satan pop out of the ground and call them all niggers before he patted you on the back and gave you a big sack of Jew gold too?”
Church waved his fifth glass of gin and tonic at the Texan before finishing it and setting it down. “Y’know Marshall, I seem to be recalling some kinda… recall you being the only pershon on taaht little eckskursion to… utter that particular ephe- epip… epithet. ‘Side from grandpa of course, but he’s… from a different generation, so it hardly counts.”
Before the argument could continue any further, Prudence cut in. “I believe you Master! A-and it looks like Daisy does too!”
A teenaged kikimora stood in the door to Church’s study, smiling vacantly and looking vaguely like she was looking in two directions at once. “If mommy and daddy say it’s true, then grampy must have come back!”
Church cringed a little at being acknowledged as a father, but carried on regardless. “‘S right, sweetie. The spi… spirits of my ancestors are well-known t’be vengeful. Lily, put y’r sister t’bed, would you? S’… uh… it’s late.”
“O-oh! Yes Master! Um… right away.” Lily was torn. She had kind of wanted to stay longer. She knew that her father tended to… stretch the truth sometimes, but could it actually be true? The ghost of her noble ancestor? Would she get to meet him? It seemed far-fetched and… she really wasn’t sure what to think.
She gave up on arguing when she saw that Prudence had taken up her seat on her Master’s lap quite casually, and she seemed to be getting away with it.
“Come on, Daisy. Maybe you can play with Mr. Cuddles for a while before bed if you hurry.”
Daisy perked up. “Yay! Really?”
Natasha snorted. “Is everyone in your family an idiot, Prudence? Ghosts aren’t real.”
Marshall scratched his head. “But… ain’t you a ghost?”
“First of all, I’m a wight. And secondly, people can’t come back after they die. I was born like this and so was every other undead girl. Even if there was a ghost, it certainly wasn’t a man. I think your idiot husband is trying to squirm his was out of saying that you helped him with some ridiculous story.”
Prudence gave Natasha a hard stare. The kikimora said nothing, but she had the eyes of a wild pibble about to disembowel an infant. Natasha shrunk back into her seat, but before Prudence could even get started, Church patted her on the leg and she visibly calmed down.
“Well, I shuppHose I would ha… would’ve still been locked in that ‘ritual chamber’ for god knows how long in that… god fffforsaken chapel, so… err…” Church twiddled his thumbs meekly. “T-thanks. I guess.”
Prudence blushed. She knew how much it hurt Church’s pride to appreciate anyone, so she treasured it whenever he overcame his ego.
“An’ by the way, when’re ya goin’t’… change outta that… riDICKulous barmaid outfit?” Church raised his final gin and tonic a little too quickly and spilled some, causing Prudence to squirm in place.
“Umm… When you finish that last gin, Master.”
Church shakily lifted the glass to his lips, then paused. “On second thought… maybe I’ve had enough.”
“No Master! Y-you wouldn’t let perfectly good gin go to waste, w-would you? That’s not the Master I know…”
“Weeeeell… Per’aps you’re right.” Church said through gritted teeth, slowly drinking the final glass while maintaining eye contact with her the whole time. As he got closer to the bottom of the glass, he could see Prudence’s ears raising higher, while her tail wagged increasingly fast.
Once the glass was empty, Prudence could barely contain her excitement.
Church scoffed. “I duh… dunno what the bloody hell you’re getting excited for, y’ sex-crazed… barmaid cosplayer. You and I both know perfec’ly well that yer little trick with th’ viagra in the last cup won’t work any more. I’m immy- imman… immune.”
Prudence turned around on Church’s lap to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Oh, Master. Your wife would never forget something so important about you!”
“Wassis entire bloody setup just so you could point out that you’re my wife? ‘M not sure it’sa secret, considerin’… everyone in the room was at th’wedding, t’say nothing of the small army of children you have traipsing around the manor grounds.”
“Oh no, Master. I was just getting excited because you were so confident you didn’t notice the drug I put in your very first drink! Apparently it’s made with manticore venom, so you wouldn’t be able to resist the effects. It’s a slow-release and I was starting to get worried it wasn’t working, so I sat on your lap to see the effect, and it seems like it’s starting to work perfectly.” The kikimora said, none-too-subtly grinding her hips against Church.
Church sighed. “Chap, Marshall? It’s been… luh… lovely having you over as respite from this bloody woman, but it seems like I’m gonna… goin’ t’ have to take m’leave of you now, so if you could, I have some dissip… discipline to administer.”
Marshall, Cheslav and their wives hadn’t even closed the door before they heard the sound of a kikimora being thrown against a desk, knocking off a variety of writing tools and books.
“IZZIS WHAT Y’FUCKING WANTED YOU HORNY DOG? WANTED TO BE FUCKING RUTTED LIKE A DISOBEDIENT BITCH?”
“I HOPE YOU’RE FUCKING HAPPY, THEN! NEITHER OF US IS GOING TO BE GETTING A WINK OF FUCKING SLEEP, AND I PLAN TO TAKE OUT MY FRUSTRATION ON MY BELOVED FUCKING MAID WHO WANTED TO BE FUCKED LIKE A WHITECHAPEL WHORE.”
“M-maybe you should choke me too, Master! I-it might make you feel better!”