Panty Raiders Bonus Chapter 2

Bonus Episode II- Attack of the Daughterus

 

“Have good day, son!”

 

The words echoed in Andrei’s head as he flashed back to his dad dropping him off at school. He was so cheerful, so unashamed of himself despite having an enormous, noisy milsurp truck that was practically held together by duct tape. Why couldn’t he be quiet and out of the way, like the rest of the dads dropping their kids off?


Still, he couldn’t complain much. His dad had a surprisingly well paying job given his broken English. Then again, his dad knew how to do… a lot of things. It made him feel bad about his own lack of skills and accomplishments. How could he ever hope to overcome the odds his dad did? He didn’t know how to keep a milsurp truck running, and if he had to survive alone in the woods, he was screwed. Heck, his dad even knew how to extract caviar from a sturgeon! A feat few people could boast about.

 

Andrei sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria and opened his lunch, sighing when he saw one of the popular girls in his class arm-in-arm with some Japanese-looking soyboy who didn’t even have eyes.

 

Maybe he just needed a girlfriend to get out of this funk. One of the guys he knew from a few years ago had suddenly gotten really popular when he asked out this girl who’d been bullying him, and he’d suddenly gotten wrapped up in some big romance drama or something.

 

He felt like he was pretty distant from all the girls, though. It’s not like they hated him, but they tended to stay away for… well, his friends weren’t exactly popular with people. Although… now that he thought about it, weren’t Petunia and Penelope girls?

 

On second thought… Even if he tried to, they were kind of-

 

“‘EY ANDREI, LOOK WHO I FOUND!” Shouted a kikimora all-too-loudly from the other side of the cafeteria.

 

Ah. Speak of the devil.

 

Although she didn’t just have Penelope with her this time, she was dragging an automaton behind her, who seemed to just be passively being brought along.

 

“Lookit, Andrei, I just picked ‘er up! Her name’s Dani!”

Despite being interrupted from his train of thought so rudely by Petunia, he found himself staring at the Automaton. What did she say her name was? Dani? His eyes were drawn to her hips, as well as her abnormally long legs that gave her a rather intimidating height of 6 feet compared to his meagre 5’11”. She was… stunning. Inhumanly beautiful, but he supposed she was a robot.


“Uh… hello? Andrei, are you fuckin’ paying attention?” Petunia glared at him, clearly annoyed at where he was staring.

“Huh? Oh shit. Sorry about that ‘Tunia. A-a-and hey uh… D-Dani… My name is… uh… Andrei.”

 

Fuck. Goddammit. That was supposed to sound more… cool? God, she probably thought he was an idiot now.

 

Maybe?

 

He couldn’t tell, she had the same blank look on her face like she hadn’t registered anything at all. He hoped she hadn’t, she was the cutest girl he’d seen in-

 

The automaton nodded to him politely and immediately turned to Petunia. “Now that I’ve met your associates, have I gained access to the small one?”

 

Petunia put her hands on her hips and nodded sagely, like some kind of mockery of a businessman. “Well, a deal’s a deal, after all. Have at it.”

 

Without a moment more of waiting, Dani swept Penelope up, holding the dormouse like a baby.

 

“HEY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH DOING?!” the irate mouse shouted when she realised what had happened.

 

Dani squeezed her a little tighter, petting her head softly. “Shh. Be quiet little one, just accept my love.”

 

Petunia coughed and looked away. “Sorry Little P, she only said she’d come with us if she got to hold ya.”

 

“IS SHE FUCKING GAY OR SOMETHING?! WHAT THE FUCK BIG P?!” She squirmed a little harder, but was unable to escape the robot’s grasp and settled into looking mildly irritated as she continued to be petted against her will.

 

“So anyway Andrei, we’re going to your house again today, right?” Petunia wasn’t even really asking. Andrei knew she’d be showing up to his house whether he was there or not, and his parents would definitely let her in. He cursed having a family that had been friends with hers since before either of them had been born. He was stuck with her.

 

Andrei sighed, and Petunia took that as some kind of affirmation. “Good, we’ll see you after school, then! Come on, P- oh.”

 

As she turned to retrieve her companion, she found the dormouse asleep in Dani’s arms, cuddling into the automaton’s chest and snoring happily. Dani gave Petunia a pleased-looking thumbs-up and followed her out of the room, still carrying her prize.

 

***

 

Andrei walked up the steps to his house, all three girls in tow. Before he could even put his key in the lock, the door swung open, revealing his mother.

 

“Oh, Andrei! You brought your little friends over again! Are they going to stay for dinner? I was just about to go out and…” She shivered a little. “Collect the eggs.

 

“Uh… do you want me to do it, mom? I know you’re kinda scared of the chickens.”

 

“NO! I’m not showing those little demonspawn any weakness!”

 

“…Mom, they’re just normal chickens.”

 

“THEY ARE NOT! They only pretend to be normal around you, but as soon as your back’s turned…!”

 

She took a paranoid glance behind her, screaming when she noticed a crowd of chickens had gathered behind her. They stared at her for a moment, then the one at the front, wearing a tiny helmet, ruffled her feathers.

 

The squad of chickens immediately sat down, leaving eggs on the floor before marching away.

 

“SEE?!” Natasha shouted, dramatically pointing at the chickens behind her.

 

“…Didn’t they save you the trouble, though, Auntie Natasha?” Petunia said, poking her head out from around Andrei.

 

Natasha fumed a moment, muttering curses at the chickens, when Cheslav stepped into the room, holding two armfuls of the birds. “Natasha, do not be mean to precious chickens! Comrade Peepers was only trying to help with chores.”

 

“Those… spawn of your demonic chicken shouldn’t be prancing about trying to make a fool of me! I am nobility, remember?!”

 

He looked mildly insulted, hugging his chickens a little closer to his chest. “Comrade Cluckers was good chicken who make more good chickens! Please be nice to little ones, they are still young and learning.”

 

Young? They’re more than 20 years old! What the hell kind of chicken even lives that long?”

 

Cheslav looked at his wife like she’d grown a second head. “Comrade Cluckers’ babies are special chickens.”

 

Natasha groaned in frustration. “I’m going to make dinner. Your friends have to stay, Andrei, we have too many eggs now.”

 

“Wait, what? But-”

 

Dani pushed her way past Andrei and Petunia, eyes sparkling as she gazed at Cheslav’s armful of fluffy, fluffy chickens. “May I… May I touch your cocks?”

 

Cheslav was confused. “Eeeh… comrades are hens.”

 

“I WISH TO PET THEM.” Dani repeated, her eyes starting to glow slightly red.

 

One of the chickens leapt out of Cheslav’s arms and landed on the automaton’s outstretched hand.  “Oh! Comrade Peckers says she wants to talk with Andrei’s new friend.”

 

As Dani began to stroke the hen, it began to peck her arm in an odd pattern. It was a few moments before something clicked in Dani’s head, and she looked down at the chicken, dumbfounded.

 

“It’s… yes, I’m Dani. …That’s right. …Really?”

 

Natasha poked her head out from the kitchen, squinting suspiciously at the chicken and robot. “What on earth are you doing, girl?”

 

“Pardon me, ma’am, we were just having a conversation in morse.”

 

“They know- what’s it saying?”

 

“Well, we were just- …I shouldn’t? I’m sorry, ma’am, Ms. Peckers says that this is a private conversation.”

 

A ghostly hand formed around Natasha’s, squeezing the wooden spoon she was holding until it shattered into splinters.

 

“Oh, is it? I’ll just leave you two to it, then.” She spat, storming off.

 

“…Yes, she does seem a bit… Alright, then.” Dani nodded at the chicken, then placed it atop her head.

 

An awkward silence passed before Cheslav broke it. “Ehhh, Petunia and friends welcome to stay for dinner. Will make boiled egg and horseradish sandwiches.”

Andrei shuddered, he hated boiled eggs and horseradish.

***

“So… robot lady. Does ehhh… have parents?” Cheslav asked, sitting at the table and being the only one to actually eat his dinner.

“Well, not in the traditional sense. The gremlin that built me can be considered my mother but…” Dani looked down at her sandwich

Cheslav nodded. “Why does tiny mouse carry around bat?”

Penelope shrugged. “Sometimes when you’re shorter than the rest, you need a little… extra persuasion to get your way, know what I’m sayin?”

Andrei scoffed. “As if it helped you with Dani.”

You wanna run that by me again?” Penelope waved her bat in his direction.

 

Cheslav continued on like he hadn’t even heard the exchange. “Reminds me of favourite baton from when I was very small gopnik! Had to steal from KGB while was trying to hit me with it, but was aaaall worth it.”

 

Andrei groaned. He was going to do it again. However, Penelope and Petunia’s ears perked up.

Cheslav recounted tales of his childhood, growing up in a country where the mafia had a very close relationship with local civilians. He talked at length about running with gangs, helping smugglers, even drinking on the weekends with terrorists before he was 15.

Penelope and Petunia were completely engrossed in his stories, in love with the idea of being a misfit of society and making it on their own by not following the rules. Eventually, Penelope spoke up.

“M-Mr. Cheslav, sir, do you know how we could obtain the strength to destroy our oppressors?”

Cheslav’s eye twitched, his pupil replaced with a red star for a split second. “Did you say… oppressor?”

“Uhhhh…” Penelope looked conflicted, as if she wasn’t sure whether or not she should say yes or no.

“YES! They are our oppressors.” Petunia butted in, causing Andrei to scream internally.

Cheslav stood up abruptly, causing everyone except Andrei to jump in surprise. “Be of following me, young comrades.”

***

 

Cheslav led them down the concrete stairs, Dani needing to nearly squat to get both her tall body and the chicken perched on her head through the large steel door.

 

They proceeded down flight after flight of stairs until Cheslav stopped abruptly on what seemed like a random landing, causing Andrei to almost bump into him. “Uh, dad?”

 

The gopnik turned to address the group, squatting down and running his finger along a barely-visible string at knee height. “Veeeeeery careful of strings, children, will make loud noise and also no legs.”

 

“…You know what mom said about traps in the house, right?”

 

“Andrei my son, this is not house, this is basement. You do not have to tell mother about this, okaaaay?” Cheslav disconnected the wire from the wall and spooled it up, tossing it on the floor before beckoning the rest of the group to follow.

 

Penelope sidled up to Andrei and nudged him with her elbow. “D-does he… usually do this?”

 

“Well, not that much anymore, since my mom doesn’t really like it, but-”

 

“I-is there going to be more?! I mean, a-are they in your house? How many ya got down here?! How are you supposed to see those little strings?! Should I go back? What if there’s more and then I’m all alone and-?!”

 

Penelope nearly squealed when Cheslav patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry little mouse. Will be very careful to-”

 

There was a small thump on the ground, and Cheslav looked down at a small green grenade he’d dropped at their feet. “…oops.”

 

The mouse screeched, jumping backward and attempting to use Dani as a shield, quivering.

 

A few tense seconds passed before Cheslav burst out in laughter, slapping Andrei on the back. “Haha, is best joke, is it not Andrei?”

 

“DAAAD!” Andrei whined.

 

The mouse poked her teary eyes out from behind Dani, who was taking the opportunity to slide in a cheeky pat. “W-what?”

 

“Is oldest trick in book small mouse! I remember when babushka would throw in crib to see if I had will to survive!” The entire group was stunned speechless for a full minute. What were you even supposed to say to that?

 

After a while waiting, Cheslav merely shrugged and continued leading the high schoolers further into the bunker. They passed several signs and doors, including one that read ‘Church Escape Tunnel,’ until they eventually came to a large blast door.

 

“Now children, is very important to be careful in workshop. Maaaany pointy and spicy things. Also very fun things. Come, I show.”

 

The gopnik input several complicated-looking codes into a number of pads and the whole bunker shook as the heavy steel door slid open, revealing a veritable armoury of guns, explosives and various tools in addition to vehicles- all stowed in what seemed like an organised kind of disarray.

 

Dani looked around the shop, entranced at the sheer volume of machines and material that outmatched even her mother’s messy workspace. Cheslav practically pranced around the room, weaving through piles of junk and considering various items in the shop.

 

“Ay, blyat, not again! Was supposed to be good cosmo.” He spat in disgust, pulling out several very moist Nagants and throwing them into an empty box of similar-looking rifles. “Cannot leave barrel open for one day without more growing, blyat.”

 

The automaton rubbed her legs together on seeing the soaked guns treated so roughly after their impromptu grease bath.

 

“Oooooh, my hip servos have gotten sooooooo~ stiff from walking down all those stairs~” Dani said, her eyes flickering for a moment before artificially becoming hearts. “If only someone with small, cute little paws could rub me down for a nice reward.

 

She glanced down at Penelope, who looked around the room, flustered. “Uh, that’s, uh… kinda, like… I mean, y-you’ve got a handsome fella right here, don’t ya?”

 

Andrei’s heart leapt. Was this his chance? Sure, she was a bit, weird, but she seemed like she was really nice! It was a lot better than his other options. This could be the start of something great for him! He could already imagine getting to walk through the school with her instead of having the school ‘gang’ following him around and making people look at him like he was a leper. “H-hey, Dani, if you want, I could-”

 

“Of course, Cheslav will do! Come here, robot lady.”

 

The tingling in Dani’s artificial loins immediately left her. “Er, no, that’s-”

 

“Not be silly, Cheslav will fix.” He stuck a well-greased finger into one of the automaton’s hip joints, and after fiddling around for a moment, seemingly found what he had been looking for. “Ah! This is problem!”

 

“Wait, d-!” Dani fell to her knees before making several sounds like a jammed photocopier, displaying a blue error screen on her eyes.

 

Andrei ran to the android, heaving what had to be at least 200 pounds of metal onto his lap. “Dad! What did you do to her?!”

 

“Took out useless garbage! Was clogging machinery, is no wonder robot lady feels pain from moving legs.” Cheslav said defensively, holding a mechanical component with a few wires on it behind his back. “Besides, is already waking up, see!”

 

The sound of a fan starting was followed by a little startup jingle and the robot’s eyes returned to normal. She reached up, patting Andrei on the head. Did this mean…? Was she… well, he probably shouldn’t get his hopes up, but-

 

“Andrei?”

 

“O-oh, right! Sorry, uh, I can let you go now.”

 

Cheslav rubbed his hands together like nothing had happened. “Now then, children, we get you things to help fight imperialists, da?”

 

Petunia, realising she may have gotten herself into a more serious situation than she thought, tried to interject. “Uh, actually, we meant-”

 

“Here, take these, will help.” He shoved an AK and several magazines into her arms before she could finish. “Now, robot lady is veeeeery tall…”

 

He paced around the room a bit, shaking his head at a few things.

 

“No, is too- Aha!” he scooped up an anti-tank rifle and an RPG that had been propped up in the same corner and dragged them over to Dani. “Now, tell Uncle Cheslav if is not enough, still have turret from tank I used to drive to high school. Now little mouse, how about nice PPSh for-”

 

Penelope clutched her baseball bat defensively, shaking her head. “Mr. Naptime has been with me since I was a baby! I’m not just abandoning him for some.. shitty‘ little boomstick where I can’t even see their faces!”

 

“Hmm… Cheslav understands. Once, had most powerful weapon in world, and was also best friend. Is sad Comrade Peckers and sisters could not meet parent.” He paused for a moment. “Ah, have idea. Come, bring Comrade Naptime, we will make stronger.”

 

After a few minutes of work, Cheslav wiped the sweat from his brow and handed the mouse back her bat, now with several nails sticking out the end.

 

Just as the mouse began chuckling in cruel glee, giving the bat a few test swings, there was an explosion outside and Natasha stormed into the room, wearing a singed cooking apron and brandishing a ladle.

 

“CHESLAV, ARE YOU GIVING CHILDREN RIFLES AGAIN?”

 

“O-oh! Natasha, did not expect so soo- er, to see you in normal, boring basement! Is wonderful idea, we give something smaller, easy to hide in backpa- Agh, blyat!”

 

Natasha easily lifted the aging gopnik off his feet by his ear. Babushka’s technique always worked like a charm to put a stop to whatever nonsense he’d get himself in at least weekly, if not daily. “Now, children, lay down those guns and go upstairs for dinner. Me and my DEAR HUSBAND need to have another talk about leaving TRAPS IN THE HOUSE.”

 

The group of teens gently placed the guns that had been thrust upon them into a heap and nearly ran out of the room when they saw the fire in her eyes.

 

“Ehe… B-but Natasha, is not house, is baseme- W-what are you doing with ladle?”

 

***
The Next Day at School

“Alright, summer break was fun and all, but this year we gotta get serious. Right Andrei!?” Petunia asked, swatting Andrei on the rear.

“Oh! Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you not to do that. And I was actually thinking that this year would be better spent improving ourselves and our grades and stuff.” Andrei turned so she no longer had easy access to his unguarded behind.

“I agree, we’ve not done a very good job striking fear into the hearts of our enemies. We really need to…” Petunia leaned in. “…Up the ante.”


Andrei raised his eyes in suspicion. “What do you mean ‘Up the ante?’”

“Yeah. Now that we have a cold unfeeling robot to do our grunt work, I say we get a little more bold with our bullying tactics.”

“…Bold?” Andrei folded his arms.

“Yeah, if we want to get any power in this school, first we need money. Money equals power. Dani, that’s where you come in.”

Dani, who up until now hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation, suddenly jolted awake. “Uwah? Uhhh… What did you want me to do again?”

“Collect funds, go around and demand people give you their lunch money. Also, make sure to insist it’s going to a good cause so they don’t feel too bad about getting bamboozled. As I’ve learned, the best way to be a bad guy is to be ruthless in defeat but magna- magin… fuckin’… dad says this shit all the time… magnetic in victory.”

Dani considered it for a moment, then spoke up. “Very well, but in return I wish to be known as D4-N1 from now on.”

“Oh yeah! We forgot to give you a super awesome badass nickname! But eeh… are you sure you want it to be… D4-N1?”

“It’s a lot better than Big P…

I beg your fuckin’ pardon?

A brief smile flashed across Dani’s face. “Nothing. I will go acquire funds.”

“Yeah, that’s what I damn well thought.” Petunia muttered before turning her attention towards Penelope. “And you, your new task is to get people scared of us. That fatass who’s always on the staircase seems like he’s a bloody big corndog fund, the fatass, so he’s a good place to start.”

“I was gonna take a nap! Come on! You know I always- Actually, you know what? Fine.” With that, Penelope picked up her new spiked bat and hurried over to the staircase near their usual meeting spot on the roof.

Upon seeing her walking towards him with a weapon in hand, the tubster attempted to make a run for it, but he walked up a grand total of six steps before falling on one knee and bracing himself on the bannister, panting like a dog with cholera. “P-please, oh g-god, take whatever you want! Just don’t hurt my corndogs!”

Penelope grinned, clearly satisfied with his reaction. “Ha. Nice try, bub. On your knees.”

Suddenly, a few heads snapped in their direction. Wait, that girl was holding a spiked bat!? Was she really just going to… in front of everyone?

The boy trembled as he closed his eyes, waiting for whatever gruesome death she had planned in store. He was confused when he felt her head resting on his lap.

“…You ain’t going to piss yourself, are ya?” Petunia asked, eyes closed.

“Uh… m-m-maybe?”

“Pfft, better fuckin’ not. Otherwise I’ll crack your skull open with Mr. Naptime. Now shut the fuck up and don’t move, I’m tired.”

Within seconds, she had fallen asleep, leaving her victim unsure of what he should be doing or whether he should still be scared.

 

***

 

Where the hell was she? Petunia had dashed away as soon as Penelope had stomped off. He was starting to get concerned she’d do something… Drastic.

 

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT! HE’S WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL AND HE LOVES ME!”

 

Well, that definitely sounded like one of the kikimoras from next door, and he doubted Petunia’s mom had come for a visit outside parent-teacher conferences, so…

 

When Andrei burst into one of the empty classrooms, he found a screaming jock tied to a chair, Petunia pepperspraying the man aggressively while she held a the broken leg of another chair over her shoulder. Oh no.

 

Maybe he could shake her out of it? “Uh, P-Petunia? H-uh… hey hot stuff, why don’t you just let the nice man-”

 

The kikimora’s head spun around 180 degrees, and she squinted at him for a moment. “NO! ANDREI, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MISERABLE FUCKING SCUMBAG SAID ABOUT YOU!?”

 

“Look, it can’t have been-”

 

“HE!” She said, pointing her chair leg at the man, who was busy begging for mercy. “THIS COCKSUCKER CALLED YOU A MISERABLE PUSSY! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING ROB HIM, BUT OOOOH, NO! HIM AND HIS BIG FUCKING MOUTH! DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HE FUCKING SAID?! HE FUCKING SAID YOU ONLY HANG OUT WITH ME BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARED OF ME! HE SAID I WAS FUCKING CRAZY!”

 

“P-Petunia, I don’t know where he’d get that impression, so why don’t you-”

 

“I’M NOT FUCKING CRAZY, SO I’M JUST GOING TO PULL HIS TEEF OUT SO HE CAN’T SPREAD HIS FUCKING LIES ANY MORE, OKAY!? HE CAN CRAWL BACK ON HIS BROKEN FUCKING LEGS TO HIS SHITTY FRIENDS AND HE WON’T EVEN NEED TO TALK FOR THEM TO LEARN THEIR LESSON! NOW BE A DEAR AND GRAB A CHAIR LEG, WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER LIKE WE’RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES-”

 

Andrei stepped out of the room and slammed the door. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. She’d never been so mad that he couldn’t stop her before. Okay. Calm down. Who would know what to do about this? Maybe her dad would know?! He could just call him. Y-yeah!

 

***

 

Church’s phone rang unexpectedly. He already hated this. It had better not be one of those miserable bloody telephone solicitors.

 

“Hello?”

 

“CHURCH! HOLY FUCK THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED!”

 

Cheslav’s boy? “What in god’s name has gotten you so excited, er… And… Andrew?”

 

“That’s not- Okay, your daughter kind of wanted to start a gang and she needed some money so she went out to rob some people and this one guy said the wrong thing so now she’s pepper spraying him and saying she’s going to pull out his teeth and break his knees! What do I do?!”

 

Church snorted. “Good lord, doesn’t she know we’re rich? Why does she need to take lunch money from commoners?”

 

“That’s not-”

 

Church stopped paying attention to the phone for a moment when Prudence walked into his study with tea. “Oh! Master, who are you talking to?”

 

“Cheslav’s boy. Something about Petunia going around breaking people’s legs for lunch money.”

 

“Oh, Master, that’s wonderful! She’s turning out to be a little scamp just like we were at that age!”

 

“Good fucking lord woman! You don’t break a man’s legs for loose change when you’ve got our stature! This ought to be about something important like a trade dispute or morally justified like stolen underwear!”

 

Andrei was completely dumbfounded by the conversation he was witnessing on the other side of the phone. He knew they were a bit… out there, but… what the hell? “L-look! I really need to stop her, okay! This is going way too far and-”

 

“I agree, boy. I won’t have one of my servants dirtying her hands with commoners’ blood. I can only afford buy out the the school staff a few dozen more times this month. The best solution is just a bit of chloroform. You’re Cheslav’s son, so I’m sure you’ve got some stashed away in your trousers.”

 

“W-what?! Why the hell would I have that?!”

 

“You don’t? Well, I suppose you’re right fuckered then. Anyway, I have to talk to my head maid about appropriate behaviour.

 

“Master, does that mean we’re having a seventh daughter?!”

 

“What?! NO! NO! GET THE HELL AWAY-”

 

Before Andrei could get another word in, Church hung up.

 

***

 

Cheslav leaned out of the door of his office, looking at row after row of his frantically working office subordinates. Being middle management sure was boring. Everyone was always so perfectly behaved and never took any breaks if he was watching. It was weird, it’s like they were scared of him when they were just glorious comrades working toward a brighter future and full capitalism!

 

Cheslav nearly jumped at the opportunity when the phone on his desk rang. Maybe it was the… er… what was his title? Office politburo man. “Hello, this is CIA headquarter, who needs to be sending to ‘secret’ Cuba gulag? Just kidding, is-”

 

“Dad, no! Petunia is losing it and Church wasn’t any help!”

 

“Oh, tiny Prudence again? You know, is just like her mother. You just need to calm down!”

 

“SHE’S HOLDING A GUY HOSTAGE AND SAYING SHE’S GOING TO PULL OUT HIS TEETH!”

 

“Maybe you just need to calm down situation with funny prank then?”

 

“W-what do you mean?” …Maybe it could work! Dad was always full of surprises!

 

“Will show you funny prank! Even help Marshall to meet wife! All you have to do is throw gas grenade into room! Everyone cry tears of joy and have lots of fun and be friends after! Watch!”

 

Cheslav reached into his suitcase, digging around a bit until he found one of his tear gas canisters and his gas mask. He stood up and walked to the door, leaning through the frame and getting the office’s attention.

 

“Comrades! Have present for good work!”

 

A few observant souls saw the gas mask in Cheslav’s hand and started bolting towards the exit, but none of the 46 office workers Cheslav oversaw managed to escape before the gas canister started pouring extremely spicy air into the office.

 

“See, Andrei? Everyone is having lots of fun running around and crying together! Is happy occasion!” Cheslav said, through his gas mask.

 

“…Dad, first of all, where the hell would I get a tear gas grenade?”

 

“Is one in gym bag! Made sure to pack after meddling wife did precursory check.”

 

“I’M NOT GASSING MY FRIENDS!”

 

“Don’t be silly, you see how whole office is happy! They are screaming with joy!”

 

“DAD, YOU’RE ON THE PHONE, I CAN’T SEE YOU! AND IF EVERYONE’S SCREAMING,  DID YOU GAS THE OFFICE AGAIN?!”

 

“Ah! Are right, son! I will go to school and show, wait right there!”

 

“WAIT-”

 

*click*

 

***

 

Andre was getting desperate. M-maybe Marshall?

 

The phone rang a few times before he got an answer from a loud-sounding background.

 

“Hey howdy hey. Cowpoke Electric, Marshall speakin’. Can we wrangle some wires fer ya today?”

 

“Marshall? It’s Andrei.”

 

“Oh, hey buddy. Dad gas the office again?”

 

“Well… Yes, but that’s not what I’m calling about. Petunia is losing it on some guy and threatening to pull out his teeth and stuff.”

 

“Well, shit. Ya try chloroformin’ her already?”

 

“Why are you all- No, I don’t have chloroform!”

 

“…Y’sure? That don’t seem like your family. Are ya doing okay, bud?”

 

“Look, she’s just… I need help, okay?!”

 

“I’ll say. Your dad’s lettin’ you go around unprepared as all get out. Look, if ya need ta fix ‘er up right and ya ain’t got nothin’ to knock her out, why don’t ya just do what we did fer Prudence? Just find whoever’s her Church and throw ‘im in front of her.”

 

Andrei began to sweat. He knew who it was. He’d always known who it was, but he’d been pretending he didn’t notice. He’d hoped if he just ignored it, it wouldn’t be true. But… He wasn’t fooling anyone.

 

“It’s, uh…” Andrei paused, sniffling. “I-it’s me.”

 

There was a long pause before Marshall responded. “…I am so sorry. You’re right fuckerooed.”

 

*click*

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

***

 

This was getting out of hand. He was desperate. Andrei had finally managed to catch up to Dani after all three adults were completely unhelpful, but she had already found a mark. The poor boy was pushed against a wall, the large android looming over him.

 

“I require funds.”

 

“U-uh… Do you mean, uh-”

 

“P L E A S E I N S E R T C O I N S”

 

“I-I uh… I don’t- h-have to, you know…”

 

“IT WOULD MAKE THE BIG P VERY DISPLEASED IF I HAD TO BREAK YOU.”

 

“T-the what?!”

 

“Then again, perhaps she’d allow it. Shall we find out?”

 

“I-I’m sorry, l-look, take my money, okay?!”

 

Dani leaned in, touching the boy’s ear with her mouth. “Guess where my coin slot is located~”

 

OKAY, THAT WAS ENOUGH. Andrei sensed his moment and dashed in. “DANI YOU GOTTA FUCKING HELP ME!”

“What’s the matter, third wheel?” Dani asked, casually tossing aside her would-be victim.

“Petunia is about to break a guy’s kneecaps and my dad’s coming to LOB A GRENADE AT THE SCHOOL SO I CAN MAKE FRIENDS!!!”

“I fail to see how lobbing a grenade will lead to anything but fewer friends.”

“THAT’S WHAT I SAID! Anyway, I need you to help me. I can probably handle my dad but there’s no way I can get Petunia out of this bloodlust.”

“And what should I do, then?”

“I dunno, just fucking hit them in their temples and knock them out using that perfect robot precision or something. Please? I-I’m really worried she’s gonna do something fucked up and I don’t know if I can stop her any more!”

Dani looked at the small, pathetic man begging. She hadn’t noticed how cute he was when he looked so… helpless.. She felt some of her components warming up on their own. “…Say I did help you with this little predicament, what’s in it for me~? I could also just as easily walk away and leave you all to your fate…”

“Fuck. I uhhh….” Andrei rummaged around through his backpack, looking for something, anything that could be of interest to Dani. Wait, maybe these would work…

“I’ve got some double A batteries?”

Dani looked at him, then the batteries. It wasn’t what she was hoping for, but…

 

“Fine, but just so you know, AA batteries are the discount dried peanuts of the battery world. I’d much prefer a nice, big D cell from you. Just something to keep in mind next time you ask me for a favor.” She popped them into her mouth, chewing them while the aluminum made the most awful noise being ground against her teeth. “Oh bwy duh wehy, hit’s wacist to asswume I eat bhattewies.”

 

***

 

Petunia raised her makeshift bat, ready to strike down the idiot who DARED to insult Andrei. She swung.

 

Nothing happened.

 

She looked up and her dumbass beating stick hadn’t moved.

 

Dani gripped the chair leg a little tighter. “Big P. It’s time to go.”

 

“IF YOU FUCKING TRY TO STOP ME, I’M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU FIR-”

 

The kikimora collapsed as Dani used her kung-fu chop action to instantly knock her unconscious. “There we are, Andrei. Now, are we going to-”

 

Before she could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by a short man in a suit bursting into the room. “Not to worry, Andrei, Cheslav is- oh. You take care of problem with tiny Prudence?”

 

“…Hi dad. Her name is Petunia, and yes. No thanks to any of the ‘adults’ in my life.”

 

“Oh, did you use chloroform? Aaaalways work for kikimora who need to have sleepy times.”

 

“What? Why do all of you think I have chloroform?”

 

“Andrei! Would never let you leave house not prepared. Did you forget about chloroform bottle in gym bag?”

 

“What?! I thought that was cologne!”

 

“Andrei, do not be silly. ‘Kikimora sleepytime juice’ is not man perfume brand, is special blend of 16 herbs and chloroforms. Do not sniff like Church, yes?”

 

“Fucking… Okay. Shouldn’t you be at work right now?”

 

“Oh, right! Came to show you this!” With no hesitation, Cheslav dropped a canister of tear gas onto the floor and donned his gas mask.

 

God, did his dad really think he was stupid enough to leave home without a gas mask? That would be completely irresponsible.

 

Dani, completely immune to a little bit of spicy gas, stood awkwardly beside the two gas-masked men as Petunia and the jock she had kidnapped sputtered and tried not to vomit.

 

“WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!”

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