Paladin Reintegration Programme

Times were hard for the humble Paladin. The Demon Lord had won, and monstergirls were now accepted throughout the kingdom. A Paladin no longer had any place in a world where men now freely slept with these monstrous women. But the new government was determined to retrain these poor men, and reintegrate them into decent society. No matter what the cost.

“How many more times are you going to get sent here this week!?”

You bravely faced your foe, a mighty dragon. But you had battled this monstrosity many a time before, and were not afraid. You were Sir Alfred Yaleton, noble Paladin and servant of our most wondrous Chief Goddess. Compared to her love this demon was but a helpless child. By the end of the day many a tale would be told about your heroic vanquishing of Kathy from Human Resources.

“You kneed Heather in the face! All she did was offer you a titfuck!” The dragon snarled. The evil beast was correct, you had indeed battled with the foul Holstaurus from accounting, and tasted sweet victory before your nemesis had summoned you into her dark lair. “You might have given her concussion, you fuckwit!” Smoke billowed from her mouth as she glowered down at you. Her room had been made fireproof due to health and safety concerns, the concerns being that she might burn down this building like the last two she was stationed at.

How such a mighty warrior had fallen, not long ago you were a legend, a protector of the innocent. Songs were sung of your great deeds by the finest bards of the land, and Tom Jones. But now you simply toiled away in an office surrounded by the repugnant beasts who you once fought bitterly against.

“Ara ara! Alfie’s been a naughty boy!” cooed an Arachne hanging from the ceiling. You didn’t know what kind of incantation “ara ara” was, but you thought it best to assume she was attempting to curse you. You reached for your holy shield to protect yourself, only to remember it was confiscated last week, when you hit that Lizardwoman in the head with it for slapping your ass.

The Arachne descended from her web, cluttered with paperwork and a terrified, struggling temp. “I think you need to relax a little. How would you like to keep little Timothy here some company?” She grinned, pointing to the sobbing boy. Numerous monstergirls swooned at the thought of a dashing Paladin being forced to make out with an innocent young child.

“Unhand that child, wicked demon!” You cry, waving a half eaten toblerone menacingly towards the Arachne, because your sword was also confiscated. There was that amnesty and your counselor really thought it would help your progress if you could just let go. You still lamented the day you handed your divine blade over to those monsters, but at least you had an angsty story to tell at the next group session.

“I’m not a child I’m 23!” Protested the boy, as he continued to struggle fruitlessly against the demonic spider’s bonds.

“Do not fear, child! I have slain many a demon in my time, and will soon have you free!” You assure him, as the Arachne completely ignores you in favour of caressing her tits and moaning lewdly in an attempt to arouse you both.

You prepare to strike this revolting wench down when you are interrupted by the terrifying scream of a succubus:

“YALETON! IN MY OFFICE, NOW!”

The unholy temptress who you now unfortunately answer to has demanded your presence. She most likely has a grievance with you over the injury of Heather from accounting. Monstergirls were sore losers indeed.

“Kathy just spoke to me.” The blue abomination scowled. “Heather has had to go to the hospital for a check up. That’s four girls you’ve sent home with an injury this week, Alfred. Tell me, how do you justify yourself in all this?” The imposingly tall woman leaned back in her big leather chair, furiously glaring at you the whole time, her breasts straining against the business suit that was clearly far too small for her.

“I will vanquish all evil before me, vile woman!” You proudly boast. “Heather from accounting was no match for my righteousness and might! She dared to challenge a Paladin and she paid the penalty for it!”

“YOU FUCKING BEAT A WOMAN’S HEAD IN FOR TRYING TO FUCK YOU!” The succubus bellowed. “It would be bad enough if there weren’t three others this week, too! I know I agreed to this stupid program, but this is fucking ridiculous! If I see you in my office one more time this week, you’re fired! Get the fuck out of my sight!”

Foolish demon, did she not know that you had your armour reinforced against flame magic? She was clearly an amateur at best. You walk triumphantly from the succubi’s office, and realise you’re hungry. Remaining vigilant against the evils of this new world builds a healthy appetite in you.

You brave your way down to the cafe, and find to your disgust that today’s special is pizza.

The savages, did they not know that pizza on a weekday is clearly a sin, as defined in the scripture? The Chief God herself clearly set it out as a weekend thing, this was just a blatant disregard of all good taste. You would purge this entire building for this transgression, but you really did need this job in all honesty, and your counselor would be displeased at you having another “episode”.

Hungry and dejected, you make your way back to your cubicle. But before you can make it there, you are distracted by the unmistakeable sound of a damsel in distress!

“For fucks sake! I just changed the cartridge, what’s wrong now?”

You burst into the room and decree: “Fear not fair maiden, for I shall aid you in your hour of need!”

The woman looks at you and groans “oh just fuck off already, Alfred!”

You lock eyes with your opponent. Well, it doesn’t have eyes due to being a photocopier, but you make a point of glaring at the screen instead, where you assume it would have eyes if it had any.

“How dare you inconvenience this fair maiden!” You cry, pounding the wretched thing with a box of toner.

Your opponent remained stubborn and resolute against your rage, responding only with a mocking “Paper jam in tray 2.”

Enraged by this callous display, you hit the arrogant box of mimicry with all your might, causing it to make a repeated beeping noise.

The copier began to smoke, and shudders. The light fades from the display, and you cast a bolt of holy magic through the wretched thing. Victory was yours!

Before you could savour your great victory over this worthy adversary, it unleashed a final curse upon your house with it’s dying breath: The fire alarm had been triggered from the smoke it belched into the air, and the fire department it had summoned.

This would mean panic throughout the office. It was your duty to ensure that no one was harmed by the wicked photocopier’s evil curse, or the rush for the fire exit it would cause.

There was no time to waste, you crashed through the thin cubicle wall and screamed at all nearby to run for their lives from the incoming inferno. Realizing that the fire exit was too small for a large influx of people, you hurl the mightiest destructive spell you can at the door, blasting it apart and leaving ample room for your terrified colleagues to escape. You may be among monsters, but as a Paladin you saw it as your duty to save them all.

You rushed through the panicking mass to the assembly point outside reception, and immediately knelt in thanks to the Chief God for sparing you and all who worked within De’ville Papers.

To the delight of all the monsters standing outside, a truck full of firemen arrived at the scene, and were prevented from entering the building by numerous monstrous Christmas cakes fawning over them, making inappropriate offers, and outright ripping their clothes off for a loud and public rape. Remembering the seminar on sexual harassment your workplace had (begrudgingly so at the insistence of the legal department) you made a point to inform your boss on this development, only to find her in a state of undress with a frightened young firefighter.

“O-oh dear me! I feel all faint!” She moans, rubbing herself all over the fireman. “Maybe you should take me back to the station for a thorough examination!”

The firefighter is now frightened AND confused. “Uhh… m’am? I’m a fireman, not a paramedic-“

“IT’S STILL A UNIFORM, BABY! NOW TAKE IT OFF!” The boss yells excitably, tossing off her own clothes and throwing the man to the floor with a lust crazed cackle. It was then you heard more sirens. Thank the Chief God, the police were here. Now they could arrest these awful people for their lack of public decency.

The Arachne from earlier noticed the cruisers pulling up “Firemen and cops? Is it my birthday?” She cries happily, leading a rush into the men, who now clearly regretted taking this call in the first place.

“Uh… we got a call about a suspicious fire?” One of the nervously asks

The Arachne throws herself at him “There’s a fire in my loins right now, officer!” You watch this, and reflect in disgust on the collapse of modern civilization. Do we really want our children to grow up in a world where the emergency services disrobe at crime scenes?

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, a news crew arrived. They came to report on the fire but stumbled into the orgy/mass emergency service rape instead. The six O’clock news would now be R rated in any decent town, but it was already apparent that this was not a decent town.

Not even attempting to conceal the fact that she was masturbating, the Anubis reporter noticed a Paladin standing amongst all the struggling and writhing, and decided to press you for your opinion on the matter.

Against all good judgement, you decided to speak out against the waste of public time and funds the police and fire service were currently involved in, citing that if they wanted to get raped by a bunch of horny monstergirls, then they could damn well do it on their own time.

With that, you left the interview in disgust, and the Anubis immediately jumped on Timothy instead, dragging the still sobbing boy to the floor while promising a career in “show business” just so long as he put out.

To your extreme annoyance, the fire engine was blocking the staff car park, and the orgy was disrupting traffic. You would have to walk home today. In full armour. In the hot sun. You couldn’t even car pool because you sent the only person willing to do that with you to the hospital earlier.

You began the long walk home. In all, it wasn’t the worst day you’ve had at this place.

At least you got to go home early today.

***

You wake up from a relaxing sleep, dreaming of glorious smiting and divine retribution on this awful and amoral city of monstergirls and monstergirl fornicators. You look over to your alarm clock, and see that it is 9.23 am. Good, you can still rest in your comfy bed and-

BY THE CHIEF GOD, YOU’RE LATE FOR WORK!

You leap out of bed, no time for a shower you can just spray deodorant everywhere and hope you don’t sweat too much in your unbelievably heavy and stuffy armour. After throwing it on as fast as you can, you sprint out of the door. You fool! How could you allow yourself to be lazy?

You were hungry, but there was no time for breakfast. You briefly considered making some toast, but immediately decided against it when you remembered what happened last time. For reasons you still did not understand to this day, running with toast in your mouth causes any school aged monstergirls in the vicinity to immediately change their course and attempt a running collision with you, only to ask the baffling question “You saw, didn’t you?”

Remembering the car was still parked at work following yesterday’s shameful display by the cities “finest”, you realized that the only course of action left was to take the degrading and lowly path of public transportation.

Sprinting for the bus stop, you noticed that you were in luck. The bus was still there, you could still get to work and apologize to the disgusting harlot you worked for. But treachery was afoot! One of the lewd legions sitting in the vehicle noticed your charge towards the door, and cried

“HOLY SHIT, IT’S THAT CRAZY GUY, GET OUT OF HERE!”

The bus immediately pulled out of the stop and began its journey without you. This was unacceptable, you needed to be on this bus.

“I demand that this peasant wagon halts immediately, in the name of the Chief God!” You order, running alongside the window and hoping that the Lamia driving it would notice you. Alas, she did not, and you were left with no option but to make the long walk to work instead, and with no answer as to how something with no legs could even drive in the first place.

With no other option, you run as fast as you can through the city streets, dodging through the citizens and monsters.

You were making good time considering you were also weighed down by all that armour, but were distracted by a scuffle just ahead.

“Help, those men took my bag!”

You saw some kikimora being robbed by two men, who immediately fled the scene. You couldn’t believe your eyes: Did those two just loot a monster BEFORE slaying it? They even left it alive, how could they even begin to call themselves adventurers? Wasting no time, you took after them, as a servant of the Chief God it was your duty to teach lesser men the true path. “Stop!” You command, but the men instead look behind themselves and run faster. What is wrong with people today, unwilling to listen to a noble paladin? You blamed rap music. And fornicating with monstergirls, yes, especially that.

The men ran into an alleyway, and you continued your pursuit. It was a dead end, and both the men had sunk to their knees. “Please man, don’t hurt us! Here, take it!” They threw the bag at you, and ran past. You tried to call them back to explain your noble intent, but they had disappeared into the crowd. What a confusing series of events, you only wanted to educate them in the ways of questing.

“Thank you so much!” The kikimora beamed. Impressive that the beast kept up with you, but this was no time to converse with monsters. You threw the bag back to her, not needing it.

“Speak not to me, sinner! I am Sir Alfred Yaleton of Valewood, champion of the Chief God’s divine word, and three time junior scrabble champion!” The third time was on a technicality, but you weren’t about to admit that. “Stand aside or I shall smite you with my righteous light!”

The kikimora stood there, with a strange look on her face. She was breathing heavily, staring at you, and… was she drooling? “yes…. YES! Smite me, mighty Paladin! I’ve been a naughty, evil girl! Rend the clothes from my lewd body and impale me on your holy lance!” She screamed excitably.

what.

The insane maid lunged at you, hands outstretched and practically foaming at the mouth with excitement. Wonderful, you’ve encountered yet another defective monstergirl who sees Paladins as some kind of S&M fetish instead of something to be feared. You skillfully sidestep the madwoman’s lust crazed grab, and resumed your sprint to work. It would appear that you have made quite the impression on the kikimora, because she seems to be following you there. You’ll have to lose her somehow. If only you had your divine sword, you could have shown this slut what smiting was truly about.

“Leave me be, demon! I have not time for you!” You call behind you.

“Yes! I’m a useless piece of shit! Call me a fucking whore! Spit in my face! kick me to the ground, trample on me, piss all over me, put a cigar out on myfacepunchmeinthecuntmakemewatcheveryadamsandlermoviemakemelickyourbootscallmeaterriblewritefagntrmewithmysister!” The kikimora was hyperventilating and practically masturbating behind you. Suddenly, you just came to a horrifying realization: You forgot to put on your triple locked chastity belt in your rush to leave the house! Without a weapon or a chastity belt, this lunatic actually had a chance of sullying you!

With renewed vigor, you sprinted harder into the crowd. Perhaps you should have called in today and said you had a stomach bug or something?

As you ran, you noticed how it was no good, this monster was impossibly fast for some lowly maid, and if anything, ignoring her was only feeding her libido. You had only once choice, attack her as you have all the others, and remind her that Paladins are an institution to be feared and not some sinful bedroom game. You spin around an punch her as hard in the face as you can, giving a quick prayer to the Chief God as you do, in the vague hope it’ll make you punch harder somehow.

Her reaction was not quite as you expected. She stood shocked for a moment, most likely in terror of your power as a warrior and – OK, no, she was just having an orgasm. She arched her back and squealed loudly in pleasure, before crumpling to the floor with her eyes rolled back and tongue hanging out, leaving a small pool of drool on the floor. You noticed her crotch was damp as well. She must have wet herself. Yes, that must be it! Wet herself in fear of the mighty Sir Alfred Yaleton. The kikimora’s arms twitched a little and she murmured “Hit me again….master!”

You were sure she would be down for long enough now, so you left this appalling state on the floor and resumed your quest to get to work. Only one more block to go, you’d be horrendously late, but at least you would get there eventually.

You turn the corner and bump into a familiar looking police officer. Of course, he was the man that arachne co – worker violated yesterday! “Well, well. What do we have here?” He began. “So you think we should get raped on our own time, do you?” He began beating a nightstick against the palm of his hand. “What makes you think you can tell us how to do our jobs, Mr. Knight?”

“Please good Sirs, I don’t want any trouble-” you were stopped by a repeated bludgeoning from the furious police officers. You couldn’t help but wish the kikimora was here. Maybe she’d have offered to take this in your place, she certainly seemed to be the sort to enjoy this. You also wondered why citizens were just walking past, ignoring this blatant example of police brutality, but were at least thankful that no one was having sex or disrobing today. That’s always a plus.

After a while they finished expressing their disagreement with your statement on last night’s news and left you in a pile on the street. You couldn’t help but question the intelligence of two policemen beating someone in protective armour designed for heavy combat with a blunt instrument, but you really had to get to work now.

Out of breath, and exhausted, you burst into your office. Only to be met with a huge werewolf pounding on a supply closet door. You could clearly hear Timothy crying inside.

“I’ll huff…and I’ll puff…” taunted the wolf through the door. “AND I’LL KICK DOWN THE FUCKING DOOR AND RAPE YOU TILL YOU PASS OUT AHAHAHAHA!” She laughed, easily rushing through the door to the horrified screams of the defenseless temp inside. You’re exhausted, but this poor child is in need of your help!

“YALETON, WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?”

The rescue would regrettably have to wait. You passed the violent public pelvic assault and entered the boss’ room.

“It’s five in the fucking afternoon you idiot, why did you even bother to turn up at all!?” The succuslut challenged.

“A Paladin will always fulfill his obligations, even to soulless hell spawn!” You proudly reply.

“I don’t care anymore you maniac, I’m docking your pay for this. Now get out of my sight, and don’t attack anyone!”

You return to your work station, with only half an hour left to go anyway. Today would not be a productive day. You sigh and go to the coffee machine. Out of order.

Fuck everything.

***

You wake up with an immense feeling of dread and partial annoyance – for the succubitch had declared today as the company picnic. No sane Paladin would ever agree to spend his free time with these abominations, but your counselor brought this up at your last session and thought it would be a good idea for you to go. Supposedly, it would show that you had made “progress” if you could stand the entire farce without smiting anything. After many hours of careful consideration you came to the conclusion that you would go, but only for a couple of hours and if only to shut your counselor up. You couldn’t promise not to smite anything though. Asking a Paladin not to smite evil whores would be like, well, asking a monster not to be an evil whore.

Procrastinating as much as possible, you begin to ready your supplies for this self imposed torture. You had decided to bring your own food and drink, because whatever these cretins ate would certainly be poison to a human, or at the very least unpalatable. You also considered taking the newest addition to your armory – the holy knuckleduster. You still weren’t allowed divine blades in city limits due to that idiotic law, but if that Kikimora encounter had taught you anything, it was that some problems go away if hit hard enough in the face. People might argue that a knuckleduster couldn’t be a divine weapon, such as the priest you harassed to repeatedly bless it, but you were certain that if you tried hard enough the Chief God would notice and think “eh, fuck it”.

On second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t take that with you. It would only add more ammunition to your counselor’s endless ramblings, and more padding to your police file. It can wait until you go back to work instead.

Interrupted from your musings by a knock at the door, you answer it only to find yourself in the unpleasant presence of a Dark Priestess.

“Hello sir, I’d like to talk to you about the Fallen God, and the sin of chastity!”

You scowl at her, only to remember that your face is entirely concealed by the massive helmet that you never take off, so facial expressions are actually pretty pointless in this instance. If you had actually considered this earlier then several misunderstandings in the past could have been avoided. Oh well. You looked in disgust at the monster’s garments: A perverted mockery of a nun’s habit displaying their legs and cleavage for all to see. She was clearly begging for it. “It” being a smiting, of course.

“Remove yourself from my presence, foul monster!” You cry. “A mere fallen deity pales in comparison to the glory of the true God. Repent your wicked ways and pray for a painless end at the hands of divine justice!” You attempt to slam the door in her face, but the demonic sister had jammed her foot in the door.

“But you’re suffering!” She pleaded. “Your soul is sick and crying out for release from the bonds of chastity that you endure! How can you say that your God loves you when she won’t even let you ram me up the ass while I suck off some homeless guys?”

You’ve had enough of this nonsense, you boot her away from the door and slam it shut to her disappointment.

“Please reconsider, brother!” She calls through the door.”Six O’ Clock, near the underpass. Bring your friends and family, we’ll save you all, and it’ll be a fun evening for everyone!”

You don’t even dignify the demon with a response, instead you wait for her to leave so you can go to the picnic unmolested. You really didn’t want to leave the house now. Too many crazy monsters about these days. You missed being feared by these idiots and not seen as a potential accessory to some bizarre public indecency.

After waiting for a while you decided that it was probably safe to leave now, and went on your way. At least this awful monsterfest would be held at the park close to your home, so it would be a brief walk to get back after you make your excuses and leave. The main problem was that the park was full of tall grass and trees, so it was essentially rape central and any human who went even close to it was clearly out of their minds. The mayor had proudly announced that only 73 rapes had occurred there in the last two months in a recent interview, which was supposedly a sign of improvement somehow.

You arrive at the park with no incident, and find that you’re the last one there. You immediately regret coming, as the first thing you notice is the overwhelming abundance of penis shaped food, and the monster’s inability to put it in their mouths without being lewd about it. Who the hell needs to take that long to eat a sausage, anyway?

“Look who finally decided to show up.” Your Boss probably says. You aren’t entirely certain because she’s currently got a banana filling her mouth, and doesn’t appear to be in a hurry to swallow it. You look on in disgust for the second time today. This display would be bad enough even if there weren’t a group of families and their young children having some sort of party a short distance away. Someone should really call the police. Mostly because these idiots brought their children into a park full of rape happy monsters that has had 73 rapes in the past two months. Some people should never have kids.

It would seem Kathy had found a use for her fire breath here, as she was the one manning the barbeque. Why she was given the task was anyone’s guess, as all she seemed capable of was cremating anything she put on the grill. It would appear that you were wise to bring your own sandwiches, especially since phallic food was a sin to eat anyway.

You sit down, concerned that you are committing a grave sin by even being around these demons in your free time, and notice that the Jinko security officer is currently prowling up to Timothy on all fours. The office hired a security officer due to the concerns of the male staff over the amount of rape going on in the office, but if anything this creature has only doubled the number of attacks reported since joining. It would appear as if the boss had assumed that the men were complaining they weren’t being raped enough and corrected the “problem”. You really had to bring that up as a concern later. Or just smite the beast in question.

Timothy noticed her crawling towards him and began to back away slowly, trying and failing to hide his terror at the impending dick destruction heading his way.

“Meow~” The Jinko happily cooed, her face close to the horrified temp’s. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to pet the cute kitty?” She started to chuff and rubbed her cheek on his chest. The fiend! She was attempting to ruse the poor boy into believing she was a harmless house cat to lower his guard! Well, not on your watch…

You immediately jump up. “Do not be fooled, my boy! That is not a cat, but a Jinko with ill intentions!” Satisfied that you have saved your coworker from a fate worse than death, you relax on the ground. Where would the poor boy be without such an experienced warrior of justice protecting him? The Jinko just stares at you with a confused look on her face, but quickly turns her attention back to Timothy. You look over to the family celebration nearby. Oh, it appears to be a child’s birthday party and – who the hell hires a stripper to jump out of an eight year old’s cake!?

A sudden scream snaps your attention back to the picnic, and you see poor Timothy frantically struggling in the arms of the now – fleeing Jinko as she rushed for the trees. The fool! Why did he not heed your warnings? You told him that wasn’t really a cat! You are about to follow them, when a hand firmly grips your shoulder.

“Hey, Alfie! Wanna drink?” It was the Arachne from work. You really should learn your co-workers names, but that’s a lot of effort to waste on monsters. All these monsters look the same to you anyway, unholy demons who only want to prey on men. You look at the liquid she is offering you. Why would you even consider drinking anything one of these hellspawn offered you? It could be anything. It could be poison, it could be acid, it could even be something really disgusting, like non-alcoholic beer. No, not even a monster would be that cruel, would they? Remembering what your counselor told you about trying to trust your co-workers, you go against every instinct you have and imbibe the liquid.

It didn’t taste too bad, sort of a sweet aftertaste. Perhaps you should give monsters the benefit of the doubt after all from now – oh you have an erection. That eight legged bride of satan dared to give a Paladin an aphrodisiac? She has a sadistic grin on her face, and is enjoying that popsicle way too much. “What’s wrong, feeling a little strange?”

An untrustworthy monstergirl, well what a surprise. Your counselor will hear of this with much gloating and righteousness, but first you had to get out of this situation and fast. Perhaps it would go away if you thought hard about the Chief God and her infinite love for all who worship her? No, that just made it harder. Also you were thinking about the Chief God whilst having an erection. So that’s also the biggest sin ever right there. You almost fainted at the thought, but knew that the monsters would have their wicked way with you the instant you hit the ground. You had to fight this wickedness they instilled inside you, but how? Unfortunately, you didn’t notice two of your co – workers creeping up on you because you were too busy thinking of Tom Jones in a mankini to rid yourself of the erection; And wondering on top of this whether it was gay to think about Tom Jones in a mankini whilst having an erection.

“Get him!” The arachne yelled, grabbing your legs. “We’ll fix you this time, Alfie!”

“Unhand me, you retched sinners!” You demand, and begin to kick and thrash, hopefully in a more manly way than Timothy did earlier. At least if you wet yourself in terror the armour would make no one the wiser. Timothy didn’t have that, so you had one advantage there, other than being a mighty Paladin, of course.

Struggling as hard as you could, you managed to free yourself from the mass of monsters, and fell to the ground. But something was wrong. Your legs were cold for some reason, and you looked down to find out why. The dastardly spider had successfully removed the lower half of your armour! With nothing on your lower half but underwear that completely betrayed your boner, you saw no option but to retreat from the overwhelming odds. “Naughty boy, getting hard over the thought of all us evil monsters having our way with you!” The arachne teased as you sprinted away.

Well, you tried to sprint. It turned out that having a raging hard on made running very difficult, so you were really jogging in an awkward stance away from the crowd pursuing you. All the while attempting to pray the boner away. Why did you forget your chastity belt again? Didn’t that close encounter with the maniac a few weeks ago teach you it’s value?

For the umpteenth time today, a scream rang out into the air. The families you were running towards had spotted the furious erection and the even more furious Paladin attached to it hurtling towards them, and had obviously assumed the worst. As curious as you were as to why they found a stripper to be acceptable around their young children and an erection not, you had no time to stop. Perhaps it was mostly because you were running their way and breathing heavily? Or they were indoctrinated against Paladins by the evil new regime? Either way you darted through them, majestically avoiding the men trying to tackle you to the floor, and led your trail of horny monster followers through the park like some kind of R rated Olympic torch ceremony.

As you ran through the park, you noticed that almost every bush you passed appeared to contain at least one monstergirl waiting to jump careless passersby, who abandoned their rape stations and joined the increasingly large crowd chasing you. You wondered where the police were at this time, but when you looked around noticed that there were actually a couple of minotaur officers amongst the crowd. You’d be happy that the police were finally doing their jobs in this awful hive of sexual harassment, but were certain that at least one of them came from the rape bushes earlier half – dressed.

Seeing no other alternative, you ran as fast as you could to the lake, and jumped in. Surely the cold water would be just the thing to smite your drug induced boner, and put off the monster army following you. The problem was that you were still wearing a heavy metal helmet and armour, and you sank like a stone. You wished that they taught at least a little science at the Paladin academy so you could have avoided this almost certain drowning, but as a Paladin you were too busy burning the scientitians or whatever they were called to ask them on the buoyancy of a partially armoured knight.

As you sat on the lake floor, you wondered whether the Chief God would judge you harshly for appearing before her for your final judgement half dressed and sporting a monster – caused erection. As you pondered what you assumed were your final thoughts you stood up to show death that you weren’t going to take it sitting down, only to find that actually you were just sat in the shallow part, and were in no danger at all unless you remained sitting there like an idiot.

As luck would have it, you had jumped into the lake before any of the monsters could turn the corner and see you doing it, so they had all ran past assuming that you had stuck to the path. You pitied any man who ran into that massive crowd of pure lust, and wondered if this somehow made you a bad Paladin. It was yet another crowd of horny monstergirls you had caused after all, and it was generally meant to be your job to stop these sorts of things.

You got up, soaking wet and determined that no one would ever know of your darkest hour, besides roughly 30 or so of your work collegues, their friends, their families, anyone on their social networking sites, and the others in the park this day. But on the plus side, you were still unsullied by the legions of lewd, and the good name of Sir Alfred Yaleton stood proud once more. Much like the erection you still hadn’t rid yourself of yet. Goddammit.

Being as careful as possible, you slowly made your way back to your house. At least you had spare armour at home, you could pretend that none of this ever happened and adamantly deny any knowledge of the events, even in the face of concrete evidence. Hey, it works for governments.

Exhausted and rather angry about the whole series of events, you decide to relax and watch something that couldn’t possibly enrage you any further, so naturally you immediately switch to the news channel. You recognize the shameless slut Anubis from a few weeks ago, reporting from the nearby park. What now? Yet another poor citizen raped senseless by these soulless monsters? She was interviewing several monstergirls around the park, all with obviously unwholesome intentions considering it was now dark and most of the interviews were taken with monsters in the middle of a rape.

“It’s disgusting!” Growled an Ushi-Oni. “This asshole is gonna scare off all the guys from going to the park. Where’s a girl supposed to go for an easy fuck now?”

“I’ll certainly be more wary of coming here in the future.” The man the Ushi-Oni was violently raping in the bushes added, “What kind of sick person does something like tha- ow!” The interview was cut short by the Ushi pounding her fist into her victim’s face and telling him to take it like the little bitch he was.

“Why do I always miss this stuff?” Lamented an Alp lurking near the toilets. “I’d be all over that! Maybe I should stalk around the picnic area instead…”

“HELP ME!” Wailed Timothy, as the Jinko continued to grind her groin into his with lust crazed fury.

The Anubis seemed to recognize the young man, and not caring that the camera was still rolling, blew him a kiss and made a “call me” motion with her hand.

“Witnesses say that the man was half dressed as a Paladin, and had attacked several people in a rampage across the park grounds. Police are still hunting for the man, who is described as seriously disturbed and aroused. He is dangerous and should not be approached.”

You glared daggers at the screen. What kind of a man would do a thing like this? He has made a mockery of Paladins everywhere by behaving no better than one of these perverted non humans! You had half a mind to go out there and find –

Oh.

***

“Hey did you hear? Some guy went crazy in the park the other day!”

“I saw it on the news, I don’t want to walk into crazy people there, I go there for an easy fuck!”

“Spooky coincidence though, right? Some guy rampages through the park in his underwear at exactly the same time Alfie did! He even did it in the same place, how didn’t we notice that?”

You overhear this conversation as you sit at your desk and resist the urge to pound your head into it. Mostly because your helmet would damage whatever is on your desk as you had learned from the last time you tried. You now have to use a keyboard with several missing keys because the succubitch won’t give you a new one. Apparently you already cost the company enough with your actions so you’ll have to make do. Still, it isn’t fair that she gets to complain when your reports look like they were typed by a brain damaged Wurm.

“Hey, Alfie!” The disgusting spider you work alongside calls. “Can you cover for me? I’ve got to disappear for a few minutes.”

You were tempted to allow her station to go unmanned after she stripped you of your dignity and half your armour, but as a follower of the Chief God it was your duty to set an example to others forgive all, except for Adam Sandler. Even the Chief God had her limits. You’re still debating with yourself on the correct course of action when her phone begins to ring.

Very well, you would cover for the vile wench and do the best job possible while you’re at it. You pick up the phone. “Aroo Aroo, I would most like to commit some sinful and revolting act of fornication with you, for I am a godless heathen.” Perfect. If not for your heroic voice the caller would not have been able to tell the difference.

There is no reply, except for some heavy breathing on the other end. Dear lord, some unfortunate must be having a medical emergency, and called this number by mistake in their panic and confusion! Worse still, they appear to be in pain, as they have begun grunting and gasping too!

“Sir, you misunderstand! This is not the emergency services, you appear to have misdialed. I implore you to hang up and get the assistance you require!” The line immediately went dead. You hoped that the poor unfortunate would be OK, but it was out of your hands now. You sat at the monster’s desk and looked around you. Perhaps this would be a good time to examine the demon’s workstation for any clues on her weaknesses as a future opponent. You opened a drawer and was met by the baffling sight of a cylindrical object. Curious, you picked it up and examined the bizarre thing. Whatever it was, it had no features other than a single button. You pressed it and the device began to vibrate. You suddenly realized what you were holding, but was still confused as to why anyone would want one of these. A phone with no numbers or display? How were you meant to make calls with it? At least the vibrate function was powerful, you’d never miss a call. Putting the terribly designed phone back into the drawer, you waited for your colleague to return.

“Can I have your attention, please!” The blue slut of a boss announces from outside her office. “This is Amy, she’ll be a member of our team from now on.” Standing beside her was an albino lamia. Oh great, a Shirohebi. Just what this place needed, more monster scum. The big blue bitch glares at you. “Yaleton, you better behave yourself around this one. I won’t have you assaulting any more of my employees, am I clear on that?”

You just stare at her, unable to make sense of what she just said. It actually sounded like she was once again attempting to order a Paladin to stop smiting. How would she like being ordered to stop being a whore? You notice something in the corner of your eye, and jump as the Shirohebi had somehow slithered up to you unnoticed.

“So you’re that Paladin, huh?” Her voice was full of contempt.

“Indeed I am!” You triumphantly cry. “I am Sir Alfred Yaleton of Valewood, champion of the Chief God’s divine word, and President of the Valewood Tom Jones fan club!” It was the unofficial fan club, and you were it’s founder and only member, but you weren’t about to admit that. “If you do not wish to feel the wrath of a noble Paladin, then you shall stay out of my way, monster.”

The Shirohebi just rolled her eyes. “Y-you think I’m supposed to be turned on by all that crap? Idiot.”

“Uh, what?”

She glares at you fiercely. “I’m not interested in creeps like you, go bother someone else. M-moron.” After an awkward few minutes of silence shes still right there in front of you. It doesn’t look like she’s actually going anywhere. Is she expecting you to leave? You only work on the desk next door. Wait, perhaps she wishes to duel with you? That has to be it. You don’t have any weapons on you right now, so you would just have to improvise with whatever comes to hand. Jumping out of the chair, you begin to make a sweep for her legs, only to remember that Lamias don’t have those. Well that’s half your attack plan utterly ruined then. Why couldn’t she have been an Oni or something? A suitable challenge for such a courageous knight, and she wouldn’t ruin your attack plan by just existing.

“Thanks for covering for me, Alfie.” The Arachne had returned from whatever she was doing in the storeroom, with Timothy sheepishly leaving the room shortly after. The poor boy always looks so upset, and – Wait, was that yoghurt around her mouth? She couldn’t wait thirty minutes until lunch? And why did she invite Timothy to join her? You had many questions for her, but those unfortunately would have to wait because the shirohebi has just punched her hard in the face for seemingly no reason.

You applaud the serpent heartily for such a wonderful technique. The arachne is unconscious on the floor after just one blow, and that’s impressive. The shirohebi whips around after seething for a brief time

“I DIDN’T ATTACK THAT FUCKING WHORE BECAUSE I LIKE YOU OR ANYTHING!” She screamed. This is weirding you out. Perhaps it would be best to leave this odd creature alone for some time and pretend to do some work on the other side of the building. You noticed to your displeasure that the snake was following behind you, and breathing heavily. Another person infected by the mysterious disease the man on the phone had, perhaps? Maybe that explains why this monster attacked one of her own. It would definitely be a bad idea to stay around her in this case, as you couldn’t afford any more sick days this year.

“I-I’m not following you, I was planning on going this way. As If I’d be into some Paladin creep!” Again, you didn’t ask, but probably best to quicken the pace up a little.

“Is everything OK, Alfred?” Heather asked, concerned. Her head was still bandaged, proof of your fine handiwork even without a weapon. That’ll teach her for saying things to you. The Shirohebi immediately rushed up to her before you could say anything.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE YOU BITCH, I WON’T HAVE SOME SLUT CORRUPTING MY ALFIE! I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, I’LL FUCKING SPOIL GAME OF THRONES FOR YOU!” What a terrible thing to threaten, people who unashamedly announce spoilers and ruin others enjoyment should just die like Dumbledore when he was killed by Snape.

The Holstaurus looked rather frightened by the whole thing. And she should be, because this snake is clearly mental. Fortunately, you heroically used the Holstaurus as a distraction and avoided the Shirohebi’s attention long enough to hide out in the photocopier room. It would appear that the company had bought a new one in spite of your successful victory over its predecessor. The fools, now it can continue it’s reign of terror with it’s unintelligible copies and endless paper jams. A Kitsune was currently sitting on it with her underwear around her ankles. Why anyone would want one grainy black and white image of their nether regions was beyond you, let alone one hundred. Perhaps it was some cultural thing you were unaware of, or maybe she was just using it as some kind of budget medical scanner. The world may never know, because you really didn’t care to talk to a monster unless it was absolutely necessary.

Making sure that there was no sign of the deranged serpent, you left the surprised and disappointed looking Kitsune to her DIY Gynecology. Perhaps the Shirohebi had forgotten to take her medication today, or needed Smiting? There needed to be a vote on this, and you were clearly in the smiting camp. It really was the best kind of medication as far as Monsters were concerned.

Just as you were hoping that things were getting back to normal, the door to the office burst open. A furious looking old man stormed into the office and began shouting. “Who’s in charge here? I demand to see the person in charge of this farce of a company!” Finally, someone sane was here, maybe things would improve if he could avoid being raped in the next thirty seconds, or however long enough it would take for him to make his complaint.

Timothy stared at the man aghast.  “D-dad? What are you doing here?”

“I’m here because I’ve heard about how this company has been treating you, and I’m disgusted by it!” The old man bellowed.

“Can I help you, sir?” The succuslut asked in annoyance, hastily emerging from her office.

“Just what kind of operation do you think you’re running here?” Fumed the man. “My son has been raped here once a week since he started. ONLY ONCE A WEEK! Look at him – He can still walk after four weeks. In my day we were raped at least twice a day by Ushi-Onis, and they broke our pelvises half way through the first rape! How do you expect him to build character when you go all soft on him!”

“Now sir,” the Succuboss argued “We don’t have any Ushi-Oni employees here, and I assure you we try hard to ensure that Timothy gets raped as often as possible to our highest standards. We’ve even employed a Jinko security officer who is fully trained in violent rape and has successfully increased our sexual assault quota by 50% since we hired her.”

“It’s not enough!” The man retorted. “I want that boy in a wheelchair by the end of the week!”

“But dad!”

“Shut up, Timothy, it’s for your own good.”

You go back to your workstation, angry and disappointed that this intruder did not bring along the change for the better his sudden arrival had initially promised. Instead he brought with him a lesson on shitty parenting and potential disability allowance fraud. You almost made it before you were grabbed, pulled into a storage room and felt a hard blow to your head.

You woke up in a daze and found yourself tied to a chair with what appeared to be the old office Christmas lights. You’d appreciate the unavoidable extra break from work if it wasn’t for your new and insane stalker staring at you. “It’s not like I’m protecting you from all those dirty whores out there, I’d just feel better if you were with me forever so I could make sure you didn’t do anything perverted, you Order moron.”

You’d probably feel a little better about this if your host could decide whether she was tsundere or yandere. Well, time to escape and get to smiting. Surely even the evil harlot you work for wouldn’t begrudge you this one? Unfortunately, your captor was focusing all her attention on you, and escape for now seemed impossible. You jolted as a spoon was forcefully rammed through your helmet and into your mouth. Hmm, tasted like apple. And rusty metal. And blood. Possibly yours, considering a spoon was just rammed into your mouth with enough force to puncture a Paladin issue helm.

“D-don’t get the wrong idea!” The Shirohebi hissed. “I just made too much, that’s all. But you do like it, don’t you? Don’t you? DON’T YOU? DON’T YOU? YOU LOVE IT DON’T YOU? YOU LOVE IT YOU LOVE IT YOU LOVE IT I CAN SEE YOU LOVE IT YOU WOULDN’T EAT IT IF YOU DIDN’T LOVE IT GOD I HATE YOU.” In all fairness, it wasn’t actually bad. If not for the taste of broken metal and your own face, it would be a solid 5 out of 10. Naturally it lost a few marks because a monster made it and it was pure poison just because of this. Whatever, captured by an overly attentive monster or not, it was time to get out of there. You strained against the bonds holding you there, but they wouldn’t budge. Dammit. Why would such a cheap company buy such sturdy Christmas lights? There was no other option left. The psychotic snake was just about ready to attach a bottle to your groin, explaining that she didn’t really care if you ran away, but she couldn’t trust you enough to let you wander to the toilets yourself yet, when you took the complete lack of an opportunity and went with it anyway. Hey, being a Paladin didn’t mean you had to be graceful.

Standing the best you could being tied to a chair, you hopped as hard as you could into the door, and found that the Shirohebi hadn’t quite got to locking it yet. You continued you completely undignified yet well decorated escape through the corridors, chased by an increasingly angry or lovestruck snake monster. You couldn’t quite tell which anymore.

“Come back! You- you have my chair! I’m not chasing you because I like you and I want to marry you or anything AND HAVE LOADS OF CHILDREN AND LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME I’LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME IT’S THAT WHORETAURUS ISN’T IT I KNEW IT I’LL SPOIL THE FUCK OUT OF GAME OF THRONES FOR HER THAT FUCKING WHORE NOT THAT I CARE OR ANYTHING YOU PERVERT.”

Genuinely terrified, you hopped as fast as you could to the boss’ office to make a formal complaint about your new co-worker’s disruptive behavior and to give a full account as to how it has affected your productivity. As you made it to the office, a further intruder entered the building, one of the Minotaur Police officers from the park. “I’m here to investigate the events surrounding the incident in the park last weekend. I’ll need to take some statements and – YOU!” You froze on the spot. How did she recognize you? You were tied to a chair with Christmas lights and were actually wearing clothes. You looked nothing like this the other day. Clearly you were in the presence of a master detective. The minotaur stormed past you and grabbed Timothy by the neck. “You were at the incident, weren’t you? I’ll have to take you back to the station for interrogation.”

“Wait!” Cried Timothy “I didn’t see anything! I have proof, I was on the news, ask the security lady, she was there too, I – ” His pleas were cut short by the huge monstergirl dragging the terrified boy off towards the exit

“NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” Timothy’s dad cheered. “GIVE THAT BOY HELL, OFFICER!”

The succuslut noticed the crazed Shirohebi tackle you with a lovestruck giggle followed by an annoyed sigh, and strode over. “Amy, I was told by Heather than you threatened her earlier, is this true?”

The serpentine whore sheepishly nodded “Yes ma’m.”

“Normally, this would constitute a warning. However, you also threatened to spoil a popular tv show. This is completely unacceptable behavior, I want you to clear out your desk and get the fuck out of my sight. Do I make myself clear?”

“B-but-“

“I told you to get out of my sight.” The boss scowled. Sobbing, the Shirohebi slithered off. Hopefully this is the last you would see of the lunatic. Now if only the other monsters would do you the same favour. The slutubus turned her glare to you next. “And Yaleton? I don’t recall paying you to dick around with Christmas decorations in October. Get back to work. NOW.”

***

“And so I told her: “Do not tempt me, demon! I am a warrior of the divine light, and will not easily be taken astray from the true path!”

“And what happened then, Mr. Sutherland?”

“Um, that’s “Sir” Sutherland… Anyway, the succubus had the nerve to roll her eyes right in front of me and ask whether I wanted to supersize the meal or not! But I stood my ground and refused to give in. I wasn’t about to let a monster ruin my diet!”

“I see. But the important thing about all this is that you didn’t try and smite anyone during the incident. That’s a huge improvement, and I think it shows that you’ve made some serious progress over the last few months. Let’s all give Mr. Sutherland a big round of applause.”

“Uh, that’s Sir-“

Sir Sutherland’s protest was drowned out by the loud clanging of six pairs of steel gauntlets clapping. You were glad for the helmet you wore constantly. Doctor Fellowes would probably take offense to your bored expression, constant staring at the clock, and endless silent mouthing of obscenities at him. But then you think you caught his secretary doing that last one before, so maybe that’s just how everyone felt about him. This was the weekly group therapy session you had to take as part of the reintegration programme, and as always it felt like a complete waste of time. You should be out there on the streets, protecting the innocent from the depraved whores forced upon them. There may still be heroes left in man, but little use they were stuck in this room boring each other with these stories.

“Now, Mr. Yaleton, I hear you’ve been having some difficulties adjusting?” Dr. Fellowes began, still clearly confused on the correct way to address a paladin.

“Not so!” You proudly counter. “I have compensated for the loss of my trusty blade through quick thinking and adaptability! Behold!” You reach into your bag and retrieved the holy knuckle duster. You still weren’t sure if it counted as “holy”, but you were proud of it anyway.

“Oh god…” Dr Fellowes groaned, placing his head in his hands. The other paladins looked impressed and gave a round of applause. “No, no, you don’t have to applaud that.” Fellowes sighed, exasperated. The sound of clapping died down, and Fellowes continued. “Mr. Yaleton, the agency has received over a dozen complaints about you alone over the last few months. Now why do you think that is?”

You think carefully about the last few months, and come to the conclusion that you really had no idea what this poor deluded man was saying. You had been nothing but an upstanding servant of the Chief God through all the testing situations thrown your way. If this was all some divine test of your character, then you would have passed it all with distinction. Thinking about it made you feel proud. You deserved a treat, maybe you should stop and get a burger on the way home.

“Mr. Yaleton, I’m being serious. You’ve shown no progress since these sessions started, and I’m afraid my superiors are considering special measures for you…” Fellowes looked at his watch. “Oh, that seems to be all we have time for today. See you all next week…” The counselor got up and opened the door as your brothers silently left the room. “..And Mr. Yaleton, please at least consider your actions before resorting to violence in the future.” The door closed behind you. Poor man, his mind irreparably corrupted by the sinful wenches that overran this once fine town. You stared sorrowfully at the door, wondering just what it took to break this learned man.

But wait – something about this door bothered you: “DR. G. FELLOWES, THERAPIST” Hmmm. What could it be…

No, it couldn’t be…

THERAPIST

THE – RAPIST

DOCTOR FELLOWES WAS ONE OF THEM! It all made sense, what man of learning would ever side with these lust crazed abominations? Fellowes had to be a Doppelganger, sent by that corrupt agency to lead you and your fellow paladins astray! It was a plan so devious and well thought out by you just now that it had to be true! Fellowes was even mocking “his” victims by leaving “his” true profession hidden right under their noses on the door!

You had no idea how far this conspiracy went, so it would be best to remain subtle about this –

“You villainous cur!” You shouted, charging through the door at the “man”.

– Or… not. You were a paladin, not a wizard after all. You didn’t have to be subtle, even if you were quick to anger.

“OH FOR FU- SECURITY!” The traitorous dog shouted, as two large orcs barged into the room and pulled you off the struggling “man”.

You were unceremoniously dragged out of the building and thrown outside, but not before one of the orcs subjected you to a humiliating spanking in the reception room whilst giggling “naughty boy!” This is why people should hate therapists. And monsters. And monsters who pose as therapists. You only knew one thing now: you really needed that burger. And you also needed a new therapist.

With a heavy heart and a sore backside, you made your way through the streets and wondering whether you had enough change on you for both the bus back and a stop off at McLancelots. You could have taken the car, but inner city parking charges were ridiculous and there was that one Alp meter maid who always seemed to find you.

“Um… Sir Yaleton?” A timid voice came from behind. You looked around to find Timothy, looking around nervously. You were about to ask him what the problem was before remembering he always looked like that. “A-are you going home? You don’t mind going past mine on the way, right?”

Well, this was unusual, but as a paladin it was your duty to protect the weak and unfortunate from the forces of darkness, so you agreed. “Thanks!” The boy smiled, but his expression quickly turned to dread.

“MY PRINCE!” Screamed a lizardgirl as she ran for you both with a huge smile on her face. Timothy immediately cowered behind you. The lizardgirl bowed on one knee with her head to the floor. “My prince, I have journeyed far to rescue you from this sinful place. Fear not, for your loyal knight is here to protect you!”

Timothy peeked over your shoulder “H-hi, Erica. It’s OK, Sir Yaleton’s taking me home. You can go if you want.”

The lizardgirl looked up from the floor with a hurt expression, but it turned to fury when she saw you. She leaped to her feet and drew a rather authentic looking sword from her scabbard. “YOU! You dare try to kidnap my prince? I’ll have you know that you stand before Lady Erica Vasquez, noble paladin and sworn protector of her prince Timothy, quake before me and beg for…”

You ignored the insane ranting in front of you and turned to Timothy. “I-I’ve known her since school” he sheepishly explained. “I transferred four times to get away from her, but she always found me! She can’t find out where I live, Or I’ll never get rid of her!”

“…but I am not a cruel knight, you shall not suffer as I commit your soul to Charon’s keeping…”

This hellspawn certainly had a lot to say for itself. But it also claimed to be a paladin, which was possibly the most insulting thing you’ve heard after hearing that Grown Ups was getting a sequel. If only you still had your divine blade, you could easily best this deluded reptile and show her the might of a true paladin.

“…will endure the fires of hell if it were for the good of my beloved prince, a love a demon such as you…”

Eh, she seems pretty preoccupied with her introduction as it is. Maybe you could just walk away for once? The Chief God seems to have cursed this wretch with stupidity for her insolence and besides…wait, was this… was this how people saw you? Some crazed lunatic spouting nonsense and threatening harm on people for no good reason? Ha. Of course not, you were a force of divine justice, and this was just some lunatic with a sword.

“…and you will be but a footnote in the great and noble deeds performed only for my dear princes favour…”

…And it still doesn’t shut up. Did this drivel spouting demon understand that you had things to do today? You still had to do your laundry and pick up your spare helmet from the smiths. That stupid Shirohebi’s antics were going to cost you. You looked at the lizardgirl’s blade as she swung it for the tenth time. Made in China. Pathetic. Did she not know that true Paladin weapons were made in Taiwan?

Thankfully this incredibly public display of shamelessness was cut short by a limo pulling up beside you. The door opened, and sitting there with a smug look on her face was one of the most terrifying of all monsterkind – a Lilim. Disgust and hatred filled your heart as you looked upon it’s self satisfied face. How dare this being of pure evil show itself to you? The Lilim opened her mouth to speak but found she couldn’t really get a word in with the lizardgirl still enthusiastically shouting her verbal diarrhea at you.

“…a love that cannot be hindered by the deepest of oceans, the highest of mountains, the most well enforced of restraining orders…”

Even the Lilim was looking fed up. Well fuck her, because she hadn’t even heard a quarter of it. Rolling her eyes, the satanic princess shouted over the ranting reptile. “YALETON, GET IN. NOW.” She saw Timothy and her sour expression softened. “OOH! YOU TOO, SWEETIE!” Timothy stared at the Lilim, horrified. But you weren’t about to follow the orders of some soul sucking succubus queen, so you turned away in disgust, only for some mysterious force to yank both yourself and Timothy into the limo. The door slammed itself shut behind you.

“…Steel is my body, and fire is my… HEY! COME BACK HERE YOU VILLAIN!” The lizardgirl started to chase after the limo as it sped off down the street.

You were currently in a heap on the floor with Timothy on top of you, and the Lilim was gently chuckling to herself at the sight of this. “My, this is giving me ideas~”

You jump up, throwing Timothy off. “How dare you mock a noble paladin!” You cry with venom in your voice. “I am Sir Alfred Yaleton of Valewood, champion of the Chief God’s divine word, and backing singer of -“

“I KNOW who you are.” The Lilim hissed. “I am Lady Felicia, head of the Paladin Reintegration Programme. And YOU are single handedly making me a laughing stock amongst my sisters! Do you have ANY IDEA HOW-” The Lilim’s words were cut short by a banging on the back window. It would appear that the limo was stuck in traffic and the lizardgirl had now caught up to you all. You could fault her for many things, but at least she was persistent.

“Come out and face me, cowards!…” Came a muffled yell from outside.

“I need a drink…” moaned Felicia, with her head in her hands. The limo was currently rocking around from Erica jumping up and down on top of it in a fury. “Ugh. Yaleton, because of your complete disregard for our cities laws and regulations, we have been left with no choice-“

“…hiding behind my prince like the cowardly bastards you are…”

“WITH NO CHOICE but to resort to some special measures for the good of yourself and of the general public.” Ha! So even royalty amongst the demonic whores were bowing in defeat to you? This truly was a good day after all! The Lilim scowled at you, almost as if she could see your face through the helm you never removed. “So we decided it would be best to keep you under close surveillance. Most of my underlings refused the job, but fortunately for you one of my employees was actually rather eager to get this assignment.” The Lilim smiled, stroking Timothy’s hair gently whilst the boy shivered in fear.

The limo eventually pulled up alongside your house. You’d thank the Lilim for the ride if she weren’t the source of all evil in the world. “So I’m having one of my people live with you to assess your mental state and progress from now on. If I were you I’d behave myself now…” Felicia threatened, still petting Timothy as he whimpered and shook. The door opened by itself.

“…but such villains who would take a helpless man hostage wouldn’t have such compassion…”

You found yourself thrown out of the limo by the same mysterious force. “HELP MEEEEE!” Wailed Timothy as the Lilim giggled happily.

“You know, the view from my penthouse is breathtaking…” purred Felicia as the door slammed shut and the car sped off, Erica still ranting on top of it. You marched towards the front door. Whatever idiotic monster had agreed to this surely has a death wish for intruding in a paladin’s home.

You opened the door, only to find someone standing in front of you with a huge welcoming smile on her face.

No.

NO. NO. NO.

“Welcome home, master!” The Kikimora merrily greeted you. “Would you like dinner… a bath… or maybe… BEAT ME SENSELESS WITH A LEAD PIPE AND JERK IT TO HUMAN PORN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY WORTHLESS AND BATTERED BODY!?”

You really could do with smiting a lilim right now…

***

“My name’s Charlotte, I’m with the reintegration programme and I’ve been sent to monitor your progress.” The Kikimora chimed happily, to your extreme annoyance. “To think we got to meet again like this, it must be destiny!” The irritating maid monster gazed mindlessly at you with lovestruck eyes. You weren’t having this, a Paladin’s home was his castle, temple and multimedia entertainment center. “I never got to thank you properly for stopping those thieves, but I’ll be sure to give you a BIG thank you tonight.” She playfully winked.

“I don’t care, demon. You will vacate these premises immediately or suffer my wrath.”

You clearly forgot who you were talking to. The Kikimora squealed in delight. “Yes! I’m not worthy of living in a house like a person! I should live out in the yard like the bitch I am!” She gushed, getting down on her hands and knees and producing a collar that read “Charlotte” on the side. This was awful, your housing contract clearly stated that you weren’t allowed pets. The land lord would be furious. You briefly considered smiting the thing for its insolence, but because she was closely linked to the Lilim you would actually have to stay your hand for once. Who knows what else this vile agency had to throw at you? A bi-polar elf? A pyromaniac Hobgoblin? No, you would have to be smart about this and find another way to remove her. But you’ve had a long and tiring day after all these unwelcome surprises, so for now you would have to tolerate the kikimora’s existence and get some sleep. Alone.

You walked past the crawling Kikimora who was currently making dog noises at you and entered your bedroom. She attempted to follow you only to have the door slammed in her face. “Have I angered you, master?” She called through the door innocently. “Maybe you should come out here and smite me for being such a whore! Slap me in the face, pull my tail, tell me that Kikimoras are shit!”

“What devilry is this!?” You call back through the door. Confused, Charlotte entered your room to find you staring dumfounded and enraged at a pornographic magazine where all the faces had been replaced with crudely stuck on photos of her face. And a few seemed to be of some other Kikimora, she must have ran out of pictures of herself at some point and resorted to stock photos, possibly correctly assuming that you would have difficulty telling the difference due to your massive racism. You bastard.

“Oh, I was cleaning and took the liberty of improving your porn, master! You don’t have to thank me, I was just doing my duty as a maid.”

“I do not possess such smut!” You yell, reaching whole new levels of righteous fury.

“You do now!” Charlotte helpfully explained. “Honestly, what kind of man doesn’t hide porn under his bed? So anyway, how about I boil the kettle and make you a nice cup of tea? Then you can tell me it tastes like shit and pour boiling tea all down my dress!” You threw the sinful rag in the bin and immediately stood up to face the perverted monster. How dare she defile a paladin’s home with such a perverse publication?

Your rage only seemed to encourage her. “OH NO! I’M TRAPPED IN A HOUSE WITH A BIG ANGRY PALADIN AND HE’S GOING TO SMITE MEEE~!” The Kikimora shrieked in mock terror, salivating and rubbing herself inappropriately. A monster attempting to pleasure itself in YOUR bedroom? OK, that’s even worse. You may not be able to smite this monster due to her connections with the Lilim, but you can at least remove her for a while and give yourself some peace. You approached the mad maid whilst seething with anger, the look of delight and arousal spreading on her face with every furious step you made. Oh yes, she wasn’t going to bother you for a while…

You awoke the next morning, temporarily free of the maid’s annoyance. This wouldn’t last however, so you had to act quickly. It was true that in these strange circumstances that smiting was not an option but forcing the monster to leave through other means might still be a possibility. You could scare her off and make others hesitate to take her place. Charlotte or whatever it called itself had to have a weakness of some sort. But what? With Werewolves, you could give them a serious allergic reaction with silver, Oni’s could be subdued by throwing beans at them, Arachnes had difficulty getting out of baths, and a Mantis simply involved switching the controller over to port two. But Kikimoras? They’re maids, so… a clean house maybe? Confiscating it’s uniform? No, that’s no good, the demon would be naked and more likely to commit sin. Your copy of the monster girl encyclopedia was as useless as always, so it looked like you had no choice; Either use the internet and risk being exposed to all its smut, or go down to the local library and do your research there.

The library had the added bonus of being where the Kikimora wasn’t, so that was another reason to go there today. You left the house, ignoring the noises coming from the nearby closet and made your way to your destination. The library looked old and abandoned, and was possibly some kind of crack den at this stage. So today you would either have to endure insane drug addicts or reading. Partially hoping for the crack den, you entered the building to find that it actually was a library and you wouldn’t get shivved for your shiny helmet today. Possibly. It was still early in the day.

You stormed past the cowering Oomukade librarian at the entrance who was either quietly casting a hex on you or attempting some incredibly awkward greeting and went about your quest for knowledge. You quickly found that there was little difference between the internet and a monster – run library. Both were 99% porn. If anything this place was more porn than the internet could ever hope to be. You wondered why this library wasn’t more popular with the monsters, but figured the internet was probably more convenient for them. Avoiding the lewd literature, you noticed that this library still rented movies for some reason. Maybe you could hire one out and forget that you live in an awful monster and monster-rape filled world for a couple of hours?

You browsed over the available collection and found that they had the latest James Bond film for hire: “The Spy Who Fingered My GoldenEye With Love.” Hollywood was never really the same after the monstergirl victory over humanity. The effect on Disney was the worst. You shuddered when you remembered that remake of “The Little Mermaid” that you stumbled onto one lazy Sunday of channel surfing. Divine judgement couldn’t come fast enough. You intentionally put the DVD back in the wrong place just to spite these foul creatures and their apparent crusade against wholesome entertainment and went back to your original task.

The bad news about this place was that there were monsters in this building. The good news was that they were too busy reading to bother with you. But this came with further bad news that some of them were unashamedly masturbating to whatever perverted material they were reading and were moaning rather loudly. Did these antisocial hellspawn not know that making noise in a library was looked down on? Why couldn’t they just borrow the books and cause noise pollution elsewhere? Passing yet another section that appeared to consist entirely of 50 Shades of Grey copies, you came to the unfortunate realization that you might actually have to ask someone on where you could find a book that didn’t involve abusive billionaires. You moved away from the more amorous monsters and found a seemingly quiet area of the library to ask around in.

There weren’t many people or monsters here, so your choice on who to ask was limited between a Vampire glaring furiously at a copy of Twilight, a Mad Hatter quietly reading in the corner, or a Salamander who was clearly a massive fire hazard given the circumstances. The Hatter was the closest to the fire exit, so you thought it would be wisest to speak to her. Getting directions from a lunatic would normally seem like a bad idea, but considering the lack of sanity in this town it was generally unavoidable anyway. You approached the well dressed lunatic who was currently humming quietly to herself.

“I demand to know the location of the reference section.” You state as sternly and quietly as possible. You might be amongst sex-mad creatures of sin, but you could still set a good example and be considerate of the other readers around you.

“DO YOU HAVE TO SHOUT?” The hatter bellowed back.

“I have no time for your nonsense, monster. You will tell me where to locate the reference section and you will do so quietly.” You whisper.

“I AM BEING QUIET.” The hatter responded. “YOU’RE THE ONES MAKING THE RACKET. THIS SILENCE IS DEAFENING, I CAN BARELY HEAR MYSELF THINK.”

You’d think this would be worse that the usual conversation with a monster, but considering the phrase “Hey, let’s fuck!” hadn’t been uttered yet, you’d be wrong. She was still clothed, too. So bonus points for that.

“Do you know where the reference section is or not?” You quietly hissed through your teeth.

“HAVE YOU TRIED LEAVING?” The Hatter unhelpfully suggested. “FOR REFERENCE, DOORS USUALLY LEAD TO PLACES WHERE YOU AREN’T. BUT I WOULDN’T TRUST THAT ONE,” She pointed to the fire exit next to her. “WHAT KIND OF FIRE DOOR ISN’T ON FIRE? IT’S CLEARLY A NOT-ON-FIRE EXIT. UNLESS OF COURSE FIRES ARE EXPECTED TO USE THIS DOOR TO LEAVE, BUT THAT WOULD SURELY BE DISCRIMINATION AND THERE ARE LAWS FOR THAT.” You slowly got away from the woman while she eyed the door suspiciously. Why did you think it was a good idea to speak to anything with the word “mad” in the name anyway?

OK, so asking monsters about anything other than sex was completely pointless as always. You decided that it would be best to stumble around until you actually found the place yourself. How hard could it be? Just look for the one place in the library that looked completely untouched and abandoned. Monsters wouldn’t bother with any material that didn’t involve genitals being used inappropriately, so it was your best bet so far.

After what felt like an eternity, you finally found what you were looking for. The reference section. These old books would surely have information on a Kikimora’s weakness somewhere. Now all you had to do was valiantly brave the boredom of being stuck reading through a load of old books with no pictures all day. It almost made you want to go and speak to that Hatter again. You looked at the woman at the desk, who appeared to be ignoring you in favour of reading an ancient looking book. You examined her closely and realised that the woman was actually a lich.

“I require information on Kikimoras.” You demanded to the undead girl at the desk.

“Does it look like I work here?” Replied the lich in a bored voice, not looking up from her book. “This place is abandoned. Not enough smut for most mamono. I’m just here because it’s quiet.” You peer over the desk only to see that the lich was actually reading some hentai doujin hidden in the tome. You couldn’t quite work out what was going on in the little story it had, but it certainly look depraved. Something involving tentacles being used on some poor man. You resisted the urge to comment on the anatomical impossibility of the scene she was currently staring at.

The lich glanced up from her “research” and stared at you with glowing purple eyes. “A paladin?” She continued with the same monotonous voice. “I will give you the information you need in return for a favour.” It went against everything you would normally believe in, but you really wanted to rid yourself of that maid. So you decided to hear her out. Liches were creatures of learning after all, maybe her request wouldn’t involve anything perverted?

“Very good,” She droned. “I require a virgin’s semen for an experiment. Remove your leggings.”

Nope, perverted.

How dare this socially maladjusted corpse make such a demand of you? You then looked again to the dirty comic she was hiding. Was that to be her plan of attack? Forget the Kikimora, this fermenting floozy needed smiting immediately.

“I demand to know the location of your phylactery!” You yell tactlessly.

“No.” She responded, still showing no emotion.

Well, shit. Someday you were going to ask a lich that question and get a proper answer. Whatever the case, you certainly weren’t going to sully yourself for this information. The lich continued to stare unblinking at you for a while. Perhaps she’d died? As in, properly this time? Undead made no sense anyway, how did you know they couldn’t just drop deader one day?

The lich finally stood up and threw off her cloak, revealing that she was completely naked underneath. “Oh no my clothes fell off. Ahh. Pervert. Don’t look. Someone call the police.” She quietly murmured to your confusion. “Oh? Nothing? I assumed you required visual stimuli to achieve an erection.” You longed for your divine blade more than anything right now. This spoiling sorceress honestly believed that you would become aroused at the sight of a naked corpse? Well, there was this one time where- NO, this malevolent mage would show decency and like it!

“YOU WILL CLOTHE YOURSELF THIS INSTANT!” You loudly demand, forgetting library etiquette. This was more important anyway, you can’t have a naked dead exhibitionist standing around in a public place like this.

“What do you want to know about Kikimoras anyway?” The lich asked, still nude and ignoring your obvious disgust.

“I need to know of their weaknesses.” You reply, refusing to look in her general direction. It was best not to encourage her obvious cry for attention, and besides, maybe she would go away if you showed complete indifference to her nudity?

“…You’re a Paladin. Why don’t you just smite her?” The lich asked. “It isn’t like Kikimoras are difficult opponents.” This degrading denizen of darkness clearly hadn’t met Charlotte. How do you smite something that actually enjoys it? Wait, you had it!

“I’ll get a roomba!” You yell triumphantly.

“…That’s retarded.” The lich replied. “Don’t you know? Kikimoras destroy those on sight. They’re also inferior maids. Even if a roomba defeated this Kikimora in combat, all chores besides vacuuming would be at the mercy of a machine that lacks opposable thumbs. I also hope you don’t have stairs.”

You hated to admit it, but the lich was right. Roombas were shit. “Then how should I rid myself of this nuisance?” You inquire desperately.

“Why don’t you ask her to leave nicely?” A wurm sitting nearby advised, intently staring at an upside down copy of “Advanced Quantum Computing”. Haha, a bookwu-NO. You weren’t doing that. Well, maybe that was worth a try. Asking rudely didn’t work after all. You’d give it a go if the whole “giving up and smiting her anyway” approach didn’t work for whatever reason.

The lich was now apparently bored of standing around naked and had “accidentally” dropped a pile of books on the floor in front of you. She turned around and bent over, hovering over them for far too long.

“Oh no. Now you can see everything. Oh woe is me. Now I can never marry. I hope you don’t take advantage of me while I pick up these books. That would be awful.” The lich lamented in an uninterested tone whilst waving her ass around.

Fuck it. This library had no useful information for you whatsoever and if anything was home even crazier monstergirls than usual. You may was well just go on assuming that a Kikimora’s weakness was being tied up in the closet like you did last night. It seemed to do the trick anyway, she hadn’t bothered you since. You turned away, sickened by this shameless undressed undead and her unsubtle seduction attempts. This really did feel like a complete waste of time considering everything you had to go through today. Perhaps you would rent out “The Spy Who Fingered My GoldenEye With Love” after all. It couldn’t be worse than the Roger Moore Bond films, right?

“Um… is this the reference section?” A familiar voice asked. “I need to know how to get rid of a lizardman.” It would appear that Timothy had the same idea as you in dealing with his monstergirl problem. And was likely to suffer the same disappointment unless the lizard “paladin” had a pathological fear of naked liches.

“Eh. You’ll do.” The lich sighed.

Too tired and fed up to investigate the sobbing and cries for help, you began the long walk home. To think you used to believe it was a bad thing that public libraries were failing. Oh well. Maybe the Kikimora would grow to like the closet and stay there? Stranger things had happened, like most of today for instance.

————————————————————————————————-

Felicia hesitated outside the door. She regretted promising Charlotte that she would personally come to hear her reports, but this was a particularly difficult case for the programme to crack. The Lilim wondered what the next step would be if even Charlotte was scared off by this maniac. Perhaps try someone else as a monitor? That Hobgoblin seemed interesting enough, ignoring the fires. She paused and glared at the paladin’s front door with determination, recollecting all the horror stories she had heard about this man. But she was a Lilim, one of the most powerful beings in the world. One man was nothing compared to her might and willpower. She would break this haughty knight of the faltering old god and regain the respect of her sisters once more. Sensing that the madman was not home, she knocked on the door and waited for Charlotte to let her in.

No answer.

Fearing the worst, Felicia passed through the door as if it were thin air and entered the house.

“Hello?”

She was met with a happy, muffled sound coming from a closet. Opening the door, she found Charlotte tied up and hanging by her wrists with a glazed orgasmic expression and a gag in her mouth. Horrified, Felicia pulled the gag away and shook the now panting and wheezing Kikimora.

“Charlotte! Are you alright?” The Lilim asked, mortified.

“BEST…. ASSIGNMENT….. EVER!” The Kikimora managed to gasp out, drooling and with a huge smile on her face.

——————————————————————————————————

“And in other news, Jezabele Zuul, the disgraced former Arch Imouto of Sabbath is still at large after her attempt to lolify Lady Druella last week. Zuul, who was quoted as saying “Flat is Justice!” carried out the-“

You turned off the television in boredom. It was nearly Christmas and yet you were stuck in your house waiting for the repairman to come and fix your faulty boiler. So now you had nothing to do but sit in the freezing cold and watch terrible TV. At least this news of betrayal in the monster ranks could be mildly interesting. It wouldn’t be so bad, but…

“Merry Christmas, master!” Charlotte beamed, wearing a festive sweater that was clearly several sizes too small for her.

“How dare you defile this holy occasion, demon! I demand that you find a change of clothes this instant!” You roared, pointing towards the door as hard as you could in hopes that it would cause her to react faster.

The Kikimora looked confused. “Holy? But aren’t you an Order Paladin? I thought that Christmas was a Christian celebr-“

“Do not defy me, monster!” You interrupted, you had no time for the perverted maid or her theological gibberish. Whatever she was trying to say clearly had no importance whatsoever anyway.

Charlotte seemed undeterred by your displeasure. “Oh, master is soo mean~” so swooned, leaving for what you hoped was a tasteful change of attire. Thankfully this shameful display was followed by a knock at the door, which would certainly mean that the repairman had finally arrived. You answered it and found to your annoyance that the company had completely ignored your request for a human engineer. Instead they had sent out a rather large Minotaur to answer the call out. You’d write to complain if it wasn’t for that restraining order the Better Business Bureau had made against you.

“Hey darlin’, I’m here to fix yer boiler.” The Minotaur at the door smiled. She looked official enough, although you wondered why an engineer would need a toolbox that was clearly full of sex toys. You begrudgingly let her in, the house was freezing and you really needed the radiators working again. You lead her to the faulty boiler in the hope that the cold would force her to work faster. After all, you already had to live with one abomination in your sanctuary from the depravity outside, you didn’t need more of these things in your home. The Minotaur looked at the malfunctioning device for a while, giving the impression that she actually knew what she was doing.

“O-oh m-m-my it’s s-s-ooo h-h-ot in h-h-here…” The repair woman attempted to coo whilst shivering violently, her breath clearly visible in the chill. “I-I-I might n-n-need to strip o-off!” Teeth chattering, the Minotaur removed her top and with it any sense of professional conduct. As she stood before you shaking and topless, you could only wish that monster kind had a better way of learning repair jobs than old porno videos. Perhaps then they would actually complete the task at hand without being a risk to the general public with their shoddy handiwork, and in this temperature, nipples that could poke someone’s eye out.

“N-n-now we should t-t-try the shower.” The repair woman stuttered. Even if you were one of the mindless heretics who enjoyed being sullied by a monster, a freezing cold shower in an even colder house was just not happening. You shouldn’t have got your hopes up about this horny handiwoman. Mentally kicking yourself for forgetting to ask for identification at the door, you began to wonder if she even knew anything about boilers at all.

“You will cease your depraved display and attend to the boiler at once.” You commanded, being glad that your armour kept at least some of the cold out. You thought that things couldn’t be any more annoying, but just because a half naked would-be pornstar minotaur wasn’t bad enough, Charlotte had returned from her room.

“Oh, master!” The Kikimora gasped dramatically. “You’d NTR your adoring maid on Christmas? Now I’ll have no choice but to listen in despair though the door as she POUNDS YOU MERCILESSLY ON MY OWN BED AND YOU SCREAM JUST HOW MUCH BETTER THAN ME SHE IS AND THAT MY USELESS BODY COULD NEVER PLEASE YOU AFTER BEING RAVAGED BY A REAL WOMAN! Don’t start yet, I’ll get my vibrator…” The salivating maid monster rushed off with a spring in her step, leaving you and the now confused Minotaur alone. You almost apologized to your half naked and shivering house guest for your maid’s conduct, but didn’t because she was also monster scum.

Realizing that you didn’t actually need to stick around the house if Charlotte was here, you decided to leave in the hope that a monster tradeswoman was actually capable of working if there wasn’t a man around to corrupt. Leaving the two vile creatures to their work, you went to the door. Hearing a slight crumple of paper underfoot you looked down and saw that someone had actually posted you a Christmas card. Curious as to who it could be from, you opened the letter and immediately regretted it. It didn’t look so much as a card or a letter as it did some form of ransom note made from various magazine and newspaper cuttings:

MERRY CHRISTMAS you Creep.

I HoPE you’RE EnjOYing That SHIttY Maid. I HoPe NOTHING BaD Happens tO HeR. I hOPe The ShiTTy MaiD dOEsn’t Get ANy pHONe CaLLs That SPoIl THe WAlkINg DeAD FoR hER. NoT THat I ActuLLY GiVe A FUCk AbOUt YoU. LOSeR.

We WEre MeANt To Be And I’ll RAPe You So HaRD AftER i geT rID Of thAt sluT

LoVE, Amy

      xx

Ps. PlEAse ReMoVE YoUR bEDroOM CuRTainS THEY make iT HARd To WAtch you SLEep

The Shirohebi’s insistence on using newspaper clippings despite signing her name underneath was almost as baffling as how she even got your address. Oh well, it was nice to get Christmas cards, even if they were from deranged stalkers who preferred shouting spoilers to stabbing people. Although stabbing would probably be less cruel. In any case, you had things to do and Christmas supplies to buy. You had already dealt with the gift side of things early this year, and were feeling rather proud of yourself for the usefulness of your presents. You gave the other Paladins from the therapy sessions all vials of holy water (the good stuff from Taiwan); Timothy a special whistle that he could use to summon help in the event of a monster attack, and a cattleprod for the Kikimora for when she overstepped her bounds. Which was always.

So with the presents out of the way all that was left was the drink. After all, if you had to spend this holy season under the same roof as a monster then you could at least spend that time shitfaced. Leaving the house, you began to trudge through the snow towards the mall. You would have to be extra vigilant today, the monsters had discovered that Christmas was seen as the time for giving by humans, and had perverted its original meaning. This meant that rape had undergone a public relations overhaul, and now wasn’t referred to as rape during this time of year. Instead, it was known as a “surprise Christmas present”. After all, who didn’t like receiving surprise presents? This logic of course fell apart when the present was actually just your rapist wearing a festive hat. But at least you couldn’t say that they weren’t getting into the spirit of things.

To be honest, the town was actually quite nice this time of year when it was so heavily decorated. It almost took your mind off the fact that an overwhelming percentage of the population were nymphomaniac sex demons. Walking down the mostly abandoned street was rather relaxing, especially when the alternative was sitting around in a house with a deranged maniac and a repair woman who was seemingly trained exclusively by 70’s adult films. Drifting back from your thoughts, you noticed that you were in an unfamiliar part of town. But any sense of dread or confusion were instantly banished when you noticed a rather welcoming building across the road. It looked very old, was made of stone and had a bell tower adorned with various gargoyles. A church! It had been so long since you had visited one of these holy refuges from the horrors outside. You joyously approached the ancient building and could hear voices inside. So there were sane people who lived in this town after all! You looked as the snow covered sign just outside of the door. Only the tiniest fragment was visible: “-ass”.

MASS! You opened the heavy doors to the place and were rewarded with the wholesome sight of a nun facing away from you and bowing in prayer before an altar. Oh, wait, that’s not an altar…

It was a man…

A naked man…

And the nun’s head is bobbing up and down and THIS IS THE CHURCH OF THE FALLEN ISN’T IT?

“Brother! I’m so glad you finally decided to join us!” A Dark Priest smiled creepily. Oh, Chief God. It was that one you turned away from the door a few months ago. “Please, allow me to free you from your sinful chains of chastity. I need you to ram my ass while I jerk off these old guys we found at the bus stop.” She pointed to a couple of confused-looking senior citizens who were sitting on a nearby pew.

“They’ve really spruced up the bingo hall, haven’t they?” One of them asked the other.

Hurriedly slamming the door behind you to the barely audible sigh of disappointment from within, you noticed that your hasty retreat had dislodged the snow from the nearby sign:

“Church of the Fallen

Dec 18th – Community Outreach(around): Cum on in and claim our asses!

Dec 19th – Reserved for private function (christening)”

You wished you could hate a building into rubble right now. How dare these harlots build their den of debauchery in the image of a holy site? Deciding that it would be better to continue your journey to the mall and walk off the anger, you carried on and came across a group of three young Werecats building a snowman. They actually looked rather cute, it was too bad that these adorable kittens were going to grow into such perverted pussies. You stood watching them for a while as they put the finishing touches to their project. It was a fine looking snowman, standing tall and proud. You were pleased to see that they had used the carrot as a nose, and not as… something else. But all was not well, for a young Werecat stood in front of the snowman with a troubled look on her tiny face, an ear twitching.

“What’s wrong, Lucy?” One of her friends asked.

“The snowman’s missing something!” Lucy whined.

You disagreed. For something created by a group of monsters, it was a rather impressive specimen. Adding to the snowman now would only ruin it.

“I know what he needs!” Shouted one excitedly. The children looked at each other.

“A DICK!” They cried in unison.

Well, that destroyed any semblance of innocence that this scenario originally had. You stormed off, leaving the children as they eagerly packed snow onto the figures icy lower regions and tried to prevent the mental image of its completed form from appearing in your mind. You could still hear their tiny voices echoing from behind:

“There!”

“Nuh-uh it’s too small!”

“Of course it’s gonna be small, it’s fucking freezing out here!”

You steeled your resolve to ignore everything until you finally got to the Mall, not wanting to see any more of the depravity that might unfold in this accursed town. It occurred to you that the mall would probably be no better in this respect, but you had business there, so you would simply have to endure it.

Finally arriving at your destination, You vowed to just rush in and complete your task as quickly as possible. The less time trapped in a crowded space full of monsters the better. You took a deep breath and waded into the madness ahead, narrowly dodging a Kikimora as she was thrown from an electronics store by a massive Oni security guard. The Kikimora was foaming at the mouth and ranting something about Roombas, but it was difficult to make out the exact wording because of the disproportionate amount of obscenities in her rage fueled diatribe. It would appear that the library Lich was correct, Kikimoras did indeed become violent in the presence of automated cleaning machines. You still wondered whether Charlotte would be affected in the same way considering how defective she was, but decided not to risk it. The potential repair costs to your house could be astronomical.

Utilizing your dungeon exploring skills to progress deeper into the mall, you stumbled upon a line of parents and children queuing up to meet Santa. Heartened to see such a traditional scene in this age of perversion, your enthusiasm faded when you saw the front of the line. There, sitting on a large and festively decorated chair was a huge werewolf dressed up as Santa. She was currently bouncing a frightened young boy on her knee and laughing merrily.

“OH HOHO! Santa knows what she wants for Christmas!” The werewolf grinned, and gave the boy’s father a sleazy wink. The poor man looked just as nervous as his son, which was understandable considering he was being forced to sit on her other knee. By the Chief God, had monsterkind never heard of background checks? The awful display enraged you, but you still had shopping to do. On the other hand, you could always get back to that after smiting this slutty Santa…

“How dare you defile the image of jolly Saint Nick!” You cry, grabbing an over sized candy cane from a nearby display. You lacked a divine blade, but you could at least teach this lecherous lupine a lesson she would not soon forget. The werewolf glared in your direction and a toothy smile spread across her face.

“A Paladin? Looks like Santa’s cumming early this year!” She gently put down the concerned father and son before leaping at you with terrifying power and speed. Preparing yourself for a brutal battle against this worthy looking adversary, you were both instead set upon by what felt like the entire mall security team. Your improvised weapon was immediately confiscated as you were unceremoniously removed from the area and the Santa was given a harsh scolding about the attempted rape whilst still being on the clock.

You were rudely ejected from the mall for your attempted smiting empty handed. Perhaps next year you should just stick to using Amazon for your Christmas shopping. At least then you could avoid having to deal with the crowds, but it would also add whole new problems involving monstergirls wanting to handle your “package”. As the sun set you began the long walk home, annoyed with the endless parade of obstacles that you had been subjected to today. As you neared the fallen church you came across a small crowd gathering around an ambulance. Curious, you went to see what the fuss was about.

“What happened?” A nervous looking young woman asked.

“Ushi-Oni. Some stupid bastard blew a rape whistle.” Replied a man, rolling his eyes in disbelief at the retardation that resulted in this spectacle. Peering over everyone, you saw a familiar looking young man on a stretcher being loaded into the back of the ambulance. Nearby, an old man was watching on with tears of pride in his eyes.

“It’s a Christmas miracle! My son is finally a true man!” The man was weeping with joy as he noticed you standing amongst the crowd. He strode over and grappled you into a tight and rather uncomfortable hug. “Sir Yaleton, wasn’t it? I heard you gave him that whistle. Thank you, I can now finally pass down the old family wheelchair to my boy. You’ve made our Christmas, sir!”

Not wanting to be associated with this madman yet glowing from the compliments all the same, you made a hurried exit and resumed the journey home. How awful, did no one step in to save poor Timothy when he blew that whistle? Your faith in the goodness of strangers was severely diminished. You then wondered what sort of plan the office had in place for the temporarily disabled worker, hoping it didn’t involve working with that Hellhound on the ground floor.

Tired and fed up from all the bullshit the city had decided to throw at you today, you stumbled back through your door and found that the boiler had actually been fixed. This welcome surprise was completely at odds with the unwelcome surprise of seeing Charlotte sitting under the tree, totally naked except for the ribbons she had tangled herself in.

“Merry Christmas Master, come and open your present!”

On any other day that would get a smiting, but it was Christmas after all. You’d let her off just this once in the spirit of the occasion and dump the kikimora back into her room, where she could repent for her sins. You grabbed the mummified maid and began to drag her out of the room. “Oooh! Carpet burn!” She moaned with a smile. You shook with barely suppressed rage, how dare this creature enjoy your rough handling of her, you had a good mind to-

There was a knock at the door. As you pondered who it could be at this time of night, your poorly dressed and bound maid hopped over to answer it. Great, now the neighbours would be subjected to the sight of a mostly naked Kikimora, but you didn’t have the energy to care anymore at this point so you just let her go. You followed her out to the door to find that she had somehow managed to open it despite her bound state. You really didn’t want to know how.

“Ooh! Carolers!” Charlotte exclaimed in surprise. Completely undeterred by the gift wrapped Kikimora before them, the monstrous singers at the door began their traditional holiday song:

“There’s nowhere to run,

There’s nowhere to hide,

There’s no escape now except maybe cyanide,

Miss Krampus is hunting you down~

She’ll beat your ass with golf clubs,

She’ll assault you with a rake,

She’ll hobble you for escape attempts,

So just stay put, for goodness sake!

She’ll beat you with sticks,

Trap your balls in a vice,

She prefers her victims naughty,

But she’ll settle for nice,

Miss Krampus is hunting you dooooown~”

“Trick or treat!” A March Hare standing amongst the carolers yelled. It would appear that she had turned up dressed as an Alice.

Charlotte hopped up and down enthusiastically. “Oh, I love that song! It was my favourite when I was a little girl.”

Well, that at least began to explain some of her behaviour. You left the maid to deal with the corrupt carolers and went back to the living room to watch some TV. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad Christmas after all. You may not be off your ass on alcohol, but at least you got the heating fixed, Timothy’s dad got what he always wanted and Timothy got a new wheelchair. As tiny Timothy would probably say in his morphine induced stupor at the hospital:

“Chief God bless us, every one!”

Yes, everyone. Including the monsters. Because a blessing from the chief God would burn those harlots like you’ll burn the turkey on Christmas day. Hey, you’re a paladin, not a chef.

—————————————————————————————————–

“How many more times are you going to get sent here this week!?”

You bravely faced your foe, a mighty Paladin. But you had battled this poor chaste soul before, and were not afraid. You were Lady Felicia, a noble Lilim and daughter of the Demon Lord herself. Compared to her powers of corruption this Paladin was but a helpless child. By the end of the day you would be known as the one to make a husband of Sir Alfred Yaleton, from Human Resources.

“You sullied Sir Timothy! All he did was offer you into the light of the Chief God!” The Paladin cried. The delusional unsullied man was right, you had indeed given that cutie a taste of otherworldly pleasure, and savored your victory over his cruel and self destructive faith before your nemesis had summoned you into his office. “You might have turned the poor boy into an Incubus, you harlot!” He fumed.

How such a powerful seductress had fallen, not long ago you were a legendary slut, a defiler of the innocent. Videos of your sordid deeds were found on the finest porn sites across the internet, and on Brazzers. But now you simply toiled away in an office surrounded by the paranoid and frigid men you once hoped to save.

Felicia awoke with a start. What a horrible nightmare. Vowing to never read bad fiction before bed again, she shuddered whilst clutching her paladin daki tightly. Well, it was actually Druella’s paladin daki, Felicia noticed it the last time she visited her sister’s castle and was rather taken by it. In any case, her sister had loads of the things and it wasn’t like she’d miss just one. She eyed the stains with disapproval; she really could have borrowed a cleaner specimen, and whatever her sister was doing to this thing it wasn’t coming out in the wash either.

Stupid Yaleton. The programme was actually working before he came along and started ruining it like the dense bastard he was. Well, it was sort of working, at least there were fewer incidents of former Paladins randomly smiting potential wives since it started at any rate. She’d have to work out a way to solve the Yaleton issue, because from Charlotte’s reports the situation certainly wasn’t improving. All she needed was a plan…

As if in answer, there was a hurried knock at the door. Felicia wasn’t expecting visitors at this hour, but she was still curious as to whom this mystery caller could be. Hoping that the answer to her problems was behind the door, she opened it with great enthusiasm…

Only to see no one there. Dejected at being a powerful Lilim and still being the victim of a childish knock and run, she closed the door only for an angrier pounding to resume. Confused, Felicia once again opened the door to see nothing. “Don’t you ever look down!?” A young girl’s voice complained. Felicia looked to her feet and saw a Baphomet scowling at her. Wait, didn’t she know this person?

“Jezabele?”

“No time to explain, just let me hide out here for a while! Please!” The short demon begged.

“After what you tried to do to Druella? NO WAY! Why shouldn’t I just give you up right now? Both my mother and sister would be pleased if I were to bring you to them…” Felicia retorted.

“Oh come on, it’s Christmas! And anyway, I was trying to do her a favour! Flat is justice! Big tits a shit! How can you hug your onii-chan properly with stupid meat bags in the way?” The tiny terrorist challenged. The Lilim just stared at her, bemused. Jezabele glared back at Felicia. “…If I go down I’m taking you with me! I’ll tell Lady Druella that it was you who stole her favourite daki!”

What little colour was there drained from the pale demonic princesses face. “Wait, what!?” Felicia gasped in panic. “I thought it was just some old thing she was going to throw away!”

“Nope!” Grinned the little loli. “She’s been tearing her place apart looking for it, just imagine how mad she’ll get if she discovers it’s been stolen~”

“FUCK! OK, you can hide out here for a little while.” Felicia conceded, ushering the pint sized priestess though the door. “But there’s a little something I want your help with…”

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9 thoughts on “Paladin Reintegration Programme”

  1. Yes!!!! This was one of my most favorite stories of yours! I always wondered if you would ever finish it. I’m hoping you are? I really wanted to know what happens to our favorite Paladin and of course poor Druella!

  2. No Country For Old Paladins! Poor Alfred, he is trying to come to terms with a world he no longer belongs to. Good job at this and the Tom Jones name drop; love his music. Reading this made me think of Bob Dylan’s Time Are A Changin with Al’s struggles and failures.

  3. Good LOLs.
    A Paladin frustating monstergirls.
    You didn’t use the word ‘Momono’, that the less imaginative writers use.

    My one problem is; he didn’t end up with a Salamander!

    But otherwise a pretty good story.

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