No-Lifer

“Adam! We’re out of coke!”

The lich waved around an empty can, refusing to look away from the screen. I sighed, back when I crept into this tower I was expecting the good life: learning magic, getting to fuck the undead sorceress who ran the place, perhaps even conquering the world with her. But instead…

“Adaaaaam~!” The undead monotonously whined across the echoing hallways as I groaned in frustration. I never asked for this.

How was I supposed to know she was just a slobbish NEET?

“The stores are three days away and the villagers rush me with pitchforks. Either get the skeletons to do it or go without, Shanna!” I yelled back, cursing whatever possessed me to choose this place to begin with. So this was my life now, picking up after the worlds laziest undead overlord like a maid. This was it, this was my eternity. I only wanted to dominate the world with a cold, decaying fist as a vengeful undead god. What did I do to deserve this?

I stared disapprovingly at my wife as she slumped in the chair, seemingly in danger of sliding off it entirely. You’d normally expect a lich to wear some form of tattered robe or mages uniform, but Shanna seemed to be permanently attached to a bathrobe she never removed. Well, almost never removed. Undead were still monsters who needed sex and spirit energy to exist like all the others, I just wished that she’d put down the controller when she was riding me. It was hard to tell if her enthusiasm was from the pleasure or from her enjoying the game she was engrossed in.

The worst part of my situation was dealing with the adventurers who frequently raided the tower. Honestly, I could just die again from the embarrassment once they stormed Shanna’s chamber. They came expecting tales to be told of their almighty battle, only to find their target watching cartoons and looking like she’d been dragged through a hedge, slumped into a pile of pizza boxes and coke cans. Perhaps I should get a Kikimora in, or at least get Shanna to stop boring her disappointed would-be-assassins with the intricacies of Evangelions symbolism. I mean, these guys just scaled a tower full of undead and traps to hear a disheveled mess ranting about anime. I’d lose the will to live too if I wasn’t already dead.

“Why did you even become a lich in the first place?” I snapped, no longer able to hold my tongue.

She looked at me with her usual poker face. “I wanted to be around to see Half Life 3.”

I couldn’t tell if she was joking.  She had the same expression whether she’s happy, sad, angry or aroused. Hell, as far as I can tell she even seems to cum with that look on her face.

“Why are you always so irritable?” She asked, still not looking away from her game.

“Because I came here thinking I’d be mastering the dark arts, commanding armies of skeletons, living forever as an undead-“

“But you are undead.” She said. “…And I’ve given you full command of my army.”

“But its not the same!” I angrily retorted. “We should be bringing terror to the surrounding towns, not raiding them for their Dr Pepper supplies!”

“An undead army marching on a town is still a terrifying sight to behold, no matter what its intentions are.” Shanna said, still not looking anywhere near me.

“THAT ISN’T THE-” Fuck it, I give up. I’ve had this argument before and all it can ever achieve is angry sex. Actually, that isn’t such a bad idea right now, she was due a spirit energy infusion anyway. Smirking to myself, I stalked over to her carefully, avoiding the mountains of food packaging along the way and almost slipping up on a discarded can.

“Adam, whatever it is can wait. At least until I get to a save point.”

The grin spread further across my face as I maneuvered behind her.

“Lets see how well you can concentrate when I do THIS!” I cackled as I immediately slipped my hands into her bathrobe and began to tickle under her arms, hoping to throw her off the game. Annoyingly, this made no effect whatsoever on Shanna’s performance. I peered over her shoulder to gauge her reaction, and wasn’t really surprised to see that her expression hadn’t changed in the slightest. Liches were tough opponents indeed.

Fine then, plan B.

I carefully slid my hands across her smooth, cold stomach and pulled them up across her perky breasts, the movement causing Shanna’s bathrobe to slip off around around her shoulders. Her breasts jiggled slightly as her nipples caught on the fabric, and a barely audible noise of approval rolled from the normally stoic undead’s mouth. The smug grin had returned to my lips, I’d been around Shanna long enough to know her weaknesses. Plan B never failed.

I traced my fingers slowly along the cool mounds of reanimated flesh and moved my way around to her areola. I looked at her slightly trembling hands, still clutching the controller. Shanna was still trying to control her character, but the amount of mistakes she was making made it clear that I was getting to her. My fingers converged on the liches increasingly erect nipples, and could swear that her eyebrows made the slightest twitch as my digits edged closer to her weak spots.

“A-Adam…” Shanna muttered, actually sounding like she was about to show at least some emotion. “Don’t…”

Too late. My fingers pinched at the fleshy tips they surrounded and the lich opened her mouth and breathed in slightly, her cheeks turning a slightly darker shade of blue as she blushed. I beamed down at her in triumph as a cluttering sound echoed around the chamber – the controller had slipped from her hands and fell into a small pile of cans at her feet. Mission accomplished.

“Adam…” Shanna murmured, her thighs twitching in anticipation. Her attention was now entirely focused on me, leaving her character at the mercy of the enemy hordes. She stood up and the bathrobe slid to the floor in a heap around her ankles, completely exposing her pale, shapely body. We both stared longingly into each others eyes, as her delicate hands slid down my chest towards my belt and began do undo the buckles. I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her mouth, slightly biting her lower lip and causing the lich to pull my head in for a deeper, more passionate kiss. Our tongues began to slowly explore their way around each others mouths as a slight moan of pleasure whimpered from Shanna’s throat. A few impatient tugs later and my belt came loose, followed by my pants.

She slipped down onto her knees, and reached out for the hard object in front of her. The liches fingers lovingly caressed it, teasing and stroking in all the right places with finesse. Her skill wasn’t surprising; she’d done this countless times before, and she only got better at it with each passionate session. The lich gazed lovingly at her handiwork with a faint smirk as she saw the thing beginning to react to the stimulation. She looked up at me and our eyes met.

“For fucks sake, Shanna, Put down the DS!”

The handheld was closed in a huff. Finally, no distractions.

I was about to impale the twitching and slightly salivating lich on my manhood when I noticed a skeleton guard standing to attention at the door. I turned to her, momentarily forgetting that I had everything on display.

“Sir! Another adventurer has been spotted approaching the tower.” The guard saluted, eyes not leaving the furious erection standing in full view. Her gaze was to be expected, I was an undead Incubus after all – my manhood was augmented. The skeleton grinned, possibly noticing that she was interrupting something, but even more likely because that was the only face a skeleton ever made. “Its probably nothing to worry about, but we thought you should know. Don’t worry, we’ll fend this one off for sure this time!”

Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. I wished Shanna would animate some undead who didn’t break apart on the slightest impact, or even if you coughed a little too hard near one. They might as well be held together with duct tape and rubber bands for all the attention she gave their maintenance. Perhaps if she did I’d then have the time to master the arcane arts and not have to play the apologetic dungeon master every other month.

My attention briefly wandered to my crotch. Dammit, now I was probably going to have a really awkward encounter with another disappointed adventurer only now I’ll have to go about it with a massive erection. Because the situation wasn’t usually embarrassing enough. All I could do was hope this person took their time in reaching the upper floors, and maybe by then I wouldn’t look so ridiculous.

I turned to Shanna for her opinions on the matter, only to find that she had immediately returned to her game.

“Adam, can you deal with it? Thanks to you I’ve got a lot to make up for.” The lich said, her attention once again fully focused on the television.

I hated adventurers. Fucking cockblockers.

Right, first things first: “Ok, on the off chance they make it to your room again, do you know where your phylactery is?”

“It’s my soul, Adam. I always know where it is.” Came a bored reply.

I looked at her skeptically. If the intruder found and destroyed Shanna’s phylactery we’d both be done for.

“Well?” I asked impatiently.

“It’s over there. Somewhere.” She waved disinterested hand towards a colossal pile of laundry on the floor, not looking away from the screen.

Ah, well, fuck it. At least if I can’t find the vessel the intruder won’t have a hope in hell of getting to it either.

Sighing, I left the naked lich to her game to begin preparations for the defense. Was it too much to ask for just one explorer to leave this place in terror and reverence, rather than boredom and annoyance? I turned back to Shanna, who was as always far more interested in raiding a virtual dungeon than protecting her own. As I watched, a cutscene played out depicting a ridiculous villain hamming it up as he taunted the hero.

It gave me an idea.

Ok, so it wasn’t the best plan I’ve ever had, but it certainly beat that time Shanna hired a Kakuen to throw barrels down the stairs at adventurers. I don’t even want to know what she was thinking with that one.

“Hey, Shanna?”

“Hm?”

“Wouldn’t it be fun to play the villain like the ones in your games?”

“Pass.”

“Oh come on, you own a tower that adventurers regularly raid. Wouldn’t it make sense for there to be a boss at the end?”

“No.”

OK, she asked for it: Plan B. I reached around from behind and cupped her soft, firm breasts in each hand. Shanna noticeably tensed up a little as I eased my mouth to her ear.

“Are you sure?” I whispered, slowly teasing a nipple with my fingers. I glanced at the screen again. She suddenly wasn’t doing so well. “It would make me very…happy.”

“Uhh… O-okay!” Shanna whimpered through grit teeth. Satisfied, I released my grip on her tits and carefully trudged my way through the sea of rubbish to the door.

“Great! I’ll do what I can to chase them out, and you can prepare yourself in case they make it up here.” Finally, I – we would get the recognition and respect we deserved. Distant noises echoing from below made it clear that the adventurer had breached the tower. Nothing new there, its standard practice to have weaker guardians on the lower floors and gradually increase the difficulty as you went up. Seriously, you just don’t question these things. I’m just glad I coaxed Shanna out of trying to recreate one of her videogame dungeons. Her Sens Fortress idea would have been especially costly to build, and an engineering nightmare for the unskilled undead workforce we had.

The sound of fighting was getting closer and fast, this adventurer was skilled indeed. I nervously looked over to the great doors behind me, hoping that Shanna would actually get off her shapely ass and put some effort into this. At the very least she could try and tidy the place up a bit first. Ugh, Perhaps we should have gone through the plan in a little more detail? Oh well, too late now. I’d just have to make do with what we had and hope for the best. I braced myself as the sound of footsteps approached from the nearby staircase, and cleared my throat in preparation for a villainous monologue. Its called showmanship, something I hoped Shanna would learn eventually.

Just moments later the intruder was standing before me. It was a woman, a rather pretty one for a human, with long dark hair in a ponytail and piercing green eyes. She wore an official looking set of armour and was holding a large and possibly enchanted sword in a combat stance. She glared daggers at me, soaked in sweat and panting out of exhaustion after the long climb up to this point. Typical human weaknesses that I had long ago shrugged off in favour of an eternity of undeath.

Well, here we go.

“FOOLISH MORTAL!” I bellowed in the most dramatic voice I could muster. “YOU DARE TO DISTURB THE GREAT WORKS OF SHANNALOTTE THE UNDYING?”

I tried not to giggle as I imagined her cringing behind the doors. Shanna hated being referred to by her full name.

The woman stood tall and proud, clearly unafraid. Either she was an experienced warrior or I overdid the introduction. “I am Cecilia Harvey of Valewood, and I have come to cleanse this place of the evil that lurks within.” She stated commandingly. “I have no quarrel with you, poor wretch. Stand aside and you will be spared.”

A paladin? I thought they were all supposed to be in that reintegration thingy these days.

The woman held her blade ready, but her expression almost immediately soured when her eyes fell to my crotch. I glanced down briefly, and noticed with some embarrassment that I still had the raging erection from earlier. I looked back at the paladin, who was possibly wondering how an undead could achieve an erection in the first place while lacking any blood flow.

No matter what she was thinking, the moment was now ruined. Damn Shanna and her amazing tits. Speaking of my wife, she’d better have something good prepared, or we’d both end up looking like fools again.

“Mwa. Ha. Ha. Ha.” A barely audible, emotionless voice echoed from behind the great doors.

I rested my head in my hands. Oh dear old gods, this was the worst idea ever, what the hell was I thinking? I nervously looked over to the Paladin’s face to study her reaction so far, but couldn’t really work it out from her stony expression. The doors to Shanna’s chamber opened, revealing the Lich to be standing on a pile of pizza boxes, wearing some kind of cape and holding an empty wine glass.

Since when did we have wine glasses?

“Another pitiful human here to pay me tribute.” Shanna mumbled, standing in a ridiculous pose. I groaned, we really should have discussed this at greater length, or at least cleaned the place up a bit. Even if she didn’t completely phone her performance in, the mess of a room utterly destroyed any atmosphere that remained.

“Tribute!?” Growled Cecilia, somehow caught up in the liches terribly acting. She pointed to me in a fury and spat “You stole this man’s soul and made him your slave!”

Shanna dramatically raised her hands to the sky and nonsensically boasted “Perhaps the same could be said of all religions…”

Wait, was she wearing fangs?

The Paladin stared down the lich, shaking in righteous fury. “Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!”

Seriously, why would a lich pretend to be a vampire?

“What is a man?” Shanna asked with a slight grin, presumably thinking she was nailing the role. She threw the glass on the floor, shattering it. Considering the state of the place it hardly mattered. “A miserable little pile of-“

Cecilia had clearly heard enough, which made two of us, and either out of zealous fury or simply wanting an end to the piss poor acting rushed at the lich, sword in hand. Fortunately for Shanna the endless piles of packaging and clothing on the floor were her salvation, and Cecilia tripped face first into the ground with the unmistakable sound of something breaking.

For a horrible second I thought the paladin had stumbled and got a lucky hit on Shanna’s phylactery, and was relieved when a few seconds had passed and no harm had came to either of us. Then I realised the truth was much worse.

The paladin stood up, face red with embarrassment from her humiliating fall. But all the colour in her face drained when she saw Shanna staring at her in a silent fury. I peered around the doorway to see what had riled Shanna up so much, whatever it was had to be big, liches rarely ever showed any sign of emotion.

Oh, this was bad. If my heart was capable of beating then the sight before me would have made it race in a panic. Cecilia had tripped over and broken Shanna’s old N64. Normally, the only thing that could drive a lich into a homicidal rage would be if its phylactery was threatened, but to Shanna there was something even more precious: Anyone who so much as touched her collection without asking was going to have hell to pay. For the love of the old gods, Why couldn’t she have broken the phylactery instead?

The lich stared at the broken console, seething in a silent rage. Whatever the Paladin had up her sleeve for such an event, it had better be good.

“Return to the grave, abomination!” Cecilia commanded, rushing Shanna once more while attempting to avoid any more humiliating slip ups. She didn’t get more than a few feet away from the furious undead before an invisible force threw her into a nearby wall. Impressively, Cecilia was back on her feet mere moments after the impact, any potential injuries from such a violent jolt was probably lessened by the pile of junk she fell into. The murderous intent in the warrior’s eyes quickly turned to surprise as she noticed the blade she carried was no longer in her hands, and she dropped to the floor, cursing while sifting through the mess in search of her sword.

If Shanna had any concept of sportsmanship it wasn’t showing today. Her eyes glowed with pure magical energy and the entire tower began to tremble in response to whatever she was casting. The floor began to groan and crack underfoot as the blind fury of the undead seemed to exert itself as a physical force on the building. Mercifully, the structure mostly withstood Shanna’s displeasure, and only a small portion of the floor gave way to the overwhelming magical force. Cecilia was sent tumbling down the floors below, shouting panicked obscenities along the way. Finally, we had repelled an adventurer and maybe even looked competent in doing so.

I proudly entered the room to congratulate her on our first official victory, but any possible celebration was immediately put on hold when I was Shanna’s face. She was staring forlorn at the broken N64, that was now currently teetering on the edge of the hole she had recently collapsed.

As much as I wanted to say ‘I told you so’ for leaving something she prized on the ground for anyone to step on in the first place, I knew this wasn’t the time. If liches could cry she’d be bawling her eyes out now, some damage control was in order and it was my job to cheer her up.

Carefully approaching the inconsolable sorceress, I embraced Shanna in a tight hug and tenderly kissed her on the cheek. “Hey, we can fix it. You have magic, right?” I tried to reassure her, smiling while staring into her violet eyes. By “fix” I meant the tower generally, but I knew Shanna had different priorities in mind.

The lich barely responded, looking distantly at the wrecked console and letting out a soft and sad “hmm” instead.

“How about you let me take your mind off this?” I offered, gently caressing the nape of her neck. Shanna shivered a little to the light stroking and held herself tightly to me, briefly resting her head on my shoulder. I scooped her up in my arms and carefully made my way around the gaping hole in the floor towards the bed.

Thinking back, things weren’t too bad today. Perhaps when that Paladin returned to civilization she would tell tales of the fearsome undead who ruled this decrepit tower, and this place would finally get the respect it deserved. Who knows, maybe she’d even mention the layabout lich who freeloads there too.

Hey, she deserves a little credit.

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One thought on “No-Lifer”

  1. This was a rather heartwarming slice of fantasy life. Definitely can see stone towers, Paladins, and game consoles living together in harmony.

    As with your other stories the characters are just a joy to follow, and their conversations really show that. Another great story, and I guess I’ll be lurking around for more from you sooner or later!

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