Magic Matango Mushrooms

Magic Matango Mushrooms


“Life sucks, and then you die.”

That was my motto when I was growing up. When I first heard it, I embraced it. You would too, if you had to put up with my Old Man for as long as I did.

Currently, I’m working on improving that motto, so that it reflects what my life is like now. It would involve sucking for sure, but it’d also include fucking as well. Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Personally I think the hardest thing I’ve found about being a grownup, is having to try to find a way through the suckiest parts of life without going postal. On that note, I’ll give you some advice that has helped me through my toughest times: If you hold on long enough, it does get better.

Me? I found my way through the absolute worst time of my life with a little help from an old friend. As a result of his efforts on my behalf, I found that my life didn’t just get better.

It got fucking amazing!


“Get the fuck out of my face, you goddamned piece of shit!” That, was the last thing my old man said to me before our estrangement. That was because I wouldn’t let him bully my wife. At least in the same way I had let him bully me, growing up.

As it turned out, it was the last thing he ever said to me. That’s because he refused to allow me in the room with him, despite his being on his deathbed.

Yessiree, that was my dad: The Mr. “Family-Values” man. Never mind the fact that I forgave him the shit he pulled with me and Ma during my life. To his last breath, he simply would not forgive me my trespass.

Oh, our tiff didn’t start eleven years ago when I told him to take his opinions and shove it up his ass. No, it started a lot longer before then. Probably before I was even born. I reckon it started the day he learned that he was gonna be a daddy.

I say that, because according to Ma, that was when he started getting physically abusive with her, as opposed to just verbally. It only took her a decade to get tired enough of his shit to leave him.

Apparently, he felt that it was her fault for her getting pregnant with me. Never mind that he didn’t believe in using condoms. According to her, his having to use them ‘spoiled the mood’. That, and it being against his Church’s teachings.

I may be wrong in my recollection, but I think I remember his Church advising that men should keep their pants zipped. But I’m not a member of the Order, so what do I know?

But Dad, like so many of his fellow Churchies, decided to pick and choose which teachings he was gonna follow. But hey, they felt good about it. His church was all about forgiveness, right? Near as I could tell the only folks he, and his church friends ever forgave were themselves. Everyone else could take a hike.

When I was growing up, I decided that I had enough of him and his Church shit. The first chance that came up, I chose to go to college and become a Nurse.

Woo! To say that Dad wasn’t pleased with that choice, was an understatement!

“A Nurse? A fucking NURSE!? Are you out of your fucking mind, boy! Only women are nurses!” That’s what he screamed to me, once I checked in with him after I applied. Prior to that, I still hadn’t been absolutely sure if I wanted to be one. But once he gave me his two cents, my mind became set on it.

After I graduated from college, I joined the Peace Corps. I did that for the wrong reasons too: Because it pissed off my old man.

“Goddamned Peace Corps! Always trying to make nice! That’s no fit job for a real man! Real Men join the Marines! Like I did!” he sneered at me, one hand wavering around, latched onto his ever-present whiskey bottle. Hey, some kids had their sippy-cups, my Dad had his bottle of Old Drow.

“Hold on Dad!” I sneered back. “Are you claiming to be a Marine now?” By that time, I knew his spiel so well that I couldn’t resist taking a verbal swing at him.

“Of course I’m a goddamned Marine! I’ve done my time!” he crowed, not quite slurring his words.

“That’s funny!” I replied, putting a finger to my chin in ‘thought’. “According to the Corps, you’re an EX-marine!” I hissed back at him. I knew it’d set him off, but I didn’t care anymore.

“There ain’t no such thing as an EX-MARINE!” he yelled, his eyes widening angrily, trying desperately to get to his feet and failing, again. Too much hair of the dog will do that to a person. Or so I’ve been told.

“Oh yes there is, Mr. Less-Than-An-Honorable-Discharge! As I recall that’s what happens when assholes get caught sticking it to the Commandant’s underage daughter!” I yelled back, laughing.

Then, I dodged that half-empty bottle of whiskey he threw at me. It smashed on the wall behind me with a satisfying crash.

“Get the fuck out of my house! You, disrespectful piece of shit!” I left, happily. The smell of that cheap rotgut assaulted my nose something fierce as I departed. Never before, had it smelled so good to me as it did right then. I admit, my doing that was a cheap shot, but it was the only thing I could get. After all, he stopped hitting me once he found out I was willing to hit him back.

I had no real idea what I had signed up for in the Peace Corps. It turned out to be such a bigger challenge that what I had expected, that I came close to throwing in the towel.

Then, Larry came along. He was an older gent who took me under his wing and showed me the ins and outs of the Corps. Ah hell, he was like the good Old Man I’d always wanted growing up, but never got to. Because of him, I chose to stick with it all. I’m glad I did.

I stuck with it, despite that pain-in-the-ass Doc I ended up working with.
She, Doctor Cassandra, was some hoity-toity Surgeon from the Upper East-Side of Manhattan. While I, was a male-Nurse from some backwater kissing-cousin county, (her words). I had to admit she was easy on the eyes, so long as she kept her piehole shut. Which unfortunately, wasn’t often enough.

“Why are you even here, bumpkin?” she sneered at me, one afternoon in the field clinic. She said this, as she got ready to stitch up a local kid who found a land-mine the hard way. Me? I replied first, by setting down the tray I was carrying, next to her.

“It’s quite simple, Doc,” I began as I latched onto the hemostats she was holding.

“I’m here to make sure you don’t fuck up!” I sneered back.

“HEY!” she shouted, her eyes flaring as she grabbed them back. “Let-Go!” she glared. But, I wouldn’t.

“No.” I replied, simply. I could see her nostrils flaring as she got ready to chew my ass, but I cut her off.

“These aren’t sterile. They’re the ones you used on a previous patient.” I said as I pointed to a blood spot on one. Her eyes followed my finger and she gave a jolt of surprise.

“Use one of the freshly autoclaved ones I brought in, instead.” I replied levelly, indicating the cloth covered tray I had set down. She looked at them, and let go of the dirty ones. I locked eyes with her for a second, then turned away and went on with my duties. She never did apologize for that, but I never rubbed her nose in it either.

Lordy, I couldn’t stand her high falutin attitude. To be fair, she couldn’t stand my southern accent either. But, we worked out an arrangement. We would both be professional and set aside our differences when we had to work together. After all, we weren’t in that country for a pleasure cruise. This worked out OK for a couple of months.

You know, it’s weird when you can barely stand to be in the same room with someone when you’re off-duty. But on-duty, you mesh together like gears in a watch. Many, were the times I knew what instrument she was gonna demand in the O.R. Even before she even opened her overly wide trap.

At first, it freaked her out when I did that. But, after a while she got used to it. Eventually, it got to the point that she would just raise a hand, latch onto what I placed into it, and went to work without once looking at it. All without a word spoken from either of us. I like to think that we made a good team.

During surgery, she was like a wizard with a scalpel. But, she may well have been holding a chainsaw, when it came to her bedside manner. I don’t know how many kids she managed to frighten in her time. But, I was always on hand to come to her rescue.

“How do you do that, Nurse Carl?” I heard her ask me one time over my shoulder, after I had to calm a kid down that she’d been examining.

“Do what Doc?” I asked innocently, as I was drawing some blood from that toddler.

“What you’re doing right now.” She whispered, pointing. “The kids scream if I so much as pull out a tongue depressor anymore. But, you’ve got a needle in her arm and she didn’t wince, not even once.” She asked me, searchingly.

“I just treat them the way I wanted to be treated, when I was a kid.” I replied, smiling down at that rugrat. That adorable scamp looked back up at me with the most soulful of eyes.

 “I ask them what they want, and I listen to them when they reply. Simple really.” My heart melted when that little one returned my smile.

Then, that professional relationship I had with the Doc changed. Along came that one day I heard her screaming her head off. It turned out that one of the dudes she’d been sewing up, decided to attack her. It involved something about ‘his honor’ being damaged by his being treated by a woman. Or something like that.

I was closest when it began. When I showed up, he was threatening her with a knife to her throat, and she was like a deer in the headlights. I managed to fight him off and knock his ass out, but not before he managed to jab that knife into me.

“Goddamnit Doc! We’ve got plenty of lidocaine! Use some already!” I half-screamed through clenched teeth, as I lay face down on the operating table.

“There’s no time Carl!” she said, holding me down and slicing away.

“You’ve got a nicked artery and you’re hemorrhaging fast, I’ve got to get it under control. Now! So, shut up and let me do my job!” She said coldly. That’s another thing about her, I never once heard her voice quiver when she was on the job. No matter how hectic things got, she could be counted on to be the team’s Rock.

That lidocaine ended up not getting used, since I passed out from blood loss a few moments later. When I came to, I was in Recovery getting a transfusion from a unit.

Looking up, I checked the marking on the container. Yep, sure enough, it was one I’d donated just a couple of days previous.
There was no sign of the Doc, then. Larry was there though. He helped me get into some clean clothes, and managed to get me back to my tent. He stuck around for a while, at least until I tried to take a nap.

“Carl? Are you awake?” I heard that familiar voice that always grated on my nerves.

‘Typical, just as I was falling asleep too!’ I grumbled to myself, as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Looking, who do I see? Miss-Prissy-Pants. She looked odd, like she’d been crying.

‘As if!’ I thought.

“Yeah, whatta ya want?” I said blearily, hoping she’d take the hint, so that she’d make like a tree and leave. She didn’t.

“Carl, I just came by to see how you’re holding up.” She said, waveringly.

“I’m fine Doc, nothing a little sleep couldn’t do to make better.” I said pointedly. She still didn’t get the hint.

Of course not!’ I groused.

“Here, let me inspect your wound, it was a rush job and I want to make sure everything is all right.” I wasn’t sure, but it sounded like her voice was unusually high pitched then.

‘Ok, if I indulge her, maybe she’ll go away and leave me be.’ I sighed and tried to get up. But, when I did, I got dizzy enough to almost pass out.

The next thing I know she’s supporting me as I’m sitting on my cot again. I’m open mouthed from panting, and I turn to thank her for grabbing me like that. The last thing I needed was a concussion, after all. Our eyes meet, and the next thing I know, she’s kissing me! WTF?!

Well, she didn’t leave my tent for a long while that night. And, she kept coming by every night afterwards too.

 Dude, I can tell you I was so glad, when my stitches stopped hurting. That’s one of the weird things about being in combat, or the like type situations. You learn who your friends are, and you bond with them in ways that civvie life doesn’t allow.

After our tour, she wanted us to stay together. I decided I liked that idea. But, her family made it plain that they didn’t care for ‘my kind’. Yet she chose to stick with me anyways. She never told me why she felt that way for me.

Eventually, I finally figured out the rest of my Old Man’s mental bullying tactics and learned to fight back maturely. I can tell you he really hated that!
Oh, I put up with a shit-ton of it growing up, and even when I was an adult. But when he tried to pull that shit with my wife, I lost it. I stood up to the bastard. After that, he told me to stay away from him.

Which I did. Or at least until a cousin asked me to show up at his death-bed.

You know what? Even then, as weak as he was, he still refused to talk to me. Then, I got to see him die. It wasn’t an easy passing. I guess all those STD’s he’d been exposed to, finally caught up with him. Yeah, you read that right.

Mom hadn’t been the only one he’d been slipping it to. I may very well have some half-brothers and sisters running around. You know what? Damned if I know, and damned if I care. Since he didn’t care for the use of condoms, he got that one STD that carried a death sentence. What a work of art, huh?

But I had my wife, right?

Nope. Along about then, I catch her with another dude. A coworker of ours. Someone I thought was our friend. She said, that she wanted to recapture the ‘magic’. Whatever the fuck that is. I didn’t care for that shit.

I told her she had to make a choice, him or me. Guess what? Since he had a ‘proper’ upbringing, which is to say- RICH, her family decided that they LOVED his ass over mine. Never mind the circumstances of how they got together.

She left. She said she was happy, He was happy, her family was happy. Me? I got the shaft more ways than one, financially mostly. I had to relocate because I didn’t want to risk bumping into them in town, let alone at work. So after that, life started to really suck ass.

So yeah, after a year of trying to deal with all the shit that came along. I decided that I had had enough. So, I bought myself a gun-show 12 Gauge.

Not long after, I had my first shot all set to go: Straight under my chin. I was a half-pull of a trigger away from it, when I got a text message from Larry. The weird thing here? I could’ve sworn I’d turned that damn cell phone off. Totally off. I guess I hadn’t.

<Hey Carl! Long time no see man! I’m in town for a few hours, and I’m gonna be hanging at the Pourhouse. Come and see me, we got some serious shit to catch up on man! I promise you, you won’t regret it!>

After I read that message, I realized that I was smiling for the first time in what seemed to be the longest while. So, I unloaded my 12-gauge, packed it away, and went over.


I drove there. It lay on the ‘wrong-side-of-the-tracks’ part of town, therefore it was a real dive. Then I realized something else along the way.

‘How in the hell does he know about the Pourhouse?’ I thought. ‘It’s not like he ever lived in this town.’ Then when I got there, I noticed that there was something off about the joint. All the lights were on, but there weren’t any other vehicles around in the lot.

Stepping in, I saw that he was the only one in the place. There wasn’t a bartender, bouncer, or any other customer in sight, anywhere.

I didn’t let that stop me. Ah hell, I decided it was good to see him again. So, I ignored the weird stuff. It’d been too long since I’d seen him last. Yet there he was, standing up from the barstool he’d been sitting on, waiting for me.

“Hey Carl, Pal! How’s it going dude?!” he smiled as he shook my hand, hard. I winced when he squeezed my hand. He noticed and let go, apologizing.

“Sorry dude! I don’t know my own strength anymore!” he grinned back at me. I had to admit, despite his weird looking getup, it did my soul good to see the man.

His clothes had an alternating diamonds pattern and an honest to god top hat, and everything he wore was colored purple. The last I had seen of him, was umpteen years ago. He’d been wearing surgical scrubs while crying over a kid we hadn’t been able to save.

“No sweat Larry!” I smiled back at him while rubbing my suddenly sore hand.

“What’s with the get up?” I laughed, despite my feeling depressed enough to blow my brains out an hour ago. That enthusiasm he had was starting to sink into me.

“Oh this?” he grinned, waving a hand up and down at himself. “This is the stuff my women like to wear. So naturally, I like to wear the same stuff to imitate them.” Now that I had a chance, I took a closer look. That style was definitely out there. Then I got it!

“Larry, why are you cosplaying ‘Alice in Wonderland’? That was it for sure. He had himself a long tailed coat that would’ve looked appropriate for a Victorian style gentleman, ah hell, even on a rough-man. And, that top hat of his, it had an organic look to it that looked,… off to me in a way I couldn’t put my finger on.  The weird thing, he wore a set of anachronistic blue jeans, dyed a purple tinge.

“Hey Carl-man, it comes with the territory!” He winked. I noticed then that grin of his, held a LOT of teeth.

“What territory is that?” I asked, curious. Somehow that grin of his, widened even further. Just as soon as I finished asking, I felt someone’s arms snake their way around my waist in an embrace. This embrace was accentuated by a pair of oversized boobies pressing into my back.

“Wonderland, baby!” breathed a husky feminine voice in my ear. Jerking in surprise, I turned my head and saw the most enchanting pair of eyes looking back at me.

‘Red! Her irises, they’re red!’, I thought to myself. ‘They gotta be contacts, but I’ve never seen such good contacts before!’ looking down I saw that her arms were covered in purple fur with black stripes.

“What the hell?” I said, aloud. The young lady licked me on the ear, and pulled her arms back from around me. As I turned around to get a better look at her, I thought I heard a slight puffing sound. When I did get fully turned, she was gone.

But that was impossible! It couldn’t have been more than a second or two at most! The nearest door was over twenty feet away, there was no way she could have gotten there that fast! Nor was there a pool table to hide underneath, those were on the far side of the partition over at the Grill side of the building. I just stood there gawping, unsure about what the hell just happened.

“Hey Carl, are you all right?” Larry said, laying a hand on my shoulder. I flinched.

“Who the hell was that, and where did she go?” I asked, incredulous.

“Oh her? That was just Wilamarina. Don’t mind her, she’s always a flirt.”

“What is she? A ninja?”

“You mean a Kunoichi?” Larry screwed up his face in thought. “Nah! Willie’s just a Cheshire. They’re all like that, try to pay it no mind.” While he was talking, I saw a pair of purple cat ears rise up over one of his shoulders. They were attached to a shock of unruly, yet somehow tidy, purple hair. The ears kept rising until I saw those red eyes appear once more. Then those eyes locked with mine, and she winked saucily.

I hesitated, then tried to duck around Larry to catch up with her. He remained still, looking down at me while I moved. Yet by the time I got behind him, she was gone.

“What the fuck?” I said, gawping.

“Don’t bother attempting to catch up with her, Carl.” He smirked. “You’ll just drive yourself mad if you try”

“Umm.” Was all I could come with then.

“Here, why don’t you sit down? Take a load off your feet.” He directed me to a pair of nearby bar stools. I sat down shakily, blinking. Larry, was nice enough to let me get my bearings before talking again. Then, after a second, I remembered something he said.

“Wait! Women? You keep talking about your women?” I asked, turning to him. “As in, plural? No offense Larry, but since when did you ever manage to enchant a woman?! Let alone, several?” Somehow, I don’t know how, that shit eating grin of his grew wider still. Before he answered, I found myself lost trying to count his teeth, and I kept coming up with an impossible number.

“Yeah, you heard me right Carl! Women! I’ve got four of them hanging about me now.”

“Wait a second!” I interrupted. “You’re telling me that you’re banging FOUR women? Stop pulling my leg! There’s no wa…” I was about to say more, but that was when I felt someone actually pulling on one of my legs. I froze and without turning my head, I looked down and saw a purple furred hand/paw latched onto my knee pulling. It stopped when I looked, and I felt a familiar breath blowing air into my ear. I didn’t bother trying to see who.

“Four?” I said quietly. I heard a giggle behind my ear as she pulled her arm back and away, but it strayed to my crotch along its departure route. Just for a second that paw copped a feel off of me. I had to admit, I liked that paw right then, it had been a long while since any woman’s hand had been down there.

“Four.” He smiled a closed smile back at me, which spared me that futile tooth counting exercise. He then handed me what looked to be a cup of tea. “Here, drink this, it’ll help calm your nerves.” I took it. The tea was purple in color.

‘Of course.’ I decided, and smelled it: Lavender. I didn’t bother trying to ask what kind of alehouse served tea, or for that matter where it came from. There still wasn’t a bartender anywhere in sight, near as I could tell.

I sighed, and took a sip. Damn, it was good tea. Not too hot, not too cold.

I slowly drank the entire cup. Larry just sat with me patiently, not saying a word. Somewhere, I didn’t know where, he produced his own cup. I ignored it. Finally, after a long while I asked.

“All right, give. What’s the deal? How is it that you’ve got four,” I paused, looking over my shoulder for the purple she-ninja not-catperson and not seeing her.

When I turned back there she was, leaning on him and beaming at me. I chose to drink another sip of tea. Then I realized I shouldn’t have been able to do that, it was empty. Glancing down I noticed that it was full again.

‘Ok, whatever!’  *sssslurp*

“Four women.” I finished, while watching Wilamarina’s hands/paws, roaming all over Larry’s bod. While she was doing that, I took a longer and closer look at him.

‘When in the hell did he get so buff? And so young-looking? He looks positively like a late teenager now.’ I mused. Not bad, for a man ten years my senior.

He leaned over at me, ignoring the ever more persistent groping of his cat-woman, and spoke.

“Mushrooms.” He whispered with finality. As if this explained it all. I waited several seconds more for him to continue, and when he didn’t, I prompted.

“What kind of mushrooms?” I asked.

“Matango Mushrooms. They’re Magical!” he whispered fiercely, his eyebrows rising. It was then I noticed his eye color, they were purple too.

‘Imagine that’ I thought to myself dryly. ‘Ok, I’ll play along.’

“So how do these, Matango Mushrooms?” I asked, looking over at him. He nodded. “help to get you four women to latch onto you?” He grinned again, and went on to explain. It was rather long winded, but I had to admit he was a good storyteller.

Apparently, and I’m quoting him here, there is another world near our own. Yeah I know, woo-woo stuff. But then, he’s the one with the distinctly hot-looking-cat-cosplay-chick molesting him. Never once did she contradict him during his spiel. She had something else in mind.

“This other world, near our own, is filled with Girls.” He smiled, I didn’t bother trying a count again.

“Well, Monster-Girls that is.” He shrugged. “More on that Monster part later. The main thing is, all of these girls, are not so much girls as they are women. Well, most of them are. Women, that is. Some of the girls are girls, yet not girls…” He said, and stopped after seeing my confused look.

“Nevermind!” he said, waving a hand around. I never did get that part cleared up that night.

“The main thing to remember, Carl! Is that all of the women who are there, are all hot and bothered for a guy. ANY guy!” he said, spreading his hands in an encompassing gesture.

“Now, here’s the clincher: Once they’ve chosen a dude to latch onto. They become DEVOTED to that one dude. It doesn’t matter if the dude is fat, short, hairy, or for that matter- Fugly. They’ll take him and keep him!” He finished talking by making both of his upraised hands into fists.
I had to admit, I was sold just as soon as I heard the word: Devoted.

It got better, just about every one of those women were exotic beauties.
Even better, they all took care of themselves to the extent that even in their old age, they still looked good.

Better still, some of them didn’t mind their dude having more than one woman. Ah hell, no few of them even encouraged it!
Best of all, they all enjoyed sex. They wanted to do it plenty and often! What can I say man, it sounded like it was too good to be true and I said as much.

“Come on Larry! Give!” I shook my head skeptically. “This sounds like something some perpetually horny teenager would come up with.”

“Ah, a Doubting-Thomas!” He replied, looking down at Wilmarina. Who by then, was trying to unzip his pants using just her teeth.

“I can understand that! For what it’s worth Carl, I doubted it the first time I heard it too.” he laughed, slapping something onto the bar countertop. I took a look at it, and saw that his hand was holding down a plastic box. It appeared to be filled with some ground up plant material.

I wanted to ask what it was, but when I looked back at him I saw that he now had a dreamy expression on his face. Glancing down, I saw why. ‘Willie’ had set something free, and was bobbing her head enthusiastically. I couldn’t blame him for being distracted.

Ah hell, I was getting distracted too. It wasn’t every day you saw a nice young lady going to town, out in the open like that. I kept quiet, I got the sense that our conversation wouldn’t have lasted much longer anyways.

He closed his eyes momentarily in ecstasy. I glanced down and saw that Wilmarina was bobbing her head in strokes so long, that they shouldn’t have been possible for a human male.
Judging by his length, I reckoned that Mister Ed must have woken up one morning to a nasty surprise! As I recalled from the Peace Corps communal shower days, Larry hadn’t been this well-endowed, back then.

Looking around, I half expected the bartender to show up, or a bouncer at the very least. Normally this kind of behavior would get a person yelled at, if not thrown out. But there wasn’t anyone around. Like I said, weird.

Then I heard him groan. It was a long drawn out one. Yeah, he was ejaculating, and he must’ve been like an elephant: coming in quarts. His woman was a trooper, she guzzled it all.

Damn, I so envied Larry right then. He had himself an exotic looking woman who went down on him in a bar, and she was a gobbler to boot.

Definitely a keeper!’, I judged wistfully.

Afterwards, she licked him clean with a rather long tongue and put that horse dick of his away, smiling. She winked at me once more, and excused herself for a minute. I watched her leave, and I could’ve swore she had an honest to goodness cat tail swinging on her butt. I don’t know how I couldn’t have seen it before. I guess my attention had been diverted elsewhere.

I noticed then, Larry’s hand slide something along the bar towards me. When he lifted his hand away, I saw that it was that clear plastic box filled with some plantlike material. I reached for the box, but when I touched it, Larry’s hand slammed down on mine, painfully.

“Beware Carl! This stuff isn’t just some run of the mill magic mushrooms found in a cow chip covered meadow,” he said, his eyes boring fiercely into mine.

“This is the real deal! REAL Magic! Demonic Magic!” The way he said it, sent a shiver up my spine.

“Ok, Demonic Magic. Got it.” I nodded, breathing through my mouth. “What does that mean?” he let go. I picked up the box.

“There’s a price.” He said with gravity.

“How much? A hundred, two hundred?”

“Not money Carl! The Maou’s beneficence doesn’t come with a monetary price tag!” he enthused.

“Maou?” I asked, confused.

“More on that later. Right now, all you need to know is this: They’re a specially bred version of Magic Matango Mushrooms. You’ll notice that the box is separated into six sections?”

“Yeah, I see that. What of it?”

“Each section is one dose. One dose, will take you to that Monster-Girl world. You’ll be there for several hours the first time, the second will keep you there even longer. The sixth? You stay.”

“And that’s the price? You stay there?” He shook his head.

“Nope!” he grinned. “The price is, before you use up the sixth dose, you have to promise to share a box with another male friend. At least one box, one friend; MINIMUM!” he half yelled. I didn’t flinch, instead I smiled carefully. I didn’t want to upset my nice-crazy-mentor-friend.

“And you’re wanting to keep your promise then?” He smirked when I asked that. Then he pulled out his own box. It had one dose left. The sight of it left me with a thoughtful look on my face, I could feel it.

“So, if I refuse this box,” I held up my full one. “does that mean you won’t get to go to your ‘Wonderland’?”

“Actually, I can go anytime I want to Carl. I’ve already kept my promise several times over.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

“Because I remembered about you and Cassandra.” He said, placing a hand on mine. I didn’t pull away, I couldn’t. I just needed some human touch, no homo.

“I knew that she was gonna break your heart, man!  Also, I’ve known for the longest while, you’d be inclined to put that 12-gauge of yours to your chin as a result.” He gave me an understanding look, one filled with a sad empathy.

“I held off on my final trip, just for this day man! I waited just for you Carl.” He finished, his voice wavering and giving me a half-smile.

I thought about for a bit. Even if he was just blowing smoke up my ass. I had to admit, that it had been a long while since anyone had even pretended to do something nice for me.

“Thanks Larry. All right, what do I have to do to make this work?” He stayed silent. I looked at him all confused, then I got the point.

“I promise to share it with someone, before it’s my time.” He smiled.


Like any other psychoactive substance, you had to be in a certain state of mind to make it more effective. You know, to make your trip less likely into a bad one.

And, I had to focus on what kind of Monster-Girl I wanted to hook up with, before-hand. He, Larry, had been enamored of Wonderland when he first read of it. So that’s where he ended up his first time.

He recommended that I do some research first. Apparently, information on the Monster Girl universe was available online in many formats. He personally recommended that I start with a bulletin board called: Touch Fluffy Tail.

“Why that one?” I asked.

“That one? Because, all of the authors there have been to the Monster Girl Universe,” he laughed haltingly, “or will be soon.”


“All of the authors on that site,” he said, wagging his finger at me Texas style, “have detailed their journeys to the Monster Girl universe in one form or another. Now, if you go through the author list, you’ll find that some of them have tons of stories, while many others have only one. That’s because whenever one of them stops writing, they’ve gone over and aren’t inclined to come back long enough to write their final story!” I just looked at him skeptically, he ignored it.

“Research the shit out of it man! Read up on it! Even better yet, become an author once you’ve taken a trip or two. Let someone else know what it’s like!”

“You’re talking like you’ve written a few stories yourself.”

“I have Man! Just go ahead and start reading. You’ll know which one is me. I guarantee it.” He said, standing up and giving me a light punch on the shoulder. I held the box to my face as he walked away. I stared at the contents inside flaking together then falling apart, as I mused about the possibilities.

“Best of luck Carl! You won’t regret it!” he said in farewell. As I watched, I saw him knocking back that last dose. I noticed then that Wilmarina had rejoined him, and that there were three other exotic cosplay women with him as well. One had dragon wings and horns. The second looked like a pink furred Playboy/Easter Bunny combination. The third looked a lot like a normal human woman, but she was wearing a Card Diamond outfit. I blinked, and then they were gone. It was like they had been all figments of my imagination. But they couldn’t have, I still had my box.

I got up and went home, taking that box with me. As I was falling asleep that night, I woke with a start. I remembered what Larry had said about my 12-gauge.

‘Wait a minute! I only bought that piece a couple of mornings ago! So, how could he have ‘known for the longest while’?’


The next morning, I did what he said. It didn’t take long to find TFT using a search engine. There was a shit load of information available there, but not just authors, but artists as well. It was a goldmine of information.

Soon, I found out about the Monster Girl Encyclopedia. There, I learned about Larry’s four women: A Cheshire, a Jabberwock, a March Hare, and a Trumpart. The artwork wasn’t spot on, but then, what art work really is? But damn near all of them, could’ve been photographs.

The authors? There was quite a list of them I enjoyed reading: Scorched Ananas, Ratsikins, Blake’s Seven, Yote, Budding Democracy. Larry was right, he was easy to find: Larry the Fable Guy! Sheesh what a tag-line!

Oh. there were no few of them, that had ‘room for improvement’. But so long as they kept writing, anyone could see that they worked on improving their prose. It was inevitable.

Needless to say, there was at least one that groaded me out: Death’s Moon. I mean c’mon here, a middle-aged goth? Give me a break! As if I’d want to go to THAT section of the Monster Girl Universe! 

I had so much fun reading about other folk’s journeys to this puerile pornographic Never-Never Land, that my own outlook on life improved something fierce. It got to the point, that well, I just set Larry’s box of mushrooms aside and got on with my life.

And that’s the way things would’ve stayed, if Cassandra hadn’t come back trying to get me to reconcile. It turned out that the dude she left me for? He got tired of her a couple of months ago. He then started stepping out on her with some younger, fresher, medical interns.

So, I held her hand. I listened to her wail and cry. I let her fall asleep on my shoulder. Then when she woke up, she tried to ‘reconcile’ right then and there, I told her no.

I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to, but I didn’t want to get hurt again. She lost something precious from me. My trust. I told her that. She left in a huff.

After that, I went back to the internet and did an all-night bender on those Monster Girl websites. Oh sure, I read of no-few females that I’d have loved to have had as a woman of my own. But most of them had something, I don’t know, ‘missing’. Then, by chance, I found her.

I don’t know how I didn’t see her before. After all, she had made her intentions quite clear. She’d been looking for a guy for some time, yet somehow never had managed to snag one.

Her name? Saphirette Spherica.

Wow! After I read of her and her past, I just knew that she was the one for me. I tried to sleep on it, but I couldn’t. After a couple of hours of tossing and turning, I got up and started prepping, as if I were getting ready for a date. Which, in a way I was. Once I was ready, I followed Larry’s instructions.

I lay down, opened the box, took out a dose, and started chewing on it. All the while I was chewing I concentrated on Saphirette Spherica. I think I dozed off for a second.


When I woke up. The first thing I noticed, was that my bed was awfully hard, and cold.

Opening my eyes, I saw that I wasn’t in my bed. I was on someone’s floor. But not my bedroom floor, which was carpeted. This floor was polished hardwood. Looking around, it appeared to be some sort of library, as there were shelves and shelves of books all around me.

Getting up, I put a hand on the shelves and noticed that the books seemed to be large ones: Old-fashioned kind with hard covers. Some were leather, others cardboard. Just about everyone of them appeared to be handmade. But I couldn’t read the writing.

After getting fully upright and steadying myself, I noticed that the air had an odd feel to it. It felt a lot like the air does, just before a thunderstorm. Heavy. It was kind of hard to breathe too. But I got used to it shortly.

Walking around, I soon came to an open area. There, along one wall was a desk piled high with open books, they were surrounding a stack of notes. On one side of those notes was an ink jar, and a quill. I also noticed that there were no lights anywhere in sight, yet I could see everything plain as day. Weird.

“Hello?” I called out, and listened for an answer. None came. It was just silent all around me.

Looking around, I couldn’t see anyone nearby. Yet the desk looked like someone was there not too long ago. I then noticed that the desk was facing an oversized map with a number of pins sticking out of it. Approaching the desk and that strange looking map, I noted that there were a number of continents and island chains. It took me a moment or three, but eventually I figured out what had been bothering me about the map. It looked like an Earth map, but with a whole bunch of extra islands and continents!

Going up to the desk and leaning over, I could actually read some of the writing! Lescatie, that sounded familiar. Zipangu, yeah I remembered that one. Cynosure, didn’t ring a bell.

Suddenly, just for a second, I thought I heard the sound of a child’s footsteps tapping away on the floor somewhere nearby.

“Hello? Is someone there? I don’t mean to intrude.” I called out once more, my voice echoing slightly. The tapping paused for a moment, then it started up again, rapidly coming closer to me. Then, around a book shelf corner she appeared.

She, was quite the sight to me. She was about two feet high, had light grey skin, and a slightly darker shade of gray hair that was cut in a bob. When she saw me she stopped, skidding to a halt. She didn’t say anything, but just stood there gawping at me, her hands (?) at her sides. I noticed that she was buck naked.

“Hello?” I said quietly, when she didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry to intrude, would you be willing to help me?” She stopped gawping for a second and blinked her eyes slowly, as if she were surprised I still existed. I pressed on.

“I’m looking for someone. That person’s name is Saphirette Spherica…oh!” As soon as I said her name, the small…elemental (?) gave a start and smiled, widely. Too wide for a human. It creeped me out.

“Could you please, direct me to …” I started to ask, but the grey humanoid just darted away without a word. I could hear the staccato of her footsteps rapidly retreating, faster than when she approached. Finally, they stopped, and I heard the slamming of a door, a fair piece away.

So, I decided to wait until someone else arrived. I went back to looking at the map, to get a handle of where I may be in relation to Earth. Try as I might, I couldn’t find anything that corresponded. I guess I was so concentrated in reviewing things, that I didn’t notice any footsteps of someone coming near. Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me.

“Iggie! Calm down already! I’m awake now. What is it that you want me to…OH!” said this feminine voice. I turned completely around and that was when I saw her for the first time. She was wondrous.

The artwork I’d seen of her online, simply didn’t do her justice. She was indeed a brunette, and wore glasses. Bee-Cee-Gee’s I think they were called. Her ears came to a point about six inches from her hair, and she had an overall olive complexion. I wasn’t sure about how tall she was, since she was sitting on what appeared to be a black ball of …something. I did notice that the black ball was sprouting tentacles, they had momentarily been writhing when we first made eye contact, but now they were completely still.

I couldn’t help but notice that she was yawning and gawking at the same time. She appeared to be wearing a Victorian style night dress. Me? I was in awe of her. She blinked first. Which, broke the spell we were both underneath then.

“Uh…Hello?” I said, just barely repressing a stammer. She closed her mouth, and looked away. I noticed that she was blushing furiously then.

I also noticed that her body language said that she was afraid. She drew in her arms and tentacles close, and one of those tentacles started playing with a lock of her hair. Iggie, for her part, was jumping up and down in place trying to drag Ms. Spherica closer to me. I couldn’t help but wonder why she was so determined to do that.

“My apologies. I had no idea I would show up at this time, or in this manner.” I began explaining, as I turned around to not face her directly.

“Is there anything you would like me to do, that would help you feel better with my presence?” She seemed a bit flustered at that. She kept looking at me momentarily, then looking away and playing with her hair and hugging herself.

‘Taciturn indeed!’ I thought to myself. ‘It’s just as well I came prepared.’ With that, I pulled out a small pair of computer pads that I had modified previously for this very occasion. Leaning down, I quickly activated them, and then motioned for Iggie to come over. She did, curious as her mistress was to what I was doing.

“Here little one. If you would be so kind, hand this to your Lady!” I said excitedly. Iggie hesitantly did as I asked, looking it over first warily. I motioned for her, him, it to continue.

I picked up my own pad, and prepped it, while I walked a short distance away from them both. Once I saw that Ms. Spherica was examining hers, I then proceeded to hand type a message to her,

<Hello, Ms. Spherica.> I typed, and hit send.

A second later, Saphirette flinched slightly when the notification tone sounded. What went on after, was a bit of pantomime as I tried to explain both verbally, and with the pads, what was going on.

<helloo. Strange persssonn> she typed slowly back, holding the pad with a tentacle, while carefully typing with both hands. All the while staring at me warily.

‘Perfectly understandable, considering the circumstances.’ I thought to myself.

<Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Carl Orbison>

<Why are you here in my home? How did you get in without setting off any alarms?>

<My apologies for my unorthodox arrival. I had no way of knowing when or how I would arrive.>  I then went on to explain about the Magic Mushrooms. She seemed to be intrigued by the notion.

<So, again, why are you here?> she asked concernedly.

<It was my hope to see if you were still interested in finding a mate.> I replied. I saw her eyes widen in surprise, and I thought I saw just a hint of a smile. That heartened me. She looked at me speculatively for moment, then turned her head down and resumed typing.

<If you know of that, then you should know of other methods of correspondence. Why didn’t you try those first?>

‘A fair question’, I pondered.

<I didn’t try those methods, because I doubt my correspondence would’ve reached you. For you see, I come from another world.> That raised her eyebrows.

<That is an interesting assertion, Mr. Orbison. What evidence can you provide to prove it?> That stopped me in my mental tracks! I had to place my pad under one arm to think about it. While doing so, I saw that she was looking at me with a neutral expression. Iggie, for her part, had disappeared sometime during the exchange.

<I’m not sure. What form of proof would you find to be acceptable?> I replied with a smile. She looked up at me without raising her head, and grinned.

<Fair Enough! As magic can provide many wonderfully distracting items. Are you familiar with Magic, Mr. Orbison?>

<No, I’m afraid not. I know of the magic of a baby’s laughter, the magic of a sunny day, and the magic of a lover’s smile. But I doubt that that is the kind of magic you’re referring to.> she frowned thoughtfully.

<No, I am referring to Dark Elemental Magic, Demonic Magic, those kinds of Magic, surely you’ve read of those? You must’ve, if you have indeed read of my desire for a mate?>

<I’ve read of many things, Doctor Spherica. But I have not encountered those kinds of Magic before now.>

<Please, Mr. Orbison, call me Saphirette.>

<I will do so Saphirette, under one condition, that you call me Carl in return.> That made her smile, it was a nice smile. I hoped to see many more of them.

<Very well then, Carl. Tell me about yourself.> So I did. It took a while of texting back and forth, but I got my points across. After a couple of hours, the pads started to drain. After I explained what was going on, she managed to use her Dark Elemental magic to carefully recharge them!

<I apologize for keeping you from your slumber, Saphirette.>

<If things work out Carl, you can be guaranteed to not get a decent night’s rest for a while either.> she shot back grinning wolfishly behind a hand. I gulped audibly, she tittered and blushed. It was like the sound of bells tinkling.

<So why me Carl, why out of all of the other Monster Girls available on your…internet? Why me?>

<Because you’re a patriot.> She looked up from her pad, both surprised and quizzical.

<A Patriot is willing to die in service to their country. When you learned what Demonic Energy could do for Elementals, you immediately went to get yourself corrupted, just so your Elementals would become powerful. And you did this, for the love of your country of Polove. Am I wrong to assume that you did it for that reason?> she looked sadly at me for a second and shook her head. Then she bit her lip.

‘Now we’re heading into serious territory.’ I thought to myself. She didn’t disappoint.

<What do you want Carl? A family? Children? Love?>

“I’m sorry, I can’t type this out Saphirette. I have to put it into words, words from my heart. Is that all right with you?” She looked like she was fighting back tears then. But she nodded.

“I want, what you want.” I began, she looked confused again. “A long time ago, I found my calling. And my calling was something called the Peace Corps. There, I learned of other people’s suffering that was greater than my own. There, I learned how to help other people in ways that I could make a positive difference for them.”

“I read about what you’re doing here, in what I assume is Polove. You’ve chosen to devote yourself to making Polove and other desert countries into wonderful places again. That’s what you want, right?” She nodded.

“Then that’s what I want. If it turns out that I end up having a family with you, then that’s gravy. I mean, I think it’s incredibly unfair that you’ve given up so much for your country, and your fellows couldn’t even be bothered to hold onto at least one guy for you.”

“Let this one man, devote himself to YOU.” I finished, hopefully. I saw then her eyes going all misty on me. Then she set her lips into a thin line. Whatever she had to say, it was about to come soon. She then bent over and commenced typing.

<Carl, I appreciate what you’ve said, I really do. I like your creativity in coming up with a way for us to converse that no one else has.> I started to get a sinking feeling then.

<Carl. I want you to leave. Leave me, and never come back here again. Ever.> I gasped and looked at the type in front of me in shock. What happened? I was so sure that we were hitting it off!

<Leave. Take the door to the left of you and Go. Just GO!> I looked up at her and she had her back to me then. She was pointing with her left arm, to a door that I’d not seen before. I saw her looking at me, over her shoulder sadly.

“Saphirette..” I began, reaching for her. Then stopped. She had turned her head completely away from me. Her arm was quivering then. She was crying silently.

I could feel my own tears start falling then. I sighed audibly and turned to go. I looked over at her one last time, and she didn’t change her stance so much as an inch. I then did as she bade me. I went over to the door, took ahold of the latch, and left, never to darken her doorway again.


At least, that’s what I tried to do.

For when I tried to turn the latch, it wouldn’t budge. So, I tried turning it with my other hand. Still nothing. I bent over and took a closer look at the handle. It seemed normal-ish. I tried rattling the door by the handle, still no progress.

“I think its locked.” I said. Then, she said something out loud to me for the first time.

“That door has no lock. Keep trying.” Her dulcet voice quavered.

I tried again, and again, I can tell you it was getting frustrating. Finally, I placed a foot alongside the door frame, and yanked the handle with all of my might!

For a second, just a second, that door was opened, and then it was pulled back shut! But what I saw on the other side surprised the shit out of me. It was one of her elementals, he/she/it, was holding onto the other door handle firmly. Just for an instant, I could’ve swore it stuck a tongue out at me.

“Uhhhm…One of your elementals is keeping the door shut. Is there another door I could leave by?” I asked, facing the door and wondering what the hell was going on.

I was soon answered. I felt some arms embrace me from behind. Looking down, I could see a woman’s arms, and black slimy-esque tentacles oozing from her wrists. I then felt her head on my shoulder. One of those pointy ears was poking me in the head. I froze.

“You’re not the first to come seeking me, Carl.” She whispered haltingly. I kept quiet.

“I asked them all to walk away. But, you’re the first man to not have a temper tantrum after I did.” I could feel her shaking like a newborn fawn.

“Do you truly wish to stay?” she asked, I nodded.

“I can’t promise that it will be easy.” She whispered, huskily. “But I can promise to make it worth your while.”

“Are you sure you wish to have me Saphirette?” I began. “Because once we cross that bridge, there’s no going back. If you have me stay, I want to stay for forever.” She turned me around and faced me. She looked longingly into my eyes and said two words.

“I accept.”


Well, my transition to Incubus was rather swift then. But it was so fast, I blacked out, pardon the pun. When I came to, I was in her bed. She kept her promise: I didn’t get much sleep that night, or for several nights after. She had a lot of catching up to do after all.

Of course, I was curious as to why I didn’t fade away to my world after a few hours. It turned out that she was powerful enough to keep that from happening.

But I still felt bad about it and told her why. She was most understanding and let me come back to this world. But only after she made sure that she ‘stocked up’ on my Essence to tide her over, until I kept my promise to Larry.

So, if you’re reading this, and you want some of those Magic Matango Mushrooms, send a message to me courtesy of Touch Fluffy Tail. I may have some in stock, I may not. But I will be getting more soon.

When you do get your box, remember what you read here and follow the instructions. You’ll like the results.

I guarantee it.

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8 thoughts on “Magic Matango Mushrooms”


          The power of human imagination and belief can be surprisingly effective, when properly applied.

          One person can (theoretically) create an imaginary entity that can interact with reality. A.K.A.: The Tulpa.

          Now imagine if say, hundreds of humans all believed in the same thing? Perhaps if enough humans believed that they could get access to the Monster Girl Universe, by way of a special breed of Matango mushrooms; then maybe, just maybe it might just happen.

          Faith precedes Miracles.

          I for one, am rather enamored of Shoggoth Girls. But that’s just me.

  1. This was quite… meta. Good idea anyway, it’s something i once toyed with a while ago but dropped once i realized i didn’t know how to properly develop it. Good job.

    1. Thank you.
      Well, now that you’ve had time to ruminate on your idea, perhaps you could take a crack at trying?
      Remember, you can always go back and edit your stories.

      Goddess knows that I do that often enough.

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