The day we’d agreed on was finally here, and I spent all afternoon looking around the dorm for that boxed set. I finally found it, jammed halfway behind my TV for god-knows-what reason, just to find out I was missing the first movie. Goddammit. I tried to tell myself it wouldn’t be that important, but, well…
I feel nervous for some reason. Like, stupidly nervous. It’s not like I haven’t seen her all the time since we’ve met, but the atmosphere feels different now that it’s a date date. I got her some flowers. Does she even like flowers? Wait… Oh, god. Is it going to be traumatising? They’ll grow old and die, like everyone she’s ever known… Would that bother her? I mean, the whole immortal thing is hard to imagine… Should I ditch the flowers?
The more I think about it, the more I start to question everything. Should I have dressed more casual? I loosen my tie a bit. I hope it won’t be too weird? I mean, Liz is usually at least a bit dressed up, but… Agh, will she even still want to do this? I mean, I was going for ‘flirty teasing’ thing with the whole phylactery thing, but what if she’s really mad? It is her soul after all. She didn’t seem too mad, but she’s so hard to read… Dammit, I wish I still had her phylactery so I could know for sure.
I let out a deep sigh and steel myself. Okay, Sam. It’s too late to change anything. Stay calm. Cool. She likes you. You’re the hottest shit on the- what the fuck? That’s uh… Huh. Yeah, that’s Liz alright. Had to look twice to be sure.
She’s gotten a hold of a TV, like she said she would, and she’s laying on a couch she’s dragged over. What threw me off was the boxes. There’s pizza boxes stacked so high I can barely see her in the small enclosure she’s made for herself since I saw her last. She turns her head toward me, looking at me dead-eyed, with a slice of pizza she had been munching on still hanging from her mouth. I see a spark of recognition in her eyes and she stands in a hurried panic, nearly dropping a box she’d been resting on her chest.
“SAM! You’re, um, e-early… Aha…” She delicately sidles forward, trying to cover up what she’d been doing with her body.
“I just figured I’d… Uh, I got these for you!” I hold the flowers out in front of my face in the vain hope that she wouldn’t notice I was trying not to laugh at her.
She looks away, gripping her skirt tightly. “Y-you’re not mocking me, are you, boy? Tulips are a bit on-the-nose, don’t you think?”
Oh, god, she hates them, doesn’t she? The florist said they were ‘in’ right now, whatever that means, and I figured since she was Dutch… I mean, I wasn’t trying to cheap out, but roses are so expensive.
“I hardly even lost any money in that stupid tulip fiasco anyway, so really Sam, come on. I’m not even mad. They’re good flowers, okay? …Prick yourself on stupid roses anyway. So thank you for the best flowers money can… Ahem. They’re beautiful. Thanks.”
I… Did good? Probably?
We sit down together after she scrounges around for a vase, staring at a paused screen of what looks like the first Harry Potter movie.
“OH! Um, are you hungry, Sam? I think I have a pizza or two left somewhere…” She asks, beginning to dig through empty box after empty box.
“Wait, hang on, hang on. Where’d you even get all these?”
“Oh, the same place as before.” She lifts a few of the boxes in her little wall, judging their weight. “I didn’t want to dip into the school funds, so I grabbed some out of my backup stash. It turns out doubloons are worth a little more than they used to be… They wouldn’t let me take any less than three dozen pizzas for it, so, um… I’m not a pig, okay?”
It doesn’t take much longer than a few seconds to tell there’s more than that here. “Uh, I don’t want to tell you your business, but, well… it’s probably horrible for you to have that many pizzas all at once.”
She looks a little upset, frowning at me ever-so-slightly. “Oh, am I going to get fat, boy? I’m dead. I don’t even metabolise food, so this isn’t even be a problem.”
She’s pouting at me openly now, her arms crossed.
“No, I didn’t mean to say you were… S-sorry. I didn’t know.”
Wait, if she doesn’t… “Wait, if you don’t do anything with it after you’ve eaten, what happens to it? I mean, if you don’t eat, per se…”
She looks stunned for a moment, then clears her throat, looking away. “O-oh, come on, Sam. It’s obvious where things you don’t have to excrete go, right? I’m not swelling up like a balloon, so you should really remember this from high school, at least.”
“O-oh, right… Aha… Why didn’t I think of that?” I have no idea what she’s talking about, but I might as well not push my luck.
She kisses me on the cheek. “Good boy. Now, would you mind lending me your telephone? I’d like to look something up before we start the main event, as it were.”
“You know how to use it?” I’m… kind of surprised she knows what the internet is, considering she didn’t quite even remember what the TV was called that one time.
“Er, I know you can ask that ‘Google’ thing your questions, right?”
I unlock my phone and pass it to her. She stares at it a moment before blushing slightly and handing it back to me with averted eyes. “C-could you… get me there?”
Oh jesus, that’s cute. I try not to smile too much when I take my phone back. “Sure, what were you trying to look up?”
“Just… something about… the Harry Potter thing. I push the buttons with the letters on them to set the type, right?”
She jumps at the haptic feedback the first few times, but she picks it up pretty quickly, tapping away at the screen. She frowns in concentration a few times, but moves away from me when I ask if she wants help. After a while, she gives up, handing the phone back to me.
“It… it doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s just get the film started.”
She picks up the remote, and while she fiddles with the controls, I take a peek my history, just to see what she was looking for, and struggle desperately not to laugh as I read through her searches.
I was talking with Sam, (who I’m on a date with right now, by the way,) and it just kind of came up that he didn’t know how undead digestion works, and since I wasn’t quite certain myself, I was hoping you could tell me.
All the best, Elisabeth D. De Vries.
I’m not sure what you mean by ‘no results?’ Please get back to me as soon as you can.
I’m starting to get impatient with this ‘no results’ nonsense. Just answer the question.
Google, you wretched miser,
Perhaps you’re a bit slow in the head, so I’ll put this in the simplest possible terms. WHERE DOES MY POOP GO?
Between that last search and the next, it looks like she got a result and clicked on… Yep. That sure is some scat porn.
GOOGLE I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU is the last search on the history. Looking over at her again, she’s definitely upset.
I decide to try and distract her from it to try to get the date back on track.“So, uh, where’d you get the first movie from?”
She brightens noticeably at the mention of the movie. “Oh, I was getting excited for the film and our, um… date, so I sent Matilda out to get the first one from you. She didn’t do anything strange, did she?”
“Uh, never even knew she’d come. The case was in a weird spot, I guess.”
“Er, sorry. I told her not to attract attention, and well… They do get the wrong idea into their heads sometimes. I trust your roommate didn’t spot her, though? That would be… inconvenient, to say the least. Oh! I only watched it a couple times, though, so let’s start from the beginning, okay?”
I can’t help but smile at how excited she looks. Her eyes are practically sparkling.
“W-what? Is something on my face?”
“Huh? No, no, you just look really excited. Have you liked it so far?”
She nods vigorously, then pauses. “Wait, look?”
“Ah, it’s just weird to see you smiling, still. Not in a bad way, though.”
It’s pretty easy to see the blush spread over her pale face before she covers it in embarrassment. “Y-you’re not supposed to be able to see that, still! I probably looked stupid!”
“Nah, it’s pretty cute. I like it.”
“S-shut up… I’m big, mean, scary undead. Now put the film on before I do something evil, like… turn you into a toad or something…”
I snigger, but reach over and hit ‘play’ on the remote. For the next two and some hours, Liz gets progressively closer to me, leaning into me, pointing out her favourite scenes and generally praising very possible thing she could, from the sets to the costumes. She even squeals a little at the part with the troll, even though she said she’d already watched it a few times.
The credits finally roll and she looks up at me from her place wrapped around my arm. “Isn’t it just great?! What house do you think you’d get put in? Aah, what’s going to happen when he gets sent back to live with those nasty muggles?”
I hadn’t wanted to get up, before, but seeing how enthused she is about this, I grin and hold up the next DVD. “Should we find out?”
I didn’t think it would be possible for Liz to get any more excited, but we’re halfway through the second movie and she’s sitting in my lap, nearly vibrating in delight. Her cheer at the boys being saved from the spiders is interrupted by Matilda dashing into the library and gesticulating wildly toward the hall behind her.
“Ugh, why now? Oh, no… Uh… Boy, cover up the film-screen-whatsit with something, I’ll be back.”
The lich dashes off before I can get a word in edgewise, heading deeper into the library. Is someone coming? I don’t think she’d be this cautious with Dr. Grey… I toss a blanket over the TV and shuffle some of the pizza-box mess out of the way before Liz comes back, levitating a large stone cross in front of her while she carries a crate under her arm.
“Oh, good. Where are they…” She rifles through an assortment of random skulls, candles and assorted… are those halloween decorations? “Here it is! Alright, Sam, put these on and look distressed.”
I barely manage to step out of the way of a pair of iron shackles landing on my feet, and picking them up… wow. Those are heavy as all hell. “…Wait, Liz, why do I have to wear these? Can’t I just-”
“JUST DO AS YOUR MISTRESS TE- Ahem. I mean… Samuel, my dear, please do it for me? It’s important to set the scene before our guest arrives.”
“O-okay, but you’ll let me out afterwards, right? They uh… don’t seem particularly comfortable.”
She gives me a grin that looks halfway between wolfish and genuine. “Well of course, Sam. I’ll let you out as soon as we’re done. We do still have a date to get on with, remember?”
I’m sat down and the long, dangling chain is lazily looped around one of the couch’s legs. “There, you big baby. If you can stand up, you can get out. Now-”
The doors fly open, and a shout comes from the near-blinding brightness of the hall. “AHAAA! I’VE GOT YOU CORNERED NOW, YOU UNHOLY ABOMINATION!”
“Well, well. If it isn’t the noble witch-hunter, come to destroy all the evil in the world. Again. While I’m busy.” The various knickknacks around Liz begin to float menacingly, the cross hovering just behind her head like some kind of halo.
The silhouetted man steps into the library, covered in some kind of protective equipment. “Wait, Sam?”
It’s… Caden? He spent all of yesterday sleeping off a hangover, and I’m pretty sure he was napping again when I left. I peer at him a little more, taking in the details I hadn’t been able to see before. He’s wearing a strainer on his head as some kind of makeshift helmet, and brandishing a sharpened wooden- What the fuck?! Those are mine, I just bought new kitchenware after the last ones went missing!
“How dare you kidnap my roommate, you monster! Sam! Wear this! She won’t be able to touch you if you do!” Taking off a garland of garlic bulbs from around his neck, Caden tosses them in my direction, though they fall pitifully short of me.
“Look, boy, I must have told you at least a dozen times, I’m a LICH. I’m not a vampire. Or a zombie, ghost or witch, regardless of if they rhyme or not. Why are you even bothering me? You said you’re a witch hunter!”
“I won’t believe your lies! It’s my job to root out evil and destroy it, no matter what it calls itself!”
“That’s not… Fine. Whatever. Ooooh, boy, I sure am weak to a specific species of the onion family. I’m so glad those garlic breadsticks I had earlier were actually just delicious human fingers, because I’m so evil.” The lich sarcastically rolls her eyes.
“HA! I knew I’d drag the truth from you! Unluckily for you, the garlic doesn’t even matter! I’ve brought my greatest weapon yet! Behold your doom!” He digs around in his pockets for an awkwardly long amount of time before gingerly pulling out what looks like a baby’s mobile, made out of rocks. “A specially-designed portable reiki crystal suspended grid! A wise sage told me this was sure to destroy any evil spirit!”
Crystal grid… I’ve heard that somewhere… Is this really going to be-? Wait, no, sorry, I remember where from. I signed for that package, and I’m pretty sure it was from Amazon, not some magical sage.
“Ah, truly a powerful weapon you have there, indeed, witch-hunter.” Liz purses her lips, trying not to laugh. The sound of a dramatic-sounding organ concerto fills the room, and I notice Liz’s hands are glowing faintly as she pokes at an imaginary keyboard in front of her. “But do you think you can -pff- Handel me?”
“W-what kind of spell are you casting!? Let Sam go, you witch!”
“LICH. And I’m afraid it’s too late for him, I’ve already taken his lips and his heart.”
“What are you talking about!? And what’s that torture device under the blanket? Did you use that to do it?”
Liz blushes and gets a little flustered. “I -um- don’t touch that! It’ll kill you instantly if you take of the blanket! It’s not a tele-… tele-… moving picture box, it actually steals your soul! I-I wouldn’t even have a use for such a machine! T-they’re for children! And so are stories about magic that isn’t evil and… um… spooky!”
“You villain! I’ll have to end you now to save Sam!”
The lich rises higher into the air menacingly, floating gently toward Caden, followed by the crucifix and skulls, their jaws now snapping open and shut. “’OH, TRY ME, WITCH-HUNTE-‘”
She’s interrupted when she floats herself headfirst into a chandelier, letting out an uncharacteristically cute squeak of surprise. When I snort in amusement, she balls her hands into fists and glares at me, pouting. “S-shut up.”
She raises her hand and Caden is flung from the room, landing on his back in the hall. I cringe as my strainer is dented on the wall behind him before the doors slam shut, glowing an eerie purple. I hear a few bangs as he tries to get back in, but they slow down and eventually stop. “DON’T WORRY, SAM, I’LL SAVE YOU! STAY STRONG, I’LL BE BACK SOON! TWO DAYS, TOPS!”
Liz sits down on the couch, giggling. “Just two days, boy! At most! Oh, what a splendid roommate you have.”
I can’t help but sigh. “At least I’m not in any real trouble, I guess. Though I’m honestly more mad about him ruining my kitchenware… So, he’s been here before?”
“Not in trouble? Boy, you’re in the grip of a vampire-zombie-witch-whatever that’s only weak to garlic and hocus-pocus rocks! Yes. Our dear paladin of justice been coming now and then to ‘defeat me’ for a few weeks now. Can’t get why out of him for the life of me, though.”
“…Huh. But, uh, anyway, would you let me out of these things now?” I ask, gesturing in the direction of the chain attaching my wrists to the couch.
“Well, I did say I would, didn’t I Sam?”
“Ahaha… right. I mean, I was just starting to feel a little claustrophob-oof.” I’m cut off by more than a hundred pounds of lich belly-flopping onto my chest.
She crawls a little further up, bringing her nose so close to mine that they’re nearly touching. “I certainly said I’d let you out, didn’t I? But I said when we’re done.” She gives me a smug grin and stares right into my eyes.
“We’ve still got a lovely date to finish off, my dear boy. And besides…” She grabs my tie and pulls my ear to her mouth. “I seem to recall someone taking advantage of me in a situation where I couldn’t fight back. It’s only fair, don’t you think?”
Oh god. She is mad about the phylactery thing, isn’t she? “Uh, I didn’t really mean it… I wasn’t trying to-”
“Oh? I think it’s a bit late for apologies, don’t you think, Sam? Don’t worry, if you die, I can just bring you back and keep going.”
Oh fuck. No. I-I’m too young to die! I-I mean, she wouldn’t hurt me, right? R-right? But what if she… I mean, she doesn’t seem to know what human limits are any more, so what if she thinks I’m fine and-
“You look scared, Sam. Weeeell, maybe you should be… I’m going to do things to you that would make that whore Catherine blush.”
“…What? Who’s Catherine?”
She sits up a little and frowns. “Catherine the Second! You know, bit of a harlot? Sleeps with anyone she can get her hands on? Throws water on servants in the winter to make ice sculptures?”
Catherine… Catherine? I… may have gotten a ‘D’ in history last semester. It’s got to be a queen or something, right? Wait… has there been a Pope who was a woman?
“Oh, don’t give me that look! This was practically recent! Come on, who’s the Tsar now? That was probably only his great-grandmother!”
The… ooooh. Right, Catherine the Great. …Right? “Uh, there isn’t one any more. They, uh, had a revolution a while ago.”
She grins. “Well, looks like the worst royal family outside those damned Spaniards finally got what was coming for it. Good.”
There’s an awkward silence when she finishes speaking. I… thought she was going to rape me or something? I clear my throat to try and get her attention, but she looks away, blushing a little bit.
I try again. “Uh, I’m not looking forward to the whole ‘just desserts’ thing, but are you going to…?”
“S-shut up! I’m thinking, alright? Don’t think for a second that you aren’t going to get what’s coming to you!” She puts her head down on my chest, and doesn’t say anything for another tense minute. “Um, you smell nice, aha…”
“T-thanks? Are you…?”
“NO! I’m not stalling. You just haven’t properly, um… stewed in your fear yet. I’m just… going to put the film back on while I wait.”
The remote floats to her hand, and after some fiddling, she manages to get the movie going again. I suppose this isn’t too bad, all things said. She’s a little cold, but at least I’m not sweaty.
I see Liz stealing glances at me from time to time, it seemed as if she was fighting with herself about something. Was she… not sure how to do this? I can’t imagine she’s ever been in this situation before.
Burying her face into my neck, Liz gives me a playful nibble and looks up with sparkling eyes.
“Liz? What’re-” She lays a finger over my lips.
“Shhh, Sam. Just keep watching the screen.”
Her hands start wandering over my body, tugging at my clothes here and there. I squirm a little, but can’t get far between the manacles and the girl laying on top of me. She looks amused, then crawls a little further up to look me in the eyes. She leans down for a kiss, silencing me before I can say anything.
Her tongue isn’t warm, but… It feels different. It just feels like she’s… close. She breaks away and looks at me, concerned.
“T-that wasn’t bad, was it? You were giving me a weird look, and…”
“No, No, it wasn’t bad, but… uh…”
She leaned in. “Uh huh?”
“It’s just that… you’re the founder of the school, and, like, just a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know you existed. I didn’t even know Liches existed. Now here I am, watching Harry Potter with one, and she tied me up, a-and… I mean, I don’t think I hate it, but…”
“Are you calling me old?”
“No! I mean, I didn’t know people could get that… It doesn’t bother me, if that’s what you’re asking, it’s just that this a a little new to me, and-”
“I’ll show you who’s old.” Liz pouts, grabbing my belt and fumbling with the buckle for an awkward minute or two before slowing down, realizing that she might need help.
“Um… c-could you… I mean… g-give me a hand?”
“Oh, I’d love to. I think they’re up over my head somewhere. Can’t move them for some reason, so you might have to get them yourself.”
Liz pouted again, then pressed her fingers against my belt, muttering an incantation before my belt burst into ashes.
“WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! W-what the hell Liz!? That belt was expensive!”
“Are you saying sex with me isn’t worth a belt?”
“I didn’t-” …There’s no safe argument I can make, is there? I sigh and give up.
Liz smirks, then returns to my waist, slowly working my pants off. I notice that her touch seemed a little warmer this time, but maybe that’s just my body adjusting? Once my pants were down to my ankles, Liz sat up on her knees, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
“I-I’m sorry if I’m a little rusty, it has been a… a while… since I’ve done this.”
“A while? H-hope you’re not dusty too… aha…”
“You make a joke like that again, and I’ll make sure you collect dust for the rest of your life.”
“A-anyway, j-just… keep still, I’m trying to remember how to…” Liz reaches down to her chest and starts to unbutton her top, working down until she peeled her vest off. Once she has it all the way off, she folds it up neatly, setting it off to the side.
I raised my eyebrows, prompting her to squint her eyes at me. “Oh, don’t you judge me. I won’t have my clothes getting all wrinkly.” She resumes taking her white shirt off, doing the same meticulous process of folding it up and putting it away as before.
“I’m just saying. At the rate you’re going, I’ll start collecting dust before you finish, aha… ha…” I’m trying to act tough, but there’s something beautiful about her bare midriff, the way her skin was flawless, yet so pale and delicate with her skin glistening by the light of the TV, like a porcelain doll.
“Oh hush, I’ll get to you when I get to you.”
Next was her skirt, which she actually tried to tease me with, hiking it up to expose her ankles. Then she took off… well, I usually disagree with British people about calling them ‘pants,’ but in this case, I guess I can see why. Finally, she unhooked her bra and put it gently on top of the rest of her clothes.
“Alright, now for the rest of your clothes.” Liz reaches down, slipping my tie out from under my collar and starting to unbutton my shirt with her teeth. I felt my erection starting to expand from anticipation. She was doing a good job for not having sex in… a while.
“W-wow, Liz, you’re… uh, p-pretty good at this.”
Elisabeth blushes, pulling away from my shirt. “Oh, stop, you’re embarrassing me…” She peels my shirt off and gets to work on my pants. This time, there aren’t any complications and she quickly has them on the floor beside me. Now all that’s left is my boxers, which she yanks off with an impatient tug.
“Finally. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this.” Liz croons, gingerly wrapping her hand around my member and resting it against her stomach while occasionally squeezing it.
I shudder, her skin felt pleasantly cool in contrast to the heat coming off my dick. She smirks when she notices it throb to her gentle squeezes, and moves her hand up and down, giving me a slow, deliberate handjob. Her eyes never left mine, and I couldn’t bring myself to look away from them. It’s as if I’m me under a spell, and come to think of it, I wouldn’t even mind if I was at this point.
“You’re throbbing, Sam. Is it really that arousing to have a corpse giving you a handjob?” Elisabeth teases, using her thumb to trace circles around my tip.
“O-oh, you wanna call m-me a necrophile, huh? W-well you’re one to talk, you’re the 500 year old cradle-robber who’s having sex with a student!” I shoot back, not to be feeling a little defensive.
Elisabeth feigns offense by holding her hand up to her mouth in shock. “Why, the nerve! At least you’re legal, you know. That’s more than I can say for having sex with me~”
“Well, uh… n-necrophilia is about a corpse not being able to give consent, anyway! I’m certain they didn’t say anything about being assaulted by the deceased.”
Elisabeth snickers. “Oh? So you actually did research about the legality of necrophilia then? Did you have this planned for a while, Sam~?”
“I-I… just got a little curious about you, is all…”
“Oh, you’re adorable, Sam.” Liz leaned in and gave me a kiss, then lifted her hips. My heart started to race. This is it. I’m about to enter the founder of our school. No, I’m going to have sex with Liz, just Liz. She might be a lot of things, but right now, she’s just a lich… a girl who I really like. With everything finally coming to a head, and I can’t help shudder in anticipation.
Using her magic to align me with her entrance, she exhales while she drops herself down on my cock. She feels… lukewarm? It’s actually kind of nice. She’s not burning hot, but just a comfortable kind of temperature. Liz sighs and starts gyrating her hips in a circle. I notice that her insides aren’t throbbing without a heartbeat, but she’s more than making up for it with her movements. There’s something… intimate about the way she’s grinding on top of me with a lecherous grin. Until a few days ago, I wouldn’t have even been able to see that expression, but now I’m actually glad I can. I think a smile suits her.
With both of her hands on either side of my head, Liz lifts her hips back up and then slams back down, managing to elicit a moan from me this time.
“Oooh~? I must feel amazing if you’re reacting this way after only a few pumps.” Liz teases, starting to build up steam, slamming her hips on top of me faster.
“Y-you know, I’d probably enjoy this more if I wasn’t… h-handcuffed to the couch!” I stammer, finding it hard to keep my train of thought straight with her relentless assault.
Liz has smirk plastered on her face when she looks down at me. “Mmmm… I don’t think so. You look like you’re having plenty of fun.” With that, she started to grind herself against me again, her slippery labia rubbing directly against my lap. “Why don’t you just give up and cum already? I won’t mind, since you’ll be doing me a favor… showing me how it feels to be a woman again.”
Fuck, she had me. She only grinds against me for a few more seconds before I finally can’t take it anymore, releasing my load inside her. She hums happily, holding me close to her while I fill her up. I struggle to catch my breath for a few seconds, but as soon as I have, she gives me an appreciative kiss.
“Thanks, Sam. I… needed that. …N-now, shall we get back to the film?”
I have to wait for the world to stop spinning before I can stammer out a response. “A-aren’t you going to let me go?”
“Mmmm… maybe after this part.” Liz smirks, keeping herself impaled on me. “I don’t think I’m done enjoying this.”