Every Maid Gets Her Day

(A collaboration with Jexx and October)


The man adjusted his tie and looked at me. “Well… here it is, Mr. Novak.”

I could still hardly believe it. When some random lawyer had called me out of nowhere in the middle of the day to tell me I’d inherited a fortune and a house with staff from some distant 5-times-removed half-uncle or something, I’d actually hung up on him a couple times assuming the Nigerian prince scam had gotten even more low-effort.

After I’d finally listened, it had been about a week of looking at documents, submitting proofs of identity and so on before that day, but there it was. I guess the house wasn’t that big for a mansion, but it was so much different than the cramped apartment I’d been living in 3 hours away that I could hardly believe it.

“Quite something, isn’t it? …Shall we go in and meet the housekeeper? I called ahead, so she should be waiting for us.”

I suddenly realised how long I’d been staring at the house. “O-oh! Uh, yeah, let’s.” 

The lawyer unlocked the door and we stepped in. Before I’d even had time to close the door behind us, I was face-to-face with an elf girl a little taller than me.

“Welcome home, sir.”

The lawyer had said ‘housekeeper’ at least half a dozen times, so I hadn’t really been expecting much, but, uh… That sure was a maid uniform. I couldn’t see much of her body, but between how she was built and the bit of thigh I could see between the end of her skirt and the tops of her stockings, I could tell she was a hell of a lot stronger than I’d probably ever be. It was, uh… well, I mean can you really even call yourself a man if you haven’t thought about cute maids at least once?

I glanced up, noticing her squinting at me. At least with her one visible eye, anyway. An eyepatch covered her other eye, as well as a good portion of the scar running down it. Her gaze was… intense as she looked me up and down silently.

“U-um…” 

She didn’t answer and circled around wordlessly. I started sweating a little in worry. What was she looking for? I hadn’t really expected someone this… intimidating.

As soon as she’d finished looking me over, she grimaced and adjusted my clothes, straightening my tie and smoothing out my jacket. 

This is the guy? He’s kinda… skinnier than I’d imagined.” She said, turning to the lawyer handling the inheritance case.

He nodded, so I decided to introduce myself before this got any weirder and she noticed my staring at her legs or something. I braced myself, then held out my hand and spoke up. “Uh… hey, I’m Pat-”

The elf stood up ramrod straight and almost stared right through me, completely ignoring my hand. “Warrant- ah, fuck. Your maid, Z. Greene, Master. I was with Colonel Novak for 12 years before he retired, and he hired me on after an IED put my depth perception out of action, sir.”

Oh no. She probably hates me if she was that close to him. “Um… nice to meet you, Miss Greene. I, uh… I’m Patrick, but you can call me Pat if you-”

“Alright, Master. You want me to get you boys some coffees?”

“Uh… is there tea?” As soon as I said that, she gave me a look like I was joking.

“Yeah, we’ve probably got some…” She paused and grimaced a little bit. “…Cream? Sugar?”

I cringed a little. She definitely thought I was stupid, but I couldn’t just back out now. “…Y-yes, please.” 

“Alright…princess.

“W-what?”

She turned on her heel and walked deeper into the house. “On it, Master. What’s-his-nuts probably wants to give you a house tour, so I’ll have drinks waiting for you in the kitchen when you’re done.”


The house was outfitted with the most high-tech office I’d ever seen, a frankly ridiculous gym, and an honest-to-god armoury. I’d never even held a gun before, so I was kind of worried to even set foot in there. I swear there was stuff in there that I didn’t even know private citizens could own.

When we got down to the dining room, Miss Greene was waiting for us, two cups in hand. 

“Well, Mr. Novak, I’m sure you have plenty to speak with your new housekeeper about, so I won’t bother you. I’ll just leave you with a few documents for you to look over, and I’ll start e-mailing the rest as they come up…” He’d said a few, but the lawyer essentially dumped the entirety of his briefcase onto the table before leaving.

The maid clicked her tongue as soon as he was out of sight. “Coulda fuckin’ told me not to make something if he was gonna leave… Ah well. Say, you a hardass about what I do on the job?”

“Uh… well, you’d know more about this than I would…”

“Fuckin’ a. Lemme go introduce this coffee to Sgt. Jameson and I’ll be right back.”

“…huh?”

“It’s for the pain, promise. Veterans’ benefits doesn’t pay shit.” She came back with a bottle of whiskey and poured some into her cup of coffee before taking a sip. “So… ya figure he’s tryin’ to gyp you?”

“…The lawyer?”

“Yeah. Bet I could take him out back if you’re havin’ problems.” I jumped a little bit when she slammed the whiskey on to the kitchen table. 

“I… please don’t?”

She laughed loudly and hit me on the back a little harder than she probably needed to. “Alright, those ratfuckers in law always put me on edge. I tell ya, fail one fuckin’ psych eval and they’ll try and take everything you ever had. So, what do you do, Master?”

Oh fuck. “I… uh… c-corporate law.

“Huh? Look, the pointy ears are mostly for show. Speak up, will ya?”

“I… I kind of do corporate law for one of the big logistics companies…” God. Oh god. She probably knew already and that was just a veiled threat.

“…Oh. Uh… So, did you know the colonel before he kicked it?”

I hung my head. What was I even doing here? This whole thing was starting to seem less like a stroke of luck and more like a nightmare. “Uh… I don’t really think anyone did. My family is kind of… well, nobody really talks to each other, and…”

“Ha! Hardly blame you for not knowing the old bastard. You could convince me that he hadn’t been home since we were fighting Germans. Damn good soldier, though.”

“So were you close with him?”

“…If you’re asking if we were fucking, I’m pretty sure he stopped being able to get it up before I was even born.” She chuckled. “But yeah… I guess he was kind of a good luck charm for the whole unit. 12 years of fighting and I’d hardly even gotten scraped up that badly, then one year without him and I lose an eye. I was still in the hospital civ-side when he said I could come work for him if I wanted.”

I struggled to figure out what to say. “I’m really sorry to hear that…”

“Listen to this guy apologising because his family is dying. Look, Master, you alright with putting on your big boy pants for a while? I’m gonna get back to work, but take a look at this when you get a minute.”

I groaned when she dropped another stack of papers on the already mountainous pile, this time labelled ‘INITIAL SITUATIONAL REPORT- #4 BROCK ST.’

“Yeah, yeah, keep bitching. There’s important stuff in there, so just power through it.”


After that day, it was actually about another two weeks before I got everything in order and actually had my things moved. Fortunately, the kind of work I did with the company didn’t really matter on location too much, so my transfer request went through pretty smoothly. I hadn’t exactly had any good friends or anything at the old office, but I was a little worried about needing to move in when everyone was already established, and… 

Maybe I was just worrying too much. It probably wasn’t going to be as bad as dealing with my new accommodations. Miss Greene had been sending me reports on the state of the house every Friday at exactly 8 PM. I’d… kind of meant to read them and that big report thing she’d sent me, but… I’d been trying to work on all the other paperwork, and then a couple nights I ended up getting so sick of it I’d just start watching shows or reading comics until I collapsed from exhaustion. She’d called me about a few little things that had apparently been in them and she’d kind of sounded mad.

I was heading in to my first day at the office at around 11 today, so I planned on organising the stuff that the movers had already dropped off for a bit before I went to work. 

I parked by the door to the house and grabbed my bag. I was still kind of intimidated by having to meet the woman again, so I braced myself a moment before I got out of my car and walked headfirst into something. I made an embarrassingly girlish noise when I noticed it was the elf I’d been worrying about.

She sniggered at me but said nothing.

“M-morning…”

“Was just startin’ to wonder if someone took you out for the inheritance or something. You read that report I sent you the other day?”

“Uh…” 

She clicked her tongue and snatched the bag out of my hand. “Give that here. Anyway, movers came yesterday so I put your shit away for you.”

“WHAT?!” Oh no. Oh god. There were… some things I didn’t want anyone to see, least of all my new maid. “I mean… y-you didn’t have to do that, I could have just-”

Don’t seem weird. Don’t seem weird. Don’t seem weird. She probably didn’t even look in the anime box. God. I hope she didn’t, there were some… unfortunate things in there. Not just the figures and stuff, but… I used to draw in high school and I never really threw away my old drawings…

“You’ve got a maid now. Live with it, Novak- I mean, Master.” She started walking towards the house and turned back to look at me. “You got any preferences for breakfast?”

Oh thank god. She’d changed the subject. 

“I can just make m-”

“Can it. Look, I get you were a civ until the start of the month, but listen up. I’ve got a job, so let me do it. You fuckin’ around trying to help me is just going to make more work.”

After a few minutes of waiting, she sat me down with some toast and bacon at the head of the dining room table and dutifully stood behind me, out of sight.

“Uh… Miss Greene?”

“Need something else, Master?”

“I kinda… it feels weird to have you just stand back there.”

“…I already ate, but I can sit down if that’s what you’re asking.”

The only thing worse than having a maid give me judging stares was having her do it where I couldn’t see her. “If it isn’t too much trouble…”

The sound of her pulling up a chair was almost deafening with how quiet the rest of the house was. “Better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Maybe I was wrong about it being less weird. Now she was just staring at me without breaking eye contact and I was starting to feel a little nervous. 

“So…” She started. 

“…So?”

“I don’t wanna bust your balls, but you oughta read those reports. Colonel had some pretty big shit goin’ on, but I guess you got a taste of that if Mr. Tall, Dark and Jewish showed ya the armoury.”

“I… d-do we really even need that?” 

“Oh, god. Don’t tell me you’re one of those pussies who got your shoulder bruised from recoil once as a kid and now you’re scared of guns.”

“No… it’s just, uh… I haven’t really, that is… I know you were in the army and stuff and so was my uncle, but…Ihaven’treallyshotagunbefore.

She laughed for a second but stopped abruptly when she noticed I wasn’t laughing with her. “…You’re serious?”

I shrunk down in my chair a little bit, feeling stupid. “I-”

“You know what, never mind, I don’t wanna hear it. We’re gonna unfuck ya this week. Like hell I’m lettin’ a Novak go without training in this house.”

“Alright…” I said with some trepidation. Desperate for a distraction, I grabbed a jar of jam off the table for my toast.

“So… you’re a raspberry kind of guy?”

“I-I guess, yeah…”

“Jesus, I’m not askin’ hard questions here. Why do you sound like you’re scared of jam?”

Oh. Why was it so hard to talk around her? She probably thought I was being a huge pussy. “I guess I’m just… ugh… not used to you yet.”

I grunted a little bit as I tried to open the jam, completely failing to move it at all. Am I a pussy? I mean, I’ve always been pretty skinny and I’m not really tall or anything, but… 

She snorted a little and held out her hand. “Guess we should hit the gym, too. Give it here and mommy can open it for you.”

I felt a little emasculated having to get a girl to open a jar for me, but handed it over after she looked at me like I was retarded when I tried and failed again.

As I ate, she eventually got fed up with just staring at me and started reading the reports to me out loud. She… kind of used a lot of vocabulary I didn’t understand, so the only thing I got out of it was that her full name was Zoe Greene and that she’d been in the army for 14 years before she had to retire when she lost her eye. 

I didn’t think I’d ever call her Zoe to her face, but… I kind of thought it was a nice name. I had just about finished eating when she stopped what she was reading abruptly. “You should start getting ready to go now. Drive to work is 12 minutes once you’ve got your boots on the ground.”

“Oh, uh… thanks. I think I’ll be back around 5:30 then?”

“Got it. …Hold on, are you actually gonna go to work like that?”

“Well… yeah?”

“…No offense boss, but you look like shit. I can tell you slept in that.”

“Well… I don’t really know where anything else is, so it’ll have to-”

The maid grabbed my arm and dragged me back towards her as I tried to leave. “I prepped you some new ones, dumbass. You’re taking those clothes off.”

“But-”

Off.” She squeezed my arm a little tighter, and with the way she was glaring down at me, she seemed even taller and more intimidating than usual.

Oh no. She was probably trying to humiliate me. My hands started trembling a little when I thought about what she might do. Pictures? Blackmail? I brought my hands up to my collar and started to shakily undo my shirt.  She could probably easily overpower me and just take what she wanted, couldn’t she? M-maybe if I just did what she said she wouldn’t hurt me…  

What if she said I had to go to work naked or something, though? I don’t think I could take everyone staring at-

“Jesus christ. Not here, retard. Go get changed in your room, your suit is sitting out on the bed.”

“O-oh!” Shit. I probably looked like I was a pervert and stupid, now.

“And grow some balls, will ya? You’re gonna have to start calling me Master if you keep up this ‘o-o-o-okay’ bullshit.”

“…sorry.”

“And don’t fuckin’ apologise. You’re starting to remind me of this one girl I knew that just begged for me to tie her up and just do the wackiest shit to her so she felt like she was owned. …Don’t look at me like that, I ain’t gay. It was just… you ever been on a 12-month deployment because your boss won’t go home? Does weird shit to you. I was just being open-minded.”

“I wasn’t judging you or anyt-”

“I like dick, okay? She was doing stuff for me not the other way around, so it’s not like I was muff diving or something. …Pretty damn funny how pissed the boys were that I was cutting into their pool, though. What was I saying? Dicks.”


After Zoe had fussed over my clothes for a while, I headed into work. As it turned out, I was told to show up at 11 so I could get a tour before I went to lunch with the team. I… was still kind of distracted thinking about having my dark past dug into, so I didn’t really get much out of it. 

My new department chief, an excitable kikimora, wagged her tail in excitement as soon as we’d gotten to our seats at the restaurant. “So, Patrick- can I call you Patrick?- what do you think of our offices here?” 

“Um… you can call me Pat if you want. They’re good, I just need to get used to the change of scenery, I think…”

“So why the big move? I hear it came pretty suddenly.”

I was paralysed for a second, not sure how to answer. I’ve heard about people getting taken advantage of if they admit they’ve come into money. Besides that, it was kind of embarrassing to admit that I was living with a maid and stuff, especially after the way I used to live.

“I… I guess I just needed a change of scenery, Mrs. Fedorova…” I tried to make it more believable by laughing, but all that came out was an unconvincing “Aha…”

She frowned at me. “I won’t press you, but you have to call me Danica from now on.”

“O-okay, Danica.”

“There’s a good boy. So, there’s only a few people in our department, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to pick up. Our regular attorneys aren’t here, but this handsome boy here is my husband Lazlo.” she said, stroking the face of the bearded man beside her. “Oh! I forgot to mention who you’ll be working with! She’s right there across from you.”

She gestured toward an absolute tank of an oni, who had somehow still managed to squeeze herself into a business suit. 

“Hey. I’m Izzy Banno.” She held out a hand and I shook it gingerly. 

I adjusted my glasses a little and tried to at least say something so I didn’t seem weird. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Ha! Chatty bastard you picked up, Danica. Don’t worry, I’ll talk your ear off whether you respond or not, Pat.”

After our group got back to the office, everyone really only stayed a little longer, and it felt like the office was basically dead by 3:30. I knew I was going to have to go back home at some point, but… I made my excuses and ended up being the last person at the office. 

Danica had given me a pretty minor job that was due in about a week, so I figured I might as well start on that if I was going to just sit at work dreading whether or not Zoe had seen some of the worse stuff. I was suddenly acutely aware of every manga, show and figure that was a maid or an elf, and that was to say nothing of-

No. Nope. Not thinking about it. Work. Working. Legal stuff now. Wow, look at all this stuff that isn’t naked anatomy studies and stuff I did like 10 years ago. 

I looked at the job I was given. It wouldn’t be hard, but… I’d never been a prodigy at law or anything, so I’d always needed to make it on hard work alone. The sooner I got the first couple drafts done, the sooner I could get something that looked half-decent to give to a proofreader so I wasn’t just wasting their time.


I… ended up staying a lot later than I meant to. As it turned out, I’d actually needed a thing from my partner Izzy before I could do a section of my little project, so I ended up working on that and… I dragged myself through the front door of my new house at around 8:30 to find an annoyed-looking elven maid waiting for me. 

“Fuck were you?”

“Uh… I had to get some stuff done, and then I had to get someone else’s stuff done so I could do it, and then-”

“You look like shit and it was your first day. At least fuckin’ call me if you’re gonna pull this shit.”

I hung my head a little, feeling beaten-down. “I… I don’t have your-”

“Arms at your sides.”

“W-what?”

“Do it.” I slowly lowered my hands and the elf sighed and took my jacket off for me. “I don’t think I even need to tell you that there was contact info in the reports. Gimme your phone.”

I sheepishly dug my phone out of my pocket and handed it over, then she tapped at the screen for a few moments before handing it back to me.

“Sorry to make you worry and stuff… Uh, I think I’m going to get back to work on the inheritance paperwork upstairs…” I really did need to get back to work, especially considering how much the lawyer had given me, but I mostly just needed to find out about my stuff before I could relax.

“Hold it. Have you eaten?”

“Do we have hot pockets or something? I’ll just microwave a-”

Master.” She gave me a fake-looking smile and grabbed me by the arm, twisting it a little. “Do you remember our little chat about my job?”

I gulped. “Y-yes, Miss Greene…”

She paused a moment before she grinned. “…Good boy. Now, what are you eating for dinner?”

“…Maybe we could order pizza or something?”

“I’m a maid, not your roommate. Go sit on the couch and I’ll figure out something good for you. If we’re going to get you exercising, you’re not going to be eating like shit any more.”

“Could I just-”

“Relax, and that’s a goddamn order. You managed to work nine and a half hours on your first day and you looked like shit before you even went. It’s my job to make sure you take care of yourself, so I’ll handcuff you to that goddamn couch if I have to.”

I shuddered a little. She kind of looked serious about the whole, uh… handcuffs thing. “O-okay…”

“Aww, not going to call me ‘Miss Greene’ any more? I thought it was kind of cute…” 

“Uh…” My face heated up. I hadn’t meant to say it like that, it just kind of… slipped out.

“Oh, look at you blush, Master.” She guided me over to the couch and forced me down. “TV remote’s here, unless you want me to get one of your books or DVDs from upstairs?”

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Okay. Relax. Maybe she just took out some of the other ones. I had other books and DVDs. She didn’t have to have looked at the bad stuff to know about that. 

“D-uh… did you?”

“Did I what? You’re actin’ like your mom just found your porn.”

FUCK. I was getting so nervous I was having trouble forming a coherent thought process. Should I even ask? Did I want to know the answer?

“N-never mind…” 

She grinned. “You’re bein’ awfully cagey, boss. Did I see something seeeecret?”

“NO! I mean, no, I just… uh… there’s some delicate… um…”

“Oooh, you’re cute when you squirm. Tell you what, why don’t you just sit there and stew, I’ll get dinner going.”


The next morning, I smacked my phone irritably, trying to turn off my alarm. I hadn’t had internet for a few days because of the move, so I’d kind of overdone it catching up on my backlog of stuff last night. 

I rolled out of bed and laid on the floor for a while, unable to summon the willpower to move. 

…Zoe had definitely seen the box of stuff I had been trying to hide. All my manga was lined up neatly on the bookshelves and the cds were put away. Some of the worse stuff like my figures were still in the box, since she clearly didn’t know what to do with them. 

Okay. Relax. How bad could it be? So maybe she saw some of my books and shows. I don’t watch anything that weird, right? Got some action, some- fuck. There’s that one show about the maids. Okay, it’s kind of fetishy, but at least there isn’t- 

I looked around a little more. Oh fuck. There’s… kind of a lot of maid stuff in anime these days… there was at least five series and- 

…Fuck. Shit. Do I have a fucking maid fetish or something? Why is there so many? She’s probably going to think I’m some kind of weird fucking pervert who’s been lusting after this kind of situation and now I bet she thinks I’m going to try and grope her or something. 

I curled up in a ball as images of being taken away in handcuffs after she beat the shit out of me flashed through my head. Goddammit! That’s not even the worst stuff! There’s that manga about the girl who bullies her senpai and- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

“…The fuck are you doing?”

Zoe was standing in the doorframe of my room and staring at me like I was having a mental episode. …Was I having a mental episode?

“Uh… I… I’m just a little tired, I stayed up too late watching some shows, aha…” Just be vague. The best lies are partly true anyway, right?

“You know what? I’m not gonna ask. That said, you’re a grown-ass man, so you wanna not be stupid about your sleep?”

“O-okay…”

“Good. We’re gettin’ you to the gym after work, so don’t get too tuckered out, lil’ guy.”

“Actually, I might work la-”

The elf gave me a withering look. “Do you need to?”

“Well, I just thought that I might, and I usually stayed late at the old place anyway just so I could get things done b-”

“It’s your second day. Is the boss busting your balls already or something?”

“No, she’s really nice, but-”

“No buts then. If I don’t see you at 5:30 and you haven’t texted me the best goddamn excuse I’ve ever seen, I’m dragging your ass out of there myself.”

My shoulders slumped. “…Yes, Miss Greene…”

“You, uh…” She paused for a moment and cleared her throat, her face a little red. “…call me that more often.”

She turned away and left the room, but popped her head back in a moment later.

“Oh right! You’re eatin’ right from now on, so breakfast is on the table when you’re dressed. I even opened the jam jar for your delicate little hands.”


I smiled awkwardly at the secretary as I passed, pressing my ID card to the reader to get into the legal department. I pushed on the door and- nothing? I tapped my card again and still had no luck. Uh…

I wandered over to the front desk and nervously scratched my arm. “Uh, hey… I just had my first day yesterday, so I don’t think my card works yet… could you let me into legal?”

The girl covered her mouth, clearly trying not to laugh. “I… uh… I don’t know how to -pfft- how to tell you this, Mr. Novak, but uh… that’s a thermostat. We don’t have card readers here.”

“Oh!” God, I felt stupid. “Is it locked up still or something?”

The secretary couldn’t hold in her laughter any more, and it took a few seconds for her to get her composure back. “It’s… oh, god. It’s labelled pull, champ.”

The second day. The second goddamned day and I already look like a retard. My face heated up, and clearly seeing my face turn red was cracking the secretary up even more, even if she was still trying to hold it in.

I left wordlessly and shuffled over to the door, pulling this time. 

“Novak!” 

I jumped a little, seeing my partner Izzy almost jogging over to me. 

“Oh, morn- EEP!”

The oni pushed me up against the wall, and I let out an unmanly squeak.

“Was it you who did all that shit yesterday?”

Oh no. I fucked it all up, didn’t I? I probably don’t even know how they do it here, and now she’s mad that I messed up all her stuff and mine… Wait, m-maybe she was going for a promotion and I’m stepping on her toes?! There was that guy back at the other office who threatened to beat me up that one time when he thought I was going for his promotion, then he made me say that he was the one who did all the work and…

T-there was no getting out of this, was there? “Y… um… I’m sorry, I just-”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna stay late and work on my shit too?”

“Sorry- I mean I… I can say you did it and my stuff too if you want me to… unless I did it wrong! Sorr-”

“…You alright, Pat? I just wanted to say thanks, but like… you know none of that was due for like another month, right?”

She… she didn’t seem mad… “I… I probably messed up a lot, so I thought I could at least get the first drafts done, and…”

“Hold up there, super chieftain.” She said, patting me on the shoulder. “You did a bang-up job. I don’t know what they’re like down in the home office to have you spooked like this, but I ain’t about that. Since we’ve basically got nothin’ to do now, let’s take it easy today, alright?”

I spent a few hours just kind of hanging out with Izzy, slowly going over the work I’d done yesterday. I’d made a few little mistakes like writing the same word twice, but… it seemed like I was actually doing good. 

“…So, you gonna stay for lunch or go somewhere?”

“Oh, uh… I mean, I usually ate at McDoggo’s or something at the old place, since I never really had the time.” I mean, I’d been forced to have free time last night, but… “I didn’t really bring anything, so I guess I’ll have to grab something.”

“Alright, see you in a while then? I’m gonna hit the bathroom.”

The oni disappeared around a corner, and I stood up to leave. It would probably take way too long to go to that sit-down restaurant we went to the day before… I thought I might’ve seen some fast food on the main drag some-

“Master!”

I looked around, confused. I knew it was a bit racist to assume it was my new boss who said that just because she was a kikimora, but-

Oh no.

A black-and-white clad elf power walked over and dropped a bag on my desk. “Forgot to give this to ya this morning. You don’t mind fish, do you?”

…Everyone was staring. Oh god, the whole department was staring at me and my maid. I didn’t want them to know that… I mean, a maid?! I bet half of them thought I’d just hired a prostitute or something. 

“Master? You listening?”

I dropped back into my seat and covered my face. My cheeks felt like they were burning. “P…Please stop saying that…”

Zoe grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face. I could see she was grinning, clearly enjoying the reaction she was getting out of me. “What did you say, Master? Your maid can’t hear you when you don’t speak loudly and clearly.

She was practically yelling. Everyone was staring. This was so humiliating…

“…P-please Miss Greene… I just…” I struggled to move my hands, but she wouldn’t let go.

“Mmhmm?” She said, somewhere halfway between laughing and panting in arousal.

“…T-thank you for bringing me lunch…”

She leaned in to whisper in my ear. “Anyone told you that you’re too damn cute for your own good when you’re embarrassed?”

I could see that my boss Danica was making a semi-disgusted face in my direction. I was probably going to lose my job and I wouldn’t be able to show my face anywhere in town ever again and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Zoe had clearly noticed the kikimora staring at us and glared back. “…The hell are you lookin’ at?”

“I-I-I-I-I’M A MAID, TOO, YOU KNOW!” The flustered kiki squealed.

“Uh, cool? You projecting or something? I thought you were a legal lady.”

“Agh, why you-”

“Yeah, I’m a cunt. Anyway, are you behind this guy stayin’ until like 8 o’clock on his first day?”

“…He stayed that long?! He told me he was just in a little after quitting time!”

Zoe clicked her tongue and stared daggers at me. “So he wasn’t lying… Anyway, don’t let this retard work himself to death, alright? You might not think I’m much of a maid, but I can at least do that much.” 

“…Maybe… maybe you’re not so bad. Miss…?”

Zoe shook the kikimora’s hand and nodded. “Greene. Anyway, I’m boutta head out.” 

Greene?” Izzy had gotten back and was now staring at Zoe intently.

The elf squinted for a moment before a glimmer of recognition crossed her face. “…Banno? The hell are you doing here?”

“Quit the MPs, so I just kinda went into law because I already had experience. Fuck happened to you? You doing candy-grams to lonely twinks now or something?”

“Ha! They fuckin’ made me quit after I got this.” She said, gesturing towards her eyepatch. “Novak took me in and I’ve been workin’ as a maid since then.”

The oni paused a moment. “…So the eyepatch ain’t fake?”

Zoe nodded. “Yeah. IED, but at least I’ve still got my legs and shit.”

“Damn, that’s rough… wait, you said you were working for Colonel Novak, right?”

“He’s, uh… He died like two months ago.”

“What the fuck?! Did those black pyjama fucks get him?!”

Zoe laughed loudly. “You fuckin’ think those bastards could kill him, even on his deathbed? Dude was like 90 or something, his heart just decided to check out.”

“Shit, that’s good at least. Well, uh… not good, but…”

“I get ya. Cucking them out of killing him is probably the best way he coulda finished it.”

I was… kind of feeling left out. I’d focus on something else but… literally everyone I knew in the city was having a conversation without me. I cleared my throat and cut in at what I figured was a natural pause.

“So, um… you know each other?”

Zoe smiled and patted Izzy on the back. “This bitch? Buddyfucker prime here worked for the military police attached to my unit for a long-ass time.”

“Ah, fuck off. You wouldn’t hate me if I didn’t have to bring you in wearing handcuffs all the time.”

“…You did half of those for fun and you know it.”

“What about the time you- you know what? Whatever. So this girl’s seriously your maid, Pat?”

I felt the embarrassment coming back again. “Uh… y-yeah… I mean, I didn’t want to have a mai- uh, not that it’s bad!”

Izzy smiled and nudged Zoe with her elbow. “You sure you’re not into girls, Greene? First the girl after your second deployment, then me… shit, your little twink boy here is almost more feminine than I am.”

“Fuck off, he’s my twink.” The elf crossed her arms. “And I’m not fucking him, for your goddamn information. He’s one of Novak’s relatives, so I’m takin’ care of him.”

“Mmmhmm. I saw that look you were giving him when you were shouting about the maid thing. I haven’t seen you looking that horny since… well shit, I can’t decide if it was right before you picked up that girl or after I stopped you from fucking that corporal because you were beating the shit out of him.”

“…B-Banno, will you do me a favour and shut the fuck up for once in your life?”

“Wow. You know, I think you said the same thing before I arrested you last time.” The oni grinned. “So you givin’ me your number so we can catch up, or…?”

“Ah, fine. Homo.” The two girls played with their phones for a minute before turning back to me. “Alright, Master. Don’t forget we’re getting your ass into the gym when you get home.”

“Okay, Miss Greene…” I wasn’t really enthused, but it seemed like I wasn’t going to get out of it. I hadn’t even exercised since the first year of high school, but… I guess that’s why I was so weak.

When Zoe had left, Izzy patted me on the shoulder and giggled. “‘Miss Greene,’ huh?”

I blushed a little. “Uh… well, I don’t really know what to call her, so…”

“Oh, no. Have you seen the look on her face when you kinda look down and say that? I can tell that gets her goin’ real good.”


After a few more hours of working, Danica and Izzy basically shuffled me out of the door an hour early, saying that I deserved it for working late the day before. I didn’t really know what to do with myself this early, but… I headed home, hoping that Zoe wasn’t going to think I was lazy or something. At least I was away from the office now, since basically everyone had kept asking me about the maid. Even the secretary at the front desk, who probably already thought I was retarded enough before a girl who looked like she was cosplaying needed to act like my mom.

When I got inside and kicked off my shoes, the house felt… strangely quiet. I mean, it wasn’t normally loud or anything, but… things felt off somehow. Maybe Zoe was just off doing something right-

As I walked past a corner by the entrance, I was knocked off my feet and my arm was twisted behind me roughly. My face was being pressed into the ground and I felt a knee along with something metal being pushed into my back.

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare move or I’ll kill you righ… Aw, fuck.” The hand holding me down was pulled back, and I was flipped over to see Zoe kneeling over me, a pistol in one hand. “You’re uh… you’re early.”

My glasses were barely still on my face and I was shaking so much from the fear that I was about to be killed that I couldn’t really form a coherent response. “Zo-um… please… I…”

She frowned at me, tucking her gun somewhere into her maid uniform. “You’ve gotta fuckin’ tell me if you’re gonna-!”

I… I had never been that scared in my life before. I didn’t mean to, and I felt so stupid and weak for doing it in front of my tough army maid, but… tears started rolling down my face as I tried to get my breathing back to normal. 

The elf stared at me for a few moments before dragging me to my feet and pulling me to her chest. “…Sorry. I, uh… we got a threat today and I’ve been kind of on edge.”

“W-what do you mean a threat?”

“It was in the fuckin’ repor-” She paused and sighed. “Yeah. There’s some terrorists overseas that are a little upset Colonel Novak was so good at his job. They used to try and figure out some harebrained scheme to assassinate him every couple years when he was alive. Kinda figured they’d stop bothering since he’s dead, but… we got a letter today.”

“S-should we be worried?”

She looked down at me for a minute, then shrugged. “You know, I think I’m just being paranoid. We still hittin’ the gym?”

“I…”

“Trick question. You got any PT gear or are we puttin’ you in one of my sports bras?”

“Uh… I think I might have my gym strip from high school around…”

“Alright, meet me downstairs then? I’ve gotta go get changed out of this.” She said, gesturing to her maid uniform. 

A few minutes later, I tentatively stepped into the gym in the basement. It was less like a home gym and more like an entire regular gym at home. I swore at least 10 people could probably be doing stuff there at the same time without getting in the way of each other. Zoe was waiting for me, and, uh… wow.

I really liked her maid uniform, of course. She looked like… really cute in it, even if I could never say that to her face. But her exercise clothes definitely showed off her assets more. The sweater she was wearing was much more form-fitting than what I was used to seeing her in, and she also had on a pair of bike shorts that were showing off her legs.

I wasn’t really meaning to stare, but… she had the best-looking legs I’d ever seen. I’d, uh… glanced at her legs once or… well, maybe more than a couple times before, but now I could see how strong she really was. I could tell she was down here pretty often with how-

“Master?”

“AH! Yeah?”

She smiled at me knowingly and giggled, looking me up and down. “So, you’re lookin’… hot.

I tried adjusting my shirt a little. It was… pretty big on me. “Uh… my parents said I’d grow into it and… well, I guess you can see how that turned out.”

“Ah, it’s cu- fine. Let’s get you stretched out good, I’m not gonna hold back on you.”

Zoe led me through a few stretches, and it was pretty immediately obvious I wasn’t flexible at all, but it kind of felt good to move my body after so long without exercising. As I struggled to get very far down into a lunge, she spoke up from the floor, already doing a full split. “So, you need help with that stack of papers the lawyer gave you when we’re done?”

“Oh, I actually finished it all last night.”

“Ha, good one. Careful of your knee, you can hurt yourself pretty easily like- yeah, that’s better. But anyway, I’m serious. I might not be able to do any of the legal fuckery, but I can at least read stuff for you and… shit, I dunno. Tell me what to do and I can get it done for ya.” 

“I’m… I’m serious, though?”

“You serious? When the hell did you have time for that?”

“I just kind of started watching some ani- shows while I was working on them last night, and time kind of got away from me. I, uh… kind of ended up sleeping at around 4.”

The elf stood up and crossed her arms. “Master.

“Y-yeah?”

“We oughta have a little chat about what I mean when I specifically tell you to take it easy.” 

“I… I just wanted to get it done, okay?!” 

Oh. 

Shit, I hadn’t meant to yell, b-

Zoe smiled and slapped me on the back. “Ha! Now that’s more like it! I was startin’ to wonder whether you had it in you to stand up for yourself.”

“T-thanks…”

A few quiet moments passed as we continued stretching before she spoke up again. “Fuckin’ Novak- uh, the Colonel, not you. Anyway, You couldn’t make the guy just sit down and do army paperwork for anything. He’d work for like 15 minutes tops and then just want to go hang out with the guys or go on a combat mission even if he wasn’t supposed to, since he was important. Even workin’ here with him, he woulda taken like two months to finish all that shit you had. …I guess I’m tryin’ to say maybe you’re not so bad. Cute, even.”

I… wasn’t really sure what to say. “Uh-”

“Alright, enough of the sappy shit. Let’s do some work. How are you with running?”


I wanted to die.

Anything to end the suffering. My entire body was burning, and it felt like I was about to cough up blood. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I wondered if this is what hell felt like, but I knew that I’d be there soon to find out.

“You alright there, Patty? We’ve hardly been going 10 minutes.” Zoe jogged along on the treadmill next to me, looking unhurried despite going considerably faster than I was. 

I hated being called that, but I could hardly catch my breath to complain as I dragged myself forward, legs barely responding.

“Say, do you wanna turn the TV on or something to keep us entertained? You said you were watchin’ something and that’s what kept you up last night, right?”

I thought about the TV,  but then remembered my distaste for those normies who watch game of dickthrones and shitty live-action programs. “I… ugh… let’s… not…”

I was slowing down anyway, and it looked like she’d noticed. She pondered for a moment before leaning a little closer to me with a smug look on her face. “You sure? I thought the new episode of that fox anime you like so much is on today. May as well put it on to keep your spirits up, right?”

“Oh yeah… that’s tru-” I nearly fell off the treadmill as the realisation of what she’d said hit me. “HAHAHA WHAT DO YOU MEAN ZO- MS. GREENE? WHAT’S AN ANEEM? HAHAHA!?”

Suddenly… maybe running wasn’t so bad. I turned my face away, hoping she wouldn’t see me panicking. 

Okay, play it cool. What would a grown man who doesn’t like stuff for kids s- THERE’S A MIRROR IN FRONT OF US AND SHE’S STARING AT ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“Oooooh? Not in an anime mood, Master? I thought you were so keen to catch up on your backlog last night you ended up staying up until it was almost daybreak, though…”

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about! I was watching… uh…Professor Whomst! W-what a great show!”

“You know, I don’t know why you’re bothering after I saw aaaaaaaall those figures and stuff you have. I mean, I even put away all of those DVDs and books of yours. The fox one and- Oh, wait! Maybe you’re just hoping that I’ll call you disgusting… senpai.

Happy place. Happy place. Happy place. There is no maid. She wouldn’t know if there was one, anyway.

“Oh, now you’re goin’ for it! And here I was thinking you were going to give up. Say, you could just stare at my legs like usual if you’re too embarrassed to watch TV with me.” She slapped her leg and teasingly pulled up her spats a little. “You’re gettin’ even more of a show than usual~”

Faster. 

Fasterfasterfasterfaster.

I knew the speed of light was about two hundred and ninety-nine million metres per second. Shame can’t be that fast, right? How fast can humans run? I could outrun shame. Easy. I was practically there already. 

I wondered how fast I was going, but covering my face with my hands to hide how much I was blushing was made that impossible to know. 

…why did she know?! I didn’t mean to! I mean, it’s kind of hard not to-

“Hang on, you’re gonna-!”

Ow. 

Before I knew what was happening, I was lying on the floor and Zoe was holding my face, yelling at me. “Master! Pat, can you hear me!?”

“Ow… yeah, I… I’m good.” Was I? I tried to get up and couldn’t get my hips off the floor. Oh god. Was I paralysed? Oh no. Fuck. Was work wheelchair accessible? I didn’t want to be crippl- 

Oh. She was sitting on me. 

The elf sighed in relief and slapped me across the face. It didn’t really hurt, but it surprised me. “Jesus fuck, don’t scare me like that again, retard.”

I… didn’t know she was that worried. “…Sorry…”

“Okay, no more fuckin’ around on the treadmills from now on.” She got off me and held out a hand. “Didn’t say you had to stop lookin’, by the way.”

I felt my face heat up all over again, but I grabbed her hand anyway and she pulled me to my feet. Nearly face-to-face, she looked like she thought about something before she shook her head. “You know, this wouldn’t be half as fun if you didn’t give me such good reactions.

As I was about to say something, she patted me on the back, which made my cold, sweat-soaked shirt stick to my back again. “Eeeugh…”

“Ah, don’t be a wuss. I’m sweatin’ too.”

She was right. The sweat was even starting to run down her l- Don’t stare at the legs again. It was even starting to show through her sweater, and… wait. “So, uh… why are you wearing a sweater then?”

“Because… Well, uh… it wouldn’t be ladylike of me to show that much skin, you know?” She laughed a little awkwardly.

“Yeah, but really though… Aren’t you kinda hot?” 

She seemed to struggle as she went on to clarify, rubbing the back of her neck and looking everywhere but at me. “It just feels kinda…I dunno. Inappropriate? Unprofessional? I mean, look at me! I don’t exactly look like one of the girls in Playmonster or something!” 

“I…you…” I sighed. “I don’t mind what you wear. I mean, you’re really cute in whatever, so you shouldn’t worry about keeping up appearances… around me or w-whatever…” I finished quietly, realizing I probably made this more awkward than it already was.

She seemed to mull it over for a minute, giving me a pensive look. Finally she shrugged, punching me in the shoulder playfully. “Eh, you’re right, Master. I… Don’t know why I was bein’ such a pussy about it. One sec.”

She reached down and pulled the sweater up over her head, tossing it onto a nearby bench. This was the first time I’d seen her so… exposed. Her delicious brown skin was covered in various scars, the most prominent of which (besides the one on her face) being a line running diagonally across the middle of her well-toned abs. They mostly appeared on her torso, but I could see a few small ones on her limbs. Must’ve been from that IED she was talking about. From her shoulders to her wrists, her arms were covered in a serpentine tattoo that coiled upwards. She looked to have another one on her lower stomach, but it was partially obscured by her shorts. Hard to tell what it was. I think I even started drooling a bit because she caught me staring and gave me a cocky grin.

” Like what ya see, Patty-cake?” She grinned, hand on her hip.

“Uh, I… aha…” Yes. Oh god, yes.

“So we pickin’ up heavy things or what? I was kinda hopin’ I could at least get you strong enough you could open soylent bottles all by yourself.”

“Oh! Right. Uh… what should I start with? I’m kinda new to the gym stuff.”

She gave me a devious grin. “Oh, don’t you worry about that, Master. Hope you weren’t hoping to use your arms for anything after this, though.”


“Alright, you wanna call that good for today?” Zoe grinned and flexed a bit. 

I nodded wordlessly, exhausted from the absolute gauntlet of strength training she’d put me through. As Zoe passed me I couldn’t help but notice how much she was sweating, with trickles of perspiration running down her stomach. Not that I was in to that. Wait… was I weird for noticing that? 

As we walked out of the gym, we turned a corner into the hall and heard a smash coming from near the door to the house. 

“Ah, fuck!” Zoe hissed, pushing me back against the wall. She groped at her clothes for a few seconds before she smacked her forehead. “I didn’t bring my fuckin’ gun! Alright, Master. Stay close, I don’t know how many of ‘em there are.”

Oh shit. Oh god. Was I going to die? I nearly clung to her back. I… nothing like this had ever happened to me in my life! …I couldn’t cry again. She probably already thought I was a gigantic pussy already. I tried vainly to get my breathing under control and at least follow her without making much sound.

We closed in to the corner nearest to the door, as close as we could get without being spotted. To my horror, Zoe put on a slightly racist accent and started shouting. “Over here, sister! Our ackbars are great this day, I have found him!”

Nearly immediately, I heard an annoyed shout from around the corner. “Okay, for one, that’s not what we sound like, and I didn’t come here with anyone, so that wouldn’t work anyway! I didn’t learn English just for you to be fucking racist!”

Zoe snorted. “Man, you girls are still as retarded as I remember you. Did you really just give away that you’re alone?”

“…Y-you don’t know that I’m not lying!”

“Sure, whatever. You comin’ to get us or what?”

“Ha! As if I’d fall into your trap, you fluffless whore! You’ll have to come to me!”

“You know, I’ve got backup coming. You’re the gal workin’ on a time limit, here.”

There was a long pause before the other voice responded. “…You’re bluffing.”

Zoe snorted in contempt. “Oh, yeah. Definitely. Say, did they ever tell you how many assassins they sent before you?”

“Numbers are nothing in comparison to the eternal glory of-”

“You’re number twenty-three. And they sent you in alone expecting something to be different? Classic WANWAN retards, to be ho-”

“IT’S WANWAI YOU FILTHY IMPERIALIST TRASH!”

“Sorry, what? All I heard was ‘wan, wan, wan!’”

There was an incoherent scream before a scrawny-looking anubis wearing a balaclava ran around the corner, brandishing some kind of strange-looking rifle. Or rather, she had been brandishing it until Zoe tripped her, sending her sprawling out across the ground.

The elf jumped up and kicked the weapon out of her reach, slamming a knee into her side just as the anubis pulled a knife and rushed her. Doubled over in pain, the anubis dropped the knife, giving Zoe the time she needed to get her into a sleeper hold. “WAN BATTLE!” she grumbled as the two tumbled to the floor.

Eventually Zoe came out on top, though half way into the bout it was clear that she was just pretending to lose her grip here and there. She had me help her carry the unconscious anubis into one of the nearby guest rooms and tie her to a chair with a suspicious amount of rope she’d ‘found’ in a cabinet.

It seemed like she was satisfied with her work, so she slapped the girl awake. “Mornin’, pupper. Now then… guess I’ll have you tell me what’s goin’ on with WANWAN these days. Start talkin’.”

Our new captive just started screaming incoherently and struggling violently against her bonds.

“Jesus christ, calm the fuck down or you’re gonna hurt yourself before I even get the chance.”

I cleared my throat and tried to speak over the screeching terrorist. “So, uh… these are the terrorists that were after the Colonel?”

“Yeah. Kinda nobodies, to be honest. Mostly harmless for a terrorist group, but we fucked with ‘em enough times that they swore they’d get him back.”

“Oh… so what does WANWAN mean?” 

“Some dumb acronym for their organisation. It’s something like ‘World Anubis Nation – Winning As Ntended’ or something.”

The screaming drifted into lucidity for a moment, and I could tell she was screaming “WANWAI WANWAI WANWAI WANWAI WANWAI WANWAI!!”

Zoe grinned. “Hate it when we call ‘em WANWAN, so try and do it as much as you can. I think this one’s too far gone to feel any worse, though. We’re gonna need to calm her down.”

“…Do you, uh… have a plan for that?”

“Yeah, could you grab the ironing board and go fill up the ba- …actually…”

“Actually?”

Zoe walked over to the anubis and started whispering something in her ear. It must have really gotten to her, because she started getting more violent and screaming that Zoe wouldn’t dare. The elf looked annoyed and dug around in the same drawer she’d gotten all the rope from for a moment, before she pulled out an intimidating-looking ballgag and shoved it in the anubis’ mouth.

“Master, I think she’s actually… well, it’s kind of hard to say, but… There’s a certain drug that’s been goin’ around overseas that terrorist groups have been using. Turns their gals into rape-and-murder machines, and I think she shot up with it before she rushed in.”

“O-oh, god… Um, should we… I… what do we do? Is she going to be okay?”

Zoe gave me a grim look and patted me on the shoulder. “Fortunately, the antidote’s pretty much immediately effective, but I got rid of our stock when the Colonel kicked it. You, uh… could help me with a… replacement, though.”

“Of course I’ll help! Er, what do I need to do?” 

“Well, I dunno if you’re gonna like it, Master…”

“No, please! If we can do anything, I mean, she was trying to kill us, but we shouldn’t just let her, well…”

“Drop your pants then, boss.”

“W-WHAT? Don’t tell me I have to pee on her like it’s a jellyfish sting! Is she even into that?!” 

“Nah. Just get to jackin’ it, stud.”

I cupped my cheeks, embarrassed. “B-but why?”

“Ah, there’s actually this one, uh… I forget what the name is, exactly, but there’s some chemical in semen that interacts with the drug receptors, and… well, cum turns it off, long story short.”

“T-there’s no other way?”

Zoe playfully massaged my shoulders. “Sorry champ. You wanna limber up first or just get to work? Just think of it as extra cardio after the exercise.”

I squirmed a little. Oh, god. Was I really going to have to do this? “O-okay, I’ll just go to the bathroom and-”

“No! It, uh… has to be fresh from the tap or it won’t work. You’ll have to do it here.”

My face burned with shame. I’d never had to do that kind of thing in front of a girl, and two now? It felt… weird! I didn’t have that kind of relationship with Zoe, but she was going to be watching? “M-maybe we could jus- ah!”

Getting impatient, Zoe had yanked my shorts down, leaving me in my underwear. “You gonna do the rest, or should I do it for you, Master?

“Uuuuu…” I whined and hesitantly pulled my underwear down, trying to cover up. I don’t know how she had expected me to get it up, but at this point, this felt more like humiliation than trying to help. “I… I don’t know if I’m going to be able to, uh… do that…”

“Aw, Master… don’t be like that.” She purred, nearly wrapping herself around me from behind. “I bet you can get that dick up for me…”

Oh god. I knew she’d done that on purpose, but I probably looked like a pervert now that it was starting to work. 

Oh. I, uh… didn’t expect something so, uh…” Zoe cleared her throat, sounding a  little hoarser. “W-why don’t you get working on that, Master?”

“Um… r-right…” I grabbed excalibur and started stroking halfheartedly. I just… maybe if I pretended I was somewhere else and there wasn’t a girl who’d been trying to kill me and my maid who was… well… she was probably the hottest girl I’d met in my life, but I was her boss and-

“You know, you’re not getting anywhere like that… You’re not even all the way hard…”

Oh no. I was kind of starting to get performance anxiety. Okay. Relax. Think of someone sexy an- No, not Zoe! Someone else. Er…

The elf’s breath tickled my ear as she whispered to me. “I can get over there to give you some… inspiration if you want… Unless you’d prefer-”

“N-no! That, uh… that’s okay.” 

“You suuuure? I know how much you seemed to like seeing me in all dressed up in my workout clothes… You practically made me strip for you…”

D-did she think I was harassing her? I didn’t mean for her to think that or anything… I mean, I just didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. 

She practically sprawled herself across the struggling anubis and gave me an amused look. “C’mon… little miss fluffy might not do it for you, but I know how much you look at my legs.” She hummed, teasingly pulling her spats up a little to show off the tan line on her leg.

Fuck. Yep. That was doing it. 

She kept whispering slightly-teasing things to me until I was nearly there. “Mi-uh… Miss Greene, I think I’m…”

I didn’t know whether it was my aim or the fact that she was kind of covering up most of my target, but some of my semen ended up landing on Zoe. Fuck. Shit. Okay, it was kind of hot seeing my cum on her, but-

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean t-”

She squinted at me for a second and bit her lip. “Um… N-nah, don’t worry about it. Let’s, uh… interrogate her, right?”

“Can I, uh… pull up my pants now?”

She paused for a moment, then sighed. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ve pretty much got- uh, yeah. Should be good.”

“What?”

“What?” She turned around and took out that not-weird-to-have-in-one-of-the-guest-rooms ballgag out of the anubis’ mouth. I… was honestly too scared to ask at that point.

“Uuuugh… it’s groooooooss…”

“You ready to chill the fuck out now?”

“Just… please don’t make him do that again.”

“Hmm… we’ll see. So why the hell are you here?”

I couldn’t tell if the anubis looked confused or whether some cum had dripped into her eyes. “We’re here to kidnap your precious colonel and show him what happens to the opponents of the glorious WANWAI! …Same as usual, I don’t know why you’re confused.”

Zoe sighed and looked a little uncomfortable. “You guys, uh… didn’t hear?”

“Hear what, you imperialist dog?”

“He kinda kicked the bucket two months ago.”

“Who killed him?!”

“Heart stopped workin’ when he was asleep.”

“…Y-you lie! He wouldn’t have… couldn’t!

“Sorry, pooch. You weren’t fast enough.”

“That was a hard ‘ch’ there, pointy.” The anubis paused. “Why didn’t you tell us?! After all we’ve been through!”

“Well we figured you’d already fuckin’ know! Besides, you think we’re just going to tell a terrorist organisation that their hit list’s number one just croaked?”

“…Well, we could’ve at least sent somebody to the funeral with flowers or something! We’re not heartless, we just want to form a lego-lover’s ethnostate covering the entire middle east!”

“Well fuckin’… sorry?”

“…So who is this guy? Wasn’t it just you and him living here?”

“Ah, he’s a rela- Why the hell should I tell you?”

“Fine, play coy. I’m going home, everyone will want to hear about this.”

“How is Assana Bin Sluttin’ anyway? Living in a cave in Pawkistan or something?”

“Actually, she’s infiltrated your government and has risen to become the leader of your country. We almost gave it away when her secret identity middle name was discovered to be ‘Hussy.’”

“…What?”

“Yes she lives in a cave in Pawkistan, you’ve known that for like ten years! Now untie me you ignorant slut!”


Zoe set a dinner plate in front of me and sat down with her own wordlessly.

We sat in silence for a few moments, the sounds of our forks clacking on the plates being the only sound before I decided I should try to clear the air. “So… uh… that was kind of fucked up.”

She sighed. “No shit. Pretty damn funny that they’re pissed about getting cucked out of their kill though.”

There was a long and awkward pause, the air becoming heavy as both of us struggled to find a way to bring up the recent… ‘event’. 

“So-”

“I-”

We both stared at each other for a moment before she broke the silence with a laugh. “Go ahead, chief.”

“I just, uh… sorry about what happened, I didn’t really mean t-”

“Chill out. I expected shit to get a little weird when I had to get my boss to jerk off onto a terrorist, don’t worry.”

“I just… okay. I guess you’re right.”

“Good. Don’t worry, we can work on your aim later, tex.” She chuckled.

I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest and I could actually start eating in earnest now.

“Hey, uh… Miss Greene? 

“Yeah?”

“I was thinking… have you taken a day off? I mean, it feels like we’ve been really busy lately, and…”

She set down her fork and looked at me a little more intensely. “I don’t take any and I don’t want to. Hangin’ out and taking it easier on days you have off is enough.”

“But…”

“Not doin’ it. Especially since we had terrorist problems not three hours ago. I get you’re tryin’ to be nice, but forget it.”

“Well… can I at least do something for you? I really owe you one. Like, for everything.”

“It’s my job, Master. You’re even payin’ me for it.”

“Come on. Please? How about just one day where you can take it easy, and… I’ll do whatever you want.”

Zoe looked away for a moment and scratched her cheek. “…Whatever I want?”

“Yeah. Please let me do this for you? You could even teach me how to help with some things if you want, or we could do some of that other stuff you were talking about, like shooting or…”

Her serious expression wavered for a second. “…No, the chores are my job. I think I’ve… Hang on, you’re serious, right?”

“Yeah, of course. I… I owe you my life from just today alone.”

“No complaining? I can do anything?

She seemed… really hung up on this. She really must have needed a break, just for her own sanity. “Don’t worry. Anything. I won’t complain, I promise.”

A slightly worrying grin crossed her face before she covered it with her hand and stood up. “I, uh… I’ve gotta go do some work and finish up some things. Friday’s okay with you, right?”

“I mean, I’ve got work, but if you want to…”

It sounded like she tried to be non-threatening when she laughed, but she ended up sounding like a cartoon villain about to lower the hero into a shark tank. “Oh, don’t worry, Master, I’ll take care of everything.


I woke up on Friday before my alarm for once. I yawned, stretched out a little, then slowly opened my eyes. It was actually pretty nice not having to scramble to turn off the alarm in a haz-

As my eyes adjusted to the early morning light, I noticed that Zoe was sitting at the foot of my bed and smiling my direction. “Morning, Master. I was starting to wonder if I should try a little harder to wake you up.”

“O-oh! You don’t have to wake me up or anything, I can-”

“What if I want to?”

Oh. Um. I hadn’t planned for this. “I… It was nice, definitely. I’m just saying, like… don’t feel like you have to.”

“Good. Anyone told you you’re pretty cute when you’re sleeping?”

I felt my face get a little red. “Y-you too…”

“So, you getting up? I’ve got breakfast ready for us downstairs.”

I shifted under the covers a little. “Uh… okay, but could you go ahead? All I’ve got on is my underwear and a shirt, so I should probably change…”

The elf snorted. “So? You were wearin’ less than that in front of me yesterday.”

“B-but that was diff-”

“What, you worried I’m gonna see your morning wood or something?” She grinned and grabbed my wrist firmly, starting to pull me out of bed. “Nothin’ I haven’t seen before. Now be a good little Master and come eat breakfast.”

I sighed. “Okay… Oh, what time is it? I said I was going to come in to work a little early today so I could-”

“I already called in. You’ve got the day off. That weird kiki with the complex over me being a maid said she was startin’ to get worried about you anyway.”

“But I have t-” I was cut off when she clapped a hand over my mouth and pulled me to her chest so I couldn’t just move my head away.

No buts. I seem to remember you promising you wouldn’t complain and you’d do whatever I said today.” I squirmed a little and she pulled the wrist she was holding behind my back. “Think of this as punishment for doing all that work when I told you to take a break. You almost got assassinated last week, so chill the fuck out and enjoy your day off.”

I slumped a little. She was probably right. I just wanted to get the work done, but now I didn’t have to do as much, and… people probably take a breather when they have to deal with terrorists breaking into their house. 

“Now, are you gonna stop being stupid and keep your promise to me?” Zoe pulled me in a little closer. 

I nodded my head. “Mmhmm…”

“Good.” She took her hand away from my mouth, but started dragging me along by my wrist again. “Let’s get some breakfast in you before it’s cold.”

Zoe sat me down at the dining room table before going to the kitchen to get breakfast. It felt a little weird, having to sit in the dining room in just my underwear, but it didn’t seem like she was going to let me get dressed yet. 

She came back with two plates of food and set one in front of me before taking a seat herself. 

“Oh, um… could I get something really quick? I just have to do this one little thing for Izzy, then we ca-”

Zoe gave me a sour look before standing up abruptly and sighing. “Master.”

“Y-yes?”

She got a little closer and dug around in the pocket of her apron for a moment. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

“Um… okay?” I held out my hands. Was she giving me something? I felt something kind of cold touch my wrists, then my eyes shot open when I heard a clicking sound.

“There. Perfect.” Zoe said smugly. 

I looked down to find that she’d handcuffed me to my seat, the chain looping around an arm of the chair. “Wait, what are you doing?!”

“I warned you I’d handcuff you to something if you kept up your bullshit.”

“I thought you were joking!” I paused for a moment, trying to see if I could get the handcuffs off somehow. “C-come on, I’ll listen to you now … I can’t eat like this, anyway…”

The maid smiled menacingly and sat down on my lap. “Oh, no. I’ve seen where your promises go, Patty. You are going to be learning your place. Now open up, here comes the bacon train.”

“Please don’t call me Patt- mmf.” She took the opportunity to shove a spoonful of hashbrowns and bacon into my mouth as I opened it to talk. 

I sighed and started chewing. She probably wasn’t going to let me out until I cooperated, anyway. 

Zoe alternated between feeding me and eating her own breakfast for a few minutes, looking immensely pleased with herself. “See? This isn’t so bad. Just take a break, slow down… You’ve even got a maid on your lap, and I’ll bet ya that’s probably in your top three fetishes right there.”

I nearly choked on the omelette I was eating when she said that. “Wh-no!” 

I mean, it’s not like I didn’t think about maids sometimes, but I mean… now that I lived with a real one, it kind of made me confused. 

She looked smug. “Oh yeah?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Prove it then…” She leaned in close enough to my ear that I could feel her breath on my neck. “Master.

I tried to pull my hands up to make space or cover my face or… something, but all I ended up doing was making the handcuffs bite into my wrists, since they were still looped securely around the chair. It was kind of embarrassing being this helpless.

I could tell my face was probably bright red already from her smug expression alone. I was starting to get desperate to steer the conversation away from this. I’d never really had a ranking, but… maids were definitely top five material. That’s not the kind of thing you tell your actual, real-life maid, though. That was way too much, wasn’t it?

“I-I… you can’t prove something like that! What am I supposed to say besides that isn’t true?!”

“Well… if you’re so confident, then what are they?”

…Shit. Okay, maybe I’ll just say number one is- …Dammit. There was literally no winning this. I kept my mouth shut and just tried to look away. Maybe she’d give up?

“Aww, gonna make me guess? Alright…” The elf tapped her chin. “Ooh, you look like a fella with a balloon fetish, so that’s gotta be number one, right off the bat.”

“…What?” 

“Y’know, there’s those weird dudes who are just into balloons. I bet you’re fuckin’ balloon animals on the reg.”

“I… no?”

“Ah, shit. Gotta be clowns then. Nothin’ like silly string bukkake to get fellas like you going.”

I chuckled a little. She was definitely fucking with me. “Nah, try again. Number three’s gotta be fucking airplanes. Basically the same thing, though.”

She smiled. “Damn. Blonde chicks buyin’ wonder bread? Preeeeetty sure I saw some books on that shit when I was going through that stuff you were embarrassed about.”

“Pff-Dang, got me there. Can’t help it, a man’s got needs.” 

“Alright… first one’s wonder bread, three’s planes… oh, shit. Master, are you…?”

“What?” 

“Gotta be a tilefucker. I’ve seen the way you look at the kitchen. You want me to start wearing checkerboard socks or somethin’ for you?”

“Well, if you would…” I laughed. I mean, if I had to pick, stripes would probably be cuter, but I don’t think there’s a single thing she could do to make her legs look anything but great.

She patted me on the back, finishing the last of her food. “Y’know, I’m glad we finally worked that out. And to think, just because of a few little things I saw, I got the wrong idea entirely.”

“Aha… what do you mean?” 

“Well, between the stuff you read, the porn you looked up last night, and that box of drawings, I would have guessed, oh…”

No. Nonononononono. Fuck. God. Her finding the drawings was almost worse than her poking into my fetishes. Definitely worse than her knowing what porn I was watching last night. I… I’d basically quit since I’d finished school since I didn’t have the time, but…

“Let’s say something like… tomboys, maybe athletic girls, kind of hard to say…” She pressed herself a little closer to me and it made me aware of how much I was sweating. “Probably maids somewhere in there, but it might be bondage too…”

“N-n… aha… w-what do you mean?” Weren’t we just laughing a second ago? We were having fun and then-

Zoe turned herself to straddle my lap with her face dangerously close to mine. “But you know… I’d probably say the one I saw coming up the most, even outside the porn stuff was probably..”

I pulled against the handcuffs. I didn’t even know what I was hoping to accomplish, but at this point it was just a fight or flight reaction. I knew what she was going to say. She’d been too accurate already for her to guess anything but-

“Oh, what was it called… there was some special name for it…” She smiled, clearly just trying to drag out the agony longer. “Oh yeah! Femdom, right?”

“T-that’s not it! It’s… um… c-come on, why don’t we go do uh… whatever you want! Isn’t this supposed to be your rest day? You can just let me go and-”

“Oh? This is what I want to do, though.” I noticed she was a little flushed herself. She looked like she was thinking about something for a while before she grabbed me by my shirt. “God, come here you cute piece of shit.”

I was taken by surprise when I was pulled into a kiss. Wow, she really was flushed. I could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks.

When she finally pulled away, both of us were breathing heavily. I… I didn’t know what to say. Where did that come from? I didn’t hate it at all, but…

Zoe cleared her throat and got off my lap, looking away. “I, um… I’m gonna do the dishes real quick. Back in a few, Master.”

As she walked away with our dishes, I realised I was still securely attached to my chair. Guess I was waiting for her to come back, then. 

…My legs felt kind of cold now that she wasn’t sitting on me.


After what seemed like nearly an eternity, she came back with slightly more unkempt hair and a box under one arm. She tossed the box to one side and sat across from me at her usual spot again. “So?”

“So…?”

“What do ya want to do today? Whole day’s open.”

“I kinda… this was supposed to be so you could take a break… What do you want to do?” 

She frowned. “Stop acting like some shy little schoolgirl. You’ll know when I want to do something, so pick.”

Oh. Um… “M-maybe you could take the handcuffs off? They’re kind of uncomfortable, and I’m not exactly going anywhere so…” I lightly struggled against them for a moment.

“Hmm? Oh, they’re supposed to be uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, but… Please?”

“Hmm… Well, if you’re gonna be a big baby about it…” She leaned over and fumbled with the keys for a minute before slipping the handcuffs off my wrists.

“T-thanks…”

She slid back into her chair, idly spinning them around her finger. “So ya never answered me. What’re we doing?”

“M-maybe you could teach me how to do something and I could help you? I know you don’t want me to mess something up, so if you showed me, I-“

Zoe sighed, merely beckoning me towards her.

“W-what?” I curiously leaned in, only to have her immediately grab my shirt and throw me over her knee. I didn’t even have time to protest before she slapped me across the ass. 

“Ow! W-what are you- Ow! -doing?!”

“Since you seem not to be able to listen, you fucking retard, I’m going to make sure you remember what I say this time.”

“What do y- ow!” I jumped when she slapped me again.

“Did I say you could speak?” She paused for a few seconds, seemingly satisfied when I didn’t say anything further. “That’s a good boy. Now listen up. What did I tell you the last three times you asked if I needed help?”

“I… you said I would mess it up, so I just thought- ow!”

“Wrong! I fuckin’ said this was my job, and you had your own. Shut up, let me serve you and leave being a maid to me.”

“But- ow!”

“NO FUCKING ‘BUTS,’ YOU STUPID DOORMAT!” She hit me again, harder this time.

“I j-”

“Why the fuck do you keep asking to clean when you won’t do the one goddamn thing I asked you to?!”

“Wh- ow! What do you m- OW! Mean?!”

“Did you read the report telling you there might be a fucking assassin?”

“N-no… ow.”

“Did you read it after I told you there might be something important in there? Oh, did you read it last night after you realised that there might be something else important and-fucking-or detailed in there you might have missed?”

“Ow! No… I… I’m really sorry, Miss…”

Zoe paused, her hand raised. I heard her mutter something before she shivered a little. “G-good boy. You’re going to call me that for the rest of the day, alright?”

“…Yes, Miss…”

“Ah, fuck that’s… Okay. Are you going to remember what I’ve told you now?”

“Um, yes, Miss.”

“Perfect. Now, if you ask to help again, I’m going to make you.”

“W-what?”

“You can help if you want to, but you’re going to be dressed up in one of my spare maid uniforms and you can lick the floor clean. Capice?”

“I… I won’t ask again…”

She gently guided me to my feet before giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Just what I wanted to hear. Altho- Oh. Hey there, big fella.”

Zoe grinned at me, and I followed her gaze down to the boxers I was wearing.

“You know, I think that’s harder than the morning wood you were trying to cover up, Patty.” 

“Uh, I don’t know w-”

“If it makes you listen and you like it, we might have to give you this little treat more often, Master…”

I could feel my ears burning. “T-that’s not-!”

“Oh, I love when you get all flustered. Now, you said those handcuffs weren’t comfortable, right?”

“I-I…” I was struggling to calm down, knowing that I couldn’t hide anything from her like this. “Um, yeah…”

“Okay, I’ve got something nice and comfortable for you here.” She dug around in the box she’d set on the table for a minute before taking out a bundle of olive green rope and holding it up. “Don’t mind the dye job, I kinda just did it as a joke. Reeeeeal soft cotton for your delicate wrists, though.”

“C-could I just stay untied?”

“Oh, no. You earned your punishment, bitch bo- Master. Besides, between your reaction before and the face you’re making now, it looks like you want this anyway.”

W-was I making a weird face? I mean, I’d seen stuff where the girl ties up the guy before and I hadn’t hated it or anything, but… this was making me nervous. B-besides, real life was different, right? Aha… 

“Alright, you’ve got a minute to stretch. Then, you’re gonna put your hands behind your back for me, right?”

I nodded almost unintentionally. I rubbed my wrists and started going through the arm stretches she’d had me do when we went to the gym together. I’d felt like I should have at least put up some kind of resistance, but… The way she was acting and looking at me was strangely compelling. Maybe… was she right about me wanting this?

I at least knew she’d be pleased when I did what she’d told me to. T-that’s right! This was for her, not me. She let out a contented sigh when I turned my back to her and nervously put my wrists together.

She hadn’t been lying about the rope being soft. She pulled my forearms parallel to each other, but the rope didn’t bite into my skin when she wrapped it around my wrists and tightened it. 

As she made a few more passes around my chest and over my shoulders, she pressed her chest against my back, reminding me that I was letting my maid do this to me. It was starting to get hard to tell what was her holding me and what was rope.

I made an… admittedly unmanly sound when Zoe gave my ear a playful bite.

“Ooooh? Moaning like a girl already, huh Patty?”

“P-please don’t call me that…”

“Couldn’t make me even if you wanted to.” Grabbing onto the harness she’d tied around my upper body, she jerked me forward and back, using the rope as a handle. “I’m done. Comfy?”

I tried squirming, but found I could hardly move my arms at all. That said, my arms being bent naturally behind me was a much more comfortable position than I’d just been in, and it wasn’t biting in like the steel did…

Zoe closed in and fixed my glasses for me. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ if you aren’t complaining. You know, I just realised this is probably a nice learning experience for you. You’re going to have to rely on me for everything like that.”

“U-um… you weren’t trying to make me learn in the first place?”

“Oh, no.” The elf used a finger to lift my chin and have me look her in the eye. “Do you want to know a secret?”

“…O-okay?”

“I’ve just been thinking you’d look pretty damn cute all tied up, so I was just looking for a good excuse…” 

I blushed a little more and struggled against the ropes harder. “U-um, I…”

“And how flustered you get is just the icing on the cake.” She purred, pulling me in for another kiss. This time it was brief and confident.

Sliding a finger under a rope around my chest, Zoe started dragging me toward the living room.

“Now why don’t we watch something, since you won’t decide, hmm?”

“O-okay, but you don’t need to pull me…”

“Oh, no. You’re mine the whole day. You should be glad I don’t have you on a leash, Master.

I closed my mouth as fast as I could before I got myself into anything worse. 

“Although I’m really starting to think you might like that…” She said, turning back to give me a menacing grin. 



I didn’t even resist as she dragged me into the living room, slinging me down onto the couch like a sack of potatoes. 

“Ow. Come on, you don’t have to throw me around like that…”

“Ah, ah, ah. You said you wouldn’t complain. Besides, I’m having fun.”

I sighed. At least she was having fun. I wasn’t. That would be weird. I mean really, who would get aroused just because their maid tied them up and was dragging them around like a misbehaving sex doll? Not me. Haha. Ha…

Zoe plopped herself down beside me and threw a leg over my lap. “So what I was thinkin’ was…”

I tried to ignore the fact that one of those thighs I’d been staring at so much was currently resting on my er… unmentionables. “Y-yeah?”

“Well, remember how you said you stayed up late just watching TV and doing paperwork the other night?” 

“Y-yeah… I was watching this really good documentary about-”

“Oh yeah? You know, you said you were watching something else last time… Oh, was it that one documentary you really like about the boys who get locked up in a prison at their school and then the girls bully them?”

“F- n-no!”

“You suuuuure? You seemed to really like it, considering you have the blu-rays and the manga… Oh, wasn’t one of those figures you had from there? It was the dominatrix-looking one, right?”

I squirmed, but I couldn’t really move my arms. “N-uh… I-it’s not like that…”

“Oh, isn’t it? Oh, was it the documentary that’s just a few minutes of close-ups of girls wearing tights? Legs are kind of your speed, after all.” She rubbed her thigh against me, but just subtly enough that I wasn’t sure if she’d done it on purpose.

“Nnn… I don’t know where you’re getting all this from, haha…”

“You know, I made sure to do my research, Patty. I know your preferences, so you don’t need to be shy. Besides, you should be able to watch anime wherever you want in your own damn house, right?”

I… didn’t think she was buying the denials. “O-Okay! I… fine! Whatever.”

She patted me on the head condescendingly and stood up. “Good. I’ll get something for us to watch. Maybe I’ll fold some laundry, too. Now don’t run off or I’ll have to make sure you can’t, Master.”


“I keep you waiting?”

A few minutes later, I jumped when I heard Zoe’s voice. I’d been struggling to grab hold of a knot that was just out of my reach the whole time she’d been gone in some vain hope that I could free myself. “Uh, not really…”

She set down a stack of DVDs from my room on the coffee table and turned out a laundry basket onto the couch. A few pieces of camouflage clothing and a pair of particularly lacy panties fell onto my legs.  

“Whoop- Ah, shit. Those are, uh… Fuck. Not a word, okay?” Her face started getting a little red and she snatched the underwear off my lap, stuffing them into a pocket of her apron. 

“I… sorry? You don’t really have to be embarrassed, though.”

“Look, I’m not girly enough for shit like that. I just kinda… bought ‘em on a whim when I was drunk off my ass.” I could see her blush was spreading to her long ears, and she turned her face away from me.

“Your uniform is kind of girly, but you look good in that, though…”

“…Shut up, that’s… different.” 

“I, uh… thought they were kinda cute. Not like, a weird way, though, I just-”

“Look, would ya do me a favour and put a fuckin’ sock in i-” The elf paused abruptly and grinned. 

Oh shit, what was she planning? Why was she reaching into the pile of clothes? “U-uh, Miss Greene? What are you…”

She pulled out one of the clean socks from the laundry and held it in front of my face. “Actually, let me get that for you.”

“W-wait! I’m sorry, I just thought you’d look- p-please don’t?!” I shut my mouth as tightly as I could and tried to turn my face away as she pressed it against my lips.

Master. You know, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” She shoved me onto my back and sat on my stomach. “You can be a good boy for me and open your mouth for this perfectly clean piece of cloth, or I can hold your nose until you have to breathe, then I’ll shove one of the socks I’m wearing into your mouth.”

I made a slightly uncomfortable whine as she glared at me. 

“Alright, your choice…” 

She started slowly rolling her sock down her leg and I started to sweat. It was… kind of entrancing. S-she wasn’t serious, right?

“Last chance, Master…” 

I began to go over my life choices that led me to this point, then weighing the pros and cons in my head. On one hand (or foot) sweat was gross. On the other, it was HER sweat. Was this like an indirect kiss? God, I was thinking like an idiot.

“O… Okay…” As I slowly opened my mouth, she smiled smugly.

“Clean it is. Good boy.” She set the dirty sock aside, quickly sticking the clean sock into my open mouth, strangely to my disappointment. God, what was wrong with me? It just tasted like dry fabric!

She grinned even more at the sight of me, panting lightly as she patted my cheek. “There, now hold it there, I’m gonna get the tape…” Tape? I groaned. 

She disappeared from view for a moment, coming back with a few strips of tape that she took the time to smooth over my mouth almost agonisingly slowly.

When she was done, she leaned back a little to observe her work, biting her lip. “Well, well. I didn’t think it’d suit you this well. Actually, maybe we should keep you like this more often. I bet you’d even like it…” She wasn’t serious… was she? “You’re like a cute little bundle of twink.”

“Mmmmf…” maybe it was the fact that I was tied up or that her sock was in my mouth but I could tell she was getting pretty worked up. She was grinding her hips against me subtly and it looked like she was going to draw blood if she bit her lip any harder.

“Now what should we watch…? I’d ask for suggestions, but…” She giggled and reached over for the remote, then used it to turn on the tv. “Maybe that one anime about the dominatrix girl, hmm? Or maybe…this…one?” She held up a DVD case with several girls showing their panties and looking disgusted. “Aaah, now I see why you were so caught up on seeing my underwear.”

I shook my head quickly, maybe looking a little too desperate. It… had been a little better than I’d expected, but I’d kind of just bought it for the meme of having it. Not that she’d believe me even if I could tell her, probably… 

“You suuuuure? I noticed there’s even a maid, and I know how worked up you get about those…”

“Nnnf…”

She leaned in, kissing the tape covering my mouth before getting off me and standing up. “Oh, that’s a lot of fun… I guess we can start with something else, even if it is ho- fun watching you squirm… How’s this one?”

She picked up a random case off the table and held it up. Oh. It was Kintama. That… probably wasn’t so bad actually.

“Mmmn.”

“That mean it’s worth watching? I wanna see something you’re pretty into…”

I nodded slowly. I felt a little shy admitting to watching it still, but it kind of seemed like a good thing to watch for someone who’d never really seen anime before.

“Wonder how many cute maids are in it? Must be at least a couple, if you’re watching…” She smirked and turned to go put the disc into the player by the TV.

…Of course n- dammit. Okay, there was like one or two but I swear I didn’t mean to watch this many shows with cute maids. It just… kind of happened. 

As Zoe bent down to fiddle with the controls on the DVD player, I noticed her skirt riding up just enough to catch a glimpse of her underwear. Even from a few steps away, I could see a fairly noticeable damp spot. I hadn’t really intended to stare, but she’d clearly matched them to her maid uniform, with the black-and-white moti-

“Enjoying the view?” She noticed me looking, and had glanced back to give me a smug look. “Or would you prefer if I looked at you like you were trash?”

“Nnnf…” I shook my head.

“Good…” She slid the DVD in and walked back over to sit on the couch beside me. “Because I want to treat my little twin- Master well today.”

She undid the top few buttons of her shirt and rolled up her sleeves before she lifted my legs and set them on her lap.

“I’ll do the laundry real quick while we watch, so get comfy.”

I knew there was no getting out of this, so it was best to just focus on the TV for the time being. At least she’d been nice enough to put on something I liked while she folded laundry. 

She seemed to actually be enjoying the show, laughing every once in a while and looking like she was actually into it. She shifted my legs every once in a while, but it didn’t really seem like she was doing anything in particular when I glanced in her direction the first few times. After the first episode ended, she started to hum to herself as she went, her grin growing more and more with each passing minute. I could tell she had to be planning something or… something, but I didn’t know what it could be. 

…Not that I could have stopped her even without my hands tied behind my back. Those muscles weren’t just for show.

“There.” Zoe patted my thigh. “Laundry’s done. And so is this.” She lifted my legs up, drawing my attention to them. She had somehow managed to tie my legs together with a rope done in an intricate pattern that matched the rest of my bindings.

I squirmed a little in the new ropes, but the elf easily held me down. “Ah, ah, ah. I just thought I should finish the look for you. Why don’t you think of this like escape training in case some of those terrorists come around again? I mean, I’m not going to help you, but…” I got the lingering feeling that in the event that I was captured by terrorists they wouldn’t be teasing me… or wearing a maid outfit…. 

“Mmm!” There was no way in hell I was going to worm my way out of this and she knew it. She was definitely getting off on this, no doubt. I couldn’t see clearly, but it looked like she was moving her hand around under her skirt. I didn’t want to admit it, but… it wasn’t like this wasn’t exciting. Sort of. 

“What to do? What. To. Do~” She tapped her chin playfully. “All tied up and nowhere to go~ Not that you seem to mind any…” 

Uh oh… her eyes were slowly drifting down from mine with her grin growing, and her once-playful expression was turning to a more hungry one. She turned me onto my side and slid behind me.

“Aww, you know, you really oughta do something about that…” She ran a finger up my dick teasingly slowly.

“Mmmmf!” I writhed in the ropes fruitlessly, trying to get away or… something. I wasn’t trying to lean in to it or something. Aha…

“Oh, right. You look a little tied up right now… Does my little Patty need some help?” She slid a hand up my shirt and rubbed my chest. “I wouldn’t want you to get uncomfortable.” A little late for that, if you asked me.

“Mmmmf…” I didn’t even know what I was trying to say any more. I just… felt like I should make some kind of noise or something. It seemed as though like she liked it, because she pulled me a little closer.

I trembled a little when she got so close to my ear I could feel her breath. “Let me get that for you, Master. Don’t worry, I’ll do a better job than you did, and you can even let it out wherever you want this time.”

I strained hard enough against my bindings that the rope bit into my skin. I… it wasn’t like I hated the thought of her touching me, but it was hard not to squirm when she was being so teasingly gentle. 

“Aww,” she said, lightly tugging on my underwear. “I didn’t know you’d get so excited over little old me, Patty. You’re practically begging for this, aren’t you?”

She slid a finger into the waistband of my boxers and started pulling them down almost agonisingly slowly. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was deliberately torturing herself with this pace, almost like she was trying to hide her own eagerness. With one final tug everything came loose, bringing my dick into full view.  

I expected another teasing remark or even a mocking giggle, but instead she made a sound halfway between a gasp and a purr. “Well look at you…” 

She pressed herself against me tightly, her lips touching the nape of my neck. It was surprisingly gentle compared to the previous teasing actions thus far. It wasn’t until I felt something somewhat stiff press against my thigh that my heart skipped a beat. She must have sensed this and proceeded to grind against me, further pushing the bulge against my thighs as sweat started to roll down my face. I had seen her in her underwear maybe once or twice but…but I think I would have noticed THAT. I…wouldn’t I?

“Ah~” Zoe let out a soft gasp in my ear. “Seems like I forgot something…important~” She whispered, reaching between us and firmly gripping it. Oh no. Nononononono. I was going to become a twink-kebab for a fit elf maid, and at this point I had no power to stop her. I tried to squirm, roll or do anything I could to get away. She was cute, but I didn’t want something up my butt on the first d- Wait, no! I wasn’t into dicks! There was even all that time I spent making fun of futafags online! 

A moment of desperate struggle later, she pulled a bundled pair of socks from between us and tossed it into the basket on the floor. “Sorry ‘bout that, Master. Must’ve forgotten about those when I was doing the laundry. Now then, where were we?” She’d almost given me a fucking heart attack.

My muffled grunt of protest was cut off when she wrapped her hand around my dick, sending shivers up my spine while her thumb pressed against the tip. I watched her excitement grow with every twitch it made in her grasp.

“Shhh, shhhh… It’s okay… I just thought it would be cute to see you panic some more.”

I wiggled angrily, still annoyed that she’d gotten me that good. “Mmmf!”

She lazily gave my dick a few strokes before she stopped. “You know, you’re struggling a lot, Master. You can’t pretend you’re not liking this, but… I suppose I at least owe you this.” Zoe peeled the tape back slowly and pulled the already-damp sock from my mouth. “I’ll give you three seconds to say you don’t want this, but after that I’m not going to stop myself. One…”

Oh god, this was happening now. Shit. Okay. I wasn’t expecting to have to make the decision so fast. …Did I want her to stop? I felt like I should have said yes, but my body was obviously saying something else…

“Two…”

FUCK! She was still counting down. C’mon. Good decisions. Stopping is the right decision. This is getting out of control and we haven’t even talked about this, and I mean, she even kissed me and now we’re just going so fast… Come on, just say “no.” Easy. One syllable.

“K-keep going…” 

God fucking dammit.

“That’s what I thought.” Zoe said proudly before shoving the sock back into my mouth and continuing to jerk me off. This time, I didn’t make any noise or effort to stop her. This was my fault. I don’t think a man in the world could have told her to stop this far in.

She had me just about to cum when her attention was drawn to some muffled sound coming from one of my pockets. She reached in and pulled out my phone. 

“-~been around that track, so it’s not gonna happen like that, ‘cause I ain’t no hollabac-” 

She gave me quite a look and I could only shrug. It came with the phone and I was tired of the default tone, so I figured I’d change it to something interesting. I mean, the alternative was that one Loonieback song, and I mean come on, Loonieback? I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to that.

She answered the phone, sad that only 90s kids would remember. “Hello?”

“Greene?” Izzy’s voice fed through the speakers. “Why do you have the twi- I mean Patrick’s phone?”

“Oh he’s a little-” she glanced at me and grinned, “tied up at the moment~” 

There was a long, pregnant pause. “…You didn’t.”

“Whaaaaat? I have no idea what you mean with that tone, Banno.” Zoe looked like she was trying not to burst out laughing. “Anyway, what’d you need?”

“I… Whatever. ” Izzy seemed to buy it. “No big deal if he hasn’t, but I wanted to ask him if he’d done some review work on one of the other guys’ reports. Investors are being pricks and comin’ like two weeks ahead of schedule, so I was gonna see if it was finished.” 

“Y’know? I don’t really know, to be perfectly honest.” She gave me a wry look. “Why don’t you come on over and ask him yourself?” 

…This elf was going to kill me. I fervently shook my head while trying to make as little noise as possible. 

“You sure?” I heard Izzy ask. I shook my head again.

“Oh yeah, just come right over. Door’s unlocked and everything!” Oh, she was enjoying this so much! “It’s the big place on Brock, still. See ya when ya get here!”

She’d barely hung up before I started to try and get her attention, writhing and shouting into the gag. S-she was going to let me go before Izzy got here, right? My head still felt hazy from being so close to cumming, but… I had to do something!

“Aww, what’s wrong? Feeling embarrassed?”

“Mmmf!” I nodded my head as vigorously as I could. 

“Good! You’re so much cuter that way!” Her grip was starting to slide down the shaft as she peppered my neck with kisses, leading to my collarbone and shoulder. Was she trying to finish me off before Izzy got here? That fucking madwoman!

One by one, I felt her fingers wrap around the base of my shaft, her kisses turning to nibbles as she continued to trail her mouth down my body. She stopped at my belly button, laying on her side so she could languidly stroke my cock.

“You know, you could avoid the situation entirely… How about you cum 3 times before she gets here, and I’ll let you go?” Zoe grinned, slapping my dick between her breasts and giggling.

Oh god. Oh fuck. Okay, no need to panic. I just have to… try to cum. Yeah, mind over matter. I can do this. I do it all the time, right? I began to squirm in my bindings and writhe against her, trying to do something, anything to speed up the process.

“Yessss, that’s the face right there. Keep that expression and I’ll reward you!” She crooned, her face practically glowing with how worked up she was getting. Her strokes were getting sloppy, which at least meant she might actually let me go if I just did as she said. I don’t know what kind of twisted face I was making, but… she liked it so I tried to maintain it.

Zoe leaned next to my face and gave my ear a playful nibble. “Look at you, such putty in my hands already. I haven’t even begun to give this any effort. Are you really that eager to follow a woman’s orders?” I shivered as her hot breath tickled my ear and her hand started to constrict my shaft tighter.

No… she wasn’t…

“Let’s see, what else can I make you do?” Zoe mock-wondered before obviously coming up with something. “Ahh, I know! I’ll see if you can cum on command. You wouldn’t want to disappoint me, right? No, of course not. You’re such an adorable little doormat, aren’t you?” She stopped squeezing me so hard and began to lightly dance her fingers along my twitching cock. It was honestly so tender that it felt even more unbearable than her sloppy handjob. I could feel my cum shoot up, and knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold back any longer.

“Threeeeee… two… Oh, looks li- Jesus Christ, Master!”

I could barely hear her over the mind-numbing orgasm I had. After the first few jets, I felt her hand stop touching me, and as I looked down I could see that she had managed to avoid getting any cum on her clothes, but she was otherwise quite a mess.

“H-heh…” Zoe stared at it for a minute, her face still burning red. She seemed to be impressed and shocked, but mostly curious. “..D-damn, Patty. That’s pretty… impressive.” She looked me in the eye, watching for my reaction as she slowly licked the cum off her fingers. 

Just then, I heard the doorbell ring and nearly jumped. Dammit, that was fast! Way too fast! “Mmmf! Mnmhf…” 

Zoe stood up and grinned at me before she pulled up my underwear. “Ooooh, dang. Out of time. Guess you’ll just have to be quiet, Master.”

Wait, no! She tossed a blanket over me before I had the time to protest or do anything more. Please tell me this wasn’t her only plan to hide me from Izzy. …She was going to hide me from Izzy…right?

Oh, god. I could hear her voice getting closer. “Ah, yeah, sorry about the trouble. I know you booked him off for today so you could have him take a break, but-” their steps stop and there was a moment of quiet in the conversation. “…Uh, he around? Shouldn’t take too long and I can leave you two alone.”

Oh no. Shit. Oh god. This was her whole plan, wasn’t it? We were going to get caught at this rate. I tried to stay as still as I could, keeping my breathing shallow and quiet. If we got caught, my career was probably as good as over, and even if it wasn’t, I’d probably wish it was. I didn’t want to think about the kind of disgusted looks I’d get at work, to say nothing of the fact that it was going to be my partner who was going to see what I freak I was. She’d never believe it was Zoe’s idea, and even if she did… Didn’t I just let it happen?

No use panicking. Haha. She was going to smooth this all over, right? I’d gone out or I was too busy to talk, or… maybe she’d just get the paper from my desk upstairs? I’d wanted to give it one last read-through this morning, but it was basically done, so if she just gave that to Izzy, we’d be safe a-

Zoe cleared her throat and spoke up. “Yeah, dunno where he is. You just want to wait here or something?”

“Oh, I…”

“Ah, come on. We can catch up. Want something to drink?”

The oni hesitated a little before sighing. “Yeah, fuck it. Could I get some coffee?”

“Done deal. Grab a chair and I’ll go get it.” 

Fortunately Izzy didn’t sit on the couch beside me, but as it was, she had almost certainly sat down on one of the chairs that was more or less facing me. 

“Quite the fuckin’ maid now, huh?”

I could hear Zoe laugh from the kitchen. “Ah, fuck off. Colonel hired me and wouldn’t just let me wear my old uniform.”

“Pff. No shit. He really pick a maid uniform for you, though?”

“Ah, it was just my job title when he hired me, so I put one on to fuck around with him and he said it looked good on me.” 

“Ha! He was right, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d go for something girly like that. It’s pretty hot.”

Zoe came back into the room and set a pair of cups on the coffee table before tossing herself down on the couch beside me. “Ah, fuck off, homo. I know your game.”

Izzy took a big sip of coffee. “Takes one to know one, pointy.”

There was a tense moment before both girls burst out laughing. I’d… kind of been worried they were going to fight or something.

“Drives Pat up the wall, though. You should see how often he’s staring at my thighs when I get all gussied up like this.”

“Don’t blame him. How is he at home, by the way? I know he’s got the whole workaholic thing goin’ for him on the job.”

The elf shifted a little, resting an arm on me. “Ah, you know. It was pretty different at first, havin’ such a little twink around the house, but I’d say we’re-” She leaned on me a bit harder. “…bonding.”

I had to resist the urge to groan. 

“Oh yeah? Knowin’ you, you’d probably whip him into shape pretty fast.”

“Ha. Well, you know me, Banno. Kinda pisses me off that he can’t shoot or anything, but I’m trying to show him the ropes.” …She was really trying to make this hard for me, wasn’t she? “…Honestly kind of proud of how well he handled that terrorist thing I was tellin’ you about the other day, though. Didn’t scream or anything, so we just kinda got it handled off the cuffs.”

I heard Izzy shift a little in her seat. “No shit. Call me if you need a hand, hey?”

“I’ll keep it in mind. He seems pretty pleased to just get a hand from me, though. I’m hopin’ we don’t have to deal with our pals from the sandbox again, but who fuckin’ knows with those guys.”

“…Yeah.” The oni took another big sip of her coffee and leaned back. “Well, with you around, he’s bound to get his shit sorted out, huh?”

“Oh, yeah. I just have to be enough of a pain in his ass that he works things out. I’m bettin’ he’ll be a quick learner.”

The two women sat in silence for a minute before Izzy spoke up again. “…I’m runnin’ out of puns, Greene.”

“Yeah, me too. Maaan, I wonder what’s under this pile of laundry…” Zoe yanked the blanket off of the top of me so quickly my eyes needed to adjust to the light for a second.

 Wait, no! Nononononononono! Izzy could see me and-

“Oh, Master! There you are! My, who could have done this to you?” The elf patted my thigh condescendingly and grinned. 

“Mmmmhf!” Fuck, I had to… I strained against my bonds fruitlessly for a moment before slumping a little. There was nothing I could do. My life was as good as over.

Izzy punched Zoe playfully in the shoulder. “Little escape trainin’ on your day off, huh Pat? Working hard as usual, I see.”

W-wait, she didn’t…?

Izzy squatted down and pulled at the ropes wrapping around my body here and there. “…What’d you gag him with?”

“Clean sock from when I was doing laundry and some gun tape. Shoulda seen his face when I threatened to use a dirty one if he didn’t open his mouth.” Zoe giggled a little.

“Ha. Noticed you’re still using that old rope we picked up at the hardware store by the base.”

“Ah, why not? I figured I should start out my cute lil’ twink with something soft.”

“Aaaah, probably a good call.” Izzy grabbed her coffee and sat back down. “Well… legs are pretty good, but that’s a pretty sloppy box tie on his arms, there. I can tell you’re out of practice.”

Zoe sighed and leaned on me a little. “Yeaaaaah… Not easy to practice like the legs.”

“…Mmmmh…” I grunted a little, hoping to get their attention. I had no idea what was going on.

The elf rubbed my leg and looked over to Izzy. “Well, you ready for me to ungag him, Banno? Looks like he’s gonna explode if he doesn’t get to talk soon.”

“Hmmm… Seems like a shame with how cute he looks wearing it, but I guess.”

“No kiddin’. Alright, Master, up you go.” Zoe sat me up and pulled me onto her lap. “You ready? I’m gonna take the tape off now.”

“Mmmmn…” This was going to hurt, wasn’t i-

OW.

Zoe ripped the tape off of my mouth in one quick pull, probably leaving a red mark where it had been.

She held her hand up to my mouth. “Alright, spit out the sock for me, Patty.”

I didn’t spit so much as lean my face forward and try to let gravity do the work, but it just wasn’t coming out. I shook my head and pushed my tongue into the sock a little, my face heating up from how awkward this was becoming. Finally, Zoe patted my back and it fell to the floor. 

She tossed the sock over by the laundry and petted my hair gently. “Good boy. Gonna have to wash that again, though.” I sat with a sore jaw and a dry mouth for a few seconds, unable to speak, but enjoying the feeling of being able to breathe properly again. My maid kissed me on the cheek before she spoke up. “Water?”

I just nodded my head, still a little dazed. A water bottle was held up to my lips and I drank greedily for a few seconds before I felt normal enough to speak again. “I… what?”

The girls smirked simultaneously before Izzy straightened up and made a poor attempt at a straight face. “Now, Mr. Novak, I was hoping I could speak to you on the matter of that report… Our investors are being a right bunch of pricks and are going to be hoping for an initial draft tomorrow.”

“Y-yeah… uh… it’s pretty much done, but it’s upstairs, and…” I looked down at my thoroughly-tied legs. 

Zoe gave my neck a teasing kiss and I twitched. “I’ll get it for her when she leaves, Master. Don’t you worry.”

The three of us sat in silence for an awkward moment.

“I’m gonna guess you’re wonderin’ why I’m not even asking?” Izzy inquired.

“Uh, yeah…”

“Well, me and Greene were in the army for more than a couple years, as you know. Bit of a clam jam, so everyone’s sittin’ around horny as fuck. I was police back then, so I get a call one day for some elf corporal who’s tryin’ to beat the shit out of some gal from signals who called her gay.” 

Zoe chimed in with a huff. “And I’m fuckin’ not. She had it comin’.” 

“So anyway, I take your maid back to the lockup in cuffs because the other girl was on the ground bleeding but she still wouldn’t lay off. It was hot as balls, so tempers were kinda high, but at least it meant I got to restrain some cuties. Oh yeah, I mostly like girls, by the way. Dream job.”

“Uh… okay…”

“So anyway, I shove this 8.5/10 elf into a cell and we’re both getting bored, since she’s not getting put in front of the disciplinary committee until the next day. I mean, I always offered to spank the cute ones for ‘em, but they always said that was ‘unprofessional’ and ‘a court marshalable offence,’ so I laid off. Anyway, bored as shit, cute girl, so I get to talkin’. Everyone’s horny as fuck and loopy because of the heat, so we immediately get sidetracked onto fetish shit.”

“Hot tip, Patty. She always gets onto fetish shit.”

“From the girl who tied up her boss and probably jerked him off. Anyway, turns out that she was kinda into bondage, which happens to be my area of expertise. I’d known her for like half an hour before I could smell the bisexual-in-denial fumes on h-”

I’m not fuckin’ gay, Izzy!” Zoe yelled.

“Aww, you used my first name. Man, the last time I heard that, I think I had my tongue in your pussy, and you were super into it.”

“Shut the fuck up, you know that was just… horny soldier shit. Not gay.”

Aaaanyway, so I take her back to my room once she gets her slap on the wrist and we start fuckin’ around with ropes, one thing leads to another, and suddenly it felt so wrong, it felt so right, and we were tying each other up and fucking every once in a while. Now Ms. Greene insisted we weren’t dating, so we mostly played around when she went too far and I had to arrest her one of the three fuckin’ million times that I got a call about her.”

“I did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah, sure. We weren’t like, super into the whole fucking thing because both of us like tying cuties up, not so much getting tied, but hey, you put up with it and wait for your turn. There was that one girl you brought back with you once, though. Now that was fun.”

“Heh. Yeah…”

“So I guess long story short, I taught her most of the bondage stuff she’s doing on you. Rope’s even from back then, too. I think it’s just the three of us it’s been used on, unless miss maid’s been busy since I’ve seen her…”

“…Nah. This is the first time I’ve had some fun in forever. Been busy and all that.”

“Damn, RIP. Well, I should probably get back to the office, unless you two want me to stay for anything…”

“Ah, scoot. I can’t give him a test ride if you’re here. Lemme grab those papers for you.”

“Oh, fair enough. Lemme know if you need to borrow any of my… equipment.”

Zoe smiled a particularly worrying smile. “Oh, I think I’ve got a few things more to test out before any of that.”


After a few minutes, Zoe walked back into the living room and stretched a little. “Aaah. Good to talk with her, but I couldn’t wait for her to leave. How are you doing, Patty?”

“I… I’m okay. I wasn’t really expecting all that, and after you did, uh…”

“After I did what, Master?

“You, uh…” I wiggled a little in the ropes. “…G-got me off.”

Zoe licked her lips hungrily. “You know, you said you’d do whatever I wanted, right?”

“Y-yeah…”

I think it’s time you paid me back.”

I gulped. I… I guess we were really doing this. “…Okay. I, uh, I can’t really move my hands, though, so-”

“Oh, you won’t be needing to.” Zoe’s skirt slid off and fell to the floor, leaving her in those cute, maid-themed panties I’d seen before. “Drink it in, cutie. They’re coming off, too.”

The elf posed a little before she alluringly slid her underwear down her legs and flung them into the same place as her skirt. I could hardly tear my eyes away from her strong, toned legs, with that little bit of a tan line where her exercise spats sat… that little bit of trimmed pubic hair was… wow. 

She was nearly panting by the time she had walked over to me. She’d hardly waited a second before she set my glasses aside and tossed a leg over me, then pressed my face between her thighs. I… couldn’t say that I hadn’t fantasised about this once or twice before. I hadn’t been tied up when I’d been imagining it, but…

I decided that I’d come this far, so I should just go for it. I couldn’t quite reach any higher, so I gave her thigh a testing lick.

Zoe almost squealed, grabbing my hair. “O-oh, fuck! Good boy…”

She slowly lowered herself onto my face, subtly rubbing her vulva against me and coating my mouth with a layer of love nectar.  

I felt the grip she had on my hair tighten while burying my nose into her pubic mound My tongue flicked across her labia, continuing to go back and forth until I felt her shudder. 

She started to gently rock her hips against my tongue, pulling my face a little closer. “Ah… Just like that.” She said softly, running her fingers through my hair and throwing her head back as I increased my efforts. I must have been doing a decent job judging by how often her thighs tightened around my head or by her occasional moans.

After a few minutes of this, she pulled herself off my face, a mixture of elf juice and saliva connecting us. “Alright, Patty. Don’t you move. Just let me do aaaalll the work.” Zoe said before crawling down my body so that her pussy was now hovering just above my erection. “…Wait.”

“Um… Was that an order, or…?”

“…Shut up. I… want your hands untied for the first time, at least.”

Zoe wrapped her arms around me and fumbled for a bit before she’d managed to loosen the knots enough for me to pull my hands free. They felt a little tingly, but it seemed fine otherwise.

I was about to say something when she suddenly dropped onto my dick. The sensation caught me off guard and so I grabbed her hips, eliciting a sharp inhale from Zoe.

“Fuck, I untie your hands for one second and you just immediately go for it, huh…”

“I-It was just… Sorry, I’ll…”

She grabbed my hands and held them still as I tried to pull away. “I didn’t tell you to stop.”

She started slowly building up speed, bouncing on me in silence except for the occasional gasp.

“H-uh… M-Miss Greene?”

“Yeah?”

“I… c-could you, uh… I don’t want to make this weird, but…” I hesitated before continuing. “Could you… t-talk dirty to me?”

Zoe looked confused for a second. “Oh. Uh, y-yeah, I can do that. One sec.” She looked around a little, like she was trying to find inspiration. She cleared her throat and looked down at me. “Yeah, uh… you like that, you fucking retard?”

I grinned, suppressing the urge to laugh. Her cheeks burned brightly and she huffed indignantly. “Shut up! I don’t usually talk when I fuck!” 

She bounced a little harder now as she vented her frustration, pinning my shoulders down and leaning in close. She had a playful fierceness in her eyes as she slammed down once more and stayed there, swaying her hips.

I gasped, biting my lip and trying not to make too girlish of a noise. That seemed to reignite her usual vigor. “Was that a moan, Patty?” She panted, grinding faster now. “Ah, f- which one of us is the woman here?” 

I slid my hands up her sides, dragging my thumbs across her toned belly. There were so many scars littering her stomach. I found myself so lost in them that I didn’t notice that she wasn’t swaying her hips anymore.

“I… I can cover up if-” Her eyes desperately avoided mine. “If…you want…?” Was that embarrassment? I remembered that comment she made a while back about not looking like ‘normal’ girls.

“No, I like it this way.” I said softly, tracing some of the scars with my fingers. She closed her eyes as I did so, and I could almost feel her trembling under my touch. “I… kind of like it.”

She opened her eyes and stared at me in surprise. “What? How the fuck is all…” she gestured vaguely to her stomach and arms, covered in various scars of all shapes and sizes. “All this not ugly to you?” She snapped.

I smiled up at her, resting my hands on her thighs. “I dunno. Maybe I’m weird, but I like them. Shows how tough you are and…it makes me feel…safe, or something…” I finished in a small voice, looking away as the cheesiness of what I just said started to sink in.

She just stared at me with that wide-eyed look. Was it disbelief? Disgust? Shock? Finally she let out a sigh and slowly laid down on top of me, wrapping her arms around my neck while slowly rolling her hips.

“You are too fuckin’ cute y’know that, Master?” She almost mumbled to herself as she buried her face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around her lower back, keeping her firmly pressed against me as she began bobbing her hips in a slow rhythmic motion. Hearing her moan and gasp right in my ear was probably the single most erotic thing I had ever experienced.

“Mis… I think I’m gonna…”

She nearly panted with excitement, speeding up. “Gonna w-what, Master?”

“I’m…g-gonna cum!”

“Do it! Inside me, Master! Don’t you dare pull out I swear to fuck!” She almost violently pulled me into a kiss, one hand gripping the hair on the back of my head to keep me locked in, the other snaking its way down my back and pushing me against her firmly. We were so close that I could feel her heart thundering against my chest. 

She gradually released her grip on me and began to relax, slumping against me as we lay there panting and sweating. This must have been what they called the afterglow. Just laying there with her felt so… right. Even if we were a bit sweaty… and sticky…


I was still a little light-headed after how rough Zoe had been, but thankfully she half-carried me into the bathroom. She had said that I needed to take a bath after what we did, unless I wanted to stink like sex and have rope burn. Honestly, I just wanted to relax. It had been fun in its own way but… I was surprised at how exhausting not moving had been.

“Just toss your clothes over there with mine.” Zoe said, gesturing to a pile near the door, her uniform laying in a heap at the top. I absentmindedly nodded my head and stripped. I looked back and saw Zoe standing behind me, the only thing covering her being a towel. She wasn’t looking at me and was instead pointing at the tub. “Shut up. Get in.”

“But-”

“Now.” She left no room for debate as I quickly but carefully got into the tub. I let out a sigh of content when the hot water hit my sore body. Zoe approached the tub and dipped her hand in, nodding as if in approval. “Good enough…” 

A second later, she climbed in behind me, resting her arms on the outer rim of the tub with her legs on either side of me. We sat like that for a while as the steam filled the air, with me being too scared to say anything and her simply not speaking.

I don’t know how long we were like that but eventually I felt her wrap her arms around my chest, pulling me closer to her. Her arms were stiff, though, like she wasn’t used to this kind of thing. I did the only thing I could do and simply leaned into her, opting to just enjoy the moment as the warmth washed over me. Her arms began to relax and soon I felt her chin rest on top of my head.

After a few minutes of silence Zoe spoke up. 

“Hey, Master…”

“Mmn?” 

“Ya did good…” She said in a quiet voice, rubbing my chest as she sat there. She seemed to be paying extra close attention to the marks left by the rope, moving from my chest, to my arms, then to my shoulders. It took her massaging them for me to realize how sore they were. I practically melted into her, much to her enjoyment as she nuzzled into my messy hair. 

After a while, I spoke up. “This is… nice.” 

“Good. It’s supposed to be nice. I was… kinda rough with you.” Kinda? Well, I guess it hadn’t been so bad. I mean, after all, I was in a tub playing little spoon to my fit elf maid. This must be life throwing me a bone after all the swirlies and wedgies I got in highschool. 

“And to think, this is only the beginning…” She purred in my ear. “Haven’t even busted out the strapon yet.” I jumped at the mention, making her giggle and nuzzle into my neck. “Kidding, doofus. I probably won’t do that to you.” I breathed a sigh of relief. 

“I’m just glad everything turned out alright…” I sighed, slumping against her. She chuckled and wrapped her arms around me, reclining a bit and bringing me with her as the water came up to my neck. 

“We gotta work on your stamina.” She remarked.

“I-is that really a problem?”

“Master, we are going to be doing it a LOT, ok? You need to be able to keep up.” She replied, shifting a bit so that her knees poked out of the water. “We’re gonna need to amp up your workout.” 

Oh fuck, now I’d done it. I’d already been exhausted enough after the first go around, and now she was going to do more? 

“Oh relax.” She purred, possibly sensing my distress. “We can start you off small.”


I woke up fairly slowly the next morning. Zoe had planned our little, um… day on a Friday, so I didn’t have to be in any particular rush to get out of bed. That said, I was… sort of disappointed she hadn’t woken me up. Yesterday had been the first day, but… it was kind of nice. I managed to drag myself out of bed, much to my own dismay.

After getting dressed and brushing my teeth, I meandered downstairs and… nothing. Hmm. I got myself a bowl of cereal, hoping I wasn’t going to get an earful about eating right and letting her do the dishes later. 

A few minutes later I’d finished eating. Still nothing.

Maybe she just wanted space? I… felt a little nervous, though. There was the whole… thing yesterday, and we never really talked about… 

What if something had happened to her? I couldn’t know for sure if that terrorist lady from before had come back, or… what if there were more of them?! Zoe could need my help, or she could be hurt, or…!

Mustering up my courage, I grabbed one of the kitchen knives and clutched it close to my chest. I had no idea what I was doing, but I didn’t really know how to use a gun or anything, even if I’d had one with me. Surely I could at least do something with a pointy object, if worst came to worst. 

I tried to move through the house quietly, hoping I could get the jump on whatever had probably gotten my maid. I checked a few rooms at random before I realised I should probably check her bedroom first. I hadn’t really been there, but I was vaguely aware it was tucked off in a corner near the armoury. 

As I approached, I could hear a voice. Bingo. I leaned in and pressed my ear against the door to try and figure out what I was getting into before I burst in.

“Aaaaaaaah, fuck! Goddammit. Fuckin’… shit. Why’d I fucking do that?”

That was definitely Zoe. It… mostly just sounded like she was pacing, though.

“Okay. Shit. Get it together, Greene. What are you gonna…” There was a long pause followed by a frustrated shout. “…Why’d I fuckin’ invite Banno over to see that shit, too?!

Was she talking about yesterday? My face flushed red at the memory but I quickly shook it away and listened more closely. 

“Oh fuuuuck. I am so fucked. DAMNIT!” Wow. She was in a mood. I guess it was a good thing I hadn’t just barged in. “I’m so fucking fired! He must think I’m a freak or something, I just know it! I fuckin’ tied him up and… Goddammit, you do stupid shit every fucking time you’re horny, Greene!”

I decided I should probably say something. I was a little worried she’d shoot the door or something if I startled her, so I set the kitchen knife aside and tried to knock as gently as I could. “U-um… Miss Greene? Is everything okay?”

I still heard her jump a little. “Fuck! Uh… shit. Fuckin’… coming.” There was a rustling for a second, then she cracked open the door enough for me to see her nervous face. “Uh… fancy meetin’ you here…”

“…I live h- Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah… Why?” I could clearly tell she was trying not to meet my eyes, looking very interested in the door frame. “This mahogany?” She asked, touching the wood.

“Uh… you tell me? Listen, I… kind of caught a little of what you were saying, and-” I was cut off when the door slammed shut in my face. 

Oh.

“M… Miss Greene?” To be honest, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I… hadn’t thought she’d be upset about what had happened yesterday, or even why exactly she was. It… was kind of weird for me too, but… 

Silence. 

I had to think of something. What if I…

I was surprised again when Zoe’s bedroom door swung open and she stepped out. There… had clearly been an attempt, but she obviously wasn’t doing well. The buttons on her shirt were in the wrong holes, her leggings weren’t the same length, and her shirt was only partially tucked in, to say nothing of the fact I could smell the alcohol on her breath. 

“Are… you sure you’re alright? You seem kinda-”

“Kinda what?” she snapped.

“N-nothing…”

“…Sorry. Breakfast?” 

“I… already had a little, but if you’re going to make something…”

“Dammit. Okay, coffee?”

“Sure!” I tried to sound upbeat and smile, but I think I just came off as weird, judging by the look she gave me. 

“…‘Kay. Go siddown and I’ll bring it to you.”

I decided to drag my laptop down to the living room in the vain hope it would make it less awkward to talk to her if I wasn’t at a desk like it was an interview or something. A few minutes later, she returned with the usual tray and placed a glass of orange juice next to me. 

“Wait, fuck… I said I was gonna get you coffee. Lemme-”

“Oh, no no, it’s okay! I’d, uh… I prefer this anyway.”

Zoe slapped her forehead irritably. “Shit. He doesn’t like coffee. You’re fuckin’ supposed to know this…”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem a little, uh…” Drunk? Distraught? I’d never really seen her make a mistake, and I didn’t think she drank that much. There was that first time I’d met her, but she seemed like she was just trying to mourn or something.

“Fine. Just… don’t worry, okay? You have enough problems of your own.”

“I don’t wanna press you or anything, but… can we talk?”

The maid visibly cringed and turned away. “No! Uh… no. I’ve gotta go do… maid things. See you later.”

…I was going to have to wait her out, wasn’t I? 

It had been hours and I still hadn’t been able to make any progress. I’d asked for a few things at random just so she wouldn’t be hiding so much, but she’d been as curt as she could every time. Even at lunch she just set out a plate and skittered away before I could say much of anything. And that was to say nothing about how many mistakes she’d been making. 

I… couldn’t just leave it like that and let her suffer. She wasn’t really responding to anything I could think of or even just acting normally, though. Maybe… It felt weird to even think about for someone like me, but should I just try to… take charge or something? It wasn’t like I could’ve made her talk to me less at that point… 

Okay. Big boy pants on now. She’d probably be telling me that already, if she was acting normal. Just… at least pretend you’re some kind of authoritative master of the house. I cleared my throat. “…Miss Greene?”

It had probably only been about a 5.5/10 showing on the authoritative voice, but at least I could hear her coming, now. I could still salvage this.

She wobbled a little as she came in, staying in the doorframe. “…Yeah?”

“Can you come a little closer? It feels weird talking to you from the other side of the room.” She took a single step in at first, but actually closed in to a normal distance when I sighed. “So, uh… any plans for dinner or anything?”

She muttered something incoherent and just stood there, looking uncomfortable. 

“M-Miss Greene?” She flinched, looking away.

“Eh, yeah. I’ll make something. What do you have in mind?” Was she fidgeting?

“How about…hamburger steak? Extra gravy?” 

Taking that as her window of opportunity, she quickly spun on her heel and made her way to the kitchen. “Sure thing! I’ll get right on that, Master!” I could tell from her tone and hurried movements that she really wanted out of this conversation. 

“W-wait, Miss Greene!” Seeing she was about to escape, I grabbed her wrist to stop her from leaving.  “Is… I mean… I’ve been meaning to ask. Is everything okay? You’re kind of being…”

Her troubled expression flickered for a moment as she looked at me like she couldn’t believe I’d grabbed her. “Fuckin’… Don’t worry about me. I didn’t sleep great or whatever.”

“I just… You seemed like you’d been drinking for a while and I haven’t really seen you act like this before or any-”

“Just let go, okay? You’re my boss, so let’s just keep everything… normal.”

Normal? What the hell did she mean by that? Since day one she’d been on my ass, both figuratively and literally! I didn’t say anything was wrong, so why was she acting like this? I… kind of thought we’d finally kind of gotten something more than just normal yesterday.

“Why are you being such a… uh…” Then it hit me. What would she say to herself? “…Such a pussy?”

She physically recoiled at that, like that question truly shocked her. She squinted at me, quiet for a long while. So long, in fact, that I started making note of any nearby exits. However, she didn’t say anything and simply turned around and started working on dinner.

Taking that as a sign from god, I dropped it and let her go to the kitchen. 


A pleasant smell started drifting from the kitchen after a half-hour or so. It had kind of snuck up on me, since I’d spent the entire time wondering whether I’d gone too far. I mean… that was kind of mean and she was already having a hard time today, so was being harsh really the right answer?

I was snapped out of my worrying when I heard Zoe start shouting profanity at the top of her lungs from the kitchen. I dashed over as quick as I could. Was she hurt? What happened?! I’d never heard anything that filthy come out of someone’s mouth before. Did she even have a pass to say that? 

I poked my head in just as the fire alarm started ringing. There was a bit of black smoke coming from the stovetop, but Zoe was just sitting on the floor and screaming incoherently into her hands. 

I did my best to blow the smoke away from the detector until the alarm finally stopped ringing and I could hear myself think again. I slumped down against the counter and ended up sitting on the floor across from the frustrated maid, who’d clearly worn herself out and stopped yelling. 

I don’t know what it was, exactly, but I couldn’t help myself from laughing a little. “Ah shit, this sucks…”

Zoe slumped a little and stayed quiet for a long moment before she laughed too. “God, I’m a fuckin’ train wreck.” 

There was another awkward silence before I could think of something to say. “Well… Not like I’m not, too. You helped me, so I just kinda wanted to… you know, return the favour…” I offered my best comforting smile. 

She sighed. “You’re right, I’m bein’ a pussy.”

“You said it, not me.” I laughed. That got a smile out of her after a moment.

“I just, uh… I started thinkin’ about things, and… I’ve been drinkin’ since like five this morning. And… I fucked up the food, your drink, and… I mean, you haven’t even seen the half of it upstairs…”

“Miss Greene, I-”

She cringed and held up a hand. “Master, can you… Just call me Zoe, okay? That… feels like a sex thing now… Ah, shit…”

“…Is that what’s wrong?” 

She looked away guiltily. “I just… yeah. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking, right? I’ve hardly known you a month and I pull that bullshit?! I basically raped you and pushed a bunch of weird shit on you just ‘cause I thought you might be as in to it as I am! I was pretty much blackmailin’ you, too!” She paused again, but I decided to let her finish. “Sorry, I… I haven’t been listening to you. I’ve just been kinda going off and-”

It was… almost frustrating seeing her like this. How could my miss do-it-all be acting so weird? “You’re doing fine. …I like my maid just how she is.”

“Yeah, but you’re my boss and we’re living together! That’s fuckin’… You can’t go doing shit like that. It’s not proper procedure, and it breaks the chain of command, and…”

“Zoe!”

Her eye snapped back to my face and she looked genuinely startled. 

I’d had enough. “You’re talking a lot about ‘chain of command’ and ‘procedure’ for a civilian maid.”

“…It’s just the right way of doin’ things, okay? I mean…”

“It’s just you and me, so… We can do whatever we want. You don’t need to make up some kind of procedure in your head about how you’re supposed to treat me. I… kind of thought that we were going to be even more than just friends, so…” I shifted a little, feeling awkward. “Can we just… go back to more than normal?”

“Aha… what kind of embarrassin’ shit are you sayin’, Master?” She covered her face a little, but I could tell she had an unsteady smile. “I… it was kind of fucked up just springing all that weird shit on you yesterday out of nowhere. I mean, we hadn’t even kissed or anything and then I kinda pulled out the kinky shit as soon as I thought I could take advantage of you…”

“Um… I… If you wanted to do it again, it was… sort of exciting for me too…” Wait. What? No, I mean… I hadn’t really made up my mind or anything! I was supposed to think about it more and writhe about how conflicted it made me feel, but… somehow it didn’t feel like the kind of weird thing I’d feel self-conscious about if she was the one doing it to me.

She stared at me for a few seconds, dumbfounded. “…You’re serious?”

I cleared my throat, kind of embarrassed that I’d just let that slip out. “Y-yeah…”

Zoe crawled over and sat on my lap facing me. “I, uh… I’m sorry I didn’t say this before I tied you up or anything, but… I really like you, Master. You’re really goddamn cute.”

“I, uh… I like you t-” I couldn’t finish, since Zoe had practically pounced on me for a kiss. Even if her lips still had a hint of the whiskey she’d been drinking on them, there was a kind of soft comfort in having her entire body wrapped around me. Realising my hands were actually free this time, I took the opportunity to hug her back. 

She kissed me a little deeper for a few seconds before barely managing to tear herself away, a little hoarse. “I, uh… we should probably order pizza or something, huh?”


A few weeks later… 

I’d started jogging part of the way to work a week or so ago on Zoe’s suggestion, and I’d honestly been enjoying it so far. I couldn’t go that fast or anything, but it felt a little more approachable than all the heavy weight work that she did. 

That said, there’d been a jogger following along my route for a while today. I’d normally almost enjoy the company, even if I felt a little self-conscious about how fit I was, but this was honestly starting to get suspicious. I didn’t want to be racist or anything, but… she was an anubis who’d been matching my pace almost exactly, even the walking breaks. The mask, sunglasses and hat combo was also a little off-putting. 

I… didn’t want to end up hurting some poor girl who just happened to be a little socially awkward, though… 

…Zoe would probably beat me up if she found out I even thought there might be one of those WANWAN girls following me and I didn’t tell her. I stopped and texted her quickly, just to make sure.

“Hey Zoe I think there’s a kind of weird girl following me, but I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or something…”

Only a few seconds passed before my phone buzzed.

“k”

… What did she mean by that? I looked back and couldn’t see the anubis any more, so maybe I really was just being paranoid. I hoped Zoe hadn’t bothered to do anything. 

The work day went by mostly without incident. Maybe a little ribbing from Izzy here and there and a few odd looks from my boss, but largely uneventful. It wasn’t until an hour before I was scheduled to go home that my boss suddenly ran up to me, looking somewhat frazzled.

“Oh, uh, hey Ms.-”

“Please for the love of fuck, control your maid!”

“What do you-” It dawned on me what she was saying. I sighed. “Where is she and what is she doing?” 

I was rushed to the door to the lobby and we stepped out to see a few of the secretaries and people from other departments giving something a wide berth. After pushing my way through them I saw that it was Zoe… beating the shit out of the anubis from my jog earlier. Zoe was wailing on her and screaming something I didn’t quite understand.

“TALK YOU WANWAN SON OF A BITCH! WHERE’S BIN SLUTTIN’?” Zoe gave the anubis another slap, knocking a weapon out of her hands.

“IT’S WANWAI, YOU FUCKING KNIFE-EAR!” The anubis squirmed feebly under the maid, looking more afraid than I’m sure she would ever admit.

Zoe and the other girl kept shouting at each other. …Guess I was right about the stalker thing. 

Danica was tapping her foot and looking at me frustratedly, but I knew there was no way in hell I was going to break this up until she was done. “Uh… There’s actually this-”

I paused. Was my boss really going to buy that I was being stalked by terrorists who really just wanted to kill some distant relative who already died and left me his big mansion and an ex-military maid who was currently beating the shit out of a girl who looks like she was bullied in high school for her bad fanfics?

“U-um, Zoe, could you-”

Izzy had poked her head around the corner and patted me on the shoulder. “What the hell is happening out- Yo, what the fuck?” She easily pushed her way through the crowd. “Greene, what the fu- is that a terrorist?” She asked as another anubis came running in, making her way towards Zoe. Izzy rushed in, landing a solid dropkick into the new anubis’ chest and inadvertently ripping her suit jacket. Now the crowd was a mix of concerned murmurs and excited cheers as the four wrestled on the lobby floor.

Honestly, I was just so tired. I made my way over to a nearby bench and took a seat, waiting for the excitement to die down. I turned to Danica and motioned her over. “…Did you call the cops yet?”

“…yeah.”

I’d say it was like watching a gladiatorial arena, but between a jacked elf and a huge oni, this was more like feeding Jews to lions. It only took a few minutes for the girls to suplex the terrorists to a standstill, and I walked over as soon as I figured it was probably safe. 

“Um… Zoe?”

“Keep movin’ and I’ll break your fuckin’- Yeah, Master?”

 “I, uh… Do you need me to do that thing again?”

She looked confused for a second. “…What thing?”

“The… uh… antidote thing. I was just… c-could we do it somewhere else, maybe? It’s just… I guess we can’t help about Izzy, but it would be kind of weird to just whip it out in front of my boss and all these other people…”

It looked like it took quite a while for her to register what I was saying before she laughed awkwardly. “Ah, yeah… about that…”

Izzy shuffled her anubis over a little to get in on the conversation. “Huh? What’d you make him do?”

I cleared my throat. “Oh, uh… when we had that little problem with the terrorist from before, she was on some drug and, uh… there’s this thing in semen that- I mean, you probably know all of this, right?”

The oni looked dumbfounded, glancing back and forth between me and Zoe for a few seconds. 

“I… Master… I didn’t exactly tell you the truth about that, uh… whole thing.”

“W-what?”

“Ah, yeah. The ol’ ‘get the guy you like to jerk off in front of you because there’s definitely a mystery drug that the terrorists are taking that makes them need cum, it isn’t for my benefit I promise’ trick. Oldest one in the book.” Izzy paused, squinting at the elf for a moment. “…‘Kay, for one, what the fuck Greene? For two… Pat, how the fuck were you retarded enough to believe that was a real thing?”

“I-I… I was just kind of scared, and-”

“It ain’t like that, Banno! I just… it was like waterboarding! She hated it and it made her talk! It fuckin’ worked, okay? Sure I was kinda horny, but she talked!”

Both of the anubi started screeching and squirming again. “WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU’RE GONNA MAKE HIM CUM ON US?! ISN’T THAT A WAR CRIME OR SOMETHING?!”

“Nobody is cumming on anybody!” A security guard said, moving in to apprehend the anubi. 

As soon as they were dragged off, I glanced at Zoe a bit awkwardly. “I… Why though?

“Shut up.”

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9 thoughts on “Every Maid Gets Her Day”

  1. this was really bad honestly. the writing structure and story seem awkward and stilted. there’s no conflict or chemistry, just a series of convoluted bullshit stringed together. very sad that other, more well developed stories get mix ratings but this gets five stars

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