I often wonder about my immunity to Mamono and their magics/ abilities. I had a bunch of theories including – maybe my atoms vibrate at a different frequency or perhaps being a technical (illegal) alien (don’t tell immigration), I have a natural immunity to their fundamental nature, or maybe I’m just that much of a bad ass… yeah, the last one is a solidly proven scientific fact so… let’s roll with that.
Now, hopefully, dear reader you may wonder about the Mamono themselves. The stories of their heavenly beauty had spread far and wide despite the Order going all hard-core Spanish Inquisition on anyone getting a half chub for just thinking about them. That’s just the thing though, it’s kinda bullshit.
You have to remember this world is in its equivalent of our dark ages, so no hair salons, no Vietnamese nail stations, no Maybe it’s Maybalee, no Forever 21- nothing. Most of the human women here look and dress pretty damn fugly save for a choice few that have about 20 guys following their every footsteps. Now take these conditions and throw in these monster girls that are a good solid 8-9 on the hotness scale, easy Sports Illustrated models, and what do you have? Yeah that’s right, those bullshit stories… along with a lotta rape.
Don’t get me wrong, hot is hot, but I had about 10 of these chicks as human equivalents in my general ed. college classes. If you’re serious about passing, you eventually learn to ignore the hoe show and keep your attention on the teacher and the homework. Which I believe is why I’m honestly able to handle some of the crap that gets thrown my way from them. Sure it’s fun to get sexually harassed by hot girls, but at the end of the day, I got places to go, things to do, people to see, and a fucking train wreck of a world to get my ass off of.
Which brings me to here, the good town of Elador. Don’t believe what the vacation flyers and the positive reviews on Yelp will tell you, this place is a shit hole; but it’s a shit hole so far away that both the Order and the Maous influences haven’t truly taken hold. It was a generally well mixed town of human and Mamono which was about as good as I was going to get around this area. I ended up here once before during a job I took to rescue a Unicorn- yeah they’re real alright- cept this one ended up as a Bicorn doing things that would make a porn director blush. Ah, good times, good times..I thought nostalgically.
I stopped by the town hall to pay a visit to my old buddy the town mayor… and his Bicorn wife… cough…yeah. He was really tickled pink about his town being the place where this historic event would take place, that or it was the Bicorn indiscreetly giving him a blow job under his desk. Yeah honey, that desk aient hiding your giant horse ass sticking up. So with a letter of writ signed by him that gave me permission to do whatever I fucking wanted in his town, I made sure that preparations were made at the conference hall and rooms set aside for the delegation tomorrow.
As I rested in my rented room that evening, I looked over to a little Charlie Brown Christmas tree that I set up in the corner. I was sure that I was the only one on this planet or dimension that celebrated Christmas, being as how no one ever heard of Christianity before, but I digress. No lights, some piss poor ornaments and a piece of red cloth for the tree skirt, I wondered briefly if this was how it was done back in the day. I thought of my parents, were they still looking for me, how were they doing? What was going on back home? A stabbing pain shot through my head as I heard the voices again…
”…octor.. heirheiwjdn. Will he sheinekdhwhdi”
I clutched my head gasping in pain for a good 15 minutes until I was able to stand up from the bed. Stumbling over to my canteen of boiled water, I took a long sip as I sighed. God, I hate it when that shit happens…
Later that night, I took out Victoria’s letter. I still hadn’t opened it, as much as I hate to admit it, I was scared. Even though we parted on good although maybe tearful terms, a million possibilities scrolled though my head. Did she find someone else? Maybe there really was a baby? Did she save 15% by switching to Geico? No, the last one was a lie, I only saved 5 when I did.
Letting out a growl of frustration, I stuffed her letter back in my bag, grabbed my holster along with my revolver, Winona, and together we headed off to the local tavern. If you can’t trust the water then trust the alcohol I say. So for a dimension that’s like a giant third world country, I usually end up drinking a lot of alcohol. The tavern was pretty much how I expected it and how Hollywood portrayed it. Low lights, a bit of noise playing that someone may have thought was music and the general un-understable garble of 50 different conversations happening at the same time.
Grabbing a seat at the bar, I signaled for the bartender, which happened to be a Manticore as I found out when she approached. Great, can I get a rufie with my Sarsaparilla please?
”What’ll it be handsome?” She asked smiling as she dried a mug in her paws with a dirty dish towel. How hygienic…
“Just a mug of whatever you have on tap, ma’am.” I said politely. Even though I was pretty sure manticore venom didn’t work on me, not much did to be honest, I wasn’t in the mood to fight off a horny kitty cat with a tail mace.
Sliding a frothy mug of whatever piss beer they had over to me, I slid back to her enough coins for payment and a modest tip. Always tip your bartender folks, especially the ones that can shoot venomous spines at you. Taking a sip I grimaced, yep piss beer alright. I’d honestly kill for a Coors or Bud, it was still piss beer but at least it was good old American piss beer.
”Anything else handsome?” She asked with a sultry smile and a completely shameless emphasis on the ‘Anything’ part.
“No thanks.” I said hefting the mug in salute. She let out a small pout as she turned to help the other patrons arriving at the bar.
“What’s a sexy guy like you doing in a crappy place like this?” Said a voice as someone slid into the stool next to me. Looking over I saw it was a Cheshire grinning widely at me. She was had a cute face framed in wavy black hair with purple streaks in it .
Another hot chick…yay…
“Does that line actually work?” I asked. I’d heard variations of the same line uttered by dozens of drunken frat boys to co-eds during my first year in college. All were met with disdain and laughter. I was really curious if things were different here when it came to cheesy pick ups.
“Errrr….no?” She said/ asked as her grin faltered.
“Thought so,” I mumbled as I turned back to my drink.
“Aww come on you could at least play along!”
“Alright,” I replied turning back to her, “Well ya see I got the all day Park Hopper ticket but my favorite ride, Thunder Mountain, broke down, you know how that goes, so here I am drinking away my sorrows in hopes that maybe Micky, Minnie or even god damn Goofy will stroll through that door and cheer my depressed ass up.” I said.
Now I really do remember that I’m living in dungeons and dragons land and keep how I speak to an understandable level for the locals; but sometimes when I’m pissed or just don’t give a fuck, I’ll spout out some shit that’s really only understandable if you’re from my neck of the woods. Usually when I say this kind of stuff to a Mamono they get a really confused look on their face and go somewhere else. Not this one though, as soon as she heard me say that her grin somehow got even wider and replied,
Placing her hand on my shoulder she popped out of existence, leaving me alone with my beer. Huh, guess I’m immune to Wonderland magic too I thought to myself as I waited for the inevitable return of Miss Kitty. Turning back and taking another swig I was rewarded by pop of air next to me.
“Uh, why didn’t you come with me?” She asked bewildered.
“You know performance problems can be a sign of something more serious, I’d go see a doctor as soon as you can.” I said patting her shoulder condescendingly.
“Don’t say that out loud!” She paled as she looked around to see if anyone had overheard me. Heh…performance problems…
She tried teleporting me several times after, each ending the same way, with me still seated at the bar. By that time, we had a few stares our way, but I didn’t care. It was actually kinda fun pissing off a species that had a rep for pissing off everyone else.
“Why won’t you teleport!!!!” She cried, tears in her eyes as she grabbed my arm and shook it violently. It seemed like she was having a mental breakdown over the fact that things weren’t going her way. We… well she, was really making a scene at that point. I actually felt kinda sorry for her…performance problems so I said,
”Calm down Mittens, magic doesn’t work on me.”
“Magic works on everyone.” She sobbed still grabbing my arm.
“Not me,” I said as I finished my drink and stood, “Yo barkeep, a round for Puss n Boots here, before she really loses it.” I said to the Manticore as I left some more coins on the counter and walked out. Never let it be said that I wasn’t a humanitarian… or mamonoitarian… or whatever, I give to charity ok?
As I walked back to my room, she popped next to me.
“Where we going?” She asked breath puffing in the cold night air.
“WE are not going anywhere, I’m going back to my room to get some sleep. YOU are going back to wherever you came from.” I said wearily.
“That’s no fun, you’re as crazy as I am! We should be having fun together!,” She pouted as she grabbed my arm. I sighed as I shrugged out of her grasp.
“Look, I’m not looking for a long-term, short-term, one night stand or anything else you have in mind. Thanks but no thanks, have a good night and no we can’t be friends on Facebook.” I said as I left her.
“Come on, you’re the first human I’ve ever met that’s actually understandable, can’t we just spend some time together?”
I had to pause at that. Did she really understand what the hell I was saying? No… no chance. I’m pretty sure someone back home would see her ass or someone like her popping around the most magical place on Earth, right? Especially wearing a come fuck me style Wonderland outfit like what she was wearing right now, some parent – ahem mommy, would for sure complain. Nah, she was just trying to mess with my head- a little payback for embarrassing the shit out of her back in the bar.
“Sorry, Fluffy, I’m not on the market right now.” I said as I continued on.
“My names Romie, not Fluffy!” She called to me still standing where I left her.
“Don’t care,” I called back trudging through the snow. Probably just leveled up my asshole stat- always a plus.
Back at my room I laid in bed trying to think about nothing. It was a little hard considering the possible future of this world rested on my shoulders yeah no pressure or anything. A soft pop of air in the room signaled an arrival of someone. Grabbing Winona from under my pillow I leveled her at the intruder. Romie… Jesus, why do these girls think it’s ok to just teleport into someone’s room unannounced?
“You do know I could have killed you right now, don’t you?” I sighed as I raised Winona’s muzzle to the ceiling.
“But you didn’t.” She replied with a smile.
God help me, that kinda made sense. Maybe I am just as wacky as them Wonderlanders.
“Hey what’s that?” She asked pointing over to my Christmas tree.
“That’s for a fat guy to leave me presents, now get out.” I told her.
“Reeeeaaaaalllly?” She asked turning to me, her grin expanding impossibly large.
“Look, Ruffie? Rufie? Romie? I have a long day tomorrow and some important shit to do, so I really need my sleep. Could you please leave?”
“Noooo,” She pouted,
“I wanna stay, let me sleep with you!” She said as she jumped into bed next to me.
“You’re not leaving until I say yes, huh?” I sighed.
“Yep!” She said with the smugness of only a Cheshire could.
“3 conditions!” I said glaring at her.
“God damn it, you haven’t even heard them yet!”
“Oh, umm undone?” She said smiling as she shrugged her shoulders.
“You really need to work on that…” I said slapping my hand over my face.
“Anyway, Condition 1- no rape, no sex, no molesting, no fingers in a bowl of warm water, you will be a perfect gentle…lady…cat…whatever. Condition 2- you stay on your side and don’t hog the covers. Condition 3- come morning you pop out and don’t tell another person about this… EVER…. agreed?” I said fixing her with my best stony glare.
“Sure!” She said with suspicious enthusiasm.
Laying back down in bed I turned my back to the furry intruder. I internally sighed as I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep… I had a bad feeling about this.