Throwing on my 2-day old clothes, I casted a glare over at my now girl… cat… girlfriend, whatever, as she was adjusting the necklace that I gave her for Christmas, while smugly looking in the mirror.
I knew she was feeling pretty proud of herself for finally nailing me. I briefly wondered if this was how a hot, hard to get, high school cheer leader felt after a night with the captain of the football team. Not that I was comparing myself to a chick in any means, but just for the record, if I was, then I’d be a damn hot cheerleader…
Yeah so anyways…
She opted for a purple on black dress with a purple bow in her hair and of course no bra or panties. Sure, she looked amazing but I was also pretty sure that everyone in a 5 mile radius could smell us, which is what I knew she wanted.
It was embarrassing but I decided to put up with it for the day- being the perfect boyfriend and all. Romie grabbed onto my arm and kissed me on the cheek as we headed out of her room on our way to meet momma in the courtyard.
When we got there, the Queen had her servants set up a small table with tea and biscuits for us. Tea time seemed more like Cold War time, with the fact that there’s was some obvious, held on bitterness with Romie and mom. I shoved the cookies down my throat and gulped down the tea in an effort to move things along as quickly as possible. Eventually, after that little nightmare, she lead us to Eric’s grave, some distance away. In a clearing, by a large tree, there lay a single headstone surrounded by blue wild flowers.
I turned to ask the Queen a question but found she had vanished. No matter how long had passed, I could understand that she was still in pain from his death.
Romie slowly walked up to the grave and collapsed upon it crying. My heart ached to see her like that. It was a fucked up way to meet your dad for the first time…
I gave her some space, let her cry it out for a time. Eventually, I walked over, knelt down and took her in my arms.
“Hey,” I said as I gently cradled her, “Let me introduce you to a little something from back home.”
Reaching into my pocket, I took out my phone and earbuds. I had to smile as Romie looked at the device in both awe and suspicion. Good ol’ 21st century tech, meet crazy Cheshire. Her kitty ears were a bit of a challenge to pop the buds into but I managed as I unlocked the device and called up some Goo Goo Dolls for her to listen to. Placing the phone in her paws, I pushed the play button and watched as the fun began.
At first she was shocked to hear music coming from the small things that I put in her ears, but being a Cheshire, I knew she could roll with strange. Eventually a smile grew on her face as the music rocked and flowed. The beats were both soulful and relaxing. From past experiences, the Dolls have always been a good choice for when I was down. For some reason, I was pleased to see Romie was no different. I let her listen for a while, until what little remained of the battery finally died. I wasn’t sure when I would be able to get the damn thing recharged, but seeing her smile once again made it all worth while.
“Thank you,” She said sniffling back the remaining tears, as she returned the phone and buds. We both stood up, as the moment passed.
“I didn’t know you could use magic…”
”It sure as hell aient magic, more like Steve Jobs gift to the world… at a cost of $200 plus the two year contract.” I grinned, thinking back to the 4 hours I stood in line just to get a hold of the damn thing.
“What did I say about you talking like that?” She growled as she pulled me in for a deep ‘thank you’ kiss.
“Down tiger, there’s still a lot we need to do today without you getting all frisky again.” I laughed, pulling away. Sure, we were in that magical cupcake stage where banging each other’s brains out was at the top of the list, but there were a lot of unanswered questions that quite honestly scared the shit out of me.
A scream in the distance interrupted my musing. Romie and I looked at each other in the eye for an instant before we both started running towards the noise. Racing through the woods, we came upon a clearing that lead to a small villiage some ways away.
We could see smoke and fire from the buildings and could hear more and more screams as we saw Mamono running, carrying their valuables and even loved ones. I didn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know some shit was going down.
“Go, grab the Spades and get back here as fast as you can.” I said to Romie as we both looked on in dread.
”What are you going to do?!” She asked fearfully.
“I’m gonna buy some time,” I replied as I pulled out Winona. I didn’t know how many bad guys were down there, and more then likely I was in over my head on this one, but I had to do something.
“Please, becareful,” She begged as she grabbed me in a tight hug and kissed me soundly.
”Don’t worry, I got this,” I cocked a grin as I watched her teleport out. I wished I felt the same confidence inside as I showed outside…
Turning to the village, I broke into a run. Opening Winona’s chamber, I quickly replaced her bullets as I sped onwards, praying I wasn’t too late. Entering, I fast walked past a few escaping March Hares, and made my way to the center of the chaos. A group of 4 Order Knights, some asshat that thought he was Robin Hood by firing flaming arrows and some Daniel Radcliffe lookalike wizard, were fucking the place up pretty badly. Anger welled in me as I saw them setting fires, shooting bolts of magic, trashing homes, trying to kill innocent women and children. Seems like they were having quite the party.
Time to crash this bitch…
”Pardon me!” I yelled to them at the top of my lungs. They all paused and turned towards me, confused as to why there was some random guy standing in the middle of a god damn war zone.
“…Does anybody have any Grey Poupon?” I asked as I aimed and fired a bullet straight into Harry Potter’s chest. Rule 1: Always go for the magic users first. Rule 2: Hit up the archers next. I spun around and did a head shot to Robin Hood. Rule 3: Handle the rest of the trash after. I then proceeded to pick off the other 4 retards as they ran towards me, swords swinging.
“Well, I guess I’ll have to go get my own damn mustard then.” I said to the bodies around me as I kissed Winona’s empty chamber. Damn she was hot… and I meant that literally, because after 6 shots, she gets a little toasty.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…
Holy shit, that guy’s really good with a gun! Yep, and you can thank all the time and millions of quarters I spent at the arcade for that one. Now there’s probably a squeamish few out there that are mumbling something about me killing a bunch of people. Except I didn’t. Remember when I said I replaced Winona’s bullets?
Way back, when I was explaining to Victoria about guns and bullets, she was very against the idea of creating something that could kill like that. I argued that it was the fucking Wild West out there and I needed something to defend myself as I really sucked using at swords, bows and pretty much everything else she had on hand. We comprised on me getting Winona and Victoria modifying most of the ammo given to me. Instead of traditional metal for the slug, she used Demon Realm Silver. The stuff somehow passes through people, which instead of physically harming someone, it messes up their energy, making them drop like a sack of potatoes. Don’t ask me how it does it, I just know the shit works, hence the 6 fully alive bodies around me.
Walking over to the wizard, I knelt down and grabbed his face so we could look at each other.
“Well now, Mr. Potter, what have you and your friends been up to?” I said doing my best Severus Snape voice.
“Traitor! What kind of magic did you use on me, you worthless hedge mage!” He spat at me as he struggled to regain use of his body.
“Now, now, lets not get personal,” I said as I pointed Winona between his eyes, “I’ll make you a deal, you tell me what you and your little buddies were doing here and I’ll let you go, free and clear. If not then I use my magic gun here to make sure you’ll never be able to move again.”
His eyes crossed as he stared down Winona’s barrel and he started to sweat and shiver with his choices. Betray his comrades and live or…
“Times up, Harry,” I said as I moved to pull the trigger.
“Wait! W-We were part of a larger expeditionary force. Our Commander said there was a powerful relic in this land, if we could locate it, then there would a chance to turn the war!”
“Interesting, and where is the main force now?”
“I’ve got all day, Harry, but you have til the count of three,” I said calmly.
“Three… sorry, Harry…”
”WAIT!” He cried, “West! They are due west, setting up camp!”
“You sure now?” I asked as I tightened my grip on Winona.
“YES, for the love of the Chief God, YES!” He cried. A manic smile spread across his face as a shadow darkened us both. For a split second I was confused by what was going on, then it dawned on me. I really suck at counting bad guys…
Turning, I saw another armor clad knight, raising his sword over his head to land a killing blow on me. Everything seemed to slip into a painful slow motion, there was nothing I could do to stop him. Once he brought that sucker down, it would be the end. Suddenly, a purple and black blur appeared out of the corner of my eye. I watched as it slammed into the knight with such force, they both flew from my vision.
I blinked, and time was running the way it should again. Looking over I saw Romie atop the prone knight, slashing her claws into him over and over again, while bloodied screams turned into faint gurgles, then, finally, silence. Her eyes had the same red glow as I had seen before when she lost it.
A part of me numbly realized that I had just watched my girlfriend savagely kill a man. Another part of me reminded the same part, that he would have killed me if she didn’t. I call her my girlfriend but she dosent look at me in the same way. I’m an idiot but I knew enough about Mamono to know that in her eyes, I was her husband, her property, lock, stock and barrel. She was just defending what was hers.
She turned her head to look at me, her eyes still glowing. Rising off the dead knight, she walked towards us slowly, her face and clothing spattered with blood. I calmly stood, keeping my eyes locked on hers, as Harry whimpered at her approach. There was nothing I could do if she wanted to kill either of us. Winona was out of ammo, and even if she wasn’t, I don’t think I could bring myself to raise a gun to Romie.
When she got within arms length, she finally spoke,
”Are you alright, my love?” She asked, her voice once again hollow and filled with a frighting amount of power.
My spidey sense told me the person in front of me wasn’t quite the same Cheshire that I knew. Peg it on a split personality or the fact that as a granddaughter of the Maou herself, she probably had a shit ton of power and no clue how to channel it. Maybe this was it manifesting itself. Hell, what I wouldn’t give for Dr. Phil to be here right now. He’d spout some psychobable and all this crap would be taken care of, right as rain.
“Y-yeah, just peachy. You- you know we’ll probably have to make a run to Walmart for some Oxiclean to get all that blood outta of your dress.” I stuttered while smiling nervously. Please for the love of whoever’s out there, let my bullshit snap her out of it, I prayed.
Her face scruntched up in confusion, trying to make sense of what I just said, then she started to blink rapidly as her eyes changed back to purple. She looked at me in recognition, then threw her arms around my neck in a hug.
“Thank Maou you’re safe!” She cried as she kissed my cheek multiple times, then firmly on the lips. I tried my best not to be grossed out by her getting blood all over me. I didn’t think she knew, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her she just murdered someone…
Yeah, for some reason I didn’t want to thank grandma for all this. Whatever, I thought as I holstered Winona.
It was then the calvary arrived with 20 spear armed Spade Trumparts. They seemed to know who I was, or at least saw that their Princess was all over me so at least I was cool. All of them were pretty useless right now, seeing as how all the action was over, but maybe I could make use of them…
I looked down to the paralyzed bodies around me, then over to Harry Potter. Well, they could at least help me get rid of the trash.
“Ladies!” I called to them with an evil smile as I disengaged myself from a bewildered Romie. In my best game show host voice, I yelled,
“Welcome to the Dating Game! I’m your host Donnie, and we have quite a show for you all today!”
Everyone was staring at me, but it had been a long day and I wanted to have some fun after all the fucked up shit that just happened along with almost dying multiple times. Hefting up the wizard, I showed him to the slew of cards as they surrounded us.
“Our first contestant is a wizard from England, he’s on team Dumbledore, and enjoys moonlit walks on the beach while trying to stop Lord Voldemort.”
“You said you would let me go if I told you!” He cried as he faced the curious, horny crowed of card girls.
“I lied,” I whispered into his ear as I threw him at them. The Tumpart in front grabbed Harry and pulled him screaming into her card. One asshole down…
”Next,” I said cheerfully as I grabbed the archer up. The things coming out of his mouth, I won’t repeat being the sensitive soul I am. Let’s just say he knew a lot of cuss words.
“Robin of Loxley here, despite his colorful words, loves to rob from the rich and give to the poor. He’s also had a very recent break- up with a Maid Marian. Who here can heal his broken heart… or possibly just be the rebound chick?”
All of their hands shot up as I looked around. Shrugging to myself, I just said fuck it and threw the poor bastard to them. At that point it stopped being The Dating Game and more like the time when my folks took me to Sea World and I got to feed the dolphins.
As I finished with the last knight, something occurred to me. In a few days they would all be Incubi and no longer an issue, but how was what I was doing different then grandma Maou? I could say that I was doing it to save lives, keeping them from harming anyone else, but it still left a sour taste in my mouth. By hooking up with Romie, did I end up choosing a side? Will I eventually do the whole Darth Vader bit and make this a regular occurrence, working for Emperor Palpatine aka the Great Maou?
I glanced over to Romie, who was regarding the whole scene with what I could only describe as horny amusement. Would that be ‘Hormusement’? No, that sounds God awful, let’s just say she thought the whole thing was funny and was getting turned on by it. I sighed, there was way too much crap going on…
More Trumparts arrived with mini Queen Taylor Swift in tow. Taking survey of the premises, she regarded me.
”You’ve been busy, Donnie.”
“Just being a Good Samaritan, your Majesty,” I said sarcastically.
“There’s evidently an army, west of here, you might want to check out. Seems they think there’s something out there that might be used as a powerful weapon against you guys.”
“Is that so? We will have to address that.” She said stiffly. She spared a glance over to Romie then to the knights corpse, behind. She said nothing as I’m pretty sure she was able to put 2 and 2 together. It pissed me off she probably knew about Romie’s condition long ago and decided to do nothing. The whole fucking family seemed to make Keeping up with the Kardashians look like the Berenstain Bears.
After Queenie and the army left to take care of the Order’s Expeditionary Force, Romie came up to me and hugged me again. Whispering in my ear, she said,
”You’re a hero, even if she didn’t say it. You saved the lives of the villiagers here, that makes you, my hero.”
“Aww… I didn’t do anything.” I said, embarrassed.
“Hey though, let’s just head home. It’s been a day. We’ll grab a bath, some food, just relax and take care of the rest tomorrow?”
“I’d really like that,” She smiled. Regardless of everything that happened, her smiles still made me happy…
That evening we ate, bathed, made love in the bath chamber, had to bathe again, then she dragged me back to her room for more sex. Like I said before, cupcake stage. Exhausted, I drifted off to sleep with her in my arms.
A series of steady beeps woke me up. Had I set my watch alarm? No… it sounded different. Everything was fuzzy, it was cold, everything smelled like a chemical sterile, it was hard to see. Eventually my eyes focused and I saw the two people that I had been waiting to see the most, for a long time…