I said yes to Romie. We’ll travel to Wonderland and see if her mom has anything to get me back home. I tried cleaning up my trashed room as best as I could, but there was no way I could fix the holes in the wall. I kinda felt guilty about that one, but I’d pay the innkeeper for it.
That evening, her and I sat around my uprighted Christmas tree, thankfully I spared it the bulk of my wrath when I Hulked out the other day. I opened Romies gift, it was a brown, fur-lined cloak – the kind that D&D nerds would pay a fortune for- I was betting that she paid no less for it. It really was quite nice…
She looked at me questioningly as I handed her a tiny gift.
“Uh yeah, so back home around this time of year- we give friends, family and loved ones presents…”
“So where do I fit in with those 3 categories?” She asked with her typical Cheshire grin.
“Just open the damn present.” I replied grumpily.
She did, gasping as she took it out. It was a small silver necklace with an amethyst gem in the center. Hey it’s purple, I’m pretty damn sure she likes purple… why not right?
Leaping across, she hugged me tight. I wanted to say something but, it’s Christmas- for this one day, I won’t be an asshole. I took her out to dinner that night as well. We ate, laughed and had a good time, I told myself that I wasn’t growing attached- that it was the holidays and she was the closest thing to a friend I had at the time. I just didn’t want to celebrate it alone again…
It was kinda like the time my parents dragged me to Reno for a wedding of some friend of theirs. I was like 16 at the time, bit intimidated at all the flashy lights, the gambling, the booze…the hookers. But then you realize it’s all just how you make it. It was a piss poor comparison to the commercials for Vegas, just like this place was a piss poor comparison to half the mind-fuck movies Hollywood produced that I used to watch in high school.
I didn’t tell this to Romie of course.
I rode on a cobblestone path atop Rudolf, while she floated on in front, leading the way. She opted for going commando that day evidently, I could see her bare ass the whole time as her dress rode up. I’ll admit she had a nice one, good shape not skinny not too big, unlike some, for example Holsts. Now them cowgirls had a booty so big you’d need a GPS to find your way out.
After about an hour, though I stopped peeking at her… assets and started thinking. Going into Wonderland was a pretty desperate move for me. I wasn’t afraid per say just I wished there was a more…normal way for me to get home. Like maybe Richard Dean Anderson showing up and offering me a ride though the Stargate- that kind of normal. Not the ‘hey let’s go see my mom that’s ruler of wacky land and watch out for the tulips they get a little rapey when you brush by them’ – normal.
We rode for a few hours more. Saw some glowing neon trees, orange water, pink grass, a coyote chasing after a road runner with an Acme rocket… wait did I really see the last one?
We eventually came to a little rest stop/ restaurant on the side of the path. Romie landed and clapped her hands in glee.
“My friend owns this place! I’m so happy we found it!”
I tied Rudolfs reins to a tree branch- sorry to leave you out here guy- and walked in with her.
Inside was actually quite nice it had booths set up around a glass counter with pastries on display, the smell of tea brewing combined with fresh baked bread gave the whole place a rather normal comforting feel. I should be worried.
The owner, a Mad Hatter, came out and gasped happily at seeing Romie. The two hugged and gabbed about not seeing each other in so long. The Hatter then looked at me questioningly. Romie cupped her paws around her ear and started fiercely whispering in it while occasionally glancing at me from the side of her eye.
Yeah that’s not rude or anything.
After a minute or so the Hatter was grinning at me. What the hell was Romie telling her? As she finished the Hatter made a sweeping bow and introduced herself as Myra. Not knowing proper etiquette, I bowed in return and introduced myself. She ushered us into a both across the way from another that had two more customers, a March Hare and Jubjub I believed, and placed menus in our hands.
Well so far so good…
I looked at the menu, yeah I had a hard enough time reading as it was, the words on this thing were literally walking around the page. Screw this.
She smiled looking at me as she held a quill and a pad of paper to take my order.
“Do you see anything that arouses your appetite sir? Of course the poached egg with humpty sauce is quite ejaculative and our breadsticks will penetrate any hunger.”
Cute… real cute. Okay, my turn…
”Yeah, I’ll have a Big Mac, hold the pickles, extra secret sauce, large fries, 2 no make that 3 packets of honey mustard sauce- I like to dip the fries, 2 apple pies… and a super sized Diet Coke, gotta watch my calorie intake it’s getting to be swimsuit season.” I said calmly glancing at the menu as if I were actually reading off it. Figured if Mad Hatter chick wanted to fuck around then so could I.
What I didn’t expect was everyone to freeze up and turn in my direction. Even Romie was staring at me, her fists bunched up tight, turning white.
…I fucked up, didn’t I? I said some kind of taboo Wonderland phrase or something and things are gonna go south faster than you can say ‘Rosie O’Donold’. They’re all gonna be chasing me, trying to kill me, like the opening scene from Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Shit, I don’t think I can run that fast…. Oh god, maybe I should have ordered a Whopper instead? I mean I’m not a big Burger King fan but if it would’ve save my life…
Myra suddenly crossed her legs then shivered violently. Looking over I noticed the other 2 patrons doing the same in their booths. What the fuck?
I looked to Romie for some kind of explanation but she was just grinning wildly. I looked back to the Hatter as she had just uncrossed her legs. There was a large wet spot on her crouch…
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Myra looked feverishly over to Romie,
”Does he have a brother?” She asked desperately.
Romie simply glanced over to me.
“I’m an only child…” I mumbled, pretending to read the menu, as the ridiculousness of this situation continued to unfold. This is what I get for being in Wonderland, folks.
”I see…” She said depressed as she looked back over to Romie, “You really are the luckiest girl in Wonderland. I’ll be right back with your food.”
As she ran off I put down my menu and looked over to the Cheshire,
”Okay, wanna tell me what the hell that was all about?”
She sighed wistfully and took my hands in hers. I kinda wanted to comment on her going all touchy feely on me, but I did want to know what just happened.
”Do you remember when we first met?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t forget if I wanted to. And it was a few days ago, not exactly a lifetime.” I said pointedly.
“The things you say, I’m sure it’s all normal for you in your world but for everyone else, it’s very strange. Here, in Wonderland, we love strange… it’s very… erotic.”
“Sooo…. when I talk it’s…”
“It’s a major turn on for all of us.” She said as she absently played with the necklace I gave her.
”I made her cum by ordering a Big Mac didn’t I?”
“Yes, along with the other two over there,” She pointed at the March Hare and Jubjub sitting across the way. Both were eye raping me as the conversation went by.
I sighed internally, all I wanted was two all beef patties with special sauce on a sesame seed bun…
“Wait… why didn’t… I mean did you?” I asked- I know I shouldn’t have asked, but it honestly just popped out of my mouth.
Her smile turned seductive as she narrowed her eyes at me.
“You know what, never mind.”
I sighed again, seem to be doing that a lot recently, I know, this was some stupid ass shit. But then again I’m in Wonderland where stupid ass shit was their GDP (Gross Domestic Product).
“Fine, I’ll just watch what I say. Anyway, how far are we till we get to your mom’s house… castle, whatever.”
“Well we have to get lost first before we can find it. I mean if I could teleport you, we would be there instantly but that’s not an option. So we have to do it the hard way.”
I nodded my head sagely as if it all made perfect sense. When in Rome, right?
“Right. Get lost, find Mom’s place, do introductions, make pleasant small talk while adding in the fact that I’m from another dimension, world, whatever aaaaand see if she’s got something to punt me back home. Easy, right?”
Romie gave me a large grin in answer. I really had a bad feeling about this.
A tray of cookies and some tea was put down in between us as an appetizer I guessed. Taking a bite out of, I found it was decent- not exactly Pilsbury doughboy quality but it was alright. I washed it down with some tea – a little bitter, needed some lemon and honey for sure but again it was alright. I found once again I had an audience.
“What is it this time? I’m eating the cookies way too sexy?” I asked sarcastically.
“He’s not changing,” Myra muttered aloud.
”I told you he was special, nothing works on him,” Romie said smugly.
”Someone wanna share some details?” I asked.
”Myra didn’t believe me when I told her that you were immune to magic, so she gave you these cookies that would have turned you into a little boy and the tea would have made you very, very…lustful.” Romie answered while biting her lower lip as if thinking something.
”So you’d let her give me food that would have fucked me up?”
Myra simply nodded and smiled as if it were the most normal, innocent thing in the world to do.
“I knew it wouldn’t work,” She said matter of factly while shrugging.
”And if it did?” I asked semi-pissed at her casual tone.
”Then we’d all be having a lot of fun right now.” She said seductively.
“You seemed to get all possessive when Katrina was trying to jump my bones that other time, and now you wanna share, what’s changed?” I said bitingly with my own grin while grabbing the tea to sip once more, just to prove a point that nothings gonna happen.
“There, she would take you away from me. Here you would be mine, and they would know that.” Romie replied quietly and probably imagining quite a few things.
I sighed… again… nothing like having a friend that wants to rape you.
Then real food came, this time supposedly not drugged or magic’d. Romie had some kind of soup that she slurped loudly with every spoonful. After the fifth time it really started to get annoying. For me, Myra brought a sandwich – as good as I was going to get here without them Golden Arches.
The sun was setting by the time we exited,
”What the hell?! We should have like 6 more hours of daylight left!” I said almost shouting.
”Time works differently in Wonderland.” Romie said as she stood next to me.
”I missed the sunsets here…” Her paw reached out and grabbed my hand.
Glancing over to her, I chose to stay quiet. She missed home, I could relate in the worst way, she deserved to be a little emotional.
“Is there any place we could stay for the night?” I asked quietly, holding hands with her, as we watched. It really was beautiful. The colors radiated more vibrantly then anything I’ve ever seen. Any words I use honestly wouldn’t do it justice… it was just the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
“Myra has a spare room, I’m sure she’ll let us use it.”
Great, what could possibly go wrong?