To anyone who finds this…
My name is Donnie ——————- , at the time I am writing this I’m — years old, I’m an engineering student from the town of ——— in Connecticut. I’m writing this in hopes that someone out there will know my story… or at least go and clear my internet browser history before my folks see it. I’m serious about the last part.
About 3 years ago while driving home I was in a car accident. Seems Grandma Bessy was late for her Murder She Wrote re-runs when she ran the stop sign on this little country road I drive on to get home from work. The old-timer T-boned the shit outta me.
When I woke up I found myself and the wreckage of my car here… A world locked in a tug of war for dominance between humanity and the kind called Mamono.
I wandered the wilderness, mildly cursing myself that I didn’t bug my parents hard enough to throw my ass in the Boy Scouts when I was a kid. Maybe I wouldn’t have done such a shitty job of hiking through the hundred acre woods, dodging a horny Winnie the Pooh her friends. Some guardian angel out there must have taken pity on my dumb ass though, as she put me in Victoria’s path.
Victoria was a blue skinned cyclops actually lived deep in the mountain that I was trying to scale to get away from the various rapey woodland creatures. She found me as I was getting pretty damn close to near death from hypothermia huddling on her doorstep. Nursing me back to health I eventually told her my story… after freaking out like a little bitch. Hey I couldn’t help it ok? The big eye, the horn, the nearly dying part… I think I’m owed acting like a pussy for a minute or so. Anyway after that little awkwardness, we became friends and she helped me salvage what was left of my car. We found that we both shared a love for building and tinkering. Me being an aspiring engineer and her being a master blacksmith we wound up creating a lot of cool stuff from the wreckage of the car over the few months I stayed with her.
After a while, though, I became badly homesick. I was depressed, mooping around like some emo high schooler. I think Victoria got pissed with me and suggested that I travel, search for a way to get back home. That was 2 years ago…
Sitting atop my faithful horse, Rudolf, I checked my watch for what seemed the dozen time as we waited out in an empty snowy field for representative of the Mamono army to show. She was late, which made me ansy… very very ansy.
“Your magic wrist talisman will not tell you anything different then when you consulted it the previous times, Majin.” Said the Inquisitor snidely, also on horseback next to me. His breath smoking in the cold.
I’m not a Majin, you stupid holier then thou prick, and it’s called a watch, I thought to myself. I knew better to say that aloud, after all, I was asked to be a Mediator for this dog and pony show disguised as peace talks. Over the last couple years I ended up becoming a Merc, taking odd jobs here and there in my travels to make ends meet and find a way back home. I had to admit, though, this one was a doozy. Evidently someone let the cat out of the bag that I was somehow completely resistant to Mamono magics, incorruptible and unbiased towards all races. I doubt anyone actually believed the other rumor that I was from a different world… dimension, whatever. It was all a laugh, the one thing they could agree on that I was fair. Whoop de fucking doo for me….
A flap of wings signaled the reps landing near by. Turning I saw they had sent a Succubus, as she neared, I groaned internally. Katrina… of course they had to send her. Not like we knew each other or anything, of course… nope, not like she’s been trying to get in my pants since we’ve met or anything…nope.
“Why hello Donnie,” She greeted me with a wide shit eating smile. Guess she was happy to see me. Turning, she frowned as laid eyes on the Bible thumper with a sword next to me. I’m pretty sure he was fighting the urge to shout ‘die unholy whore!’ or some other bullshit and get all swingy, stabby with the large, overly compensative, penis substitute on his waist.
“Greetings Inquisitor,” She said a little more respectively.
“Representative.” He said stiffly. Yep, fighting it!
“All right,” I said breaking the ice, before anything else did, “ Representative Katrina, this is Inquisitior Fredrickson of the Order. Inquisitior Fredrickson, this is Representative Katrina of the Mamono armies under the leadership of the current Maou. As mediator, it is my duty to choose a time, day and location for these, uh, talks… I have made arrangements for the town of Elador in the province of Latham to act as host. There is a conference hall for us to use and it is a relatively neutral area so no one should have any issues, the time will be at 9am, one week from this day. Any questions?”
“Sounds splendid,” Katrina said with a small bow smiling just as widely at me. Congrats chick, your creeper status just leveled up. Fredrickson, simply grunted in response.
Yay we all agree, let’s hear it for teamwork!
“Well then, unless anyone has any questions or anything, I guess I’ll see everyone there in a week. Great talk everyone and um, safe travels.” I concluded awkwardly as I reined Rudolf away towards Stackten, the nearby town. Not my best ending for a potentially historic treaty to say the least but hey, no bloodshed so bonus points all around. Katrina simply flew away, I had a gut feeling I was gonna see her again later, but I’d have to cross that bridge when I came to it. Fredrickson, I saw, rode the opposite direction away probably wanted to report to his superiors ASAP.
I prayed that this all would work. If I could pull off a genuine Christmas miracle and get the two sides to at least agree to a cease-fire and start long-term negotiations then my job would be done and I’d have some brownie points with their head honchos . At some point after that I could cash in and see if there was something in this world known to either side that could get me back home….
Home…I tried not to think too much about it. Before, when I got here, it was all I could think of. TV, computers, the internet, electricity, indoor plumbing, hot water on demand. The kind of stuff you take for granted. You never really miss it until it gets torn away. Eventually I found that it just caused me too much pain day after day. I learned to bury it, focus on what was going on in this world, what was in front of me. Survival was top of the list for a very long time, until I met some people, both Human and Mamono, that I at least was able to become friendly with.
I patted Winona, my revolver on my hip fondly. A parting collaborative gift from Victoria. I became suddenly depressed thinking back to her. Pretty sure I had/ have feelings for her, I even begged her to come with me, but she said her place was at her forge. We shared a night of love-making together before I left. I fought back a couple of tears as I composed myself. I missed her… hell I could be a dad even…. Sucking air through my teeth, I exhaled slowly and twisted my head slightly to work out a kink, just another thing not to think about.
“ruse… how’s he doing” Came and went a phantom voice in my ear as I rode on. I’d sometimes get them… hear them. Sometimes clear, sometimes garbled and cut up. I couldn’t understand, why was I hearing voices in my head. Well I could think of one way, that I was just going bat shit crazy, but that was a whole nother depressing thought I just didn’t want to deal with today.
“Ow, he’s a beaut, wuts iz name govnar? Asked the young stable boy as I gave him my horses reins. The people around this area had a heavy British like accent. Of all the weird quirks, here in la la land, it probably was the most comforting.
“His names Rudolf, kid” I said as I took off the saddle bags.
“Ruuudollfff,” The kid struggled to pronounce, “iz a funnie name.”
“Yeah, he’s named after the, uh, horse of this fat guy I knew from back home. Used to give presents to everyone once a year around winter time.”
“Ow presents? He mus be veri loved!”
“Yeah… everyone adored his jolly ass…” I said looking off into the snowy distance from the stable. With the nostalgia of Christmas still on my mind, I took a gold coin out and flipped it over to Tiny Tim as a tip. He gasped as he saw its denomination. Makes that much in probably a year or five, I estimated as I hefted my stuff over my shoulder to my room.
Merry Christmas, kid.
Checking in, I grabbed my key from the stereotypical kindly old innkeeper and made my way up to my room. As I unpacked, I felt a disturbance in the Force. Well that and the sound of sheering reality as someone teleported in. Grabbing Winona off my hip, I leveled her at the intruder. Katrina… fucking great.
“I don’t suppose ‘no means no’ or ‘restraining order’ have any kind of meaning to you?” I sighed as I holstered the revolver.
“Come on Donnie, I’m just asking for one night, I guarantee you’ll be completely satisfied.” She winked while licking her lips at me.
“Bill Gates can’t even guarantee me a working Internet Explorer, so no I don’t think so, Katrina.”
“What if I have a letter from your precious Victoria?” She grinned holding the envelope up between her fingers for me to see.
I froze upon hearing her name.
“How do you know about her?” I asked slowly.
”Mmm I found her, we had some girl talk and she asked me to deliver this letter for you.”
“Was she… was there a child with her?” I asked fearing either answers.
Strangely the grin on her face fell as she said, “No, I’m sorry.”
“I see…” I took a moment to process the wave of emotions running through me. Relief, sorrow, and a million other ones that I couldn’t even name. I held out my hand for the letter.
”My payment?” She asked, returning to her old slutty self.
“I’m not banging you for playing mailman, this ain’t a 70’s porn flick.” I said crossing my arms defiantly.
“Psh, fine, but you still owe me,” She said all pissy as she gave me the letter.
“So what’s your plan for these peace talks?”
“That’s on a need to know basis, Miss breaking and entering.”
“Come on! I just gave you that letter!”
“Fine,” I groaned, “This is your payment, back to you. Clift Notes version is I hammer out an armistice, create a system of checks and balances for you guys to abide by, shake hands, sign important looking documents, take pictures, pop the bubbly, cash in my points with both your leaders and somehow get the fuck outta dodge.”
She stared at me for a good five minutes probably trying to figure out what the hell I just said, finally she spoke
“Are you sure you’re not somehow related to a Mad Hatter, because I couldn’t-“
”Look, let’s just say ‘I got this’ and leave it at that ok?”
”Why do you want to leave this world so much?” She asked contemplating what I just said.
”It’s not my home Katrina , I don’t have any family here, no home, no roots, nothing. I’m just a stranger in a strange land.”
“And what about Victoria? Like it or not, every day you wake up here, with every person you talk to, you’re setting down roots, you’re making a home. You have a responsibility to the people here too now!”
“Oh-ho!” I cried, “The succubutt, is teaching a class on responsibility now? Where do I sign up? How much? Because I know I’m dying to reserve my seat!” I spat sarcastically.
“Like it or not it’s the truth.” She said solemnly as she crossed her arms.
”Truth?!” I laughed at her, getting good and riled up, “Let me tell you about truth, I know aaaall about the long game your boss is playing. I figured it out a long time ago. By the way, how is the Maou doing on her work to pop out boys? I’m pretty sure all the Danuki‘s are just waiting to put on sale the ‘its a boy’ baby shower decorations.”
“She-she is still diligently researching that dilemma…” Katrina stuttered. I knew that she knew she was on shaky grounds.
”Oh really? I’m sure she’s got the whole MENSA team on it working day and night, right? Got Steven Hawking, Bill Nye, and Elon Musk chained up in the back room somewhere knocking out a plan, right? Not gonna rest up until them blue balloons can be blown up, right? She’s not just fucking away at her husband all day and night, like I’ve heard…. RIGHT?” I said loudly, letting every one of my words nail into her snide superior exterior.
”Cut the bullshit. You and I both know that’s not her plan. Face facts, Katrina she’s not one of you guys, she’s an old school, O.G. Succubus, meaning even though she’s all into love and fucking and all that other hippy crap, her main job, just like back in the day, was and is to make sure all humans go bye bye. Think real hard, what happens if you win? You conquer the whole world- yay team we did it! No more human women- you turned them all. No more human men, they are all Incubi. Tell me what happens when La Jefa herself comes out and says ‘oops, sorry everyone, couldn’t make it happen, oh well…’ ? I’ll tell you what, it’s game over, Katrina, game over.”
“You’re wrong about her…” the Succubus said bitterly.
“Open your eyes and get with the game, Katrina,” I said quietly as I calmed myself, “Its same dance, just a different song. Kill em’ all or turn em’ all – it’s same result. No more humans, no more husbands. Eventually, down the road, when all the incubi die off then no more babies. I’ll give it the old college try to save all your asses but in the end, I’m just a guy that wants out. It’s not my world, not my problem.”
Tears filled her eyes as she faded out from my room. She couldn’t even look at me as she did. I was right, she knew I was, she just couldn’t bear to admit it to herself. That’s at least what I comforted myself with.
I grunted to myself, looking down at Victoria’s letter still in my hand, maybe I was the real monster in this world…