(29 votes) (4.66)
If there’s anything our town is quite good at, it’s bland, generic-looking strip malls.
And it was at just such a mall at the corner of Yavapi and Maricopa that salvation came in the form of the After School Special.
Problem was, this was going to be a pretty tough sell to my wife.
“We’re here.” I announce as I kill the engine and get out of the truck, uncomfortably aware that the way the ‘After School Special’ sign was arranged, it appeared to be highlighting the word ASS.
Sakaali opened her door and I headed over to the passenger side to help her out.
“Graham- what is this place?” Sakaali asked, her skepticism apparent.
“Somewhere that’s not too crowded on father’s day.” I explain. “Sometimes me and Art will grab a couple of beers here.”
(31 votes) (4.90)
“C’on Perri. Quit being so difficult and just get on down here.”
“Why? So you can get drunk and make me sleep in the barn again?” she asks loud enough for everyone to hear.
That flying fucking bullshit artist. I can’t see from down here, but I’m sure she has that infuriating smirk right now.
I grit my teeth.
“That’s…..” I begin to say through the megaphone. This wasn’t a mistake or a misunderstanding on her part- she was straight-up lying about my treatment of her in front of pretty much the whole county. Instinctively I was going to say “That’s not true” but then inspiration struck me.
Why not fight her bullshit with more bullshit?
“That’s because you keep dive-bombing my schnauzer! The poor thing is terrified of you now!”
Oh the look on her face. She’s been getting used to goading and teasing me, but not being on the receiving end of such treatment. The surprise and indignation on Perri’s face was visible even from my lowly position on the ground, and it was sweeter than any gooey, caramel covered confectionary.
(18 votes) (4.89)
Vanessa didn’t know much about structural engineering, but she knew enough that something about this gingerbread house looked a bit off.
If she had to guess, it would probably be entire chunks of the gingerbread house’s wall missing. Curiously, she could swear there were what looked like little fang marks around this missing gashes in the gingerbread wall.
Fang marks seemingly consistent with at least three of her daughters.
“Girls? You wouldn’t know anything about this….?” she asked while absently bouncing little Claire on her knee. The jinko mother was quietly grateful that her youngest wasn’t old enough to snatch stuff off of tables when they thought nobody was looking.
“About what, mom?” Eva asked innocently. Gabby and Layla were by the Christmas tree doing a rather poor job of trying to stifle their giggling.
“Try as I might, girls- I can’t figure out how this gingerbread house ended up with so many holes in it. I was wondering if you could maybe tell me….”
“I’m saving room for one of grandma’s pies.” Eva said nonchalantly.
(42 votes) (4.62)
“Who are you and what are you doing in my dreams dressed like that?” I ask.
“Dressed like wh-” she doesn’t even finish her question before letting out a little shriek and reflexively covering herself up with her arms as she looked down, even though I couldn’t see anything too salacious from where I was standing.
“Oh…oh my…..you must have greater control of this dreamscape than I anticipated.” she observed timidly. “Not quite full lucid dreaming, but still…..”
Come to think of it, the beautiful, bespectacled bovine woman in this dream kitchen is (barely) dressed in a manner that seems a bit reminiscent of the Gil Elvgren or Freeman Elliot pin-ups I’m so fond of.
“Please…” she implored me. “I…I can tell you what you would like to know, but can I get something a little less revealing?”
Wait a sec- I have the power to dress and undress her in my dreams? Well now- this could be pretty fun.
The apron vanishes altogether, and my bovine visitor has one arm draped across her voluminous breasts and her hand covering up between her legs.
“KYAAAAA! I…I’ve been tarnished forever. Nobody will want to marry me now!” my uninvited visitor lamented as she tired even harder to conceal herself. “I’m a sage with 400 years experience in this field- why would you even want to do such a thing to me, young man?”
“Hang on, hang on….” I try to reassure her
(24 votes) (4.79)
“I’m convinced that you are in no way intoxicated, Mr. Host.”
“What the hell was that all about!?” I pant, bringing up my hat so that I can see.
“The oldest daughter in prior host family taught capoeira- she gave me a few lessons.”
“It’s a fighting style that originates from Brazil that incorporates common dance moves into-“
“I…I know what it is, Perri.” I mumble. “I’m just wondering why…”
“In Japan, I couldn’t fly as much as I would’ve preferred- but my host family sought other ways for me to remain physically active.”
“But…you’re….an apex predator! That’s like teaching a 700 lb gorilla how to use a crossbow!”
“Are you calling me a gorilla?” she scowled at me.
“I could call you a lot worse than that.”
(30 votes) (4.80)
The Anubis pup’s ears twitched as she looked towards the entryway, moments later the door opened and Anippe was off like a shot
“Auntie V!” She called as she wrapped herself around the jinko’s leg the second the front door closed behind the jinko.
Looking down, Vanessa laughed “Well hey there stranger! What brings you here?”
Anippe giggled “I’m spending the weekend here! Remember?”
“Of course I do!” Vanessa said as she gently pulled the anubis off her leg.
Art rounded the corner and pulled his wife into a hug “Hey you!”
Anippe stood on her tiptoes and gently pushed her ear against Vanessa’s slightly rounded stomach after Vanessa was embraced by her hubby.
“Hey Claire, how are you doing?” she asked the little bump.
While her name wasn’t set in stone yet Anippe had fallen in love with one of the possible names that Art and Vanessa were considering.
(34 votes) (4.76)
I turned around to see two rather homely women- both human and standing at the entrance. The shorter, chubbier one with scraggly blonde hair was looking at Perri and myself with a disgusted sneer on her face while she held up a camera phone.
“Remember that golf-ball sized clump of bird shit on the hood of your car last week?” the taller, far more masculine one began to bellow out. “I guess we know who the responsible party is.”
The gruesome twosome took a couple of steps into the pharmacy.
“Wonder what she’s doing here. Don’t those things eat like…..worms and seeds and shit like that?” chubs asked loudly as she was walking right past Perri.
“You know, I heard that these bird-girls are an all female species. They need human men to reproduce.” Chubs said.
“Really? Apparently they haven’t heard of these things called ‘standards’.” Butchie sneered at her friend. “Seems like they’ll sleep with any pathetic, trashy piece of shit to keep the species going.”
As I’m gritting my teeth, Perri seems to be trying to burn a hole into the countertop using just her eyes.
“Ew…what kind of loser is desperate enough to try and score with a girl who’s part bird, anyway?”