All posts by Punaldin

The real joke here is my life.

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Paladin Reintegration Programme

45 votes, average: 4.82 out of 545 votes, average: 4.82 out of 545 votes, average: 4.82 out of 545 votes, average: 4.82 out of 545 votes, average: 4.82 out of 5 (45 votes) (4.82)

-One of my older stories, edited with the same level of care and attention of a Kubo Tite background and aged like fine milk, this truly will count as something you’ve read today-

Times were hard for the humble Paladin. The Demon Lord had won, and monstergirls were now accepted throughout the kingdom. A Paladin no longer had any place in a world where men now freely slept with these monstrous women. But the new government was determined to retrain these poor men, and reintegrate them into decent society. No matter what the cost.

“How many more times are you going to get sent here this week!?”

You bravely faced your foe, a mighty dragon. But you had battled this monstrosity many a time before, and were not afraid. You were Sir Alfred Yaleton, noble Paladin and servant of our most wondrous Chief Goddess. Compared to her love this demon was but a helpless child. By the end of the day many a tale would be told about your heroic vanquishing of Kathy from Human Resources.

“You kneed Heather in the face! All she did was offer you a titfuck!” The dragon snarled. The evil beast was correct, you had indeed battled with the foul Holstaurus from accounting, and tasted sweet victory before your nemesis had summoned you into her dark lair. “You might have given her concussion, you fuckwit!” Smoke billowed from her mouth as she glowered down at you. Her room had been made fireproof due to health and safety concerns, the concerns being that she might burn down this building like the last two she was stationed at.

How such a mighty warrior had fallen, not long ago you were a legend, a protector of the innocent. Songs were sung of your great deeds by the finest bards of the land, and Tom Jones. But now you simply toiled away in an office surrounded by the repugnant beasts who you once fought bitterly against.

“Ara ara! Alfie’s been a naughty boy!” cooed an Arachne hanging from the ceiling. You didn’t know what kind of incantation “ara ara” was, but you thought it best to assume she was attempting to curse you. You reached for your holy shield to protect yourself, only to remember it was confiscated last week, when you hit that Lizardwoman in the head with it for slapping your ass.

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Blackstaff

12 votes, average: 4.50 out of 512 votes, average: 4.50 out of 512 votes, average: 4.50 out of 512 votes, average: 4.50 out of 512 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5 (12 votes) (4.50)

-Written for the Kikimora/Satyros contest a while back. This is the story of a Kikimora who wants to be an adventurer, encountering a drunken acquaintance, scheming mages, annoying Shoggoths, dark gods and far too many adverbs along the way-

“How the hell did you manage to get kicked out of a Bacchus temple for being drunk and disorderly?” Susan tried not to sound too impressed, but this really was a special feat. The temple was legendary for not giving a shit.

Kalista leaned forward, still swaying a little. “You ever hear of something called ‘Feeblemind’?” She asked with a grin.

“You mean that thing the Chaos worshippers drink for their rituals?”

“Yeah, that’s the stuff.” The cocky look on the Satyros’ face was replaced by confusion. She scratched her ear. “How’d you know?”

“You told me. You said you’d have to be insane to drink it.”

“…I did?” Kalista asked, looking distantly to the side in thought. Eventually she just shook her head and regained her cheerful composure. “Well, anyway, I was getting bored of the temple’s wine and fancied a change. So I got this bottle of the cultist’s stuff and thought it sounded like one hell of a party. Can’t really remember the rest…”

Susan sat upright with her eyes widened in horror. “You actually drank that stuff? Do you even know what’s in it?”

“Well, no.” Kalista said, downing the remains of her pint. “I wouldn’t really want to, either. I get the feeling it’d just put me off. Fancy another drink?”

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The Testing Phase

25 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 525 votes, average: 4.60 out of 5 (25 votes) (4.60)

-One unlucky man wakes up to find himself in the worst testing environment since Aperture Science-

Groggy and uncomfortable, John awoke. This was a mistake, as the fierce glare of the fluorescent lights above him burned into his retinas, making him instinctively roll to his side and tightly shut his eyes. The after image remained, as did the dull pain, and in his half-awake daze he swore never to open them again.

Naturally, it was a promise he couldn’t keep. You can’t just lay around on the floor all day, especially when the floor in question is hard, cold – and as it dawned on John once he had become more wakeful – not his usual sleeping arrangement. Coming to the conclusion that he’d passed out in the kitchen after a night of drinking, he slowly opened his eyes once more, taking great care to shield them from the blinding light with his arm.

Squinting and still hazy with sleep, he sat up and assessed the room around him, slowly adjusting to the light. Both the walls and floor in this tiny room were grimy and worn, as if the place was abandoned long ago. That ruled out the kitchen then, this place was far too clean.

Still unsure of his whereabouts, he staggered to his feet, becoming increasingly aware that something was very wrong. Maybe it was the old television monitor and camera fixed to the wall, maybe it was the strange machine sitting and humming ominously in the centre of the room…

Or maybe it was that the only door to this windowless place was a closed steel shutter.

“HELLO!?” He called out, faintly hoping this was some sort of prank. He was new to his job and for all he knew this office could have some really advanced hazing traditions. “IS ANYONE THERE!?”

The ancient monitor burst into life. A pretty, yet emotionless pale face filled the screen. It stared impassively at John with red, slightly glowing eyes. It’s mouth opened mechanically and began to talk in a distorted growl:

“Hello, John. I want to play a game.”

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Just Another Zombie Movie

18 votes, average: 4.56 out of 518 votes, average: 4.56 out of 518 votes, average: 4.56 out of 518 votes, average: 4.56 out of 518 votes, average: 4.56 out of 5 (18 votes) (4.56)

-Anon wants to make a horror film starring real monsters but quickly learns their “talents” lie elsewhere-

“Get off me, GET OFF ME!” The man screams, as the shambling hoard greedily lunges at his flesh. The mass of writhing bodies collapses onto the floor on top of their victim as he howls bitterly in despair. Cold, pale hands hungrily claw all over his body, desperately pulling and tearing wherever they can as their prey screams and struggles against inevitability.

One inhumanly strong hand greedily clutches its victim by the shoulder and its owner crawls up to the desperately thrashing man’s face. The creature opens its mouth full of razor sharp teeth and-

Affectionately nuzzles his neck

“Oh for fu- CUT!” This is the fourth time this afternoon. I don’t care if it takes all day, these girls are going to do it right.

“But I thought that went really well!” The Zombie pouts, still straddling her victim.

I get up off my directors chair. It’s technically a carp fishing chair, but it helps me feel like the real thing. It’ll have to make do until I prove myself through this project. “Where’s the aggression? Where’s the inhumanity?”

“Well, I am raping him, you can’t get more aggressive than that!” She argues, hands on hips. I can see this isn’t going to be easy.

“What? No, you’re supposed to be eating him.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?”

“Obviously not for real!” Fuck Craigslist, these extras are terrible even by the usual standard. “Grab a bunch of those organs over there and just cram them in your mouth, like you’re-”

“That’s vile!”

“BUT I’M VEGETARIAN!”

“Wait, we’re the bad guys?”

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No-Lifer

18 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 518 votes, average: 4.78 out of 5 (18 votes) (4.78)

-Anon must suffer the world’s worst dungeon keeper as he assists her in repelling a Paladin attack-

“Adam…” Shanna murmured, her thighs twitching in anticipation. Her attention was now entirely focused on me, leaving her character at the mercy of the enemy hordes. She stood up and the bathrobe slid to the floor in a heap around her ankles, completely exposing her pale, shapely body. We both stared longingly into each others eyes, as her delicate hands slid down my chest towards my belt and began do undo the buckles. I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her mouth, slightly biting her lower lip and causing the lich to pull my head in for a deeper, more passionate kiss. Our tongues began to slowly explore their way around each others mouths as a slight moan of pleasure whimpered from Shanna’s throat. A few impatient tugs later and my belt came loose, followed by my pants.

She slipped down onto her knees, and reached out for the hard object in front of her. The liches fingers lovingly caressed it, teasing and stroking in all the right places with finesse. Her skill wasn’t surprising; she’d done this countless times before, and she only got better at it with each passionate session. The lich gazed lovingly at her handiwork with a faint smirk as she saw the thing beginning to react to the stimulation. She looked up at me and our eyes met.

“For fucks sake, Shanna, Put down the DS!”

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The Cure-All

18 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 518 votes, average: 4.61 out of 5 (18 votes) (4.61)

-Anon goes to the doctors to cure his sleeplessness and finds he needn’t have bothered-

You hurriedly flip over the pages looking at the other questions Nadia is likely to ask you as the Lich rapidly glides over towards you.

‘Sensitivity to touch:’

‘Level of arousal before experiment:’

‘level of arousal after experiment:’

“Are you sure you’re a fully qualified doctor?” You ask as the nervousness in your voice begins to show.

The clipboard is snatched from your hands by a powerful yet invisible force and gently comes to a halt in the doctor’s hand. You notice she is holding a small vial containing a faintly glowing purple liquid. It’s actually quite pretty really, the same colour as her eyes. Like hell you’re drinking that, though.

“I assure you I am the most respected necromancer in my realm.” The Lich unhelpfully replies.

You stare at the bottle in her extended hand, eyeing the contents nervously. “Uh… what is it?”

“Just drink it. Doctor’s orders.”

Frankly, it looks poisonous. You know you’re not meant to swallow something if it’s glowing or the result of a dead person’s mad experiments. “But-”

Dr. Nadia presses the vial into your hand almost impatiently. “Do you want to cure your sleeplessness or not?”

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